Hi,
I hope today is going good for you.
Today’s subject is a touchy one, so I’ll just tell you that up front.
It’s about how people in a manic episode tend to choose the wrong people to surround themselves with and how it can come back to hurt them and/or their families.
These new “friends” can be negative or toxic people, or even worse yet, they can be people who will take advantage of your loved one (and your finances), as some people do, because when your loved one is in a manic episode, they will not make right decisions (especially about money or business decisions).
Remember before when I’ve told you about Michele and how she taught her children about picking the right friends by using this 10/2 equation:
If you are a 10 and they are a 2, and you hang out with them, you are not going to bring them up to an 8, they are going to bring you down to a 4!
So that’s what I’m talking about here.
It’s hard for a supporter to watch their loved one go into a manic episode to begin with…
Then to see them get all outgoing and such (whether that is their normal behavior or behavior
caused by the bipolar disorder)…
And the next thing you know, their loved one is hanging around with these new people…
…and the supporter KNOWS that these people are bad for her loved one, but he just uses excuses, or defends his “new friends”…
Because he can’t see how they are bad for him – because he is in an episode, and is in denial about it.
That can be so frustrating for a supporter, because her loved one just won’t listen to her, and she
doesn’t want to get into a fight with her loved one, but she also doesn’t know what else to do!
She just has to silently stand by and watch her loved one be hurt by these people – Maybe they are just negative people and will bring her loved one down, and that’s not as bad as what some will do –
Some will take advantage of their “new friend” (the person in the manic episode) and possibly use them for their money, etc. But still the one in the episode will defend them!
In my courses and systems, I teach not only about how to deal with your loved one when they are in an episode, but also what to do when they won’t listen to you:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
It’s very difficult in this situation to get your loved one to listen to you.
For example: Michele’s mom has bipolar disorder, just like my mom. Michele spent hours with her mom, working out a routine for her.
Her mom was doing great on her routine. Until she met Mary.
Mary became close friends with Michele’s Mom. But she decided that Michele’s Mom didn’t need her routine any more, so guess who Michele’s mom listened to?
Well, after awhile, Mary kind of floated away from Michele’s mom, and Michele’s mom went into a SIX month episode, most likely caused by the fact that she had no routine to cling to, like she had before – she just couldn’t get “back on track.”
Do you see the important point that I’m making here? No one is saying that people with bipolar
disorder shouldn’t have friends. But only that they should be VERY particular in who they choose for friends.
To someone with bipolar disorder I would say to trust your supporter in this. If they think that there is something wrong with your “new” friends, there probably is. You just can’t see it, because you’re in an episode.
As a supporter, you most likely won’t have to deal with this problem when your loved one is in a bipolar depressive episode, as they will probably isolate more than go out and find “new” friends – that is more of a manic behavior.
I will tell you this as a p.s. – Michele’s mom sure learned her lesson about choosing her friends more carefully. And now she sticks to her routine, too! Today she is happy and stable, and is managing her bipolar disorder very well!
Post responses below
Hi Davie….
mmmm friends sus them out first….
Take Care Linda x
Altlhough I didn’t “think” I was in a manic episode, I had just lost my husband in September of 2003, when I met a computer repairman who came on to me, in October. We became “fast friends,” and one thing led to another, and we started “hooking up.” He “brought me back to life,” so to speak, so that when I refinanced my apartment house, he asked for a $25,000 loan. I thought nothing of it, as the refinancing was for $200,000. I drew up a legal note for repayment. He made 3 payments…then disappeared from my life.
He came back into my life in 2006, still not making any payments, but we did hook up. On January 1st, he disappeared again.
I now have a suit in court to recoup my losses. I blame myself for allowoing this man to “con” me. My best friend KNEW what he was doing, and warned me against giving him the money. NOW, when I DESPERATELY need the money…I don’t have it. The suit is moving slowly, as I have a lawyer who is taking the case pro bono, and, presumably, is taking her sweet time working on it.
No matter how GOOD in bed someone is, it’s NOT worth $25,000!!!
During this time, I was also loaning $20 here and $20 there to my tenants (who I found out later were crack addicts). Yep, I sure surrounded myself with toxic “friends,” and think NOW I have laearned my lesson. You can’t get blood out of a turnip, so my friends, too, have disappeared. People with bipolar HAVE to learn to listen to wiser friends, whether they are in an episode or not. I felt I was the “smartest” kid on the block; instead, it turned out, I was the “dumbest.” DON’T let THIS happen to YOU…
I would feel sorry for someone like who you described in your story. You hit the nail right on the head when you said that you won’t be bringing your friend up, they will be bringing you down. Unfortunately, I have friends like this. I still maintain some form of relationship with them, but it is very hard to be around them on some occasions. Thanks and keep up the good work.
I think that those people who are at a ’10’ do not want to bother with those who are at a ‘2.’ That is why those with depression feel isolated and alone.
My family members are rich, happy…living the great life. They are all at least at a ’10,’ if not higher. They are snots; they don’t want to bring themselves down to a ‘4.’
These ‘tens’ don’t want to give up a dollar of their wealth. They do not want to try to make the ‘twos’ lives’ a little bit better.
My mom has cancer. I am taking care of her, while trying to work a fulltime job. Logically, I cannot do this by myself. I need help. I have been at a ‘2,’ asking for those at a ’10’ to give up some of their happiness for some help. I got attacked by my aunt. She told me to never ask for anything from her again. While talking to her on the phone, I became upset and overdosed. She would not even call 911. A neighbor found me unconscious. Not one damn family member has called to see how my mom or I am.
They are the tens. We are the twos. I guess life is about winning and losing…tens and twos.
Perhaps I am writing in the wrong blog about this. I am complaining about my family who does not care and has consistently made my life difficult. I read my postings from 08, nothings changed. These people have not changed. I have not changed…I am still sad and very, very angry. I won’t change these people. I am wasting my time and energy.
To tried them all and failed…..I hear the pain in your posts….perhaps it is not they who are 10’s but you. You are caring for your mother, trying to keep your head above water in every possible way….and succeeding……you are the 10, not them. I believe that being a 10 requires much more than monetary wealth……it requires a wealth of the heart…you sound as though you have that……so I am going to encourage you to hold your head high and realize that you have the wealth that is so important and so hard to find and keep…..I hope your days get better……