Dear Dave,
Your daily e mails are so helpful and comforting to the supporters of bipolar! That’s why I feel such sympathy for you today. I wish you luck with your mother right now, and how kind of you to hang in there all this time with her. Please continue your fabulous work, you have found a calling and I hope that you are richly rewarded somehow. Love and good wishes.

Dear Dave, Our son has very serious problems- a lot of them financial and a lot social. He ruined our Christmas eve by picking a fight with his brother. They went home and every one else was upset. Yesterday he came over needing money fast. His union dues were so far in arrears that he had a day to pay them or lose his job. He also was short on his house payment. He has two jobless roommates. We helped him buy the house four years ago (big mistake – I pay $1200 a month plus its insurance and now we have his car insurance–our name is on the loan -who would give him one with his credit history? so we are obligated to keep his payments up). What I would like to ask is how to get him into treatment? He blows up everything. I gave him some cookies for his lunch and he got wild because they were a few days over expiration. I sent him a thank you note for his Christmas presents. They really were quite thoughtful and well chosen. I suggested that he might want to see someone for his ADHD (rather than say bipolar)and he was terribly offended. I have read the books of Kay Redfield Jamison and I want to know if there is any way to get someone into treatment without the police or a major event involved? I do have the ability to take the house away from him and have set up a special needs trust so that he can never get his hands on our money all at once. ThThanks for listening.ese seems so unloving. BUT I want to know how much tough love needs to be expended.

As a bipolar supporter i can see my boyfriend’s parent easily be manipulated by the bipolar. My bf is bipolar and is also very, very spoiled. I believe his parents give him everything to keep the peace. But it usually just only makes the situation worse. I have trouble sometimes seperating him from the bipolar. I am starting to notice when there are signs of mania and signs of depression. And i can see when he cycles from one to the other. And i know when i am talking to “the real” him. We are currently working on getting him well enough so he can attend a university this fall. He wants so badly to get a degree and be successful. However his bipolar seems to have really taken ahold of him last year.

David,

I know that during emergencies and a crisis people are stressed. I haven’t the fainest clue how the hell to fix anything. I do not have the aptitude to repair electronics and what not.

If I could just go out and buy what I needed when it broke down things would be heavenly.

However, my husband is a mr. fix it, jack of all trades and master of none. So naturally I go to him first. If he can’t fix it then I have to find an alternative. But guess who handles the finances? Yep, hubby!

So I am not so demanding that it has to be right now, but if it can’t be replaced within a few days or fixed in a few days my household would fall apart! We are a family of 6.

It would be interesting to know how others aren’t demanding when something is broken and needs to be fixed.

If my washer broke and it couldn’t be replaced within a weeks time I would have laundry in two rooms! That is a BP’s worst nightmare to be so overwhelmed that you will never catch up or know where the hell to begin!

I know you are very drained with all that you have in your life and the last thing you need is an emotional drainer nipping at your heels.

I love you and your family. I’ve grown fond of you all just from your emails. Know that you are all in my prayers.

I’m not so demanding that the world will fall apart. I am more like your nervous nelly, people are mean to me kind of BiPolar. I am wonderwoman taking on the worlds problems and defending the greater good. 😎

I am rarely if ever so ticked off that I want to take others with me, but in full blown mania it has regrettably happened.

Love you for all you do to help others learn and cope with BiPolar.

David, You know your family best of course, but are you being totally fair to your Dad? Not everyone may be as strong as you in being able to cope with a BP like your Mum in manic flight. It may be less strain on his emotional energy, less draining and less “painful” in the short-term to give way to her unreasonable demands. I know you’ve lived with her but he LIVES with her more than you. He can’t do the talk from miles away down a telephone. He has to face her to say “no”. Giving in may be what he feels he needs to do to get some peace and respite, at least in the short-term; and if you are living day to day, short-term is as far as you can look. He will get mad at you because he will think you’re good at understanding your Mum but, from his point of vuew, quite unable to understand HIM, to understand his weakness! (You’ve done a brilliant job in seeking to understand your Mum’s BP but have to spent anything like as much in trying to understand why your Dad handles, or mishandles, your Mum when she’s having an episode?)

Besides, is it fair to say your Mum’s BP is manipulating him or trying to manipulate you? The way you describe this manipulation suggests you mean “manipulation” in a devious way. Devious manipulation surely is the main tool of the Borderline Personality Disorder, isn’t it? Surely not of the BP? Isn’t it more likely that a BP in this mode would sincerely believe that their demand for attention and action is very reasonable. After all, they lose most, if not all, sense of what IS reasonable. Besides, if it’s the mania that speaking, they cannot help but want things done FAST! If they are not done fast, they become more and more and more and more frustrated … and THAT is when they can become dangerous. I’m only BP 2 but a few weeks ago, I had a hypo episode that went well over the line. If my doc had seen me I’d sure I’d been sent straight to hospital – “do not pass Go, do not collect $1,000!” (Ever played Monopoly?) I shan’t bore you/everyone with the full details of what happened that day, what wound me up even more on top of my already aggressive state of mania – the short version is this: A series of events happened that frustrated what I felt I wanted to do. With each frustration my anger and pent up aggression turned up ten notches. Eventually, I wanted to kill someone – anyone who gave me an excuse to do it. I wasn’t going to harm anyone being nice. I was spoiling for a fight with someone unreasonable, someone who might annoy or upset me. And I’d have done more than just fight to bruise – I’d have fought to finish them permanently. Just as well we ain’t allowed to own side arms in the UK, isn’t it! (Luckily, no one gave me that “excuse”.) (I have never before ever felt that way – never had a mania like that before and I hope I shan’t again … but I suppose it’s now likely since it’s happened once!)

My point is this: If you frustrate someone in a BP mania, it could get very dangerous. They don’t think they are being unreasonable to want what they want that you frustrate. So, they feel it very reasonable to batter out of the way that which IS blocking their way.

You have to try to see this from the BPs perspective to understand what’s happening and how best to react. Just being strict and saying “no” may seem to be way to “control” a situation for the carer, assuming they feel strong enough to say “no” – and that’s reasonable from a carer’s perspective – but there’s nothing reasonable about “no” for a BP in full flow! They may hit out And if they hit out, they’ll be prepared to take a risk e.g. hit hard, intending to hurt but quite prepared to risk the possibility of killing. Or, they may even be prepared to hit to kill anyway because their extremely high level of aggression puts them into “the red mist”, when anything becomes possible because any notion of what is reasonable behaviour is entirely clouded out.

“Just say NO” is not always the right answer.

Debra. I wish you “more strength to your elbow” in fighting against the BP in your daughter. Of course, it cannot be defeated; just persuaded to go to sleep for a while. When it wakes up, you have another fight on your hands. It breaks out in spite of the medication.

But David is want to say, there are many tools which will help keep the damned critter from waking up, or for persuading it back to sleep again. They probably work most of the time. But they won’t work all the time. Every so often, it will break through the defenses.

So, as much as you want to fight it, always put your own health (and safety) first. Sometimes that may mean letting it all happen because you have neither the strength or will to fight at that time. It may mean walking away entirely because you may become too emotionally exhausted to even sit by and watch. And another time, you may need to stay clear because it might even get dangerous to make a stand against it.

These things may not happen, but they might. David’s advice may help lessen the chances of it happening, but they could still happen anyway.

Be aware of this because, as any military officer will tell you, it’s sometimes wiser to withdraw than fight. Withdrawing is not a retreat. You withdraw to lick your wounds and re-group, to regain your strength! Then – with luck – you may be better able to tackle the BP the next time it wakes up and attacks.

To DAVE: Well, you were right about ONE thing – go to your OWN materials and look for the answers! From the beginning – when you were writing about your Mom’s “mini” bipolar episode, I KNEW it could progress into a “major” bipolar episode. Her calling AND calling about the computer is one BIG sign that “something” is wrong, very wrong.

Fortunately, tomorrow is Friday, and you CAN call her treatment team for answers that COULD help you at this point. Assuming you want to prevent your Mom from utterly destroying your dad – and you – now. She is incapable of recognizing that the Bipolar is “taking over,” and she is not able to “treat” it herself. Bring out your COMPASSION, as you show us bipolar survivors in your courses – this is your MOTHER you’re talking about – not some faceless, nameless person on your blog!

I don’t mean to be harsh – but you have to take the bull by the horns, in order to find that “stability” exit…

BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love them. Dave, I pray that you handle this wisely.

Debra ,
i really know what are you feelling right now . i´m in the same road , trying to cope with my daughter´s bp since april /07 , and instead she has a very good doctor , we continue to change meds , without find a real good association of them until now .
she starts with a antidepressive med , because we think she has adhd , and then she goes on a major manic episode , caused by the antidepressive med !it was a nightmare … it took months to calm down , and when it seems to …she went into a depressive episode .
and so we go… up and down , up and down …changing meds almost every week , with out get any betther.because of that , she left the college , and is doing nothing now ;except feeling more and more frustate .and so am i too .
but , what can we do ? just stay there , stand up , fighting alone , until we die.(i hope science find anything really good before that!)

Suzanne,

You are way too sweet for your own good! lol.

Here is a funny just for you:

What it Means, “Really”

“It’s really a good movie,” REALLY MEANS, “It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women.”

“You know how bad my memory is,” REALLY MEANS, “I remember the words to the theme song of “F Troop”, the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“I do help around the house,” REALLY MEANS, “I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket.”

“What did I do this time?” REALLY MEANS, “What did you catch me doing?”

“She’s one of the rabid feminists,” REALLY MEANS, “She refused to make my coffee.”

“I heard you,” REALLY MEANS, “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“You really look terrific in that outfit,” REALLY MEANS, “Please don’t try on another outfit. I’m starving.”

“I missed you,” REALLY MEANS, “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”

“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are,” REALLY MEANS, “No one will ever see us alive again.”

“We share the housework,” REALLY MEANS, “I make the messes. She cleans them up.”

“I don’t need to read the instructions,” REALLY MEANS, “I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help.”

You are always in my prayers for your wisdom and kindness are always greatly appreciated even if no one else tells you so!!

Hi Dave,

I hope everything is ok with your mother.

Julie. You understand me correctly.