Hi,
How’s it going?
Hope you are doing well.
Before I get started, I wanted to
tell you that I have recorded 30 podcasts
for bipolar supporters and bipolar survivors
and I am going to be posting them
on my podcast site. These are F.ree
mini lessons on bipolar disorder that
you can listen to on your computer
or on your mp3 player or ipod.
I will let you know when I have
posted them. It took me half
the day yesterday to record
them all yesterday.
Also, I am strongly considering
offering some f.ree coaching
sessions on people that want
to start a b.usiness and are
dealing with bipolar disorder. Not sure
how I am going to do it but
I have a few ideas.
Will let you know.
Okay, oh, one last thing. Something
funny. You’re going to laugh.
Yesterday I was in the supermarket shopping.
There was a man a woman who were there.
The woman was pushing the cart and the guy
was trailing behind her. I noticed
that he was taking cookies out of
the bin and eating them. One by one.
I saw him look around to make sure people
weren’t looking.
This little girl saw him and “screamed
MOMMY…that man is stealing!!!!”
The girl’s mom looked at the guy who
had a cookie in his mouth and the little
girl said, “MOMMY..he’s stealing cookies.”
The mom said, “shhh. Stop it. Be quiet.”
The little girl then said, “mommy stealing
is bad!!!!!.”
The mom said, “I know, but we have to have
our inside voice on in the store.”
It was so funny. The guy then was all red
and said, “umm. Oh, I am going to pay for
those.” His wife gave him one of those, “you
just wait until we get home….you’re going
to get it looks.”
It was really funny.
Today I want to talk about setting
boundaries for bipolar supporters.
Yesterday I was on the phone with
a coaching client.
He was really mad about something.
He told me that his wife winds up
going into mini episodes all the time
and then calling him over and over
and over about urgent bipolar emergencies.
He said, “it never fails, whenever I am
doing something important, my wife calls
80 times and says there is this or that
problem and I must deal with it.”
He told me how he was tired of dealing
with bipolar emergencies and that it
was making him have anxiety.
I listened for a while. He went on
to say this has been going on for
years and years. So long, he can’t
remember when it started.
I then told him, he needs to
set boundaries. He also needs to
stop feeding the mania.
In my courses/systems:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
I talk about how people can feed mania or make
bipolar disorder worse. There are so
many ways, I can’t even list them
all in this email.
Anyway, this use to happen with my mom
for YEARS. My mom always had an
emergency. And guess who always got
the call? ME.
I would be right in the middle of something
super important and my mom would call
and say this or that happen. Or she
would tell me bad news of some kind.
Did you know that so and so got killed
in an accident. Or that this bad thing
happen. Half the time, I would be right
in the middle of a meeting and I would
be all worried about what emergency
this was.
My dad on the other hand wouldn’t return
my mom’s calls. Neither would my brother.
I always wondered why but eventually after
I got out of college, bipolar emergencies
went to me. My dad and brother must have
been thinking, “better him than me.”
Like my coaching client, I had the same
problems and they were really annoying.
Eventually several months after my mom
had her big episode I said, “I am not
dealing with these emergencies anymore.
She can fix her own problems.”
I told my mom how I wasn’t going to
solve her problems any more and I didn’t
want to always hear bad news from her.
I told her that I wouldn’t pick up the phone
after 7:00pm, EST. I also warned her
that she had alienated most family members
by only calling with bipolar emergencies,
urgent issues or bad news. People in the
family equated her call with trouble and
therefore the avoided her calls.
BIPOLAR SURVIVOR LESSON:
If you have bipolar disorder and you have
done this over the years because of manic
episodes, you correct this by calling
people with good news and non urgent
things over a period of time. You retrain
the people around you to no longer equate
your calls with bad stuff. Make sense?
My accountant, use to have the same problem.
His wife had bipolar disorder and wasn’t
in treatment. She would call him 20 times
a day. I saw one day, while I met with him,
his wife called, over and over and over
to scream at him. He actually would take
the calls. Many of his clients were NOT
understanding like me and left and thought
he and his wife were crazy. Sad but true.
If you are a bipolar supporter, you have
to set boundaries with your loved one
and not get caught up in bipolar emergencies.
If you find what I just described happening
to you all the time, ask yourself the question:
“when you responded to the emergencies, did
you ever resolve anything?” Probably not,
so doing it in the future probably won’t
either.
Let your loved one know when to call,
when you with respond and let them know
that you aren’t going to be fixing
all their problems. It’s not good for
you or them.
Bipolar emergencies run people into
the ground. If you don’t set boundaries,
you’ll wind up losing it, having no
life at all, developing anxiety and
many other bad things, if you are
a bipolar supporter.
Hey, I have to go to the gym. I will
catch you tomorrow. Have a great day.
Your Friend,
Dave
P.S. Want your own copy of these daily bipolar
emails sent to you for F.ree? If so, visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/register3
P.P.S. Don’t forget to take a look through the
different programs I’ve put together… each one is designed
to help you with a different area of bipolar disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/catalog.asp
P.P.P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
P.P.P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com
Don’t feed into it! That is sooooooooooo hard to do. In most mental health issues, not just mania. I am trying to learn how to NOT do that with my kids. It’s just so hard because you have to be able to know when it’s feeding into it and when it’s helping. When you try to set limits or refuse to help if it’s not an emergency, the person tends to get mad and say then I won’t ask you to help at all. It’s like dealing with little kids, no matter what their age! My mom was bipolar and got to a point where she didn’t bother us with her little bipolar emergencies and we’d get involved after she got in trouble in one way or another. My daughters tend to shut down and shut me out if I don’t respond to them when they decide they need to call mom. It’s a hard thing to accomplish though… I’m trying though. I’m identifying that I am an enabler… I’m reading the book “Co dependant No More” as part of our family therapy. My ex and my daughters’ father is an alcoholic and I had no idea that staying with him all those years had such a deep rooted affect on all of us, but especially on how my daughters formed their self confidence and self esteem… or I should say how they didn’t. We all developed coping skills, but they weren’t beneficial ones. Sometimes it makes you wish you could go back and get a “do over”. I realize that your past makes you what and who you are in the present. We are stronger because of what we’ve successfully survived! I need to teach the girls that! We are learning though!
Dave,
I wish I had found out about your page and you years ago. There were times when I felt I was alone in my battles… it’s not just bipolar, your advice fits most mental health disorders. Keep up what you do. You are truly touching people. Even if it’s just a place to read what everyone else says and to feel less alone, but you give a lot of good information and I’m sure have helped many many people! Thank you for that!
David, I realize nothing is “simple”, but to me, that’s the most valuable thing you’ve told us in a long time.
XO, Carolyn T.
First, I am a bipolar survivor. I have been stable for over a year and I am doing great. My problem is my main supporter, mom. I had to set boundaries for her because she would call me 6-10 times a day for nothing really. So far, she has complied and understands my reasons why I did that.
Another issue is your emails. Do you or another person proof read them before they are sent out? I use to proof my ex-husbands reports so that they had proper spelling and punctuation. Maybe you should do the same. I can decipher most anything people mess up on, maybe others can’t or they just smile when a mistake is noticed.
This is so true my sister has been calling for 30 years with her problems (most of the time its the problem she is having with the “people” who are ruling her life). She lives with my mother who is 76 and in very poor health and rants and raves at her and now again is in a hospital. She is allowed phone usage from 8am till 9pm and continues to call my mother and rant and rave. I dont know what to do I have told the hospital staff, but evidently they feel my sister has the right to use the phone. Been thru this with many hospitals for 30 plus years now……I dont know what to do at this point.
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Please contact me about this Statement. I work at SBTV.com which is a small business website. We have the most extensive archive of Information about entreprenurship and small businesses in one place on the Internet today. Check it out and contact us. Oh, yeah. I am one of these people who have Bipolar and Want to help you like you have helped me. Let me know if there is something I can do to help.
“Also, I am strongly considering
offering some f.ree coaching
sessions on people that want
to start a b.usiness and are
dealing with bipolar disorder. Not sure
how I am going to do it but
I have a few ideas.”
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dave, my problem is that I am a bipolar sufferer. I have a mother and two grown up sons who refuse to acknowledge this problem of mine. My husband does and I know it’s difficult for him, but he also really doesn’t know how to support me about from to say “have you taken your medication” if I go a bit over the top. What can I do?
Liz from Westville, KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa.
Here is a little humor in medications that will hopefully make all of you laugh a little about the world and our problems
Joke: New Drugs on the Market
St. Mom’s Wort – Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen – Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait til they moved out.
Flipitor – Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics – When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Buyagra – Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all – When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a really bad club music CD or a book by that awful television doctor.
Jack Asspirin – Relieves the headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident – A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Ragamet – When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Hope you all had a good laugh!
I was last fifteen years maintened a almost daily conversation with my daughter, about urgent issues and bad news, and I felted very guilt of d’ont get to solve all their problems.It seems that I had to give help, but at the end of the conversations, she always faught with me.I didn’t knew what she would to do ,and a lot of times,it was different what I had suggested. Even so, with that attendance ,I had maneged to do that she didn’t lose her job some three times.I’m now establishing boundaries ,and she is more conscious that she needs to take remedies. Lilian P.
This comment has been removed by the author.
I like this advice. I’ve learned to set boundaries with my bp husband. (Does anyone else think it’s a shame that we have to set boundaries with our spouse?!!!)
Dave, I love your story about the man eating cookies in the supermarket. Keep sending these funny stories – we enjoy them.
My boyfriend does not phone every 5 minutes with an emergency. When he is in an episode he does the opposite – he disappears for a few days with his phone switched off telling no-one where he is. The first time he did this I was the one phoneing everyone and asking in shops, concerned that something has happened to him. Now I try not to worry, as he usually does this disappearing act for 3 or 4 days, then returns full of energy and love and enthusiasm.
Catwoman, Please let us know that you’re ok. We’re all concerned about you.
Dave – as I look back on my full-blown manic episodes, I WOULD call friends and not-so-good friends at all hours of the day and night, NOT in an emergency situation, but just to tell them I loved them. I know this was aggravating too, but I felt I HAD to reach out to SOMEONE at the time, and the phone was the only way I had to do it. And – they WEREN’T local calls.
I would call people I hadn’t seen since college, or high school, or just ran into in psych wards some time before. These people DIDN’T want to hear from me, and I was burning up the long distance charges using third-party calls. Needless to say, this was just one of the “messes” my Mom had to clean up after when I was finally hospitalized; she HAD to pay the phone bill…
When I was recovering at my Mom’s house after all of my hospitalizations, I wasn’t allowed to use the phone for anything but local calls to my girl friends. I didn’t have any boyfriends then to speak of. This was her way of setting a boundary.
Supporters – it is up to YOU to set boundaries of what you will, and will NOT accept from your loved one. Bad judgment calls are symptoms of bipolar disorder, and we do NOT feel accountable when we make these kinds of mistakes. You need to “tighten our leashes” when our behavior becomes such that you will not/cannot abide them. But – use common sense, and eventually the bipolar survivor will understand just how far, and no farther, they can go with you.
Dave – funny story in the email! LOL! My Mom used to pick up Bing cherries when they were in season at the grocery, and just eat them out of the bin! This story just reminded me of her…
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love them. I keep you in my prayers. God bless you real good.
Hi Dave, your info today makes very
good sense not just for those supporting someone with bypolar
disorder but in everyday life. If
you don’t learn to do this for yourself people will take advantage
of you and your good nature.
My no 1 boundry is: do not accept
behavior from family or friends
you would not accept from a stranger. Most things we need to
make our lives easy and run smoothly are pretty simple and
basic.
Your tips are always an inspiration, or help me realize I’m on the right track as a
supporter…so thanks very much..
I’m sure your not told that enough…Thank you for a job well
done…Hugs,Alexa
To BPSERENITY: WOW! What GREAT new “medications!” Wish I could take the “Antitalksident” and “Ragamet;” they sound right up my alley! I printed them for my boyfriend, as he gets a kick out of wacky aphorisms such as yours.
If you have any more, PLEASE share!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this bit of advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What more can I say.. Oh I LOVE it! Thank you! Lisa
My son and I are cleaning up years(!) of junk, purchases, paper, files, equipment, maps, books, educational materials, computers, printers, photo equipment, floppy disks, etc that my husband has piled up in his “office”. Basically it’s years of allowing mania to be in charge. When my husband complained to my son, “why are you throwing that out? I might need it!” my son said “why don’t you be quiet….I’m doing you a favor”. (He’s 21–not a kid) I think this is a perfect example of standing up to the bipolar, and letting them know what you will/will not put up with. In other words, this room is unacceptable. It means Mr. Manic is living here. And we’re not letting Mr. Manic live here anymore.
To Ana,
VERY good. You are on track. You can’t let Mr. Manic run the show so to speak.
Dave
Setting limits is an amazing thing. Being prepared to catch the flack you’re goint to get from them is really hard. I have been in therapy myself since August to help try and handle all the changes that have been going on with my bipolar husband. I was told there too and even by my husbands own doctor that I needed to set limits. If I didn’t I was going to be continued to be abused by him financally and emotionally. Setting that first limit was a huge moment for me. I started small by no longer letting him swear at me. It seems obvious doesn’t it. Things I had allowed to settle for as years went by that when we were first together I didn’t allow. He left the home and tried to settle times for him to see the kids and he would begin to swear I would tell him it was not acceptable and when he could talk to me civilly we could talk again. He began swearing and banging the phone so I hung up. Instead of trying to speak to me again he simply told everyone I was keeping the kids from him. When I told him I wanted visits supervised until he went back to his doctor and start taking his meds again with an ok from his doctor saying he was stable he was furious. He denies he was ever diagnosed with bipolar. Even though his doctor in court said he was currently in the bipolar spectrum. He has enlisted his parents in his denial. They do not think he has bipolar. I now have them sending emails to me. I am only in the beginning of my journey of learning to set limits. Being honest with yourself of what is ok with you and what is not ok is hard enough but standing by them is even harder. I am finding though once you get past the first few times of anger from others a feeling of release for standing up forself feels real good. Right now I am still facing the push back stage from him and his family. I am amazed too at how I am not angry with anyone. I was hurt and felt horrible but not angry. I understand how hard this must be for his parents. There has been no real connection with them or him for 18 years. Now they have a common bond in being angry with me. I know in time they will see what the children and I have been dealing with. It is fustrating though to not have their support in all this…time will tell.
hello, i havent written much before but i need some help. my wife is bipolar and being online is a way for her to vent some of her anger and stuff. she has freinds online some are guys. i didnt really like that but i didnt say anything because i didnt want to set off a mood swing and also a couple of months ago i did a bad thing and i looked at some pron online. i have prayed and prayed forgiveness and i have started to feel like things were going to be okay. BUT THen a week or so ago we got our internet cut off, and she has been writing this one guy letters and poems. i of course got jealuos and i read some of them without her knowing. the poems are about love and in one of the letters she tells this guy he took her off guard when he told her he loved her later in the letter she tells me she loves him. that broke my heart in like thousands of parts. i went on thinking maybe she might like a brother. then today i stuipdly read another letter she had wrote him, in which she tells him how much she misses him etc.. and how when she gets out of school she thinks she will be okay on her own since she is on a good medcine. but she is scared of what will happen with the kids and she is scared of telling me that she doesnt love me that way she should because it will crush me. when i read that my heart sunk. i did not want to belive what i just read. it hurts to much to say thinking she doesnt love me. that way i love her. she is my whole life and my reason i do anything. i went to take a shower and i tried to kill myself in the tub. but a voice told me i couldnt do that if not for me than for my kids and god. so here i am at work in pain not knowing what to do or where to turn. sorry it was so long. anyone have any idea what i should do? could all this just be because of her bipolar?
To CHRIS: YES, absolutely, this behavior is indicative of bipolar disorder symptomatology. When a bipolar sufferer is in a hypomanic, or full-blown manic episode, their “sex glands” are on full-tilt. Indiscriminate and random sex is “normal” for a bipolar in this condition. It was for me.
DO NOT try any more to kill yourself!! You say you have kids – and, when your wife is regulated on her meds, or is hospitalized to get back on them – and a wife, and you are NEEDED by all of them. And don’t even GO to the guilt your death at your own hands would cause ALL of them.
You know you shouldn’t have gone snooping in her mail, and now you have to face the consequences. My boyfriend of five months opened an email of mine and found an erotic email I had sent to ANOTHER boyfriend – he confronted me with it, and we broke up over it. I have since broken up with the other guy, and am back with the first. He saw that it was a symptom of my bipolar, and has taken me back with open arms. He doesn’t blame me – he blames the ILLNESS…
If you can get your wife to see her psychiatrist/therapist to “tweak” her meds, or even have her committed to a hospital to “break” the manic cycle, that is the route I would take. She so obviously needs help right now, not condemnation. If/when she “comes down” she will look back on this period with remorse, and probably hate herself. You must STILL be her supporter.
I know you’re hurt right now. My boyfriend – when he found out – was ANGRY and MAD, not hurt. Maybe if you were more emotional when you’re with your wife, she would come around. It’s the “thrill of the chase” and the Big “O” she’s looking for right now, not the “convenient” husband.
Get her into therapy; and it sounds like you could use some yourself to deal with this situation you find yourself in. If not for yourself, then for your kids.
I will keep you in my prayers.
okay, so if i am understanding this the right way. you are saying it is MY
fault? because i do everything for her, my entire life is centered on her.
man i wish i was bipolar so i could get away with anything i wanted 2.
Chris,I’m thinking about you, and quite concerned. I felt that you is a person that respects your wife
and is trying the better for both and your children.I think that her also too,because her concern about your suffer.Now, perhaps she is thinking that isn’t in love with you.But what is love ? First is care with the other and I think that you do that.One characteristic of the personality boderline is to feel ” empty”.You say that she is felling better, but this characterisc may her to seek the love in a romantic way.You are a religion person when you say that you prayed “and you ” felt in your inner soul” that the die isn’t the solution.If you to keep on the head in the place ,all will to pass…and THINK you are her suppoter, don’t forget that…Lilian P.
THANK-YOU DAVID!!!!! This one fits my home life to a tee!!! my daughter is always having an emergency of some sort- and I always felt guilty if I didn’t respond ASAP. Thank you thank you- thank you for letting me know I don’t have to jump and run and that she can take care of some of this herself!!!! Peace to you, christy
Chris, it’s not your fault you found out (however you went about it) what was going on with your wife. I would have snooped,too. You kind of have to stay on top of what’s going on when you are with a person that is bipolar. And besides, I don’t believe that a spouse should be doing anything in private that he/she wouldn’t do right in front of their spouse.
But now that I’ve said that, what I really want to say is this: maybe your wife doesn’t love you anymore. I’m sorry, but that happens sometimes. Maybe she does. Maybe it’s just a bipolar episode. I sure don’t know. I don’t know her and I don’t know you and I’m not a doctor. But I DO know that if you tried to kill yourself in the tub, the number one priority at this time is for you to get into your own therapy. You are in your own personal crisis.
I sincerely hope that you get help, Chris. And I sincerely hope that everything works out between you and your wife. But whether it does or it doesn’t, you still need to get help. Curling up in a ball for awhile and licking your wounds is one thing …. trying to kill yourself in the tub is something entirely different.
Best of luck to you.
Chris,
I don’t usually like to talk about my own weaknesses or past flaws.
I have BD too and I get desperate for friendship when I am not depressed.
A couple of years ago I was trying to get a home based business off the ground and I tried every form of advertisement with no luck. One day I got this bright idea that I would go into a chat room under alternative medications because I was selling a nutritional supplement.
I do not ever go into chat rooms so had no idea what I was in for. They asked my age, sex, and I think language. Well I found out pretty quick that there are a lot of predators online these days.
I call them predators because they knew I was married and still made their move to seduce me. Well my sex life at home is pretty good, and I wouldn’t say that I don’t get my needs met.
However, the fact that they called me intelligent and beautiful really sucked me in. I found myself communicating and growing fond of this one gentleman in particular. Who profusely told me he loved me and wanted me to come live with him (he was from another country, no less).
To make a long story short I was convinced that I was in love with this man and wanted to leave my husband and children for him. Really I was so hyped up in mania that I wasn’t thinking clearly.
Thank GOD my husband found out and explained to me that when men are like this they are usually predators looking to take advantage of people like me. KIND, SWEET, GULLIBLE.
With BD you are prone to flights of fantasies and risky behaviors.
If you have your wife read the profile of a predator she may see the big picture.
I am truly sorry she has wounded you but just like David has said you have to learn to seperate BiPolar behaviors from the actual real loved one.
Set boundaries…for instance you can forbid her to talk with men online anymore because if she doesn’t want to hurt you then she will comply. Let her know that there are groups online where she can meet other women to relate with such as BiPolar groups.
Don’t tell her she is gullible just tell her she is such a good person that others take advantage of that quality.
God Bless
BPSerenity
Would be interested in free coaching to start a business if you decide to do that….Mindy
To SuzanneWA,
I like the wisdom you showed,and
the courage to say what had to be
said.
I am supporting an ex love interest. I had to terminate our relationship as he was totally sexually out of control when in a full blown manic episode. He is a rapid episode bypolar. No inbetween. It’s one or the other everyday or through out the day..
He is addited to alcohol and hasn’t
been on meds for years.
I stay close to him as a friend,and
support him. He’s worth it,we all
are..