Dear Dave: What this woman is lacking is self esteem. She must learn to rely on her own feelings. What others think is their problem. People who lack understanding and compassion do not make good friends. Independence and self reliant attitudes are the best way of going. Some friends will understand and some will not. That encapsulates every area of life. She must learn to defend her feelings against any adverse reactions. also i suggest she find a new therapist because the one she has is not helping her to reach her goals. I speak as a bi-polar person.
Evelyn Stuart

Wow,
I know how that person felt I am 41 yrs old. I was disgosned with BP when I was 21 .I believe I had it much earlier in life. I look back and see I have had it as a child. The mood swings the ups the downs the just all over the place no one understanding. I think mine might have came from having epolisee as a child I had grand mull. I only had a few like maybe 3 or 4 not alot of seziures but still was on meds for 5 yrs that was said to make a person slower. NICE HUH>>.
My learning process was not what it was like for other childern.I did ok, I did graduate .I am trying to get back into college. I choice who I told to tell about the BP very carefully . I was teased and put down and ,even when I went to the ER and was ill they would ask what meds are you on i would like my BP meds the nurse taking me into the er, was rude “oh you are one of them” I said , what does that mean “You know , just one of them who is just not right” That was wrong . I have had stuff like that happen alot to me. I feel that is rude and they should be fired. I don’t tell too many ppl unless I know you really well and , then I am still afraid too. you see even my best friends tend to like oh you must be having an mood. They call it a mood if I get upset. You see even in my family when I would get upset and mad they would call it an epoisde or a mood. You see they don’t feel I have the right to get mad.Yes , sometimes I went overboard and said things I shouldn’t have . It doesn’t matter meds or no meds didn’t matter to ppl . Oh she is just being crazy now. I wasn’t though. I know my mom has the bp but she won’t do anything about it she drinks trebily and blames it on everyone like my dad and step mom cuz in a nut shell she was her bf and they got together. It is sad, how noone in y family understands and it is everywhere my cuzin has it and just is out of control my , mom, my self my other aunt she is really out of control with drinking to you see the both of us had been sexually molested my her brother and my uncle she just hasn’t let it go.Your program sounds wonderful I just can’t afford it . I live on a very tight budget and I couldn’t do it. sorry ..
God Bless you for getting all of this out there. I wish I was more procative on my treatment too . you see i listened and belived the dr’s now i am not so trusting.

My son will not admit he has bipolar so therefore is making no progress. He will not take medication. He says he just depressed, that’s all. Some Dr’s tell him bipolar and some don’t. If he would admit he has it and then take what is prescribed to him maybe we would get somewhere. But he won’t.

There are certain things I agree with what you said about telling people about having bipolar. I meet someone for the frist time I don’t say anything about it, I never know if I am going to see this person again. But if it is a family memeber or someone who is new coming into my life I choose to tell them to about my bipolar. I feel I have nothing to hide and it is part of who I am. I tell them I have my good and bad days, like everyone else but sometimes mine are harder than most. Some people shy away but most don’t. If they don’t understand sorry. But for the most part people are ok with it. I have learned to be yourself and if people have a problem with you and the disorder they are not worth having in your life. It can get tiredsome if you have to tell people all the time sorry but this is part of me I didnt ask for it. But it does get to some people. The bipolar killed my marriage and my last relationship, but they thought they could handle it but it was during a very bad time with it and it took it toll on both men. But I have to get used to that, they say they understand but they dont.. Just take one day at a time and it will get easier talking about it.

Cat

Hello. The media perpetuates ignorance/misconceptions about what it means to live with mental illness. I’ve always known I was different from other people. It wasn’t much of a problem until I lost control and was diagnosed with bipolar. I shared my diagnosis with a select few people. The reactions I’ve got vary widely. One person is supportive of the fight. Another thinks it’s quackery and a lack of self control/discipline. Another has become more reserved and cautious around me. One of the things bipolar sufferers struggle with is the reactions they get and who they get them from. For example, the person who is most supportive is my best friend and he doesn’t judge me; he supports me. My wife thinks it’s quackery and let’s me dabble with this as I like to be different from everyone around me. One of my colleagues is very cautious of what she says around me. I don’t want to tell my employer for fear of losing my job.

To a degree, some of the reactions don’t line up with the what I thought I would get. I thought my wife would be much more supportive – more like my best friend. That is not the case. Sometimes informing others strains relationships because my friends are not prepared to know what demons I face and it catches them by surprise. As in, “I can’t believe that – you are always the life of the party.” Well, yes that is true when I’m manic. These people don’t see me when I’m on the down swing, when I’m irritable or unleashing anger.

Mainstream mediate perpetuates outdated stereotypes and portrays people with mental illness as the freaks of society. Look at One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, Britney Spears, Crazy People, etc. Since the illness is so misunderstood in our society, I believe people don’t know what to do with the information or how to react.

My 2 cents. – K

I am a mother of a son with bi polar and a husband who possibly has it. I am also a teacher by trade. I feel that if I have to live with and help my family one way I can do it is to educate others and hopefully create less of a stigma. I have some family members who said I shouldn’t be so open and others who have grown to accept it. I still have others who don’t understand and perhaps never will. They even judge me for “giving my son medicine.”

I realize all I can do is hope to educate and help my own family. It’s a daily struggle but I have hope that someday it will feel atleast stable, above all I love them with all my heart so it’s worth it.

David,
When I try to forward your news summary to loved one, your message gets all scrambled and recipinents can not access the news articles. What can I do

Hi Dave,
I wrote to you before, telling you my WHOLE STORY in DESPERATION for an answer back and didn’t receive one. I KNOW you must have millions of email letters come in, so i will keep on waiting.
I read your one about DIVORCE yesterday, because I guess that is where we are headed…after only ONE YEAR OF MARRIAGE. Yes, last week he brought me roses and a wonderful, heartfelt card about how he LOVES ME AND I AM THE BEST THING AND HE COULD NOT BE HAPPY WITHOUT ME.
LAST NIGHT, HOWEVER, we were driving home from a wonderful couple of days at our place on the coast of CA, and all of a sudden he decides that I am just TOO RUDE because I was not keeping up constant conversation to keep him awake while he’s driving the 5hr. drive. He starts CUSSING ME OUT. I asked him not to cuss at me and he comes to a SCREECHING STOP on the shoulder and tells me to GET THE F— OUT! This was THREE HOURS FROM HOME…AT 11:40 PM….in God knows where. I got my dog out of the back seat and he just peels away. I thought surely he would calm down, or realize how unsafe this was for me and come back for me. BUT NO! He continued to drive home and go to bed.!!!! I was sitting at some DIVE 24hr. GAS STATION in the cold night air for SIX HOURS before I could get someone to drive all the way there to pick me up and then back again. He drove away with my purse and my clothes in his truck.
When I called him after about an hour, I told him that he had my purse so I had no money to get a room or anything. He just said, don’t think that I am gonna come all the way back for you. YOU JUMPED OUT OF THE TRUCK! (no, he told me to get the f—OUT)
There are these episodes EVERY MONTH. I have tried to WORK WITH HIM and expect that they are coming, but leaving your wife out like that and not giving a CRAP about what happens to her in some bad area is UNFORGIVEABLE. I don’t think I can handle this with him. We DO LOVE EACH OTHER, but he just SNAPS. He is so MEAN, CRUEL, UNLOVING, ABUSIVE, DESTRUCTIVE and POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS. He has “approached” me in a very threatening way several times. I puffed up and said “WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA HIT ME NOW?”
I am NOT going to stick around to find out.
I did not stay single after my divorce, raise my three kids alone for 18 yrs and then decide that it is my turn to have a life, get married again to have THIS KIND OF TREATMENT.
I have told him that he should be ‘evaluated’ for bipolar. He will not. He does admit that this happens EVERY MONTH or so and that it is him for the most part. I told him that it could be very manageable, but he is not willing to check it out.
Well, I am ‘NOT WILLING” to be his whipping girl when he gets a wild hair up his hairy butt. We are 53 yrs old and I want more, and DESERVE more for my senior years in this world.

I am both a supporter and a person living with Bipolar disorder. We do not say we suffer from it, we say we’re living with it. OUr goal is to be survivors of this illness that claims too many lives.
My son, my best friend and I are all bipolar. We do share our diagnosis with most people. I do so pretty loudly, as I am a senior in a Bachelor’s degree Social Work Program at the local university. I have written several papers about stigma and support.
I feel that I may just be very lucky that I have a good group of people around me. Social Work students are very accepting. My friends from high school are mostly still in my life- in my late thirties. I picked most of my friends because they were “different” too, so most of them accepted openly the diagnosis that my father still refuses to acknowledge.
I hope that each person who reads this sees that there ARE people out there to be our friends- people who can accept and support us. We may have to look for them, and pick them “by hand”. I strongly recommend a class, a support group, a social group based on a hobby- some of our hobbies are very creative, and draw unusual people, and they just might get it! For every open minded person who gets it, there is a chance one less open minded person might open to the idea…
I’m looking forward to graduation- I want to be an advocate for people like me and my son and best friend. If I can do it, hopefully I can encourage and empower other people like us.

Dave,
You are right, it’s a tough one. My husband has Bipolar Disorder. He hasn’t been diagnosed yet because I’m still working to get him to at least see a doctor about it. I have told some of my family members so that they might understand some of his behavior. The reason I know he has this disorder, is because he displays almost all the symptoms and my Son who I adopted from birth also has Bipolar Disorder. I’m pretty certain my husband has accepted the fact that he has Bipolar but is far from ready to take it on.
You are right. You not only have to aknowledge that you have it, but you also have to take it on and fight for your life. The more we stay silent, the more control it has over you. We have to take our control back and silence the disorder. I believe that this is the only way we are going to dispel this crushing stigma. Knowledge is eveything. Thank You for all that you have given me.

Hi Dave . all respects to you and to the effort you made to help suffering poeple not only your beloved person, my openion,in fact ,my experience is that people even so close to me and to my beloved one dont tend much to accept the fact that he has a disorder and that he needs compassionate care and help ,sometimes I stand alone ,poeple think I am strange to accept his mood swings.he knows he has a problem,but he cant help about it .

It has taken four hard years post diagnosis to accept my condition and my relationship with others. Over this period many in the public eye have been open about their condition and this has given me significantly more confidence. Now I almost trumpet my Bi-Polar and in the main I would say it has made no difference and in fact frees up others to be frank about their own issues which are varied and often frequently more debilitating. Fear breeds fear and keeping silent makes your condition seem far worse especially if you are like me wish to disappear when in the depths of despond. However,if when well,we could all treat Bi-Polar as an common ailment ourselves, then others would be more likely to be persuaded to do the same.

Seven years ago; I was a professor’s assistant for a Social Issues course @ the college I graduated from. Essentially, I taught the course material and throughout the semester, graded papers and tests. By the end of the year, the class admired my intelligence, wit, and ability to commuicate difficult and interdisciplinary ideas with creativity and humor. So, at the end of the course, I decided to ‘out’ myself with BD. The professor and everyone in the room reacted with wide open eyes and silence. I felt it was my duty at that moment, because I was in a respected position, and particulary because it was a Social Issues course, to shatter the stigma: even if it was in a classroom for one moment, for thirty people, for ten minutes. It was worth it. I was NOT afraid. I don’t suggest that you do this for just any situation, but I believe that at that time, I was given a gift to enlighten a classroom full of people that someone with MI can be superior in talents than those without, and also, can not be distinguishable from the ‘rest’ of society.

Dave
I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 and post-traumatic disorder about 3 months ago. I’m 43 and I know exactly what the woman in the article was saying. I’ve known for years that there was more than just mood swings going on but I was to busy and didn’t have time to be checked out. Even before the diagnoses, I felt lonely. I was in manic stages a lot and couldn’t sleep. As long as I was in a manic stage, I was the life of the party and everyone loved me. I was a bartender so when I started getting depressed my friends thought all I needed to do is drink to make me feel better. That went on for years and usually worked. It was when I stopped drinking and found out you have bar friends and you have friends that it hit me. That was when I got the inner strength not to care. If my so-called friends didn’t understand my choice not to drink how would they understand that I am bipolar or the post-traumatic disorder for that matter. Many people don’t understand that there can be more than just bipolar going on and it makes the bipolar harder to treat. That might be something you should look into.
As far as telling people about being bipolar, I think you have to choose wisely, whom you tell. I told a few friends and they were supportive. On the other hand, I told some of my family and there reaction was the opposite. One of my cousins told me that she wished that I would just be like I used to. I didn’t need medication all I needed was family to talk to and everything would be fine. She told me that when I was happy everything was good and when I was depressed I just cut myself off from everyone and that was how thing were suppose to be. I have gotten that reaction from a few of my family members. So like I said choose wisely whom you tell. When you are bipolar, the last thing you need to hear is negative comments like that.
It would be nice if everyone had a positive attitude but not everyone does. Some people are like the ostrich that sticks it’s head in the sand. If they don’t see it it’s not happening. There for the stigma will continue until people are educated about it. Lets face it unless you are bipolar or someone you know is bipolar will you really take the time to educate yourself ? I know I wouldn’t have taken the time to.

My husband and I are currently separated. He has bipolar. He has major episodes very sporadic. His mood swings – are generally monthly. Major episodes include physical abuse – attempting to choke me twice within a week, yelling at his mother, and this last one which created our separation was he shook our grandson 5 times while yelling at him. I want my marriage to work and I have subscribed to your newsletter for years – but I’m not sure if I should keep trying. I feel like I lived with a volcano ready to erupt. Any suggestions- as I am open to reuniting. At this point he doesn’t want to – but wavers.
Cecelia

I certainly understand where she is coming from. I was taken out of school by my doctors because when I was first diagnosed everyone knew that I went through an episode and when I returned to school everybody pointed their fingers and whispered ” That’s that crazy girl, she went crazy ” etc… This embarrassed my entire family. So when I got a little better over the years people still come up to me and say they remember when I went crazy and stuff like that.
This kind of reaction is always in the back of my mind and has kept me from interacting and socializing in a lot of activities. It’s like I’ve been branded. And when you tell people about your illness they look and treat you like your a child of a lesser God or your beneath them.
You are automatically treated like an incident waiting to happen.
It’s like a catch 22 kind of a situation, damn if you do and damn if you don’t. So I can relate to where she is coming from. But, what can you do about it?

Jacked Up!

I totally understand why this woman would feel this way, and the implication that SHE needs to do anything about it, as I’ve read in previous posts or eluded to slightly in Dave’s email, i.e., get a new therapist, boost her self-esteem, not be concerned about what others might think (because they’re not real/good friends if they don’t understand) etc. is infuriating to me. She needs to trust herself and do what she believes to be in her OWN best interest!
I have BPII and OCD, diagnosed for more than 15 years, and probably existing long before. For most of those years, I was not only highly functional, but extraordinarily successful, maintaining my stability holistically. No one every knew (and I chose not to tell them) that I dealt with dibilitating bouts of depression on occasion (lasting relatively short periods of time). I have always been richly rewarded for my “Mania”, which for me is hyper-productivity that equalled enormous success (although it was accompanied by anxiety, insomnia and some other “unhealthy” manifestations…but nothing anyone would notice…even ME, it was just “normal” for me).
Four years ago began a series of crises, one after another after another, inlcuding death, disease and disaster in my life and some others very close to me. It was more than a non-disordered person would be able to bear, and it was unrelenting. I’d just deal with one tragedy, and another would strike. The “tools” that had worked to keep me functioning became ineffective, and I spiraled (not snapped) into a very bad state, culminating a suicide attempt and hospitalization. Although my “crisis” did not create problems for others, (no high drama stuff, other than the suicide attempt, in which I simply took an overdose and hoped to go to sleep- permanently), family members and friends could NOT handle it. It was so far removed from the image that they wanted/needed to hold of me as a leader, the “together” one who they went to/leaned on, etc. Many of them just couldn’t deal, even accused me of “faking” or “running away from responsibilites”, including my own family, who totally abandoned me, and with whom, sadly, things have never been the same. Previously, I’d always THOUGHT we were close. Incidentally, following my hospitalization, I have been on a good combo of meds, in weekly therapy and rapidly returning to full-functionality. My sister, who has 3 children that I adore, does not call or return my calls. It’s very, very sad.

Several posters have mentioned the role, the VERY negative role the media plays in perpetuating the stigma. Unfortunately, the media is interested in sensationalism, not the boring stories of all the BP’s who are stable, functional, contributing members of society (albeit struggling with a few more challenges than the average person to remain so). No, that’s just not worthy of the evening news, like a mother who’s drowned her children. So, is it ANY wonder that people are worried that “I” may go “Brittney” on them if I tell them “I’m Bipolar”? What else would they think? Do YOU know the details of any disease unless you have it- or someone you’ve GONE to the Dr. with has it? I don’t, unless I have specific reason to research…I only know what affects ME. It’s human nature, and we’re all too busy to even learn (in detail) about lots of really important things that DO affect our lives, like war, or global warming or what our government is doing while we’re asleep at the wheel, or what’s causing rampant cancer…etc. Afterall, we have bills to pay, kids to feed, lives to live. That’s why we live in a culture of sound-bites.

I have forwarded Dave’s emails and dozens, upon dozens of really good articles and information sources to my family and closest friends. Since they can’t grasp it in 15 seconds, and it’s NOT cancer or any of the “REAL” illnesses other people have mentioned above, and it’s not affecting THEM in that exact moment, it’s “Spam”.

**In closing, despite Dave’s not-so-favorable feelings about “support groups” (and he’s probably right that many of them are pity parties, my summation), I have to give my own testimonial to the powerful support I’ve found in one group in my area called “Magnetic Minds”, which is under the NAMI umbrella. There, I found not only a group of people who REALLY understand what its like to deal with issues, just like this one, but a treasure-trove of FREE resources in my area. Although the group gives anyone (and it’s strictly for people w/ BP diagnosis) the opportunity to speak (and I’d never felt so “heard”), the facilitators do a very “gentle” job of moving the agenda along, which is very solution/resource focused. This group also works tirelessly to educate the general public about bipolar and to dispell the stigmas associated.

My advise, (and I’m not a doctor, lawyer or Indian Chief, lol) based on my experience (and, btw, I have very high self-esteem and couldn’t care much less what others may think) is that if you choose to reveal your disorder to someone, no matter how long you’ve known them or what the nature of your relationship, know that you do so at a great risk..and weigh that risk against (whatever you would like to be) the benefits…Ask yourself and think long and hard: Why do I feel a need to tell this person, and if they can’t handle it (for whatever reason) am I prepared to lose the relationship? Only you can answer that question in each situation.
Bless you in your pursuit of a balanced, happy, healthy life!
Kim

It’s so easy for someone without a disorder to tell the person to not care what others think. My daughters both suffer from mental health disorders. My oldest has not only bipolar but obsessive compulsive disorder. She is sure she knows what everyone thinks and that everyone thinks she is crazy. The sad thing is, even family does not understand fully. They try, but they really don’t get it. YES, it’s about self esteem and self confidence, but even with therapy and medications and when they are not in their most depressed states, they can only reveal their diagnosis’ to very few. Even their father doesn’t understand and he has problems of his own. It’s sad. I understand because I’ve had problems with depression and my mom was bipolar and I certainly learned about the stigma attached to that. I think that is probably one of the worst because when someone is manic, society puts them in the “crazy” category, rather then trying to understand that if someone can look past it, the person suffering is just like they are! They are not crazy, and given time, they will be rational and more “normal”. We have had people tell us that they just need to get over it and stop acting crazy. People that say, “just don’t worry about it”. Like that’s possible. I don’t know how to get my girls to not care about what people think. It is a sticking point to their therapy. There is nothing that anyone tells them that makes them believe that people don’t look at them differently and think they are crazy.

When the writer said: I don’t feel I have the strength to overcome any
rejection I might face. Yet at t times I am desperately lonely…How does
one get the inner strength not to care? I had a different take on it than you did, David. She wants to be strong enough not to care what others think about her having bipolar.

Your remarks concerning Stigma were excellent. Wouldn’t that be something if we would all speak up? But in this society, I think the only way it would make a difference is if “famous” people would stand up for their bipolar friends and families, and selves. It would be great if large posters or billboards could be set up around the country listing famous people past and present who suffered with bipolar disorder – yet they accomplished great things. It could say: SUPPORT THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW WHO DEAL WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER! THEY’RE WORTH IT!

My feeling is that, as a “supporter,” I cannot help if I am not given the facts about someone’s mental illness. Quite truthfully, I feel I am being left out of the loop and could help quite a bit if I were told the truth. I am positive that there are more “supporters” who feel the same way that I do.

Stigma is usually caused by ignorance. Ordinary people know little or nothing about bipolar disorder. If they knew how many well known creative and often highly intelligent and successful people have / had the condition they would not be ashamed of having a family member, friend or neighbour who has it.

Dave, I chose not to go public with my diagnosis for many years. I hid the fact that I had mental illness and found I was so lonely and desperate for acceptance I was never gonna get as no one knew why I acted the way I did. Now I am public with my mental illness. My employer knows and all my friends and family know and things have totally turned around. I have found the acceptance that I have always been looking for. I have a good strong network of support. Sure I still come up with the negative people who do not understand mental illness and have some nasty comment to say but the positives far out way the negatives and I am so much more happier within my self and my mental illness.

I feel for this lady as I have once been diagnosed with major depression and later on with mixed bipolar. One of the first new relationships I had after I established my episode with depression was destroyed because I told that person about it. I guess it really wasn’t a relationship at all looking back. That episode really hurt and it took me 20 years and another episode to open up and tell people that I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. People that I work with still don’t know and I don’t think they ever will. Friends from my church know and it feels wonderful to have a support system finally. My feeling is that some people don’t know how to deal with it and I feel sorry for them. Looking back on that relationship, I realize how fragile it really was. I was very lonely for a long time after and I fortunately got along without telling a lot of people anything about it.

Hi, I am a bipolar I with borderline personality disorder, anxiety, panic attacks, post traumatic stress, just to name a few. Every time I have to deal with my family I have to deal with the stigma and ignorance attached to mental illness. Which is totally crazy because frankly my mom’s side of the family is crazy! I have been able to trace back the mental illness in my family back to at least my great-great grandmother. It was the family secret that no one talked about. We discussed heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, but not mental illness. I just had to share the worst form of stigma and ignorance I have personally experienced. About 2-3 years after I was diagnosed with bipolar, I was having a hard time of it. At times the side effects of the medicines were sometimes as bad if not worst than the bipolar itself. My mom is very active in her church and asked if I would mind if she requested prayer for me, I’m a spiritual person so I said, sure. A short time after that I attended church with my mom and got the shock of my life when the preacher preached his entire sermon on how we allow satan and demon possession into our lives in the form of mental illness. My mom had her hands towards the heavens, saying amen and halaluah the whole sermon! It was a shock to discover I was “demon possessed”, to say the least!!
Even now, if I even bring up mental illness around my family you can visably see them tense up. I can talk about how high blood pressure runs in the family and they will all talk about what we need to do to combat it, no problem. Let me say that mental illness runs in the family and my mom will get really upset and snap at me that I say that like everyone in the family has it. Ignorance at its finest! I have alienated, no, I should say they have alienated me because I am very vocal about mental illness. Anybody who knows me knows I have bipolar. Most of my community knows I have bipolar, some because of the crazy behavior in my past, but most because I talk about it to any one who will listen. Education is the key ingrediant to combating ignorance, and I educate anyone who will listen! I’m bipolar, I have a chemical embalance of the brain. Just like a diabetic has a chemical embalance of the pancrease. Have you ever seen a diabetic when their insulin/sugar is out of whack? Talk about some crazy behavior and no one holds it against them.

Hi Dave
I will always be thankful for your website as reading your emails and the history of your mother helped me for the FIRST time to really understand my husband, and why the same person who could be so gentle and kind could all of a sudden turn into a raging bull (verbally, mostly). I know now that what triggers the rages the most is stress of many kinds. The angry words still hurt, but at least I understand him much better. As far as meds. go, he is permanently on Cilift, and I recently added lithium orotate that I can buy from a certain company. He takes them willingly and the lithium does seem to calm him down.
Best wishes

Dear Dave:

Moving emails like this underline what an important service you provide. As a student finishing a Masters in psychoanalytic studies, I am constantly aware of the industry-and I emphasise industry which mental health has, does and will generate-without the accompanying CONCERN for the total welfare of patients(calling them clients is just a pseudo veneer for the health professionals benefit). The issue is an economic one. By economic I mean do the plus’s out weigh the minus’s. In nearly all cases of friends I know-and friendship is the key, telling others about a mental ailment has been an added burden-sometimes an overwhelming one- which increases the person’s sense of worthlessness and adds the absurd baggage which society projects onto those who ARE marginalized by society. Trust is paramount-and positive feedback instrumental in this. Yet society as a whole-and there are exceptions-works on the ladder principal-and if I climb over you to get higher, I am just a ‘true’ member of the ‘rat race’. The medical profession is making amazing/stunning progress in the area of mental health-especially in increasingly specific medication-and neuro-science-but what is missing is concern for the suffering of people who have to cope with a debilitating illness-over which they at times have zero control. Over here(Australia) they have introduced a unit to the medical degree on awareness for the patient’s welfare-science is abounding, but technology has left the simple basis of care in relative neglect. Dave your ministry fills a gap-the most essential gap-that of true care. Medication is essential-but concern for the sufferings of people afflicted with bp not only reduces the need/amount of drugs to stabilize a person-but also ministers to the basic human need to feel and be whole.

Dave,

Keep on the good work,

your friend,

Neville.

Dave,
I know just how she feels!!!!!! It’s not that a person with bipolar doesn’t want people to know, it’s how they treat you once they do know. My family tells me all the time that they know how I feel because they have friends who are bipolar! Thats a crock!!!!!!!! No one, and I do mean no one, knows how one feels who suffers from bipolar. I’ve been this way for over 14 years now, and the pain is so real, the roller coaster ride is unbelievable, and people DO NOT UNDERSTAND UNLESS THEY ARE BIPOLAR!!!!!!!! That is how I feel, and I know others with bipolar who feel the same as I do. The pain is so real, no matter what a person says, does, or even thinks changes that. I know you mean well, but you have to live the ride yourself in order to know who a person feels who has bipolar. I’ve been reading your emails every single day, and a lot of them are right on the money, but this one I have to disagree with. I don’t want to upset anyone, but its how it is.

david , i am Tracey’s brother and i have a heap of stories i can tell you about this dilemma.
i am 48 and suffered severe trauma at age 18 . i saw someone i knew dead and disfigured in a volksWagOn beetle with its roof removed by the rescue team, twenty minutes after this wonderful person picked up a cap i dropped and we had a quick conversation.

now i realised the importance of this only this year as i was driving around perth and it came flooding back as i drove down the street my friend died on.

now its important for the reader to realise that this situation is my own personal circumstance and the [medical model] can benefit from the information but must stop short of treating each case the same way! its important to remember a few simple truths
1 – we are all different, different sexes,races, backgrounds, family histories, different motivations and purposes,different this different that. you can not GENERALISE.

2 we all react differently to stresses and events etc a we all have different coping mechanisms and develop different strategies to cope and to ;put off events etc till we can cope.

3 that being said we often we do many similar things to others , but just in different orders or ways. we are all essentially the same regardless of wether we are a kalahari bushman, wall st stockbroker, sultan, emperor, prime minister, slave, serf, thief or just plain citizens of the planet earth!!!!!

i have been given the label of what i have and now no longer repeat it to anyone, except the few people i know and trust.

how i do i deal with not caring or trying to complete a singlehanded mission to tell the whole world or who ever i meet what ,

i think i have or have been told i have.? remember this i am not denying that anything is wrong or that some things apply to me, no way!!! but, but but, [USED INTENTIONALlY] there are reasons to be cautious about taking on a condition, or satisfying your self that thats all there is or all you can do!!! i refuse to lay down an accept that nothing else can be done.

SO, CARING ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK, WHILE NECESSARY TO YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS A NOBLE AND GOOD THING.

BUT IF IT COMES AT THE EXPENSE OF IGNORANCE, STIGMA, CHANGED CIRCUMSTANCES, LACK OF DIGNITY RESPECT AND TOLERANCE.
[WHICH BY THE WAY IS WHAT YOU GET FROM FRIEND, FAMILY AND TRUSTED ONES] THE GOOOOOD STUUFF I MEAN.
ITS BETTER NOT TO SAY ANYTHING, THEY WILL KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG THEY CAN GUESS ASSUME ETC BUT IF THEY CANT DEAL WITH YOU PROPERLY OF YOU CANT TRUST THEM TO AND YES WE RISK IT SOME TIMES , IT COMES OFF SOMETIMES IT BACKFIRES. YOU DONT NEED TO SAY ANYTHING. REMEMBER ITS YOUR LIFE NO ONE ELSES AND EVEN DOCTORS ARENT ALLOWED TO TELL ANY ONE WHAT THEY KNOW.

REGARDLESS USE YOUR EXPERIENCES TO HELP YOURSELF AND JUST TALK TO OTHERS , NO NEED TO MAKE SUGGESTIONS OR OFFER ADVICE, PEOPLE IN GROUP SITUATIONS OR EVEN FAMILY GATHERINGS ETC DISCOVER WAYS TO SORT EM SELVES OUT JUST BY TALKING AND HAVING CONVERSATIONS.

YOU KNOW THE SITUATION WHEN THE ” PENNY DROPS” YOU CAME TO THAT BY YOURSELF.

PEOPLE WANT TO HELP WE ALL WANT TO HELP EACH OTHER , HELP YOURSELF MORE BY MODIFYING HOW YOU INTERACT WITH OTHERS. IT WORKS I HAVE NEVER FELT SO MUCH ALIVE AS I HAVE NOW AND I HAVE PLENTY TO BE SAD ABOUT!!!!!!

YOUR HEALTH MENTAL OR OTHERWISE IS YOUR BUSINESS. KEEP IT THAT WAY!!!!!!!!

MARK

Well, exactly how “healthy” are the Healthy? Just a lack of a mental illness does not make them stable, mature, reliable or any of these things we so badly want them to be. Yes, we will be stigmatised, always. No, it can not be avoided.

It’s your choice if you want to come out with this and to whom, but just don’t expect all people to understand. I have come to learn that we easily over-estimate the capabilities of “healthy” people. Just as A Finn’s daughter is the scapegoat (come on, what’s easier to blame ?) so society frequently treats us all as either scapegoats, fools, or we are blamed for hiding behind our conditions. Maybe she needs to find a new school (?)

So, before you decide to tell The World who and what you are, make sure The World is worth it. Some people really do not have the capacity to deal with this and expecting them to be able to, is setting yourself up for a lot of heartache.

Hi I could help feel for the woman who’s lonely and worried about telling ones about her illness. I’ve told a dear friend who I thought was my friend but turned out to be my enemy. She went and spread gossip about me in the congregation at the Kingdom Hall. So now I’m so embarrassed that I DON’T attended meetings anymore and have stopped associating with the witnesses. That’s because I have been so mistreated by other witnesses that I don’t want to be part of the organization anymore. People would treat me like a kid and like I was a mental case. I HATE what she’s done and just want it to go away. Even people here in my apartments talk about me and say I’m strange. What bothers me, there is another person with Bipolar but they don’t talk about her they say how sweet she is and everything cause her moms there.
In someways I try to understand why this is happening but I try to keep my head up regardless what people say but I can’t continue indefinitely. It hurts real bad and I mean deep, when you’ve been a Witness for 29 years and the whole time you’ve been cut down and ridiculed because of the way you are it hurts very much.
Why can’t people just try to understand the illness and except it for what it is. Yes I’m very lonely and it because I’ve told people I’m Bipolar.

I thank the ord every day for having found your page to receive all this valuable information. I was diagnosed last year with Bipolar Disorder II and at the begining after a few months on the medication I decided to quit using it on my own. I did not go back to the Doctor or received any type of professional guidance thru that process of breaking up with the meds. The withdrawal symptoms are as bad as you can imagine, and then some more. Now I regret doing it because what follow that unthought of decision was pure HELL!!!. Not only form me but for my husband, whose my main suppoter thru this disorder. I recently started to take my meds again because the condition was really getting out of control I was was really harming those I love. All along this past year I’ve been praying the Lord to cure me, because being a Christian and all I trust he can do it. But htis past saturday and after talking to my Pastor about what I am going thru with this condition, she suggested I go back to medicating my self and then let the Lord take care of me. It doen’t mean he cant cure me. It means that being medicated is the best way I can get cured. Now, in regards to the message you bring on this newsletter, and sorry I drifted away for a while there, I 100% agree with you. I myself have decided that I will not hide my condition. That doesn’t mean I’ll be yelling it at the top of my lungs, but when truth comes to be I will admit to it and don’t believe that by hiding it I will be doing me or anybody else for that matter any good. I have started to open up regarding this issue. I attend a support groupthat even thought its not specifically for people with Bipolar Disorder, its more for people who are going through or have had Depression in all its forms or even just know anybody who’s been or is deppressed and believe me when I say that its the best feeling when you can share your experience with others. Then again, to find out that there are people that are having an even worst time than you are controling your emotions, gives you a little hope that you can get better. That doesn’t mean in anyway that you’ll get glad that other people are worst off than you are, but it helps to know your not as bad as you thought and that there is hope after all. I don’t think that by denying the condition its gonna go away. Not at all. The sooner you start facing the fact that you have it and let the people closest to you know, the better off you will be. It’s been my experience in admitting my condition that people are more interested in supporting and praying for me that rejecting me. The more they know the better they will be treating you and even looking up information to learn how to deal with the condition there loved one has to live with. I don’t feel no rejection what so ever, by the contrary, I’ve feel great support from my loved ones and my brothers and sister in the faith. God id good all the time!!!

I have learned so much from this site-TY Dave! I’m only light to moderate BP thank-GOD,so many others have a much more difficult struggle. I lost my husband due to him not knowing or believing I had a problem. His family still believes “I’m Crazy” & refuses to even speak. I’ve stopped taking it personal because Your can’t make someone believe or support you even if they do love you. My symptoms manifest themselves usually only under extreme duress.When I’m emotionally stressed or start feeling an episode coming on because of something I THINK is happening to threaten my emotional security. It starts with me feeling a fight or flight syndrome. My hands shake really bad & I can’t get a grip on my racing thoughts. In the past I would do really crazy impulsive things & become very obsessed with one issue. I’m so fortunate to only have to be on mild tranquilizers & now I do have a support group of loved ones I call on when I start feeling an episode. They have helped talk me down from making big mistakes that would eventually hurt myself & others. I hope this lady can find the same to help her.Some people will always think were really ok & acting out for attention but, to bad.I know & am dealing pretty well now that I know something really is not right. Advice: Research,research,research & DON’T Give up until you get the help you need. Find that support at church, on here or wherever friends & family are that do care & will help. Good-Luck & God Bless!

I read similar article also named Stigma and Bipolar Disorder, and it was completely different. Personally, I agree with you more, because this article makes a little bit more sense for me

Found your blog on yahoo – thanks for the article but i still don’t get it.

I was diagnosed almost 2 months ago and everyone I know knows i am bipolar. I have only had one person act negativly to me and of course it was someone i cared a great deal about BUT obviously that prson didnt care about me. Since then I have posted blogs about my disorder to educate people about bipolar disorder. It’s not something you should be ashamed of or need inner strength in order to repel rejection because of it. What if you were diabetic? Is that so taboo? Of course not so why in bipolar taboo? Why do we have to feel like we arent normal and dont fit in because of something we have no control over? I hate that people feel that way, I wish i could educate everyone on how it is not some sort of disabiliy that should be put with the skeletons in the closet, that it’s a disorder an illness that is very treatable and people live successful lives with it everyday. I am a 26 yr old single mother and i own my own business, i dont openly tell my clients but if on were to ask I would no hesitate to tell them. Bipola disorder is not something to be ashamed of.

betty from South Carolina

hello .. i am not so new at this .. but yet not very knowledgeable either.. i am a Mother of a grown daughter with bi-polar disorder and she has 3 young boys … my two oldest grandsons do all the work in the home.. my daughter is very cruel to them at times and it breaks my heart all the time.. my daughter blames me for everything that goes wrong in her life and she creates these big lies how i was this horrible mother to her.. granted i was not a perfect mother .. but i have had problems in life just like she has had… but it is ok for her to do things but not for me to do the same things she has done. [just simple human nature mistakes]my grandchildren have had dss called on their mother several times and it does not help protect them from her outbursts of meanness or whatever you call it.. she is abusive to them not just verbally but mentally and violent when she wants to be. she breaks their stuff like on Christmas and beats them and yells at them for unneeded reasons..she is so mean.. i wonder is this all of the b. disorder or what? she stays up all night and sleeps all day … the dss wont do nothing about this except try to make sure she keeps her doctor appointments. i have worried myself sick for my grandchildren i wish they would come and live with me.. but she resents me so much and the thought of them coming here is not to even be mentioned. she hates me so much and all i ever have done is try to help her. she turns on me like a rattle snake. i dont know what i do too upset her so much… i use to help her babysit all the time and never did she seem to appreciate it.. there were times she seemed to be herself . but mostly she is very bitter.resentful. jealous. and selfish . out for anything she can get for herself. i feel so sorry for my grandchildren. the youngest is 3 . then 9 then the oldest just turned 13 years of age. my heart stays broken all the time. i have diabetes and am over weight.. high blood pressure and arthritis which is crippling me . i wonder why she does not call and even ask me how am i doing.. oh! … she says… what about me!! i get so tierd of hearing that phrase what about me what about me…i have tried and tried to tell her i care and i want her to have the best of care and i told her for years that she needed to get some help. she thought i was crazy and she still does. she has to be center of attention or else.. she buys things for herself and spends money like crazy while some times she could of done paid a bill with it or saved it for hard times … she always needs money and lives off of others generosity… i never taught her these things! now she did finally on her own go and get help from a doctor.. but she is sometimes worse then before she started her medications..i live alone and all i do now is pray that the Lord will try to help her see her heart and to get her life back on track and for her to have the love and understanding a mother should have towards her children.. this is all the family i have is them .. When my mother died she beat me up just because she could not have her way about staying with a friend she wanted to stay with in Virginia where we went to bury my mom… then 2 years later she moved 500 miles away[Va.] and it tore my heart out.. all i had was them after my mother died.. i’ve been alone ever since… she never calls me and forbids the kids to have anything to do with me.. i don’t know what i have really done to deserve all of this.. i miss them and wish i could see them. phone calls are few and every conversation between her and i seems to lead to some kind of arguement on her part .. she blames me but i don’t see where i started it. i try so careful to not say anything to get her upset with me but i fail. my main concern is the children… the oldest does all the work. he is practically the daddy to his little brother…ever since the littlest one was born the oldest had to do all the work and that meant him staying up at night with him and going to school the next day with little sleep too.. not saying cooking and cleaning and getting yelled at for not doing it good enough or fast enough and every thing else she demanded from him … he has never had a child hood .. he had to be an adult since he was born. when they lived here down the road a ways i had to rescue him and the 8 year old all the time on the count of her out bursts. mostly over her relationships with her men. i could tell everyone so many stories it would make you hat spin. i hate to admit it but a part of me has relief that they moved but another part is very upset and sad and worried. i am so confused and sad and lonely for them but i just can’t live with all the drama .. my wonder is how do those poor kids cope with all of it as young as they are and come out healthy later in life and why don’t someone help them in Virginia??? DSS has been called on them by her sister and neighbors up in Va. and her neighbors in S. Carolina .. i called one time to tell them the oldest was not in school for a month and a half. now she really hates me. but what was i suppose to do?? she cannot raise those kids all by her self. she is not capable person to do all is needed of her and for those kids.! her mind is not mature enough to do it..she needs so much more help then she is getting .. what can i do?? my heart is breaking for all of them so much…. is there any one going through the things i am going through out there?? If it was not for the Lord i would absolutely go insane with this and the guilt she throws at me for all of this…. thanx for listening

I started a new job in January, and even before I started, I let the managers know I am bipolar. They hired me anyhow, and I have been working steady here snice then. My managers know my mood signs, and I’ve also been able to show them I am still able to function at my job during episodes. I think “going public” to them was one of the best things I did. Now the going joke is when a co-worker says something along the lines of “this place makes me crazy” the comeback is “I thought that was a requirement” or “It must be a crazy place, because they hired me.” They know me enough now not to be “stand-offish” and I hope in “coming out” and still functioning, I’ve helped break the stigma to some degree. I just took a chance.

My husband likes to be crazy. He calls himself and gives himself the award “the craziest of the crazies” it gives him excuse to hide behind for bad behavior, poor manners and abusing people. So he has taken advantage of the diagnosis to abuse people. He even calls his support group nuts like us. But his brother, a medical doctor, refuses to allow any of his colleagues or friends know about his brother’s “problem” so really it starts with the medical profession in reducing the stigma. But there are issues that are real to deal with – the full moon does make things worse – at least for us with mania and for the police and mental health centers. There are real issues that can and should be highlighted – and explained scientifically. But in my case, I think my husband makes the stigma worse because people equate his behavior with bipolar.

I don’t believe everyone was meant to be an advocate/educator about mental illness, regardless of whether they are personally affected by it or not.

Disclosure is a very personal choice, and it is not just one choice to make at any one given time, or within one context.

I think part of integrating and accepting any illness within one’s self involves confronting many, many such decisions thoughtfully.

It’s not for everyone to wave a flag in a kind of coming-out event. Nor is it necessary, unless that is what an individual wants to do.

Disclosure, to me, is not an issue of self-esteem, success or failure. It is simply a matter of healthy boundaries.

Think in terms of almost any other medical condition. Do you tell everyone you have it? Should you? If you don’t tell everyone, or in fact, if you decide not to tell anyone, does it mean you are ashamed of it?

No! It means you are using your judgment so that yours and everyone else’s needs are best met, and so that you don’t open yourself up to hurt that could otherwise be avoided.

I am disturbed by the question posed regarding whether or not stigma could be diminished if supporters and their loved ones took better care of the illness.

I’ll respond by simply saying, “No,” and that the implication here is: “If people with bipolar keep behaving badly, perhaps they and their families will continue to be stigmatized.”

In fact every mental illness carries with it a stigma, as does AIDS and a number of other major health threats many people are still unenlightened about.

The vast, vast majority of people with bipolar disorder could not even be recognized as coping with this stigmatized disorder, not even if you sat next to them every day at work, or in school.

If anything, those people within that majority among folks with bipolar might choose to speak up. For instance, we do often hear an unkind comment from someone who does not know better than to make light of bipolar disorder, or to intentionally insult a person because they are known to be affected by it.

What if someone knew you for years, but did not know you had bipolar disorder, because you were stable, and because your symptoms never became severe enough to be noticeable. (This DOES happen, and in fact it is COMMON – bipolar disorder can be stablized over periods of years, during which someone in a workplace environment would not be able to detect it. Stable does not necessarily mean symptom free. It means a person is successful enough in their treatment that they can live WELL with symptoms at a minimal level).

But let’s say after a long period of time during which a co-worker does not know about the illness, she makes a snide comment which is offensive to anyone with sensitivity and compassion for people with bipolar disorder.

Suppose at that point I can calmly and kindly let her know that the remark offends me as a person who copes daily with bipolar disorder.

I stress, again, that constant, dramatic, terrible episodes of what are often called “bad behavior” are not the norm. I say so not to suggest that there are a lot of “well-behaved” people with bipolar disorder, which somehow cancels out the “bad behavior” which we often suggest contributes to stigma.

I AM saying that it is JUST as important to focus upon the fact that this wildly unstable and tragic effect of the illness is by far NOT all there is.

It is NOT typical of the population of people with bipolar as a whole. Of course, it IS typical for individuals and families, if in your personal situation you live with this suffering and loss of function every day. There is no minimizing that.

But the fact that the great majority of people with this condition are, most of the time, doing so WELL that a person sitting next to them every day would never know they had bipolar (unless they chose to disclose it), is a great, great HOPE.

Maybe people who are unenlightened do need or want to see what they consider a “well behaved” person with bipolar disorder before they can stop stigmatizing.

How many times, even in one day, do you think they walk by a person with this disorder but they don’t even know it?

If you want to focus on managing bipolar disorder or supporting a person in managing it, do it for yourselves. Don’t do it because you THINK someone will stop stigmatizing you.

One last note: I think it needs to be stressed often that managing bipolar or supporting someone with bipolar is not about “acting right” or getting your loved one to “act right.” The irony is that this sort of thinking is the very foundation of the stigma we try to combat.