Hi,
I hope your day is going well.
Oh, yesterday I forgot to put the link into the blog message so you could type responses. Sorry about that. These days I have had to do so many things because so many people are ill in this organization it’s amazing. Two people with cancer. Another with kidney problems. Several with the flu.
Anyway, I have had to pick up the slack and it means I get little sleep : ) So again sorry.
Much of my message today I’m going to let Elisabeth tell you. She wrote me an email that pretty much spells out the story, so I’ll let her say it: “…After several weeks of taking the opportunity to hear about your experiences and the experiences of others who post on this forum, I feel far less anxiety and far less disruption from the actions of my boyfriend. In July, I was encouraged to file a Temporary Restraining Order against him due to his upsetting and erratic behavior towards me. Yes, much of it driven by his anger which I finally took a stand against. I would like to include that as a victim of a previous traumatic experience I was very closely guided by the counselors and advocates whom I’ve depended upon in taking this type of action. I did not trust my own feelings or instincts about what was occurring which is why I contacted my counselor advocates – to get clear feedback on my perspective.
And, yes, he is angry with me for taking a stand and releasing myself from him and this relationship. I’m ok with my own life and being back on my own path again. There are some differences in my own nature and, in fact, there are a few other people with whom I’ve needed to and been able to set clearer boundaries. Persons who are close to me are enjoying, once again, my company, my smile and my self-assuring nature – and they don’t expect anything except my friendship in return. This is true validation.
Thank you for the opportunity to participate. Your feedback is always welcome.
Sincerely,
Elisabeth
——————————————————————-
Well, as you know, I’m not a doctor, psychiatrist, therapist, or any other kind of medical or mental health professional, so I can’t give any kind of advice.
But Elisabeth just asked for my feedback, and that I can give.
I think we can all take a lesson from this woman, and the lesson is this: If you are a supporter there are many times you have to take a strong stand. Now, I am NOT saying to run right out and take out a restraining order on your loved one, so don’t get me wrong. Not everyone is in Elisabeth’s position (although if you are, you need to do what you need to do to protect yourself).
In my courses/systems below, I talk about setting boundaries. This is one of the things you have to do to be strong.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
There is a difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior – between what you will tolerate from your loved one and what you will NOT tolerate.
Your loved one, like Elisabeth’s may exhibit what she called “upsetting and erratic behavior” towards you. If so, you need to take a strong stand.
And then you need to stick to those boundaries. You need to set boundaries between what you will take and what you won’t take in their treatment of you.Believe it or not, just because your loved one has a mental disorder/illness doesn’t mean you have to treat them any different than you would anyone else in a relationship. You don’t have to feel sorry for them.
And you deserve to be treated just as “normal” as you would in any other relationship.
Sometimes that means that you have to take a strong stand. Even if that means standing up to your loved one.
Some supporters won’t do this because they’re afraid they’re going to push their loved ones into a bipolar episode.
Trust me, your loved one (most likely) is not that fragile. You would’ve seen signs of that long before this.
And if they are, they’re probably just using their bipolar disorder as an excuse to treat you that way.
Don’t let them get away with poor treatment of you. Set boundaries.
Tell them how you want to be treated.
Tell them how you DON’T want to be treated.
Take a strong stand.
Then stick to your boundaries. What do you think of this all?
FIND OUT WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT ME
Visit: http://www.bipolarcentral.com/testimonials
David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
Was married to wife 13 years, a very volatile personality since the 1st year. Verbally abusive & sometimes physically abusive also she is a Gemini. This spring I finally had enough and called the Sheriff during one of her episodes, she has since filled for separation & I raised her with divorce. I have been much happier without her
David,
My 16 year old daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 4 years ago. We have had multiple hospitalizations and repeated times in juvenile court. I have found that she is secure with boundries…recognizes them as something that keeps her safe and under control. It took me a while to stick to them because I wanted to baby her and her illness. I didn’t do either of us any favors. She is leading a normal healthy life.
I agree totally with Elizabeth and you David on this subject! You both could not have said it better. It is easier said than done but CAN be Done!!
In response to email on boundries
Hi Dave,
Sorry to hear so many people are stricken will illness in your organization and that you are missing sleep. Sleep is critical for everyone. Maybe you could hire some temporary people, don’t know but maybe.
About setting boundaries, I agree that bipolar disorder is not a free ticket to treat anyone poorly. With intense emotions, it may be contributing to the problem, but it is the person who has bipolar’s responsibility to take care of themselves and seek medical, professional help and therapy to overcome their problems with their behavior. Sometimes this means putting your foot down, and getting a restraining order, sometimes it means getting a separation, some times it just means like you said, telling them what you will and won’t accept behavior wise. Each case is different, but the bottom line is that bipolar is not a free ticket to abuse, misuse, attack or hurt anybody’s loved ones.
I have bipolar and wouldn’t hurt a fly, but one of my friends pointed out that each person is different. There are people who are abusive without bipolar and you don’t treat them any differently than putting your foot down and demanding to be treated fairly at times. And there are people with bipolar who will not mistreat anyone. Sometimes when a person’s temperament is that to be abusive, AND they have bipolar, you set boundaries and demand that they get help, and if they don’t I know I wouldn’t accept that kind of behavior.
It’s all about respect. We all deserve respect equally and if some one is being disrespectful, it is okay to demand respect respectfully.
As another friend put it, mean what you say and say what you mean, just don’t be mean when you say it : ) I think that says it all.
Thanks Dave,
Hope your employees all get well soon…
Bob
I really appreciate your emails every day and some days they really hit home and seem so true to my situation – My partner has suffered with bipolar probably for a long time but really been ill with it for the past 4 years – I have been very patient and stood by him and really taken alot of pain and abuse but I am fast running out of patience and your mail to day about being strong really hit home I am sure that he uses some of his illness to treat me the way he does as he seems to be able to treat other people differently it just seems to be me but as you say I am frightened to say or do anything in case it sends him into an angry session – but I have to say it is so difficult to know what is him and what is his illness – I am getting to the point where I think enough is enough and that I should just leave him to sort it out on his own but then I think its not his fault he is ill would you leave someone if they had cancer – it is very difficult and some days I can cope and some I can’t but thanks for the emails they do help Fay
I agree in part with Elizabeth. But, I am afraid to push too hard with my 17 year old son. I am afraid I will push him clear away from the family that wants to help. He has not been officially diagnosed- but the past year and all the info I’ve read make me believe that he is bipolar. He absolutely cannot control his moods, has no respect for authority and is currently flunking his junior year. I know he experiments with drugs and alcohol, which I don’t approve of. I wish someone could tell me if the drugs and alcohol could have triggered the bipolar episodes. They happened at the same time. Anyone know?
I have never responded to your bulletins, but feel now the time is right.
I am a 60 year old grandmother with a 66year old husband that is a bi-volcational pastor, he works a full time job and has two par time jobs.
We have had our daughters four children going on four years now. Their ages are boys 15, 12 & 9 and a girl 6. She has been dealing with bi-polar for three years now and has put our family through hell. She has been in and out of mental hospitals and jail so many times I have lost count. Her 12 year old is a a year probation for physical abuse towards me and also school problems and weed use. To say the least times have not been good. It is Christmas time and my daughter is once agian in jail. She was home from a mental hospital about 10 hours and we had to remove her from our home once again due to abusive and irrational behavior. We have an inner family services lady that has to come in our home six hours a week. During my last conversation with my daughter she stated that these four children were her children not mine and I was just “pulling a power play”. Well I don’t feel very powerful and I sure don’t feel like putting on a smiling face and celebrating Christmas with the children. I have yet to put up a tree and have not purchased the first gift. I take medication for nerves and depression. I have set boundaries so many times and had them breached so many times that it all feels useless and hopeless. Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year.
Da
Dave:
I wrote you a letter the other day asking you to not start out your letters so negatively. I’ve seen improvement over the last 2 days! Today my letter is about when you’re well. Keeping your boundaries with your supporters AFTER YOU ARE WELL.
I think my mom is so used to “taking-care” of me, she still treats me like a child. The other day I was with her on the phone and she was complaining about the bone spurs in her shoulder and how much pain it was causing her. I should also mention my mom is (OCD). i said, “how can I help you mom?” And she started RAGGING on me about how I didn’t keep the room clean enough when I was up for Thanksgiving!! I was probably the best I’ve been in 11 years when I went up to see them. I kept the room as clean as I thought was OK. Anyway, I finally said, “I get the point mom, and now we need to stop this.” She continued to RAG and I ended up just repeating STOP, STOP” and when she wouldn’t I finally hung up on her. I’m not on the edge of an episode, I was just respecting my boundaries!!!! I have to be a strong person with my mom and having her respect MY boundaries, she has always been an intrusive, nagging, gossipy bitch. She has been a causative factor in my last marriage breaking up. Now I’m revisiting my plans to visit my plans to visit them for Christmas. There were no positive comments on my loss of weight, how I was putting make-up on everyday, it’s good to see you so much better. Nothing. Nada. I had to ask them to notice (I’ve lost 2 sizes) and I’m not obesely fat so it is noticeable. Or positive comments on my routine, were not there.
I guess I just have to give up the notion that I will ever meet my parents expectations of me. And give up that my mother will ever say “i love YOU” first. First time in years that I’ve been thinking clearly.
Thanks Dave for this forum,
I got alot off my chest.
Teri
Yeah Elizabeth…. you did the right thing. I live with my partner and she exhibits terrible behavior towards me at times. I tell her to leave and she fights back and then decides to leave. And then she comes back with a new philosophy which may be good for a day or less and goes back to the same erratic behavior…. quiet and then loud and totally unpredictable.
I was happy when she decided to take a break and stay with her daughter part time, and then the same evening she comes back saying she doesn’t like it there. I am never given the opportunity to tell her it’s NOT a good idea she comes back right away. She has the control and I AM afraid to go against her to keep peace in my life and Not have another huge fight.
I’ve been at a point many times where I wanted to call the police and then get her out and a Restraining Order, but somehow she has Power over me. My family doesn’t see this part of her and always thinks she is a nice person and I should be nice to her and more understanding. But, if they just saw ONE episode or how she can scream, they would tell me to get her out.
It is a very difficult situation for anyone living with this. I just wonder how much longer I want to tolerate it.
Wow, Elizabeth I am proud of you. You took a stand and you stuck with it. I know first hand how hard that is, I too had to do just that and I was haveing some very erratic and inappropriate behavior exhibited towards me and my children as well as the whole neighborhood. Threats of death and violence are never acceptable by anyone at anytime and you have to stand up and refuse to accept them and protect yourself and loved ones and sometimes as with me, the whole neighborhood. Do what you know is right and good. Be the one to have the tough love and the life you need to have. You did well and I am, as I said, proud of you and your decesions as hard as they were, they were right!!
ALL I CAN SAY IS YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES TO THIS WONDERFUL ARTICLE.. GOD BLESS YOU ELIZABETH,, THANK YOU FOR SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT, A SUPPORTER IS AN ANGEL, AND DESERVES SO MUCH RESPECT,,, MY SON IS IN ABIPOLAR RELATIONSHIP, AND MY DAUGHTER IN LAW IS ABUSIVE, VINDICTIVE, MANUPULATING, AND A LIAR,, SHE WAS ARRESTED FOR ASSAULTING MY SON, AND HAS MANY POLICE REPORTS ON HER, AND SHE ALWAYS NOTES SHE WANTS TO BE THE VICTIM,,,, I SAY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH OF THIS,,, THERE ARE TWO BABIES INVOLVED, AND I FEAR FOR THEIR SAFETY………………………….PLEASE KEEPARTICLES LIKE THIS APPEARING, IT WILL SAVE THE SUPPORTER,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,THANK YOU AND MERRY CHRISTMAS…………….GRANDMA MARILYN.
Hi Dave
It is necessary for my wife to stand up to my moodiness and irrational behaviour. If she does not stand up to me, I can take the wrong options such as encouraging a manic episode just because it feels good.
Based on your e-mail Take A Strong Stand, I have a question. First, a little background. Last week Dec.2 the person I’m supporting lied to me. I knew she was upset when she called on her way home. I told her to call when she got home. She said she’s going home and go right to sleep and call later. Within less than an hour, I was going to the store and saw her car at another location. I left a note on her windsheild, ” Call me when you wake up”. Wensday that same week I confronted her about the lie because she knowingly lied. Her response,” I’ll about this after I talk to my counseler. Why does she put me off? She has a thing about people lying. Have I over reacted?
Hello, My name is Audrey, I am 46 years old and have been sufferring from Bipolar 2 for 7 years now. My problem right now is the fact that my friend and others accuse me of not having a illness that bipolar does not exist. I have sent them infor on the illness and it still has not helped. When I tell someone that I am on disabilty because of my illness they think I am using the system and so is evryone esle. They have know idea what it is like to live with Bipolar. I have been to hell and back. My family life has been on the ups and downs for years. When my grand daughters were born my daughters would not trust me to baby sit while they work. This was a big heart break for me. I know that I have been a very hard person to live with. But my husband Brian is always there for me and never yells at me for the way I may be acting on certain days. I am always on a high manic mood. Don’t know why. But I do sit withhim and tell him what I am feeling and he calms me down, never yelling at me. To the one lady who wanted to know if drugs could have triggered The Bi polar in her son, my belief is yes. This is the first blog I have posted. One more thing. I am a penpal to several from around the world, u would not believe how many people tell me they also have Bipolar. So If you have a loved one with Bipolar it might be good for you to get some counseling to try and help you deal with this illnes and then you will know what to do in a bipolar episode. It helped my husband alot. Thanks for listening. I just don’t know why my friend would of accused me of faking the illness. She has no idea what I go through. Nobody believes I shopuld take the meds. Without the meds I am not able to cope with daily living and I am just a mess.
Hopefully, I won’t seem offensive while responding to Teri’s post. Teri, it is a real challenge for some supporters, even myself, to separate behavior attributed to bipolar disorder and stuff that happens that’s fundamentally “normal”. As a supporter I think it’s easy to get “lost” to these things. Being vigilant most of the time, it does become difficult to differentiate between the two. Then there’s the anger and internalizing that takes place as well, as I wonder if she even realizes what it is that I go through when she’s cycling and the amount of financial and emotional damage that has occurred or
sorry, I’m struggling with this computer. …was prevented from occurring. There are so many dimensions to my thinking and emotional responses as a supporter that there are times when it becomes very difficult to keep it all in check. Now, I’m not going to say that it’s the responsibility of our loved ones to look into this, quite the contrary. It’s my job to keep my stuff in check and do what I can to become better in mine, and my partner’s lives. Just like it’s my partner’s job to take care of herself. But, we’re ultimately in it together, and hopefully that will be a long time to come, i just wanted you to know that it’s difficult on those closest to someone with bpd and for all to “be in it” means to check into their own shit. Thanks.
What a joy to receive this newsletter today! I finally stood up to my son this past weekend and laid out ‘rules’ that he has to follow in order for us to help him. We can not force him to get the needed help – he has to want to do it himself. He is separated from his wife and has put their family in financial distress. He’s on meds, but not doing anything other than the meds to help himself. We have decided to only help him if he gets back into therapy, let us help him get his finances in order and just plain try harder. I wish I would’ve done this months ago! He is going back to therapy today – and this time with his wife! I can still see the anger in him toward his wife, but I’m hopeful because he is going. He’s agreed to let us help him get his finances in order to start paying off his bills. I feel terrible that we have to treat him like a child, but he has left us no choice. I really believe tough love is our last resort.
So thank you Dave! Your newsletter made me feel not so guilty about taking a stand. His actions have affected our whole family and we’ve decided that we can’t let him tear the rest of us apart if he doesn’t want to help himself. I’m hoping and praying his attitude now keeps going in the positive direction and that he isn’t ‘fooling’ us into believing he really wants help.
My best Friend is Bi-polar and he goes off on me all the time.He wont go see a Doc he want take pills,his dad is dead and his mum doesn’t know about her son.And sometimes when he goes off on me i feel like giving him a piece of my mind.but then i always think”well he can’t help it”so i sallow it.But reading up on Bi-polar has not only helped my friend but it’s helped me understand it a lot better.He still snaps at me but now i hardly get mad.I’m always going to be there for him no matter what happens.Thank you so much Dave.And thank you so much Elisabeth for everything that you’ve said.it’s really truly opened my eyes and heart.
My Husband of 23 years (diagnosed with bipolar approx. 7 yrs. ago) can be my personal guage to my boundaries or lack thereof. He responds to me with love, kindness, respect, etc… the good things of a close relationship, as he is able. And as I set boundaries. I see he treats me exactly how I expect to be treated. He and I know each other well.
When things have gone bad between us, I try to see my part in the problem. Blaming him just keeps the problem in our lives. I am only responsible for my part and I expect him to do his.
Love is not always easy. We have to learn as we go.
As we become aware. Dave’s forum can be a helpful tool for standard’s of behavior.
Throughout life, people (not just those who have bipolar) will try to push our boundaries, for whatever their reasons. The better you know them, the easier it might be to know why and be able to help them. Although, people are just people, so we know it could be something they fear or maybe it’s guilt. Some responses just don’t make sence, because of our own ignorance. Be careful how you judge if you value the relationship! Closed and locked doors can be very hard to reopen, especially once you lose the key.
People will keep doing what we allow. We must ask ourself, “Why, do we allow this disrespect?”. Forgiveness is an awesome gift! But, are we allowing the same treatment over and over, again? That seems to me a relationship without balance, respect or appreciation. A warning sign that we must cause something to change, if we want to be happy.
When my husband treats me well, I know WE have accomplished much!
Just one opinion. May God Bless You! vicky
Hi Dave,
Hope all the sick people get well soon.
I agree totally with what Elizabeth wrote and your reply. My son is bipolar amongst other mental disorders. He is the king of manipulation and it is hard work keeping the boundaries but essential for all concerned. His wife has custody of their little boy but generously allows my son to see his son far more often than the judge decreed as long as my son acts normally.
It was the best thing she could have done for it forced our son to get help. We had already stopped enabling him and refused to allow him to live in our home due to his behaviour and total lack of responsability. When he called me some years back to say he had totalled my new car, I called emergency services. He was over the drink/drive limit and had to take responsability for his actions. I am so thankful he did not maim or kill anyone at the time. I have told him he was not born insane, he simply has to deal with his disorder and there is a battery of help out there. The choice is his. He wants his wife and child back but has a long road ahead before any chance of that happening. In the meantime he has recently contacted a pyschiatric dept., to get himself sorted from A to Z. We can only hope and pray.
Just read this after another go-round with dearbipolardaughter. She has taken to threats about turning my granddaughter against me now that her “I hate yous” and vicious comments about my parenting of hers no longer work. She’s exactly like my mother though, so I’m used to that style of fighting. I try and help my granddaughter (nearly 4) because I know what its like ot live with a bipolar mom. dear daughter is pregnant with second child and of course not on meds. I can only hope that this time she does get medication after the baby is born. its funny, but I think I talk to her boyfriend more than I talk to her most of the time because he’s the only one who really gets it. He’s been wonderful enough to tolerate her for about 6 years and I’m terrified he won’t have the endurance I do and then….ugh.
Hi My son just passed away on Sept 19.He was Bi polar.We used boundaries and that made things worse.He went to a friends house and never came home! Stars ambulance flew him to the hospital.He was found in a coma.THe next day the Dr’S pronounced him brain dead .Mydaughter and myself are still looking for answeres WHY! I’m heart broken and devastated ! I thank Dave for all that he has done!Dianne
How do we know when youyou or one of your loved ones have bipolar? My daughter gets into these moods and just last night we had a major blowout and next day she is sorry. No, she has not been diagnosed with even depression, but these episodes are coming more often. Like every two weeks or so when before they were far and few between. She is a single mom and has two children 3 and 5. I feel truly bad about all the yelling and screaming that my grandchildren are experiencing. Dave, if you or anyone out there has any advice or feedback let me know. thank you again for your emials.
David
The girl I care about is not even my girl friend but I love her so much. She is bipolar and is by far the greatest, most intelligent and most beautiful person I’ve ever met. There are times when our deep friendship is tested, but thanks to your messages I have gained a real good understanding of her and her behaviour at times. I understand how to help her through an episode even if I get frustrated about what i can acually do, at least i understand her actions and I’m the first person she calls upon. I hope I get the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with her, she’s worth it, despite the obvious down side.
Thanks for your advise, it’s proved to be invaluable in building up my understanding of her and I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love her.
Thanks
Mark
Hi Dave, Elisabeth!
I have nothing to question this article. My comment is more on the behavior of people. It doesn’t matter really if they are true bipolar or not. You should know the saying from Maupassant: “As long as I know the people more, as more I prefer my dog”.
It is a good thing, Eli, you have presented such order. But what I wish to note is that you should consider than laws are almost nothing to deal with reality. I agree that people in your circumstances consult lawyers and counselors, it is the right way, but never disregard the fact that they are professionally biased, and they know very little about live beyond their careers. So besides
Sorry, I clicked the button accidentally!
Continuing:
So, besides the legal actions, which will work for legal matters, you must be watchful about the physical concerns in your live. If this person is of violent nature, he most likely will use the pathology as an excuse to look for vengeance.
I suggest you to contact the police and social affairs departments, to get them aware about the affair. Also share your concerns with your family and true friends. And by your own side, try to improve your personal security, if you have no option to completely change your life from now on. It will be better if this guy won’t know more about you for the rest of his life.
Best wishes
Dave – I’m sorry you have sooo much illness in your staff, forcing you to do most of the work yourself. Just remember – even if you’re NOT bipolar, you STILL need to take care of yourself, like get enough sleep!!
To DIANNE: You have my sympathy on the loss of your son. And not having any answers, must be especially hard on you right now. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time for you.
My Mom set boundaries, but they were essentially not stated. She just treated me as if I were “normal,” not really believing in “mental illness.” She believed my hospitalizations for full-blown mania were for PHYSICAL reasons! But part of her treatment of me was as an enabler. After she died, a neighbor said, “Your Mom treated you as if you were a 3-year-old.” This hurt – but she was right. She was a VERY strong-willed individual, and what Mama said, Mama MEANT. It was HER way or the HIGHWAY…it took me YEARS after her death to really stand on my own two feet, and take responsibility for my actions.
I never had a hospitalization after she died. I was a landlady for 30 years, and had responsibilities in the apartment house. I think it took her death for me to finally GROW UP. Of course, I had mini-episodes, but these were handled by the mental health professionals at the local Community Mental Health Clinic on an out-patient basis.
I STILL don’t do EVERYTHING right; I have financial problems caused by “plastic” overuse, and a tax debt caused by my CPA failing to file a return. But – I’m in the process of refinancing my mortgage, so that will take care of some of the problems.
Yes – I was BABIED through most of my life. My last hospitalization was when I was 29. My Mom died when I was 42; a LOOONG time to be treated like someone who couldn’t take care of themselves!! But – through trial-and-error, I’ve become an independent, highly-functional bipolar, and though my life is not a bed of roses, I AM able to COPE.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
I am 21 and was diagnosed at 14, though I knew something was wrong since around preschool. Anyway, I feel guilty because my parents are not always honest with me when my actions are inappropriate because they are afraid I will harm or try to kill myself. I take everything extremely personally which is something I am working on. However, I know my parents hold back criticism or let me treat them in ways I should not because they think I am too fragile to be corrected. So, in the end, they bottle it up and explode on each other and sometimes me. *sigh*. It sucks.
Dave, I just wanted to say the last two e-mails you typed and sent to me were spot on for my situation, or very close. The one above about taking a stand, I just recently had to do. The previous one about what to do when your loved one refuses medication, was also very very informative, familiar, and in some way, confidence building for a supporter.
I, for one, know advocacy is the only road that will bring the quickest results for all of us suffering from the direct, and the peripheral spray of bipolar disorder.
The NAMI counselor also had good words I’ll had here: It’s like your bipolar one is on a sinking ship, she jumps off it with a life vest, screams for help – you jump in the water to help, and she pulls you down with her as she sinks.
Mostly preventable, now that we are all armed to the teeth with powerful information meant to annihilate the bipolar monster.
These last two e-mails you sent, under duress no less due to so many ill staff, were clear concise, and simply great. I think you are great at what you do for the little people out there who cannot afford the proper care for this disorder – which is the majority of us out here.
We need cures.
It has been nearly a four year rollercoaster ride since re-connecting with my high school sweetheart. I was so ecstatic to re-connect with her that I jumped in with both feet and threw caution to the wind. It wasn’t long however before I new something wasn’t quite right. We had moved in together quickly, mistake number one, when I began to feel like I was walking on eggshells. She started to exhibit mood cycles where she loved me for two weeks and wanted me to move out the other two weeks. Each time I made preparations to move out she would change her mind and ask me to stay and apologize for the hard times, and I thinking that, ok, things are going to get better, would decide to stay. Things unfortunately didn’t get better. Things got worse. As I got to know her family better, it became clear that she had a family history of mental illness. Her mother, sister, and two brothers all have varying degrees of manic-depression. Everyone except her of course. To even suggest that she may be suffering from bipolar disorder or psychlemic disorder would be start world war three. One night her 18 yearold son, who I now also suspect to be suffering from bipolar disorder, suffered a heroin overdose. Immediately upon discovering him in a death rattle, I called 911. Luckily he survived, later she accused me of delaying the 911 call, proposing that I had intended him to expire. You can only imagine the hurt I had in my heart at the mere suggestion of something so outrageously absurd. I should have ended the relationship then and there, but instead I moved out thinking that maybe not living together would reduce the stress on the relationship and allow some healing to take place. It helped for a little while but then things went back to getting worse. From being accused of sleeping with the boss’ wife to even filing a restraining order against her which the judge rescinded saying that she was not a physical threat. Maybe not, but she sure was wreaking havoc on me emotionally. I love this woman but I finally realized that you can’t help her if she doesn’t want help herself. Several times we planned to get counseling but for some reason we never went. The week before this past thanksgiving we spoke like everything was great. This is the red flag that always precedes the meltdown. Everything is great and then the self implosion. No invitation to thanksgiving, no phone call, no I love you, no screw you, nothing. In the past I would always be the one to call and she would apologize for all the hard times. Boundries, I’ve learned the hard way need to be set. I have not called. I will not call, nor will I accept a call. Treat people the way you want to be treated she would say. She needs to learn to be accountable and responsible for her actions. It is sad. I wish things weren’t the way they were, but I deserve better and if I can’t get it from her then it’s time to move on. I hate that she refuses to get help and denying her irrational behavior, but Dave is right, sometimes you have to accept the situation and let it go. I’m just venting, cause I’m still hurting over the whole ordeal, but I know things will get better.
What an absolutely necessary email to get! Not just for me, I’m sure for others. I had to leave my bipolar husband after the physical and emotional abuse became too much. My blood pressure and stress level were sky high. We are both living hand-to-mouth now financially but there is no way I would go back because he is not getting help. He has pre-existing conditions (diabetes besides bipolar) so his job won’t cover him. I kept him on my coverage but he can’t even afford the copay so he rarely sees his psychiatrist or therapist. We went to a counselor once but he make excuses not to go back. Basically again its because of the money. But I will not go back to taking abuse, no one should.
Hi everyone
I had a long term relationship with a wonderful man who was diagnosed as BP two years ago. Since then everything changed in our lives. He was hospitalized twice due to a manic depression and he was very suicidal. Even though he is on the combo medication and all other sorts of therapies he got manic two months ago , he got involved in a few internet relationships trying to convinced a couple of girls to meet him ( it did not work though). He told me when I came to visit him that he is very unhappy with me, that I am not a women for him and that he needs a big change in his life. He wanted us to stay friends , he phoned me a few times after but I could not answer the phone – I was scared of being more hurt by him. Some of our mutual friends visited him recently and said that he was doing fine, he is not manic anymore. I would like to have an answer and closure on this pain but from someone who is bipolar – please tell me what is really going on in mind of BP when something like this happens ? Do they regret after the things they said and have done? Do they even remember what they did when they were manic. And what is my main concern is the fact that no matter on med and cognitive behavioral therapy with the best therapists – he still got manic ( prior to mania he had mixed episodes for a few weeks ). We were together for 10 years, we were best friends and now he does not even want to see me or mention my name to our mutual friends. It is really painful. Please advise.
Hi Dave,
Thanks for your article. Boundaries are crucial in EVERY relationship. Just because it’s someone you love, doesn’t mean you have to take any crap from them. Bipolar or not.
My sibling is bipolar (so am I). I’m on meds in therapy etc, etc. My sibling decided he wasn’t bipolar, went off meds any therapy and goes traveling. He has no job, no money, no place to call home, but “isn’t bipolar”. He suffered a severe episode that landed him in the hospital for over a month. He was homicidal and suicidal. We convinced him to go in or my sil would put a restraining order on him because he threatened them. Why the heck am I going into all this? Well, he has ruined his credit to the point he’ll never be able to repay it. Keeps “RUNNING” to other states. He gets himself into a financial jam over and over and comes to the family for bail out money again and again. His personality is flighty and he uses people. My parents have enabled this behavior for a long time and still my mother bails him out. They don’t know what a boundary is. I didn’t do something for him and he blew me off and his true personality came out. A self centered ….individual. He wanted their car after he sold his to go off to another COUNTRY. Another bail out to get him back home and he want’s their car. He knows no boundary.
I have enough problems keeping myself in check and balanced without having to deal with his schemes and the aftermath. What’s my point? You have to keep boundaries in place because if you don’t you may enable the behavior or worse be taken advantage of. What is a boundary? When you say you have had enough and draw the line. It’s a way of saying no. Knowing your limits and setting them.