What about the promises the BPer makes and never keeps?

Your articles have been most helpful, David. My daughter-in-law is bipolar, I just found that out. She had a very bad episode last weekend and I witnessed what she is like during these episodes. They have been married for nine years and I never knew she had this problem. When I saw her last weekend she was like someone I hardly knew. That is why I looked for some info at your site because I want to understand it a little better. Will she be okay as long as she is taking her meds? I think she had this episode even though she was on meds, does that usually happen? That is the part that frightens me.
I cannot subscribe right now, but I will recommend your site to my son, who is much more directly involved than I am.
Thank you for your help and best wishes for your website. It must be of enormous help to some people!

Dear David;
Thank you so much for your info.. I honestly am finding your information the best tool yet. I am a RN but unfortunately I hate mental heath and I perfered trauma and stayed completely out of mental health all together.. Now I have a daughter with Bipolar. She is no compliant with meds and further more she doesn’t agree with the diagnosis.. So this is a struggle itself.. I honestly believe the “broken promises” are another form of stimuli that can trigger more of an episode.. I have gone back on my word and have taken punches, name calling and further more distruction of my home just because I went back on my word.. And she was in a manic phase and I didn’t even reconize it..
I just want to thank you for sharing your knowledge with everyone, because every case is so different and yet so simular in so many ways.
Thank you again,
Krista

Dave thank you for all the emails you send me they are very helpful to me.

Dear Dave , I am having a real hard time these days dealing with my boyfriend which is bipoler and im border line bipoler. Im very strong willed, but its getting very hard to deal with. Your news letters help me in a lot of ways some times , so thank you very much . Cheryl

Dear Dave and all,

I almost started crying when I read today’s email. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I have been so encouraged by your emails! But you see, I did that; I begged my husband to make that unkeepable promise. When I overdosed, he didn’t take me to the hospital, he caught it in tim and told the doctors it was accidental. Actually, I don’t remember doing it but then I don’t remember a lot of things that happen.
I got the bipolar diagnosis a few years ago and I do that self-injury thing. Two years ago I had a complete psychotic break. I probably should have gone into the hospital then. In fact, my psychiatrist wanted to put me in even though he wasn’t thrilled with that psych unit but I wasn’t eating or drinking because I said the drinks all tasted like blood and I was so paranoid that I thought I was being poisoned. I didn’t recognize my husband and thought I was at home and still a kid. My guide dog Isaac has a soft coat but to me when I patted him, I thought he was Rascal, the first pet dog that I’d lost when I was three or four because a truck ran over him. Finally, my husband got through to me that if I didn’t eat something, anything, by Friday, I would have to go to the hospital and get I.V. fluids and nutrients. I yelled and screamed at him that he’d promised me I’d never have to go to the psych hospital again. It was true. He had made the promise and I was putting him between a rock and a hard place. Fortunately, he told me that on a Tuesday and sometime before Friday I had started to drink. This is kind of funny but the first thing I wanted was “chocolate tea”. Still in a childlike state, I guess I took the two things I liked most, hot tea and hot chocolate and combined them. So that’s what my husband did. He made tea and put chocolate syrup in it.

I am so grateful to my husband! I wish he would get Dave’s supporter course or at least find another supporter or go to a therapist or something. I have a wonderful therapist. But I didn’t back then.

A month or so ago, after a really high energy time, not an episode but a really stressful time, I plunged back down into the deep hole of despair and depression, planning suicide, engaging in self-injuring behaviors. I agreed, with strong encouragement from my pastor, to get into an outpatient program. Now I go to that five days a week and, in addition to my therapist there, the doctor and the group sessions, (not to mention lunch) I feel safe there and I have even made a couple of friends. One of them, newly diagnosed bipolar, is going with me to a support group Monday night. It is the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. We’re both a little worried because we’ve both been to some support groups that were really negative but we decided we’d try it and if it was that bad we’d leave in the middle. If it is a good group, maybe we can get some of Dave’s materials, like the new guide for bipolar survivors or the booklets.
But after I started going to the outpatient program they diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder as well. I didn’t think you could have both. I know there are differences. So I’m now wondering how someone can tell if a person is in a bipolar episode or is exhibiting traits of borderline personality.
Another girl in the outpatient program and I have become friends. She’s borderline and has had the diagnosis since 1988 and she agrees with it. I’m not sure. Getting a new diagnosis is always hard. Sometimes it’s partly a relief if it explains some of the symptoms you’ve been having and if there are treatment options and if you have a good doctor and therapist. It’s important to be able to have a doctor and therapist that you can trust. But it’s hard to trust doctors and hospital staff when you’re in an episode.

I’d also like to address the lying that goes on sometimes with bipolar disorder, sometimes with borderline (BPD) and sometimes with other dissociative disorders, which I have. There are lots of times when I’m in an episode or when I’m dissociating, that I truly do not remember telling a lie. Then if my husband confronts me I get angry because I think he’s the one who’s remembering it wrong and then I say hurtful things like telling him he thinks he always has to be right and he doesn’t trust me and all that. When I’m in a clearer state of mind, I can understand that, for whatever reason, lies have been told. However, they were not intentional. They were told during a time when I was not functioning well enough. Sometimes they were perceived as true by me but maybe they were because of paranoia or other factors. Generally, I am a very honest person and it hurts me that I lie during episodes and don’t remember doing it and that I asked my husband to make what may very well be an unkeepable promise. But I’m so scared of going in the hospital again. If you don’t have good insurance around here, you could get put in the state hospital and that place is awful! But even with insurance, private hospitals or psych units in hospitals cost a lot, even if it’s just the co-pays. But I don’t think any hospital (with one possible exception) that treats physical illnesses that are not mental illnesses, could be as bad as state mental hospitals which, regrettably, do exist and are often the only options for some people. They are short-staffed all the time, their methods of restraint are somewhat questionable, the food is cold, and on and on. The worst thing is when you are treated with less than human dignity. Still, I have to admit that there are times when hospitalization is necessary and I liked the comment that was made on this blog about making the statement more positive, saying the hospital would be the last resort rather than forcing my husband to commit to a promise he might not be able to keep. Sometimes, even when you’re on meds, you can go into an episode. Maybe the meds need to be changed or the dosage needs to be changed. Maybe someone has gone off meds because they felt so good they didn’t think they needed them anymore. I’ve done that but not recently because I’ve seen how it affects people.. I had a friend who had bipolar and went off his meds because someone told him St. John’s Wurt would take care of his depression. He didn’t go into an episode for two years but when he did, he killed himself. It’s hard being on meds. I’m on one now that can make some people, including me, gain weight. I hate that because before I went on it I was losing weight. Sometimes it’s a trade-off. There are unpleasant side effects. Sometimes I feel numbed out, dull, less creative, more detached and I don’t have those long periods where I’m getting a lot done and not needing to sleep for days. But though it sometimes can feel good to be manic, for me I get into mixed states and rapid cycle and it’s not much fun and then, either because of the borderline behaviors or the bipolar, I start getting into the impulsive behaviors, bingue eating, self harm, etc. I know I might go into an episode and it might not be my fault because I’ve been sticking to my treatment plan. The reason I went into the outpatient program in the first place was becasue I knew I was sliding down into a depressive episode. I’m gladd I saw it coming and was able, to a large extent, to lessen the severity. I had to have meds changed again and now I’m on one that makes me feel foggy most of the time. Even writing (which I normally love to do) is a strain.
But, I don’t want the bipolar to win. I hate to lose so I keep fighting. Sometimes I lose a battle but I don’t intend to lose the war. A week from Monday my friend and I are going to a borderline personality support group. It will be hard because it’s on the grounds of the state hospital. I mean, couldn’t they have picked a more neutral venue? But then again, they got this one for free. Anyway, I’ve never been to a support group for borderlines so it should be interesting, but I think it could potentially be volatile given the unpredictable behavior of us borderlines, so it’s a little scary.

Well, I’ve rambled enough. But I hope my experiences can help someone to understand, from a bipolar/borderline/ptsd/anxiety and panic disorder, social anxiety, etc. survivor, (oh yeah, and I never know which personality is out when I dissociate and don’t remember things because I also have dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality disorder, and a couple of other personality problems like dependent personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder. I’ve gotten so many diagnoses from so many doctors, hospitals and therapists that I don’t know for sure what’s true anymore. But I do know that I haven’t lied in this response and I hope that maybe some supporters will understand that, at least in my case and in many cases of people I know with different mental illnesses, that most of the time, especially in an episode, the lying is not intentional. Sometimes the lies can be delusions. I was in the hospital one time with a woman who told me all about her college experiences. When her mother came to visit and I said her daughter had done really well graduating from college with such high grades, the mother told me the daughter hadn’t graduated from high school. But while she was in the episode, she really did believe what she was saying. I think they call it delusions of grandeur.

Thank you, Dave, and the rest of you, for reading.

Laura

Dear Dave:
WONDERFUL e-mail today!! I am Bipolar I, and like everyone else, I surely don’t want to be in the hospital EVER again. I don’t have as much problem with manic episodes (have only had 2 my whole life), but I do struggle with very severe depressive episodes. I take my meds, I work with my therapist, and hopefully I won’t have to be in the hospital again. But there have been times when I have known, myself, that I was in danger of suicide, and had myself admitted. However, if my thinking ever becomes so distorted and I am in real danger because I have gone past the stage of suicidal ideation onto suicide intent, and am unable to make the decision to keep myself safe on my own, I would never blame anyone who loved me (or my Dr. or therapist) if they committed me involuntarily… Once I’m dead, all bets are off, and I know that depression doesn’t last forever (though sometimes it feels to me like it does). Bipolar disorder distorts the thinking, I know, and sometimes someone else may have to step in and make the correct decision when I can’t. I hope that if it ever does get that bad again I’ll have the insight to protect myself, but if not, I would actually thank the person who saved my life when my thinking has become more clear again… That’s why I’ve done what YOU taught me to do; I’ve signed release of info consent forms so that my boyfriend can talk to my therapist or Dr., and my therapist and Dr. can share information with each other. I know it’s necessary for my safety.

TO PATRICIA ANDREWS:
I read your blog entry, and my heart just aches for you… I’m just wondering – who has the bipolar disorder, you or your daughter? In my case, it’s me… But I can so relate to your grief and sense of loss as a mother… I have 2 grown sons who are doing very well, which makes me feel good, but we don’t have the relationship I yearn to have with each of them. I know that some of it has to do with the fact that it’s not easy growing up with a mother who has bipolar disorder, but I also know that I was a VERY good mother, and we were close. Then, just as for you, an outside influence began to tell them lies about me and spew all kinds of hatred towards me (in my case it is their father, my ex-husband). Unfortunately there’s not a thing in the world I can do about what he says or does, and have little power over how my sons react to this evil behavior. HOWEVER… I have found that if I get a handle on MY behavior and the things that I say, I have a chance of forming a better relationship with them again. I didn’t know how to go about this, and was doing and saying a lot of the wrong things – further alienating them (especially my youngest son). That’s where my therapist came in –
she actually told me what to say and what NOT to say, in e-mails and in conversations. She explained to me WHY I had to do and say things in a certain way, and by now I’ve gained a sense for how to act more appropriately. It’s a very slow process, but there is definite improvement in my relationship with both sons (one of whom I didn’t speak to or get an e-mail from for 9 months – I was SO distraught!!). So, what I’m saying to you is that I’ve learned that, unfair and dispicable as some people are, there’s nothing at all I can do to stop them from trying to destroy my relationship with my children. The ONLY thing I can do is not act desperate, not act “crazy”, casually let my children know that I’m doing well and living a “normal” life (which I try to do). If you don’t have a therapist, I strongly suggest that you get one – you can only work on YOU.
If you do have a therapist, set a goal with him/her to try to improve your relationship with your daughter, and set a strategy with specific behaviors that may get you to that goal. You may have to wait a long time, and, unfortunately, there are no guarantees it will succeed because there are factors outside of your control. But I have learned that is the ONLY way…
Please know that I really feel your pain, and I wish you the very best of luck. God Bless – Sue

I only ever make a promise when I am 99% sure that I can keep it. e.g. each time I got married (2x) I was 99% sure it was going to last forever, or I would not have made that promise.

I had promised my boyfriend not to get him into the psych ward, but when I made that promise I had no idea how extreme a manic episode could get. I sort of just kept my promise, as in the end it was my neighbour who called the police when everything got out of hand. They arrived with the doctors and nurses, who had been looking for him everywhere because he missed all his appointments. The police obviously knew who he was from my neighbour’s description. However, another day of ever increasing mania and I would have totally broken my promise.

My boyfriend now promised to do his best not to have that sort of episode again and stay on his meds. Provided the meds work and he stays clear of stress (easier said than done under current circumstances where certain people drive him to the limit – won’t go into details here), this should be possible. I have made it clear that should he stop taking his meds again and have another wild manic episode I will immediately call the doctors. Right now he agrees that hospitalisation was the right thing to do at the time.

As for telling lies, that also seems to be a symptom of bipolar disorder. It’s the bipolar demon which tells lies, not the person. It says “I don’t need help! There’s nothing wrong with me,” when s/he screams inwardly “Help!” Also, they will often lie to you to protect you from the bipolar demon.

I am now very cautious to ask someone of ‘trust’ to hold anything in confidence or make a promise they say they will not break. I trusted a very close family member and it turned out that everything that I told her was used against me. She harmed me very badly. She claims she was trying to help me, but knows she hurt me. I have begged and pleaded with her to ‘make right’ what she did to harm me, and she refuses, stating she only ‘tried to help me.’ It makes no sense. She has hurt me, intentionally. I can never trust again. I feel as though she is laughing at me and the very personal things I shared with her. I can’t even express how much my cousin, Heidi betrayed me and how much I want to just give up, knowing that I relied on trusting her and she wounded me, and it was so very, very intentional. I have told her the consequences of her actions, and all she says is “sorry for your troubles.” She is not at all sorry because she is the one that CAUSED my troubles. She is still laughing, it is unbelievable someone who claims to be a kind person would do anything like that to hurt her cousin and her own disabled aunt. Monday is her birthday. I am thinking about why she did this to me. I am at a loss, and can’t at all find the humor of it all. I do wish her a happy birthday and I don’t want to feel anger or hate toward her. I only hate and am agry at what she did, and want to know why she would do something so awful. I am hurt that I put so much confidence and trust in her and she let me down.

So, my advice is to be careful with trust and be careful what you tell to whom. Sometimes the ones you think you can confide in most are the ones that will turn on you.

The only promise I ever make to my bipolar partner is that he can trust me and I will always do whatever it takes to keep him safe and well. He knows that, even though it might not seem like it at the time (if he’s in a confused state or not being rational), I will do what is best for him and us and I will never lie to him.

hey its me angie, would not eating from day to day and smoking mariwanna ha i cant spell right now… and eating my nails and skin and having the odd drink constitute self mutalation or just bad nerves and not interested in eating. angie

I enjoyed the article . I do agree that going to the hospital should be the last resort ,however, I understand that sometimes it’s necessary . My meds seem to be working. On occasion I have forgotten to take them but get right back on track. The toughest part of this illness is that you really don’t want to bother people with your trivialities. The dissociation and lack of emotional responses are strange to most people so you have to be careful. I would hope that a loved one would be able to recognize the onset episode before any negative events occurred.
Thanks so much!
JulieB