Hi,
How’s it going for you today?
I have a friend that is kind of like a young philosopher.
One day my friend said that one of his friends was “the most self-actualized persons he knows” (whatever that means) lol
So anyway, I was talking to my friend and he was telling me about the reality of many of the parents in his school system–more than 50% don’t really parent well.
He said that he has tried to explain to parents that they should not work in New York and drive 4 hours or more a day because the kids aren’t getting the kind of love, guidance and supervision they need and ultimately get into drugs and other bad things.
He said that parents yell at him and say things like, “How the heck am I going to pay for my big house if I don’t work in New York?”
NOTE-It’s common that many New York people moved to just over the borderline in Pennsylvania for big gigantic houses. This is super stupid but that’s another story. (NOTE-This area has one of the highest drug, gang, foreclosure and divorce rates in the United States…because people work in New York and live in PA).
So anyway, my friend tells these parents things like, “You made a mistake buying this house. It’s okay to make mistakes but now you have to make a choice, live in big house or downsize into a much smaller house and get a local job and spend time with your kids.”
He says that parents go crazy so to speak when they hear this and he says,
“Just because the message is negative doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”
I said to him, I deliver many a negative message to people dealing with bipolar and they get mad.
It’s true. Many of the things I teach in my courses/systems may seem negative to you when you read them at the time, but if you practice them, they will help you to achieve stability.
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One of these messages is about medication.
People with bipolar disorder would rather hear that they only have to be on medication temporarily, just until they feel better.
Then I come along and tell them they have to take it for the rest of their lives in order to stay stable.
It’s like that saying, “Don’t shoot the messenger!”
Remember, “Just because the message is negative, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”
In fact, in this case, it just might save your loved one’s life.
Or like I tell people with bipolar disorder that they have to have 8 hours of sleep a night, and some people don’t want to hear that.
They think that they should be able to have as much or as little sleep as they want.
But too much sleep can put you into a bipolar depressive episode, and too little sleep can lead to a bipolar manic episode.
Again, “Just because the message is negative, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”
In this case, the information could keep your loved one from going into an episode.
I tell your loved one that they need to go to see their doctor, psychiatrist and therapist as well, and they may not want to hear that.
They think it’s a negative message.
But without going to those appointments regularly, they won’t be stable.
And I tell them that they have to get a good doctor, that not all doctors are good.
That they definitely think is a negative message, because we’re brought up to believe that all doctors are good.
But I’ve heard from or talked to too many people with bipolar disorder and /or their supporters and I know different.
So you have to find a good doctor and you have to listen to them and do what they tell you to do in order to be stable.
So all these things are just examples of what could be taken as negative messages, but again, as the saying goes:
“Just because the message is negative, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”
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Post responses below
DAVE – I DON’T WANT THIS PUBLISHED BUT AM HAVING TROUBLE FINDING A PSYCHIATRIST IN THIS AREA THAT WILL ACCEPT TRICARE OR TRIWEST INSURANCE. HAD THE NAMES OF TWO FROM TRICARE BUT WHEN CALLED BOTH OF THE PSYCHIATRISTS WERE GONE ALREADY. I JUST KEEP TRYING HOWEVER. I WILL FIND ONE EVENTUALLY BUT GOOD OR BAD, I WILL NOT KNOW.
So now the jobs in NY have gone away and they are stuck with the big house in PA until foreclosure takes it. There never were any decent jobs in that area of PA.Not white collar ones anyway. That is the truth. Just like bipolar is bipolar and you need to take care of it. Thanks for the tip about sleeping too much.Will go roust him out of bed now.
To the untrained, how do yu distinuish between bipolar and plain old every day mental illness. I’m not a doctor and what do you call the guy that graduated last in his class in medical school? They still calll him Doctor. That being said how do I intervene without playing doctor.
Hi Dave:
You are so right! People don’t want to hear that they’re doing something the wrong way, it goes against human nature. 2 and 3 year olds are usually showing their independence by that age and “wanting” to do it themselves. And adult’s espescially don’t want to hear there may be a better way to do things, espescially if it means changing their style of living. I was in total denial of my Bipolarism for 1 year. I took my medications anyway, and there have been many adjustments along the way, because I felt so lousy, not bipolar episodes: but drugs that were making me gain weight, making me drowsy in class and at work. I was only getting about 5 hours of sleep at night,so another adjustment was made, now I sleep like a baby. I don’t want to be on all these medications. But I have to be or I won’t be stable. My depression was so deep, I never want to return there-my manic episode had a deep and lasting affect on my family. I don’t want to go there again either. Sooo… I had to adjust my lifestyle. Did I like it? No. Did I have to do it? Yes, for my own well-being and that of my family.
Teri
to do it themselves.
Hi David
I understand what you are saying about negative does not have to mean it is wrong. My daugher has only just been diagnosed and so this is all new to me. As a carer and supporter, I am trying hard to understand about the condition and treatments and how our family should deal with our daughter’s condition and our own emotions. I have been reading a lot about Lamitrogine which is the drug her psychiatrist wants her to try. She is resistant after having researched the drug. I also feel negative and worried about the statistics and negative information given about Lamitrogine especially about the possibility of it increasing suicidal thought and tendancy. So, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know it is important to take medication. I know that I have negative thoughts since much of what I have read is negative but at the same time know that medication goes hand in hand with therapy. The psychiatrist will advise. My daughter will decide. I cannot help being negative although taking this drug may have a postive effect. I am sure this is how many people feel about any of the drugs that they take as part of treatment for bipolar disorder or any medical condition for that matter. So, at the moment, negative is more negative than positive in my mind.
HI…
I agree that all neg messages dosent make it wrong.. But if your in a mood, that all depends on the type of mood your in and it could be took the wrong way if you see what a mean. Thats all folks a like to make it short and sweet.
Take Care Linda x
HI….
I think that not all negative messages dosnt mean its wrong. A think it depends on the type of mood that you are in, as well and how it is put across to you.
Take Care Linda x
Dear Dave: I do get a lot off my shoulders talking to you and having people that go thru what I do be able to read my thoughts and what goes on in my life. I saw my boyfrind yesterday at the mall I thought that would be a good place to meet and be safe around people. He was good he does take his meds yet he is still out there . I got to in conversation find out that 2 months ago he had sex with another girl and that broke my heart as I got him birthday gifts at the mall and im pregnate with his twins and to me when you love someone you have sex not just to lay down and do it so beleive me that broke my heart because he told me he wont give it to me until after the babys are born yet I wonder if thats a excuse. And where was I in his head when he was making love to another girl Im to him the girl that buys him things and has fun with. So today if he calls im letting him know its over and im moving on with my life I feel he degrated me and made me feel worthless to him and thats that over is good I need my heart to heal and be a mom. Thanks again Isabella
I totally agree with the article, negative messages don’t have to be wrong. It is of the utmost importamce they an individual take their medication. And yes there are some bad doctors our there and you need to search for the right one.
David,
It took a long time for me to get it. Now I take my meds religiously….Most Drs. will tell you that noone knows just what causes bipolar disorder.Medicals books mention childhood trauma(ive had a lot of that(time to move on)Ive been in the mental health field (on the inside of things of course) and Ive seen A-LOT. I can tell you tat adhd,bipolar,and some other “conditionds CAN be aggrivated by if not proved to be caused,by the people who rased us,alcoholism,for ex. peculiar behaviors,severe parental discord,abuse,sexual/physical,neglect,ect.the list is long. BUT, that does not mean we wallow.pick yourself up and move on,whats done is done..But these parents who have these big houses? Have a chance NOW to BE THERE for those they love..Once you have children they NOT YOU are the first priority! I know mine are in foster care…and they never want to speak to me again.Im hurting,but its mostly MY OWN fault.Angela
Hi Dave, I have been a supporter for 9 years now. My son went into a full blown episode shortly after his dad died. He was 11 years old. I did not know what was going on and it took us two years to finally get the correct help. We travel an hour and a half to UPMC Bipolar institute. Yes there are negative effects to the medication, but he is so much better for being on it. The doctor monitors blood levels regularly and medication doses have been changed many times, but my son is going to tech school and doing well. A far cry from when this first started. He has struggled with the eight hours of sleep and in this past year has hit on something that works for him. He now sleeps at two seperate times a day. After about 5 hours his sleep was beneficial anymore, and so now he sleeps from about 1 am to 6 am so that he can be up for school, and then in the late sfternoon, early evening he takes a nap of 3 or 4 hours. Yes this is unusual, but it works for him and the doctor is encouraged by the difference it has made in him. As you have statted before, what works for one does not work for another and each person has to find what is right for them. There is hope and it does get better, it is a matter of trial and error. No, the bipolar person is never the same after the first full blown episode, and I do miss the carefree fun person my son used to be, but it is what it is and my son is leading as normal a life as possible and will continue to do so. And to think, at one point I thought about getting him out of the house because of the effect he was having on his brothers and sister. I am so glad that I fought and perservered to get him the correct help. It does work out,it just takes time.
Dave, what can one do if a Bipolar thinks medication affects his creativity? No amount of persuasion’s going to change his views. Doesn’t want to see his dr, says he knows better, goes thru internet and books on side effects,says he knows how to control it, so it doesn’t become full blown. I don’t want to ‘go behind his back’.
dave i never knew how i could send you a email and it just went thru i just wanted to let you know that you are doing a great job most people dont understand what bipolar is. my family wonders why i sometimes my mouth goes a mile a minute and keep going from one room to the other and then just stand there dont know what i was doing and i just keep working on my house and not slept for 2 or 3 days and then i just crash and start crying like crazy and they all think its my medication that i am on to much but my therapist said they might have to change some medications because this just keeps happening about every other week oh well i was just rattley on well i will just stop just wanted to let you know that i look forward checking my email and there is name i just like hearing things you say and some jokes you say like about gps story i think that was good later debbie brown
Dave, you often write about bipolars getting enough sleep, or around 8-9 hrs. No more, no less. Our daughter, 4 months from a psychotic episode and now stable on meds, sleeps 12-13 hrs. After 10 years, she’s finally the wonderful person we raised. It can take up to 2 years to recover from an episode (acording to NAMI), and I think the sleep is helping her brain heal. Although it’s difficult for her to get up earlier than 9 a.m. (for hopefully future employment) she’s doing so well we hate to rock the boat. What’s your take?
Hi David,
I want to respond about the tip on loaning money.
I had a gentleman that I was dating back in the 90’s
at that time I had a few dollars saved. I was younger and was impressed that he was 7 yrs younger than I. I know I was stupid then. He talked me into paying a 25.00 dollar bill for him, little did I know at the time that he had a drinking problem and a drug problem.
When I found out a few things about him I started stearing clear of him. I never saw the 25.00 and later found out that he was killed in a car reck. So I will never ever see the 25.00. But I never ever loaned any money nor ever borrowed. At times I have only had as much as 5 cents on me but somehow always made my way honest.
I have 2 stupid kids, they loaned 4 million to a building firm here in florida, now that the economy is in bad shape this firm is telling them that they are unable to get any loans because of the construction business has been in such a bad shape. I hope they learned a lesson I only lost 25.00 not 4 mil. Thats why I don’t like someone else handling my person business!!!
Carol
To CAROL: You “only” lost $25; I met a “con man” (though I didn’t know it at the time), a month after my husband died. He was able to take me “over the moon” sexually, when I hadn’t had an orgasm with either my first OR my second husband (a period of time of 20 years!). I refinanced my house, and loaned him – $25,000!! We had a legal note and everything. This was back in 2004, and he hasn’t paid me back a DIME.
I am currently suing him in the amount of $33,000 (principal and interest accrued), and I REALLY NEED the money. At the time I loaned the money to him, I owned my own apartment house, and had refinanced for $200,000, so thought he could pay back the $25K quickly and easily (he owned his own computer repair business). Boy, was I the FOOL.
Now that I’m on the brink of losing my condo, I don’t lend money to ANYONE; if they can’t earn it or just stay away from me, then I keep a tight clutch on my wallet.
I’m sorry your friend died without paying back the loan, but, sweetheart, you are NOT alone…