Hi,
Hope you’re doing ok.
Today’s subject is a serious one, because of an email I got in response to my post about being supportive but not enabling:
Jeannie1 says:
“Could someone please tell me what to do when I am trying to be a supporter not an enabler. When the lady I support is in a manic episode, do I walk away from her, do I sit there and take the abuse, how do I handle this???? I know when the episodes are coming, I just don’t know what to do. I have tried everything at this point and to tell you the truth I am ready to walk away. It is my responsibility to help her when she is in an episode because she is totally unable to help herself but she gets so abusive and tells me to get away from her. I try talking to her but of course it doesn’t work, she just gets more and more abusive…”
——————————————————-
Now, I’m not a doctor or therapist, so I can’t give that kind of advice, but I can try to at least address some of the comments made in this post, because I think it brings up a serious subject we should talk about – abuse and bipolar disorder.
The first thing I would say to this person and to you is that if violence or abuse is involved and you are getting hurt, that is wrong. You need to protect yourself. You don’t have to accept the unacceptable, and you shouldn’t accept physical abuse. No one should, and bipolar disorder is NOT an excuse!
If you are being physically abused, you seriously need to consider getting the police involved and/or leaving your loved one. You do not have to tolerate it, just because they have bipolar disorder. Would you tolerate it from someone who does not have bipolar disorder?
Ok, with that said, let’s go on to some other things this person says in her post.
She says she knows when the episodes are coming, she just doesn’t know what to do.
That’s one of the things I teach in my courses /systems – how to be prepared ahead of time for episodes and what to do about them.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
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http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
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http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
You have to be prepared in advance.
Sit down with your loved one during a time when they are NOT in an episode and determine together a plan of what you will do when they are in an episode.
Unfortunately, in this person’s case, where it sounds like their loved one might become violent, they would have to determine what to do when the person becomes abusive.
You need to set some boundaries with your loved one about what is acceptable behavior and what is not acceptable behavior.
You also need to determine what the consequences of unacceptable behavior should be.
The hard part for you, as the supporter, will be to stick to your boundaries. But you must do so. You must make them accept responsibility for their behavior, even if they don’t want to.
What about you?
Have you dealt with an abusive loved one with bipolar disorder?
If so, please share with us how you have handled it.
And as far as this post, do YOU think this person should leave their loved one, like they are asking you?
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Post responses below
And as far as this post, do YOU think
this person should leave their loved
one, like they are asking you?
From all my research I would say during the manic episode there’s NOTHING you can do except take care of yourself, and wait for the crash ( depression ) Sure, you can hang around and take the wrath of verbal abuse, but they dont know what theyre doing and saying, nor will they remember, much less be held accountable. Once the episode has begun you are powerless. and the person you know and love are gone until the episode is over. And then YOU must decide if youre willing to go thru it again because more than likely before you know it, It will be happening again!
Physical abuse is not tolerated
However verbal and emotional abuse is wrong too
In the case of any physical abuse, the key is safety. I have left with my other child to protect myself and her. I have called the police. That did seem to stop the cycle. In the past, I have tried the “hold” with everyone unhappy there. Now she is 19, I am pretty powerless. She was late for curfew and verbally abusive and she is out of our house until she can follow our rules ie from her family therapist. I definitely report it to her Dr. and try to get an extra appt , medication tweaked. Remember safety is the key for all parties. Good luck!
I have on occasion become very abusive – even physically abusive with my ex and present husband. All the patterns explained to me by my doctor made me understand why I react the way I do. Whilst I do realise that bipolar is no excuse, I need my husband to pain it out with me and together work towards the end of the episode if it represents itself in that way. I would be worse off if he left me – as I’m dealing with many incidents of loved ones leaving…and wouldn’t be surprised if the trauma has aided my condition.
I truly believe that when a person is in an manic episode, they are not thinking clearly and they are not able to concentrate either.
Now that doesn’t excuse their abusive behaviors. As a person that has been in an manic episode before…it’s like you have to be doing something all the time.
Your brain won’t cut off…so therefore you are always trying to keep up with your thoughts.
No mental health challenges are an excuse for abusive behaviors. If I was in that situation, I’d ride it out and when that person is back to their normal functioning level I’d sit and talk with them. Explain to them what is hurtful and how perhaps to get their point across in other helpful and positive ways.
Being manic is difficult to deal with. I can’t even imagine what the other party has to deal with.
i know what some people are going through with the abuse and bipolar. i have a loved one with bipolar. they used to drink heavily as a way to self medicate. i was abused and finally had enough. i had to get a restraning order on them and went to dimestic violence counseling. lets just say in the long run everything worked out and we are still together as of today. if anyone wants to learn what i have learned in 13 weeks of classes please let me know so how
This really hit home as my honey was sick, and he was very verbally abusive to me. He is quiet and sweet and very gentle normally.
I had to ignore him and he hurt me, and after he say there was no reaction, he took off for 3 months to casino rama gambling all his savings plus put his credit card to the limit till he was broke and they found him in a driveway sleeping in the car and called the police and he called me and I spoke to the officer and begged her to take Cam to the hospital because he had bipolar and she said she had a brother with it too and she took him to the nearest hospital and I went to Toronto and he was 3 weeks getting back on his meds and normal again.
Next time, I will probably be o.k. as I now have power of person and can put him in a hospital as I couldn’t before and his doctor wouldn’t admit him and blamed him for not taking his meds. It was a lie about him not taking his meds, they just stopped working for some reason or another.
thanks for all the great advice you send me I love it and you make my life easier from what I have learned from you. Your the greatest and very appreciated
alice
What about emotional abuse. My husband doesn’t hit me but he has episodes often of emotional abuse towards me. I have just about had enough. How much support do i ahve to give and still keep my sanity?
When this happens we have a plan to get my son to the hospital. I won’t put up with the abuse and I am afraid that when he gets violent someone will get hurt. It is generally me who got hurt in the past. I let the doctors deal with this and get him back on his medication.
Yes! My husband is bi-polar, we were married for 4 years. The abuse slowly escalted. Then in 08 it got worse. Sometimes i feel bad because i didn’t stand by him afterwards. But i tried so hard to be there for him.Now i have be away from him because is actions. One minute he is so nice , the next day he is not. He says he won’t allow me to get a divorce.
At the time I was taking all the abuse, I wasn’t certain that it was Bi-polar disorder. My loved one (my now ex-husband) had been through a huge nervous breakdown and his verbal abuse got 100 times worse and even led to physical abuse.
I used to sit there and take it, mostly taking it personally. So personally, I even contemplated suicide. We had two small children and at first my decision to leave was for them. I could not allow them to continue to be subject to his abusive behaviour toward me. I knew it could scar them for life.
So I made the step and I left. As an attempt to get us back, he saw a psychiatrist, but he wasn’t convinced even then that he needed help. He was able to fool the doctor and get a letter stating that he is cured but his abuse continued by phone, by text by any means available. One day he loved, the next day he hated. I knew the unstable environment could never be good for me and most of all for my kids.
I love him even now and will look out for him and care what happens to him, but I will not place my life and the lives of my kids in jepeordy, physical, mentally or emotionally.
My advice: Start loving You enough and exercise self preservation with huge doses of wisdom before attempting to deal with the effects of the abuse of your bipolar loved ones. Loving from a distance is always an option.
Good morning David. I read your post today about abuse. I have a very different problem. My bipolar child is only five years old and eighty pounds . He is not a little lazy fat kid . we had a bone age scan done and it says he is like a large 8 year old. My problem is that he is too young to sit down and reason with .He has never tried to hurt me but he hits and kicks his teacher at school. How do I teach him to calm down when I am not there.
My question is for my friend Susan who is separated from her husband because he is having an affair with another woman & is blatant about it, & pushed Susan to move out about 9 mos ago. Now Sue believes he is bipolar (his symptoms do seem so) & even tho she says she is not excusing his behavior, she is still trying desperately to help him & believes the marriage can be restored if he does. (they have 3 children) Even if this man does have this disorder, she can’t make him get help, he has not even been diagnosed & seems to like his life just the way it is with the new woman. I think Sue thinks if the other woman left that her husband would then get the help he needs. She wants to talk to others who have been in her situation but only has limited access to the internet & can’t find any support groups in her area.(tulsa) Is there anyone out there who has a suggestion? I think she is using this “disorder” to excuse the affair, is just living in denial & should get on with her life. Am I wrong?
well, Its sort of like dealing with a drunk,youre obviously not going to get any where while the person is in amanic phase..like youre not going to get any where with a person whose drunk..some times you have to let it run its course.or yes them to death..but dont let them know youre doing it. you gave the answer yourself…she said “leave me alone” try it.
Also bipolars bring up the past alot in manic phases..i think its because they are tring to reslove issues somehow……
Ok, though my daughter hasnt been officially told she has bipolar but I do I basically tell her to take a deap breath calm down and if that doesnt work I make her hug herself , kick out her feet and sit on her till she either cries or gets her thoughts together! Worse comes to worse I would take her to the hospital for more help! I know what she is going through due to me having it too, but usually she calms when the thought of going back to the hospital sinks in!
Hello, i am the mother of a 13 year old bi-polar son. I too have suffered broken ribs, loss of treasured items and tons of verbal abuse when he is in an episode. It seems like anything i say or try to do to help the situation, makes matters worse. If i walk away he follows. Sometimes it is all I can do to stay objective and not let the words and actions get personal. I first and foremost, make sure he and everyone around him stays safe, I myself, stay calm and do NOT argue with him. This is not the time to try to win the arguement. We have set clear boundaries and he knows that if he gets violent towards me or others or is a threat to himself I will have to call the authorities for assistance. He may have bi-polar, however he is able to distinguish between right from wrong. Good luck.
Mental and verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse, in some cases even more damaging. Broken bones heal, bruises fade away but the continued mental and verbal beatings can cause such damage that will linger for years, challenging even the strongest one’s, self worth. This abuse can leave you feeling confused, devalued and devastated. ABUSE in any form is just that, abuse. It should not be tolerated and no excuse, including your love one being Bipolar, should be allowed.
The best way to truly help someone is to be health yourself. If in order to take care of yourself you must walk away even if it is for awhile you should not feel guilty. You will not be any good to someone else if you are not being good to yourself first
abuse, I can say my wife who I love very muac just went threw a 3day episode and was very verbal. And yes I do think about ending the marriage, because don’t know how much I can stand. But I know her heart, and how much she does loves me, if we where not good friends then got married, I know I would be gone. But when she is on track she is the best. So I stand like a tree, and do my best to not take it personel. Threw prayer and our deep love for the Lord we can work this out. But she gets to a point she wants to hurt me in body. I will get her in the hospital she needs. I made a commitment to God and her to stay the course. And I still feel things will work if we work it, and so far we do
I have seen my bi-polar loved one in many manic episodes. Even through very close calls with suicide attempts. The last one, he sat in his car allowing a train to hit him in the driver’s side door. By the grace of GOD, he is still alive. I love him dearly. I am his best friend and will be from now on, BUT..I have drawn the line with the last suicide attempt. He has to learn that I cannot stop his abusing himself..but I can stop his abusing me. When he is manic, he will argue with a sign post even if he painted it..He is now convinced that God chose his birth and will choose his death. It is not his choice but God’s..Thanks for allowing me to vent…
I have dealt with supporting my now ex-husband who has bi-polar. He was diagnosed 5 years ago. Since he was diagnosed he blamed his behavior on the disease. 2 years ago he tried to commit suicide. I took him to hospital and got him help. About a year later he started to get sick again. I brought him to the doctors numerous times. He was unwilling to get counselling. The doctor increased his medicine. He had an anger episode almost monthly for 9 months. I came home from work one night and he told me he was going to leave me. I offered to take to the hospital to get him help. He agreed he needed help but refused. Than when I was almost asleep he attacked me. He physically abused me. Still after 6 months he will not take responsibility for his actions or behavior. He tells my oldest son he did nothing wrong. It is all my fault. This is a horrible ending to 17 years of marriage. I don’t think anybody should have to go threw this. This is such a horrible disease if not kept under control. If they refuse to get any kind of help or they don’t take responsibility for their actions or behaviors. I believe nobody should have to put up with abuse rather it is mental or physical.
what about when there is a child in the home and no where for that child to go when that person becomes verbally and/or physically abusive to the spouse?
My son is 21 now and is Bi-polar my problem is i discovered i also am Bi-polar i found out at 38 i’m ow 51. The two of us living together has driven my husband out of the house and his 19 year old brothwer into total withdrawl. I’m pretty good. I have a few episodes crying and depression rapid talking. But my son is cycling so fast from death wishes to violent behavior destroyig property. He also hates crowds and does not have one friend. I am his only hope. He does see therapists but they never last long and he always goes back to his old ways i’m dying inside watching my son go through this. I have called 51/50 over 7 times in 5 years. he has been in and out of institutions when he was under 18. I am so lost. I am getting help myself now but the verbal abuse is scaring me deeply.Any advice?
Good morning David;
I am 75 years old with 3 adult children who are dealing with bi-polar.
My first son (bi-polar) died of an overdose (cocaine)’
My eldest Daughter 51 is taking meds and does quite well.
My 54year old son who was diagnosed at 50 is terribly verbally abusive to me. I thought if I just let him get it out what ever was botheing him it would help. My husband say he uses me like a doormat. He won,t try this on his father!
My mother who is 93 lives with me, so she is always telling me to forgive him. I tried this for 4years and its not working.
So after reading some of your articles, I have deceided my health is going down hill along with my self esteem, so..I have decided to set down firm bounderies. It has been 4weeks and he has not called, however I know he is fine through a friend of ours.
I am begining to have some self worth again!
Thank you for your column, it always good to listen to different approaches.
I did know better but I felt different when I read your column.
By the way I have volunteered as chair of the Advisory Committee for 7 years (Mental Health and Addiction.
But sometimes we are too close to the problem.
Thank you once again! Bev
Hi David,
Found this today online and was wondering if you have checked it out. The website is “Beliefnet”. I’ve been reading on this site for awhile now and just found out they have some “stuff” on Bipolar disorder. Didn’t get a good chance to go through any of it. below is an example. Maybe a good place to advertise your site and a good place for your faithful readers to educate and gain spirituality at the same time. I’ll be curious to hear what you think. Shauna
8 Ways to Help Your Bipolar Loved One Cope
Tips and tools for being there through the ups and downs of bipolar disorder
Depression and bipolar disorder are family diseases. Everyone who shares a kitchen and a bathroom is affected. In fact, in his book Understanding Depression, J. Raymond DePaulo Jr., M.D., writes, “Depression…has a much greater impact on marital life than rheumatoid arthritis or cardiac illness. One study found that only severe forms of cancer affected a family as adversely as depression or bipolar disorder.”
My manic depression could have easily wrecked my marriage and my relationships with my two children. Instead, we emerged as a tighter, stronger unit. How? Here are eight ways my husband Eric helped me cope-tips for families on how, exactly, to hang in there with a loved one who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
Read the first way to help your bipolar loved one.
Therese J. Borchard is the author of Beyond Blue, Beliefnet’s spirituality and mental health blog.
Continued on Slide 2: 1. Educate Yourself »
While I certainly don’t condone physical or verbal abuse, what I have learned from my 30 year old son who was diagnosed as bipolar 2 years ago, is that the verbal abuse is going to happen, a lot. I know he drew back on my husband one day and then ended up walking away and did not hit. As far as the verbal abuse, my other son kept telling me mom, you can’t take it personal, that is very difficult to not do. because at the time it seems so personal. I do not know if they mean it or not. I have been told by past girlfriends that he always says he hates me, I guess because i point out his wrongs and I am learning that does no good. So, who knows what the correct answer is? I guess it is on a personal basis of how much you are willing to take. Do they know they are doing it at the time??? I would sure like an answer to that one, because that makes a difference,m but if they don’t know, how can you hold them accountable?
Hello Everyone,
I too have a son who is verbally abusive towards everyone sometimes – it has caused his own sister and brother to distance themselves from him they just don’t understand how I can let this happen. I sometimes loose control myself and all that does is make all of us angry and hurt…I continue to try and understand why? and I think I am getting there. I do not want to take this verbal abuse any longer he is in treatment and now just starting some meds. I will wait and see…my payers are with all of you as well as your loved ones… keep the faith and rember the recipe for bi-polar I loved it
Thanks
Christina
Hi David i read your post for abussive bipolar and a Question pop in my mind verbal abuse is part of bipolar disorder why my loved one always take it against me never to others fist it was against his mom now is always me and is always about cheating him it dont matter how much i proof or show him how much i love him is always me.He calls me bad word insulted me never hit or try to but verbal is amazing and then leave the house for several weeks hidin from me with a supportiv mother who always see this is right but i think no is not right. He can be in danger since during the episode he loose his mind and is not resonsible for his conduct. Please tel more about what to do? Or is time to leave walk away even loving him like i do….
Just after this new year, 2009, my daughter was getting out of control and I told her I would have to take her to the hospital or call an ambulance. This fell on deaf ears and as I was calling for an ambulance she escaped through her bedroom window at about 6.10pm Thursday night. She was found 22 hours later about 1 hours drive away. Eventually the police escorted her to the hospital and she was involuntarily admitted to the mentally ill ward where she stayed for 10 days. It was devestating to watch, however, out of all of this she now knows what will happen in the future if she does this again. We have put a contract in place where she has to abide by or there will be consequenses she will have to face. Not long after she was admitted she was taken off as an involuntary patient and put on a voluntary patient but as much as it hurt I left her in there as she, and I, was not ready to come home. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. There have been many changes at home but one thing for sure, I don’t think she will be running away from home any time soon. She learnt just because she has bipolar there are still consequenses with her actions.
I am a grandmother of a 13 yr.old adopted granddaughter that has many challenges besides bi-polar, oppositional defiance disorder, ADD and ADHD. She also has a 7 yr old brother (also adopted) and now an 18 month old BIO sister. She has increasingly become out of control with all her challenges but is now not afraid to lash out and become physical with all in the household. My ex son in law has been very good in his visiting weekly and giving my daughter a “break” but it NEVER stops the episodes which are becoming everyday. School has some programs in place but she still has very disruptive behavior to the point of throwing desks at teachers and hitting kids if they tease her. If she is allowed by the teachers, she will sleep the day away and then come home on bus and create havoc. According to mental health agencies (through inquiries from school counselors and other professionals) they are underfunded and basically have no space. Police have responded several times and a letter is on file with “911” if there is a call to that address, warning them ahead of the issues there. I am so petrified for Mom, brother and baby sister as they live in a two level house and she has come very close to shoving and pushing on the upper level… No matter how involved we are as grandparents, we can’t be there 24/7 to help. Thanks so much!
Michelle You mentioned power of person to put someone in the hospital—What is that and how do you get one of those?
I have Bi-Polar and I have been abusive before. I don’t feel like anyone should have to take abuse. No one should have to be abused.
My son & I did sit down and make an arrangment on what to do during an episode. For the most part it works.
My question to you is: Am I suppose to take abuse from my loved one? He(My Son) has been here for me but I have never physically abused him. He is verbally abusive to me and the other day we had a very bad argument and he shoved me and I shoved him back. It was horrible. I have been verbally abusive to him before because I went off my medications own my own. He had violent outbursts and horrible mood swings also. Is it possible Bi-Polar is genetic?
I just hate our arguing!
I am by-polar and have never been violent. (Well, when I was just a kid, Okay-my bad) and it is a myth that BP, or what ever mental illness one might have, are violent! So, cut it out!
We just need your love, true love, and family – what ever that looks like.
So, get over it whiners! Go love someone!
Good night!
Yours,
acg
All I’m really saying is – it ain’t the norm we will not hurt you– Every Farking one is mentally ill. Yeah, you are 2 reader!
Is your reality more real then mine! My reality rocks! Does yours?
Anyhow, there are tons more UN diagnosed psycho-paths out there. Your son, husband, daughter, wife, GF, BF is your freaking family and not one of those. Be thankful! Go love someone!
acg
I’ll make this short – “sticks and stones may break my bones, but – words can KILL me.” Verbal and emotional abuse are just as DEADLY as physical violence. The words stay in the mind/emotions, and are NEVER forgotten. If you have an abusive spouse/child/parent – either get them help, if possible – or LEAVE. It’s not worth your own health to stay in such a relationship.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
Okay! Good night for real! LOVE all you supPorters! Good on ya!
acg
Your too sensitive there Suzanne. AND quit praying for our country (if you in the US). We’re all good now…
Yours
acg
My dear Annie – If you grew up with a sarcastic and blistering father, you’d be SENSITIVE, too. Although my adopted Dad “trained” me to be work-worthy at a young age – and encouraged my talents – he had the “gift” of always saying the WRONG thing at the WRONG time. I WAS emotionally and verbally abused by him – and those scars DON’T heal. I loved my Dad – but he, being emotionally scarred as a child, took it out on me (this was BEFORE my diagnosis at 20). There were even times when he’d take a knife and aim it at my heart!
I’m NOT being sensitive – I’m being REALISTIC.
Sorry Suzanne! You mean a lot to me. I have read your post here and I am connected! Don’t hate me cuz I’m crazy!
yours
acg
BTW I’m very drunk! So, take me as you will…
acg
For those out there thinking that he is lying about someone with bipolar disorder possibly being violent and could possibly be dangerous, he is not the one lying, you are lying to yourself if you say it’s not true.
11 years, that is how long I have lived and dealt with my wife’s bipolar disorder. I don’t yell, fight, abuse, take advantage or criticize my wife because of her disorder. We have three beautiful children that deal with her outbursts also.
My wife lies often about stupid things; recently she has been lying about something big.
My wife got violent and attacked me on Dec of 2007, I dealt with it, and everything was ok after that. This is not the first time, but I learned to understand and deal with it.
She seems like she fantasizes about domestic problems, she is sometimes delusional about circumstances. I broke an iron by an accident one day and afterwards she wrote a statement against me saying I threw it at her and fragments fell on my 2 yr old daughter. I wasn’t aware of this before, but she has been telling friends and family, including staff at the YMCA, her church congregation and more, that I have been abusive to her for years and I threw an iron at her and I punched her in the face and beat her up in Dec of 2007.
November of 2008, the police knocked at my door, handed me a Domestic Violence Statement with a court order to have injunction against me. I’m still taking Preventive Battering Classes every Thursday, trying to pay a child support amount at about 90% of my income, I can’t live on that. My license is threatened to be taken away and driving is my occupation, I may be arrested if I don’t finish my battering classes. At class they want me to admit to what is written on the statement against me because they will “throw me out of the class” if I don’t assimilate or coo operate, I won’t admit to what I didn’t do, and they periodically record the class. My kids are being manipulated by my wife into thinking I did do these things to my wife. On visitations my oldest son of nine years told me so. In about two months I won’t be able to see my children because of unpaid child support, I cannot pay that much. Right now I can only see my kids 4 days per month.
I have a lot of other problems related to this also.
Do you people know why?
TOO MANY GOD DAMN PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO SAY THE TRUTH ABOUT BIPOLAR DISORDER.
From the people writing the Violence Against Women’s Act (VAWA), to the judge and police enforcing the laws, and the Department of Children’s and Families (DCF), and to all those regular people out there. Everyone out there is ignorant to Mental Disease because of people not admitting that there IS A POSSIBILITY that this disorder can be dangerous.
SO WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY COMES AROUND AGAIN, AND SOMEONE NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT THE REAL TRUTH IS, TELL THEM, DON’T BEAT AROUND THE BULL CRAP. DON’T LIE.
This is not the only story out there just like mine, all you need to do is look online.
I am one of those extremely supportive people of people with a mental disease.
Let me rephrase that, I USED to be extremely supportive for people with mental disease. But ignorance and lies have ruined my life and my children’s lives, so my advice is to tell the truth.
what do you do when you need medication but it does not work?
i have a good doctor but he will not give me what i reqire!
i feel a An episod goming on and i do not know what to do.
give me an e mail with a possible awnser.
You moderators are too slow – passing now! Good night Suzanne. Tomorrow eh?
acg
Hi Dave
My husband is bipolar, I am at my wits end, all he does is sl eep. I am talking up to 20 hours a day. Waking him up in a morning takes 45 minutes of constant nagging. After which he verbally abusese me and insists he has done me a favour by getting out of bed He doesn’t have a job, has only worked for 2 years out of 12. appears to have no interest in getting one, I work 8 part time jobs. 12 hours a day. I do all the housework and he sees nothing wrong in this, according to him all I do is nag at him, he is vastly overweight, does not exercise at all, he eats like a pig he does not even chew his food. We have just been through an episode in which he was hospitalized for 6 weeks, this has taken its toll on me, yet still everything is about him. Where does his selfishness stop and bipolar kick in……. he uses his bipolar as an excuse for everything, sleeping, eating, not working. Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest, we live in the middle east and there is no support group and nobody understands what I am going through, I honestly think my only option is to leave him as I can not take anymore of his selfishness and sheer refusal to understand that it is not healthy for me to do so much and him to do so little. Can anyone offer advise, he sees a doctor, refuses to see a counsellor, he did see one and she told him a few home truths so he swore at her and walked out. I can not take any more, I guess we will be another bipolar divorce statistic.
Oh wow, do I ever have a story about all this… in a nutshell emotional, verbal and physical abuse is not good for you or kids (if you have them). I tried to solve the problem for 20 years and finally decided to walk away… meds … the person involved or who is bipolar has to be seeing a doctor and on meds otherwise walk away… get out of the relationship b/c it will only escalate… you have to learn to love yourself enough to walk away.
While I would never tolerate physical violence from anyone, I did put up with a great deal of verbal abuse from my boyfriend during his episode. I knew then as much as now, that he didn’t mean any of it – it was the bipolar demon talking, not my loving man. When he was discharged from the psych ward he didn’t remember anything he had said or done.
D, it’s not a good idea to wait for the crash. Do all that is possible to get your loved one into treatment.
SUZANNE, I agree that verbal and emotional abuse by a parent can be very damaging to a child. I have my own experience of this. Your parents constantly reminding you that they are disappointed with you because you did not turn out the way they wanted doesn’t help your self-esteem. This is not the same as your loved one being verbally abusive during an episode.
My son is nineteen years old and has only recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. He sometimes becomes very abusive, both verbally and physically. He often tells me to just leave him alone. He is not physically disabled, however, so I do just leave him alone. His episodes are much shorter lived if I leave him alone versus trying to deal with him when he is enraged. I would not leave anyone completely alone who is helpless, but I would leave the room and give them some time alone. My son’s episodes come much less often and do not last as long when he is consistently taking his medication.
Hi Dave – My loved one is always abusive to me, probably every week I get insulted and punch and kick and being pushed and one day I fell down and hurt myself. I dont do anything I just stand there, because if I do something she might kill me with that rage she’s in. After a few minutes she comes back and apologise and said she doesnt know why she does it, because I try to help her in anyway I can, she told me she’s evil and why dont I kick her out. I dont have the heart to kick her out because she doesnt have anywhere to go. But she has promise me that she will not hurt me again. I am still waiting and see if its true. She wont be able to survive without me, but I am trying to get more help for her.
The new doctor might help her or change her medication
I am just waiting to see what happen in the second appointment.
Best regards
Ange
Hey, I am a bipolar surviver. My mother was bipolar; and my dad committed suicide after alot of attempts. He wanted a divorce from mom but instead of running away and disappearing he finally got drunk and killed himself. That was in the day when you could not get a divorce unless your spouse said it was okay. I lived thru their fights and arguments. I know mom was a dictator and would be mean to us and cut us down in front of the rest of our family.
I was told that when I was teaching children that I should not yell at the kids. I thought it was because I very, very rarely yelled at anyone. When I was teaching I would have a child start crying I would try and do something to make him laugh. And all the children enjoyed that time in class.
It wasn’t till now that I found out that I do have a problem with my temper. Just as my mom did I yell at my husband or others whenever I have something out of the ordinary happen; anything that happens and I go into a crisis mode. (flight or fight mode} And it is a feeling and a response that I have now whenever something upsets my regular routine. I have just realized it in the past few months. I had a nervous system test taken and found this out. From what I am learning alot of bipolar people have this problem. I am now taking adrenal support and I still have the problem at times. I have found out I need this medicine and I need a routine where I spend time praying and reading scripture before I begin my day. This has helped me calm down somewhat.
Plus I am going to a class with other people with bipolar and other mental illnesses. We are setting goals and breaking down the goals into smaller steps that will help us with this goal. I know I was blaming my husband for being negative and complaining all the time. And saying that was why I am negative all the time. WHY was it so easy to say this? All because for a while I had learned to be positive about life; and I would always find a positive solution to people’s complaints. BUT I have found out that I am the ONLY person I can really control. AS I SAID I had thought mom and my husband were the problem, but now I realize that the problem was mine too. So that means I too need to find a way to express or deal with my anger. I know that by writing this down I can help myself find out what my problem is and how I can solve it for myself or to at least improve my mood or my temper. So that I too do not take my anger out on others too.
Why I originally started to write was my story with marrying my prior husband. I knew he was bipolar before I married him. I knew he went into the manic at times and spent all his money on something he really did not need. I knew what to do about that. I would handle all the finanances. Well that worked out all right for a while, but one day he did not give me his check or give me money to run the household. We had gone to the grocery store nearby. Well while I was buying groceries he spent all his pay check and we did not have money for bills. I had to arrange to get money for those bills. Plus another time he left the door open and my money came up missing from my purse. Well I locked him out of the house and after I finally let him back in we went to the bank and he got lost and did not get home for hours. And I had to go to the rent office and have maintenance help me get into the apartment. And they knew that just a day or so before he had been locked out and I would not let him in for hours.
That still is not why I wrote this message. What I wanted to write about was how I handled the situation when That same husband threatened to kill me. I got so upset that even though hours later he told me if I paid half of the bills he would not not kill me. It was not possible for me to pay 1/2 of the bills. So I walked out and met with my case manager and told her what he had said. She arranged for me to go to a crisis center for a week and then I moved into a personal care home for a month and then finally I moved into another apartment at a reduced price based on my income. Well Is that the end of the story?? No. I kept in contact with his family and with his Doctors and one day I got a phone call and found out he had finally ended up in a mental hospital. I was glad that he finally was getting help. I arranged for him to go into a personal care home where he ended up and we spent quality time together. And then life went on; and we went places together and did things together. And we were still on speaking terms and we were still friends when he died years later in a nursing home. He still for a long time had wanted to move back with me, but I could not financially afford to keep him at home.
Hi – and can I first say thank you to all your posts. It is such a big help just to read about others in similar situations, though it is devastating too.
My husband is undiagnosed but I am now as sure as I can be that he is bipolar. I wish I had realised sooner so that I would have stopped taking the horrid emotional abuse personally, causing things to escalate into awful arguments. My husband is currently not talking to me, he doesn’t even look at me or acknowledge me (some might say this is better than the usual arrogant, aggressive, hateful confrontation and I guess in a way it is but this is pretty heartbreaking). This is since I had to go for some time out to stay with a friend for two nights (I did let him know I was going). I went in despair to my GP to ask what to do but found no support for myself. I was just told I need to be strong, ride it out, not to argue. And I was told it was a bad move to leave my home, I probably made things worse. And I have. This is all and awful lot of pressure. I feel very very sad, worried, lonely and confused. I love him and I miss him. I am determined to act as normal as possible, keep making dinner every night to make sure he eats well. At home he shuts himself in the TV room and stays there until very late although he has work in the morning, I suspect he is unable to sleep. He is going out drinking heavily a lot too. My aim is to make sure he knows I am there for him and I am just hanging on to the faith that he will in fact come out of this if I just give him the space he needs. In the meantime I am trying to keep my life as normal as possible – which is easier on some days than others. My friends have been terrific, though I have only told two what is happening. I hope, truly I am doing the right thing, and that my real husband will re-emerge. The next hurdle will be to discuss this with him and get him diagnosed. That is however a huge one that I fear will not happen. But I can’t think about that now. I have to take things one day at a time for my own sake.
Hey, you didn’t respond to the VERBAL and EMOTIONAL abuse we have to take. I told my husband that if he doesn’t get help, that the next time this happens, I will take a 2 week vacation (or until he’s over it). He thinks that’s terrible and says it would feel as though I was leaving him. What do you think?
My name is David, my response is #40, I’m the one with legal problems and have the three kids.
Please protect yourselves legally also. If your husband is drinking it will make it a LOT worse. If he’s violent to you, your afraid he may have more dangerous intentions, then protect yourself physically also by keeping away. If you have kids you need to leave.
As a man, society expects me and all men to be strong mentally and physically, which I am, but when that same society is ignorant to menntal illness, your gonna be on your own. I am devistated, more for my childrens sake, but as a man, society believes that it is more likely a man that will be the abuser. It is not all totally true, the differance is a man won’t file an abuse case, because men are trained to be this way, but if you are a woman and truelly being abused mentally and physically you need to have something documented, especially if your husband has not been diagnosed. I am forever labeled by the court system as an abuser and life is not fair but it’s not the end for me because my children still need me, I need to do more to get information about mental desease and domestic abuse to legeslators and hope this doesn’t happen to someone else. Protect yourself
FilesX4@yahoo.com
I a story of my own. Like everyone with bipolar diorder does.I have to say that during my own episodes that I to can be very verbally abusive toward the ones that I love and others that are simply just trying to help me some at times my words and actions are truly vicious to the point of being cruel. I also have blind rage attacks.My blind rage attacks don’t come as often as they used to.I tend not to like most people at all and I stay to myself,Because I do not play well with others,so to speak.I guess unless you are the one that suffers from this disorder one can never completely understand it. It is a struggle for me just to get through the day with out being a bitch and biting somebody’s head off. I have a vicious diposition.Should your loved ones walk away from you because of your disorder, well that depends on how much that they love you and how much of the abuse that they are willing to endure. To be quite honest, Hell there are days that I wish that I could leave me. However that is not possible. I would honestly have to say that if the person that has the disorder refuses to seek treatment and the abuse continues to spite all of your support and efforts, then one has to walk away from thier abuser and do what is healthy for them until the person that suffers from the disorder is willing to seek traetment and follows through with it. I hope that this has been helpful to you.
I have lived in the disorder for most of my life. I can say that as a child I was afraid of my mother. She self medicated became abusive both verbally and physically. She self medicated and complained of every illness known to man. She was sexually inappropriate and cheated on my father and created so many financial problems that our house was nearly auctioned off at the court house. She stole money, jewelry, and hoarded anything she bought. So many unnecessary things. Clothes that didn’t fit to liquor bottles in every drawer of th house. Her idea of house keeping was to sweep the filth under an area rug or under the bed or throw it into a closet that was already stacked to the ceiling with stored items. She hid bills, money problems, and extramarital relationships. Through it all dad stuck by her. I was one of five children, and we all left home with emotional damage from the abuse, neglect, and physical torture. We all had to deal with a future that included drugs, alcohol, due to a lack of knowledge on how to see a problem to a logical conclusion. No body should stay with an abusive individual, fear is one of the forms of control used. Power and control are cruel when used unbridled with mental illness. Children exposed to this are damaged and unprepared to meet life on lives terms. Life to a child in the abusive home is all about fear and living one step in front of the hammer. Fear is a mental illness caused by abusive persons who choose not to treat the disorder with doctor and medication. I am a survivor. Thank God for friends, for my faith, and my ability to forgive. I am blessed with piece and have a plan for my bi polar grandchild. That plan does not include me accepting any physical abulse, verbal will be limited and I have a safe space in my home where I can be alone and at peace and safe. Yet I am able to monitor what my loved one is doing without direct contact. The episodes are shorter and less violent and we start the day over. When she is able to gain control again. This works for now. As she gets older I am willing to do what ever it takes to protect myself and others from abuse due to her mental illness. I cannot support her and do it effectively if boundaries are not set. Police can and will be called. She must live and abide by the same laws I am required to follow. Assault and verbal abuse are not lawful or ok. Hospitalization is an ever looming possibility. Wish my father could have been a supporter both of his mentally ill wife but also save his children from the horrors of illness untreated or self medicated. I have a plan to protect and best serve the health needs of my loved one as well as the well being and safety of myself and anyone who comes in contact with her illness. The consequences are hers she knows right from wrong. All of this has been explained to her in very clear step by step in the presence of a councelor who knew she was violet at times. Since this was set down very clearly to her, she has been less likely to go out of bounds with her behavior. Medication and doctors have been the glue that has held all of this together and kept me loving her today and always. In behavior or out. Boundaries are key to keeping things real.
Thank you Rose very helpful…Reading your post from the top it could have been written by my husband…I wish I could help him so desperately but I know I can’t. I am scared that as the days, weeks go by, when he finally (if?!) come round it will be too late and he will have pushed me away too far. I don’t want that to happen, i so truly hope we can come through this.
Nancy. I am exhausted by the emotional and verbal abuse, that is all I can say. I took two days out like I said in my previous post and it did me a world of good re-energising me but since then he’s not speaking to me. So I can’t really say whether I would advise time out or not – at this time I had no choice for my own sanity’s sake. Ultimately I guess you need to think of number one…At least it sounds like your husbands knows what he is doing to you? I haven’t had this ackowledgment as he insists I am to blame for most things.
I have been reading the comments and am quite disheartened. I was dignosed with BP 3yrs ago although I am sure I have been BP for at least 30yrs! My problem is that my family verbally abuse me! my husband has physically abused me- sometimes so badly I have needed medical attention-even hospitalisation!
I always thought it was “my fault” because I know I say & do some awful things when IM in an episode.
I am physically disabled having had 7 spinal surgeries, none of which were successful.
My problem is- I live in a country (not my birth country) where I am not entitled to any government monetary assistence. My question is this. “what should I Do” without my husband,s financial support I could not survive- so should I move out & become a “streetperson” or stay & hope thet he does not kill me in one of his rages!
My husband broked his silence this morning to call me an evil b*&%h because I’d put his football socks in the wash when they didn’t need it (they did) and he needed them for football today. He never plays football normally on Sundays and he hadn’t told me. I am doing this in purpose to f*?%k with his head, he says. Seriously.
Martina, I know how you must feel.One of my problems is similar. My Husband “mislays” his car keys, mobile phone etc in the house. He accuses me of having moved them.When he locates the missing item, and remembers having put it there, he gudginly apologises (until the nxt time).I sometimes FEEL like moving his stuff, just to annoy him, but dont dare!
hi all,l have major problems with my female partner,she has been causing me criminal trouble for years,abuses me daily mainly verbaly,and her language is very satanic,swearing out loud in and out of the house,neighbours and residents nearby want her off the property as she continuously abuses and doesnt care. has lied to her friends and family,that l bash her and abuse her,destroyed relations with my freinds and my work,vandalised my car and the house,smashing windows kicking walls in,smashing anything thats in reach.her three young children have been taken off her by dept of human services,they really want nothing to do with her,has blown all her money,and keeps bying and spending,she constantly calls my mother filthy names and how shes going to cop a bullet.when trying to discuss these issues with her she either hangs up the phone in my face or imediately goes into a raging fit.she has never apologised for anything she has done and refuses to acknowledge these atrocities,lve been with her for 8yrs now and what a waste of life she is an extreme hand full.on one occasion ta 5.30 in the morning she had another attack where this time she kicked the front door in and chopped my finger off.ln hospital just before the operation she made trouble with the nurses,acuseing them of flerting with me,security was called and she was ordered off the hospital property.she has been working as a prostitute for three years,and still blows the money on gambling,problems is she associates with all sorts of people and enjoys telling stories of being bashed,abused and even raped,the ‘heavies she adores have warned me that if she is touched again lwill be sorted out.how do you deal with alier,she constantly rings police screaming abuse,she has been warned by police that anymore bad behaviour that she will be taken and possibly charged,well that day did happen,and when her father found out,l automatically was atacked by her father.l lived with by partner for avery short time,but it was unbearable under the same roof so lmoved out,she does not know where l live,but thinks that my investment property is being leased out she has been diagnosed with bipolar 2,apparently she see’s someoneabout it,dont know if she takes medication for it though,every time l speak about it she goes off tap.l really want her out of my life,lm not a full time carer, or anurse with her thats how l feel always at her service 24/7.but when l speak,lm promptly silenced,any way this is part of my story . john
I have a son who is bi-polar.he also has a substance abuse issue which would be “dual disorder” or “co-occurring” disorder.The problem is in this country and especially in south carolina the mental health centers are underfunded.My son needs special treatment which is hard to get in this state.The point is he has been violent but only when off of medication.I have to make sure he takes his meds and at the right time.I do not take no for an answere and I tell him I can not have any contact with him if he doesn’t take his medication.It is important also to go to regular counseling.People with bi-polar have a hard time functioning without the extra support.My son has been violent at times.YOu have to “de escalate them.Sometimes if I ask him questions about things he likes or change the subject he will begin calming down.Then I have to remind him why he’s doing what he is doing.Agitating them only makes things worse.Speak calmly and do not raise your voice.Do not argue at all.Try to get their focus on something they find to be pleasant to them.Do some “remember whens” that will bring good feelings and memories.It’s hard not to get mad but it just makes the situation worse.You have to be calm for them.
I am a codependant, recovering alcoholic, married to my 5th wife and I am the normal one in the relationship.
I need help! My wife refuses to see a doctor as she denies all of the behavior and sticks by a diagnosis of ” clinical depression” from 10pluss years ago.
He brother was bi-polar according to her mom until he passed away six years ago. Head on crash at 100 mph, it was an accident, for sure…right?
I have read this blog for six months and as i only play a doctor on TV, my wife is bi-polar rapid cycling BPII, lets say.
The anger and verbal abuse is unreal, and I have become so sick and allowed my self esteme to be so damaged that I feel trapped and keep on enabling the abuse, I am afraid to leave,I remember the great person under the monster thaT HAS MANIFESTED HER BODY.
Ok, she broke my finger and has torn some stuff up in the house, but mostly I am not aFRAID OF HER HURTING me. My family is afraid for me though. She has spent all the money, had afairs with old boyfriends, and anything that she does that has a negative outcome, somehow turns out to be my fault. Explain that pumpkin.
Is my only hope to just get out? How do I do that? She is only a three headed monster every three or four days?
Byron Neathery
byronneathery@yaHOO.COM
I typed in Bi-polarthetruth!
Why on Earth did I get you?
To believe your Shit One would need an IQ under15!
Piss off! PUPPET!
I am very eleted to be reading these experience, this is confirmation that my decision was right. I was seperated 5 months ago, from my bi-polar husband, and I am seeking a divorce. I first have to love my self first
On the divorce scale, bipolar is now rating as another cause for divorce, this should. live or die, if you chose to continue.
the choice is your today.
Bi-polar survivor, Indiana
I have had newsletters from David for quite a time now and I am gratefull for all the information given. I have a mild bipolar problem but my so called partner has terrible moodswings and displays extreme bi-polar symptoms. He also has a terrible drink problem and does not let me sleep or get on with things today he has threatened to smash a plate in my face. as I live in london the police will only act if he really harms me there are many phone numbers to call and websites to visit but no-one is there to help. The police will remove him from my flat it is my place where he lives but he will get back in as he is not removed permanantly. I need more advice as I do get depressed and I have no real power to cope with this problem.
The more information I read on Bipolar the mopre convinced that my father was one. I remember the emotional & verbal abuse like it was yesterday: calling me a “dumb b-tch” for having one B on a report card ans the rest A’s – Telling my adopted brother “go back to the streets of DC where you belong!” if hr got in trouble for something. Then he would change and be all nicey-nice and we were supposed to act like nothing ever happened. Well it DID happen! My mom is still in denial of the damage done, saying things like “nobody took it seriously.” Oh yeah, ask us three kids!
I remember seeing a prescription bottle called Lithium or Librium – some name like that. Of course my mom still denies that such a prescription existed. I remember the security guards from the government agency where my father worked coming to our house, removing my father, and confiscating his prized Ruger Bearcat pistol when I was high school.
You may think you can’t help your Bipolar or your abuse of other people and they should just take it, but let me give you a clue: none of us kids has EVER been to our father’s grave, and it’a been 11 years.
I am on my third year of an verbally abusive relationship with a bipolar man. The first couple years I blamed the bipolar. I finally had had enough when he and my 12 year old daughter (from a previos relationship)were swearing, calling me horrible names and corniering me in my room. It had finally hit me that my daughter thought it was okay to behave this way and talk to me like this. I was a single mom before I met him and never raised my daughter to be like this. I kicked him out of the house (and in 2 days he got an OUI). I took him back a few days later which I know now I needed more time. He has been taking his meds but that doesnt seem to work. He has been nicer when hes not manic but is still abusive when he is. I just cant allow him to get close to me and be affectionate with him. I just dont know what to do anymore???
I was told to leave my husband. I did but the abuse continued as Alicia wrote about – verbal, text, any way he could. Threats, intimidation. What did you do about the kids seeing him. My son has complex post trauma and refuses to even talk to him. The psychologist says this is ok becuase he has to heal before he can handle any more stress, yet my husband blames me and says i’m poisoning my son’s mind. He too tricks the doctors and therapists into saying he is cured. It is so sick. We tried protection orders but it made him way worse. Right now we are trying to just keep tight boundaries. No phone, no email, and unfortunately we can’t even talk to anyone we know because he twists everything everyone says. I do not have any emotional support left to deal with him from anyone becuase he has bad mouthed me over a bad side effect he had from a medication. I’m just wondering how long it takes for mania to burn itself out – 2 years is a long time. But they also give him antidepressants b/c he threatens them and lies about being depressed so he can keep his manic high going. It is like a drug addict, that is the only way I can compare it to something. The abuse is a habit. That is his way of communicating and he won’t learn any new way because he does not want to. He wants to be abusive, he has told me this over and over and over. My son’s health has improved greatly since we made new boundaries but we still do not talk to anyone or have any contact with any friends because he has threatened all of them too. It is like fighting a war without any weapons. We have never left before and it has been over 3 months with only seeing him twice (both times my son became extremely upset and his health declined again) so I’m not sure how long maybe someone has to leave to stop the abuse. If someone does not want to stop being abusive they will not stop.
I just finished the book “The Soloist”. Although the main character (and it’s based on a true story) is schizophrenic – when bipolar mania is out of control it resembles and has schizophrenic overtones and undertones. This was a very encouraging book from where we sit to view the path bipolar has taken our family member. . . to neverland and back again and again. . .
Help me to help my grandson stay safe.
I have a 28 year old daughter that has been ill all her life. She has had 2 open heart surgeries,and has a neurology diease called von Recklinhausen Neurofibromatosis, which causes numerous fibromas and almost always some form of mental retardation. She has had 3 back surgeries as well. She has had problems with mood swings and erractic behavior since 1998. She thought that she was facing a 3rd heart surgery and after spending a week in the hospital and many tests she was told that she did not need surgery but she should consider getting psychiatric help. She just recently she was admitted to a psych ward for a week, she had admitted to 5 suicide attempts and hurting her son. She was diagnosed with bipolar, they started her on lithium 300mg 2 times a day and clonazepam 0.5mg 2 times a day.
She treated her stay in the psych ward as a party that she was having fun at and had made new friends. One of these friends was in there for addiction to oxy cotin, she immediately left home and moved in with him. Since April 4 she has borrowed $1600 in cash and bought a new car. They used the money to party on and now she is broke. She draws $637 SSI a month so there is no way she can pay all this. She left her son with me and we were in the process of getting me court appointed guardian. She rescended this and was still mistreating her son. I forced to get an emergency order of protection.
Since the order of protection she has called family members saying she is in the hospital and going to have heart surgery. She says she is privately admitted and that if I want to call her I will have to call her cell. I hate to say this but since it has been only 3 weeks since the doctors said she did not need heart surgery I feel this is a ploy to get me to call her and break the order of protection. I told my son that I would need the hospital and room number that I would not call her cell, as calling her cell would not prove she is even in the hospital, and being admitted privately prevents me from calling the hospitals to verify she is in the hospital.
My main concern right is her 5 year old son and what all of this is doing to him. I want to keep him in a safe and stable environment. I need any information that may help me to keep her son and my grandson safe and in a stable environment.
Hi, I have a personal question to MOTHERS with BP
As an only child my mother would have episodes of Rage!
She was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive to me. To this day she feels she has done “nothing wrong” as she says b.c. she has Bipolar. She to this day will not take meds. How do i Forgive her for all of the neglact and abuse I have endured as a child. To this day I have had to go to psychologists, counsellors on and on because of this. I feel it is unfair, as life can be in her eyes too. I love her and I still suffer abuse as I am a Co-dependant. Since she has literally NO ONE BUT HER ONLY DAUGHTER I have no idea WTF to do.
I HATE psychologists, because they DONT have bipolar, so why should they judge or give “meds to help me” when they dont know wtf their talking about. They say I’ve HANDLED IT WELL. Well bud, I sure effin have. Now can someone please tell me what i should do with my mother and I’s relationship. Can I forgive her for the child abuse she “forgets” since she was so enraged?
Re: The debate about whether or not people with bipolar disorder or other psychiatric diagnoses are violent
So often these debates take on a misleading black and white quality.
1. I see a lot of horror stories here about people with bipolar disorder who have been, and still are, being violent.
2. I also see a lot of horror stories here about people with bipolar disorder who are verbally abusive.
First, I believe all of you. You say that in your situation your loved one is abusive. It sounds awful. Consider your feelings and struggles validated by me, and please accept my best wishes for all of you. I’m sorry.
That said, these particular people who have bipolar disorder are not statistically representative of the overall percentage of all people with bipolar disorder.
So, it’s not EITHER “they” are violent, OR “they” are not violent.
Consider as well:
Most people who come to this blog because you are directly affected by bipolar disorder, or you live with someone who has it. And a lot of times it sounds like all involved are suffering a lot, right now. There is more concern and emotion about managing the moment than speculating about the past or the future. It’s crisis mode, and you want/need help.
We don’t hear from nearly as many people here who are doing well. There are some, I know. But if you look around the whole blog, there’s more concern about symptomatic behavior than celebration of stability.
And those who are stable must already have their own successful way of coping. They aren’t looking for something comprehensive such as the systems promoted here. We’ll never meet them here.
It’s helpful to you, but unnecessary for lots of other people dealing with the illness. Those people, we probably won’t meet.
Just try and imagine how many people with bipolar disorder are out there, doing well, who haven’t been surfing the net looking for an answer.
13 Million people have the condition, right? There are quite a few folks we can’t account for. I’m not going to guess at the number of those who are stable. I just think it’s important to consider before making black and white statements about all people with mental illness.
And, obviously, we all responded to this particular post specifically ABOUT abuse. So among ALL the people who usually respond to this blog, we are an even smaller subset who has particular, personal concerns about abusive behavior and someone we know with bipolar disorder. It’s another reason NOT to allow your entire viewpoint be distorted by these individual stories.
If there are 50 stories of violence and abuse right here, that doesn’t prove anything about people with bipolar disorder AS A WHOLE GROUP being violent or abusive.
I know for a fact that what Acg said is accurate. AS A WHOLE GROUP, people with mental illness are 1) LESS likely to be violent, and 2) MORE LIKELY to be crime victims than those who do not have mental illness.
And while I do not have a study to quote on the matter of, in general, whether ALL people with bipolar disorder are abusive, or if there are violent tendencies in them just waiting to be set off by symptoms….
I CAN say that for myself, now 20 years diagnosed, have never abused anyone, physically or verbally. I have also had more contact than most people probably have with other people who have bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses.
Since I can’t give you an official statistic on something so hard to measure, I can ask you to take my word – it’s not a common symptom I personally have seen. And although I have had many symptoms of bipolar and other behaviors that I was prone to —
An episode of any kind, manic or depressive, just did not flip a switch and turn me into someone who wanted to be violent or emotionally abusive.
So here’s what I think is important. Of COURSE, some people do abuse others when they are in an episode. OF COURSE, many people have this kind of horror story to tell. And OF COURSE, you come here. For support, and help dealing with it effectively.
But to say ANYONE here is lying about people with bipolar disorder being abusive, or not…it doesn’t make sense.
I think everyone is right.
True, statistically people with mental illness are less likely to be violent, more likely to be victims of crime.
True, as individuals and families people here are dealing with abuse, and in those many cases right here, the people who are abusive also have bipolar disorder.
But the fact that in these individual situations it is true that people with bipolar are abusive, does NOT undo the FACT that the abusive situations we see here are NOT typical of ALL people with bipolar disorder.
I think, as someone who HAS bipolar disorder, that we should stop saying “they” or “bipolars” when describing a behavior (like abusiveness) and misleadingly attributing it to every one of us.
Best to all,
J
My husband has bipolar. He is often very verbally abusive, thrown things down in front of me etc, although has not hit me. We moved closer to family again- me thinking I will get more support, to help me to continue to support him. Instead his sister has stated that our “lack of relationship skills” is the cause of the problems in our relationship.
Why do his family not see all that he has done to me?
I am now worried about the safety of our little one. He has been manic/borderline manic for the past few months now, since his meds were changed. Is refusing to take the new meds dr gave him. Outsiders don’t seem to realise the extent of the problem??
At one point in my lifeI was with someone who suddenly one day became very abusive with me. We dated for 8 years. He would go back and forth between his native country and the USA. One day without warning he began to drink and do drugs and he hit me to the point that my face was numbed for two days. The police happened to be on the premises, they were friends at a party that my sister and I were giving, so I did not actually call them. Would I have called them if I realized at the time that he was bipolar, I don’t know. As I learn about bipolar disorder for other reasons at this time in my life, I realize he was bipolar but he never told me. Today I feel that through David teachings I am learning a great deal. Now I have never been abused my my boyfriend, and I do not believe he has it in him to abuse me at least not physically. Can his words be harsh ,at times yes they can but almost immediately following he says he is sorry and thus far it has not repeated itself. Should you call the cops or leave the person when they are physically abusive? I believe they the police should be called, but I don’t know if you should leave them.
Another great book – “Beautiful Boy”
It is about addictions but actually it reads as if it is also about the bipolar family – codependents.
And it mentions triggers – triggers for family members of past trauma and how we deal with those triggers and heal as a family. Triggers as in the phone ringing and never knowing if there is going to be a screamnig beast at the other end, someone proclaiming they will kill themselves if you don’t get them money or do what they want, or someone threatening violence. These are our own triggers to what we have gone through – the phone ringing, banging on the door, full moons, certain dates. Holidays. For families we live a hell that not many other people understand. We know firsthand that there are certain cyclical times the abuse gets worse due to the CYCLICAL nature of bipolar and also refusing to take the appropriate medication. What this book is about is codependency and how we do not have to put up with intolerable behavior, regardless of the diagnosis!
My sister struggles with bipolar disorder and seems to be getting progressively worse. She lies and is abusive to all family members. My heart aches for her, but it truly breaks for her 5 year old daughter! This little girl has lived with emotional abuse her whole life!! Yet my sister is smart enough to talk her way out of any attempt to help her. Whenever the authorities get involved she pretends to be sane and to be a loving mother.
What can we as a family do to protect this sweet innocent little girl from her mother? Her father is not in the picture, he was a ‘one night stand’. Do you have any ideas about how to help my sister or her daughter? Where can I find info about laws that are designed to protect children from abusive parents?
Oh, where to begin. i have dated a bipolar man almost 2 years. Until recently, we were living together in my home, due to him being evicted for non pmt of rent. No surprise, he wasnt good with his money. However, i have been his cheerleader, his supporter, and his best friend through so many episodes. From the tiny flicks of anger,and irritated attitude, to the evil monster frothing at the mouth. During these episodes, i am expected to just ride the wave and see it through to the end. When hopefully my loving partner returns and life goes on.As a healthcare worker, i am familiar with the “why’s” and “how’s” of this disease. I understand that it manifests or affects people differently also. However, as a human being with emotions and pride, how can i possibly continue to take the screaming tongue lashes from the evil monster? When are we supporters allowed to react as a human being and retaliate? or show our hurt due to the episodes? When is it okay to resent the monster, and protect yourself from the daily abuse by walking away? I dont have these answers. I wish i did. Am i abnormal or weak because i feel like this? Am i mean and hateful?
Absolutely not! I have walked side by side with this man for 2 years. In and out of Dr.’s offices, councelors, and pharmacy’s. I have maintained schedule and routine. I have been attentive and learned from many blow ups what his triggers are. I have accepted his apologies, and went on.
I have recently discovered that during all of this time, i was building up resentment in my heart. It snuck up on me last week, and when he attacked me while driving in my vehicle with his sinister, and provoking words, I EXPLODED!
He moved out that night,and has been gone for a week now. I still love him deeply, and knowing he has limited options for places to go, feel guilty. He has burnt his bridges with all of his family members, and only 1 friend remains close to him. I am at a loss.
Do i let him go? Do i let him back in? Does it ever change? (more questions i cannot answer) After 2 years, i am emotionally exhausted, and want to be free of the torturous episodes. At the same time, i feel even though i gave it my best shot, that i am abandoning him. Heart strings pulling, and my mind whirring…..
Please respond kindly.
I don’t understand why you think only PHYSICAL abuse is intolerable. When you have a loved one dealing with this, you realize its the words that kill. Not the fists. I find the distinction offensive and frankly a bit sexist.
Here is my experience to the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage. I really love Louis so much that i can not even do without. I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce… I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me because i loved him with all my heart and didn’t want to lose him but everything just didn’t work out… He moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded, cried and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful man who eventually helped me out with spell… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly because I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used herbs… Within two days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should spread my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need’s it… NOTE THAT he will ask you to pay a small token amount of money to get the materials to work for you. You can email DR SANJAY via (sanjaylandofsolution606@gmail . com) Don’t give up just yet, the different between “Ordinary” & “Extra-Ordinary” is the “Extra” so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it’s truly worth it.