Hi,
How are you?
You know what’s strange. It’s rained like every single day for weeks. It happens every afternoon.
While it was raining I was thinking of something….
I know how hard it is to be a supporter to a loved one with bipolar disorder, because I am one, and because I attend so many support groups, and because I talk to and hear from so many
other supporters too.
But I also know that we make mistakes, because nobody is perfect.
Like Tonya points out, who posted on my blog.
Here’s what she wrote:
“After 5 years of being a Bipolar
Supporter, I have found the
hardest thing is to differentiate
between care giver and supporter
vs. mothering and nurse maid.
Reminding someone who is
bipolar of the things they need
to do each day makes me a nag,
but not reminding them causes
repercussions that affect all our
lives. Where is the line and how
do you keep it?”
————————————————
One of the biggest mistakes a supporter of a loved one with bipolar disorder can make is to go from supporter to enabler.
I talk about this in my courses/systems
below:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
It’s just like Tonya was asking, “Where do you draw the line?”
She’s talking about the line between caregiver and supporter vs. mothering and nursemaid.
You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve been asked this very same question.
So if you’ve been wondering it yourself, be assured that you are not alone.
Many supporters struggle with the same problem.
So now that you know what the line is, how do you keep from getting there?
Well, let’s look at Tonya’s situation.
Here’s the first clue:
She says that this has been going on for FIVE years!
She should have done something about this long before now.
You’ve heard me talk before about accepting unacceptable behavior.
That if you do this, your loved one has no reason to stop the behavior, and will keep on doing it.
That’s when you have to become a mother and nursemaid.
I mean, why should they expect any different?
If you keep doing things for them that they can do for themselves, that’s called being an enabler.
But if they get used to you doing that, then they won’t do things for themselves.
They’ll just let you keep doing these things.
Then, before you know it, you’re being like Tonya says in her post:
“Reminding them of things they need to do each day…” and feeling like you’re a nag.
After 5 years, especially, your loved one should be doing many things for themselves.
They shouldn’t need you to be nagging them at all.
So where is the line and how do you keep it?
As a supporter, you need to be the one to draw the line.
You need to tell your loved one what is acceptable behavior and what is unacceptable behavior.
You need to tell them when they are being lazy, what things they need to be doing for themselves, what you will do for them and what you won’t, etc.
Tonya also asked, once you find the line, how do you keep it?
Simple.
You set boundaries (limits), and then you stick to them. Kind of like an “If you…then I…” sort
of thing.
Do you feel like Tonya?
Do you feel more like a mother and nursemaid?
Or do you feel more like a caregiver and supporter?
If you feel more like a caregiver and supporter, what would you say to Tonya to help her out?
Post responses below
I am having trouble with my boyfriend. He seems to be ODD to any type of boundary setting at all. This all sounds exactly like the type of information I’ve been trying to put into place. Does someone not on medication normally respond like that (ODD) or do you think it could be something else going on?
yes, i do experience the same thing as Tonya. I am a supporter of a husband and a son with bi-polar. My son is doing pretty well with knowing what he needs to do. My husband is the opposite. In addition to being bi-polar he is also diabetic and has severe sleep apnea. i need to care for him all the time. he is no help around the house,he needs to be reminded to take his medication and monitor his sugar levels. Before i would go to work hei would need to have meals prepared for him or he wouldn’t eat the whole time i was gone. i have tried everything short of making him move out to get him toi start taking care of himself but he just doesn’t do it. i feel he needs me so i won’t make him leave, but i just don’t know how to deal with it. i feel like i am a single parent with 3 kids instead od 2 kids and a husband.
Just over a year ago my BP wife ran off with a man she met while in the hospital. When he abused her after several weeks she wanted to come home and I rescued her. Then she wanted to continue the sexual affair with him. I relented, knowing it wouldn’t last long and it didn’t. I thought that would be the end of it all. It wasn’t. Now she has met yet another man who is married (and a psychiatrist to boot, no not hers) and wants to be with me while seeing him also. FINALLY I have set the boundary. She can’t have her cake and eat it too and must make make a choice. If this means the end of a thirty plus year marriage then so be it. I can not continue to enable her to live a lifestyle that destroys our marriage and causes me the pain and hurt that interferes with how I relate to her.
I HAVE A 24 YEAR OLD SON WITH BIPOLAR 1 DISORDER. YOU HAVE TO SET LIMITS.I CAME TO THIS CONCLUSION BECAUSE MY LIFE WAS REVOLVING AROUND HIM. MY MARRIAGE WAS SUFFERING AND MY OTHER RELATIONSHIPS AS WELL. ALL MY CONVERSATIONS SEEM TO BE ABOUT HIM. NOTHING I DID WAS EVER ENOUGH. HE WOULD CALL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND WAKE ME UP EVEN THOUGH HE KNEW I HAD TO GET UP FOR WORK.IN ONE MONTH HE RAN OUT OF GAS SIX TIMES. HE HAD SOUL CUSTODY OF HIS TWO CHILDREN WHICH HE LOST. HE LOST HIS APPARTMENT AND MOST OF HIS FRIENDS. NEEDLESS TO SAY HE STOPPED TAKING HIS MEDICINE AND THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR SIX MONTHS. HE HAS NOT BEEN ABLE TO KEEP A JOB OR EVEN A DOCTORS APPOINTMENT. I HAVE TO TAKE HIM TO ALL HIS APPOINTMENTS. HIS CAR IS NOT RUNNING, HE ASKED ME TO FIX IT SO I SAID ONLY IF YOU START TAKING YOUR MEDS AGAIN AND KEEP YOUR THEARPIST AND DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS. HE HAS BEEN FOR ABOUT MONTH NOW.
This was a very useful email. My son was diagnosed with BP ay age 8 and is now 23 so we have had a lot of trouble with limit setting. It has always been hard to know what was appropriate to demand of him and what he just couldn’t handle. He is still not stabilized on meds so this struggle continues.
Dear David,
I go trough the same thing as Sonia does. I also feel like a nurse and a maid and I always have to remind my husband about certain things. I also tell him about the acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and when I do that he makes me feel like I’m nagging. I do that for almost 9 years now, since we met. He often gets irritated when I remind him about shaving and looking tidy and decent, about eating the right food and having exercise at least once or twice a week. I try to draw a line and put standards, but then he starts to worry about them and keeps thinking about it.
Another problem that I also have when doing this is that his family always takes his side. They find that if he wants to eat junkfood,let him eat his junkfood or if he doesn’t want to shave, leave him alone. I try to get the best out of him, but the mother and aunt are always coming in between. I don’t get no support from them. My husband even has fear for his own mother and that’s not a good sign.
I can only pray and try to do what I can that is best for him. I have to stay positive and hope that one day his family can support him in a good way.
No, if a person seriously wants to get better, and educates themselves on what they need to do (through Psych.Doc’s advice, prescriptions, etc.)…then they should NOT need to be constantly nagged. That is placing a totally unfair burden on the supporter.
To me, the word “caregiver” is more suitable for someone who is incapable of doing things for themselves. Most bipolar individuals ARE capable of lots of things, especially if they are not “babied”. As bad as it sounds, I think they have to be allowed to make a few bad choices and screw-ups on their own, in order to get their lives under control. I have been both a supporter and am a sufferer of b/p disorder,so I have seen both sides of the coin.
I think the hard part about drawing a line and sticking to it is that often you ARE the mother and you have lived through some pretty difficult situations and you do not want to digress back to pre-diagnosis or unstable days. My bipolar son moved 9 hours away to attend school and live with his dad a year ago. His father does not really believe that my son is bipolar but makes sure he takes his meds “just in case”. His dad gave him a job and “raised the bar” whereas I was unable to do that on my own. This has been a good thing. If there is a situation where you are living with a stable bipolar person and they can move out and live on their own I would encourage that. The physical distance helped.
I am a mom and a supporter. My BP is a teen. But.. just because she is a teen and a VERY volatile BP, doesn’t excuse her from resposibility. She has set things to take care of. Her meds. If she doesn’t take them, and has a rage, she goes to the emergency room. The next step after that is residential treatment. So she takes her meds. If she’s very tired I’ll remind her but mostly she is in charge.
She knows that dating,(she is only 15) promiscuity, alcohol and drug use are not allowed in my home. Choosing to do those things is not about being BP, it is about being grounded. (might not work with a spouse)
Some days she needs a written list to get normal things done. I write the list. dress, shower, eat, teeth etc.. But I don’t nag. If those things aren’t done, when I decide to do something fun. She’s not ready to go out so she stays home.
Mostly i think you have to let your BP be responsible for themselves. They should get up, take meds, eat, dress, go to work, school, whatever, without hand-holding. If not, they get sympathy for the consequences, i.e. bad grades, job loss, poor health, etc.. but you can’t just fix it for them. Sometimes they have to fail in order to grow the next time.
Annette
The whole concept of having a supporter/caretaker went completely by me.
I have bipolar disorder, but I left home at the age of 18, as many young peoople do, and sought my own treatment.
It was all my responsibility then, and it remains the same now–many, many years later.
Honestly, in many ways I am very grateful that things went as they did.
One way to avoid being dependent on a supporter is to be your own supporter.
That’s the only way I know to do it, and I wouldn’t trade my independence for anything.
***Let me add, please, since I do not want to seem like I’m generalizing, that I know every single person who has bipolar disorder is different, every supporter is different, every family is different – I did it this way because this was one of the choices I had.
I have been through a lot with this condition, too, but in my situation, the illness and how it was treated remained between me and my doctors, therapists, etc.
hat if you don’t have a supporter none at all? Sure I have family but they don’t/won’t speak to me and I did NOTHING! I’ve spoken to many people and they can’t figure out why they are being the way they are. Control I think. Haven’t spoken to them since they “dumped” me Christmas Eve. I am not a pycho, I own my own business and have co workers who think I’m good, generous etc…
What am I supposed to do?
This is killing our Mom but they blame me for that!
My Tdoc called on sister “evil”. Should I keep on trying or just say to heck with them all?
I am so disgusted that I don’t know where to begin. I am the mother of a grown BP son and he makes me crazy. I can’t have a life, without being imposed upon and I feel so hard about it because I love him so much, and he knows it, but he seems to need so much attention, even negative attention. He is so lonely it breaks my heart. He struggles to live on the slim ssi check he gets, but, I feel he should be grateful. I always help him out, but, I swear, I am flat out rude sometimes to try to get through to him. I believe he quit taking his meds and there are so many side effects that he hates, and now he is pissed off much of the time. I have been going thru hell for years off and on, more on than off and feel the whole family doesn’t want to mput up with him, so all he really has is me and Lord forgive me but I am sick of being the one. I have so much to say and I am so tired from dealing with the horrible attitude and outlook that I feel I am rambling and at a loss for words. I am exhausted and don’t want to be an enabler and don’t know how to motivate him to try to do something with his life. If I try to just let him handle his problems, he will just show up on my doorstep (walking miles to get here sometimes). everything I suggest to him turns into a full blown screaming match and I am just not heard, to the point that I feel I am the wrong person to be handling this, but, there is no one else. I can’t stand it anymore. I have even told him if he doesn’t want to take meds or do something about his problem to stay away from me, but, he calls 20 times a day or just comes over. I am about two years behind in my bookwork of my businesses due to this crap (excuse my language, but, I am really making a very very long outrageous story short. I have been dealing with this for years and now I feel it is affecting my health. I wish you could read my thoughts because I can’t type enough to tell you what has been going on. I know family is supposed to take care of family, but, how do you stop when you love someone so much and feel their pain?
Most people with bipolar have a higher than normal IQ. If the caregivers are having to do so much so much of the time then something isn’t right somewhere. Do they have doctors who have prescribed the correct medication and are the medications being taken correctly? Or are these people in constant episodes? Normal is an episode also. Hopefully it is more present than all the others. I cannot understand someone needing so much help constantly. I have been diagnosed with bipolar for 23 years. Maybe I am of a fortunate few who hasn’t had to have their hand held and constantly treated like an invalid. I just find it so hard to believe that someone who has the right doctor, has the proper medication and takes it correctly could need such constant care on a daily or frequent basis. But from reading the other post that does seem to be the case. Something is wrong somewhere.
I agree with Annette – I was an enable with my 32 yr old son – it took a very good friend of mine to point that out – I had a talk with my son and told him I am stepping back and let him take care of things – he sometimes has to remind me that I am telling him what to do – but if it is something that I need to suggest I will explain things again and them I will step back – what a great lesson today – thanks David – it is up to the BP person to take care of himself or herself – for us moms will not be around forever.
I have been friends with a man who has BP for 7 months now. He was in manic phase when I met him, but I didn’t know,thought maybe he was ADD. He captured my heart immediately, there was something about him. My family and friends were horrified, he could look so rough. I think I was enabling him right from the start. Calls from the hospital, calls at work, jeaulous questions, always helping him or I didn’t care. He ended up in jail for 2 months, but I didn’t abandon him. Very intense letters back and forth, visits to the jail. That was very frightening. Finally they let him out on parole and we are together every day and so happy to be together. He is taking his meds, but I think they gave him something to keep him happy while in jail that he doesn’t get now. Suddenly he is backing off, sleeping all the time, trying to get back to work. I ask him what is going on, he says he needs a break. Now we are only coffee friends. Anytime I suggest anything other than coffee or a drive to the beach, he freezes. He says he wants to be with me, but it is mostly talking, working and sleeping. He lives in his parents basement suite and has minimal contact with them. I am his only friend, even his siblings won’t have contact with him. I know that he is self medicating, and cut his dose in half a month ago, because he felt in such a fog. How do I get him to his Dr. without being a nag? Doesn’t he deserve (and me) more of a life than this? How do you encourage someone to live again? That you can have a life and enjoy yourself and not think you are manic?
Glenda–My heart goes out and I feel for you. I have two bi-polar children (one not officially diagnosed, but I know the symptoms now.) My daughter was diagnosed eight months ago. She had a about three good months, and it has been not good ever since. She does take her meds. This has helped with the rapid cycling and the suicide planning. However, she can’t seem to get to the point of not sleeping most of the day. She keeps her appointments, and has had three different doctors. She is now in two different therapy classes a week. Still, there are few functioning days, and these aren’t great. My son is on something to help control his anger and depression, but even still, he can’t stay consistent in his behavior. Neither of them can keep a job, and they are killing me financially as well as emocionally. My son has a heart of gold whenever he is in a good mode, but whenever he goes through his other personality, he acts as if he hates me, stealing from me, cursing me, yet not letting go of me. I also have my daughter’s three children, and have had for ten years. I’ve searched hard to find something that will work, but I wonder if for some BP people, if it never gets right. This is truly a scary thought. I guess I don’t understand, Once you’ve drawn the lines, how do you keep them from being erased?
What a good topic! I am right there, trying to decide when I have crossed the line from being a help/supporter to being a codependent enabler. I’ve been dating a guy for about 20 mos. now. When we first met, he was not on BP meds, and was self medicating with opiates. Since we’ve been together he has taken my suggestions and has gone to the doctor. He’s now on anti-depressant, a mood-stablizer,and a sleep aid. He’s more stable than he was at first – but still has breakthrough episodes. He’s in one now. The part that kills me the most is his inability to talk to me about what is up. He just gets verbally mean and retreats to his house and hides out for days at a time. No explanation, no apology, no clue as to what set him off.
Then when he feels better he shows up on my door looking like a whipped dog. He just tells me I have no idea what it’s like to be him. He wants me to forgive and forget. while I understand that he is ill, it’s still tough to deal with the roller coaster ride. I find myself lately wondering if it is worth the battle to tough it out for the ‘good’ parts of the relationship. I just don’t know. I am comforted by Dave’s e-mails, but then I also wonder if I’m strong enough to hang in there for the stable period to begin to happen.
I’m interested in what people say about people with bipolar disorder when they have opted to begin and sustain relationships despite the apparent burden.
If you elect to be in a relationship with someone, ANYONE, but you find that relationship burdensome or damaging, you can leave.
There is no exception for people with bipolar disorder. If you are unhappy, you can leave.
If you want to, instead, you can use your partner’s illness as an excuse to stay. Maybe you’ve decided on your own that the person is too ill to be without you. And if you don’t help him, you decide that there isn’t anyone else who can.
Or, you’ve decided your partner needs your pity. And it’s possible that you feel good about yourself when you volunteer to take care of that person. It’s a powerful role to take responsibility for someone who’s needy.
And, if you choose to stay, you can invest all of your energy in someone else. Then you don’t have time to think about your own troubles.
When someone with bipolar disorder uses the illness as an excuse for behavior you don’t like, it’s frustrating, isn’t it? Lots of folks complain about that, and I totally understand why.
But there’s a double standard. Partners don’t hesitate to blame bipolar disorder for their refusal to leave a bad relationship.
He/she had bipolar disorder before he met you. Your partner is not a child, and you are not a legal guardian. You can GO.
If you choose stay and tolerate things that make you unhappy, that is a choice you cannot pin on your partner.
I wish this website and all the information that can now be obtained on bipolar existed 36 years ago when I met my husband. The struggle would have still been there but just maybe with proper guidance and education we would not be in the position we are in today. Being a new bride I just wanted to please and do everything I was told a “good wife” should do. Little did I realize I was only enabling a person who had bipolar disorder. I should have realized something was wrong when that candle just missed my head and landed through the wall. Even though he was institutionalized and medicated he did not believe he was bipolar just had an anxiety disorder. He basically self medicates with a doctor (who is now retired) with meds that he needs to keep his high. I just wish I was strong enough to get him to stick to the proper meds but he just insisted I was the “problem” that he needed them in the first place. I have 2 beautiful children (one I suspect has BPD) but I really put them through more than I would like to admit to. Now he wants a divorce in one of his episodes but is really playing it out with lawyers and all. I am tired at this point and his anger and meanness is more than I can tolerate or bear at this age. I wish I had not be so afraid of myself and my consequences and had just been strong enough to help him.
I am so glad I came across this blog/comments. My husband was diagnosed with bipolar/manic after he was retired from 23 years in the Navy. His alcoholism escalated after he retired and within 5 years of retirement he almost died from drinking. He went to 2 rehabs and then did 30 days in a psychiatric hospital where he met his Dr. and was diagnosed all within a year. My husband’s Dr. told me he had a mild case of bipolar, I would hate to be around someone with a severe case. This illness is a nightmare for everyone. It took his Dr. 2 + years to stablize him, the Dr. felt that if he had no changes in his life (no moving, no job changes, no deaths etc) that he might not have to stay on the meds. However if an episode did happen to start him back on his meds. Well, we have done just that, he has a routine and he pretty much sticks to that and it seems to be working. The Dr told me there was no reason he couldn’t work, so he picked up a job that he likes full time. Sometimes he will complain about it but it passes. I do see trouble with eating at set times and hygiene. To overcome that, I go ahead and cook something and eventually he will eat it. As far as hygiene, when he starts getting slack I go shopping and take him with me to purchase clothing, cologne, hygiene supplies, pair of shoes, whatever I can think of, and it puts him in the mood to groom himself when he picks up a little something for himself. I do agree that I have to stop myself from going into enabling mode. He is quite capable of doing most everything, it is just easier if someone else does it. It has been 5 years since he was first diagnosed. I have found that projects keep his mind busy, otherwise he verbally repeats things like his brain is stuck. I now confront him on behavior that he needs to stop. I used to let it slide and that didn’t accomplish anything. I get a better response from him if I ignore him rather than having a shouting match, he doesn’t like to be ignored or alone. I have also noticed that whatever I say his first response is defiance, however if I let it go for awhile he will eventually agree with whatever I suggested. This is a terrible illness. I find that praying for him daily helps me and him.