Hi,
How’s it going today? I wanted to write a quick
email before I take off to head to the gym. Someone
wrote me the other day how I deal with the stress
of bipolar disorder. I emailed back and asked
what part of bipolar disorder were they referring
to. The person wrote back dealing with the yelling,
screaming, mood swings and insanity.
I was thinking that there is an important simple
strategy that took me many months to learn on
how to deal with the stress from bipolar disorder.
I call it disengagement.
When I first started supporting my mom, I would
get into with her. I was always arguing with
her. Always hearing total nonsense she was
saying in her episode and trying to say
this and that isn’t true mom. I would
then try to explain things to her. I would
try to argue back that I wasn’t a bad son.
I did this for many months. MANY. I would
spend hours and hours and hours either
on the phone or in person.
It was so draining that I thought I was
going to die of exhaustion or a stroke. I was
so tired all the time. I have no idea how
I was able to do it day after day month
after month. It was far more tiring that
any training with any sport that I have
ever done and I played football, baseball,
wrestled, power lifting and body building
non competitively. The most difficult sports
training was EASIER than dealing with my
mom.
Then one day it hit me. Nobody told me. I
was just thinking one day, “Dave why
do you argue, why take things personally?
What get into it, why not disengage anytime
there is an argument.”
So one day my mom started yelling at me
when I was trying to help out around my mom
and dad’s house. My mom started screaming saying
I was trying to take over the house (in my
head I laughed because I was thinking, “yea
right I want to take over a nightmare house
like this…like taking over a city rife with
crime and chaos :)”.
Anyway instead of explaining now I am not
trying to take over the house, I am helping
because of blah, blah, blah, I just walked
away from my mom and got in my car and left.
Then the next time she called and started yelling
I said, “I have to go and hung up.” I sure started
feeling better and my stress would go lower. The
less I engaged in arguments, listening to personal
attacks, the more time I had to help her and make
a system so she could take care of herself.
Oh side note, I want my mom to take care of herself
NOT and I repeat NOT me. I don’t want my mom dependent
on me. If you are helping your loved one with bipolar
disorder, you want to help them before Independent NOT
dependent on you. If you have bipolar disorder, you should
want to become Independent NOT dependent too.
Okay, so back to what I was saying, so I disengaged from
arguing with my mom, defending myself, etc. and I started
to feel great. Then another thing happen. My mom started
to get the connection in her head. When she would attack
me, I would leave. She didn’t like when I left or hung
up on the phone so she SLOWLY stopped doing these type
of things. I noticed she would catch herself because she
knew that I would disengage to reduce the stress.
In my courses/systems, I teach this strategy and I was
surprised that many of the people interviewed in my
material do the same thing.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
The bottom line is, you can’t argue with someone
in a bipolar disorder episode and win. He/she
will just say something else OR the person will
not be rational and if you keep engaging with
the person, you will wind up almost going insane
yourself.
Well I have to run. Have a great day.
Your Friend,
Dave
P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com
How do u deal with a bipolar child who acts like this?
Hi Jacque,
I found you have to be stricter with children, which mean a constant routine to reduce the number of episodes it works the more your nicey nicey the worst their behaviour gets. Don’t argue with them you are an adult. I found when mine gets like that is to ask them are you argueing with me and it helps. However he is only 7 and every one is different and of course their age really depends on it too. Is your child young or in teens?
Walk away from irrational tirads; this is the only way to rid one of some stress.
You’ve been right on the money with your emails,Dave.
Don’t let the naysayers get under your skin; you have confirmed my suspicions time and time again.
Keep up the good work.
Interesting comments. I am new to your posts. I have a long history of bipolar genetics. I like especially that you state that bipolars are responsible not irresponsible for their actions.
It is not a curable but treatable illness.
In these cases you have to reach a middle ground w each other, My mother and i fought we are bipolar, She got a rampage and called be everything. I was upset I sat her down hrs later and said look, When you talk to me to try to argue I will not respond, I demand you be nice and simply if this wont work for dont ever talkt to me AGAIN. To this day we treat each other with kindness and resect, Thank you ,please ect. you see forever she looked at me w hate so when she had her moments she would always remember what i would say to her. the past is gone get over it and start from today on and we are much better now. Laura
Dear Dave,
I think ths is one of the best comments, suggestions, explanations and help you have ever done in your site, at least for me! I will read it at least once a week!
sigrid
Hi Dave,
It’s easier to leave when you don’t live in the same house. How does your dad deal with the stress? My bipolar husband would follow me around the house screaming and yelling in my face. I tried to ignore him and leave the room but he got worse like he wanted me to argue with him. The only solution for me was to get a separation. I tried to get the doctors to keep him in the hospital but they released him twice since they said he wasn’t a threat to himself or anyone else. But in the meantime he tormented every family member he could.
I have been married for 23 years now. When I met my husband we were 18 years old. We are now 42. When we met He told me that his Mom was having him see a psychiatrist and that he was taking Litium. He then asked me if I thought he was crazy. I didn’t stop to ask why. Well being a young kid I didn’t think much about it. Now 23 years later I think there was something wrong then and there is something wrong now. During the course of our marriage he has screamed, yelled, thrown things, broke things, Told me he wants a divorce many many times and the list goes on. This happens every 4-5 years. And it is going on now. This time it has lasted for 3 months. He don’t think there is anything wrong but there is. It has gotten to the point I don’t feel that I can deal with this anymore. He has made me feel that there is something wrong with me. He lies, makes things up. Makes scenes in public. He spends money and has gotten us in debt and then tells eveyone that I am the one spending the money. I don’t know what to do. This has affected me with my health and my feelings of self worth. He hasn’t taken medication or seen a dr. about this problem for 23 years now. What should I do? He won’t get help.
LOVE THIS STUFF, KEEP IT COM’IN!!:)
Having this disorder I have found it quite shameful to literally be reduced to a biligerent child. Being aware of what is happening while it is happening yet totally unable to do anything about it right then and there. After it is all over, the less I have to look back on in shame and embarrassment the better. My mother, my sister, my 18 yr old daughter, and my sig. other all are learning to politely turn away. As the one “fitting out” as my good friend calls it, I appreciate the Tough Love, although not at the time, because it keeps the mess I have to apologize for later to a minimum.
Note: I said my family POLITELY turns away. There is nothing worse to me anyway, than to be turned away from rudely or hurtfully when I am already feeling so yucky and foolish.
Dear David,
You are so smart! I tried “disengaging” with my daughter (who may be merely ornery and not bi-polar) and it worked with her, too. You are the Dr. Phil for bi-polar families — a guy providing common sense solutions. Although I say “commomn sense,” most of us are too stressed-out to consistently think clearly and sensibly when dealing with our bi-polar fmaily member, so your reminders and tips are invaluable. Love you, C.
Knowing how to disengage was one of the most useful strategies for dealing with my fiance’s most recent episode. I felt so much better when I disengaged AND I felt like I had some control over the episode and not like I was lost in all the other stuff that comes with it. My fiance didn’t like it when I walked away (he needed a LOT of attention) so he would find other ways to re-engage with me.
I feel for those of you whose loved ones are hard to manange. My fiance is easy compared with a lot of people I read about.
Keep up the good work!
I appreciate all the advice and help. It does take time to assimilate, but that is certainly worth doing!
Just in time !!! thanks Dave 🙂
I agree, you have to walk away or disengage – but it does get tough sometimes and I lose my rag occasionally. And guess what, that’s when he tells me that I have bipolar and depression – I would never have realised what he has if he hadn’t said that, which made me research. Yes, I am on anti-depressants. I am the only supporter, my children, his stepchildren, have walked away, I am not allowed to contact his very elderly parents, even though he sees them 3 times a week and I dare not invite some of the few friends I have left – it’s just not worth the stress before and the nasty comments after. I’ve mentioned my suspicions to the doctor but as you all know, they can put on a very convincing act and it’s only in the privacy of the home that the true person emerges. I’ve had a super teaching job for 20 years but due to financial problems 1/3 of the workforce was made redundant. Let hope I find something worthwhile again, just to keep my sanity. Did I say, he’s got other disabilities and has not worked since we married 14 years ago. I don’t know why I’m rattling on – but I do look forward to your e-mails, Dave – without them I would sometimes despair. Heartfelt thanks.
It is very hard to walk away when you live with the person. I know what “loretta” is saying. I’ve been married for 22 years to a man that has never been diagnosed as bipolar but he definitely is. He even admits it. Just last night he said he has been manic for the last few weeks. And let me tell you I can certainly attest to that! I asked him if he was ever going to go to a Dr. and get medication. He lifted his alcohol glass and said this is my medication. I definitely didn’t discuss that subject any further. If I try to leave the room when he is yelling at me he chases me around the house also not letting me leave if he wants to argue. I’m disabled so it isn’t easy to get away from him either. He won’t let me leave the house. He’ll park his truck behind my car and I’ll know to definitely lay low on those evenings!!!
That’s a SUPER remedy, Dave, but how do you deal with the GUILT??!! My beloved Mother would argue with me over the phone – and abruptly hang up on me! Yes, she was disengaging, but this “habit” was, to me, childish, and I would ALWAYS call her back, to amiliorate her disgust with me (I am the one with bipolar). The guilt I felt when she would do this, prompted me to call back and “make it all right.” The reason I call it “childish,” is because my Mother was a “spoiled brat,” who believed “My way, or the highway,” and never believed my mental illness.
Well, all, I thought I’d just get this off my chest. Thanks.
Loretta and Christal – how can you live with a man who has demonstrated bipolar tendencies for sooo many years, and NOT get him the help you BOTH need??!! I guarantee that if you get him treatment – meds and therapy – your marriages will improve. Just a theory, but I think you both should look into it.
Loretta, you are not alone. I have been married for 25 years to a man who does the same things and always has, and what has made it worse is that I live in Tunisia, which only gives authority to the father to take the children out of the country… We have 3 … so we were a ‘captive’ audience for many years in his home town where everyone believes him!!! There were so many times I have despaired and vowed to escape once the kids were grown. But now they are and I’m still here, just…. thanks to Dave’s website. Now I feel I’m moving on and have a ‘plan’ and am determined to get my husband the ‘help’ he needs and we deserve… no matter what i will succeed.. I didn’t come this far to give up now.. I suggest you talk to a psychiatrist yourself qs I have recently done and he will advise how to persuade your husband to go and see him. It also made me feel better for having told someone my fears and have them believed. The only other choice is to get out!!!!
I think that my son may have bi-polar also. My husband is bi-polar and i see so many of the same things in my son. They are not related its step dad/stepson. But lately my son has started arguing with me on things that do not make any sense i first thought he was just doing that because its his “attorney” attitude (i really think he should be an attorney because he can turn things around and make you feel like its your fault so fast that you have no idea what hit you and he has always been able to do that) anyhow it used to be maybe one time a year that he would get in his argueing stage and now its more like 1 or 2 times a week 🙁 my heart is just breaking. I tried to talk to him about it last week because i had went through the Family to Family classes through NAMI and they gave me so much information and it was stuff that i understood and i now know why my husband was doing what he was, but my son is concerning me so much more now. He hasn’t gotten the stage of “superman” yet, thankfully (thats the stage for my husband where he has not dangerous cautions in his mind nothing is going to be bad for him to do. he could cut his hand off at that stage and laugh at the blood on the ground, thats the type of things that when someone has bipolar you have got to be careful about..
But when i talked to my son, he said that it was not acceptable for him to have any mental illness. He will not allow himself to have anything wrong with his mental abilities.. And his father and his grandfather both (well it goes on to all of his grandpas sisters and brothers to) have mental illness.
So now how can i help my son, as i was reading your post i started thinking -“is it me that has the tendancy?” I know its not me, but thats how my son can turn things around to make it seem like its the other person and then later on doubt yourself still … its so hard living with all of this.
Thanks for having this site.
God bless you
Paula
Hi Dave, I am trying to help my spouse, who, although not officially diagnosed with Bipolar, has symptoms that tick all the boxes. I have therefore decided to follow your 14 part free mini course, hoping that I could learn how to help my wife, who incidentally now wants a divorce after nine months of turbulent marriage. I was impressed with part 1 of 14 of your mini course and believe that I put it to good use in the discussions with my wife, and waited expectantly for part 2. However on receipt I was somewhat dissapointed as the content merely mention what part 1 contained, how you have spent a great deal of time collecting the information, how it helped you help your mom, why we should purchase the full course and what part 3 will contain, but no real information, did I miss something?
It is true that if you engage with someone when they are in an episode you yourself can become insane as well. I also feel that in some cases more than one illness can be going on. One might be bipolar but also have other mental issues but in either case I believe to disengage is the best policy. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
HI Dave,
I have done this for 2 years now and “J” the bipolar guy throws it in my face about how I’m a coward for not haveing a discussion with him or that I am behaving so abusively towards him and he has gone as far as buying books about how abusive the silent treatment is the most disrespectful, abusive thing to do to a person. Aparently it tells them they are not worth the time or effort for talking it out, and to leave any person who treats you this way. His shrink has aparently told him this as well. I am not doing it to devalue him in any way. I’m doing it because nothing is ever solved by him ranting like that. You know this as well as anyone on this site. So How do I deal with that.
That being the counter attack for his attack and my disengagment?
PLEASE RESPOND cause THIS is the bane of my existance and its so super hard to deal with him saying that I’m so abusive and disrespectful by this action.
Dave, I have a question for you.
How do I disengage from my husband so I can stay sane?
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mel,
The other thing I could suggest is to learn how to interact with someone in a mental health crisis. I had to learn due to my job, so when my fiance became manic, I just knew what to do, moreso than his friends and family and I was able to keep him calm which may have helped keep the drama to a minimum.
Take a course on Crisis/Prevention Intervention. Check with a local hospital/mental health centre/community college to see what is available to help you learn how to communicate with someone who is not appealing to logic. This can help you deal with any difficult person, which is a useful skill to have in life.
🙂
HI Juliet,
Thanks so much for responding to me on this page. “J” and I are split up because of these rants, and as of late in the span of a few hours he can be reasonable, then almost insane in a span of 5 hours about 3-4 times. (phone messages) Thanks for the advice for the corses. I will check those out. My shrink told me 2 years ago to de-escalste him with empathic statements, i.e. “i see where your comming from” blah blah, but how do you do that with the bipolar guy. What a waste of time and money with those sessions. to the tune of $1200.00 i just paied them off a month ago and my last visit was one year ago.
No one will get on board for this team effort stuff. Not his mom, sister, or other friends. Now that he won’t talk to me because i’m “so abusive” is there any thing i can do. Now that the privacy act is in place how do I enforce trips to the Dr. or to the hospital? any suggestions?
Dear Dave,
I am a step mom who has purchased your program. I love it and I think it is the best thing out there. I do have a problem though, you say to disengage yourself from the person who attacks you. How do you do that to a teen who is out of control. This child has attacked me physically left me battered and crazed. And I know that anyone who deals with bipolar no matter if adult or child where I am coming from when I say crazed. Anyway how do I as a parent disengage. How do I make him responsible for his actions. My husband and I are trying to do this but man it is getting real bad. He is having more and more bipolar episodes and it is driving me away. I feel for my husband because this is only getting worse. I did call the police on him in the past 4 weeks, they rushed him to the hospital, which by the time he was seen by a doctor he was already stabilized. I just don’t know what more to do. I am the most hated person these days by him, his sister suffers, my husband and my older children do. But mostly I am concerned for myself, I have a heart problem which the stress I think is going to kill me. Again how do I disengage?
Lynn, I know what you mean. In Texas, until a child is 18, everything they do is the parent’s responsibility. Mental illness is not excuse. Anyhow, I’m dealing with their disbelief in my son’s illness, so that makes it more frustrating.
I know some states allow the child to become independent. My son has promised to try to become independent at 16. I wish him the greatest success. If he does leave, his coming back will definitely include his being on meds.
The hardest thing I ever did was call the cops on my sweet boy, but he has learned that mom won’t always cover up for him. It’s been more painful and tearful than I can start to tell you, but I am seeing a lot of maturity lately. Even though the state isn’t listening to me, he is starting to. Tough love is lot harder on Mom/Dad than on the kid…
Hi Dave,
Need advice on how to disengage when living in the same house and he attacks our daughter if I disengage. She is a teenager and feels she must respond out of respect. I get drawn back in because I need to protect her.