Hi,
I know that anger is a huge problem for people dealing with bipolar disorder. How do I know? Not just because I’m a supporter myself or because my mom has it, but because I get TONS of emails on just this subject. You wouldn’t believe how many people are dealing with anger these days – Whether they have bipolar disorder or not. (Well, yes you would, because you’re probably one of them.)
Well, Robert Allan PhD, clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at the New York-Presbyterian Hospital, wrote a whole book on anger, called “Getting Control of Your Anger.”
In Dr. Allan’s book, he talks about a 3-step process for taming rage:
1. Identify the hook (trigger) that feeds your anger.
In other words, he says that just by knowing that there is a trigger that sets your anger off can be liberating in itself. It’s the first step toward changing your reaction to your anger and not allowing yourself to directly express that anger by yelling or getting physical.
2. Step back or remove yourself from the situation causing your anger.
By doing this, you can figure out WHY you need the anger. Then you can try some relaxation
or deep-breathing exercises to try to get back some of your self-control.
He also suggests developing an OBSERVING self, a mini-version of yourself who you visualize sitting on your shoulder viewing the big picture and warning you not to take the anger bait (hook or trigger).
Kind of reminds me of the old cartoon picture of the “mini-you” angel on one shoulder and the “mini-you” devil on the other shoulder, both trying to tell you what to do.
Dr. Allan says that when we get angry, the feeling is usually fueled by the need for respect or the need not to have our territory breached, or both.
3. Fill the need without expressing anger directly. Instead, ASK for what you need.
Many people feel a need, but instead of talking about it, go straight to the feeling behind the need, which many times is anger. That anger can quickly turn to rage, and they can easily turn that rage onto the other person. Then, instead of talking about their need, they start a fight with the other person. Now they’re somewhere they never intended to go in the first place. What they should have done is ask for what they needed instead. If they would have done that, their need would have been met, and they would not have ended up in a fight.
———————————————————————————————————————
Let’s continue to discuss the issue of anger as it relates to bipolar disorder.
Many times it is the supporter who is angry at their loved one. They don’t mean to be. They certainly don’t want to be. It just somehow happened as a result of what they’re having to deal with. Or something that their loved one has specifically done.
Here’s a good example:
Mary’s husband Jack has bipolar disorder. Whenever Jack goes into a manic episode, he lies to Mary. When Mary confronts Jack about it, he denies it. Maybe Mary would be able to take it if she could understand why he lies, but when he denies it, it really makes her mad; actually, it makes her even madder because this she really doesn’t understand.
It makes her so mad because she thinks Jack is lying on purpose just to get to her. She doesn’t believe him when he says it’s just part of his bipolar disorder. This has led to real problems in their marriage.
Jack tries to defend himself, but by now Mary is so angry, there isn’t even any talking about it – she just won’t listen to him.
———————————————————————————————————————
I wish I could say that this is the exception rather than the rule but, unfortunately, it isn’t.
I know too many angry supporters.
The answer is for them to talk to their loved one and tell them how they’re feeling, rather than to hold that anger in or let it come out in a fight.
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
yes, I am very guilty of the anger. I am angry w/the illness, angry with the damage my husband has done to this family regarding poor financial decisions and just plain bad decisions that have put this family in jeopardy. I’m angry I’m the one who’s continually “cleaning up the mess”. I know it’s not always his fault, but sometimes in the middle of issues it’s hard not to blame him and wish he’d make better choices.
I appreciate your email. It has alot of useful information. I do these steps in my daily life however what do we do when we state what we want and we still cannot achieve it? That is my biggest need for understanding I always say what I want. Thank you.
Yes, I am very angry right now because my bipolar son decided to stop taking his lithium. It has been working great too! It is a miracle drug. He stopped completely having highs and lows. He has been functioning normally and making great progress in his life. Now he stopped and last week he had a major meltdown over some diet Dr Pepper I was drinking. In fact he had a meltdown over what he saw as many people’s failures, everyone except his own of course. He was very manic…now he is sleeping all the time….so here we go again. Instead of allowing the anger, I simply asked him to start the lithium again. I told him he was in big time denial about being bipolar. Anyway, the beat goes on….I wonder how in the world I can convince him he needs his lithium for life!!
I am afflicted with Bipolar. One of the ways I deal with anger is I write in my journal. It is a way to vent and helps me to solve many issues. It’s also a good tool to use when you want to see what makes you angry and if there are any patterns. It’s been one of the best things I could do to help me deal with everything that’s on my mind. As soon as I can put it on paper and get it off my mind, the sooner I can move on from it.
My daughter,28, has Bipolar Disrder. After donating a kidney to her husband, she stopped her medication and nutrients,lost weight and went on a negative website for 16 hrs a day.She told me that our relatonship was based on lies and acted angry and then left my house and moved to Virginia,left her husband and I haven’t seen her in 2 1/2 years.
I emailed her about a Musical Project I was involved in. She send some warm and loving emails and then in the last email she flipped out saying I was trying to put her into institutions, and abused her emotionally.
It brought me to tears.
I responded the next day saying I was sad that she felt that way about me and that I LOve her and Always Will Love Her.
Shall I tell her that she should be on medication.
She is in Therapy right now.
Thanks for your input.
Gloria Brown
I am angry and do not understand “why” I have bipolar and fibromyalgia to go along with it. When I get angry I go into a rage and am out of control. It’s like an experience happening outside of my body and it takes me about a week to get over the exhaustion from the episode. When I say go into a rage, I mean it scares people as to what I might do. I’ve never harmed anyone but the anger is a major problem for me. I do not know what to do about the anger. I am so tired of dealing with bipolar and fibromyalgia. The fibromyalgia is hard to treat because of the bipolar. I have chronic pain 24hrs/7 days a week/365 days a year. Sometimes I would like to give up but I don’t.
i just get mad at other familey that dont get this bi-polar issue and say nothing is wrong they just need to go to church and put negative thoughts in my husband head and ive worked so hard to get him in a med state and they come over once in awile and put negative in his mind and hear we go again and try to fix it and get him in the middle not manic and not depressed grrrrrrr
Hi,
I’m not a supporter (bless ’em all), I’m an experiencer. I used to have all kinds of problems with anger, – blind rage over stupid things like our little dogs barking to greet my girlfriend and I when we came home in the evening. I’d scream at them, kick at them, and then immediately feel awful for what I had just done.
My MD at the time told me I was severely depressed, and started me on Zoloft. It changed my life, – every thing was great for a long time. I’ll never know exactly when it happened, but one day the Zoloft stopped making me feel good, and started making me feel SUPERMAN GOOD. Bullet proof and indestructible!
That was over ten years ago. In the time in between I’ve developed a couple strategies for my anger that are so habitual I often do them without even thinking. Before I continue, everyone please be advised this is NOT something to use if you are suddenly angry in traffic, or are somehow physically threatened. DO NOT try this under these ciscumstances!
For me, the things that are most likely to really send me into a a rage are those tiny little things that build up inside you, until you blow. Like if you come home from work, and find a big ol’ dog turd in the middle of your living room carpet, or, JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER NIGHT IN YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU GET HOME FROM WORK, all three of your little dogs come at you with a well coordinated effort to get under your feet and bring you to the floor, and they even know which bad knee you have to go after!
I never actually decided to try this as a strategy, – rather, one day I saw myself doing it, and realized it had been going on for a while. Whatever, or whoever, it is that is really pushing all my buttons, I first take a split second or two to make sure I can “go away” from it for a second or two. If my attention drifts, neither myself nor anyone else is at any risk. That’s why I would never do this behind the wheel!
Anyway, say I just came through the door, both my arms are full of groceries, and I have three little hellion dogs jumping on my legs. Just a second ago they almost took me down – I can see exactly where my head would have hit the TV stand! I’m on the verge of becoming livid with rage….
I stop, I take a deep breath, my eyes roll back in my head, and for just a second or two, I willfully black out. For those couple of seconds I’m all by myself, breathing, surrounded by blackness. Then…. POP, – I’m back. I’m giving myself a pause to take a deep breath and reset all my meters back to zero.
I’m still here, whatever it is that is bothering me is still here, but that couple seconds away allows me change my perceptions of my world from negative, to neutral. And neutral is a lot easier to deal with than blind rage! wess
I AM BI-POLAR SINCE 1973, AS A YOUNG TEEN. NO ONE KNEW HOW TO HANDLE ME, THEY JUST SAID I WAS MOODY, AND LEFT ME ALONE. WHERE I SLEPT A LOT. I’D HAVE HIGHS AND LOWS BUT I DID PRETTY WELL AT SCHOOL DUE TO THE TEACHERS THEIR GAVE ME MUCH NEEDED PRAISE. OVER ALL IN SCHOOL I WAS A 3.75 GRADE AVERAGE, THOUGHT I SKIPPED 1/2 OF SOPHOMORE YEAR. MY MOM NEVER CARED. SHE HAD 3 OLDER KID,S MUCH OLDER THAN I, PLUS SHE HAD A HEAVY DRINKING HUSBAND. HAD NO TIME FOR ME. SHE EVEN SLIPPED AND TOLD ME ” YOU GO AND FIND OTHERS TO RAISE YOU”, SO I DID. BOTH PARENTS WORKED. THOUGH MY FATHER DRANK 6 PACK OF BEER EVERY NIGHT, NO ONE BROUGHT AND FRIEND HOME NEVER KNOWING WHICH MOOD HE’D BE IN. HE NEVER MISSED WORK. PARENTS LEFT BEFORE I GOT UP FOR SCHOOL EVERY WEEK DAY. AFTER SCHOOL THE OLDER GIRLS GAVE MY BROTHER AND I A 1/2 PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH AND WAS TOLD NOT TO COME HOME TILL OUR PARENT GOT HOME… WHERE I FOUND FRIENDSHIP WITH LOTS OF MOSTLY MEN NEIGHBORS WHO I WANTED FRIENDSHIP WITH BUT IT ALWAYS BECAME SEXUAL. YOU SEE MY BROTHER IS 6 1/2 YEARS OLDER THAN ME. WHEN FAMILY MOVED TO A HOME PARENT FIRST BOUGHT HOME, THEIR WERE ONLY ENOUGH ROOMS FOR EACH ROOM TO HAVE 2 PERSONS. SO 2 SISTER SHARED, MY BROTHER AND I WERE FORCED TO SHARED BUNK BEDS. MY PARENT DIDN’T KNOW MY BROTHER WAS ALREADY SEXUALLY ACTIVE. SO YOU CAN FIGURE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME EVERY NIGHT. THE FIRST TIME I WAS TOLD WHAT I HAD TO DO, I WROTE A NOTE ON MY DOOR KNOB BUT NO ONE NOTICED. THIS WENT ON FOR 11 YEARS, I GUESS THAT WAS BEING MELESTED? OTHERS TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME ALSO BECAUSE I WAS VERY SEXUAL.I GOT USED TO IT. I HATED IT AT FIRST, THEN IT WAS LIKE I HAD A NEON SIGH ON MY FORHEAD THAT SAID I’M EASY. WHEN I FINALLY GOT MARRIED ALL OF THIS STOPED EXCEPT MY BI-POLAR UPS AND DOWNS. MY FIRST MARRIAGE FAILED 5 MONTHS IN THEN GOT MARRIED AGAIN IT LASTED TEN YEARS, HE HAD DIABETIC, DIED 1992. MARRIED AGAIN 2005 LASTED NOT QUITE 2 YEARS. NOW I’VE GIVEN UP. BUT NOW IM UP AND DOWN WITH MEDICATIONS AND SEXUAL URGES ARE VERY MUCH PART OF MY LIFE AND I DONT QUITE HOW TO SATISFY MASTRABATION DOES NOT WORK SO I CUT ALOT THAT HELPS BUT DOCTORS DO NOT UNDER STAND. SO THEY PUT ME ON XANAX? HELP SUFFER!!!
Well I dont even know what I’m feeling its a mix of anger, guilt, shame, lost every negative feeling yuo can feel. My husband hasn’t been diagnosed because he denies he has a problem. He is filled with anger and focused an everyones problems but his.After 20 years of marriage we have been separated for 2 years. He forced me out of our home with his anger and drinking problem the reason why I donot recommened he use any meds he sold my car and threw out my stove. He tore our family apart. Yet am I angry maybe but most of I still want to help him.
i have a friend who just told me the latest. she told me of a friend who really had a different type of situation – she knows of a person who takes on way too many personalities for her own good – most of us should be thankful we don’t have one of those as a neighbor. LOL!!!!
one minute, she’s a 40 year old grandma then she’s a 40 year old mom then she’s a 40 year old friend and now a 40 year old virgin sister (which is great but)..don’t know if this is bipolar but it sure causes conflict of self which leads to anger…..I am never angry – I’m satisfied with my lot in life …….for now
Yes, I can say I have been angry. My husband who is bipolar was in a manic state, did cocaine and was in a terrible accident. He was charged with a DUI and reckless endangerment. He is now in prison, serving a year sentence. I am left with taking care of our son and the house, plus trying to get him the help he needs while in prison. It took them 31 days to get him on any type of mood stabilizer, in the meantime he had a major misconduct in prison. Very frustrating talking to people who tell you it is being handled, when in fact it got worse. I finally contacted NAMI who put me in touch with a person who could actually help. After he was put on the proper meds, he has stabilized. Living with someone who is bipolar is hard along with trying to keep our son’s life somewhat normal. I hope this is the wake-up call my husband needed to get well and stay well. Our relationship, or what (if anything) is left of it, will not withstand much more.
I’m so angry that my husband’s family chooses to ignore the whole illness. He spent about a year manic – made horrible decisions, just about ruined us financially let alone the emotional turmoil myself and childrent had to endure. This “family” who told me would support me and help me listened to his “tales” and the blame he put upon me and insisted it was other problems. To date, I listened to him explain how great things are, meds are managed – had to “let his psychiatrist go” because she wasnt’ working out – now tell me now it’s the bipolar sufferer determining his doctor and who will manage his meds… and his family thinks this is ok – yes, I am angry – I’m managing the bills, the house, the family and trying to manage him – all while his family looks away.