I agreed with your idea that planning ahead is a good idea rather than trying to do five things at once. I am bipolar and it is easy to get caught doing that.

I was disturbed by the story, however. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 40. I am 54 now. I looked back at my previous relationships and realized they hadn’t worked because of my disorder. So I made the decision not to get into another relationship. (I have never been marred). Also, since bipolar disorder is a genetic disorder, why would you risk passing it on to someone else? And why marry someone you have to babysit? Maybe some people could make it work. I couldn’t. You would certainly have to have everything lined out perfectly and avoid as much stress as possible.

Dave, I love you and I appreciate all your advice and tips, that said-How about Susans HUSBAND making lunch and/or getting breakfast and/or doing carpool? All THIS and being a great supporter by keeping an eye on where her husband is with his meds, dr. appts and moods? How do we know what happened yesterday to make her forget gas and that it was her turn at carpool?
How about EVERYBODY sit down on Sunday night and make out a schedule for the week and not just have it Susans responsibility? Its hard enough being a working mom with a “normal” partner, let alone having a partner with a mental disease!
I know, you DO advocate everyone taking responsibility and having plans in place, etc, etc. Though alot of times it seems like MOST of the responsibility falls on the supporter and unless THEY take charge, nothing much gets accomplished. Thats very demanding especially when alot of men-mental problems or not-have a hard time when a women is basically in charge. SO, then the woman has to strategize HOW she is going to do that without diminishing her husband, get her plan done, take care of all she has to do AND still find time to nuture herself! Oh, yea and add sleep to that! Then DO it! AND have all those other “what if” plans in place ready to go. Good ideas in a “perfect world” but then we wouldn’t NEED all these plans!!
Again, Dave, I DO love and appreciate you and your emails! Thanks for letting me vent!!!

YES!!

Of course this adult male, husband and father needs to participate in his marriage and his family as the ADULT he is! If a caretaker deprives him the opportunity, then that “babysitter” is 50% responsible for the unhappiness that has befallen their relationship.

A caretaker makes choices as well. No one, NO ONE involved is at the mercy of the person who has the illness, the caretaker, or the illness itself.

If a “caretaker” wants to have an adult-adult marital relationship with a spouse, that person needs to adjust his or her own behavior so that their loved one no longer has a “babysitter,” but a wife.

I understand from what I read here that folks do become highly unstable, and that chaos can ensue. Still, both people are responsible for maintaining the marriage they want.

It’s ok to say you don’t want a babysitter, or a full time caretaker. It’s ok to back off and give a loved one space to rediscover his/her role as an adult.

The term codependency applies here. If a spouse chooses to be responsible for another adult human being, they need to keep in mind that this is a choice…if someone wants to work and worry and monitor and control at the expense of their own health, neither the illness nor the person who has it is responsible.

I do not believe that simply having a loved one who has bipolar disorder automatically makes the other person a caretaker. That is a job we consciously take on, and there is no one anywhere forcing us to babysit or to sacrifice our own well-being.

I am alarmed that I don’t see more information about the great majority of folks with bipolar who live independent, satisfying lives, and would cringe at the notion of having a caretaker, or in any way having their adulthood and autonomy taken away just because they have bipolar disorder.

There is nothing on anyone’s forehead, nor anything in medical literature that indicates bipolar disorder is typically so disabling that folks must give up autonomoy and resign to being monitored. It’s just not accurate if you look at stats about people with this condition as a whole population.

These comments and worries and all the pain reflected here is terrible, but don’t give up hope….there are so many possibilities. This kind of suffering is not typical as a baseline condition. What is now will not always be.

To Suzanne:

And thank you as well. I appreciate the validation!!

I keep coming back here, I keep reading, and, as long as I am able I will keep writing, not in order to negate anyone elses’ experience, but to balance it with a variety of input.

Indeed, even total independence in all areas of life does not in any way mean that symptoms go away. They are tempered by medical treatment and various other efforts we make in order to continue to heal.

I see healing not as expecting to be symptom-free (this IS a serious, chronic condtion – I cannot cure it). But I can heal.

The difference between a cure and the phenomenon of healing is that being cured indicates that by some medical breakthrough or magic bullet, all evidence of an illness goes away, and the former patient carries on as if the illness never affected him.

Healing, on the other hand, is an approach to living, and living well with an illness we know we cannot cure (at least not at this time, given current medical knowledge, etc).

It means to me that I remain aware of my symptoms. I accept without discontent the fact that I will always be affected to some extent by the illness. I remain aware of my symptoms not out of fear, or because I think someone else expects me to, or because I don’t want a caretaker. I am aware of symptoms and the potentials of this illness because this illness is part of my life, part of my being, regardless of what I might wish I could change.

Suppose it’s something like a child. Here is an irony. I mind my own symptoms, I remain aware of how they are affecting me. I know them well. I know what needs and deficits they suggest. I know them by name, and in fact, in my own way, perhaps I have named them.

Ex: “Oh, well this is the after-a-visit-with-the-inlaws” rumble. Sounds like I better go to bed early. Maybe I can try a relaxation exercise before bed, that usually helps you slow down your thoughts.”

And of course there are other triggers, other twinges, other things that suddenly feel off kilter. I know those too. Names. Habits. What quiets them. What makes them more disruptive.

So through the process of tenatiously keeping my role as an adult woman, daily I take responsibilty for my symptoms. It is my job to mind them. I take care of them. And so as I heal, I define MYSELF as the caretaker of bipolar disorder. I have a lot more information about the disorder than anyone who does not have it can possibly understand. This empowers me, it doesn’t make me dependent.

There were times, very early on, when I too experienced chaos. For me, the depressions were very trying. Symptom-driven behaviors did wreak havoc. I was fortunate in that neither I nor others were ever endangered. But I know what it is like to feel as if you are at the mercy of bipolar disorder.

Another related point I have been wanting to make is that bipolar disorder is a type of depression. Often people use “bipolar disorder,” and then “depression” suggesting these are two distinct mental illnesses.

It is important for me to clarify this, because there is quite a lot of information posted here in this blog regarding manic behavior, but comparatively very little about the depressive episodes that inevitably follow.

Medical literature distinguishes types of major depression by naming a consistent, serious episode of depression “unipolar depression.” Of course, “uni” indicates that what is often called “major depression” has one main symptom – that is, that the mood remains only on the low (sad) end of the mood disorder spectrum.

The “bipolar” diagnosis is also in the category of a mood disorder, and if you look it up in the DSMIV, you will see that the full clinical diagnosis is “Bipolar Depression.”

Of course, the “bi” indicates “two” and “polar” means extreme ends of the mood spectrum – the root of it also used in words like North and South “Pole.”

I know most people are already aware of this, but as I said, I want to reinforce it. A person who has bipolar disorder has a type of depression. Manic behavior does not suggest true happiness, elation, or lack of care. Mania is another manifestation of this type of depression. A person who is manic is not cured of depression. They are very symptomatic OF depression, which sometimes manifests on the opposite “pole” indicated by clinicians who aptly name it bipolar depression.

So bipolar depression is not interchangable with unipolar depression, but it is more closely related than is often supposed. Mania does not equal happiness, no matter how dramatically different it appears from the major depressive episodes that constitute 1/2 of this condition.

What I’m leading into here is that, from someone who has learned through bitter experience, your loved one is probably NOT having a great time, feeling fabulous, and enjoying a sense of freedom from guilt that inspires them to unleash all sorts of undesirable impulses upon you and to delight in the power they seem to have in making you suffer. Or, in feeling or trying to express misplaced affections –

A manic episode might well include some of those experiences, to some degree, but generally it is much more complex. Folks can feel tremendous fear, confusion and panic. It is NOT a good time.

People who are manic experience an INCREDIBLE and overwhelming sense of physical and emotional energy, for which there is no outlet. A professional once explained to me that it is as if someone slips you an overdose of cocaine. You didn’t take it. Your body, your own neurochemicals created it, gave it to you, and left you feeling like a motor was running in your chest for days.

Folks who have been through it before often see it coming, but by that time they probably have a limited capacity to intervene without medical help. Again, this is NOT fun.

I know I’ve wandered into several different subjects, but, first of all, as I said, I will continue to write about some other experiences of this disorder. I want to share some aspects that get little “air time” on this blog. Bipolar is depression. The depressive “pole” is CRITICAL to address, understand, and COMMUNCATE about. It matters that people suffer with depression, not only that we highlight obvious, disruptive behaviors that trouble everyone involved.

If the squeaky wheel (manic behavior) gets the grease, then the retreating, silent one (depressive symptoms) is the one I will write about, in addition.

Anyway, from my experience, all of these kinds of plans and regimines meant very little because they were not mine. They were imposed, and I was not considered as a person who had wants and needs and wishes. I resented following someone else’s program because it was an insult to my intelligence.

I put myself in an environment with supportive people (not “supporters” or “caregivers”), just people who were supportive of me, respectful of my dignity and my ability to manage my illness and my life.

To put it simply, no one likes to be bossed around. Ask someone who does not have bipolar disorder if they like being told what to do when they are an adult. Then ask someone who does have it. I don’t think you will get 2 different answers. It is human nature to desire autonomy. Bipolar doesn’t erase what’s human and common to all of us.

Create an environment where people are open, and free to talk about what relationshiip they want to have with bipolar disorder. Talk about, ideally, what your life would look like if you had your way, as the adult you are, to conduct yourself and pursue your own happiness.

Talk about the degree to which all relationships are negotiations of power, dynamics of increased and decreased need for nurturing. Not only the person who has bipolar disorder, but each person in the relationship.

Ex: “Do you WANT me to watch you take your meds every morning? Or, ideally, would you rather do that yourself? It would free you to sleep in a little. You’d find that you could do it without me. Or, maybe there are some advantages to things as they are. If so, maybe we can talk about those too.”

This is about human beings and how they decide they want their relationships to be. Know that before you feel oppressed and helpless because of someone else’s behavior.

Lastly, only in a VERY general way – and again speaking from my own experience, the types of very disturbing, abusive, violent, and chaotic dynamics reported here, to me suggest a problem at the medical level, at least as a starting point.

If you or your loved one have an ongoing lifestyle involving symptoms of such high severity, I would guess that medically/chemically there is something amiss – I have no illusions, as I said. It does not go away, but to have a baseline of things being at fever pitch like this…I would address it biologically first. If what you have isn’t working, persist.

I also know that when symptoms are acute like that, no plan for managing and maintaining stability is doable. If your leg is broken, you take care of it, you heal it medically first, THEN you go to physical therapy. Same logic applies. If you are that unstable, you really cannot make any plans YET. Go back to the doctor, and get the acute injury treated, THEN build up your strength.