Hi,
Today I wanted to write you about something really, really important. Something you may be doing that you may not even be aware of. Ok, ok, enough of the secrecy. I’m talking about enabling. It’s when you do things for your loved one that they can do for themselves. And you think you’re helping them, but in reality, you’re really making things worse for them, as well as for yourself.
It’s real easy for this to happen when you’re a supporter of a loved one who has bipolar disorder.
I’m not saying this makes you a bad person or anything – in fact, it says just the opposite – just
that you may be trying too hard.
Here’s an example of an enabler: Say, the father of a drug addict, and his son keeps getting thrown in jail, and the father just keeps bailing him out of jail. This pattern keeps repeating
and keeps repeating. So the son learns that every time he gets arrested, he can call his father, and his father will bail him out of jail. The father is enabling his son to continue the pattern.
But what would happen if just one time, the father wouldn’t bail his son out of jail? What if he told his son that from now on, he wouldn’t bail him out of jail, but hoped he would stay out of trouble, but that if he didn’t, here was the name of a bail bondsman?
See what I mean?
In your case, think of some patterns that keep on repeating themselves. Things that, during episodes, you keep “bailing” your loved one out of. Maybe the “lying” (distortions of the truth) you keep experiencing with your loved one. Or the financial repercussions that you are left with in the wake of after one of their episodes.
I’ve talked about the definition of insanity before: Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. If you keep repeating the same behavior, then you are enabling your loved one. And you are not helping either one of you. Enabling is “bailing them out.” Rescuing them. Not
making them take responsibility for their behavior. Covering up for them. It’s anything you do that “enables” them to keep repeating their same old behavior.
See, the thing is, you can’t change them. You can’t change their behavior. You can’t make their choices for them. (No matter how much you would like to.) The only one you can do anything about is yourself. You can only change yourself. You have got to stop enabling your loved one. But boy, is it going to be hard.
Any habit that has been going on for any length of time is going to be hard to quit. But in this case, because your loved one has become used to you being there in a certain way, they are not going to take it well when you stop being there in that certain way.
For example, if they come to you for money after an episode, and in the past you’ve always given it to them, even though they’ve misspent it during that episode – they are going to expect you to give them money now. Well, what would happen if you don’t give them money this time? They are not going to be happy about it if you don’t give them money this time, even if you try to explain why you aren’t giving it to them – that during their episode, they squandered the family’s money, and it just isn’t there to give to them this time. What if you tell them that they need to take responsibility for the money they wasted during their episode?
Are they going to be mad? Probably so. Are they going to understand? Probably not. Is it going to take a few times to make this a permanent change? Definitely so. Things didn’t get this way overnight and will not become a permanent change overnight either.
The hard part for you is going to be not caving in. It would be so easy for you to just go back to the way things were before – to continue enabling your loved one. I told you this wouldn’t be easy. But if you really want permanent change here, you are going to have to stick to your guns. This will eventually work if you stick to your guns.
Your loved one will eventually learn that they can’t come to you for money (or whatever you’ve been enabling them), and that they will have to take responsibility for their actions and decisions and poor choices. Then eventually, they will not overspend when they go into the episode, because they will learn that if they do, there won’t be money for them when they come out of the
episode.
The only way to change the end of the movie is to change the plot of the movie. You are the director, and you have control over this. Take control, and stop enabling your loved one – I know
it will be hard, but I know you can do it, because I have heard from hundreds of people who have gotten my courses and have learned to do it, and I know it can be done!
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
Dear David,
I just wanted to let you know that I signed up to get your newsletter a few years back and I found it very helpful and informative. I was diagnosed when I was nineteen. My maternal Aunt is Bipolar and when the doctors could not find anything else that is the label they gave me. At first it was hard to accept but I became friends with it and made it part of me. I used it for excuses for my feelings and actions. Then in November of 2010 while seeing a psychologist for an earlier suicide attempt in May the awakening came. He reviewed my history with me since the twenty years of my diagnosis and told me he wasn’t sure that I was ever Bipolar at all. With the permission of my family doctor weeks later I was off the lithium. It’s been three months now and although I do still take an antidepressant I feel great. At first I didn’t know who I was without my Bipolar friend but I am getting used to it. Thank You for your newsletter and I’m hoping you might share this with someone. Maybe a person who’s newly diagnosed to somehow let them know you can get a second opinion at a later time. I lived twenty years of my life on lithium and didn’t have too. My face is full of scarring from the acne lithium produced not to mention whatever affect it had on my body. I am happy to have had the label taken away but it was a label I wasn’t ashamed of thanks to support like yours.
I stopped enabling my son when it became clear that we would both go under financially if I didn’t. Sad to say it had to come to that, but it’s such a relief to leave him in his own hands so he can learn the consequences of his own behavior (he’s almost 22). After all, I am stronger and wise because I am accountable for my own decisions. Why should I short-change him from having that same wisdom and strength?
I never know what my brother wastes my money on. His car repair bill sounds inflated. I can’t prove it, but he needs a car for the job he says he was just offered.
He’s lying about the job, I know (or will soon). I’ll never know about the expensive repair bill. He’s just too clever to outwit when he can sucker me about his latest job prospect.
What if the job were real and he had no car to get to it? So I let it go this time, wrote him a check. Maybe next time he asks for money, I’ll face the consequences of saying no. He can’t use the car-job angle too many times…
His daughter is entering college, broke. My other brother now refuses to kick in a dime no matter what, saying his wife won’t let him. They like their vacations. Horrible people in this world! It’s very hard to stay sane and be reasonable. I wish I had my dad to talk this over with. He was so smart. Thank you, David, for challenging me like my dad would.
I’m married to a person with bi-polar disorder. The issue here is his defensive behavior and anger. I can hardly talk to him about anything without him getting all pissy and thinking I said something I didn’t say. How do I deal with that?
EXAMPLE: Me: – AND the first time I ever mentioned it: “Gosh, there’s sure a lot of crabgrass in the yard.”
Him SCREAMING: “WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS COMPLAINING WHY CAN’T YOU SAY I DID A GOOD JOB IN THE YARD?” He went on and on and on and on. HE DOESN’T EVEN WORK IN THE YARD, WE HIRE IT DONE.
It’s very unpleasant living with him, and I’m at my wits end.
My husband and I have just started the extremely difficult process of no longer enabling our daughter. She just turned 18 and has been diagnosed with bi-polar – she also has problems with drug addictions. We have decided to no longer enable her and have stopped giving her money. She certainly does not like it and there has been quite a lot of angry yelling and threats. The hardest part is when she threats to commit suicide. She does this at least once a week – it’s so hard for us to not cave when she threatens this. I know we are supposed to take every threat of suicide seriously, and we do – if she actually leaves the house or attempts to grab sharp objects etc. we will call the police. Usually just the idea of us calling the police or having her hospitalized is enough to cal her down somewhat. But it usually ends up with something in the house being broken or destroyed or holes have been kicked or punched in the walls. Not a fun time at all. I look forward to the time when these episodes become less frequent. It’s a stressful existence for all of us.
My son refuses to attend classes,go to therapy, take medicine or vitamin supplements.He has been in a few facilities but has not embraced his own recovery.We have recently had a crisis unit come to our home but he didn’t want to talk with them about leaving the home to go to a facility to stabilize himself.He has been on the street in the past for a few days but he went to a store to sleep instead of going to a shelter which provides counseling.He is enrolled in a mental health program and has a counselor come to the home periodically but he is hostile toward him.I gave him an application for a group home and I drove him to the health program in order to obtain a reference from his counselor.His counselor wasn’t available so we left the application with the receptionist.He refuses to pick it up.There is a pycho/social club near our home with a wonderful education program which could benefit my son.He refuses to obtain the referral paper from his counselor to register for courses.He sits at home and just eats,sleeps and wants to look at TV or listen to music.My son is 24 years old and it has been 8 years of erratic behavior and no cooperation in his treatment.My husband and I are tired of the situation.What do you suggest for us to do besides prayer.We are praying for him on a daily basis.
My now ex-husband, has a mood disorder that is bi-polar or something very similar (borderline personality disorder) or both. Every 6-7 years he would have very angry, acting out behavior and would have an affair. The last time, I decided that I’d had enough. I divorced him with the cause of adultry. I stayed the other 2 times because I knew he was acting out and it wasn’t my fault, but I think instead of helping him, it enabled him. Now, he’s on his own to figure out how to stop his self-destruction. I hope for his sake and our childrens’ sake he does!
“What if you tell them that they need to take responsibility for the money they wasted during their episode?” Quoted from your last email. Why don’t you just say “Stop having manic episodes where you have spending sprees. OR better yet “Why don’t you be a responsible person and not have bipolar at all.” If someone is a diabetic do you criticize them because they have the expense of buying sugar free foods and other things that a diabetic has to have to help manage their disease. You are going on the assumption that under a manic spending episode the bipolar person is rational enough to even remember there are going to be consequences for their actions. If they could remember, oh, if I spend all of this money I won’t be getting any more when I am over this and will be needing more in the future then they would be rational enough not to have an episode in the first place. Really David. The more I get emails from you the more from my on 25 plus years of being bipolar begin to see you only can see through the eyes of a supporter and your emails are mostly directed with their best interest in mind. And that is well and good and they need as much help in loving and caring for someone with bipolar as probably the one living with the bipolar inside of them does. But David seeing and living the disease are two different things. That’s like being in the delivery room with your wife while she is having a baby and having the baby yourself. Two entirely different things. Your are doing the watching. Your mother is the one having the baby, not you. So to speak. You can never know what is like to have a baby unless you have one and you will never truly know what it is like to have bipolar unless, God forbid, you experience it. So your emails may be of great encouragement to supporters. I really find them of little value, except every once in a great while, in my dealings with my bipolar disorder. And yes I have order a great deal of your books, programs, and etc. But most relate back to what I have already said. No amount of research not about of time put into doing it can tell you how it feels to have a baby or to have bipolar.
Yours sincerely,
Joycelyn Moore
Thanks for the info ….That is exactly what I need to do But can’t seem to make myself.Buying tags & Ins.for vehicles, paying rent etc I will Try harder Thanks again
Being the spouse of someone with a bipolar disorder is very challenging. When it comes to money issues and the trust dissolving, I have yet to find any workable solution. His co-Morbidities and tons of doctors make my working outside the home very difficult and memory concerns make my presence at all doctor appointments essential. We’ve made a lot of progress, but this money and trust issue make this situation extremely tough. Its back to that old Serenity prayer again and again. When the money coming in is his and enough to allow me to stay home and help him through all the landmines, how do you totally restrict money when the money is used to sabatage his own health? breathe, walk , exercise and be hopeful–a constant mantra.
Fortunately I’m the parent of a Woman-Child and a Male-Child and I’ve followed the pattern of HEAVENLY PARENTS – while i enjoyed the part about the constant “bailing” out situation as it demonstrates UNCONDITIONAL LOVE (gotta be there to know what I mean), as with any relationship – particularly if living with each other, know the boundaries and if applied properly no one gets the wrong deal of life. so far I’ve had no complaints as failing my Parental duty — You see, I’m a product of UNCONDITIONAL PARENTING MYSELF – i think this is the only pattern that should repeat. I really like this
should persons with bipolar be armed as in have a fire arm?