Hi,
How are you today?
Are you having a good day?
I hope so.
I wanted to share with you an email I got:
“Dave, I am a supporter to a sister
with bipolar disorder. I try to be a
good supporter, but sometimes I
make mistakes, and I’m afraid that
she’ll get worse and it will be my
fault. Like when she gets in a
depression, I try to show my support
by asking her to talk about it, but
then she just gets angry at me.
And when I see her not sleeping good,
I try to tell her that she needs to get
more sleep. So she gets angry at me
for that, too. It seems like whatever
I do, my sister gets angry at me.
Again, like when I remind her to take
her medication she gets mad at me for
that too. I want to be a good supporter,
but with her getting angry, I don’t feel
like I am. Am I making mistakes?
What should I do instead? –Monica”
———————————————————
Now, my disclaimer. I am not a professional, so I can only give my opinion from my experiences and from all the other supporters who have talked to me.
First of all, I would remind Monica (and you) that everyone is different.
What works for one person doesn’t work with another.
What I would commend is that this woman is at least trying to be a good supporter.
And I would re-affirm that some people with bipolar disorder do get angry, even if they’re not in an
episode.
You have to watch it, though, because increased agitation can be a symptom of a manic episode.
What happens when you’re a supporter to a loved one with bipolar disorder is that you have
to “learn them.”
And by that I mean that, since everyone with bipolar disorder is different, you have to learn how
your loved one reacts to things, what works and what doesn’t work.
Monica has found out that when her sister is feeling down , that she doesn’t want to talk.
That’s learning.
It’s not wrong to try to be a good supporter.
You know the things that your loved one should be doing (as well as the things you should
be doing as their supporter) so that they can become stable.
These are the things I talk about in my courses/systems:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
We all make mistakes.
That’s just a part of life, and a part of bipolar disorder as well.
But I don’t think it’s a mistake to show your concern.
For example, when Monica talks about reminding her sister to take her medication.
That’s not a mistake, especially if her sister forgets to take it or doesn’t want to take it.
Medication is crucial to stability.
Her sister might not get well if she wasn’t reminded to take her medications.
I’m sorry if she gets angry about it (many people do, because they resent taking their medication
every day), but it doesn’t mean that it’s a mistake.
In fact, I think it would be a mistake NOT to remind her, even if she gets angry, because
she needs that medication to get better, and without it she would go into an episode.
I think that Monica is doing a good job as a supporter, even though her sister gets mad at
her.
What do you think?
Do you think Monica is being a good supporter?
Have you had to struggle with your loved one getting angry at you when you’re trying to help?
Post responses below
Its very difficult dealing with anger,is it just anger, or bi-polar anger, can’t tell the difference. I think sometimes I need a manual with me to look up what to do next. I am angry right now, at this awful illness. I cannot do anymore so I’ve left my partner who is in denial anyway. I need space and rest, hopefully he’ll get it too.
Just by being there, and not ignoring the problem, she is being a good supporter. Until her sister is totally responsible for her own disorder, she will always be angry at being reminded about medication etc, but at least she has someone to do that for her. Her sister can also join the online support group http://www.bipolarsupporters.ning.com to help her, as it is not easy being a supporter as no matter what we do it always seems to be the wrong thing!
My Mother never understood that I had a mental illness, so therefore, we had many confrontations occasionally when I would try to explain that I was in a “mood,” and didn’t want her around. I have ALWAYS been compliant with my treatment plan, so she never had to remind me to take meds, go to bed early, eat right, etc. But her “mistake” was in expecting me to react “normally” on occasion, when I just couldn’t.
Although I knew her reluctance to admit a child of hers had bipolar disorder, it made it extra difficult to even communicate how I was feeling when I was in a “mood.” The hardest time was when I was clinically depressed. Her exhortations to “snap out of it,” “get up and get moving,” “pull yourself together,” etc., never worked, they just accelerated my depression.
I agree with Dave when he said you had to “learn it.” Every person with bipolar is different and reacts differently to outside stimuli. Be patient, and try to “learn” what your loved one’s triggers are, and how you CAN help under trying circumstances.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
I have been a bi-polar supporter to a wonderful man who when even in a episode tries to think of me through all the stuff he is going through. I however do not live with him. I also believe his mom to be bi-polar which makes the situation harder for both of them. They live in the same house in different apartments but when they are together they can have a very difficult time. This is my question how do I help him at a distance. When he is in a hyper manic or hypo manic state I do not know what is happening in his life.Recently I said some things that were not well received. This last time I knew that I should not have asked something regarding our relationship until he came out of his hypermanic state, but I did. I feel so bad about this but I found out that those friends he was with were a very poor influence on him. They were drinking and so did he. If it had been me my choice I would have chosen not to drink around him at all.I told him that he has to do what is right for him and that includes going into a treatment program if needed. I assured him that I love him and would support anything hd chooses to do. I offered to take him to the program. Am I doing the right things. Just this week he told me that I gave him no choice but to break up with me. Yesterday he said that he would like time to think about it. I have to tell you I am scared. I want to be in his life to help him and because I Love him Oh so much…
My husband has bipolar and he seems to be get mad at whatever i do,even when i want to do something good for him like , call him to say i miss him, he gets mad and thinks im always watching him. I cant do anything about me,him or our daughter anymore because for him everything is a part of my ”evil plans” to make him miserable. I cant do nothing but stay out of his way anymore..
Anger is a very difficult thing to deal with. My son has bipolar and when I tried to remind him about taking his medication he used to get very angry with me, but lately he has come to understand that I am doing it for his own good. After he came out of the hospital the last time we made an agreement that I would help him by reminding him about the medication and the getting enough sleep and keeping a routine and he agreed to this and so now when I remind him he does not get angry but appreciates the reminders.
Being a supporter is definitely a challenge, I pray that in time my son and all people suffering from this illness will become stable and lead a “normal” life.
To MARIA: “Love” sometimes clouds people’s judgment. Of course, dealing with your loved one who is in a hypomanic state, you can’t trust anything he tells you. The time to discuss your relationship is when he is in a “stable” mood, and get all your cards on the table. It sounds as if these “friends” of his are not trust-worthy, and a bad influence on him. Unfortunately, aside from spending every waking hour with him, you can’t monitor who he’s with or what he’s doing. The offer to take him to rehab should still stand. Give him his “space” until he “comes down,” and you both can talk about it logically and rationally. You have my very best wishes that this turns out in your favor.
At least this person has someone who cares about her. Not all of us here have ‘supporters’ …
Well it sounds like you are doing a great job.My wife is bi-polar and i feel like im pullin my hair out at times. She hates everyone and even her family. sometimes i try 2 be so nice and it backfires. We have been married for over 25 yrs Im trying to hold on I know she is sick and so does her kids. However i try to tell her she needs help and shes refuses to think that she needs help. She tryed 2 times already to commit Suside and IM at my wits end of tring to help. I dont have any answers and if i did I would give them away because it dont look i would have 2 sell my sole to get anything done.I am a poor person with no insurance and barely make enough to pay my bills. In debt up to my butt and startin to have my own heath problems like my gall bladder. Now im starting to get depressed just thinking about it. Honestly i have no idea how anyone can put up with this kind of problem,
every where you go if u dont have any insurance they dont even wanta talk to ya. Whats really bad is i just make enought to pay my bills but too much to get help. With me as the sole worker. With My wifes problem i tell her i love her all the time Im nice kind and understanding but she refuses to think that any thing is wrong and have no idea why she cant see any problem? With alls that happened?
I can relate to the always yellin at ya because i believe that in their mind they think that they are being belittled when alls your doing is trying to make sure things are ok for them.
Well good luck i think your doing a great job. I just wish i could afford the pills so i could make her take them. If i could it would cost me over 575 a month. So do i pay the morgage with a place to sleep or get better or not get better thats the question.
She should be so grateful that someone is watchin out for her PERIOD. But you will never get any recognistion dont fell bad i dont believe anyone ever does.
keep up the good work. thanks Bruce.
I understand what everyone is going through about our loved ones being so angry for sometimes the little things that we say. I go through that all the time. I dont live with my fiance as of yet but i get an earful on the phone when he is in an episode. Its very diffult to talk to him so i usually tell him when he stops yelling or saying bad things, he can call me and talk rationally(of course when he stabilizes). Right now he is in somewhat, but not quite in an episode. So i try to not say too much that will set him off. I know when i am getting close to setting him off, i back off myself. I just tell him that i love him and worry about his being. He knows that but sometimes he will tell me that he needs a little time to get through it, so i give him that time. Its very hard when i dont live with him to know what is going on, if he’s taking his medication, if he’s getting enough sleep or is he eating well. As much as it drives me crazy, i know that there is a time to back off and give myself a little time too. Easier said then done, i know. I say it now but probably in the next hour or two, i am back at it again. Just to let everyone know, unfornutely, we need to give them time and space for them to get out of the episode and think rationally. All i can say is i try and i think we all should even when we want to shake them and set the straight. I hope what i said here makes sense. Try and have a good day!!
Dear Dave:
I just wanted to tell you that you had another “right on” column today. As a person who is bipolar, I know that it is great to have a support system around you when you need it, because there sure have been times when I felt my world was going to come crashing down on me, and without that support, I would’ve gone into a bad episode. Once again, thanks for a great column and keep up the good work.
Dear Bruce, I know that there are a couple of bipolar medications that donate their meds to families that can not afford them. If your wife has a dx then she should be able to file for ssi and that will also provide her with insurance. I hope this has helped. Anna