Hi,
How’s it going today?
I hope your day is going well.
I had a discussion with another supporter at the support group recently.
Well, I call it a discussion.
She might call it a fight.
She was telling me what it was like to live with her husband –
In other words, to live with someone who has bipolar disorder.
I made the mistake of saying, “I know how you feel.”
I was just identifying with her.
I just wanted her to know she wasn’t alone.
I wanted to tell her that I had been there, too, and how now things are going really well with
my mom.
I wanted to encourage her.
I wanted to do a lot of positive things, but she took everything the wrong way.
When I said, “I know how you feel,” she got very angry!
I sure didn’t expect that response!
She threw me off guard.
I was just trying to help, but apparently she didn’t want any help.
Or was it my fault?
Let me finish telling you about it, then you can help decide if this was my fault or not.
Ok, so I said, “I know how you feel.”
She started yelling at me things like:
“You aren’t me, how could you know how I feel?”
“You don’t know my husband, how could you know how I feel?”
“You don’t know what I have to live with day to day, so how can you know how I feel?”
At that point I answered back, because YES, I DO know how she feels when it comes to supporting someone with bipolar disorder.
If you’re a supporter to a loved one with bipolar disorder, then you probably know how she
feels as well.
I talk about living with a loved one who has bipolar disorder in general in my courses/systems:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
I kept trying to talk to this woman reasonably and rationally.
I told her I did understand how she feels, because I am a supporter, too.
No, I admitted, I don’t know her or her husband or their situation.
But I don’t have to, to be able to relate to it.
There are some things that are just in common for all supporters of a loved one with bipolar disorder.
For instance, I had to deal with a lot of anger in the beginning.
So I felt anger.
I also had to learn to deal with frustration, resentment, and even depression at times when I was
dealing with my mom.
Have you felt these feelings, too?
Most supporters have.
I learned that you can’t make long- term plans without having a Plan B.
You’d like it if your loved one could be predictable, but they’re just not, unfortunately.
This woman was so angry at me, almost offended, I think, that she wouldn’t listen to any of my
argument.
So let me ask you?
Do you think one bipolar supporter can understand another supporter without knowing all the details of that person’s life?
In other words, do you think I was right or wrong in what I said to this woman?
What’s your opinion?
Have you ever had this said to you? How did you feel?
Post responses below
I don’t think that you were wrong in any way shape or form. Since you have been through and are a supporter of people or someone with bipolar disorder or bipolar disease, such as myelf. Then yes, you can realte to this womans situation and so can I. So yes I think that you were right about what you said to this lady, because you do understasnd and you can related to what she is going through and what she is dealing with. So I say continue do what you do and keep up the good and postive work and support that you are doing. Have a blessed and wonderful day.
Dave
I understand how you feel, ben there, did that. Not I know. I know implies personal knowledge, whereas I understand ______, ben there, did that,implies that you may have had a similiar experience, even if you are an expert in whatever field. Ed
I absolutely believe supporters can understand what another is going thru without knowing all the finite details of a particular circumstance. We can understand the hurt, frustration, uncertainty, fear, and yes, sometimes anger. While each individual responds to difficulties in their own unique way, there are certain emotions and feelings we will have in common. This is not an easy road to travel — it’s more like a really wild rollercoaster ride! On the bad days, I force myself to remember the good ones so I’ll never forget that my son is worth ALL of it. And that he is a blessing from God, bipolar disorder included. It’s helpful to know there are others out there who understand and maybe even have sound advice to share.
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG….Is this new to her? the condition of her Husband, if so I think that she is wrapped in some self pitty. I think we have all felt this way when a friend or family member depends on you so much that you cannot go on living your own life, the way your supposed to…independently. You become self absorbed in pitty, especially when you are not involved in some kind of support system, no one to help you. Carrying all that weight by yourself secretly can be very burdensome. Everyone feels like their situation is worse than others. Recommemd a support group or she should get used to her situation and deal with it. Tough love baby, tough love.
Thanks for all you do Dave. It’s extremely helpful and soothing.
God Bless!
Suz
It’s all the same when it comes to bi-polar. supporters relate to each other. people with bi-polar relate to each other. I believe the only time one or the other does’nt is when they are in denial.
That’s not bad,just a fact!
I do understand where this women is coming from. Its sort of like if my friends mother dies and I tell her I know how she feels because my own mother died. Well my friends relationship with her mother might have been totally different. Maybe she did not even have a relationship with her mother and she is also dealing with the regret of that. Similar sure, in the fact she died. Being able to relate to her pain, no, the relationships were totally different.
Dear Dave,yes i have had this happen to me, especially when my son is off his meds., i would have to agree with you about supporters, we do have unique situations, however , those of us that have a loved one with bi-polar , do have alot in common. We all have to learn how to cope with our loved ones, in whatever state of mind they may be in.I know with my son, if i just hand him his meds., he will take them with no problem , but if i ask him if he took his meds., well, that’s a completely different reaction. He usually will get very angry at me, & for sure won’t take them, so, i have learned not to ask him & just hand them to him.( smile ) Whatever works, is how i look at it. Thanks for all your support, & i hope you have a wonderful day. Bless you & yours.
hey!
i am in love with a person who has bipolar disorders the problem is there are days when he is so sweet and caring others he wont even see me.. i just cant handle it anymore.. sometimes he doesnt want me around him by saying all the mean things he can think off.. or stops all the contacts ignore me do things to hurt me.. i want to help him but i just dont know how?. he always pushes me away.. but i care too much to let him go.
regards
alina
Hi Dave
I receive your daily e-mails for supporters of people suffering with bipolar disorder. These e-mails are generally positive and helpful. However, as I am not a supporter but a person diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder, I sometimes find your e-mails a little biased.
In reading some of your e-mails the emphasis appears to be that the supporter is constantly having a difficult time with the person suffering from bipolar disorder. I am sure that in some cases you are right, but I am equally sure that in a large number of instances there are people who suffer from Bipolar Disorder who will do everything within their power to cause as little disruption as possible to the lives of their family and friends. They will stick to whatever regime the doctor recommends.
There are also some, like myself who are generally not supported by family and some so-called friends will use the bipolar as a means to exploit you financially and emotionally.
I have suffered from bipolar 1 for some 28 years and during that period I have worked for the same company. I started off and worked myself through to the top echelon of my firm, putting myself through studies and courses and even doing a degree whilst working full time and having a number of other responsibilities.
My family have given me very little support and I feel that they see my main role as giving them money whenever they want it. Unlike many in my family I am not in debt because I live within my means – I’m not boasting just telling you a fact.
My self esteem is very low and some who don’t know I have bipolar disorder is always saying I can do this or that, or even sell my house which I’ve worked so hard for and now own. It makes me angry whenever they say that because even though they are in the same age group as myself, they have little to show for their work and yet they do not suffer from bipolar disorder. I am still relatively young and working full time can at times be difficult but I carry on, trying to complain as little as possible but today when I received your e-mail I became angry and had to write to you.
I am therefore asking you Dave, to be more balanced in your daily email “inspiration” and give some more credit to those bipolar sufferers who are doing everything to keep stable and not be a burden to family or friends.
Hi davie….
You have to try to see things from there point of view….not all situations will be the same as yours… even though you have a view insight…when you asked her how she feels you seemed to of got that answer pretty quick mmm angry ey…
Take care Linda x
She was wrong to get hostile. There are certainly commonalities in your situations. I do not minimize what anyone has gone through as a supporter.
That said, your Mom will always be your Mom. My son (also a sufferer) will always be my son.
A marriage relationship is more of a peer relationship and (I feel) there is more need for and dependence on one’s spouse as an adult…as compared with one’s parent or child. As such, taking the reigns on things can be a little more dicey with one’s spouse.
While we all have things in common, I do think it was a mistake to say you knew how she felt. By saying that, you basically belittled her experience, even though you had no intention of doing so. Maybe you could have said something like, “I feel ________ when my mom did ________. Does your husband do anything similar? How do you feel when he does that?” See. You are still being supportive and still forging a connection, but allowing her to tell her own story and express her own feelings.
Hi David;My daughter suffers from bi polar.After 2 bouts with depresion at about 16 which were heart wrenching they diagnosed her with depresion.Then came the kicker her first bout of mania.I wanted to rip what was left of my heart out.She is now 23 and is on medication.I always tell people when they see someone suffering with a physical or mental ailment that unless we can place ourselves in someone elses body we don’t know exactly what they are going through due to the fact we all have different thresholds of pain (both physical and mental).But we can all be supportive and sympathetic ,which is what you were trying to do.So yes and no.Thanks dave
I do not believe you were wrong with saying this. How else can we support each other. All of our experiences have differences, but how we feel about them or how we feel inside is the same.
Until I learned this in an another 12 step program that I am in, I could not get the help that I needed to grow spiritually and mentally. I could not be of any help to my daughter (has bi-polar) or my son whom lives with us. I struggled for years thinking I was different than anyone else because “their husband did not do this” or worse, ” my daughter does not do that”.
It is how we feel inside that keeps us in unity together to help each other in a time of pain or happiness. Today I can hear someone talk and KNOW ‘HOW THEY FEEL”, because I have felt the same way before.
May God Bless you all
I have been diagnosed with bipolar and my doctor referred me to a psychiatrist who put me on Lithium and Carbamazepine. I told him I have been going on your site and he asked what you thought of this combination of medications.
I feel for the lady in today’s email. She must feel so isolated. Fear, anger, frustration, grief, resentment, etc. are common feelings among those of us who live with and care for mentally ill loved ones. My daughter has bipolar disorder. Apart from David’s email every morning that is like my morning vitamins, I have joined a family to family support group – a 12 week course funded by NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) and free to participants. This course has been a life line for my husband and I. This organization is amazing and is working hard on funding research for better medicines, overcoming the stigma of mental illness and helping their “clients” as well as their families. I strongly recommend that you find your local NAMI office and use them as a resource and as a support. We need all the help we can get. Our job is a tough one.
Right or wrong? Does it really matter, it is what it is… with dealing with anybody, not just those effected by the bipolar disorder, we really don’t know 100% where someone is at… and have no way of knowing where they are in there own recovery… You do talk to us all the time about not taking things to personally when a loved is in an episode, why not feel the same about the supporter? We do reach are breaking points also. At times we may even seem to think as irrational as those we support. After all we are all human, right?
Being a female have you ever heard of the book men are from Mars, women from Venus? She just could have been at the place where she didn’t want someone to fix her problem, just listen without instructions tossed at her.
I do love the emails that I get from you very much. You have a great deal to share and I do learn a lot from you. My feelings about this email are that since you have such a huge heart and want to help and support any and everyone you can, there are moments (even with supports) that no one can do a thing for them and you have to just let them be… not taking it personally…
here are my quick thoughts. I have been diagnosed as bipolar and yet i have been dealing with many very challenging issues much more complicated than mine. I am considered highfunctioning and most everything falls on my shoulders even when not my custody as i am the emotional rock in the family.No body would know my situation exactly, although some may think so. there are a lot of smoke and mirrors going on. and frankly because i have been diagnosed as bipolar, that is being used against me for all the chaos, when it is not mine. I am the rock. my point is she is right. no one really knows another’s situation. even though there may be some similarities.
sometimes it is presentation that is the key. you are very knowledgeable on the topic and that knowledge is incredibly valuable. however, if someone is not ready to hear it, they wont. they will put up a wall. so, what might work another time would be to let that woman (or whoever) be the one telling her story. After she tells her story then you slip in and say, Yes, i can relate to that, and that, and that. ask her what her techniques are to manage a situation. as her if she has ever tried xyz which works well in your situation. let her draw the conclusion that you ahve something in common so she wants to listen. that might work, and not just with bipolar, with many people. everyone wants to feel the expert on their own life. let us know how it goes. it may not be efficient, but it might be worth a try.
Hi Dave!
This is my first time at this so bare with me, I am also French so my English is not the best.
I feel that this lady should had take the opportunity to find a friend in you. She should have been tankful to have somebody who was welling to help. Just the fact that she wasn’t alone in this process should had been re-comforting for her. I do not live with a Bypolar but my daughter was diagnosed at age 21 and is 29 now and she is living very far away. I find it very frustrating and helpless as a mother because of the distance which separate us. I just cannot jump in my car and be there in few minutes I have to take an airplane and be there in a couple days. So the telephone and the internet is our way to communicate. Sometimes I wish I could get somebody who could be there and tell me that “he does understand what I am going through”.
Continue to do what your heart is telling you to do for others.
May God bless you in the process.
Take good care of yourself!
Chantal
I do think so, but yet there will always be major differences between supporting a spouse, and supporting a parent, and supporting a child, and supporting a sibling. These relationships are all very different for what one needs and gets from them, so therefore what we have to deal with during an episode will be different. For example if one is supporting a husband then we do deal with it more on a 24 hour basis than when supporting a parent, unless one is sharing a room/bed and finances etc with ones parents! Yet we all deal with the fear, anger, emotional and verbal abuse, worry, resentment, irritation and all the other feelings. My online support group http://www.bipolarsupporters.ning.com discussed this too.
I wish I had a ‘supporter’ who really cared whether I lived or died. But, the fact is, I don’t. Actually, my family wishes me dead. I am not joking. I saw my psychologist this morning. He told me that I am ‘ahedonistic.’ That is, I don’t seek enjoyment in life. Then, he proceeded to tell me for the next 30 minutes how HE enjoys his life, his daily routine and what he had for breakfast. Great! Why is it that I always get all the quacks?
I am trying to get through this…I am taking the medication, I am trying to cope with the psychologist who does not have a clue, I have called my psychiatrist for the last three days and he does not have the courtesy to return a call.
I do not have anyone supporting me. If I don’t support myself, I will likely give up. But, these people are making it difficult, if not impossible.
Well I don’t think you would know how it is. There are common things but everyone is different. I just had a session where my therapist was trying to tell my husband to maybe work on when I feel panic or upset that i let him know and he could say something about it. She thought it was a good idea. I did not. I felt like that would just bring more to the surface that hey I’m here and I ‘m having an issue. As I was talking about maybe telling him everytime something was going on. She thought it would be more support for me as i feel truly no support from my spouse. I think the support I want is not that they know how you feel as there is no way you can walk in anyone’s shoes.. not even close but support that i’m here when and if you need me and I’ll watch out for you. I do not myself want someone to say I know how you feel because believe it or not..you don’t. Every person who has anything to do with a dx of bipolar is not a cookie cutter version of the other and in fact totally opposite. So although you might be a supporter and you say you know a lot of the things that are common and watch for I know from my own experience that is not true as i don’t experience all the things that other people with bipolar have and they certainly have not had my experience. It’s the same with anything.. noone can walk in another’s shoes. So you mean well but maybe anger is not the right response to you but it’s certainly not something that is really the right thing to say either. It’s a fine line.
I don’t usually post my opinions but this one caught a response in me. I am not a supporter of a loved one with bipolar. However, I am the loved one with bipolar. I started seeing a man a year ago this month. I was going through a mild manic state, meaning I was fun to be around, and it lasted until about august. We fell in love and moved in together and everything was great until last August when I started experiencing rapid and mixed espisodes then it just went down hill from there when it went into the major lows. I’m not a supporter like I said but I have lived with this since my teens, about 20 somethings years ago. I’ve seen and learned what it can do to the people around you that really care about you. Especially if they are not accustomed to someone with bipolar. No matter how much you warn them or even tell them instances of how bad it can get they usually feel it won’t be any big deal because their love should be enough to make it better. It would be so nice if it was that simple. I usually “hide” in another world to try to shield him from it but it doesn’t stop him from feeling all the emotions that come with it. I’m on the other side of it and can understand what a loved one is put through. There is absolutely no reason why you wouldn’t be able to relate with someone going through the same thing. The actions of her loved one might be somewhat different then what anybody else is experiencing but the many emotions all boil down to the same. I know, I’ve seen through 2 divorces and a couple of other long term relationship I’ve been in how hard it was on them, and that word hard is greatly overly simplifying. I’m sorry this was long winded but you were not in the wrong to say you could relate. I would almost wager (no I’m not a gambler) it wasn’t actually you she was offended by. You just happened to say something that gave her the go ahead to unleash her emotions on. Course I could be wrong. But don’t think so.
Actually, everyone has their own story. I commend your effort but telling someone who is hurting that you are going through the same thing is just throwing salt in the wound. (I am a Therapist and an individual diagnosed with bipolar). Anyway, I do appreciate your effort but everyone sees their own situation a little differently and telling someone like this (especially if she/he is angry) is just not going to be successful. An individual who is going through a hard time like this needs your empathy not your story. They just need you to listen and then maybe and I mean maybe, you can give them some suggestions. If you don’t have the patients to listen then just let them know kindly and they will surely find someone else to listen.
You were sure RIGHT in what you said! One doesn’t have to know all the details to empathise with someone else dealing with similar (if not exactly the same) problems. My adopted mother was bipolar. I am sure my fiance was bipolar. I have diagnosed several people with bipolar (their psychologists have agreed with me, despite their partners originally NOT believing me). I now believe with all my heart that my eldest daughter my very well be bipolar (only evident in the past few years – she’s 26, and due I believe to excessive consumption of drugs and alcohol) She swings from friendly and loving to aggressive, attacking and despondent in the blink of an eye. A comment of “Are you not well Darling?” (when I heard her coughing) elicited a remarkable response! She ran up the stairs, arms behind her in an “attacking swan” stance spewing “You KNOW I don’t do fucking mornings!” at Volume 10! I was flabbergasted. This goes on and on… it is soooo hard to see a beautiful, (could do photographic modelling) talented, (sings like a professional) intelligent (top 2% in the state for several subjects as a teenager) young women destroying her life in this fashion. My adopted Mother killed herself finally (after 2 previus attempts) No-one in the family wants an intervention as they fear “gang-up mentality” may force her to do likewise or cost them her love and sisterhood. Her friends, my friends, Dr’s Psychologists etc (even the police) have ALL told me to kick her out. As a mother I have struggled with the idea (Despite the fact that she is not just verbally violent but has even been physically violent – I just practise harm minimisation to avoid repeats) Even though it would stop “enabling” her to continue this destructive behaviour, she refuses to comply with this request and now has moved a boyfriend in, who is so “infatuated” with her he thinks I am to blame instead (my other adult children say he’ll see it eventually) They already argue almost daily (he packed all his things yesterday but unpacked them again later and brought them back inside from his car!) Can I understand anyone else going thrugh this? Yes! Would I say “I Know how you feel” to them? YES, YES and YES!
dear dave,
I am a retired therapist in mental health, CTRS: I am also diagnosed for 35 years with Bipoler I Disorder!
I wasn’t there at the group where this woman became angry, but I am going to suppose that her pain from her relationship with a bipolar husband was so overwhelming, she actually felt the need to attack you!
Sounds to me like she could benefit from some mental health counseling to help her deal with her anger AND her marriage, instead of projecting her inner turmoil onto others who are just trying to help!
Anger can sometimes be a defense mechanism to hide the pain and shame suffered by “supporters” of Bipolar spouses! The pain is deep, and so is the love the spouse is feeling: PLEASE, do not take her attack personally: your statements to her were valid.
denise,
CTRS,QMHA
OREGON, USA
My feeling is that -in the general sense that you were saying you understood how she felt that you were correct. At the same time -in the sense that she was saying you couldn’t completely understand how she felt, she was correct. Next time you may want to temper your statement a bit with something like “I think I can relate”. Hurting people express it in different ways. I’m sure it doesn’t surprise you when you get snipped at.
FYI-My biploar father passed away in a nursing home this morning. He suffered many ailments from the toll of the fallout from his mental illness. Spinal stinoses robbed him of his mobility and dimentia took his mind. It’s a sad story but really only half of it.
Hospice has just moved in with my Mom who has been told she probably has about three months left in her battle with cancer. She was my Dads main bipolar supporter. She has been through hell and we can’t help but wonder just how much of her illness can be directly linked to the stress of being with my Dad. I suppose we’ll never know.
I could write a book on the living experiences and effects that bipolar disorder has contributed to the detriment of my family. Granted, we each have made a lot of personal choices that also contributed to our ailments but I also can’t help but wonder how different our lives would have been without my fathers mental illness.
You have done very well for your Mom and your family.
David, I applaud you on wanting to truly help this woman in all the areas you mentioned, and acknowledge that you most probably do know just how she was feeling. BUT in my work with domestic violence victims, (and I was a victim for years, both as a child, and as a wife) I quickly learned not to tell them that I, too, knew just how they felt. As this lady replied to you, she had so many areas she was certain you just couldn’t understand, so, too, did those ladies respond to me.
Another counselor who was more experienced on both sides of the issue, too, told me they accepted your understanding much more readily, if I said, “When I was in your situation, I often felt like most others did, getting so angry, frustrated, scared….”, and no one else in my family would listen to me. They always told me to “chin up” and things would get better or something similar. After hearing advice like that for so long, it is impossible to believe anyone else could understand how they felt.
Perhaps this info will help you better understand this woman’s reaction to you and help you offer your empathy and care in a different manner that will be better accepted.
Never give up on your attempts to help though. We all appreciate your advice from what you have experienced. Thank you.
Hello Dave. I feel that you can understand some of the feelings a supporter has when dealing with a bi polar love one. No you won’t have the exact feelings she has but u sure can have empathy for her. So no you weren’t wrong.
Dave – I think it is a matter of semantics. When you said you “understood how she felt,” it was different from saying, “I can relate to your situation, because…” and mention your frustration and pain, and, yes, depression that goes along with being a Supporter. She may have had a hard time with her husband that morning, and just “lost it” and vented on you. Each and every Supporter – as well as the loved one – goes through “similar” experiences, BUT…they are ALL different. She may have felt that she wasn’t “up” to being a GOOD Supporter, and inferred that you thought you were a BETTER Supporter. So…no, you weren’t wrong in trying to molify her misunderstanding. BUT…you could have worded it differently to assuage her anger.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
Dave,
I don’t mean to know this Lady; But I have a gut feeling, that she has some personal problems besides her Husbands’ !!
She sounds very defensive, and insulted that someone might be able to relate to what she is going through. If someone is addicted to negative energy, they can become very selfish with it and doesn’t want to share. I could be way out on this but who knows ???
Sincerely, John
DAVE, I would probably have said much the same to this woman as you did. From your description she comes across as very stressed out. Like many people on this blog have pointed out, every individual situation is different. A spouse is quite different to a mother, too. However, I believe that most of us supporters can empathise with each other, while most people who have never known anyone with bipolar don’t understand.
My boyfriend is not with me right now and I don’t know if or when he may come back, but I still love and support him and we are still good friends. He has come through his first alcohol free week since his last appointment with his psych and is doing well. I have just had a major upheaval in my home and he is helping to sort it and supporting me.
I think it was ok for u to say I know how u feel because being a suporter of someone with bipolar makes it actually easier to understand the other person and what they are going thru. I have 4 bipolar family members,one is my aunt,then there is my younger brother,my daughter and recently we have discovered that my 5 year old grandchild is also afflicted with this disorder of the mind. It is hard to be a supporter and hard to see it thru someone elses eyes. I love each and every one ofthem and by far the biggest struggle I am having at this time is supporting my brother, He has been in and out of the hospital so many times in the last 2 months that somedays I think that I jsut cant take anymore and yet I reach deep down inside and find more strength and courage to keep fighting this disorder right beside him I believe that u must know how it feels to go thru this as you have already done so with ur own mother. WE are struggling with my brother right now and we are trying ver yhard to understand but there is so much that we dont know and so there are times when we just fall short, he is a good person but he has been afflicted with a mental disorder and it is going to take a long time for him to get healthy and become stable. But I do think that you were correct in yur statement that you probably really do know how she feels you dealt with it first hand and now u get to share your information with others and I personally have been getting alot of good information from your emails,so thank you for being there and for all the insight u deliver.
Hi Dave,
I feel that while for the most part, people with bipolar disorder may act simular in a lot of ways. However this woman may be dealing with more then you did as with my son and I. As I have stage one and I have mixed rapid cycle but I also spent most of my life having to control it naturaly with out meds. My son on the other hand is totaly different and he creates so much tention during episodes its unreal. This ladies husband may get close to violence or she may have to walk around like shes walking on egg shells, so not to upset him. The thing is, you really don’t know her situation. None of really knows, what each of us are dealing with. We know the basics but that’s all. I believe, it wouldn’t have mattered what you said, sounds like she really needed to vent, and couldn’t with her husband. So you got it. Another thing, she probably hears that a lot from others that are suporters. Sometimes that is just the wrong thing to say to a woman, if you were to see her again she would probably apologize. You tell us that this disease affects each of us differently, my daughter inlaw will text me, and go on ranting. When she is done, she feels less stress and I know that’s what she needed. Then she will say she is sorry, but she need not be. I know what my son is like and I’m trying to help her and them by getting all the reports and your systems I can, but I’m disabled and don’t get much to live off of that’s why I have tried, to let you know that I can’t buy them until december. anyway I’m glad she feels better I knew she needed it. And maybe this lady needed it also. I look at it like this, instead of being a sounding board for people to bounce ideas off of. We are a venting board, for those who sometimes don’t have someone, to vent on. To let their frustrations out on. I don’t know if doctors will let us do that but a suporter takes a lot of stress and it has to go somee wher.
I have replied to this e-mail already but wanted to respond to Pauline’s e-mail. I agree with her that the letters we get from Dave are definitly one-sided meaning they seem to be soley for supporters and not much help for those who are diagnosed with bipolar. He also makes it appear that everyone with a bipolar diagnosis is very sick and is hard to get along with and consistently puts a lot of strain on their loved ones. On the other hand he reports that his mother is doing great even though he has to assist her a lot in controlling her symptoms.
I, like Pauline am not like the people he talks about at all. When I first was diagnosed with bipolar, I admit I was a very sick individual, however, since I have now have my symptoms under control (it took me about a year), I have been very successful. I went back to school and received my Masters Degree in Counseling and my family and friends have told me and will tell you that I am not a burden on them. I do not need someone to remind me to take my medications because I want to be well and it is my responsibility to remain that way.
I know that this is not true for everyone’s loved ones, but I do believe that there are more healthy people with a bipolar diagnosis than you are being led to believe. To say that every person diagnosed with bipolar is hard to get along with and has to be constantly reminded to take there medications and go to their doctor’s appointments makes us all look bad and I think that this is sad.
Just wanted to throw that out there. Maybe this will inspire loved ones to know that this is possible.
To LORI: I agree with you that there are MANY bipolar survivors who are doing quite well with their illness. My last hospitalization was in 1977, though I have had several mini-episodes treated out-patient. My episodes lean toward mania, so it’s a little bit harder to notice when I’m going into one. I am 61 yrs old, twice-widowed, with no children, and I live alone. Therefore, I am my OWN Supporter, and, of course, follow my treatment plan to the letter. I never miss a dose of my meds, and I’m starting to go to bed a little earlier than I used to. I can’t afford (monetarily or physically) to go into a manic episode; I’m at the “poverty level” now, and have a LOT of stress in my life. I have to decide whether to 1) declare bankruptcy, 2) sell my condo, 3) move into assisted living, etc. To say I have a lot on my plate is an understatement. But- the fact remains; I’ve got to remain STABLE to deal with what life throws at me, and, so far, I’ve been successful with it.
Thanks for bringing up a topic that more than one of us can relate to. I feel for those people with bipolar who need extra care to follow a treatment plan, but as you say, it IS do-able.
Hi, Dave and readers. My name is Lynn, and I’m an alcoholic and also live w/Bipolar II Depression, one day @ a time. One more time [I’ve written abt. this b/4, here] I see many similarities betw. living w/the disorder and living w/alcoholism and co-dependency. Newcomers have varied reactions to how much the oldertimers can relate to what they’re going thru, down to and including how they FEEL. I rely on the support of reading the daily entries, but admittedly don’t get into this replying, unless and until something really strikes me. I’m very grateful to have celebrated a few sober 24 hrs., cuz then I can better care for myself around my bipolar illness. Thanks for letting me share, and keep comin’ back.
HI Dave, THERE IS SOME DAYS THAT I THINK I CANT BE THE SUPPORTER ANYMORE, THEN I READ YOUR EMAIL FOR THE DAY AND IT GETS ME THROUGH ANOTHER DAY. You were in the right and I truly believe we know how the other supporters feel, if you have been a supporter of a true bipolar person than you know how others feel. I believe the lady is at a breaking point and needs help herself, not everyone can be a bipolar supporter. It is the hardest job i have ever did.
Dave,
No i dont think that you were wrong at all,I have done the same thing and you know I am open for any advice at any time. I live with my nine year old daughter and her dad that are bipolar. And it is very ruff at times when they both have the same bad day. Yes i feel like at times pulling my hair out and that there is no were to hide.Yes i have felt like leaving and not coming back but then in the back of my mind it comes to me were would they be if i wasnt there and what would they do if i werent there to re direct them.Yes my daugther would end up in a home and her dad in jail.So I tuff it out and put my feeling in my pocket. Yes at times i cant even think about my feelings that will come when both are having a good day. Some days it is like living in a box you enter in one conner and the other 3 conners some one is yelling,crying,fighting,etc so i have to back out and do house work or go for a walk yes it is very hard and some days i just say okay lord i cant drive the train any more can you take over. Hey if anyone has any sujestions i am open for any.
Hi Dave,
I don’t think you were wrong at all. What’s up with this lady? Sounds to me like she is on the defensive. I can relate to her because I too support a loved one with bipolar and have been for the past 17 years. It isn’t easy dealing with this disorder but if you truly love the person you are helping then you will get thru it by the grace of God. I personally thank you for all the advice you have given me and I look forward to your mail everyday. It’s a comfort knowing you are there and have been through all of this with your mom. The Lord is my strength and He helps me to cope with this.
Keep up the good work Dave. Don’t let what that lady said bother you. She will learn in due time what its all about.
Take care Dave,
and thanks for being there.
Ann P.
hi david,
im catching up on reading your emails u sent me. i just read your email about the discussion you had with the woman speaking of her husband and you said you understand. i agree with you that as a supporter we all go through the similar emotions of anger, frustration, hurt and resentment, and depression. i think that the degree of these emotions are different because everyone is not the same and even though we are supporters our roles are different as a mother, brother, spouse, friend, cousin, or what ever it may be. i am in love with a man who has bipolar and untill i started to recieve your emails i felt hopeless and alone like no one knew how i felt. i had hit bottom but hadnt given up but was close. like i said each person is different and if we focus on certain emotions we actually just increase the feeling and this is very easy to do if you are feeling alone. even though your role of a son supporting your mother is different from me supporting my boyfriend of 5 years i still felt connected to you because you still dealt with the emotions i deal with. you may not have the exact same experaince but nonetheless you were there to an extent and here you are today to talk about it and share your experaince. another thing is when people are expeainceing certain emotions they act different from others who are experaicing the same emotion. so i feel when the woman responded as she did that was her way of dealing with her emotions of frustration and loneliness. while your choice of words may not have been the words she needed to hear, i find your compassion to want to help her more important than the words itself. im sure after she gets to a better point in her emotions that she will realize this. keep your head up because while you might not always see it you are helping others in a very big way. youre inspirational and help to give that extra push needed to keep the hope alive. thats what really keeps us going. so thank you!