Hi,
I hope you’re doing ok today.
You know, as a child you are completely dependent on your parents for everything.
They provide for all your needs.
But then you grow up, and you are no longer dependent on them.
That’s what growing up is – Becoming independent.
But one problem that supporters of loved ones with bipolar disorder tell me they have is that their loved one is too dependent on them.
But it may be their own fault, if they are solving all their loved one’s problems for them, or making things easy on them.
This may even be a sign of codependency, which is one of the things I talk about in my courses/systems:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
Having your loved one be too dependent on you is something you do NOT want.
But here’s some surefire ways to make them dependent on you:
1. Give them their medication
2. Take them to all their doctor,
psychiatrist and therapist visits.
3. Tell them when to go to bed
and when to wake up.
4. Make all their meals and snacks.
5. Make a To-Do List for them and
then help them complete the tasks
or do them yourself.
6. Handle ALL the finances yourself,
without them knowing anything
about them, even when they are
NOT in an episode.
7. Force them to exercise.
8. Drive them everywhere they need
to go, even if it’s just to the store.
9. Make excuses for their behavior.
10. Cover up for them.
11. Don’t make them take any responsibility
for anything.
12. Do everything for them.
If you do these things, I guarantee that your loved one will be totally dependent on you.
And that is something you do NOT want.
Your loved one needs to take responsibility for themselves if they are going to get better.
Stability is not something you can achieve for them.
As a supporter, you naturally want to be a good one and to help your loved one.
But they are not a child, and should not be totally dependent on you.
They need to do as many things as they can for themselves.
They need to work toward their own stability.
If you do all those things I listed, you will probably experience supporter burn-out, and then where would your loved one be?
Where would you be?
Not very healthy yourself.
Take for example, the medication issue.
Even if your loved one complains about having to take their bipolar medications, it is still something they should do for themselves.
You shouldn’t be giving them their medication – that would be doing something for them that they can do for themselves.
In order to attain stability, your loved one MUST take responsibility for themselves.
Not just in taking their medication, but in other areas as well, like I listed before.
You want your loved one to be independent.
That’s one of the biggest steps toward stability for them.
When your loved one is not in an episode, when they are in a normal period, they should be totally capable of taking care of themselves and, therefore, taking their own responsibility.
They still need you as a supporter, but they shouldn’t be totally dependent on you.
For example, you can still make a To-Do List for them, but they should be the one doing the tasks.
It’s part of being productive, which your loved one needs to be.
I know you care about your loved one, but you can NOT make them totally dependent on you – it’s not good for either of you.
Have you noticed ways where your loved one is still too dependent on you?
Do you agree with me that they should NOT be?
Post responses below
Hi David,
You are absolutely right! I found myself making tasks lists for my daughter only to find myself doing a lot of the task myself. I finally decided that she had to be responsible for herself. I finally understand that as a supporter I do not have to do every thing for her, it is not healthy for her and not healthy for me. I was allowing my daughter to do things I did not approve of because, she is bi-polar, she’s my child etc..
After almost five years of trying to make her better, I have accepted the fact that her recovery is her work and I am probably doing more harm than help and I need to get out of the way! I know it will not be easy fo rme, I work with women who have chronic mental illness and substance use and homeless, I do not want that to happen to my daughter.
I am coming to terms that this is her journey, and I have to trust and believe that she will be fine without my constant interference.
Your emails have been the only support i have found the last three years and has giving me much help and insight about me especially.
Thank you
Betty
Dear Dave,
I was a class A enabler – giving up that role was a mission and Im still working on it!!!
My daughter has been 6 months stable now she does all the right things ( medication, sleeping well and so on) recently I mentioned to her thta she needed to get her weight under her control- and different folks respond to different methods of weight control I suggested 2 ideas – one of thenm is your weight loss program Dave ( if this blog has been consistently inspirationsl for me then it made sense that your weight loss programme would hold merit ) anyway I left it at that – after a few days Rachel wanted your email address – so far so good.
I am learning how to stand back and let my loved one do the right thing for herself. To stop enabling is such a hard lesson to learn. but in the end it is so important for my loved ones wellbeing as well as mine
Regards
Shona
Dear Sherie,
I responded to your post. Please go back a few days and read it.
Hey Dave,
I am sad to say I do alot on the list. My partner of 4 years has a suspended driver license so I have to drive her every where. I give her a glass of milk with her pills every night. I do allow her to be in charge of our finances. I know it sounds scary but she is not working adn to her she is being responsble and taking care of the family. I am very proud to say she has done an amazing job and she takes alot of pride in saying bills are paid on time.
I am a diagnoised codependent and it is very hard for me not to do more for her. We fight alot about the things I do do. I am trying hard to set the line on being a supporter and taking care of her. That is a very hard thing for me.
Thank you for this e-mail. This was probably the one that hs helped me the most.
Your Awesome,
Deborah
CODEPENDECY – by dictionary definition means =addiction to a supportive role in a relationship. As supporters haven’t we all been a little guilty of that from time to time.
SYMBIOSIS – by definition means =interaction between two different organisms living in close physical association to the advantage of both – mutually advantageous association between persons.
That’s the hard one because sometimes we simply don’t see the advantages of living with someone with Bi-Polar, but the more we allow them to manage their illness themselves the more we will see the advantages of being in partnership with them.
Hope that helps someone.
My very best to all supporters
Devon Ryburn-Morris