I normally am a big fan of your advice and emails. You talked in this one about your friend who just using the on one hand game. Have you truly ever tried to say to a bipolar person, “you are an adult and should act like one”? Or “we should talk about this calmly”? You can’t say that to them without being attacked. You can’t rationalize with them if they have decided that they are going to argue with you! They don’t HEAR that! I have been there with my mom (now deceased) and now my 22 year old daughter. You can’t respond… you can’t walk away because they will follow you. It is very difficult to disengage with them when they want to argue!

I would be lost with out Dave’s column.My son is 17 and bipolar and we had to home school because of it and his other health issues as well.He has had a girlfriend for a year they love each other and he’s going to move out and live with her.My son is very unstable mental and physically and i have tried talking to them and needless to say iam getting no where fast with this and anyone with advise i would love to hear from.

I appreciate your insight David. thanks for sharing and taking time to do this for so many people

I have a 23-year-old bipolar son with a mental age of about 12, who is currently in a facility on a 5150. He has not been able to be reasoned with when he is irrational.

My son had lived with his father, my former husband, for the past 13 years because he had greater health and physical strength and financial resources. I am physically disabled with fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, and lesions in the brain indicating multiple sclerosis. When my former husband remarried a woman with a child, I was overjoyed that my adult son would be coming back to live with me. I did all I could to help myself learn about bipolar disorder, autistic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, paranoia, and schizophrenia. It seemed like things were going quite well.

This Friday morning was beautiful. The sun was shining. My son and I got into the truck. I was just backing out of the driveway.

No sooner than the truck was in front of my home pointed down the street, a sudden . . . P-O-W !

My son had just given me one sharp punch to the corner of my right cheek bone angled a bit upward.

There had been no prior words, no arguments, only joy to take my son to his medical doctor’s appointment to learn the results of his medical tests, because he has smoked for the 13 years he has lived at his father’s. He was afraid that he had cancer from smoking so long. I had vowed to help him find out whatever is ailing him, and then help him get whatever medical care he needs.

My upper part of my brain started to hurt, my eyes felt strange.

Weeks before, friends and family had told me to get a digital tape recorder for my protection. I thought, “No way — this is my son, and he’s family.” However, across the weeks, his violent anger had escalated, and he had suddenly shoved me up against a door and placed his hands around my neck and stopped short of squeezing a few weeks ago which caused me to find a way to escape, drive to the police, consult on whether a 5150 was warranted, and one police officer followed me home, gently came into my son’s room, talked him into walking outside, called an ambulance, and then my son was taken to the county psychological assessment unit for a 3-day hold.

I visited him every day, realized he had a combination of illnesses, and as he requested, brought him pizza and a root beer every night and had supper with him during the visiting hour.

The facility gave him Abilify. He developed stomach problems and intestinal bleeding. It had to be discontinued.

I did not feel safe bringing him home for days, and still, with the California state budget cuts and services being cut back, I was forced to bring him back home before he was stabilized. He was to comply with seeing his prior doctor and being followed. He was to keep his hands off me.

As soon as my son arrived home, he did not fill his prescription for alternative medicines. He refused to visit the doctor he had been seeing when he was under his father’s care, which was a condition of his release. He broke every rule of my home the minute he returned home. He stayed up days and nights. He had ups and downs across the next two weeks. There was no reasoning with him. I was not safe in the house.

For safety, and so my neighbors could hear me if I was in danger of my life being taken, I started spending the nights outside in a tent in the back yard. These were the most peaceful nights in the whole year that I have had my son back. I should have stayed in the tent the whole time. However, he did go outside to smoke, and only a few times came out to the tent and started to unzip it, and in a loud voice, I told him not to.

I had to be very careful not to wear the wrong clothes, or to wear my hair the wrong way, because my son was not allowed to, but promised he would punch me if he disliked my clothing or hairstyle. His father before him was also bipolar, and had carried this out, so I had divorced him for my children’s and my safety; but I had no idea that this same trait has been imparted to our eldest son in the past 13 years.

You cannot reason with a bipolar person.

Even a soft answer does not always turn away wrath.

Even silence does not always turn away wrath.

After my son had given me that one sharp punch, my head started hurting, eyes feeling strange, and he was shouting obscenities, ranting, raving, and reading scriptures about the doctrine of “predestination” and “grace” that he tried to use to justify that he could do anything that he wanted to me without guilt because everything was covered by GOD’s love and “grace”, and because it would not happen unless GOD wanted it to happen, because he believed that everyting that happened was predestined, and thus, was GOD’s will any way. So, during his ranting and raving, I fumbled, searching deep within my bag for the brand new digital tape recorder that family and friends had pressed me to purchase. It took about 10 minutes of fumbling with one hand to find the recorder and get it started. I kept driving to the medical clinic. I told my son that my head hurt and that I was either going to the hospital or to drop him off on the appointment side, and then sign myself in on the “walk-ins” side to be seen sooner. When we arrived at the clinic, the counter was divided into 2 parts, and I did just what I told my son. While being triaged, I was asked how my cheek and head came to hurting so badly, and I told them that my son is mentally disabled, more like age 12 then age 23, had punched me, and immediately, they called the police, who came over, who unfortunately, because my son tried to run and then attack one of the officers, tackled my son, broke his cross necklace, handcuffed him, called an ambulance, and then had him taken off to the county’s 5150 72-hour psych assessment unit.

The doctor sent me to the hospital x-ray department for x-rays, and scheduled for me to learn results on Monday.

My son has now been in the assessment unit for almost 3 days come tomorrow morning, and then I will have to deal with telling him that I did not “rat him out”, and deal with the very likely further violence from his bipolar disorder.

After my x-rays Friday, I went to the courthouse and purchased a packet for a conservatorship for my son, and another packet for a restraining order to be filled out and only signed and dated when the next violent act happens.

The psych assessment unit said that it was way too premature to consider an institution or a group home for my son. That I had to go through at least three or four violent incidents and risk my life before they can even consider, under these budget crises situations, to put my son in a permanent institution or group home.

No, I do not want to ever give up on him. I do love him. I cannot afford to be killed by him.

No, you cannot reason with a bipolar person when he or she is in an episode.

Even soft answers, and even silence and smiles can still be responded to with literally “knocking your block off.”

My son has the ability and the power to switch his anger and his civility on-and-off, so even my ex-husband was warned about bring our son to the 5150 assessment unit too many times during his years with our son. But when our son is alone with us, he can switch from safe to dangerous in an instant.

It was immediately after a roomer moved out to go to another city, that my son escalated his behavior, as if he knew that he could get by with much more after he was alone with me.

The new, young, inexperienced psychiatrist who is not yet famliar with my son’s history thinks it is too premature to consider a conservatorship, a group home, an institution, and especially not a restraining order.

I want to be my son’s best supporter possible, but I do not believe that any psychiatrist should force me to put my life in danger. Ethically, licensed professionals owe a reasonable duty of care, not only to their mental patients, but also to their patient’s family members, to help implement measures to keep all of them safe.

When psychiatrists themselves do not seem to be able to reason, it ultimately has to be up to the family member to do what is necessary to get conservatorships and even restraining orders, to save their lives.

I totally agree I have done most of the things you talk about,but now that Iam stable Iam able to think of the hurt I have caused my husband and stay calm by walking away or going to pray. This has helped me manage my behavior and not get upset,which only makes things worst, as I said before my husband doesn’t believe Bipolar is a real mental illness, just an excuse to do what I want and this hurts alot, When I was depressed for a decade he believed that.But now that I have changed,take pride in my apprerance and have self esteem and my own views,he can’t handle it.But I stay postive and focus on the good things that have made me into a happy person who takes one day at a time.So thanks for the article. Like I said Bipolar has changed my life for the better.

I like this statagey alot. I have been diagnosed for about 10 years. some stable some not. I have realized that the better my attitude is the quicker I can cope and focus back on my life again. I just recently found your sites and subscribed, I find this very helpful in time of need. I have some questions about Pharmasutical drugs. I have taken them, and dont like them at all. I dont want to use them but want to explore other avenues, Herbs or holistic tinctures? I have heard good things about them. I was wondering what your opinion is on Holistic treatment of bi-polar?