Hi,
Have you ever read the book:
DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF
It’s a really good book, because it helps you to put things in perspective. And it’s especially good for people who are dealing with bipolar disorder because sometimes we make “mountains out of molehills,” when we eat, live, and breathe the disorder, and it’s all that occupies our minds (and our lives).
In this book, the author talks about all his stuff as “small stuff.” In other words, we’ve got better things to be worried about than the trivialities of life. Not to say that bipolar disorder is a triviality, I don’t mean that.
But it’s like how sometimes we get ourselves all worked up about things that, looking at them closer, really aren’t that big a deal. We focus on little problems and concerns and blow them all out of proportion.
For example, like being in traffic, and someone cuts you off, and you get angry. Now, how constructive is that anger? You can yell at the guy all you want, but he won’t be able to hear you!
You can try to convince yourself all you want that you’re justified in your anger, you can even hold onto that anger all day long, taking out the anger on everyone around you, but it still boils down to “sweating the small stuff.” And where does it get you, anyway?
Another thing is taking other people’s problems personally. When it comes to bipolar disorder it happens all the time.
I write in my courses/systems about NOT taking things personally when it comes to your loved one saying things to hurt you or yell at you:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
Other examples of “small stuff” in our lives are:
• Waiting in line
• Listening to criticism
• Feeling like life isn’t fair
• Feeling like we’re not appreciated
• Having to be right
I’m sure you can come up with many examples of “small stuff” in your own life.
The point is, you’ve got a great big elephant in your living room called bipolar disorder. And you can keep walking around it trying to ignore it, but that elephant will still be there, and you have to deal with it. No matter what you do, the elephant (bipolar disorder) will still be there. You can’t ignore it. So let’s say that bipolar disorder is “the big stuff.”
In comparison to the bipolar disorder, everything else should seem like “small stuff.”
You just need to put things in perspective. Start weighing things compared to the bipolar disorder.
Ask yourself, “Is this disagreement really important compared to the bigger picture of dealing with bipolar disorder?” Most of the time, you’ll probably find that things weigh in on the “small stuff” side rather than the “big stuff” side.
David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post Responses below
I do not see it as small stuff, when my wife has bipolar and we can not talk. She blames me for all the disagreements and has left 8 times in three and half yrs of marriage. Is that small stuff?
Her ego is that she recently said she has done nothing wrong and forgives me. My kids and I can not take this mood swing and her leaving all the time. By the way my kids are not hers. She see everyone elses faults and in a few months of leaving she might see somethings she has done. She lies about who she is, and will say someone said this or that about me. Which i found was not true. I do not see this as small stuff in a relationship.
Funny she can or has admitted she has bipolar, when I say it she gets very upset.She was on Cymbalta and that did not work and also she told me she no longer needs it. That I caused all the problems. Now she says I am a fake. I have a bad back, but according to her I faked it. When in fact she has gone with me to the Hospital when my back goes out. One of us does not see clearly, and I am tried of this fighting and not able to reason things out.
I agree that it’s important not to sweat the small stuff, but trying to get someone with a mood disorder to accept that idea is NOT so easy! Believe me, I’ve tried.
David and Carers of people with Bipolar,
I just want to say how true it is when a loved one seems to make a mountain out of a molehill so to speak, although my son has not been diagnosed with Bipolar he has been told by a professional that he has Adult ADHD. I have been told that they are quite similar, so much so I have just applied for your master course for supporters at the special offer, so I do hope it will assist me with many of the problems I have with him. But back to what I started to say, my son has the tendency to make so much out of an unimportant situation. For example his girls were laughing in the back seat of the car the other day, and they were getting a bit loud so he went off at them, not gently but really aggressively, it really wasn’t that much of a deal but he sure thought it was. Mean while his concentration went from the road to what was happening in the back, it was enough to worry me.
His anger at little things worries me, he just tends to over react too much.
I have an unrelated question for anyone reading this, does bipolar medication make you dopey or dozy? Why I ask this is that I know someone who was diagnosed with bipolar, and he went strange on his medication, so he went off it and not gone back to his doctor, he says he knows when he is going to have an episode so that is when he takes his medication and stops when he feels better, I am worried for my daughters well being as this is her boyfriend and they live together. Please help – PP
Hi, I’m responding to the article “Researchers find genetic link to psychiatric disorders risk”
I signed up for your newsletter because I’m trying to do research on bipolar disorder because my erratic behavior have been putting a strain on my life and relationships, especially my depressive episodes. To be honest I haven’t gone to a doctor to be officially diagnosed but that article really caught my attention. Please do not only reply to check a doctor because I will soon.
How do I tell the difference between normal stresses of the day and an episode?
Am I at risk? My grandmother struggled with epilepsy for most of her life, suffered from depression (not officially diagnosed), attempted suicide on many occasions and finally ended her life that way. We thought it was weird that she was supposedly smiling and happy on her death bed and claimed to have not felt the pain, I’m thinking now maybe she was in a manic episode.
Please do not read this where I poured my heart out and ignore me.
Reply soon.
Hi, I don’t know if my wife has bipolar – or depression – we have many blowups with her accusing me of being unfaithfull over the past 15 years of marriage (hasn’t happened in any shape or form). She has passed on her beliefs to all her friends and just about anyone she meets. I love her dearly and very much want to stay together.
Anyhow, when she goes off – she rants & raves very much in attack mode and is very often depressed/unmotivated with other times working very hard through the night etc to clean our home etc I know that I am in for a bad time if she stays up most of the night and definately when she calls her sister.
My biggest problem though – is that I think I am dealing with two people – my wife and her sister. Her sister seems to display many more (extreme) signs of depression or (bipolar?) – hates just about everything and is extremely jealous of our lifstyle compared to hers. She feeds my wife with her troubles, anger etc and virtually gets to the point of controlling my wife’s behaviours, speech, actions – which is then passed on to me.
My first thoughts were that my wife had a split personality (she can be really nice) – then turns into a different person altogether.
I do not know how to deal with this – especially after a long phone sessions between the two – it always ends up with a barbed attack on me, me defending myself and all round pain for a couple of days.
I can manage my wife’s mood swings – of her own – but really difficult to deal with two of them.
Any thoughts greatly appreciated.
I read the comments left here and just had to add my 2 cents worth. For Peter: I can empathize with your situation but it sounds like you do not have to live with your sister-in-law, which is a very good thing for you. In my house there is myself, my husband, and my 21 y/o daughter all with Bi-polar Disorder and sometimes we all have manic episodes at the same time. The last time it happened my husband called the Sheriff’s Dept to have my daughter taken away. They didn’t stay very long and got away from here basically as soon as they possible could. I had my mouth going and my husband’s mouth was going and I made my daughter stay in the bedroom. It was pure hell here and it ended with my daughter spending a couple of days in the Psych Ward at the hospital. My husband called the Sheriff dep’t because he was afraid my daughter (not his child) was going to hurt herself or commit suicide. We all take medication and most of the time we are all ok. So if you love your wife thank God you do not have to live with her sister as well. And if you have to get her help, Psychiatric help and she doesn’t agree then have her committed to Psych Ward the next time she goes off on you because it seems she is not a very stable person indicating that she may very well be Bi-polar. But the only way to be sure is to get her to a good Psychiatrist for an evaluation and a diagnosis as they are the only doctors who are qualified to do so. And you may have to go several psychiatrists to find a good one or you may get lucky and get a good one the 1st time. Good luck to you and your wife. You could probably use some counseling, as well, to help you deal with your wife’s illness.
I loved, loved, loved don’t sweat the small stuff. I’ve spent way too much time sweating small stuff and in the end it got me NOWHERE. I was constantly starting fights with my husband for no reason, getting mad when someone cut me off in traffic, etc. The thing is, I’ve realized it is what it is and I’m not wasting any energy on being angry. I know I can’t change the way the jerk is that cut me off, so I just wave, smile and forget it ever happened. I’ve learned to realize that if I let little things affect me that much I’m letting my disease control me. I refuse to let this control my life, my life is mine it doesn’t belong to bipolar disorder.
Hi…
I am new to the Blog but have been moderating on the forum. First of all I want to say to Jesus_says_Iam that I think you misunderstood what Dave was saying. He was saying that bipolar is the Big Stuff. It is a big deal that your wife has bipolar and is leaving you and calling you a faker. That is big stuff. She doesn’t seem too be medication compliant, and you didn’t mention if she is seeing a psychologist. I think it would be a good idea for you to find a psychologist that is trained in treating bipolar to help her, and maybe you could visit with her a few times to help her see your side of the relationship. Not that you need therapy, but that maybe the psychologist could help her see your side of the relationship. I have been in therapy an oodle of years and it has absolutely saved my life! No Doubt! You are right, that IS Big Stuff, and I think if you could get her to see a psychologist the psychologist may be able to get her to realize she needs to get to a psychiatrists and medication and could teach her how to manage the symptoms that remain. If she won’t go, a psychologist can help you to learn what to do in these situations. Psychologist are not just for people with mental problems, but help people deal with the kind of problems you are having with her as well. Please see what I wrote to Peter below in the following paragraph.
PP52, yes, when we first start taking medication it can make us sleepy, and sluggish, but it wears off if we take it long enough, usually 4-6 weeks I think, I’m not a dr. but that is what they told me and seemed to be true. The other thing is if the dr gave him a dose that was too strong for him, it would make him sluggish for the long term as well. He needs to go back to his dr and tell the dr that he is getting too sluggish and needs to be lowered or ask if it will wear off if he keeps taking it. Medication is an experimental process that we have to work with a dr through to find what works so we don’t end up going into episodes. I haven’t had a major episode in 4 years since I got all the right doses and right kinds of medications. So please implore him to see his dr and tell the dr how he feels.
Arly, yes you are at a greater risk because bipolar as many other illnesses do run in the genes. A normal stress is when you feel pressure, like you need to take a bubble bath to relax or put on some soothing music. An episode is when nothing on God’s green earth will calm you down, nothing will make you happy, it seems as if nothing will ever get better, and what is the use. If you feel hopeless, that is a sure sign of depression, but so is stress. That is a hard line to define, but if you are not feeling like it goes away when you relax, like the stressful thoughts just keep coming no matter what you do, that is a good sign it is not just circumstantial.
Peter, I don’t know if there is anyway you could get her to a dr. But I would recommend that you seek a psychologist out in order to deal with this situation. It is not that you have a problem, but you have someone who is being a problem and I can’t possibly answer all your questions here. A psychologist can help you to figure out what your options are and what you want to do in this situation. They can also give you some coping skills and things to say to her that will calm her down. From what you describe it does sound like bipolar which does mimic a personality change when we go from manic to depressed. We can appear as two different people. But I would suggest a psychologist because they are better equipped to help you figure out what to do and how to go about it… But like Helen said, a psychiatrist is the only one who can diagnose her as bipolar and get her help. I wish you the best…
May you all find the strength needed to deal with the Big Stuff,
and forget about the small stuff…
Bob
Arly, I am no expert at anything, but I know bi-polar from the inside. Get to a doctor, give this thing you feel a name. It’s earsier to get to know something (your enemy, best friend or self) if it has a name. Maybe you are bi-polar, maybe you have AADD, who knows. Once you do, take it one day at a time. Find out what eats at you, what drives you to distraction, what calms you down, what brings you to a good level. There are signs in the turbulence, you seem to be a self-aware guy, so you know when you’re going up, coming down and how fast it goes. The trick here is to recognise it and have a strategy to get yourself under control. Maybe a strategy, medication, and a support system. But most important, you need to know what you are dealing with.
Reading these stories is very interesting, I myself am learning how to deal with a family member, my daughter, that has been diagnosed with bi polar a few years ago and has refused to stay on medication, phychiatrict therapy…..until recently. She checked herself into another rehab and now has been diagnosed with dual bi polar and drug addiction. This was only 3 days after we got into the most extreme fight we had ever been in, the manic episode was bad, so extreme that the neighbors called the police and i was arrested on assault 4 charges. The next day after being released from jail i filed an epo on her & have since went to court on this issue which the judge ordered a complete
mental health assessment & recommended treatment to be supervised through the courts. It has been 3 wks and 5 days & I hope & pray she sticks with a program this time, the most she has ever stayed in a rehab program is about a wk & a 1/2. She is very angryat me now, you know the “Blame the other person syndrome”, i’ve seeked counseling now because of the pain, the fact that I can not fix the “Big Stuff” & for support to deal with the pressures, I still have pre-trial and a court date coming up for my assault 4 charge. Good luck to anyone having to deal with the “Big Stuff”!
I am 37 and have fought this battle since 15 without support and drugs. I’m so overwhelmed by the information and sometimes instead of helping it feels irrepairable.
Thank you for sharing me this holly topic, I like to see and if I have time to study, as I am a muslim.
Cheers
I am too supporting my 20 year old daughter with bi-polar. She has just been diagnosed recently. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. When she is mad, she hates the world. She agrees she has anger issues but no “real” problems.
I was diagnosed over a month ago and recently my boyfriend of a year left me due to my mood swings. I understand now but can’t get over the fat that there are so many uneducated people out there, as far as knowing what being bipolar is. I sent him many or your e-mails to help him understand that this is a monster, not me. But nevertheless, he left. I feel better now because he was so negative about me getting better. i know this will be a battle but i will win! Your e-mails and information has given me so much hope. Thank you! You are a godsend for someone like me.
Oh my goodness. We belive that my husband my be Bipolar. He is taking me on a emotional roller coaster ride. On minute he is UP the next DOWN. Am I wrong for thinking that he is totally crazy? I love him. We have been married for 9 years and have 2 children. I never know what he is going to do or say next. Like today for example, he wants me to forgive him for all that he has taken me through. He says that he is to blame for the problems in our marriage. You know the finances, arguments, etc. Then he tells me that he wants us to start over and to be happy. But within the next 3 hours he is blaming me, wants a divorce. And there is a lot more. I am so tired of dealing with this. He is draining me emotionally. At first I thought the problem was me.Until I went and talked to a therapist and let her know what was going on. I try hide my feeling around our children. My husband has told me that he feels tortured. He is not happy with anything or no one. Not even himself. He is always depressed and feels that life is unfair, but only to him. He told me that he feels that he may “snap”. Of course he has said more. I just do not know what else to do to help him. Does anyone have any advice?
My husband was diagnosed bipolar over 2 years ago. He never tood any kind of medication. We separated about 11 months ago, about a week ago he sked for a divorce, and I agreed to it. I feel that a lot of it is the disease talking and not him. But on the other hand I do love him, and it breaks my heart that our marriage is doomed. He still wants me in his life, he wants us to be friends, but that is a very hard pill to swallow, “I don’t love you but I want to be friends”. And to tell you the truth I am confused because I do miss my best friend but I hate my husband. An I do’t know how to combine the two. In one sense I want to cut all ties, and in another I don’t. I did finally convince him to go to a counselor, and he is been doing that, and I am proud of him for his actions. I know he needs space, I’ll be moving to Arizona mid july, he’ll stay inFL so space he is getting. He does not seem all gung ho about the divorce (filing for it) but I told him I need it, I can not stat a new life been married still to him, my vows are sacred.I can’t even think about srating a relationship while I am still married, I know it sounds old fashion, but that is the way I am, and on top of that I do love him. I guess I am rambling, thank you for letting me vent
I can not find a therapist. I have bi polar disorder but sometimes I feel everyone around me really needs the therapy. I was a delusional person at one time but the delusions are gone. I found my faith to hold on to but my family seems to think I will slip up again. I haven’t had an episode for over 15years. One doctor told me that I cured myself. That it is bonafide.
But living with my folks seem to make me feel like I am dragging and
they would like to pull me into there whirlwind of delusion. I do not have
an anwser for myself except I would like to live on my own but can not afford to and I may have other health issues that need to have clearance.
I feel stuck. I don’t like it. It is a very uncomfortable place.
My daughter was diagnosed when she was 17 the youngest person to be sectioned into the pshyciatric ward with bi-polar since then she has had another major episode which needed hospital and sectioning . in her words after medication she is a thin person in a fat persons body which really does get her down especially when she originally challenged the docs to weight gain in side affects info on leaflets and they said minimal weight gain!!!!
The most important thing to do when you suspect you have a mental disorder or someone you love does, is find the best psychiatrist you can. It may take a few tries. I’ve had many therapists and only two psychiatrists, but the one I’ve had for 20 years is the absolute greatest. Not only is he my doctor, but he’s been a good friend also. Doctors in our area send their patients to him because he is No. 1 in the area of administering medication to patients. We tried many coctails and sometimes it still is not perfect. However, I cannot imagine going without my medication. I’m Bipolar II, so I never had the incredible highs that some people crave if they are taking their medication. I have suffered mostly from extreme depression and had my first episode when I was 15. I’m 53 years old and back then, they didn’t know about all this stuff. I have a 17 year-old son who does not live with me, however, I worry about him constantly because he is very moody. Thanks for listening.
Help my daughter has bipholar and she will not let anyone help her. She is so beautiful,intelligent and I am her only support but it is driving me crazy not to be able to help her. She wants a job but cannot keep one. She is an great actor of theater/arts but cxannot keep work because of her bipholar. Please help me out there if you can,signing off going crazy!!!!
I spoke with my psychiatrist today. We discussed the fact that he is the first that diagnosed me as having Bipolar II. Up until now, for the past six years, the psychiatrists prior to him have diagnosed me with Major Depression. I realize that Bipolar II can include depression, but it is less intense as with Bipolar I. I am not sure if I have the ‘facts’ right.
I am having difficulty with the insurance company in getting Long Term Disability – there is a clause that states ‘no pre-existing conditions.’ I was treated for Major Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder prior to applying for Short Term and subsequently Long Term Disability. The doctor does not think I will be successful in winning my appeal, but I am trying to convince me in getting him to support me in this.
He is not really interested in helping me – he says that he wants me to find another psychiatrist who can see me more often than he can. He also said that I need more ‘intense therapy.’ So, I’ve agreed to look into a Community Mental Health Center.
It seems as though the psychiatrists want to dismiss patients requiring
more of their time than a session of writing prescriptions. The only problem with him was that he wanted to act as both therapist and manager of meds so he could collect twice from the insurance company. I was hoping it would work because the better a doctor knows his/her patient the better the doctor can diagnose the patient. But, he has very poor psychotherapy skills. We spent a 45-minute session of staring at each other today. Finally, he said, “Well, how do you want to spend the rest of the time remaining today?” I told him I wanted to leave…so I left his office, very, very frustrated.
It’s indeed a “Great” book, very useful, I keep reading it. I got the same for my sisters and friends too.
It helps to face the life challenges with less stress
I want to thank Dave for his emails and daily encouragement. I have bipolar and my youngest daughter was recently diagnosed with bipolar also. In my case and in hers also we are so glad we have answers to our situations. I have searched for Australian support blogs or groups online and so far I have not found one – so Dave you have been a saviour. I am in no position to buy your books but I have no doubt they’re very good because your emails contain so much good advice.