Hi, how’s it going? Hope you are doing well.
There’s a word that can get us into a lot of trouble. It happens to be six letters long. Can you guess what it is?
No?
I’ll give you another hint. It starts with the letter “D.” Want to see if you got it right?
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Denial. Ugly word, isn’t it? I think it is.
I’ve seen it happen far too often. In fact, the thing that made me think of this was a television show. On this show, the mother was terminally ill. Her daughters and husband would go to see her in the hospital, and act like there was nothing wrong!
They would talk to her about things that were going on – little mundane things – which was probably fine, but they kept doing so in a way that you could tell that they didn’t believe she was dying. Then, unfortunately, it became too late.
When the mother did die on this television show, it hit the two daughters hard. They hadn’t braced themselves to handle the fact that there mother was dying. The husband, on the other hand, continued to stay in denial, and wouldn’t even recognize the fact that she wasn’t coming back!
It seemed pretty ridiculous to me. Well, that, and pretty sad.
But the really sad thing is: it’s not just on television. This sort of thing happens all of the time.
Before we started paying attention to my mother’s illness, my dad and I were in a kind of denial. If we had stayed that way, the results could have been catastrophic!
Can you imagine what it must be like to be a person with bipolar disorder who doesn’t have anyone to support them? Granted, they have people around them, but if those people are in denial, then they aren’t supporting them.
Are you in denial about your loved one’s disorder? I hope not. But in case you are, let me give you a warning that I wish someone would have given me:
When it comes to bipolar disorder, denial kills. Literally. People with bipolar disorder are at a much higher risk of suicide attempts and completions than other people. This is especially true when they are not in treatment.
Now, maybe you’re thinking that if your loved one ever got to that point that you’d notice and get them help then. I’m pretty sure that is not the most well – thought of plan, and I’m not entirely sure it would work. But even if you’re right, there are other things that denial can do to a person with bipolar disorder.
Denial ruins a person financially. Denial costs a person years of their lives wasted. Denial can make for lost friends, broken connections, and burned bridges. Denial can ruin a person’s life.
Now, would you really want to be in denial, when you could be dealing with the problem instead? What can you do to make sure that you aren’t in denial?
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
Yes, Dave, I’ve seen denial in action, and it’s not pretty. It means the sufferer gets worse and his brain is ravaged by the diseases’ terrible progression. After awhile, he becomes a social pariah, with no one but the legal system to deal with him. You are doing a real service by spreading the word – Thank you, Russ Jones
I have bipolar. my”family”(husband,son and daughter) and l think most of everybody I know think I’m acting out. That this is a way to attention.Well between you and me( hopefully thats all) I would rather be put “to sleep”. Because it truely feels no one wants me. And if I forget,get anxious, sad, agrivated yes even mad…There she goes again. Honestly this is why people (I think) that comitt suicide. Nobody has hugged me in over 10+ years or any other physical touch.(contagous) I don’t know. I’ve tried to get my friends and family to reaD/ GET INFORMATION/ go with me to sessions, sugest sessions for them so the therapist can explain. I might as well not waste my breath. I am alone in a world of what a bizillion people.Do I find a relationship with someone who also has bipolar? I think that would be a disaster.But how do I find someone that Is willing to stay and NOT run when I tell them I have bipolar? I’m sorry,I’m alone and just want to be held.
Not to be affraid of the boggy man that lives inside of me.
Denial, big issue, my Bipolar husband is primary Caregiver along w/ Hospice, for ex-wife because their children are 15 & 10 & her husband is long-haul truck driver. No FMLA for self-employed! Denial of her condition leaving kids & their Mom vulnerable & frightened. Denial or my not being vigilant of my husband’s sleep & meds could be disasterous. I have to work full time & my Mom lives w/ us.
I feel tremendous pressure right now. I’m using 12 step model to remind me that I’m powerless over disease, people, etc, but God isn’t!
Thanks for the topic today, Kate
Denial is created by disbelieve. It helps you survive . I have feeling that you are trying to tell me something, be more specific. My personal denial is simple created by lack of evidence and the fear of making mistake.
Mariola
As a person who has been in treatment for my bi-polar for over 20 years I have loved the support my husband has given to me including doing counceling with me. However, 2 years ago his mother moved in and turned our whole world upside down. She is a very toxic relationship and due to our finances we are stuck where we are. He is aware that because of the added pressure of dealing with her suicide has become a problem that has to be dealt with alot. He is very good at seeing the down side come to get matters in hand before they get out of hand. Yes, a good support system is the greatest thing for a bi-polar person.
Dear Dave,
Denial ( on my part as well as other members of Rachels close knit friends) nearily cost my daughter her life-
and yet at the back of my mind I had such a dread such a fear of her state of mind. Such a fear that it froze any early intervention any useful support ,and left my daughter staring into the blinding lights of an oncoming episode.
She kept yelling at me- “Mum if you think Im not well do something about it “she even told me her darkest deepest thoughts on suicide and still I was in denial.I thought she was just trying to scare me.
Her good friends ran away from her,and some really horrible grasping characters from around her neighbourhood moved in to take their place.They gave her access to drugs and took all her money and ate all her food and stole her clothing and bedding and pout her two children at risk. And still I denied her critical condition , because she was always abusing me and everything she said was plausible.
Rachel had the presence of mind( during this terrible time) to one day email your blog Dave- I think she was screaming out at me to help her a life raft bobbing in the sea.
Finally she gave her children to her ex partner threw out everything of theirs,gave away or threw out everything of her own,took off all her clothes painted her face in silver eyeshadow donned a large rubbish sack and proceeded to walk the streets of Auckland.
It was then the scales of denial fell from my eyes.
The rest is history
Dont wait for things to get better on their own- because the situation won’t.
Don’t deny ( as Dave says) the obvious signs of unwell behaviour. I signed the court oerder to put my daughter into secure care.
Get help for your loved one quickly if youre reading Daves blog- like I started to then – you know deep down something is terribly wrong
Deal with the problem face the reality
Rachel has been well now for almost a year
I love her dearly. Rachel’s daily engagement with her enemy ( Bipolar)is a huge inspiration to me her mother I learn so much and I realise it could have just as easily been a very different story ( if I hadn’t acted in time if ‘Rachel hadnt joined the battle and turned it herself- Rachel is my hero.)
regards
Shona
Hi dave…mmmm indenial its a thought of comming to terms with situation and trying to work with it …Let me tell you theres just been a ton of waight lifted of my shoulder..I honistly couldnot work with the Xpartner any longer..and figerd it out he was a nasaccist is that spelling right…so am sorry he had to go..what a relief..I just had to get that out…
Thanks for all your Emails dave theres days when I do really look foward to reading them…Even when I dont wright on the blog I still read the Email..
Take Care Linda…x
35 yr old son says he is bipolar
he has a degree in japanese studies
for 7 years although at times he has earned mega money he spends every penny n more and targets me for cash from my pension leaving me heava
ily in debt
he drnks alcohol n brags about it
he got held in bangkok due to being gullable
came back started a masters got stressed put it on hold n went to vietnam to work on the way he spent 3,000 in a week
then pressured me for money from my pension
stress has made me ill i am 68
had to step back now he is targeting his younger brother saying he is starving and my younger son who is struggling at bible college has borrowed 100 pounds and sent it to him i believe he looses teaching jobs through drink
i cant cope with it anymore is it to do with bipolar or lack of responsibility
As bad as denial is, there is something FAR worse – Some doctors call it “Anosognosia” – This is where the person doesn’t just chose to deny that anything is wrong, they physically/mentally just CANNOT see that there is any problem.
I have experienced this first hand and it can be devastating – How do you help someone who has had full-blown manic and depressive episodes, gone into paranoia, psychosis, the “whole nine yards” in front of enough people (professional and lay) to populate 2-3 football teams yet denies that anything ever happened that might be cause for concern.
At first you think they are just lying, pretending, – denying but I have realized that they are actually seeing a very different reality than the rest of us. This is more obvious in the midst of an episode but in some BP sufferers, it is there to some extent ALL the time.
That person might go to therapy, might take their medication for a while – “Just to make you happy” – but will drop both for the slightest excuse.
Dr Xavier Amadour explains it well in his book “I’m Not Sick, I don’t Need Help”. Dr Fuller Torrey at SMI/Johns Hopkins talks about it too. The bottom line is how do you help someone who doesn’t want to be helped and can’t even see any reason why you should want to help? – I’d walk away, far, FAR away if there weren’t small children involved.
For some BP sufferers mania can be like a drug-induced high.
Look at the symptoms of a crystal meth “trip” – they’re dangerously similar to a full-manic episode and both will end with an awful crash that the high person just doesn’t see (or just doesn’t want to)
During othe rstages og the mood cycle, especially the “down” ones. I can see how some part of the brain longs for the euphoria, the all-powerful feelings, the conviction that anything and everything is possible.
That person will crave the next episode – maybe sub-conciously but just as much as a drug addict might crave the next “high”. Those cravings will over-rule logic, consideration for others, even self-preservation and could spur further denial.
Again, how do you help someone like that?
During my first hospitalization for mania (called “schizophrenia” at the time (1968), my whole family – as well as myself – was in denial. The doctor who put me on the psychiatric ward, said I was “exhausted” and “needed a rest.” Once I got ON the ward, it was apparent, by the fact that I was immediately medicated, that I had a “mental illness.” Although I came to grips with that fact, neither my Dad (who died a year later), nor my Mother (who lived to be 80), ever understood that I had a “chemical imbalance,” and was NOT responsible for my “insane” mood swings. Up until my Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, we had real “knock down, drag out” fights about my bizarre behavior, her saying, “Why (this),” or “Why (that?).” It didn’t matter if I was in mania or depression, my Mom believed SHE was responsible for what happened to me!! She NEVER understood that what I had was an ILLNESS, something I couldn’t control. It definitely does NOT help when your “support unit” doesn’t understand or comprehend what is happening to one. I am twice-widowed, and just turned 62, and live alone with my two cats (doesn’t that sound charming?), and thus have NO supporter living with me. I do, however, have friends who “monitor” my moods almost daily, as well as the local Mental Health Clinic, at which I go to Group Therapy every week, and see my shrink every other month. I have not had a major, full-blown manic episode since 1977, so all of their care MUST be worth SOMETHING!! BTW, SHONA, I’m sooo glad to hear that Rachel is well on the road to recovery. This good news says as much about YOU as it does about her. Keep up the good work!!
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I continue to pray for my country.
To LJ: Is this loved one being seen by psychiatric professionals? I agree – a manic high CAN be super-charged and something that can be “craved” by people with bipolar. There are times when I wish I could bottle hypomania, and bring it out when things get too heavy!! I’m sorry, but I don’t know how you can “get through” to a person who doesn’t WANT to be helped. Perhaps allowing them to hit “rock bottom” to the point where they have nowhere to go but UP. Unfortunately, going THAT far down can lead to unforeseen disasters. Try to talk to this person when they are between cycles, and reason with them as to their bizarre behavior and mood swings. If they are like a “junkie” and only want that manic “high,” then there is sometimes nothing you can do to help them. Some people are self-destructive, and no amount of trying to deal with them will do anything to change their mind-set.