Hi,
Hope your day is going well.
I am already behind schedule and it’s only the morning.
Okay a friend of mind told me this story about when she was vacationing on the beach in Florida:
One morning, she was having coffee on her patio overlooking the beach (some vacation, huh?), and she saw this pelican fly into a tree (I didn’t even know pelicans could fly, did you?).
Anyway, this pelican got stuck in the tree. Every little while, it would flap its wings, but no go. So it would just sit there for awhile and try again, but still no go. My friend just sat there, watching this pelican…
And watching…
And watching…
Until… To hear the end of the story, scroll down…
Keep scrolling…
Almost there…
Ok, here’s what happened: After about an hour… The pelican just flew away! So here’s the question:
Was the pelican really stuck in the first place, or was it just taking a sun bath? LOL
But here was my friend’s point, and why she told me this story:
See, she’s a supporter of a loved one with bipolar disorder, and she knows I do a lot of work with supporters.
She also knows that in my courses/systems, I teach about the difference between being a good supporter and being an enabler:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
So how does this relate to my friend and her story?
She was saying that several times when watching (what she thought was) that stuck pelican, she wanted to go over and rescue it.
Just like she wants to rescue her husband every time he gets himself “stuck.”
So her question to me, just like so many emails I get from other supporters, was this:
How do you know when you’re being a good supporter and when you’re being an enabler?
Well, I go into detail about enabling in my course, but simply put:
ENABLING is when you do something for the other person that they can (should) do for themselves. The question of whether you’re a good supporter or an enabler becomes tricky when you’re dealing with a loved one in an episode.
Do you cover for them?
Do you rescue them?
Do you “fix” the situation?
Do you try to make things easier for them?
Do you accept unacceptable behavior?
Do you tolerate things from them that you would never tolerate from anyone else?
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As difficult as these questions are, these could be signs of an enabler. OR…
Do you make them take responsibility for their actions?
Do you allow them to suffer the consequences of their own poor decisions and bad behavior?
Do you set limits and boundaries (and stick to them)?
Do you make it clear that you will not accept unacceptable behavior?
When they get “stuck,” do you make them get themselves out of their own jam?
———————————————————————-
As difficult as these second set of questions are, these are signs of a good supporter instead of an enabler. I know it’s hard, because you care for your loved one. But if you continue to rescue them, they’ll continue to let you.
What do you think?
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post responses below
I REALLY NEEDED THIS AT THIS !! being a supporter rather than an enabler is very hard to know the difference!! thanks
My Mom was an enabler – and she didn’t even know it!! She would do EVERYTHING for me – including manis and pedis – to the point where I would ALLOW her to “take over” my life, even at the age of being in my late 20s and 30s.
To cut her some slack – she NEVER believed I even HAD a “mental illness.” To her, I was suffering some unheard-of PHYSICAL disability, and she treated me as if my abnormal behavior was just a “quirk.” I was as much at fault as she was – sure, it’s NICE to have everything done for you, and have Mom bail you out of your financial “boo-boos.” BUT –
it did NOT help me GROW and learn how to be self-sufficient.
It was when she had the beginnings of Alzheimer’s, that I became the enabler/supporter. I was RESPONSIBLE for HER and her well-being. Finally putting her in a nursing home, became for me, my liberation. I was married at the time, and taking care of my Mom AND my husband was hard, but I was no longer under the CARE of my Mom. I HAD to stand on my own two feet, and finally become accountable for my actions.
It was after her death that I became LIBERATED; I never had another full-blown manic episode, only mini-episodes that were taken care of on an out-patient basis. I even maintained a certain equilibrium after the deaths of my two husbands; I had NO one else to take care of ME.
YES – I miss the financial support of my Mom and my husbands; and YES, I miss “being taken care of.” But – that is NOT emancipation. The BIG difference between being an “enabler” and being a “supporter” is all in how you ALLOW your bipolar loved one to live under your boundaries and limits. If you do EVERYTHING for them, they become SPOILED, and will allow you to take care of them. They will NOT grow, and become self-sufficient. Take if from me – I’ll be 61 in February, and am only NOW becoming the woman I was meant to be.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
I was a enabler to my daughter whom I don’t believe has any mental problems and to my brother who is bi-polar. I let them both live with me for long periods of time more time for my brother, they never paid a dime to help me with bills. At this time I was on disability and I still am, because of my intentions to make things better for them, I made the situation for myself bad. I had to move out of the house I loved, because I had spent every dim I had trying to help them, and then to come find out I wasnt helping I was just hurting them. I have leaned a hard but valuable lesson from this and I’m trying to be the supporter not the enabler.
May everyone learn a lesson in life, and I hope you don’ have to lose your home i the process. God Bless
My situation is complicated because my adult son is bi-polar AND has Asperger’s syndrome and also Tourette’s syndrome. It is So Hard to know
what to expect of him and how far we can push him to be “normal”. Any help would be appreciated.
This is like raising a child or teenager, enabeling does not teach the skills they need when they become an adult.
Yes, there is truly a fine line between enabling and being a supporter. The hard part is to figure out when to help and when to not help, let them do it for themself. Today, my daughter got herself on the bus and went to the pharmacy and got her medication that she didn’t earlier notice she was out of, instead of waiting for me to come drive her there after I was done at work. This is the first time! Yeah!
there are 10 people working for this lady, 24-7 and I am one of them. I am the main supporter as the other girls have other jobs so they are all partime. It is very hard to stick to rules when you are the only one sticking to them. Upsets me to no end. I can predict what is coming next with this lady. It is a complete circle with her. It is the same all the time. No change. I know that might sound bizaar but it is true. THe episodes may be harsher then some others but it really does go in a complete circle.
I have been attemptining to support my adult daughter for several years now. She is 55. I am 80 next Birthday. It is not fun tothink your Daughter is in this state. She does follow the profile so well. Even Dr. Aimens on PBS has talked about the brain conditions that can change. Ihave been really allowing her to get away with just wretched meaness and back biting behavior that amazes me. She has lost so many jobs it is hard to count them and has good skills. As my Grandson has been involved too and is a late bloomer. it has given me some contact with him but he lives with her and she feeds him all this poison. Just last week over the Thanksgiving when I had called to ask her to come for T. G and just let by gones be bygones ( whatever she has been sunk in in her list of resentments) Instead of having the good grace to call me she calls my very best friend and goes off on her about all of the list of things she
hates about me.This is my friend who is like a sister too me. She is 87/ She told her all this ranting was foolish r and she needs to get over her problems and maybe see a Psychiatrist. She of course was not iinterested. I have been helping her since 2003 and this last shot has been the last harah for me as my health profile and age is just not taking this well. I know she was not abused or mistreated as a child and that is what hurts. I feel sorry for my Grandson and I have tried to tell him his Mom shows all the signs of Bi Polar but he has not clued into what this means yet.
I have been attemptining to support my adult daughter for several years now. She is 55. I am 80 next Birthday. It is not fun tothink your Daughter is in this state. She does follow the profile so well. Even Dr. Aimens on PBS has talked about the brain conditions that can change after several auto accidents. . Ihave been really allowing her to get away with just wretched meaness and back biting behavior that amazes me. She has lost so many jobs it is hard to count them and has good skills. As my Grandson has been involved too and is a late bloomer. it has given me some contact with him but he lives with her and she feeds him all this poison. Just last week over the Thanksgiving when I had called to ask her to come for T. G and just let by gones be bygones ( whatever she has been sunk in in her list of resentments) Instead of having the good grace to call me she calls my very best friend and goes off on her about all of the list of things she hates about me.My friend who is like a sister too meis 87/ She told her all this ranting was foolish r and she needs to get over her problems and maybe see a Psychiatrist. She of course was not iinterested. I have been helping her since 2003 and this last shot has been the last harah for me as my health profile and age is just not taking this well. I know she was not abused or mistreated as a child and that is what hurts. I feel sorry for my Grandson and I have tried to tell him his Mom shows all the signs of Bi Polar but he has not clued into what this means yet.
We cannot talk to my brother. He will not take his medicine. He cusses us every turn we make. We have put him up in motels to which the police have to remove him. We finally found him a duplex but he is disturbing the peace because he has his tv up too load. We told him that he is being evicted. He started to scream and tell us they are not going to evict him. He said some really bad things to us so we left. Eventually he will be on the cold street. He will not take his meds. Doe sit seem cruel to let him roam the streets?
I do not know what the moderation sentence is about and if any one knows how to correct the duplication I would appreciate if you could erase the first one as there is a duplicate.
now my entire entry has gone and I am too sleepy to write this over. What is with this site. Good idea needs work.
I was an enabler until my daughter reached eighteen this year. I have seen her make the same mistakes over and over. I expected her to learn from them but she never did. So a few weeks after her birthday i sat her down and explained to her that she needed to start really thinking about consequences because i couldn’t save her anymore; and she has a child to think about as well.
I hope she will continue to do this; when she gets off the right road, i push her back and so far she is listening. I hope……
Yes, it is easy to be an enabler,and harder to be a supporter. Tough love, I suppose. But as you well know, sometimes you have to enable in order to help. I have been critisized for accepting bad behavior in a loved one with bipolar, but you have to allow for this, as most of the time its just part of their chemistry. If people realized that bipolar people have to try 50% harder to deal with situations that other people deal with so easily, they would not be so harsh and realize that you cant support with out enabling.
I am bipolar and my husband is one week sober. We are codependent, I am learning. I go to a twelve-step meaning for support and he just started going to a different kind of meeting. Its not easy, but we both seem to hold each other responsible, because neither of us can handle any more on our plate. We do the best we can. We have a home and children. We are pursuing counseling to help heal the emotional damage we have done to our children. Its difficult, but take one day at a time!
Chris
David, as a sufferer of bipolar,if it wasn’t for the support of my partner’s understanding of how crazy my thinking can be because of my illness i’d have commited suicide along time ago.when my head goes crazy,at the time i feel totally rational and feel the whole world is against me,have you any idea how scary it is later to realise my brain is telling me one thing and next it tells me how crazy i behaved,to realise that in fact i have a mental illness.not something i like admitting.my point is that if my partner did not help me and support me,i could not do it on my own because i’d have no-one to tell me when i was being totally irrational.i need help to survive.
I used to be an enabler until this year. My father was diagnosed with bi polar 20 years ago and had manic episodes twice a year every year. I thought i was doing the right thing by trying to stop him from getting in trouble, keeping a check on his finances and generally doing everything he demanded of me just to make him take his tablets or get him into hospital, The episodes continued until 6 years ago when he was stable but 4 months ago he relapsed! This time I have set boundaries and he has not respected them so I am standing firm and sticking to what I said would happen if he crossed my boundaries….so far it is working.It is hard because i feel guilty but i have to protect myself and ensure that he learns that he is responsible for his actions. I have never done this before, however, he has never took responsibility for himself before so fingers crossed we will make huge steps in his self management of his illness. I dont know if anyone else feels like this but I think my dads coping mechanism for stress is to stop taking his meds and go manic, I really want him to learn that there are other tools to cope with life.
BIPOLAR PEOPLE NEED ALOT OF LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING. BOUNDARIES, BORDERS, ECT. LOVE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT…FOR IT TRULY IS SUFFERING. THINGS LEARNED IN KINDEGARDEN ….SHOULD BE APPLICABLE FOR ANYONE BIPOLAR OR NOT.
Could someone please tell me what to do when I am trying to be a supporter not an enabler. When the lady I support is in a manic episode, do I walk away from her, do I sit there and take the abuse, how do I handle this????? I know when the episodes are coming, I just don’t know what to do. I have tried everything at this point and to tell you the truth I am ready to walk away. It is my responsibility to help her when she is in an episode because she is totally unable to help hersef but she gets so abusive and tells me to get away from her. I try talking to her but of course it doesn’t work, she just gets more and more abusive. She landed punches on me today, it totally shocked me. She has never done that before. We usually get along good. I didn’t do anything different then I usually do. I know the cause of this episode but I can’t do anything to deter it. I don’t profess to know it all, I guess I am just at the breaking point these last few weeks. Thankyou
Hi Jeannie1,
I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. I don’t know what you have tried, but have you tried letting her ride it out? I would not sit there and take abuse, for that I’d get up and walk away. I would not interject if that puts fuel to her manic fire. Since the more you try the worse she gets can you let it go without trying to “talk her down” and see how that goes? Don’t sit there and let her punch you! Back away!
Thanks Dave for the letter. Great topic!
I think we all have the potential to enable or support. You have put a finer point on it here with the lists… Thank You!!
My boyfriend, who I love very much and who loves me just as much, left me on Monday because I had been letting my bi polar disorder control my life. I was mean and hurtful for no reason at all. I blamed him for the majority of the unhappiness in my life and the things I did attribute to bipolar disorder I made excuses for, saying I couldn’t control it and there was nothing I could do about it. I basically told him to take or leave it so he left. And I don’t really blame him. I just wish I had realized what I could do to fight this before it was too late and i’ve lost the best man I will ever know.