Thanks Dave, I needed to hear that. I have been asking “why?” often, especially lately. So I know there is no why with bipolar. This can be such a hard disorder to deal with I am glad that you are hear to help people like me. Thanks.

TO RIMA

I totally agree with this:

2) Find it primarly in the under 40 crowd..seems a good solid work ethic just isnt taught to most anymore! Most younger people dont even know that when you want to leave a current job, you should turn in a ‘two week notice’ (or longer if you need to train your replacement). Sad actually…

Hi Dave ~

I understand your writings on “why”. I have a question for you that is very important to me as a supporter of someone I love dearly and want to marry.

He “explodes!” for the most inconsequential reasons. The other night he accused me of lying to him saying I told him I had to be at work the next day at 10 am when I really had to be there at 12:30. What I actually had told him is that I wouldn’t be home until 10 pm. He instantly screamed at me on the street, shrugged me off of him and walked away saying that he’ll never trust me again, I was a liar, it was over, his life is better without me, etc.

You can imagine how hurtful this all is. And this is only one of MANY situations I experience on a weekly basis.

My question is this: I understand and already do not ask why. But what I am having most difficulty with is how to handle that type of situation. I feel if I defend myself, it adds fuel to the fire and if I get quiet and don’t say anything he thinks his thoughts and feelings are confirmed.

Please give me your feedback. I am trying to handle him and these episodes as gracefully as possible but really have no clue how to diffuse the situation early. Your thoughts are appreciated. Thanks for all your insight.

To Sury, You’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of trouble if you marry this exploder. A man who will do you this way before you’re even married to him WILL get worse after you’ve married him. I know what I’m talking about here. These nuts won’t let you enjoy married life with them. They make your life miserable until either death or divorce whichever comes first. Better to drop ’em like a hot rock & get on with your life! Find you a more pleasant man before getting married.

Thank you so much for the reminder, Dave. The other day my bp H did something that I have told him over and over again hurts me and embarrasses me. The next morning he apologized for his actions the night before but he did not acknowledge that I had ever asked him not to do this. Several times in the past two days I have asked myself why does he continue to do this and you have now reminded me that there is no why it just is – this is a symptom of his hypomania. He doesn’t do it because he wants to hurt me. He does it because it is a symptom of his bpd and the bp is stronger than his sense of reason or obligation to me. Thanks for reminding me of what not who is in control of him.

To ask “why” is an appropriate response to the problem solving process. We try to find an answer to a problem so that we can either fix it, manage it or avoid it next time. We’re trying to find a rational solution to someone being irrational. It’s like fitting a round peg into a square hole. It is not wrong to ask “why”, it’s just that the answer most likely lies in “it is the nature of the disease.” We need not lose our own rational thinking to their disease and our solutions to our problems are not their’s to solve. We should instead ask ourselves “Why are we taking it personal? Why are we staying in a room with an abusive person? Why are we not protecting ourselves, physically, emotionally, financially? We are often trying to GET THEM to THINK AND BEHAVE rationally rather than asking ourselves if we are doing the same.

Thank you so much for sharing the “Why” story. I have been in a relationship with a non medicated bi-polar man for over 7 years. The relationship has been a rollercoaster to say the least. After each episode, I always end up trying to figure out what exactly I could have done to make things less difficult. Then I move in to the “why’s”! I can spend an eternity wondering and asking why he has done or said something. I do not feel so alone in this part of the arena anymore!!! =)

Dave,
I have been reading your emails for quite some time. I am hoping you might give some new advice for people like me: I have bipolar disorder, have no family to speak of, no friends(not good at being social), can’t hold a job for more than 6 months, and have no idea how to even begin creating a “support network” Please shed some sane wisdom on what a person like me can do to avoid homlessness and further decline into the black hole.
~Grasping At Straws

I completely agree. Don’t ask why because it will just eat you up inside!

My wife (who was diagnosed with BP in high school, unknown to me, and was untreated for our entire 7-year relationship) left me about 2 months ago without ANY notice. It turns out she left for another, much older, man.

Instinctively I began to ask myself, “Why…” this and that. Why didn’t I see it coming, Why didn’t she tell me she was feeling like leaving, Why didn’t I act differently, Why, Why, Why.

I was in a DEEP depression for about 2 weeks and could hardly function at home or work. Then I started reading about bipolar disorder, as well as information on broken relationships.

I learned that asking why regarding someone with BP usually gets you nowhere, unless a state of confusion about where you are now is somewhere. One caveat for me was that self-reflection has been highly beneficial in my situation.

I needed to move on as much as I didn’t want to accept it, so I had to stop asking unanswerable questions. I realized that there probably is NO logical reason this happened. I sure can’t think of one, and my soon-to-be ex can’t come up with one either. so rather than asking why, the best bet is to work toward moving forward in the most positive way possible.

I found all the comments well thought out, however the one thing I totally agree with is the under a certain age group. This does not apply to all the younger generationers(no such word), but there are a lot that have not been taught responsibility–the consequences of their actions. How sad that is. I see it in my own step-children and it can be very disheartening. Glad to know that all are not that irresponsible. Keep the information available to us. It is very enlightening. cigi

Thank you ghhll… I share your compassionate point of view as opposed to cooltruth’s. My man is loving and kind, compassionate, reflective and thoughtful… he just has these glitches every now and then.
I have reviewed Dave’s website many times and have also ordered his course (am waiting anxiously for it to arrive!). My sweetie is not medicated but perhaps will get to this point with a little encouragement. I look forward to finding out how I may help him get there through Dave’s material.

Thanks for your support.

Dear Dave,
You are correct. There is no reason to ask why, when people do not give the reasons for what they do. My job in the day time was sabatoged, why? I don’t know. Incidentally, I was in another temp agency applying for employment, and while writing where I worked(the hospital) the call came in at exactly the same time as I was writing, for another operator at the same job, under the same supervisor. That was strange. I didn’t ask why. The temp agency that I was applying to was some 20 miles North of where the last one was that the Hospital originally hired me from. We have thousands of agencies here in Clearwater/Tampa area. Why the same job, the same supervisor, at the same moment in time ? Only God knows why. It was strange. So strange that I stopped filling out the application and I left.
Anyway, we could all sit and wonder why, and more often than not, I wonder why things happen. But I don’t give in to more than two “Why’s”; after that, I leave it alone.
I could sit and wonder why for a million years as to why my significant other wants to leave and take a chance that he’ll be o.k. wandering around out there. I could think that there’s some girl who thinks she knows him and knows what lies ahead of her………(boy oh boy, is she in for a surprise!!!!) but I don’t wonder why anymore. I’m trying not to be sad that all that I’ve invested in helping this man…is going to waste…I just know that what is, is what is. And my safety is very important, and that’s all that I can say.

My Mother ALWAYS asked “Why?” at any time(s) that I acted, to her, peculiarly or “against the grain.” Being a bipolar, I had NO answers, but – because…It’s hard when you’re in the midst of a manic episode to start to try to explain your motivation, like, for flying alone from VA to CA for a week, renting a car, and staying in a “flea bag” motel by myself. Looking back, I know MY reasons, but there was no WAY I could even logically tell her WHY. She just wasn’t “in my world,” and, of course, neither was I. Looking back on all the misadventures I had in manic episodes, I wonder why I wasn’t KILLED. I took chances without thinking of consequences. That’s what happens when you’re in mania – everything you do SEEMS to make sense at the time, and you’re so HIGH that you’re looking at things like from a cloud. Maybe now that she’s in “another place,” she can see the answers…I don’t know…

On another topic – David, is there a deadline to get my application in for either writing or editing? I am a highly functional bipolar at this time, and would appreciate the opportunity to contribute my talents to your program. I write reports for mystery shopping, and have received “10 out of 10” ratings for every report. If the deadline is within this week, please let me know, and I will get the application in ASAP.

As always, you “hit the nail on the head” every time in your emails. Please continue to enlighten not only us bipolars, but the loved ones who choose to live, and deal, with us.

To….. ghhll said…

It’s interesting how many people with or without mental health issues waste time and energy focused on the “why” question.

I am forever researching and questioning me I need to understand so I can help myself I don’t like being obsessed with needing to know and to learn more or with asking why but if I keep asking why maybe one day someone or I will find the answer –solution-cure and not just a basic explanation along with a pat on the head and then be handed another prescription.
Not to ask why to me is a form of ignorance. Yes I understand that things sadly have no rational reason “shit happens” but why does it happen?
For me there are triggers other times none… it could be as simple as I may make the mistake of waking up in the morning. Why is this? Do the chemicals in my brain converse and rally against me while I sleep… could it be hormonal… could it be I’m just plain mad? I don’t know… and nor does science… oh yeah they have their theories it could be from this or it could be from that… take this pill… talk to a psychiatrist he’ll sort you out…hmmm well as long as there is no definite answer for me I will continue to query and ask WHY!
If people did not ask why did not query-experiment and explore different problems medicine/science/treatments etc would not be as advance as they are today and as long as people continue to ask why the advantages of success of a cure is a definite possibility.
I’m sorry if I sound irritated but I am we are all entitled to our own point of view and yours I took offence to. Yes I have a mental health problem and yet it is not confirmed as to why, it hasn’t been for 30 odd years… if it is an imbalance of chemicals then please correct it if it is from life then please reprogram me but the main thing to do is to NOT stop asking why NOT stop learning NOT stop hoping.
As for the manic moments the hurtful words and actions from the person with the mental health problem there you need to as hard as it is you need to detach yourself emotionally and if needed physically albeit for your safety or theirs.
Please don’t stop asking why we need more awareness more answers both personally medically and it needs to be worldwide. Maybe it’s just me but I want a cure!!!

thanks, c.m., for your input. Your boyfriend sounds very different than mine as mine repeatedly and consistently talks/asks about getting married and starting a family together. The other difference is that mine also is very cognizant (albeit after the fact) and reflective. For instance, 20 minutes after the ‘episode’ I decribed earlier, he was coming to me asking to talk about it, how to handle him when he gets like that, etc. That, to me, speaks volumes. And this is from someone who is not medicated at this point.
So, I stand by my man because I love him and I believe in him. One of my main strengths in this relationship is staying positive. I may have to stop reading these blogs in order to do so. Best of luck to you all.

Dave- I realize you are a busy man but I have a very important question. Is there any way to force a psychiatrist to start seeing you? I am noticing a lot of little trigger symptoms that lead up to an episode usually for me in the last week. The problem I am having (and my supporter too) is this – all the ones close enough for me to get to that are covered by my insurance say they can’t get me in for an evaluation even until the end of August. I don’t think I can hold this off that long but I am really trying. Short of admitting myself into the hospital is there anything that we are not saying to get them to move quicker? If you or anyone who writes here has any ideas…PLEASE e-mail me at ladytiger2006@hotmail.com. I haven’t had an episode since last October and that one ended up as a suicide attempt. So I would really like to head this one off or keep it from getting as bad. Thank you. Sue

Can someone out there tell me if my girlfriend is bipolar? Here are comments/actions she has made:

We met on Mothers’ Day, May 14, 2006.

May 16
Bobbie called the guy she had been going out with, I think only four times, and told him that she was going to start going out with me now.

May
Bobbie gave me The Bible Promise Book. Inside the cover, she wrote:
Michael,
“Loving you is my peace. Being in your arms fills me with a sense of contentment that I’ve never before experienced. I thank God daily for bringing our lives back together after all these years.”
Love,
Bobbie

“I don’t care where you are. I care about where you are going.”

May
Bobbie told me a story. “I was sick with the stomach flu one day. I lost eight pounds of fluid. I called my husband at work and asked if he could bring me some Seven Up. He said he couldn’t leave work. He was the plant superintendent!” Then she cried.

One day she said, “Sometimes, I get crazy. I wonder if you will be able to handle it.” I said, “How bad can it be.” “No, I really get crazy,” she said.

In reference to her divorce, she said, “You did say that six years is not very long.” In other words, she’s not over it yet.

May/June
At church one Saturday evening, she told Steve, “My husband dropped me like a rock.” She mentioned Mike Thorne, a guy from church. Said they were going out before she met me. She said she dropped him because he lied to hersomething about having a son or something. Bobbie said, “He found someone. He’s happy now.” Mike says they never went out.

May/June
“My husband got into his early fifties and his elbows began to bother him. He couldn’t lift as heavy as he used to. He began to lose size. He turned on me and became verbally abusive for two years.”

June 3
Bobbie sent me an e-mail: “Will you let me read while you watch TV? Yes, being together in our own house sounds a bit like heaven to me.”
Love,
Bobbie

June 5
“Oh, Michael! At times, I’m overwhelmed. Never did I imagine falling so completely, deeply in love at this age. Due to your faith and God’s plan, that brought us together, I truly believe that we will have a wonderful life together. Not to sound ungrateful, but my only regret is that we weren’t destined for this at an earlier age. Would have loved to bear your children, mind you I said children, NOT weenie dogs. Evidently, we were meant to do something else. I’m sorry that at times I become afraid. Need to work on that so please be patient and know that I love you.”
Love,
Bobbie

I was house-sitting for my friend. Bobbie and I bought food at Wal-Mart to cook at his house. When it came time to prepare the meal, Bobbie said she didn’t want to cook it there. She said she was used to her own kitchen (meaning in the house she lived in with her husband). She just couldn’t do it. This was a new house that I was house-sitting.

Saturday, June 24 (1st episode)
Went to church with Audi. Said she was hungry. Joked around at home. Went to eat at Old Chicago. Started acting weird. Got home and said, “This isn’t working out.” She said she bumped into male friend night before. Felt like she wanted to go out with him. Didn’t make date. Said we were too different. Got mad. Said I was too concerned with picking dog hair off my clothes. Said I was just f—ing her.

Monday, June 26
Invited me over that night. Said it wasn’t working out. Said, “I feel trapped.” She mentioned the same guy again. She said she should have dated both of us simultaneously to see which one peetered out first. I don’t know what made her think either one of us would put up with that.

June 27
At gym: Bobbie said, “I’d like to go out with this other guy. I haven’t made a date.”
I said, “I’ve got a Realtor friend looking for some land for us north of town.”
Bobbie said, “I don’t want to have to drive too far.” Let me hug and kiss her! Cried during this conversation. Would stare into my eyes for long periods as if searching for sincerity.

A week goes by.

July 4 – 17
She went to see Donna. Donna scolded her. Told her she is always pushing people away. Told me she was sorry for the terrible way she treated me. Said, “Doris must think I’m terrible. I’m mentally ill.”

Went to Baker’s Square. Ate her favorite piesilk chocolate. Asked me to go to Kansas with her. Gave me her schedule into September. Always calls me. I never call her.

I can’t wear my dress clothes from work to church. I have to change into shorts and a tank top like Bobbie so we match. Pastor talked about young girls seeking recognition from their fathers. If they didn’t get it, they’d seek it somewhere else. Bobbie didn’t agree. Out in the parking lot, Steve voiced agreement with Cal. Bobbie got mad and said, “Just drop it, Steve!”

We were reminising. I talked about the hiking boots we used to wear in the late 1970s and early 1980s. They had very high tops. When I went out west, I learned that such boots were made for hiking and climbing about rocks and boulders. Here we were wearing them in the Midwest. It was a fad. They were absolutely no good for hiking. They made one’s ankles very sore in a short time. Bobbie got bent out of shape over this observation.

Week before the meet (15th), asked me to come over, even on the nights that we had agreed to take off. Cooked big roast, carrots, potatoes. Watch “Eight Seconds.” Went to Dick’s to buy swimwear.

Took bike to Walter Brothers to get new tires and oil change. They put on the new tires, but forgot to change the oil. Bobbie got upset. She also said the price was too high. Said she will never go there again. She will not wear any apparel with the Walter Brothers logo on it.

Called me at work one day. I always end with, “I love you!” I didn’t say it this time. As we hung up, she blurted out, “I love you!”

(2nd episode)
Went to powerlifting meet the evening of the 14th. Bobbie said, “I feel like my head is going to explode.” She needed to roll window down. She said, “I feel like I’ve got a brain tumor. I feel smothered, but it’s got nothing to do with you.” As we were unlocking the door to the hotel room, Bobbie said, “Be a man!” I had my hands full of luggage and was trying to unlock the door at the same time. (One Saturday at church, Bobbie told Steve, “Mike needs to be a man.” I was trying to be kind and gentle with her.) Bobbie cried in Denny’s that night for no apparent reason.

Tuesday
July 18
Started trying to break off again. Said she abruptly ended last relationship with Greg. “He kept hanging on. I just ended it!” Gave her photos of meet. Said she didn’t like the bench shirts. Gave her Bible. Seemed to upset her a little. Remarked how she like the soft leather cover.

Sunday
July 23
“I saw my ex-husband yesterday at the St. Jude Run. I was fine.”
“I’m just fine when I’m alone.”
“I care for you a great deal.”
Hung up on me.

One of her friends told me that her ex-husband will not talk to her when he sees her.

July 25-26
Had asked me to go to Kansas to turn in service dog weeks ago. Went to Kansas without me. Said she didn’t even make it out of town without having to run into gas station for spastic colon.

July 28
Saw at gym. Was depressed at first. I acted upbeat. She became upbeat. We kissed twice. Hugged. Talked about dog. Things went well again.

July 30th
Saw at gym. Things went well. She said I’m more attractive when I talk about things that I have a passion for. Called me later. Said she just wanted to chat. Asked me to meet her at the Spotted Cow. She actually paid for meal. I talked about Lakeview Wilds and Yellowstoneanimals. She stared at me with a smile on her face as if totally takenmesmerized. Said she used to get bad the first 10 days of month. Used to want to grab hair of fellow female worker at hospital. Stopped with hormone or drug therapy. Haven’t taken hormones or drugs for several years now. Said I have an idealistic view of marriage. Something came up about the guy she thought she wanted to go out with. She said, “He is my type: blonde hair and fit.”

In reference to her episodes, she said one day, “I know what I’ve done.”

August ?
Was at her house. I said, “I plan on having a good life.” She said, “And, I want to share it with you.” Has said, in reference to her problem, “I’m nuts.”

August 8 (3rd episode)
Went to gym. Went back to Bobbie’s house. She started staring out the back door. Went into living room and started crying about not having her friends down here to ride with. Said she was having a mood swing and it would be best if I went home. Said she can’t control it when it happens.

August 9th
Ask me to take her to the library. Went to pet store. Got upset because dogs are bred at puppy mills. Went home. Said we were too different. I didn’t know about dog breeding. Doesn’t like idea of me driving her Harley and her sitting on back.

August 12th
Went to church. Went to Monical’s with friends. Suddenly got up and said she was calling her mom to pick her up. I gave her the keys to my truck so she could get out of the restaurant while I paid for the meal. She did not get into the truck. She was in the parking lot, pacing around truck. I took her home.

August 13
Bobbie went boating with friends from work after work.

August 14th
She called me at work four times. Nothing to do at work. Said she was bored. Wanted to shoot the breeze. I sent her flowers. Once home, found flowers. Called me at work and said she wasn’t ready for a relationship. Likes going out with friends. No pressure.

August 15
Saw at gym. She was working out. I took shower. Came out. She was gone. She usually tans after workout.

August 16
Called me. Canceled church baptism service for that evening (had been planning to attend for two weeks). Said she needs a break. Canceled Friday concert. Canceled Saturday motorcycle races (planned to attend a month ago). She went to races by herself.

Sunday, August 20
Called me that evening. I was with Steve and Kajari. We went over. Had a good time on the trampoline. I took them home. She called Steve. Ask me to come back over. I thought she was going to tell me to get lost. She said she had thought she wanted to be with her friends. Said a guy had grabbed her. She was scared. Some friends came to her rescue. She hugged and loved me. She said, “I’ve treated you terribly and you didn’t deserve it.”

Tuesday, August 28 (4th episode)
Called me, asked me over for supper. Once at the house, suddenly, mood swing took place. Canceled Labor Day weekend meet, dog show. Said, “It’s best for us if I don’t go.”

Sunday evening, Sept. 3
Called to see how I did at the meet.

Sunday, Sept. 17
We drove all over Peoria looking at houses. Kidded me about writing on my truck interior with her pen. Was giddy. Asked me if she could have a house or a ring. I told her she could have both. Went to the winery in Kickapoo. Went back to her mom’s house. I said, kiddingly, “Look at all this dirt on the floor mat.” She replied, “This isn’t going to work out.” I said, “Over some dirt of the floor mat?” She realized it was no big deal. She fixed me supper. Later she said, “You don’t seem to be as stuck on yourself as you used to be. The dog hair doesn’t seem to bother you like it used to.”

Monday, Sept. 18
Sent me card saying how much she loved me and looked forward to a “partnership.” We had been looking for a house the day before.

Tuesday, Sept. 19 (5th episode)
Called me at work in the morning. Was happy. Called me at lunch. Was very upset. Said she was tired of these ups and downs. Said she was having the worst episode ever. Picked up prescription of anti-depressants. Called doctor back and requested hormones. Doctor refused. Had seen doctor week before.

Friday, Sept. 22
We drove up to Cedar Rapids, Iowa for the Celtic Festival. She said she was asking her mom for a new carpet sweeper for her birthday (November 4). She said her old one died. It was for our new house. Said it was a special kind that would pick up tiny dog hairs. It was a Dyson that cost over $400. She said she was feeling fat. I remarked that when Doris dies, I will be all alone. She said that I would have her. She asked if I wanted to get married so that I wouldn’t be alone when Doris dies. I said, “No. I want to marry you because I love you and want to be with you.” Gave her an engagement ring which she had asked about the previous Sunday. She got upset and said, “It’s the wrong color gold and so light. It’s like an 18-year-old-girl’s ring. I can’t believe that I’m 47 and I’m where I’m at.”

Sunday, Sept. 24
I called her, but missed her. I believe she was in the bathroom. She called me back. I asked her if she was going to the gym. She said, “No, I feel fat.” She also said, “Last night, I couldn’t get away from you fast enough.” She also said, “Wanting to get out of our moms’ houses was not a reason to buy a house.” I said, “You’re right. The reason to buy a house is because we love each other.” She said, “You have a lot to offer.” I said, “I just need to know that we’re together.” There was silence. She ended up hanging up on me.

She did not call me for the next four days.

Thursday, Sept. 28
I got worried because it has been so long since she called. I called Bobbie at work. We talked about the church service that had taken place the previous evening. I asked her if she planned to attend church Saturday night. She said she might if she got home early enough after riding. I told her I missed her a lot. She replied, “I don’t know what to tell you.” I asked, “What do you mean?” “It’s probably better this way,” she replied. “What are you talking about?” I asked. “We love each other. We’ve been looking at houses. You sent me that card, referring to a partnership. We’re together, aren’t we? I thought you loved me?” She said, “Apparently not enough. Something is missing.” “What?” I asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. I said, “I think the Lord is missing. She huffed at that remark. “Why are you acting like you want to throw me away?” I asked. “Because you keep doing this,” she replied. “Doing what?” I asked. “Tell me what it is and I will stop.” She said, “This isn’t the time to talk about this.” She hung up on me.

Sunday, Oct. 1
I haven’t heard from her since Thursday.

Monday, Oct. 2
Today, she should receive the information I sent her on the bio-identical hormone.
Sent her flowers at work.

Tuesday, Oct. 3
Called me at home and thanked me for flowers. Said she wasn’t going to church Wed. Said Riley was very sick. Saw at gym that afternoon. Kissed and hugged. Gave me info on dog’s illness and drug. I said I’d call Jeff Mills, DVM and see if I could get a better deal on the drug.

Wednesday, Oct. 4
Got info from Jeff. Took over to Bobbie’s house that evening. Hugged and kissed. She rejected everything he said in spite of the fact that he was saving her $500.00 per month. She said she was sorry she moved to Peoria. Said she had friends, a vet she liked, and a dog club she liked in the Quad Cities. I said, “You did the right thing, coming down here to take care of your mother.” She said, “No.” Her mom came home and she said, “Oh, great.” Regarding our marriage, she said, “I have to get myself straightened out first.” She said she needed to get her own house (she only makes $11.00 per hour). Hugged and kissed. I said, “Maybe we can go to church Saturday.” She got a bit teary and said, “I don’t think I’m going to want to go to church Saturday.” I said, “Okay.” I walked toward front door, turned, and said, “Call me.” She said, “Okay.”

Thursday, Oct. 5
Called me. Riley had taken a turn for the worse. She called her vet, but he didn’t want to do anything more. She called the vet that Jeff Mills referred her to. She said she would open at 3 p.m. instead of 7 p.m. because she was very concerned from what she heard. Dog should have been monitored first three days on drug. Dog came through and was sent home. Bobbie called me and thanked Jeff and me. She will be using new drug at only $30 per month.

Friday, Oct. 6
I called her cell and left message. She called back. Riley doing better. Took longer walk. I asked her if she would go to church with me. She said, “I’m going riding. I won’t be home in time.” She said she would be riding Sat. and Sun.

Saturday, Oct. 7
Left message on Bobbie’s cell phone, explaining that Doris was in the hospital. Bobbie called me that evening around 9:30. Asked if I was okay. I said, “No, I’m not okay.” She said to tell Doris that she was thinking of her. We talked for about half an hour. Nice conversation.

Sunday, Oct. 8
Bobbie called me in the morning. Said she was taking her cell phone with her in case I needed anything. She said she would be back before dark. I told her I would like to see her that evening. She said, “We’ll see.” She again told me to tell Doris that she was thinking of her.

I called Bobbie around 5:30 p.m. She was home. I told her I would like to see her that evening. She said she had to clean her bike and wash some clothes. I said, “It’s only 5:30.” I asked, “Don’t you want to see your boyfriend?” There was no answer. I said, “It’s been a long time.” There was no answer. I said, “I need some support here.” She said, “Don’t start that guilt stuff.” I said, “I’m not starting any guilt stuff. I need some support.” She exclaimed, “You are starting that guilt stuff!” She hung up.

October
Riley died. Bobbie took it very, very hard. She had him cremated. She got a new dog from the dog pound. She seemed to go into a panic without a dog around. She said she’s always had a dog around.

Oct. 22 (6th episode)
I picked Bobbie up for church. I played with her new dog, Tucker. She asked me if I would donate some money to purchase a magnet for KSDS. I gave her five dollars. We went to church. Sermon was on depression. The pastor talked about spiraling down if you keep running “why” over and over again in your mind. He said if you are still doing this after five years, you need help. Bobbie was rocking and had her head in her hands. We went home. I asked to talk to her. I began to discuss our relationship and her illness. She went ballistic. She told me to leave. I said, “No, we must talk this through this time.” She got really mad and started screaming at the top of her lungs. I said, “It’s always about Bobbie. It’s always about how Bobbie feels.” She ran across the street to the neighbors’ house and called the police. I talked to them. They said, “When it comes to a bi-polar person, you’re better off to cut your losses.” I left.

Nov. 11 (20 days since she called the police, 50 days since I gave her the ring)

Saw Bobbie at the gym. I said, “Hi.” She said, “You crossed the line.” I said, “I just came over to say, ‘Hi.’” She said, “Okay. You said, ‘Hi.’ Now you better get back over there.”

My mother has been in the hospital/nursing home for some weeks. Bobbie has never visited her. In fact, Bobbie never came over to my house, I always had to go over to her house.

Bobbie called today (Sat.) and asked if I would meet her at church. She wanted to see if she would feel smothered around me. I said I was meeting someone else. She said she was glad I told her. Said she would not interfere. She said she missed me. She called a second time and said she may not even go, depending on how she felt. She showed up and we talked on the way in. After the service, while my date and I were in the atrium, she peeked around the corner. Then, she walked by the table. She was walking fast as if she was mad.

After church, she called Steve. Said, “Steve, I’ve got to talk to you. I really messed up. It was all me, not him. He didn’t do anything wrong. That ring is what really threw me. It will never happen again.” She then talked to me and said, “I need to talk to you.” I went over to her house. Said she loves me. Said that the feeling that she was looking for, that she had before she married Steve, was probably just a 20’s thing. I told her that this is her last chance. I can’t go through that again. I asked her what she wants. She said, “I want to spend time with you.” BOBBIE SAID SHE IS PUZZLED AS TO WHY SHE TRIES TO PUSH ME AWAY WHEN SHE HAS AN EPISODE.

Nov. 12
We went to Muscatine for KSDS. Greg called on the way up. I asked her what they’re relationship is. She said he came back from Iraq with walls built up. They are still up. He drives a truck and is seldom home. She said that is not the type of man she wants to marry. She said he now has a new woman. She was unusually affectionate to me all day and evening. Asked if Connie had been attending church with me. I said, “No, just that once.”

Nov. 23 (Thanksgiving)
I decided to cancel out. I did not want to breath cigarette smoke and have my clothes and hair smell like smoke. Upset Bobbie. Asked if we were still on for church on Saturday night. I said, “Yes.” She called me four times this day. During last conversation, she said, “I guess you won’t be able to attend any more family functions.”

Nov. 25 (Sat.)
Bobbie had not called me for two days. Finally called. Said she wasn’t feeling well. Called a second time. Canceled church. I went anyway with Steve and Kajari.

Dec. 1
Big, big snow today! Bobbie called twice. Said she wanted to make chocolate chip cookies, but didn’t have any chips. Said I could bring some over. When I was done shoveling, I got cleaned up, went to store, picked up chips, and drove over to her house. Got stuck at the approach to her driveway. Neighbors helped me. She was upset that they did a little shoveling under my wheels and that I sat in the truck, switching between drive and reverse. She said that I never do anything physical for other people. She was also upset that I asked if she had anything to eat. I had called earlier, asking what she was doing for supper. When I left, I got stuck again. She began shoveling under my left, front tire. She got mad, said that her shoulder hurt, she was cleaned up already, and that her hand hurt. She threw the shovel. I said, “I didn’t ask you to do that.” I went over to the neighbors and asked them to help me get unstuck. I asked her to drive while I helped the guys push. She refused and closed the garage door behind herself. The neighbors got me unstuck, and I drove home.

Dec. 2 (Sat.)
Bobbie called me at work and asked if I was going to church. I told her, “No.”

Dec. 5
Saw Bobbie at gym. She kept staring at me. I ignored her. When she got done, she said, “It’s all yours.”

Dec. 6
Called me at work. Said she was not getting dog this month. Asked if I wasn’t talking to her. I said, “Well, you don’t seem to be able to treat me right. Those issues you talked about Fri. night, I am certain, are not issues to other people.” She said, “I guess we have a difference of opinion. Maybe you ought to find yourself a girl who agrees with your thinking. I better let you go now.” I said, “Okay,” and hung up.

Dec. 7
Called and talked as if nothing had happened.

Dec. 8
Saw at gym. Asked me if she had a rash on her neck. Said Tucker must have caused it. She tanned and left. As she was leaving, she made a “yaking” sign with her hand as I was talking to a friend. She said, “Shouldn’t you be working out?”

Dec. 9 (Sat.)
Did not call me about church.

Dec. 10
Did not call me.

Everything has been going fine since mid-Dec. Went to Old Chicago. In reference to her problem, she stated: “I’ve always felt that I’m a little off.”

Dec. 25
Wonderful Christmas.
Bobbie told her mom that I understand her weightlifting and I am good with the dogs.

Dec. 26
Went to Eyeglass World to buy new glasses. Tucker had eaten my glasses that I had placed on an end table. Bobbie said she would pay for them. I told her she didn’t have to do that. Finally, she decided to give me what cash she had on hand, about $240.00 instead of the full amount. I said, “That’s fine.”

Dec. 31st
Told me that she did go out with the guy she thought she wanted to go out with in June. She went out with him twice. She lied to me. She had told me that she wouldn’t go out with him without telling me first. Now she says we weren’t dating at the time.

January
There was an issue with my blood pressure. Bobbie said, “Please go to the doctor. For me? You’re no good to me stroked out.” Was she genuinely concerned about me or my ability to generate a living?

January 4, 2007
Took Bobbie to the rodeo at the civic center in Peoria. Had a good time.

Jan. 12th
“I didn’t have the faith that you were going to look for something better. I thought you were going to just sit down there at Advance America.”

Jan. 14th
Steve and Kajari took me to Joe’s Crab Shack for my birthday. Bobbie had several glasses of wine. She said she could beat my brother in sparring (karate). My brother is a 260-lb. national champion black belt.) Kept saying it over and over. When Kajari remarked that the Bible states that a person is married (one flesh) to the person they have physical relations with, Bobbie asked her how many people she is married to!

A week earlier, we went to steakhouse to celebrate Bobbie’s brother-in-law’s birthday. She had three glasses of wine. She got really loud. She began throwing food at people at our table.

Feb. 2 (Friday)
Went over to Bobbie’s after deadlifting. Her mom was not there. She asked, “How hungry are you?” I got a little agitated inside. I had been under a lot of pressure learning my new job. I had just got done deadlifting. I was tired and didn’t want to play a guessing game. She wanted to go downstairs first. I gave in. I didn’t do well. She took it personally. She was going down to Missouri to pick up a new dog the next morning. She wanted me to go with her. I was exhausted. I told her I would rather take the time and use it to repair Doris’s sink. She let me out of it.

Feb. 3 (Saturday)
I went over that night to see the dog. We were all in the downstairs room. I helped her put the new dog’s cage together. The dogs were playing. She turned on the television. I watched Planet of the Apes. She got upset that I was watching the movie. She stated, “I don’t know why you had to come over. That trip was hard on me.” I said, “You said I didn’t have to go.”

Feb. 4 (Sunday) (7th episode)
We got approved on a house last week. We had an appointment at 1 p.m. to take a second look at the house today. Bobby called at 10:30 a.m. I asked her if she was still going to look at the house at noon. She said, “No, I canceled the meeting.” I asked her why. She said because things weren’t working out. I didn’t know what she was talking about. She agreed to have me come over to the house to talk. She ended it. She said she didn’t trust me. She didn’t start saying that until I said I didn’t trust her after going out with that other guy. Plus, I never know when she is going to have one of her episodes. She said I am not a dog person. I go to obedience school every Wed. and let Tucker lie on my lap while I watch TV. I attend the service dog functions in Iowa. We take him out for exercise at area parks. What more can I do? She said I don’t have a motorcycle and that was a big part of her life with her husband. I told her that a motorcycle would be great, but a house is the priority now.

Feb.
Bobbie said in an email: “I truly believe that you should get on with your life. You have a promising career now.”

Feb. 11
Saw Bobbie at the gym. I asked her why she was treating me this waypushing me away and not talking to me. I told her that I love her and she is in my heart. I told her that I have a lot invested in her. She just stared into my eyes for a long time. She said there are too many things about me that bother her. I said, “You are manufacturing scenarios in your mind that don’t exist.” She said, “No I’m not.” She said she had been looking for a house for herself. I asked her why, then, I was on the loan. She wouldn’t answer. She said she makes more than $11.40 per hour which is what she had me tell the loan officer at National City. She said, “I told you that when you worked at Advance America so you wouldn’t feel bad.” (I was only making $12.50 per hour.) The fact is, she told me that a week and a half ago while I was working for OSF. If she does make more, she had lied to me and the loan officer, which she wouldn’t have done since she would have wanted to show as much income as possible. But, she slipped up by saying that she told me that when I worked for Advance America. She told me that a week and a half ago. So, she lied. Bobbie is acting unusually cold.

Feb. 23
E-mailed me. Said I had been hateful (she hadn’t been talking to me in the gym) and asked why I was now acting friendly. She will say something critical in one e-mail, then apologize for it in the next e-mail.

Feb. 24
Bobbie called Steve before church and said that she didn’t need me to take her to the Amana Colonies for the Pet Expo. It had been canceled due to bad weather. I had no idea she was going to accept my offer in the first place.

Feb. 25 (Sunday)
Very nice at the gym today. Brought Bret (her new service dog) with her. I hugged Bobbie. Told her she could call me later on. She looked at me and said nothing.

Feb. 27
Emailed me: “Not so certain what to say to anyone. Don’t know why I’m not getting any direction. Feel left out in the cold.”

March 1
Bobbie had been trying to get hold of counselor at Northwoods for a week or so without success. She said that this is just one more indicator that God has “closed his ears to her.” She said she had a bad night (March 1). Her sister referred to it as a “meltdown.” She talked to her brother-in-law until late. E-mailed me late (10:30 p.m.) Said brother-in-law got hold of a pastor. But, Bobbie said she was too upset and tired to talk to him. Has repeatedly said, “I’ve made nothing but bad decisions since I moved down here.” Her major issues include: her sister relies on her mother to look after her nephew before and after school and to run errands for her, the people at her job are backstabbers and gossips, the family met at her sister’s house in Minnesota every Christmas, never Bobbie’s house, and I ate at her house in the evenings. I never came over uninvited. I ate leftovers. We were trying to save money for a house. I couldn’t get her to go out to eat. Plus, she would never eat after 6 p.m. Are these issues serious enough to cause a meltdown?

March 2
Bobbie took this morning off to meet with pastor. Came to gym at 5 p.m. with Bret (dog). Said she had her meeting but wouldn’t discuss it. Counselor finally contacted her. Bobbie told her that she wasn’t there when she needed her and that she would deal with her now.

Other: Bobbie has told me that she can’t stand touching her mother. The fat makes her sick. She also can’t stand pulling chicken off the bones. It makes her want to vomit.

She said, Greg, her ex-boyfriend, would have understood if she found someone else. Why would she be looking while she was with him?

March 4th (Sunday)
Bobbie told me that she was on Prozac when I met her. Dr. Falcon took her off Prozac and put her on something else. Tuesday, September 19, had bad episode. Dr. put her back on Prozac. Bobbie brought Bret to Steve and Kajari’s. We all went to Red Lobster.

We had just come in from an outing one Sunday. The dogs were wrestling and her mom was talking a mile-a-minute. All of a sudden, Bobbie just yelled. Her mom yelled, “Oh, God!”

We were in the kitchen. I said, “Well, you won’t marry me.” Bobbie blurted out, “I never said I wouldn’t marry you.”

March ?
Bobbie’s mom asked her something. Bobbie blurted out, “Mom, I don’t feel good!”
Her mom looked at me and said, “You know, it’s like the preacher at Northwoods said, you have a choice when you get up in the morning to be depressed or not be depressed. If you’re depressed all the time, nobody will want to be around you.”
Bobbie said, “I would have let you go this last time. You’re the one that wanted to get back together.” I asked, “Why would you let go of the one you love?” She replied, “Because it’s easier.”

March 30-31
Bobbie and I went to the Kansas Specialty Dog Service to see her dog graduate. She had spastic colon all the way down and all the way back. She also suffered from hip displagia. She smoked like a chimney. She was okay inside KSDS. But, before and afterwards, she was a wreck. She brought along travel brochures/books on Michigan’s Upper Penninsula. She wanted us to do three or four days up there in July.

When I returned to work on April 2nd, I was told that I was fired for taking Friday, March 30th off. I had specifically asked my boss for permission, which he granted.

April 4 (8th episode)
Bobbie pushed me away again. We always take Tucker to dog obedience school on Wed. nights. I asked her if she was taking Tucker. She said, “Yes.” I asked, “You’re going to pick me up at 6:30 then?” She said, “No, I can’t do this.” I said, “Do what?” She couldn’t respond. Finally she said that she feels smothered around me. I asked her if she thought that was normal. I told her, “You had a spastic colon and smoked like a chimney on the way down to Kansas last Friday. While you were at KSDS, you were fine. On the way back, you were even worse. Do you think that is normal? You have a choice to either be depressed or not. Or, you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. You need to do something about it. I would think you’d get tired of feeling this way. You’re going to spiral down again. You’re not going to have any life unless you do something about it.” She said, “I’m talking to someone. I’m fine right now.” I said, “No, you’re not fine. You’re having one of your episodes.” Bobbie mentioned me losing my job. She said, “What do I have now?” I said, “It wasn’t your job. You didn’t have anything in the first place. And, it isn’t your fault I lost the job. You don’t end a relationship because your boyfriend lost his job. I will get another job.”

April 9, 2007 (Mon.)
I bumped into Ron Davis at World Gym today. I told him what happened. He finally agreed to tell me what really happened between Bobbie and her ex-husband, Steve. Ron has known Bobby and Steve for 30 years. He said she treated him the same way she has treated me. He just couldn’t take it any more. He divorced her. She claims that, Mike, Steve’s best friend, stabbed her in the back. Ron assured me that that is not true. This is what I guessed was the case. Bobbie has been like this for a long, long time.

April 13, 2007
Ron Davis told me that Bobbie had gone out on her ex-husband, Steve, when they were married.

May 17, 2007
Ron Davis informed me that Bobbie is getting married to a man she, in her words, “just met.” He said the man is retired from Caterpillar, has 10 acres in Lacon, horses, a dog, and a bike. Bobbie quit her job and canceled her gym membership. She said she wasn’t going to have to work anymore and would come to town to check on her mom every once in a while. She said Wed., May 16 was the last day anyone would see her in the gym. She has since come in May 17th and 18th.
Dave Wooly told me that Bobbie went out with a friend of his that works for the city sometime in February.

May 18, 2007
I went over to Bobbie’s house. She would not answer the front door. I went around back. The door was open. I knocked. Bobbie came out. I asked to talk to her. We sat down outside. I told her what Ron told me. She nodded and said she has never been happier in her life. I asked, “Bobbie, what are you doing?” She said, “We mesh in everything, including our faith. I said, “Your faith?” She never had any faith. I told her that you cannot know someone or love someone in two weeks. I asked, “How long have you known this guy?” She said, “That is none of your concern.” She told me last year that you cannot know someone in even several months. I said, “You are trying to regain what you lost financially and materialistically.” She said, “Not materialistically.” She said, “I’m fine now. I’m not taking anything and haven’t had any stomach problems since I’ve been away from you.” I said, “You were on Prozac before you met me.” She had leaky gut syndrome dating back to when she lived in Iowa. She had had many different tests made with no results. I said, “Sure, he’s new and exciting right now. That’s the way it was with me the first 41 days, then you went into an episode.” (Bobbie had stomach problems when I wasn’t even around. When she took Audi back to Kansas last year, she had to stop at a gas station restroom before she even got out of town.)
Bobbie said, “I haven’t heard from you.” I said, “You said I had to go to Kansas with you. I went and got fired over it. When I called you, you asked, ‘What do I have now?’ You also said, ‘I can’t do this, I feel smothered.’ You were going into an episode. You never called me to ask how I was doing.”
I said, “Bobbie, inspite of the way you have treated me and your problem, when I heard the news, it cut me to the bone. That tells me that I truly love you. Bobbie looked into my eyes searching like she has before. She began to look sad, as though she might cry. It was if what I said was getting to her, touching her. Bobbie replied, “I don’t have a problem. You need to leave now or I’ll call the police. Don’t ever come near me ever again. I’ll get a restraining order against you.” I said, “So what?” She said, “Okay, then!” I started to leave. As I was leaving, I said, “I talked to Steve’s friends. They said you treated him the same way you treated me. And, Greg, too.” She laughed and asked, “What do you know about Greg?” I said, “You’d be surprised what I know.”

May 19, 2007
I went over to Bobbie’s sister’s house. She said Bobbie was coming over at noon. She called her and asked her to delay. She said she would tell her why later. Bobbie was bringing her dog, Tucker, over to Fran (her sister) to give him to her since he wasn’t getting along with Bret, the KSDS dog. She didn’t worry about this at her mom’s house. If I would have asked her to make a choice between me and the dog, I would have been the one that had to leave, I’m certain.
I had her read a copy of this document. She said that everything in it is indicative of Bobbie’s behavior for a long, long time. She said she believes she definitely has OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). Thinks her dad had that. She remarked that she may well be bipolar. I asked how long Bobbie has been like that and she said, “Since the 1970s.” She said she has talked to her about getting help, but she would never do it.
I asked how long she has known this new guy and she said, “A very short time.” She said she quit her job and that he is supporting her. “She can always get another job,” she said. She added, “The marriage is months in the future. She’s not married until she’s married. It may never happen. Give it to the Lord. If he wants you guys to be together, you’ll be together.”

May 21, 2007
Bobbie blocked me from her email.

May 23, 2007
Talked to Pastor Tim Reese at Northwoods Community Church. He said God will not bless Bobbie’s new relationship since she chose to shack up with the guy. He said she cannot know or love this guy in such a short time. He said it cannot work. He spoke about a matter of a couple of months. She is cutting all her ties with her relationships in Peoria to avoid being convicted by those people. She knows what she is doing is wrong. He prayed that the Lord would dissolve the relationship. He told me to keep the door open.

May 20, 2007
Ron Davis called Mike Smith in Dunlap. Mike is Steve Brown’s best friend. Mike would not give Ron Steve Brown’s telephone number. He said Steve will not talk about Bobbie. He said he would hang up on me. What the heck did Bobbie do to her ex-husband?

May 26, 2007
Talked to Pastor Cal Richner at Northwoods. He said he could not believe what Bobbie had done. He said it was not a rational decision. He also said that the relationship will crumble because it is not built on a solid foundation. “There will be pieces to pick up,” he said.

– First 41 days good

– 11 days bad
– 10 days good
– 14 days bad BASED UPON
– 11 days good FIRST FIVE EPISODES
– 12 days bad
– 9 days good
– 9 days bad
– 12 days good
– 12 days bad

Average is 11.11 days

There were eight episodes in all. The last three were much longer and more severe.

Bobbie complains of the following medical problems:

leaky gut
fybromyalgia
insomnia
snoring
pain in right shoulder from shoulder surgery
carpal tunnel in both wrists
cyst under knuckle of index finger on right hand
headaches
breaks out in rash
hip displagia
smoking, increases with episodes

To Micheal i forgot to mention your name in the comments, from Glowy, all the best!

DearvDave, It seems to methat, whenever some one asks “Why?”, the obvious answer that comes to my mind is “Why not?”. People, I find, in my 50 odd years on this earth will do and say things,good and bad, just because. There is no answer to the all consumig question “Why?”. At the worst, they will do wharever they do just because they can. Unfortunate;but true. Signing off from Georgia Marilyn Bauer