==>>Help with ALL aspects of bipolar disorder<<==
Check out all my resources, programs and information
for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/catalog.asp
Hi,
How’s it going?
What’s new?
I wanted to send out a message about something
that I saw on my bipolar blog.
Someone wrote:
“P.S. I have spent years and years researching,
reading, developing plans and every doctor visit
he has had. I have also made sure that all his
medications have been taken and that every doctor
knows ever thing about him. I am sorry I sound rough,
however, sometimes I have to be to get him to get
him to take care of himself because he can do it.”
I get many emails like this. I see many blog
posts like this. I hear this in ALL the places
that I volunteer. I hear it on the phone.
It’s a constant theme. It’s the, I tried
to do it all but I can’t speech.
Many people contact me asking how they
can do more for a loved one with bipolar
disorder. I tell them they have to cut
back and stop doing so much.
You can’t do it all. You just can’t. You
can take care of your loved one with
bipolar from a to z. You can’t check to
make sure they take their medication all
the time. You can’t take them to every
single, doctor session, therapy session,
and fix all the problems they have.
If you try to, you will have a breakdown
yourself probably.
I remember back in the day, I use to
fix ALL my mom’s problems. I mean all of them.
Especially the ones related to money. No matter
how hard I tried, there would always be more
problems. I just couldn’t keep up. It almost
drove me out of my mind.
After my mom’s last big episode, I decided
no more. I decided that there would be some
things that I would help with and most things
I would not. She had to fix a lot of these
problems on her own.
This was a great decision and worked out super
well. Today she is independent and fixes
and prevents her own problems.
I started to tell other bipolar supporters
about my philosophy and either they said
they did the same thing and it worked or
they said they were going to try it and
when I spoke to them again, they said it worked.
If you think about it, how can fixing every
single person’s problems and trying to do it
all, work anyway? I know I did it but it doesn’t
make any sense.
I believe it’s important to know a lot of
techniques on how to help a loved one
with bipolar or how to manage the disorder
yourself. This is why in my courses, it
focuses on how to do things like
find a doctor
get a doctor to do a good job
find a good therapist
find a job
handle money issues
be a good supporter
what it takes to manage bipolar disorder well
etc.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
In addition, in my courses/systems,
I talk about this extensively about how
you have to watch out for enabling (or solving
every single one of your loved one’s problems) and most
of the interviews of those successful bipolar supporters
relay the same thing as well.
The reason why I wrote today is I felt really bad seeing
tons of emails and blog posts of people struggling to
help fix all their loved one’s with bipolar disorders
problems.
As a final note, if you have bipolar disorder, you can’t
do it all either generally. I know I believe in a can
do attitude but for the most part, many people with
bipolar disorder take on doing many, many things
at the same time. I have found through research
and also looking at the people who work for me,
you have to set priorities when you have bipolar
disorder and you may have to cut back on doing
things that are interfering with your own stability.
Something to think about. I have to take off now
and I will talk to you tomorrow.
Your Friend,
Dave
P.S. Don’t forget to take a look through the
different programs I’ve put together… each one is designed
to help you with a different area of bipolar disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/catalog.asp
P.P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
P.P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com
Dave,
What do you do when it is the family that is not interested in doing or learning anything. When I was in the hospital for my “big one” this year, I sent them info on living with loved ones with bi-polar… etc. I was told they didn’t care, it was all my fault, and the newest to come out. I was the one that let them down for going in the hospital. I feel hurt and betrayed. I know they had problems too, and I have tried to understand them, but no one has tried to understand me, and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Donna in VA
Wow….i just found your add yesterday, but i can already read that you have me pegged… My husband as well tries to “cover” for me alot. He also thinks that there is nothing really wrong with me. I have been diagnosed bi-polar for about 6 years now and still have not gotten it under control. When i think i do, i lose my insurance (or something) and quit taking meds.I am currently NOT taking meds, waiting on his insurance to kick in, in 2 months. I have however found a job that i really like and have been consistent for about 9 weeks now. It is a daily struggle to stay in the “now”.It is nice to know that what i have is REAL and not something that i try to excuse myself with.
Dave,
YES YES! Its sooo easy to get burnt out! I learned the hard way and i did get burnt out because i was acting like my daughter’s “sub-therapist” and trying to be a mother at the same time. I think sometimes i did too much and thats why she doesnt seem to be able to handle anything and still is not stable to this day at 19 where now i have no choice but to let her “flounder” in her own mistakes and force her to help herself by not having any contact with her because i just cant do it anymore and fight her resistance to treatment and the even idea of therapy and medication and ALL the drama that goes with it as a result of this denial. There does come to apoint where you have to say enough is enough. I cant do it for you or make you do anything you dont want to do and if you dont want to help yourself and are still in denial then dont expect me to be there to watch and suffer.
Dave you emails are comforting and i know you are touching lives every day!
I just read your email for today and you have described me to a T. I am or have always been an enabler. I feel like I have to take care of my son and his life. Because he doesn’t do it for himself. I have come to realize that I have been taking care of him since he was born and he is now 22 years old and does not have a job or any prospects. I have been taking care of all of his financial problems for all of his life. I realized when I read your email that maybe it is time to let him start taking care of his own problems. I also think that I don’t have to leave him on his own,, I can be of some support, but for the majority of the stuff, I will need to let him handle it. That is something that is very hard for me to do. But when do you know when to help and when not to???? A lot of my friends and family tell me to kick him out of the house and make him stand on his own to feet. I can not do that. Where would he end up. You see he is not on medication and the support group that we are going to be going to says that he does not have Bi-polar, that he has a drug addiction to POT. Well I know better, but that is why I am going to go with him to his first appointment on the 15th of this month. I have been keeping notes on his behavior and what stages he has been going through for the couple of months and I truly believe that he is Bi-Polar. He was tested in school and has been diagnosised with ADHD as well. He is not taking any meds for either. He does not like the way the medicine makes him feel and I can not make him understand that he has to keep trying new meds until he finds the right combination. But with this support group that he was in when he quit drinking, telling him that he is not bi-polar, it is not making it easy for any of us. Thanks for listening. Any suggestions for me in how to handle this would be great.
Hi Dave,
Today’s message affected me. My fiancee (got engaged in May) pulled the plug on our engagement and checked out on me a few weeks ago. This is a big episode.I am devastated, but know that she has Bipolar.She won’t admit that there is anything wrong and I am trying so hard to cope and to try to help her. But you are right, there comes a point when it begins to negatively affect your own stability. I am there. What can I do? I just don’t know how to get her to come to the table and talk about it and get some help.
Dave,
You are so right. Not one person can do everything. I married a man last year who has bipolar disorder I. We both did not know it until he “mixed episoded” and tried suicide and then was diagonosed correctley. Since then I tried to do it all. I went to all the Doctors appts. therapist appts. his finances have been a huge disaster and in trouble with the IRS I have had to try fixing everything. He also has small children in another state that he is constantly upset about. His mania is so incomprehinsible it is like an F5 tornado going through everything. In the last month I realized that I am so burnt out taking care of him getting him stablized has sucked the life right out of me. I have just recently listened to his therapist tell me “I can’t make him do anything”. I have to back off and let him take responsiblity for his actions now that he is on Meds. I have told him this and I realized that I have to do this or I will break down myself. I have decided that as a supporter that Bipolar Disorder I will not run or ruin my own life. Thank for you email support you are so right on about everything you write. I would not have made it this far without a divorce if it was not for your explanations. Your critics have not lived in a home with what really happens when extreem mood swinging starts and what goes with it. KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK. God Bless You.
My comment on this most recent posting is this. I realize I too am an enabler for both my son and my son’s dad. My resoning for it is that is just easier and less frustrating.
I decided a few months ago that me and my sons dad could no longer be together anymore because #1 he would not stop cheating and said he couldn’t.#2 – he hasn’t been on meds for over a year because he thinks they don’t help and only make things worse & #3 lastly I can’t take it anymore and tired with the not doing anything and letting them both do things on their own and for themselves. This still hasn’t worked, but for the most part I now have one Bi-polar child to have to deal with and not two. The other doesn’t like it, but after years and years of standing by my man and his “problems” I gave up.
This disease is killer and takes a whole lot emotional support for all to get through the day. I just did not have that from where I needed it, so I had to throw in the towel. I hope at the very least the “adult” here can realize he needs help and not always use his disease as the answers to his problematic behaviors.
Tracy, MA.
Dear Dave. Hello I have been reading your E mails everytime I get them. They have helped me and I have realy thought about what you say. My son is by-polar and last night we had to put him in the hospital because his medication just is’nt working, and the stress of my separation from his father. I have taken alot of what you say to heart because I am handling my son myself, I try to talk to my parents to let them know this is not a made up problem. I have had to deal with this for many years. (my son is 17) and your E mails have been a big help to me. I do want to Thank you, it helps me deal with what I am up against. And it makes me love my son because you make things easier for me to live day to day. When I get fustrated at him I just pull up one of you E mails and it helps me make the choices. Thanks Dave.
Cindy in CO
If the person who has Bipolar is doing everything they can to get better, consistently taking their meds, finally found the right Psychiatrist, reading inspirational & spiritual books, in other words all the right things. And your family still refuses to support you. In fact when I’m really having a hard time they avoid me altogether.
One of my children stayed away for close to 3 years. The other is in college and used to be the one who always cheered me on, encouraged me and a few months ago he decided that he couldn’t handle it, he had his own issues and didn’t want to be around me,except on a limited basis because it interfered with what he wanted to do.
I’m also working on an online business. I have absolutely no one in my life. When I slipped into deep depression everyone, even lifelong friends left.
I was mis-diagnosed when I first “fell apart” (due to a lot of trauma and loss in my life)I was able to block things out before and had a very successful career. I learned this in childhood. (due to my Father and his extreme temper which he took out on me. And many many other issues)
I was going to an Internist and seeing a Psychologist. I kept telling them I knew I had Bipolar. I had all the symptoms and had battled mood swings all my life. My daughter also recognized the symptoms. This was after 7 years of not being able to function. I also had anxiety/panic disorder. And developed Agoraphobia.
Finally after all those years I found a Psychiartrist who specailizes in Bipolar and he diagnosed me and told me how grossly undertreated I had been and was on the wrong meds. Luckily I have a milder form, I’ve never had to be hospitalized or had extreme episodes. (my things not ever being able to handle money, shopping addiction, (no longer)
Except $ is an issue as there is not enough and I’m always short. (no script coverage either)Right now I’m facing eviction because of new meds, new Drs etc, I fell behind. He has given me another week to come up with all I owe.
I am on disability and that money does not go far. I am very very careful now with my money. (I taught myself)
And still because they think this illness has gone on long enough that they should not help out.
So, what do you say to children who feel you should figure out and do everything yourself?? I suggested family therapy. No, to that idea.
So, my anxiety has increased and I’m more & more afraid to leave the house again. Loneliness & isolation are very hard to deal with. Plus I developed other medical problems due to the period before being diagnosed.
But, I did manage to be there for my son. In fact we had/have? a real bond. He thanked me for raising him to be the man he is today. Now my daughter and I are off & on.(as were befoe and I was there for her, if she would allow me) Part of the strength I managed, came from being a single Mom and raising them both on my own completely. (no Father in the picture ever)
They said I was always strong and can’t understand why I can’t be well by now.
Only six weeks ago I found the right dr.and got on the right meds. Before I had a very hard time focusing, concentrating or making decisions. It’s getting much better.
Sorry this went on so long but I had to give you the whole story.
I can’t wait for your ad to come out on the research assistant. One thing I did consistently and have as long as I can remember is research on a myriad of subjects. I have always been an avid reader and love to learn. So, I kept part of my sanity by researching and educating myself on the computer. It became my only outlet and escape.
And now that I’m functioning on a higher level this would be wonderful. In fact I’ve been searching out this job. Obviously with starting my online business I have do research. I’m also a writer. Have been as long as I can remember.
And yes there is time for both.
My site is on Domestic Violence.(concentrating on verbal & emotional abuse).
Well there you have it. Thanks for this outlet and all you do.
PK
Thank You! I just had the biggest cry I have had in a long time. With my husband and two children who all have major disabilities, I have unfortunately got into the I have to do it all and I have to fix everything and make everything a stable living environment because if I don’t my life goes down the tubes. I have become a black and white thinker (never was one before.) If I take care of them, I can’t take care of me or if I take care of me I can’t take care of them. All or nothing, one side or the other. I must now find my way back to the way I used to think ~ there are colors in between. It isn’t all or nothing!
I have also become very critical of myself and guilty when I don’t do and be it all. In the short term I may make things peaceful and stable by doing it all, but in the long run I have created an even bigger problem for myself. Everyone is okay because I make sure they are, but I have never made sure I was okay until recently. My two children think it’s great that I finally am, but my husband (bipolar), who is a black and white thinker ~ all or nothing, has become more manipulative, more critical and more childish because he always comes first no matter what. Just as young children do, so shall he learn life cannot revolve just around him. At least I hope he will.
As I ,daily, continue to read your emails and blogs, I am impressed with those who have bipolar who are proactive in their lives and are willing to do what it takes to try to keep their lives stable and successful. I can only imagine how difficult it can be and they should proud of themselves. I can only hope and pray my husband gets to that point someday. Thanks Again
Just feel like typing…I finally broke up with my jerk of a boyfriend so I am feeling really positive about that…some people are sooo incompetant. And I am not talking about anyone related to bipolar. I just mean in general…It is a beautiful day in Sacramento tho1 ~Sher
Dave,
After 10 months of my emotional and financial ruins and the inability to “Do It All” any longer, I stumbled upon your site in search for direction. I tried for months to find someone or some organization that could help me help my 27 year old son even though he is in denial. He hasn’t worked for the past 10 months (when he did, he was very successful) and he is about to loose his house which has been in my family for 54 years. He continues to complicate his financial situation. He has alienated family and friends. His younger brother who lives with me is very angry and wants nothing to do with him and gets annoyed when I try to help his brother. This adds greatly to my frustrations. As a mother with faith I can’t, give up my hope and efforts to get my son to realize and get the help he really needs ….. but on the other hand I can’t keep doing what I’m doing. Your courses sound awesome but I’m so overwhelmed and don’t know where to begin ….can you please offer me some thoughts.
Pat in NJ
Hi Dave.. I too enjoy reading your e-mails. I’ve had bipolar for almost 12 yrs. When my second child was born. She was born with a lot of medical problems and I couldn’t handle the stress. In 2005 I got a disease called CIDP. My husband filed for divorce and has my two children. I live with my mom and she is wonderful. I hope to find my soulmate and give that special someone what I have to offer. I am a great person but I have been at my limit. Keep up the goodd work.
Diane
Hi Dave,
This hit the nail on the head. My daughter is now 33. She cannot function financially on her own. I always come to her rescue as I had a sister with bi-polar who comitted suicide and I think my daughter uses that as a threat. I’m trapped because I never know for sure. She has overdosed on 2 occasions.
My husband and other children say let her fend for herself, but I can’t. Help? I always read your e-mails but haven’t been able to do a course yet.
Trying to ‘fix’ all of another’s problems, meds, etc. is called CO-DEPENDENCY. We can’t do it w/bipolar illness, we can’t do it w/alcoholism, we can’t do it w/any chronic illness. Try Alanon, or at least, barring some meetings, get yourself a daily meditation book from the local Alanon office, and add it to your daily repertoire of readings. Believe me it’ll work. Good luck. Lynn S. from California.
THAT’S the word – PRIORITIZE!!! How many times have I dealt with that word in my working days…
In my last job in this city, I was working in the local Legal Aid Society. Each secretary had to learn the receptionist’s duties, handle three to four attorneys’ work load, do timesheets, and even, toward the end, do intake interviews for divorces and restraining orders. Whew!
There came a time when I went into a hypermanic state. My boss told me to “prioritize:” I didn’t understand what he really wanted me to do! About this time, I had a migraine attack that sent me to the hospital for three weeks! When I was released, I was on 32 medications a day…my boss allowed me to work half-days until I was better. Well, I DIDN’T get better – I got worse. My Mother took me to a neurologist at the University Hospital to take me OFF most of the meds – which he did.
To top all of this off – the other secretary QUIT, and I was left to do her work AND mine. I felt myself creeping into a full-blown manic state; how could I “prioritize” when I had to do EVERYTHING in an 8 hour day. THAT became my downfall…
One day, I typed a deposition, and my boss and the lawyer I was working for at the time, approached me and showed me my work. There was an error in EVERY line! That was NOT like me – I always proofread my own work (and typed 121 w/p/m.). He took me into his office, and said he would have to let me go. I was mortified. He offered disability payments through Legal Aid; I accepted.
I absolutely COULD NOT handle my situation. My Mother thought it was just exhaustion, combined with the meds I was then on. She lived 30 miles away, and could not stay with me. I contacted the local Community Mental Health Center, and they regulated my meds and gave me therapy on an outpatient basis. I was on disability until I got married.
No – I could NOT do it all. At that time, I was a landlady for two apartments in my apartment house. Somehow, I managed to take care of THAT responsibility. I had three years of living freely, not having a full-time job, as I was on disability, and frittering my life away. I did get a job when disability was running out, but my boss did not understand bipolar, and he helped me write my own resignation letter (so he wouldn’t get caught on discrimination in employment issues). I got married as soon as my disability ran out.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say, in soooo many words is – even when you FEEL you’re a highly functioning bipolar, you DO need HELP from outside sources. The Community Mental Health Center literally saved my life (although I have NEVER been suicidal – that’s just a figure of speech), and I was able to keep my house, paying mortgage on time, watching my spending, etc.
P.S. I never DID learn how to “prioritize!”
BIG HUGS to all those with bipolar disorder and those who love them. God loves you, and so do I.
Dave, I was thinking about your letter today. I find it interesting that just recently, I caused some financial trouble in my family, guess what, my husband looked at me and told me to handle it. I was, lets just say, not to happy, with him but I managed to solve the problem. I did it. I figured it out, yes I ran the solution of the problem by him, but it was up to me to figure out how to solve the problem.
I am getting support in other ways from my husband. (I have rapid cycling bipolar, hypomania and severe depression) Although I sort pills for the week, see to it that refills are called in and picked up. He asks to make sure I have taken my meds. sometimes he even checks my pill holder. (It is a two way street, I check to make sure he has taken his diabetic meds. too) He gives me input when I ask when I am filling out my mood journal, he suggests things/problems I might speak with my doctor/therapist about when I ask him. I am in charge, not him, it is up to me to sink or swim. If I am hitting a low, and since my meds, my lows are not as bad as they were. He is supportive and will lend an extra hand while pushing me to take a walk or get me out of the house, and takes those walks with me encouraging me to go a little further.
Thanks Ann in WA
Dave,
Perhaps you can’t really ever ‘support’ someone with bp, as this itself means you are taking some of the responsibility away from the sufferer. As someone with bp I know that it is totally my responsibility to take my medication, eat properly, exercise, etc. I don’t think you can ‘support’ anyone at all unless they make this basic commitment to their own healing. If you don’t accept this your relationship with the bp becomes dependent and harmful to both of you.
I think the best support you can give to the person you care about is to monitor when they lack the insight to recognise that they are spiraling up or down and help them get help.
For yourself as a supporter you need to ensure that you have sufficient friendships and outside contacts to keep you going and to help you focus on other things as well.
I have found meditation to be a huge help – I found at http://www.centerpointe.com a meditation series that raises your stress threshold and create endorphins in the brain amoung other things. This technique requires an hour a day but changes your life. I used to have panic attacks but now am able to calmly and sensibly respond to troubles instead of reacting and going into huge stress myself.
Michelle
my daughtr has bipolar with a manic depressive kicker. Right now she is in a psych ward because her husband had stayed out all night with a female and then after she spent the whole night worried he came home and couldn’t understand why she was upset. She cut herself and then he said her meds weren’t working. I try to let her live her own life but it is so hard to see her struggle when her own doctors seem to give her medicine that does not work. I am at a loss
My future mother in-law is going through this problem right now. She feels she has to do everything because she is the mother, and that he is not in the condition to do things by himself even if he wants and feels he can. She is having a lot of mental and health issues because she thinks she can do it all, and we try to help her and she thinks she is losing control of the situation and that we that the rest of the family is against her. The Dr already talked to her about this, but he strongly feels that she needs help too. The worst part is that we will have 2 persons in the family that need mental help.
Very thought provolking – addressed a number of issues I was either ignorant of or unwilling to accept. I look forward to the rest of the series.
Steve
Dave,
Thanks so much for all your emails! They’ve helped me understand bipolar disorder a lot already and i’m a newcomer. i’ve been subscribed for only about a month. I’m a supporter of my boyfriend who has bipolar II. Now, i’m aware of the differences b/t the two diagnosises, but this email really hit home b/c even though he has bipolar II, his despressive episodes can be very gruesome. One of his tendencies(along with many bipolar I or II patients) is his inability to make sound decisions OR the temptations to make quick & rash decisions. Depending on the moment sometimes he’ll even turn to smoking drugs as a “quick fix” decision. I find myself making a lot of decisions for him such as “no, drugs are not the answer”, “you might want to look for long term answers instead of quick-fixes”. We’re both graduate students and recently he’s ‘decided’ he’d like to drop out (he just had a prescritpion change). I’ve asked him to evaluate the reasons why to help him make it clearer for himself if it’s the right decision. I don’t want to make decisions for him, but I’m worried about him all the time. I don’t want him turning to drugs or changing his career path just b/c his body is getting used a new prescription (he just started it 2 days ago, the prior Rx had been wearing off so his doctor just issued a new), but i can’t hold his hand all day long. I find myself making decisions for him b/c when he’s depressed he just wants the easiest way out. I feel that if he understood his illness better he would understand himself better and his tendencies, thus allowing himself to be more proactive and prone to better decision making. I just want what’s best for him. I don’t want his illness to ruin his life.
Please comment or contact me if you have any time at all.
Worried in MA,
J. Norman