Hi, how’s it going? Hope you are doing well.
I was talking to a random person the other day, and they asked what I did for a living. So I told them about my company, and about the fact that it is based on helping people who have bipolar disorder and their supporters.
She then looked at me and said, “Oh, yeah, my aunt is bipolar.” That really irritated me. It wasn’t the fact that her aunt happened to have bipolar disorder that irritated me, or even that she mentioned it. It was her wording.
As far as I’m aware, her aunt isn’t the personification of bipolar disorder. There is probably more to her aunt’s life than just bipolar disorder. And she certainly doesn’t need to be defined by bipolar.
Now, I’m sure that this lady didn’t mean to offend me, so I just said back to her, “Oh, your aunt has bipolar disorder?” Somehow I doubt she caught on.
Sometimes there is not much we can do to fix other people’s mistakes. But we can fix our own. And sometimes, like in this situation, it happens to be as easy as changing our wording.
Our loved ones aren’t bipolar; they have bipolar. Can you see the difference?
Let’s say you have bipolar disorder. It’s bad enough dealing with the label already. It means people look at you differently and act differently around you. It means you can’t get certain jobs and have a harder time taking on the ones you can get. It means you have to have people to support you, which you are most likely grateful for; but it’d be nice to not absolutely need them. At least not in that way.
But then on top of the label already being bad enough, let’s say that you had it worse. Let’s say that you didn’t just have bipolar disorder. Let’s say that you are bipolar.
So not only are you the person who has the problem, you are also the cause of the problem. That would really stink, wouldn’t it? To know that it was your own fault that you are in the situation you are in?
And then, there would be no way to escape from the symptoms, because the symptoms are you. You’d never get any relief. You’d never have any hope for recovery. You’d never know what it felt like to not be in a manic or depressed episode. And depending on how you look at it, if you were bipolar disorder, you would probably be responsible for other people’s pain as well. That is a thought that I don’t even want to think about.
Can you imagine what it must be like to be bipolar disorder? I can’t. So why on earth would we call our loved ones bipolar disorder? Or, those of you that have bipolar disorder, why would you do this to yourself?
It’s like adding insult to injury. It’s bad enough having bipolar disorder without making it worse by labeling it wrongly.
And people don’t do that with other diseases and disorders. You don’t hear someone saying “I am cancer,” or “she is cancer.” You don’t hear anyone saying “I am diabetes,” or “he is diabetes.” For that matter, you don’t even hear anyone saying “I am high cholesterol,” or “he is high cholesterol.” So why do we say “she is bipolar?”
Next time you start to say that, stop yourself and correct yourself. Start to say “he has bipolar disorder” instead. It is a small change. But it will make all the difference in the world.
What do you think of that?
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
Damn straight. Brilliant.
If now I could only get this through my husband’s head (he has Bipolar). Diagnosed almost 3 years ago and, although medicated, still sees himself as making the bad choices, not the chemicals (kinda in denial, like yesterday’s).
It is so tiring helping him, and our 4 kids, cope.
That was an important distinction. a person HAS Bipolar not is bipolar….non of the people who have any illness are the illness. Unfortunately an illness does encompass ones life. and fortunately those who do take their meds, live a normal life.
thanks for making that distinction.
I like what you said alot of people put labels on drifferent people. I don’t like when people label others. Its seems to be not nice to do that to someone who might have drifferent health problems or didabilities. thanks cambria
it makes me feel as if im contagous
yer dave it does sound right he as.. instead of he is..
its a brain disorder..and its a hard one to understand if you have never sufferd from it..
Take Care Linda..
Hi Dave,
Always enjoy what you send out.
I’ve thought the same thing about “being” bipolar.
I’m diabetic. To me, that is the same as saying I am diabetes. It is a part of me, I’m brunette, I’m obese,I’m a mother. I’m Capricorn.
If I had bipolar disorder, I don’t think I’d mind saying I am bipolar. Most of my friends that have it, say that as well.
That doesn’t make them the poster child. I’m sure not the poster child for Capricorn, or hopefully obesity.
It describes an aspect.
It is the relationship, it’s fine to say I am wonderful. Having a BPD diagnosis seems to be more and more prevalent. Hopefully it is losing any negative stigma.
I guess it depends on is it a statement about the person’s totality, or an aspect? Is it negative?
As a creative person, I see it actually as a plus. It seems to be pretty prevalent in my circles. I know it is a challenge, but so is being sensitive, also a plus.
All this to say I see your point, and agree with your outlook. I think what needs to happen is for bipolar disorder to lose its negative image.
I just wanted to let you know that I am one of my son’s supporters and now that he is old enough I have started reading your course to him. He has made a bigger effort to be faithful in his treatment now that the realization is there that he’s not the only one who has this terrible disorder. He and I also are very offended when people call him Bipolar. He has such a hard time even admitting that he has a problem and then people want to call him the problem. Then he starts to question why he should continue treatments when it seems he will never be symptom free since he’s the problem. This really hit home for us. I’m soooo glad you are letting people know that claiming that over their loved one hurts them and makes them feel like giving up the fight. We have been battling this disorder since Jamie was 7yrs old, thats when it hit like a hurricane and we identified it. He has struggled through suicidal thoughts and even become so violent that we feared for his sisters safety. He is 12 now and we finnally have it leveled out. The only times it seems to show up is in stressfull moments. The worst is when people lable him.
Anyway I just wanted you to know this today’s thought really hit the nail on the head with how we feel too. It is extremely offensive to us too.
This is wrong it is bad enough they have to suffer with the Bi-Polar condition but being told that is what they are not what they have. And if they take their medication correctly there lives are better and more functional. I have lived with somebody who have Bi-Polar and yes we get on a roller coaster sometimes but we work through and get the support that is needed. I appreciate you being there also David Oliver and helping me to understand some of the issues that come with this disease. Thank You Liz
This particular email hit me hard. With NO immediate family support because they believe the issues are caused by me “being” bipolar instead of that bipolar makes the issues I am going through worse.
They do not want to recognize that having bipolar is like having diabetes, I can not be cured.
Yes, as of lately, I have been believing that I am the cause of all the hurt my family accuses me of, none of them want to take responsibility for how they have hurt my children or me. It is hard to move on without the family support.
Hi David,
I understand what you mean when you say that we are not the disease. But I do have bipolar disorder and when I am in an episode I do say I am bipolar. Bipolar isn’t just a disease, it’s something you live with everyday. It’s something that helps to define who you are because every reaction you have, every emotion you feel you wonder if it is really your or your disease that is responding.
I have been diagnosed for about a year and have suffered with symptoms for five years prior to that. I was clinicly depressed as a young teen. It was acutally a relief to be able to say, I am bipolar and sometimes my reactions are not reasonable. Does that mean that I don’t take responsiblity for what I do? Absolutely not! It helps me to analyze and think things through before I react. It helps my husband to get me through when I’m not 100% myself. And if I hurt someone or cause them pain when I am having an episode, I take responsiblity for that and do what I can to make amends. But it is a relief for my loved ones to understand that I am not always myself, sometime I am bipolar.
Thankfully, my medication keeps most of these episodes at bay. It has been months since I’ve had a full blown episode. But I do still have some mood swings. However, recognizing them for what they are has gone a long way toward helping me self-stabilize.
Anyway, to sum it up…sometimes it is okay to say “I am bipolar.” It is part of who I am. It is not a disease like cancer. It will not go into remission and it will never go away.
As usual I think it’s well thought out and articulated article. In my experience however, most people are too insensitive, internally ignorant,externally overwhelmed, media desensitized etc. to understand or act on this subtle difference. My experience entails 30 -40 years of cultivating compassionate communication, self awareness and the human condition in hopes that these would all add up to better interpersonal communication. The fact is that it only, as the article also states, changed me. Only people that choose to undertake the mantle of conscious responsibility in all their actions are able or willing to entertain such subtleties. The effort is always is worth it but unfortunately we tend to end up speaking mostly to the choir. On occasion someone slips through the net of ignorance and everyone counts.
Very good point. I have bipolar disorder and it’s a b–ch!!! I’m not sure my family has any concept. Very disconcerting. I was undiagnosed forever. Then , when I was I was horrified! Now, You have to educate not only yourself but ,your family as well. Seems a mountanous effort.
I very much agree with the thought that we are NOT our disorders, we have things we deal with in our lives, but they are NOT what we are. They are only issues we have to deal with.
I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in ’03 and my boyfriend at the time tried to be very supportive, but he had no idea what MS meant. I remember the most hurtful moment was when he asked me not to pet his dog so much, she was his pride and joy and he was very worried she might catch something from me. (Easy to laugh about it now, but at the time it was very hurtful)
I realize the problem was (and is) lack of education about conditions/disorders, so I must say that writers like David Oliver provide such a wonderful service by giving information and support with words. Something as simple as wording of “having bipolar disorder” versus “is bipolar” seems so small, but it can feel so “not small” when it is an issue you are struggling with .
Thank you David for your helpful words *hugs*
Yet another wonderful column today, Dave. I think it is very important that we not be personified by “having” versus “is.” Thanks again for all of your hard work.
Hello,
I have been labeled bi polar manic depressent by doctors years ago. I was 20 something and now i’m 40 something. None of the meds did i like. So off and on i went and my life has been hell. I’m now on seriquil not quite spelled like that but you konw what it is. Well i don’t like this med either but i can fall asleep atleast and wake up feeling like crap. I hate having to take meds every day but i hate the feelings i still have even more. I’m ok for a few days hours minutes and then wham. I hate my job, myself, my life ! But this is my life and i would like to end it but i don’t want to spend eturnity in hell ! People don’t understand or know what i go though. For the longest time i had no partner, girl friend or friends cause of my self worthlessness. My life is still not so good but i guess it’s better the being dead !
Peace to all !
Having been diagnosed (erroneously) as either “schizophrenic,” “manic depressive,” and, FINALLY “bipolar,” I understand how delicate the wording of the disorder can be. Unfortunately, even with the greater percentage of the populaton who HAVE bipolar disorder, there is still a MASSIVE stigma associated with anything labeled a “mental illness.” Perhaps in a more enlightened world, there will be no distinction between “normal,” and “stabilized bipolar” people. I am going through a VERY stressful time right now (having sold my condo on my own, and moving into a basement apartment just the first of the month), and find my reactions to stimuli to be “nerve-wracking” at best. In the past, I have found that I can weather a crisis while I’m going through it; it’s just that AFTER all the hoopla is over, the hypermania creeps in, throwing my life for a loop into a full-blown manic episode. So far…so good. I feel now that I have the maturity, experience, and wisdom to recognize the triggers that might cause me to go into hypermania. My last hospitalization for mania was in 1977, so I’ve learned a few things since then. I’m retired on Social Security Disability since 1991, so there is NO question that I AM “bipolar.” Although I’m NOT a “poster child” for bipolar disorder, I feel I can present a pretty good example of how to “maintain” stability through many crises. I thoroughly agree with Dave’s newsletter today…anyone who follows his “treatment plan” can, and will, become “stable” once they are educated on how to manage their own individual disorder. Thank you, Dave, for another inspiring article…I agree that I HAVE bipolar disorder…I am NOT bipolar!!!
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I continue to pray for my country.
Dave, Thanks for that! You’re spot on!!
I tried fr over 11 yrs to get along and help my bi-polar ex and mother of my 6 yr old. WHEN do we draw the line? after she steals, 10000, after a lit cig on my face or the countless times she kicked me out of the car miles after i paid for a 4 star getaway… jail at least 3 times… and my daughter has to be around this daily..
i was full of hope and dreams cause i am posivity.. but now… i feeel defeated..
I like what you wrote but the fact remains alot of people are very uneducated about bipolar disorder so to refer to someone as the disorder i can only chalk up to lack of education. I have Bipolar disorder,and yes people talk to me and treat me different,Until I educate them to the best of my ability. I still seek education and I have suffered for over 19 years and 5 marriages with this thing we call Bipolar. For me it sucks,but Im still trying to gain insight,and not let it get the best of me.
Okay, IGNORANCE is our greatest threat. For now, the future and the next generations to come.
I have bipolar. It is a diagnosis, it’s not ME. I don’t walk up to people I’m meeting and say; “Hi, I’m Bipolar, how are you, nice to meet you.” No. “Hi, I’m Brenda, nice to meet you.”
I don’t get it. If a person we loved had cancer or diabetes or heart disease, do we look at them the way people look at mental illness? Now THAT is crazy!
There needs to be MORE and MORE educationfor people who have a loved one with this disorder/disease, because it NEVER goes away! It can be managed with meds or holistic treatment. I just can’t stand that society has made mental illness as something that should be shunned. The stigma is a disgrace to all humans with or without mental illness and will continue to do so unless they become more aware and take the “blinders” off!!! Brenda from Beaver Dam, WI
I always say that my daughter has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
I fully agree with what you say, and your sentiment. I think your point is more a sign of the times and how ‘loosely’ words are put together and sentences constructed. It would appear that the term Bi- polar is viewed in the same way as the term Depression, so to say somebody ‘is’ depressed is correct, in describing somebody who is suffering from depression. It seems to follow that without much thought about what is being said somebody may say ‘somebody is bi-polar,’ which as you rightly point out is completely wrong.
Thanks for all your regular post’s, I find these very informative and helpful.
Regards,
Mark
UK
This is a little off subject but here is the website to an interesting new development in monitoring the brain:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/newimplantsmoldtobrainlikeshrinkwrap