my x would not go to a therapist when he was diagnosed with bipolar and when a dr. suggested it he threatened to leave their office and find someone who would …he did not his work to find out…and since the divorce he has told our children that he never had it he had anxiety because of living with me..so now he takes no medication for it at all.the reason he went to see about it at all was when our kids were very little we had gone to an event and he was acting so violent over nothing that i told him he’d better find out what was going on or i was going to take the kids and leave him it was a bad environment for them to be in . without therapy he didnt understand what he was doing or anything about being bipolar so because i didnt want his episodes to be taken out on small children i stayed he then was taking his medication. prozac when i told the dr it wasnt working she spoke to him and said it was great she then told me to help myself he wasnt interested in being helped and you cant make someone want to help themselves so i did..i went to therapy which helped me realize many things..for years i felt i had lost my identity i was very confused being blamed for so many things in the relationship it was always me to a point of brain washing that i beleived it was ..i believed i was stupid when i tried to better myself by reading , watching adult educational programs he didnt want to talk to me i was boring …..i developed post traumatic stress syndrome in a way to protect myself i had anxiety attacks i was trying to be a good mom and protect the kids thru every one of his episodes we would leave the house when i saw them coming things always got broken , huge things sometimes furniture would come flying down the stairs at us and when i would get back home i wouldnt know what we would walk into ……it is devastating to find huge boxes of clothes all down the stairs , drawers in the kitchen pulled out and things thrown all over the kitchen he would scream i was a pig and say to the kids its your mothers fault ..it was a very rough time 25 year to be exact ..the screaming and the tears he would spit at me in front of the kids ,pinned me up against the wall in front of our youngest who was 8 at the time …i never wanted them to have to be alone with him i was afraid that he would take it out on them and they would be alone….when my son was a baby i had to leave him once and found out years later my x was joking and said the baby kept crying so he shook the crib that’s how the leg was broken must have been some shaking….he was a control maniac he would put a dot on the thermostat and tell me the heat could not be raised past that point….we would be sooo cold as he stayed upstairs in his insulated underwear under the blankets…when he would go out of town i moved it up and when he was coming home i changed it back always in fear he would catch me by coming home early… when out of town he would call 12+ times a day to see if we were there , if we had done the things he had requested we do and to find out if we had gotten in the pool….on weekends he would turn off the air conditioning to force us into the pool to get cooled off. at the end before i filed he took the money by direct depositing his paychecks into his own account i would be given very little money for during the week when he would go out of town and we had no access to getting more. if the kids needed money for school they had to wait ….schools need the money within the week for field trips they dont wait forever. he took my camera without telling me that i needed for work and then told me i was so stupid i must of lost it…i bought another one to have my son find it in his fathers drawer he knew where it was he had taken it…. oh he had forgotten.watched me frantically looking for it knowing where it was ..i could go on and on now he doesnt take medication at all before taking it he told me he had thought about passing a car in front of him as a truck was coming to end it he heard voices ….i said that would have been horrible for the others involved! i could just imagine a family going somewhere for the day with kids in the backseat and the devastation because he decided to end it why take them with him.with the prozac that went away and he was able to enjoy things but found he didnt have that controlling edge so on weekends he wouldnt take them i checked the pills to be certain he didnt take them on weekends during the week he did so he could function for work but wanted to feel as cruel and aggitated as he could for us to keep us in line…he used to tell the kids if he didnt keep at me i wouldnt do what he wanted….we were hostages in our own home , the neighbors knew so their kids couldnt come over to play…they could hear the crazy yelling from the upstairs windows or the loud music …the kids as teens didnt play loud music they couldnt compete ..our daughter had asthma attacks for 3 years she had just gotten over them and he decided to start smoking huge cigars in the house because it was his house i guess he even thought he owned and controlled our oxygen supply…..decided to take motorcycle lessons on money we needed..gonna buy a harley and if i wouldnt ride with him he’d find someone who would……if he found we liked something it stopped..bought all kinds of bowling equipment gonna bowl the kids loved it and never went again unless i took them.gonna shoot got the air guns one was 500.00 we didnt have got everything that went with it forced our son to shoot with him and within a month was sick of it hundreds of dollars wasted… he would pick fights with the neighbor guy and be happy he almost had to hit him but the guy backed down. it had just gotten to the point that i couldnt deal with it anymore as i supported i was being controlled he saw it as weakness ,i loved him and he used it against me…..the kids got older and could chose whether they wanted to go for visitations and i filed for divorce 25 years of you name it abuse he used it ,of being controlled so long i forgot who i was …..he controlled the heat , he controlled the air, tv time he would act up if we were watching something , the money everything we had no lives …and now strangely enough i miss the hidden nice guy the caring one we didnt see very often but it was time to leave now our lives are peaceful it is soooo nice not to be controlled we sit in the living room and are in awe of how quiet it is we wake up on weekends when we want to ..i used to hate to get up the kids and i slept on mattress’ while his had a huge bed duel control l,000 mattress we didnt have beds for years i fixed them up but we slept on the floor….i would hear his voice in the morning and dread the day in fact i would wait till he went to the y to get up…..he would control my shower changing the water temp saying we took to long and to hot showers…..i had always been a morning person and was confused by how i hated mornings since we’ve been away i love mornings it is again for me the best time of the day he even slowly took that from me….things are tougher now with money but we are sooooom much happier i think you have to know when its time to leave and for us it was time to go.

DAVE, what you say about supporters today really hits home. I’m not normally on the computer in the daytime, but I only just got up after a terrible night.

The story from the beginning: Over a couple of weeks up to Easter my boyfriend was in a sort of hypomanic state (I think), sleeping almost not at all, doing lots and lots of creative work and spending quality time with me. Since I have known him (just over a year now) he has always been taking his medicine every day. He doesn’t do computers himself, but I have often passed some of your valuable information on to him and he was interested.

Easter weekend we had the most wonderful fun time together, although he seemed to be starting an episode. He told me he loved me a million times and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, etc. He even “appointed” me as his new therapist. Then he dropped the bombshell! He had stopped taking his meds “just to try and see what happens without.” When I advised him to go back on, he told me off for being “bossy and nagging him.” He said I should stop preaching “clever stuff from the internet” to him. I let him be, just hoped and prayed that he would sort himself before he would crash.

I didn’t see him for a couple of days. Then when I met him he was full of anger and rage, said he hated everyone, the way people are, etc. He was so angry with the world and he didn’t look well. But he said he was going to the doctor that same afternoon.

It seemed to be slowly turning around then. When I saw him yesterday, he was still a bit angry and “down”. He said he loved me and had missed me and was going to come over to my place tonight (last night). So last night I waited and waited, texted him twice and he replied “yes, he was definitely coming over.” I waited another hour (we started our summertime last night and lost an hour)and when I got no reply to my text I phoned him. He was terribly drunk and sounded very unhappy. I said I had been looking forward to seeing him and was disappointed. He said he was p***ed off with life and everyone hates him, etc. He didn’t want to go on like this, nobody would miss him, etc. I said I would and also his dog needs him and would certainly be lost without him. Then he told me to f*** off, that I was as bad as all the others and he wanted nothing more to do with me, and switched the phone off.

I spent a whole hour crying after that and I’m still crying as I write this. I am so worried! I love him so much.

I know he didn’t mean a thing he said last night. It was all the drink talking and the bipolar meds mixed with the drink. He had upset me a couple of times before, when he disappeared for days and didn’t want to know anyone. But never quite like this. Then again, he had never stopped taking his meds before and never had so much to drink.

Just don’t know what to do now. As I have mentioned several times before, about 18 months ago he was in the psych ward for a whole month and he still blames his ex-girlfriend for it. I don’t want to get him into any sort of trouble like that. I wouldn’t have the authority to speak to his doctor about it and still can’t see how she had it. I feel so powerless, though and if I sit back and do nothing and he harms himself I could never forgive myself. I can only hope his dog will prevent him from harming himself – he adores that dog. You’re the only people I can talk to about this in detail and hope you have some advice for me. Sorry this post turned out such an epic.

Hi Dave,
I believe a supporter is very important, I try very hard to not let the bipo sneek up and one thing will have me do a dive. It is your emails that help, it is a constant reminder which helps me. Not having a supporter close though scares me. What if I do not check the emails and I get stressed over some outside factor the bipo would not let me go to the computer and check I already know, it is slick.
Take care,
Karen

You are so right. In many cases it takes years to get diagnosed. I was very lucky with my 8year old. I am her Grandmother. She had issues at school. Issues at home. Issues from he moms history, that led to violence and murder. and the history from her father to include Bipolar Disorder and ADHD. I am ever thankful for the help I have received from the MD psychologist. Her Behavior Management Psyc., and the school councelor and teachers. She is a very bright child. Now able to focus on life and be less controled by her constant mood swings. Self esteem issues still need work. But BPD will be with her long after I am not. What she learns now will be valuable to her in the future. You have helped me to ask the right questions of doctors and to be very involved in all that concerns her where doctors and child guidance is concerned. I truly do wish I could afford the whole course. Sadly, my income will not allow for more than I am paying currently. Thank You for the information. I am sure we are on the right track with Mikala. She is able to get her work done, Stay in class. No uncontroled rage for 3 months. Can complete her work on time with the rest of the class. I won’t say that her mood is always even. But the bad moods are shorter and some of them are just her. The sad moods are less intense. Much has been accomplished. The difference between her on medication and her not on medication is equal to night and day. Her teachers are amazed. It takes a village and then some to raise a BPD child and thanks to you and many others I Have People.

Dave,
I have been a supporter of my loved one, without diagnoses, every last time.But in certain way it work.Actually I am figuring out what was happened, when I read what Susandrn say ( reference to a psychiatry of Maio Clinic). The problem of to be medicated with antidepressants all time and after all a medicine to BP (sertraline) give right.Graham expresses my doubts about diagnosis when say: ” it can take a great deal of obervation over a period of time for a professional to make a diagnosis__and if they don”t see you very often…Lilian P.

Can anybody help, please? I am seriously worried about my boyfriend and that he might harm himself, after what he did and said last night. I sent him a text earlier tonight, saying that I care about him. If he wants to be on his own for a while I accept that and if he needs a friend I will always be there for him. Of course I got no reply, didn’t really expect one. I just hope he is ok. All these thoughts keep whirling around in my head. Is he drinking again? Is he in hospital? Is he dead? Is he catching up on lost sleep and wake up feeling better? I hope and pray it’s only the last option. Anyone who has been in this sort of situation, what did you do? Any advice will be appreciated.

Dear Dave – I MUST commend you on one of your most well-written and clear emails I have read on your site. There were NO typos, and every sentence had clarity and believability. I KNOW this one helped not only the bipolar survivors, but their supporters as well. I actually ENJOYED this one more than most – keep up the GOOD work!!

Although I wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar at 20, I was hospitalized with classic manic tendencies. At that time (1968) they called it “schizophrenia,” and I had a label for what I was going through. Because I was manic, I also felt the “denial” that most of us feel when our minds play tricks on us and we are diagnosed for the first time with a “mental illness.” This not only changes the way other people look at us – the stigma, etc. – but the way we look at ourselves. “Surely, I can’t be mentally ill; I’m just smarter than the doctors.” It took about 7 months of in-patient treatment for me to become stable.

A LOT happened in 1969 – my Dad died of a sudden heart attack at 63we moved across the country, and I was hypomanic. Although I recognized some of the same symptomatology that I had with my first “nervous breakdown,” I believed, in my heart, that my delusions were TRUE. By the time 1970 rolled around, I was hospitalized again, but there was no further diagnosis. It took 6 months to regain my stability.

In l977, I went through another hypomania that led to mania. At that time, I was hospitalized, and finally given the diagnosis of manic depression. When my doctor told me this in his private office, I had HEARD of this mental illness, but became sooo afraid that I would NEVER recover. I was “stuck” with my diagnosis. And my only supporter – my Mother-did not believe in my being a mani-ac. I was put on Lithium and Haldol, but because of the side effects and my need to have my blood tested often – I just went off my meds altogether.

In 2000, my psychiatrist finally gave me the diagnosis of “bipolar disorder.” I had heard of THIS mental illness, too, and really WANTED to beat it this time. When I started to get neuropathy in both legs, they took me off of Lithium (which I went back on in 1984) and put me on Depakote.

YES – there IS denial, because a bipolar DOESN’T want to be considered a “mental patient.” YES- there is GRIEF, because our old life is completely GONE.

As you said, a strict treatment plan has to be put in order. I take my meds religiously, am getting more sleep, see my shrink and therapist regularly, and cut down on my stressors/triggers. It has been 40 years since I’ve been a “mental patient,” and 31 years since I was hospitalized for the last time (hopefully).

Like I said before – bipolar disorder does NOT have to be a DEATH sentence; it is a LIFE sentence if we follow the new directions in our lives and try to simplify them.

BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. Please pray for Susan while she is going through a VERY rough time. And save a little prayer for me, as I face perhaps the most stressful time in my life, financially, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Thank you:)

Dear Dave
Thank you for your wonderful service to all BP sufferers and supporters!!Your info really has helped us understand a lot more about this illness and given us hope and a new positive outlook for the future. my youngest sister was recently diagnosed thank goodness for a bright dr!She is 32 and has lived a very stormy life up to now!I am grateful that we now know what is wrong with her and can help her overcome and live with her as she calls it ‘little bi- bear’ At first I thought whats the use we cant afford any of your books or booklets (living in South Africa and the rand/dollar rates just makes it impossible at the moment) and then came your e-mails and wallah…there is hope and knowledge and understanding…thank you so much once again!! I now look forward to every line you write and am sure we will conquer whatever comes our way! I am so glad my sister is being treated and has accepted her illness although I know it is not easy for her. But I admire her will to overcome and the strength she has displayed and the courage to face every day in spite of all her set backs and everything she has gone through without anyone ever knowing what she was really feeling with this BP enemy in her mind and body!! She is feeling much better lately but we know the battle is on and there will be set backs but at least we are armored to face it!! Keep up the good work and that goes to all fighting the same daily battle!
Best regards
JeanetteSA

The waiting for an answer to what is happening to your loved one is torture. My husband is in denial. I really hoped we could face this together but he is gone and now I am beginning to think it is for the best. I met him when we were only 16 and when he was 18 he began showing symptoms of bipolar that I have only now because of therapy for myself and education now recognize. At the time I just figured he was just showing anger like any kind of teenage boy would. I also knew he was coming from an abusive and alcoholic father and that had to have a huge impact on his behavior. When we first met he was closed off and angry but tried going to alateen meetings. He was mostly depressed. Then the sleeping around started and smashing things and having “accidents” that could have really hurt me but somehow at the last second didn’t. Things seems to calm down between the ages of 19 and 20 only to start up again in the form of verbal put downs towards me. He also began punching holes in walls. He began to start projects with big plans and then got angry and left them unfinished. I just made excuses about his lack of sleep being a cause since the worked nights. Things calmed down again for a few years but we moved around and now I can see it was because of his need for excitement and trying to do things to make himself happy. He started going to alanon and things calmed down again. Then he slept with a prostitute and was crying and begged for help. By now he was 26. He began therapy for the first time and was given some anger management tools but when the therapist began to dig deeper my husband walked away. We had a new baby and he seemed ok. He wasn’t yelling or angry and I let it go. I want to kick myself for not asking him to go back. I did try a little but I never pushed it. I didn’t even realize that by then I had stopped pushing for anything because I wa afraid of his reactions. Melissa mentioned some things in her post that sounded so much like what happened to me and my husband. I think she had it worse than me. I still have small kids at home and his leaving hasn’t helped but things are getting worse. We are still the ones being abused and no one sees it. The only peace we have is when we turn the phone off. He tells the kids he has never had bipolar I only say so out of revenge. That he was just depressed because of me. He also stopped taking his medications. No he is using money to deprive the kids of their basic needs and has even stolen from them. Through it all I am the controlling one and I am the one trying to hurt him. I am still not in the place I need to be of not worrying about him or caring for him. I get angry about things he does, especially when I see the kids hurt or crying. He has been court ordered to see his pdoc who he began seeing almost a year ago but stopped seeing last october. He is now 35 and it is still a work in progress. I am still waiting for a good diagnoses. Other than just bipolar. What kind? What medications will work for him now?Zoloft didn’t work even after it was increased, effexor seemed to trigger mania. Seroquel made him sleepy and he flat our refused to take the lithium he was perscribed. It was the denial. He drank the whole time he was taking his meds and I didn’t even think about how it would affect him. I was so ignorant. I have learned a lot but it almost seems wasted now he is gone and never coming back. I was in denial too. Now I am in denial hoping he will come home.

salohcin,
I agree with most of your post but would qualify or disagree on two points:

First, sometimes intervening when someone threatens suicide can destroy trust between you, as counsellor or supporter, and the person who is threatening to ill themselves or even attempts it. If you call in “the authorities” or some others, then you may effectively eliminate yourself as a confidante of the other. But you may be their ONLY confidante! So, if they decide not to do anything, or even if they survive an attempt, they may be left without anyone they can talk with about their feelings. Yes, it is a high risk strategy when you don’t alert anyone because the worst just might happen. However, if that does happen it is never the fault of the supporter. It is entirely the decision of the person to does the suicide. It may not be a rational decision, but it is theirs nonetheless, not – never – yours. So, if it happens, you should feel no guilt

Second point, you say “If you text him and he doesn’t reply and has you worried out of your mind,HE HAS NO REPECT FOR YOU.” Given this persons state of mind you are probably very wrong in making this assumption! What you (and other Supporters) must realise is this: When someone is in a state of depression, or a mixed episode, they often do not want to be near anyone. It isn’t personal, it isn’t a lack of respect. It is their way of dealing with some of the anxiety they are feeling. Being with people, contacting/communicating with people causes anxiety because they (we!) often cannot handle the added emotional pressures that this kind of contact requires. There is always an emotional investment when ever we speak with someone. So, when your emotions are in turmoil, such an “investment” is often just too much to bare.

But when people who are hypo or in mania push you a way, it may well be that they are dissatisfied with the relationship between you and them. This might be a “normal” dissatisfaction, or it maybe a BP induced one, which is usually the case when those with BP starting running about having sex with anyone with two legs (may be four if s/he is a farmer!) and the right kind of sexual organ! But when they come down, the reality of what they have been doing under the influence of the BP hits hard.