Hi,
How’s it going? I hope you are doing well.
You may remember about 10 days ago or so someone
who works for me, helping me out with my organization
that helps both supporters and survivors of bipolar
disorder, quit with zero notice.
In addition to that, she left a trail of a whole
lot of problems. It’s actually amazing when I
look at the list. Oh well I have to deal with it.
The good news is that I have a great team of people
who have come together to help me and I have hired
someone else as well. BUT, it takes time to unscramble
someone else’s mess.
It’s odd but this reminded me of when I was trying
to unscramble my mom’s mess.
On the descriptions of my systems/courses:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
You’ll notice that I talk about coming into my mom
and dad’s house and going into my mom’s room
and seeing 5 feet of bills 3 inches high. That might
sound like an exaggeration but it is NOT. I have the
proof. For some reason, I saved EVERYTHING that I had
from my mom. I have a record of all the d.ebts and bills
she had. There were a TON.
I will never forgot asking myself, “am I really seeing
what I am seeing?” There were so many bills and d.ebts
it was beyond comprehension.
In addition to this, there were so many problems that
I didn’t even know where to start.
This is sort of how I feel with the person who quit.
I am “discovering” lots of things that weren’t done
and lots of phone calls not handled.
Right now I am in the process of cleaning it all up.
Yesterday I was in the gym and explaining the situation
to someone I am friends with. And he said,
“Aren’t you worried that there are things she did
you will never know” Aren’t you worried that she
has created way more problems than you know about?”
He was referring to the person who quit with zero
notice.
Then I got to thinking about something. Worry and bipolar
disorder how those two go together.
So I wanted to tell you a couple of things about it
in my daily email today.
First, back in the day I use to worry ALL the time
about my mom. I would worry about:
Can I get her into treatment
Will treatment work?
Will we ever find a doctor?
Will she ever be able to pay off her de.bts?
Will I have to support her for the rest of her life?
Can I ever have a life?
What will my next girlfriend think of my mom?
Can I support my mom and ever get married?
Will my brother ever talk to me again?
Will my mom follow the system that I set up?
What if my mom’s medication fails?
What is my dad has a stroke?
What is my mom’s mom dies and causes her to go into an episode
What is my mom calls one of my friends and says crazy things to them?
Will my friends think that I am strange that I have a mom with
bipolar disorder?
The list goes on and on and on. I use to lay in bed and worry
all night long. I am not kidding when I say that I use
to get about 2 to 3 hours sleep a night for about a 9 months
or so.
I felt like I was in a kind of prison. And then one day…
I STOPPED WORRYING ABOUT THINGS I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER
Actually here is what happen and this is a true story.
I say it’s a true story because people always write me
and ask, “Dave, is that a true story?” All my stories
are true I don’t make things up.
Anyway, one day I was in one of my favorite places—
the library. I was looking for “programs” and “things”
for people with bipolar disorder. I actually didn’t
find a thing because our state failed to organization
any sort of logical database or book of programs
for people with bipolar disorder.
Anyway I was sitting there and decided I was dead
tired so I was looking for a chair to sit and
relax it instead of sitting at a desk. I had
put in a solid 4 hours of researching in the
library so I was tired.
Anyway, I found a chair and in it was a book:
“How to Stop Worrying and Start Living”
and since at this time I was worrying 24 hours
a day I was like “Hey this book is for me.”
Then an older guy walked by and saw me reading it
and said to me, “That’s a good book, changed
my life, you should read it son. It’s good. You
read books, don’t you?” I said yes and told him
about my mom and guess what? Well he had a family
member with bipolar disorder that had vanished.
NOTE-If you talk about bipolar disorder, you will
find up to 33% of people have someone very close
to them that has the disorder.
Anyway, so I started reading the book. Here’s
the deal, I can’t get into the strategies but
the book is EXCELLENT. I read it 3 times
that day. It’s a quick read.
If you are worrying from bipolar disorder you should
get it right away from amazon.com or the library.
It’s super cheap like under $5. You can spring
for it.
I don’t make a dime if you buy it but you should.
I find that worry and bipolar disorder is terrible.
It destroy you. I really felt that I worried so much
about my mom, I thought on any given day I was going
to die from a stroke or some kind of massive anxiety
attack. I seriously think if I was older and not
in as good of shape at the time, it would have happen.
In addition to the book I mentioned, I think the
other part of not worrying too much about a loved
one’s bipolar disorder is having the knowledge of
what to expect, how to handle things and how to
react.
When you don’t know these things, you worry. My
dad still worries all the time about my mom’s
bipolar disorder.
Why? He doesn’t know how to handle any potential
problems that might arise because he has been
lazy with studying all of my material that
he can get for f.ree.
Me on the other hand, I am not worried about
my mom’s episodes any more because I know
EXACTLY what to do. For each problem that might
arise I have a solution and a back up solution
if the first solution fails. I also know how
to problem solve with bipolar problems.
I really have this down to a science. You can
too it just takes time.
I feel really, really, really, really bad when
I talk to people who are all stressed out and
worrying about their loved one. I try my
best to give them hope but I know they
are suffering.
The good news is, if this is you, you can
get a lot of stuff from me to reduce your
feeling that you have to worry.
Well, I have to run for the day and head off
to the gym.
Your Friend,
Dave
P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com
My big problem is I do worry. But I do because I still don’t understand b/p. How do I know when I’m in an episode, if I’m out of one or going into one. What do I do? How do I know? How can I deal with it if I don’t know what “it” is? Yep! I worry.
First of all let me say I LOVE the informative emails!!!!! With that said, I worry ALL the time. I am a supporter of BPD. I have 3 children and 1 has BDP/ADHD/ODD, he is 10 and 1 has Mood Disorder/ADHD/ODD she is 6. My 13 yr. old is just your typical teenage boy. I worry worry worry about my 10 yr. old because the town we live in and school district he attends, they will not hesitate to put my son in juvenile hall. We have a WONDERFUL psychiatrist, absolutely patient psychotherapist, he is one medication and has been since he was 5. It has been a loooooong road thus far. My son does not belong in the criminal system, he is too smart for that. Even his teachers and school principal say this. But yet, what do they do…..they put him into an alternative school full of children that will NEVER go anywhere or be anything but criminals. Yep, I worry ALL the time.
I printed out your first e-mail that I received (45 pages) because my granddaughter had been diagnosed as being bi-polar. After reading over your e-mail, she does not display any of the symptoms you described. I don’t know what I can do at this point.Thanks for your very informative e-mails. I will be praying for your Mom. God bless you. Barb
First, about the debt and your mom. Why the TONS of debt accumulated? I know that people with bipolar can easily create debt while in a manic phase. To have it go on for years and accumulate with the description you have, where was your Dad’s intervention to take over the bills? Are you saying that he was an enabler? Are you putting your dad and you and your siblings as victims(I know, you were kids, so that makes sense), and all the power was given over to your mom? Maybe your Dad felt overwhelmed and didn’t reach out to professionals.
If someone doesn’t know if they are bipolar and they worry about it, then they need to be evaluated by a professional — they can get a second opinion. On the websites I’ve listed below there’s also some evaluating questionnaires that are helpful to give you an idea if you are bipolar. You then can print it out and take it with you to your first visit. It will give you listings of professionals in your area and also if you can’t afford services.
Recently, like since the mid 1990’s, you couldn’t find bipolar information in your library? You have a computer? Google? The American Psychiatric Association website, About.com website and search on bipolar, The Depression and Bipolar Alliance Organization, the National Alliance of Mental Illness, The National Institute of Mental Health webstie, and the National Mental Health Association.
For another website of support with chat, harbor-of-refuge website, the support chat.
I’m sure plenty of people appreciate all the support and work you do on your website. It would be helpful if you would add websites such as I mentioned to get more information as they have had questions about, that could be answered. There is more than one place to get answers. Maybe you didn’t get answers when you were looking, but sites are updated all the time.
We all struggle with worrying and learning how to reduce the amount of time we do it as well the stress attached to it. At some point when we aren’t paralyzed from it, we need to get up and do something about what we are worrying about – get active and either educate ourselves, make that dr. appointment, or whatever it is to make us a healthier person.
I am happy I decided to read your email a few weeks ago, I went to the doctor and I helped my son get some help. Turns out he was diagnosed ADD/ADHD, but now that I think about some of your emails, I think I may have inherited my mothers Bipolar disorder. I can’t hold a job very long since Sept of 2004. I left my husband of 10 years due to his cheating and abuse. I can’t seem to go an hour without worrying about my finances, my kids, about finding a job and keeping it. I feel like my head has a wire that is all mixed up and can’t get a good reception. One day I’m on top of the world and then another I wonder if my kids would be better off with their father. My children see my mood swings and I try not to let them know what is going on. My eight year old feels much better with his new medication he can actually learn at school now. But as for me I can’t get it together.
After I got my first email today, I thought it was a mini lesson, but it was strange that it said, “as you may remember 10 days ago”. I just joined a couple of days ago. Also, why is it my business about a person working and their unprofessional behavior? Isn’t that a bit unethical?
I’m a little confused. I clicked on the blog, hoping it would help me make more sense since I’m new to this. Now I realize the letter was just a copy of today’s blog.
Worry – I worried about a lot of things like you and still do but have worked on an “action plan” just like I would make a business plan for work. It includes physical exercise such as yoga, meditation, using my employee counseling services so I could get a couple of sessions to help me get support sort out how I could help myself as well as be supportive to my spouse, and continuing to keep a positive, realistic approach to life.
Yes, we have to be wary of co-dependent behavior and enabling! There is a fine line between helping and taking on another’s problems when inappropriate. I recommend that everyone in that situation read Melody Beatty and go to a support meeting like Alanon. You would be surprised how similar these behaviors are to aloholics and other addicts! And the 12 Step programs have a repertoire of coping strategies of how to support YOU in a relationship with a bp/an alcoholic/an addict of any kind….Some work always has to be done on the supporter’s side, too…
I worry a lot too, cuz I have bi-polar which seems to be somewhat under control and I think my 19 year old son has it as well because of his attitude, mood swings, his inability to get a job, and his marijuana use and occassional drinking. He also has a lot of friends over a lot and I worry they are taking advantage of him. He doesn’t live with me, he lives next door with my brother. Whenever I mention about his symptoms he gets mad at me or he just leaves. When he was younger at 12 or 13 I attempted to take him to get help but after a while he wouldn’t go and the therapists said he was fine just troubled which was normal for his age group. He now says that he is tired of my Mom and everyone giving him a hard time about getting a job and threatens to take off and see how far he can get in his car and if its not far enough he will get out and walk. When I asked him, “Then what?” he just shrugs his shoulders and says whatever. I am really worried and can’t help worrying either. Things are better for me now that when I was his age and I have always thought that if I had someone who understood I would have been so much more successful than I am now. Which is not all that but I have learned to accept some things. I don’t mean to go on and on… so I will go for now.
amy
I worry a lot these days, not only about myself because I suffer from b/p but my 19yr old son who I believe is showing symptoms of b/p but he won’t admit it. He is like the male version of the younger me. He uses weed and alcohol and makes threats to just drive and wind up whereever he stops or however far the gas in his car will take him. He hasn’t been able to get a job and I hate talking about it to him because I have the same problem so who am I to tell someone to get a job. I have had so many different jobs and can’t remember how many. So yeah I worry a lot, a whole lot… I try really hard not to though so I think I will look for this book on ebay or amazon… by the way I enjoy the emails and they all seem to have something helpful in them. Thanks a lot.
amy
I worry a lot about my episodes and how they will affect my mother and daughter. I have gotten better at handling them but the worry is always there.
I read your aticles and they help me understand a little more of this disorder and ways to handle an episode.
I think that there should be more information out there for people to read so they can have an understanding of bpd.
I have a question for everyone…is there a possiblity that Bipolar Disorder can be misdiagnosed as Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome? I ask because my sister has been going to a psychiatrist who originally said my sister “could” be Bipolar, but then recently changed to PTS. In my personal opinion (I am not a doctor, but also have a friend who is bipolar) my sister is bipolar…the depression, lack of ability to get/hold down a job, major debt, lying, manipulation…etc…
I am going to get the book. I do worry about my husband and it can/does interfere with my daily actiivites. I also have some anger issues any tips on that?
This is for askylar269. BP can masquerade as a lot of different things. I’ve heard of people with BP being diagnosed as schizophrenic, schizoaffective, ADHD, unipolar, and yes, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. You can also have other disorders comorbid with (along with) BP. I don’t know the person you’re asking about so I can’t tell you any specifics, but if you think she has been misdiagnosed, try to have her get a second opinion.
Very good information for me who knew nothing about Bi-Polar for adult son recently diagnosed.
Thanks David and I will pray not only for your mom but your dad as well for co-dependency issues.
Worry is not an issue for me any longer. Exercise (Curves) helps alot as does meditation.
After 4 and 1/2 years on different medications with different diagnosis, my almost 14-year old son refuses to take medication.
The first psychistrist he saw treated him for depression due to his anger and aggression. I learned several months later that he was then treating him for “symptoms of bipolar disorder”.
He saw 2 more psychiatrists who treated him for the same symptoms.
He has had an IEP since he was in first grade. Initially it was for LD reading resource with social work support. Then it became an “Other- Health Impaired” label due to his syptoms and he continued receiving resource support to help with organizational skills, homework monitoring and social work support continued.
The special ed personnel now wonder if he has ADD. Impulsivity has always been huge along with an incorrect perception of social situations. They agree he needs medication.
What can I do when he refuses meds and counseling? Dad doesn’t support meds either. I deal with a lot of anger and explosiveness.
Suggestions?
Darlene,
I so understand where you are coming from. I sure hope your husband decides to become part of the solution instead of adding to your worries. I wish I could have convinced my son to take his medication before he ended up as a guest of the state (he’s 15). Hopefully someone else has some solutions.
What do you do when you can’t make your kiddos take their meds? The only answer I have come up with is to let them live with the consequences of their actions. I HATE it, but it seems to be the only answer I have. I hope and pray my son finally respects the need to be medicated. It’s pretty common for bipolars to fight it.
I’ll pray for you if you’ll pray for me! 🙂 allgreen
Dear David
I can understand this cycle that this man is going through, the worrying. As I told
you before I have two sons both are bipolar 2 . They both have been on meds
since they were in their teens when their disease first surfaced when they
started puberty. One is 35 and the other just turned 25. During the last 10
years the oldest has lost his wife of 16 years and his 3 childrens not to
mention many jobs. He is on meds and has not had an episode in over a year.
The youngest plays with his meds, somedays he thinks everything is just
fine, so I find out later that he has not taken his meds. It is usually
within 4 days of this that an episode starts with him. His temper flairs, he
gets remorseful, misses work, and then gets depressed. Now it takes me weeks
to get over this situation and get him back on track, he loses his job, and
any relationship he might have been in.
To make a long story short, in the last two months, I personally give
him his drugs before leaving for my business here
in our town. I have him working for me now. I feel like his keeper, but for
now this works and the doctor says if this is what
we have to do to make his treatment work, then so be it. He is in a new
relationship and I have actually sat down with his new girlfriend and gave
her your book that I ordered. I also have them in my shop free for the
taking to whoever wants to
pick them up. Anyway the girlfriend is fully aware that if this relationship
progresses, that SHE will be the one responsible for keeping him stabilized
on his meds if she wants a lasting relationship with him. On meds he is a
very sensitive, and honest individual, without them he is sneaky, and not
trustful.
Over the years with both of my boys I have gone roller coaster with my
weight, had two angioplastis, and have been diagnosed with diabetis, which
NOW I regulate with diet. I also have been on Lexapro now for a year just to
stabilize my own roller coaster emotions. I at one point had myself to a
doctor thinking that I might be bipolar due to the feelings I was
experiencing taking care of the two boys. Needless to say the doctor said my
depression was due to the environment I was living in. I am a professional
business owner here and need to be alert and able to do my job without the
fear of my going into a depression because of my sons situations. I read
your emails every evening and find them quite helpful to me.
I commend you for what you are doing and continue to do for us out here
Linda Lester
http://www.lestersflooring.com
HI Dave,
Knowledge is power. The more you know the less you worry. I appreciate all the information you send my way. I am trying to understand this disease. My husband and his sister both have it. I do not know the degree. I just know life stops when he has these anger bouts. I love this man but it is difficult when he is someone I do not know.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us to help us to help the ones that we love.
Teresa
Hello Dave, thank you ever so kindly for the material you offer so freely. I am a care giver of sorts. My friend Nancy is in a very dangerous marriage, which I shall not go into. I now have a whole complete system in place for her. But Dave, I do worry about you. I think you may very well be in line for the disorder yourself.I feel that I see signs in yourself by the way youwrite. Sometimes I feel you are crying out and saying poor little me !! You seem to be like a dog with a bone and have to get to the marrow inside. You seem to be harping about the person that left with zero notice, and now about the mess she left. I am sure you are correct in not wanting people to think that you do not care or have not answered phone calls etc. But Dave take it from one who worked in management for almost 30 years, the headaches go with the position. Please take my comments as constructive criticism and definetly not a put down. I only say this because when I read your emails to Nancy, she says she sees you as having signs of the disorder yourself. Keep up the good work as it is needed and appreciated. Jeanie
It’s nice reading your blog. I’m a bipolar sick too. I’m still afraid of this sickness and hope i can control myself well.
I appreciate all the advice and help. It does take time to assimilate, but that is certainly worth doing!
Marae,
Thank you so much for your perspective! Originally the Psychiatrist diagnosed my sister as Bipolar, but then recently changed to PST…at least according to my mom (which could have been a lie on my sister’s part to make my mom feel better). My mom is convinced it is the medication that is causing all the problems…All I can think is that PST doesn’t last this long (according to research)…my sister has been “off” for about two years and for the last year she has been progressively getting worse…she is in such a major financial situation that she is going to be homeless and bankrupt! I am truely scared for her and look forward to finding out what I can do to help…even being more than 1000 miles away.
I am confused by all of the “pressure” being expressed by the twice-three times per day that I receive emails from your organization (over your signature.) I DO rejoice that I was placed on your mailing list. Certain information has already proven helpful to me in understanding my illness.
I have purchased various information packets from you. I look forward to reading and absorbing the promised information when I get home from a business trip this weekend.
I have received information on the “87” places available on your Inner Circle (Interesting that in May – google search – there were only going to be four hundred “87” places.) You wrote (sent) a message that you had not “…heard from me” when there was no instruction to pre-register for tomorrows 9:00 EST registration time/date.
You (must) KNOW how those of us with the illness react under pressure. I am hopefully avoiding my normal reactions by writing this message.
Why the constant flooding of multiple messages every day. (I’m trying to say this gently…) it seems that your organization is almost hyping services that always have a ‘hook’ at the conclusion that asks me/us to purchase something.
I am assuming that this message will be read by David. I am hopeful that you will do me the honor of replying to my concerns.
Gary
I agree with Gary.Why the hook at the end of every wonderful piece of infomation?David did such an honest and marvellous job of gathering the much needed perspective and informaion.I was mortified that it came with a price tag.When someone’s suffering….I’d share the informationfor free.