Hi David.

Yes i am a caregiver and a supporter.

Kind regards
Anthony

As a retired nurse, I know all about this topic. Great definitions, Dave and Michelle. I am definately a supporter. I’ve been accused of being heartless because I will not do for someone what they can do for themselves.

I live in South Africa and have never heard of having a Bipolar supporter, I’ve always tackled this alone. But then the stigma of the disease means that not many people are aware that I’m a sufferer. So we continue on the road to ruin with just minds as our ruin. I’ve even tried organising a Bipolar Support Group but to no avail – mental disease has too much stigma.

Caregiver

i guess i would be considered both carer and supporter as my husband and two daughters have bipolar and i can get tired and cranky and sometimes have moan about the illness

I try and be a supporter and I am happy to be so.
I find my bp partner rejects me every time he is manic and he himself doesn’t realise WHY he reacts in this way, so we have a very unstable relationship.
In depression, I can hold him and tell him not to be scared, which I know he appreciates but in manic, he is hypersexual, hurtful and self-important. In such situations it is difficult to do anything….except wait…and hope..and be a doormat!!
We are in France; there is little information on bp here and what there is is so basic, that he couldn’t begin to investigate his illness as I can ( I am English). He is medicated but not well enough in my limited experince and he loves manic, so how much support can one give to that?
I think the sufferer has also to WANT to be supported.
I would be more of a supporter if the situation allowed.

Jill

Hi.

My grandaughter is bipolar and I am a supporter.

I have a family who does not understand bipolar or depression illnesses and they don’t want to try to understand. They are accusing, blaming, argumentive, hurtful and give what they call ‘constructive critisim.’ I have learned the hard way, and now I try very hard not to call them, tell them anything or ask for the slightest amount of help.

They will NOT help me and call me ‘lazy’ ‘worthless’ and a ‘loser.’ Their actions have been very damaging to me. I have asked for money from them in the past. They gave me a few hundred dollars and commented that ‘they were not going to support me for the rest of my life.’ I figured the money was not worth their abuse.

They think that everything that has happened to me over the past several years has been my own fault. They blame me for not being able to hold a job and not working. They blame for not being able to take care of my elderly parent, who is also a relative of their’s. They blame me for all the ‘mistakes’ I have made during my entire lifetime.

The family has blamed me for all the suicide attempts I have tried over the past few years. They fault me for ‘crying wolf’ all the time. They say I don’t even try to make myself better and am using the ‘excuse’ of mental illness as my ‘crutch. They no longer come to visit me when I am in the hospital. They don’t c’all to see how I am doing. They think my suicide attempts are to ‘gain attention.’ Now, they say, “She’s done all this before, no one can help her — look at how many doctors she’s had — she’s beyond all help.”

I am sure there are a lot of victims like me, who have families like the one I described. They are not supporters, they are ‘destroyers.’ They are hurtful people. I actually now believe that my family ‘wishes the worst for me.’

They are actually disappointed when I survive a suicide attempt!!! Which should make me want to try to survive, just to spite them. But, I don’t have suicidal ideation because of them, it is due to my illness, not being to cope with my problems or having the correct medication or having a good doctor or therapist.

I am alone in my struggles, but I do not need people who are intentionally hurtful to me. I have learned who are NOT my supporters.

Supporter. On Tuesday my boyfriend, who is Yuma AZ right now started yelling at me on the phone because of something that is going on there. I told him not to yell at me as I was not his problem. He hung up on me. He then called me back and apologized for taking his frustations out on me. Sometimes I feel like I am his lifeline because when he needs to vent I am there for him to talk to. Sommetimes he just rattles, about nothing in particular. Here lately he acts like he is unlovable. He is acting very insecure. Is this part of being bipolar?

I am a caregiver to a 38 year old son. He has recently been diagnosed with Chron’s desease and is using it as an excuse why he cannot go to his Psychiatrist or go on medication. I don’t know what to say or do to have him get himself help.

I have a daughter who is bi-polar and she too, has not had any help from her family because they don’t want to understand. I am really the only one she can count on, but at times I think I have been an enabler. I try not to be, but sometimes it is hard. She got into drugs when she graduated from High School and was even sent to prison for 12 months because of it. He father won’t talk to her and thinks she is still on the drugs. I don’t think she is, but it is hard to tell her bi-polar from the drug situation. We are raising two of her kids and she has two more with her husband. He was also into the drugs. Don’t think he is now, but not 100% sure. My daughter won’t take medicine for the bi-polar because she doesn’t like how she feels while on it (she says she feels like a zombie) and two she can’t afford to go to a Dr. and Psychiatrist to get on it. She can’t hold down a steady job, but is a hard worker when she is stable enough to work. My husband and I fight all the time because of her and he won’t even have anything to do with the two kids she has. He loves the ones we are raising, but resents her for us having to raise them. She said she would take them but he won’t let her and I think they want to continue living with us. They see her when they want. My son also won’t have anything to do with her and hates her husband. I’m not sure she really loves her husband, but he is the only one that has stuck by her through all of this and I think she feels she needs him. She can’t make it on her own either so that is another reason she stays. I am so torn between all of them and I take depression medicine just to get myself together at times. I wish I had someone to talk to about all of this, but can’t afford to go to counseling either. My daughter is only 27 and looks like she is 40. I love her so and I feel her hurt.

hi Dave,
i am both a person who has bi-polar and i am a supporter of my partner who has bp too. it is difficult i have written before about this. it is hard my partner has alot of other physical ailments too. so i am a caregiver too. so it is hard to see where one part of my role end and the next begins if you know what i mean. then there is also me. i have my own issues at times myself, even through i have been pretty stable for a while. like 1 yr. that is a good start with the self mutilation. but i am on my meds correctly and take them faithfully. and i have a good support team. i am doing well and my partner is not so stable and she has a good team too. i just have alot of roles in my relationship. but i just wonder how other people in the same or similar situation deal with it all. thanks Dave , and God Bless all who”s lives are touched by all illness’s.

hey there i just was diagnosed with bi-polar/ manic depressive have been pon 4 different medications within the last 4 years all are in the pram family the phyciatric doc. says that he wants to try me on lithium i only have a few more minutes of concentration left so i will hurry is this the web site for me my husband is so very supportive but i think he is getting streeede with no answers and my work is suffering cause i have been provoked a number of times by management so i am off for the last month i have a docs opp. tomorrow and i want to take some more time off a month did not even start to relax me. i am terrified that i am going to do something desperate soon if i cant find my way out…

desparetley seeking sanity.

I would be a supporter. The reason I state like this is as I mentioned before I want all the information I can get so I can give it to my niece, the one that has been diagnosed with the condition. Which I am hoping to see now that I go back home.

I am a supporter of my boyfriend who is bipolar. Provided he is stable on his meds and not having an episode he can live very well on his own. He likes being independent and does not want a caregiver though appreciates me as a supporter.

He could not keep a full time job and as he is on disability pay, he does not need one. If we were to get married or live together as a couple, we could not manage on his income and mine from part time self employment, as we would be means tested. I could not support him financially. However, I could get paid by the government as a caregiver (not a supporter). I would be doing exactly the same and still be a “supporter”, only be a “caregiver” on paper.

I acknoledge all these comments, I feel I can identify with a lot of them. However my concerned other has not been diagnosed, I have been searching for information that may explain his erratic behaviour. The information I have read is certainly helpfull. Thank you.

Finally, I understand the difference! Yes, I want to be a supporter, but so often this disease forces you into the caregiver and doormat role. I am going to work harder at this!

Berny,

I was reading through the posts and yours stood out to me. I have compassion for you because you are having such a hard time. When he is between episodes, I would try to get him to agree to work at trusting you when you tell him that he is not behaving appropriately at times and that you will tell him when it is starting. Also, that if he goes into one of his episodes that you will give him notice that he is not seeing things clearly. If he can’t understand that he is being aggressive and know enough to stop, I would find somewhere to go while he is in his episodes, tell his doctor what is happening, that he is going out of control and becoming aggressive, and that you need the dr to adjust his medication accordingly. You didn’t mention if he was on medication or not. If he is not, there is not much anyone can do to calm him down during an episode. Bipolar requires medication to stabilize it just like diabetics need insulin to stabilize them. Without medication there is nothing anyone can do to calm him down. I would focus all my energy on getting him either to a doctor, or telling his doctor about this problem. I have bipolar and nothing anyone could do could bring me out of an episode of mania when it occurred. Neither could they convince me to not be depressed or feel hopeless when I was down. Medication is essential to treat bipolar. Also seeing a psychologist helps to teach us how to manage our own moods ourselves. No one can manage my moods for me. That is something I have to do. My sister is abusive to her children. The police have been called a couple times already and they do nothing. I am a supporter on standby if you know what I mean. I can’t do anything until she seeks the help she needs and stops drinking. I can encourage her to seek help. I gave her the list of Bipolar symptoms that Dave had in this blog the other day, and she still refuses to accept the diagnosis. If he accepts it, there is help for him, but a good doctor is hard to find. If he is seeing a doctor that refuses to change or adjust his medication, I would try to find one who listens to you and be supportive and encourage him to see the new dr and to try working with a different doctor.

I hope this helps…
Sincerely,
Bob

I’m trying to be a supporter. Not sure if I’m being either, caregiver or supporter? I broke up with my boyfriend who has bipolar but we remained friends and talk everyday. I am trying to be there for him when he needs someone. He is currently in a bad episode. He has been in pretty bad shape for most of the 2008 year. He for the most part gets very depressed, just stays in his bed and doesn’t go to work. He was in the hospital and left about 1 week and 1/2 ago. When he left the hospital he really wasn’t any better. He is at the point where he lost his job and his family doesn’t help much. He is supposedly on medication and he has been seeing doctors. I don’t know if I am making the situation worst by trying to be a friend/supporter when we used to date. But I find that I can help him more this way because my feelings don’t get hurt so much when he doesn’t treat me good since it is a different relationship. We have found away to get him medication and treatments for free since he doesn’t have health insurance. THIS IS A BIG HELP FOR HIM. The problem is also that he makes it very hard for anyone to help him. He tries to do everything himself but unfortunately with this illness the right decisions are not always made. I try to be supporter but often wonder if I am being a caregiver. I am trying to hang in there and wait for when he is out of this episode so we can try to plan for a better future but he just doesn’t ever seem to reasonable enough for us to do this. Does it make sense that an episode could be ongoing this way?

I have been thinking it was ME who was crazy and out of my mind until I read these posts. My husband has not been officially diagnosed with BP but the more I read the more it seems to fit. He knows something isn’t right about his mood swings but thinks he can manage it. They’re not as bad as some of the stories I read. I have been an enabeler because before I understood what was going on, I thought his behavior was MY fault. When we saw a counselor a few years ago, he downplayed the mood swings, said everyone has them. He told me that I was overeacting to my past with an abusive father (who, I come to think of it, is probably BP too). He said I think ALL men are hypersexual, and my husband wouldn’t act that way if I wasn’t so withholding and unaffectionate. He says my husband acts this way because he feels unloved so it’s his way of hurting me back. By me withholding affection I am counterhurting so I’m exasberating the cycle. So I felt like if I was only more loving, tried harder to please sexually even though I was being constantly badgered for it, I would THEN be worthy of love and respect. I try harder and harder to please. I try harder and harder to avoid being yelled at or try to encourage him when he is depressed and insecure but no matter how hard I try, I seem to be unworthy of love or respect. I have felt like it is always my fault he was sad because I didn’t encourage him enough. It was my fault he is angry and blows up at me and tells me I’m selfish and don’t think about his needs. He knows how to manipulate me and make me feel guilty and it’s awful since my dad constantly blamed me for my innability to make him happy. I don’t think my past makes my current circumstance any less real and I don’t think this is something I just imagined up and am overreacting to. It helps me to know this is real for others too and I’m not imagining all of this. So how do you tell the difference between the can’t and won’t? How do you use boundaries? I know saying, “cheer up” or “calm down” do not work. Do I leave the house when he yells and throws furniture around? What do I do when he tries to make me feel guilty or manipulate me? I can’t really reason with him when he’s severly depressed or angry.