Hi,
How’s it going for you today?
Today I want to talk about CHANGE.
There’s this sort of anecdote that talks about how a woman married a man for who he was, then immediately started changing him into who she wanted him to be.
Then she wasn’t happy, because he was no longer the man she married!
It’s supposed to be funny, but there is a ring of truth in it.
As a supporter, you are many things to your loved one.
You wear many hats, so to speak.
So it’s important that you keep your sense of identity because of it.
You have to stay fundamentally “you,” or you may fall into the
CHANGE TRAP
Many supporters with loved ones who have bipolar disorder do fall into this trap.
In my courses/systems, I talk about change, and what is good change and what is bad change:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
The Change Trap is when you are so frustrated with your loved one and their bipolar disorder, specifically when your loved one is not well, that you try to change yourself to change the situation.
But the trap has you believing that by your changing, your loved one will get better, which is NOT true.
There’s a difference between changing to adapt to a situation (i.e., learning to adapt) and actually trying to change yourself to change the situation.
When it comes to bipolar disorder, you cannot change the disorder. It is what it is.
When it comes to your loved one, you cannot change them. They are who and what they are.
It’s like the Serenity Prayer:
Lord, grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference
Yes, you have control over yourself.
Yes, you have the power to change yourself.
But the other things you can’t change, no matter how hard you try.
See, there is good change and there is bad change.
Good change is when being a supporter to a loved one with bipolar disorder brings out the caretaker in you, and you become a super supporter.
Bad change is changing yourself to try to change the bipolar disorder.
The change trap might also cause you to change yourself to try to prevent a situation (like trying to prevent episodes, which are going to happen anyway).
This can come from past episodes, where you may have thought, “If only I were more attentive [understanding, supportive, a better listener, etc.], my loved one wouldn’t have gone into this episode.
Then you start overcompensating by being overly-attentive, etc.
Bad change is letting guilt cause you to change yourself.
Changing yourself might cause problems in your relationship as well – Like in that anecdote.
Your loved one accepts you for who you are.
They do not expect you to be someone you’re not.
If you change too much (even though your motive is to please your loved one), they may feel that you’ve become a stranger to them, and then you may have problems with the relationship in general, and communication specifically.
Your loved one may feel that they can no longer talk to you or open up to you, which can cause further problems.
You need to stay fundamentally YOU.
You can change to adapt to the situation (good change), but not change who you are (bad change).
What do you think of this idea?
Do you think there is such a thing as good and bad change?
Post responses below
I first would like to say how much this has helped my son and I survive. I have kept my sanity due to these e-mails. He is now 17 and he needs to get a job but he can’t. He doen’t go into stores, restarants, etc. He doen’t meet or really talk to people. He can, if he needs something that he understands, he went and had a stero system put in his car, he talked to the man extremly well. But if he doesn’t know anything he will not go in and talk. I have tried going in with him also sent one of his friends in with him but he just clams up and stands there. Due to this and other problems he is home schooled. Any information you can give me on this situation would be greatly appricated. Thank you, Connie
As a bipolar supporter and a psych nurse, i am very familiar with the desire to defuse an episode.in this critical moment of when you choose HOW to defuse the situation the option to “change” the direction of the conversation, or ” change” your reaction to it can both be GOOD changes. However, I have felt as a supporter the onset of “change” in relation to who I am and new tendencies to be overly sensitive, or “walk on eggshells” so to speak. And you are correct, when you state that your loved one will acknowledge this and resent it. Because they see you change in a negative light often due to their behavior. Not only are they then more sensitive to your reactions, but you are now sensitive to weather or not your reactions are appropriate. Very confusing, and often times cause for an episode to erupt, or get worse.
Knowing how you and your loved one can communicate through an episode,while remaining true to yourself, is key to overcoming bad changes.
OMG
Sherie,
Thank you for offering to show me a mirror, but I don’t really like looking at the reflection.
I congratulate you in helping that young man. I am happy that you and he have developed a loving relationship. I wish you the best.
Right now, I don’t need a psych nurse telling me about mental illness. Unless, of course, you have a cure for terminal cancer, I don’t think you can help me. Thank you for your thoughts, though.
Dear Dave,
I must correct you. The correct wording of the Serenity Prayer is: ‘GOD, grant me…’, NOT ‘Lord, grant me…’ This leaves the door open for one to define God as they understand God. Many wouldn’t have come to recovery, w/out this adjustment. So if you’re gonna quote the prayer, pls. quote it correctly. Thanks, Lynn, recovering alcoholic, grateful to be sober TODAY.
Hello David…
God Bless!
Thank you for all that you do for so very many people. Once again, I find myself commenting that this is one of the best messages you have shared with all of us supporters! Special thanks! Makes sense! We all need to look in a mirror… and walk in the light at all times. My heart aches for those that walk in the darkness blaming their walk on their disorders. May all of us supporters keep love and faith above all. And may we have the wisdom to look in the mirror and the strength to remain ‘who WE are’ in the midst of what can seem like walking through hell.
Thank you for your words of wisdom! Thank you for making a difference David!