HI THERE….
I would just like to say you don,t actually no what anything is like untill you have been there your self.A think depresion is somethink you have got to fight and I no its hard its seems even harder when you are in the doom and gloom.God helps you through it.
Take Care Linda x

Now, in a way I can understand him, though I don’t quite agree with him.
My partner has been depressed for the last 3 years and has spells when he’s extremely low. I’m fortunate in a sense though, because he is forcing himself out of bed and doing some household chores. That helps him keeping busy while I’m at work, and it gives me some quality time with him when I’m back.
However, I have learnt now that it is particularly hard to have a conversation with him when he is very depressed. Whenever I ask him something, he either ignores me or thinks I want to challenge him. How should I deal with it, as a supporter? My patience might run out as well sometimes, and believe me, having had a hard day at work and being ignored as soon as I walk through the door is not very easy to deal with. I grew up learning that every time you settle down at home you ask your loved one how their day was and this is how you could start a conversation. Mind you, I only see my partner about 3 hours a day, and I find talking to him very precious. Not only because I want to check on him and see how active he was, but I think that it helps our relationship as we know what’s going on in each other’s lives, and we stop arguing about petty things. However, as I said, talking to him is particularly hard when he’s very low and instead of benefiting from it, it fires back. Last time I asked him how his day was he just told me off. He told me that I just wanted to check on him that he did the housework, because apparently I wouldn’t see it if he didn’t tell me! When I enquire why he never asks me about my day I just get the answer that he doesn’t want to know what I did at work. Thing is, loads of things happen at a workplace. I wouldn’t bore him with the stuff I’m working with, rather share litte anecdotes with him, and yes, I would expect him to listen to me and take part in the conversation and not just walk away as soon as I open the mouth. But, because he’s bipolar and very depressed it seems that he’s entitled to just walk away, expects me to listen to his anecdotes of the day etc, but not vice versa. And yes, this does my head in!
It makes you, the supporter, feel very low and useless, as well. So, how do you deal with this catch 22?
I also understand David’s side, trying to understand what the bipolar person has to go through, but in my situation it was me who got him the initial appt with the GP, psychiatrist etc, who took time off work to accompany him to his initial visits, who arranged a CPN for him. And I’m still the one who’s sorting out his meds, make sure he’s taking them regularly, that his script is right, organising his appointments etc. And all that I do alongside my full-time job, usually when he’s asleep. Otherwise, he complains that I never spend time with him. So really, he doesn’t have to worry about the organisational aspect of the disorder. It’s all down to me. He ‘just’ needs to sort himself out, which I know is already a lot of hard work. Oh, and yes I have to keep up the full-time job, which can be very stressful at times, simply because we don’t have anyone in the close environment that could support us in times of hardship and again it’s up to me to ensure that the flat is paid for, the bills are paid, food’s on the table, oh, and of course that his dependencies are paid for and that the cat is looked after.
Oh, there we are, another ‘conversation’ we have is that money is more important to me than our relationship. This ‘conversation’ is usually fuelled by him, because he just can’t seem to grasp how short of money we are and that his dependencies do put a big strain on our financial situation. And no, the CPN is not very helpful, rather thinks that my partner’s doing well. And no, we can’t just change his CPN/psychiatrist or GP.

So, what do I think about having conversations with a bipolar partner? It probably is a good thing when he can be bothered to have one. But if he doesn’t even want to let it become a routine, then I can’t help it either and I have to get used to the fact that I just live in a ‘shared flat’ arrangement with him. Only when he can understand how much this little routine means to me, we can have a proper relationship again. But currently, he just can’t see the benefits of having a conversation regularly.

Well Dave,
It would be nice to imagine my mate to have a doctor, a theripist, and good meds first. But, since he is without that, its not hard to imagine how he feels. I had to experience it everyday, because he thinks himself that he is ok and I’m the one that is causing all the problems he has. Now I’m in a divorce situation even though I’m not married to him. We have been together for a very long time. It’s the 3rd time in our life that it has esculated to this point. The first time, I didn’t understand bi-polar. The 2nd he manipulated me to believe he was going to get some help.
All through these years I have taken the time to educate myself on everything about bi-polar. Hoping for the chance to get him to a good doctor. He’s mostly manic so episodes of depression hardly ever came around or wasn’t very severe enough for him to decide for himself to go. So I decided that if he won’t do it for himself that maybe he loved me enough to do it for me. So I started talking about bi-polar and how its relating to the things that were happening in his life. He wouldn’t hear of it. As a supporter you can only beat your head against the wall so many times. He has informed me that he is never ever going, so I informed him that I was never ever coming back. Now he is trying to manipulate me with lies and deception. He has a business and I was his backbone. He did the physical and I did the paperwork. As far as I know everything is slowly falling apart for him. I feel bad refusing to do anything for him, but I know that it has to be this way. Even if he does find someone to fill my shoes, they will be subjected to his manic episodes. He can only cover it up for so long.
But I am managing and looking on the positive side. We all know the only time a supporter can get a person with bi-polar started on a good system to stay stable is when they are depressed. Theres just no talking to them when they are manic, especially when you are the closest one to them. So I will be there to pick up the pieces, but only after we are seeing a good doctor. If he continues to be succesful, that will be great to. It will feel like I’m on vacation for the rest of my life. No matter how you look at it everybody will win.

I just wanted to start by telling david thank you because he doesn’t have to do anything that he does for us but yet he does.. but I have to say that the husband is never going to fully understand what it is we go thru and al we can hope for is a lot of understanding, im bipolar and i still don’t really understand whats going on or who i am going to be in 5 mins much less tomorrow

OMG David this email was right on time. and definately on point. I truly understand where this man is coming from in regards to his wife and if you are a supporter and you are honest with yourself you have felt like he has before. It gets very frustrating and sometimes you are at wits end with the mood swings and you dont know which way is up and you are pulling your hair out. Dave put it in a perspective that we all can understand, you are so right put yourself in their shoes and I have tried and I couldnt imagine having to wake up daily not knowing how you are going to feel emotionally. I ask for them to also put themselves in our shoes for a minute, not knowing on a daily basis how you are going to be emotionally, how much we are going to have to take an let it roll off of our backs, not being able to do any activities because the mood isnt right. If we didnt love who we are supporting, we wouldnt be here. For all those that think that love will get us through it you are so WRONG! Love doent even take the edge off of what we go through sometimes. Everyday you feel like you have been in the ring with mike tyson, just beat up emotionally. So to the husband you spoke with, you are trying, going to support groups does say alot and those who dont understand walk in his shoes….

As the symptoms of bipolar are similar to the hormonal mood swings of a woman’s cycle or the menopause, I imagine it must be a bit like PMS only much worse. My boyfriend understands my menopausal moods better than most men (including my doctor) as they are similar to his bipolar moods. Most people know what depression is like, as we have all experienced variations of it at some time or another. Hypomania is probably a bit like being tipsy. Full mania is more difficult to imagine. My hormones have never been quite that far “up”. What I have observed from my boyfriend’s manic episode last year, hypomania can be fun, but mania certainly is not. During that episode he was in a lot of emotional pain. It took him nearly a whole year to fully recover.

DAVE, the man you spoke to needs to learn more about bipolar to try to understand his wife. If she is doing all the right things, taking her meds, etc. a supportive husband would help her to get stable.

I was recently diagnosed with bipolar and this email really states how I feel it. My husband just gets mad and upset with me, but he doesn’t really understand what it is like to walk in my shoes. He always tells me, “Come on Janaye, you don’t have to act like this.” But how does he know. How does he know how I feel?

Hey there Dave –
just responding your post about walking a mile in our supporter’s / spouses shoes…and I have done just that. It is hard for him to deal with me at times, I know what he goes through being my partner, my good days, my bad days.
He tries his hardest, but yeah gets impatient and frusterated, at times he does not understand my moods and tells me to get over it! but he tries. It is not easy for people to live with BP people at times, it is a very hard thing to do. I ask him to read about BP so he will understand what itis and why I act the way I do, the highs, the low’s, the in betweens, and it is helping alot better, but it is a tough road for them, for as much as we get mad at them, they have to deal with us to at times, and it is not easy at times. I have directed him to your site, and he reads a lot of things on here, and that has helped him understand as well!