Hi,
How are you doing today?
I just got back from the gym and was thinking about something.
You hear a lot about codependency.
There is even a 12 Step Program devoted to people who are codependent (CODA).
So naturally there is a lot of concern about codependency and bipolar disorder.
Some supporters worry if they are codependent or not. Some people who have bipolar disorder worry if they are codependent as well. But many people don’t even really know what codependency
is.
Since it is such a big subject, I talk about it in my courses/systems below:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
The question is, are you a codependent?
Then ask yourself, are you always feeling emotionally exhausted from trying to “fix” your loved one with bipolar disorder?
In a relationship where both people are emotionally healthy, both people try to meet each other’s
needs.
But in a relationship where one of the people has bipolar disorder, this just doesn’t happen.
The supporter ends up doing most of the work, going further to meet their loved one’s needs.
In a normal relationship, giving and receiving are balanced.
But do you feel as if this giving and receiving are balanced in your relationship with your loved one, or do you feel as if you are doing most of the giving, while they are doing most of the receiving?
There are some people who always seem to take on the role of being the “helper.”
They just seem to be drawn to people who have problems, people who are needy in some way.
These are people who give and give, hoping to get something in return (no matter what relationship they are in, not necessarily with someone who has bipolar disorder).
Look at your past.
Look at your other relationships.
Does this sound like you?
Then you may be a codependent.
People who have codependency issues try and try to save the other person…
Even sometimes at cost to their own health.
Have you found yourself suffering with your health: physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually?
It could be because you are being codependent.
This is a trap that is very easy to fall into with someone who has bipolar disorder.
They need you to be their supporter.
Then you are always there for them, meeting their needs.
Trying to help them, in any way you can.
But you usually can’t, so you try even harder.
That’s the codependent in you.
You need to understand that no matter how much or how hard you try, you will never be able to “fix” your loved one or their problems.
Their problems stem from the fact that they have bipolar disorder.
And you cannot fix bipolar disorder, because you cannot control it – it has no cure.
You also have no control over your loved one.
The only person you can change is yourself.
If you think you may be codependent, the first step is knowing it. Then you can do something about it.
You can change yourself, and you can change your behavior.
You can change your response to your loved one’s behavior.
Are you a codependent?
Only you can answer that for yourself.
David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
Dear David, I know that I am a codependant person and I have seeked help with this. I am a recovering alcoholic and I am currently enrolled in the AA program now for the last 3 years. I have learned from this program how to not be codependant. I attend meetings every day and I soak what they teach me like a sponge. I have learned to live life on life’s terms and I have tried to help my daughter with this bipolar disease. However, she has recently moved out of my house and I am coping with the feelings of that. But, thanks to you and your articles, and the help of my program, I am learning so much about this bipolar disorder.
I have realized that I cannot support my daughter and do for her what she really needs. I have to let her go and just let her know that I am here for her emotionally. I know that she knows she can come to me anytime she feels the need and talk to me.
It’s really hard to let go, but, I have done that. Thanks for your newsletter, it has helped me emmensely.
Donna
Wow. This was my first newsletter. It must have been meant just for me. I have turnd into a codependent person over the years of trying to care for a disabled, bipolar husband.
We are trying to handle his condition without mood stablizers….. just treating the anxiety and depression and with psycho therapy. For some reason, hearing this in therapy and reading it in black and white is quiet different.
Thanks for this eye opener.
YES DAVE YOU HAVE IT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD……
I was codependant. But not no more, may the parner has got
bipolor, and I am never going to change him. I was the one made to feel gilty all the time if things aint done or done there way, not no more I this woman aint putting up with it. The giving and reciving arnt balanced in my relationship if thats what you want to call it.And yes I do get emotionaly drained. burnt out I feel my self sying all the time.
Take Care Linda
It is natural for a caring person to get surrounded by people who “need” you. I am a nurse and at first loved the fact my boyfriend who has a mood disorder needed me so much. But after years of trying to hold our relationship together while he was totally out of control and acting like he didn’t even care how unhappy I was, I left. Many times mentally ill people have a dual diagnosis. Many are addicts and mentally ill, so there is the dual diagnosis. So not only do you have to deal with the mental illness, you deal with all the problems that come with drug and alcohol abuse. Unfortunately the only drug programs available are so short, less than a month, and hard to get into. Addicts need 6 months or more and constant guidance from outside professionals. It is too much for one person to be the only supporter.
After I left, he lost his house, his business, his truck, and school. He is now living with his grandmother and just got out of the county jail. All because he can not or will not find help for his mental illness and addictions.
David,
The link to this site did NOT appear after several attempts, so you know!
http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=BAVBt&m=pqZJsCRq3a9n&b=v3NXqv9ApKpB6KCot3Sq0Q
~Janet
p.s. I am confused about something. I have been reading about your BPD, because I have BPD, and the story of how your mother has it. You have a story that is basically the same but the symptom in the story is changed to Bipolar/BPD. Now I understand that both these symptoms go hand in hand, because I again have both these illness’s, but why is it not explained in both your stories and only in the one story about BPD?
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/aboutme.php >Just talks about bipolar disorder your mom has.
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/aboutme.shtml >Talks about both in one.
I have known my husband for 5 years and we just “celebrated” our 2 year anniversary. He was just diagnosed with Bipolarism in Jan of this year. It all now makes since…looking back at his behavior. I have never noticed any depression episode just impulsive, hyper, crazy behavior. He has cheated on me SEVERAL times…sometimes kissing girls right in front of me. He has drained our account numerous times. He doesn’t know when to stop drinking when he does drink. He snuck out of our hotel room in vegas while I was sleeping to keep gambling and then got mad at himself and left me in vegas.
I really want to help him, but I have a 7 year old daughter and I fear the following: he will cheat on me again, I will not be able to handle his bipolar disorder after all, my daughter will be effected by his behavior especially as she grows into her teenage years, that I will not trust him ever again, that IF we had children they would have a high chance of being bipolar.
I feel scared and lost. We have been separated since nov of 2008 and I have been happy. We have been working on getting back together and seeing a counselor. He is not the man I married. I feel like he has to figure out his own issues before we can begin to work on our relationship. I am scared of divorcing him because I don’t want him to feel alone and abandoned, I don’t want him to have more suicidal thoughts, my daughter, our bills and house.
Thought? Advise? Suggestions?
Thank you for this information about co-dependency. It is very helpful. I have a sister who has been diagnosed with different labels (depending on what doctor is doing the diagnosis) and there is a real danger of co-dependency. Mostly perhaps between psychiatry and psychiatric patient? One thing I would say though is that I believe I have been healed from what psychiatry calls bipolar and that is through my relationship with Jesus as a born-again Christian. I was born again in 1994 when my husband left me and, although it has been a long and difficult journey, I have been drug, nicotine and psychiatry free since the end of 1995. With every blessing to you all who suffer (whether as patient or carer) from this horrible disability.
Thank you so much for this article about co-dependency!
I have lived 18 years with my untreated bi-polar mother and myself, no brothers, no husband of my moms, just her and i. I have realized after having moved out for 1 year this June 2009 why I still cry at night when i am not with my mother. I always wondered whether I missed her( when i knew i needed a break) or if i was having separation issues or mayb it was me leaving her all ALONE. I now realize I am almost going through shock of not being a co-dependant person anymore. I feel SO GUILTY that I walked away from her to heal myself inside. She was a very abusive and enraged woman when i was a child as a result of her untreated BP that really… MESSED MY HEAD UP!…until I saw your website I thought her behaviour was off but had no idea it was BP, I almost wanted to believe it wasnt true. It KILLS ME INSIDE to see my mother suffer, however I have tried EVERYTHING in my power and beyond to make her day, even If i end up MISERABLE doing so. My mom takes meds and when she feels she is OK or normal she stops taking them. I’ve seen her destructiveness ruin every job, relationship with friends, family, boyfriends and ive been the ONLY ONE by her side. It is NOT SELFISH to remove youreself from the situation, it is HEALTHY, sooner or later a co dependant WILL drive themself to the ground. I now know I need to get some counselling to forever be non co-dependant, for I am with my fathers drug addiction as well.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ARTICLE AND YOUR TIME.
I was one of those kids who tried to commit suicide when i was young because seing my mothers bipolarness RUINED my childhood, my academic behavious, my jobs, i suffered severe depression and all of the above. I now know it is HEALTHY to stay a safe distance between loved ones with BP for my OWN health. to anyone reading this, remove youreself till they get help, or you may suffer from anxiety attacks as I did, it is SERIOUS danger being a co-dependant, because truly, when will one EVER give up helping someone they love.
I have just spent 20 minutes on typing up a comment for the blog. Then I tried to submit it and made a mistake with the squiggles (they aren’t always easy to figure out)and my comment is lost in cyberspace. That’s really annoying.
It was quite a long detailed comment and I have not got the time to repeat it in full. The gist of it is that I don’t know if I’m co-dependent or not. I have been involved with a good number of people with mental and emotional problems and seem to attract them. I wondered if, maybe more positively, I attract them, because I can help them – provided they allow me to. My ex-husband wouldn’t accept my (or anybody else’s) help. My boyfriend appreciates my help and his psych and others say I am very good for him.
As I look back on my Mom’s and my relationship, I see it as either EXTREME co-dependency, or a symbiotic relationship. After my first nervous breakdown in 1968, I had to return home to IL from D.C. to be “looked after” by my Mom. Same with my next two episodes, each time lasting more than a year. I had all 3 hospitalizations in my very vulnerable 20s, and have been episode-free since 1977.
I did not/could not learn maturity while living with my Mom. As a neighbor told me – “She treated you like you were a 3-year-old.” Looking back at her dominating behavior, I can see it. It was always, “Yes, Mother,” “No, Mother.” If we went shopping, it was always HER choice of what clothes to buy or even what groceries to buy. Also, she NEVER trusted my psychologist/therapist, and the one time they talked, she swore like a sailor over the phone at her. I came very close to slapping her that time. It was ALWAYS “her way or the highway.”
Even when I was married the first time, she would drop in on us – one time after we were in the bedroom, and I was not dressed – ANY time, feeling that was her right.
She developed Alzheimer’s while I was married, and she lived with my husband and me for 4 years and 2 moves. When I FINALLY put her in a nursing home – a VERY difficult decision – my husband and I had only 3 months as a couple before he died.
I had to grow up FAST, without my stern Mother’s direction. That’s why I call it a “symbiotic relationship” instead of co-dependency. In a symbiotic relationship, each individual FEEDS off of the other, in a VERY negative way. I DO miss my Mom, but now I am making my own choices and my own mistakes. It’s a learning process, and I’m 61 and STILL learning.
Don’t fall into the symbiotic relationship pit. It is VERY hard to get out of, and ultimately only a permanent closure will end it.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
Dear Dave et al,
My name is Lynn, and I’m a recovering alcoholic, and I also live w/Bipolar II Depression. But, the longer I’m in the Alanon Program, I’ve come to believe that my codependency even goes deeper. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 18, and in my adult life, I’ve been being treated, first for ‘major depression, clinical’, and now they’ve decided I’m bipolar cuz of some of my symptoms. Alanon is the ‘companion’ 12-Step Program for families and friends of alcoholics. @ Alanon mtgs., you will deal w/such codependent issues as B.A.I.T.: B.oundaries, A.bandonment, I.ntimacy,and T.rust. You will learn healthy boundary-setting and abt. detachment and letting go. If you think this might be you, try 4-6 DIFFERENT Alanon mtgs. b/4 you cement your decision. Ea. has a different flavor and tone. And usually, if you ‘think’ you might belong, you prolly DO. Best of luck on this part of your spiritual journey.
Looking back some 25 years-before I was diagnosed with major depression and Borderline-I was always my sole supporter. Yes, I had sisters that loved me, visited me and so-called friends that I could somewhat talk to. And I had co-workers that i would get drunk with and smoke pot with. But because I never knew the disorders that I really had, I didn’t even know that i should talk to therapists and psychiatrists and family about it. I was always drinking alcohol and getting drunk and crashing cars and getting fired and losing those short-lived friends. And not once did anybody think to suggest I had mental issues, and not once did anybody think to support me and get help. i just went on for years and years suffering and making my poor, innocent children suffer from my Borderline Personality disorder and from my acute alcoholism!! It was only until just last year that I stumbled across David Oliver and his websites that I learned about my disorders and what the roles of supporters should be! Like I said, I have and still am my sole supporter. Not even my past therapists diagnosed me with the disorders that I KNOW I have. Thank you very much David!!