Hi,
How’s it going? Today I wanted to write about
something that I have really ever written about
but I find it fairly disturbing.
The other day I was talking to someone who
filled out one of my F.REE consultation
certificates for non medical and non legal
questions because I am NOT a doctor, lawyer,
therapist, etc.
Anyway, this person basically wanted to know
two things.
1. Why his son was sleeping so much in the day
and would be up all night.
2. How he could get his son to start working
right away.
First, I explained to him that I was not a doctor
BUT, I asked him if he informed the doctor about
his son’s condition. He said, “Umm. Well no not really.”
So I highly, and I mean highly recommended that he
contact the doctor and let him/her know EXACTLY
what he was seeing with his son. From a to z and
don’t hide, sugar coat or mask anything.
NOTE-I am really surprised the number of people
that see that something is wrong and don’t
report it to the doctor. I just can’t understand
why people do this. It doesn’t make sense. If
you see ANYTHING that is not “normal” or
doesn’t make sense with either yourself or your
loved one with bipolar disorder, you must report
it.
Doctors are NOT psychics and can’t know things
without you telling them.
Okay so anyway, back the story. So the guy says
okay I can do that and that makes sense. I tell
him that he needs to ask the doctor exactly
how they would like to receive this information
via email, fax, voicemails, etc.
The guy says okay.
Then he said well what about working and bipolar
disorder. I said what do you mean? He said well
he won’t work. I said you mean your son? He said
yes.
I was shocked.
Do you know why? Take a wild guess and then
scroll down for the answer….
SCROLL DOWN
How can you expect someone with bipolar disorder
to work if he is not stable? How does this make any
sense whatsoever? I asked this person this simple
question he said.
Well I need him to start making some money
because he hasn’t made any. I was thinking in my
head, “Well I need a lot of stuff but that doesn’t
mean I am going to get it.”
So I explained to this particular gentleman that
his son has bipolar disorder and is not stable.
Step 1 is to get him stable. After he is stable,
then we can look into things like employment. But
first things first. We have to get him stable.
I then said to him. Imagine how “crazy” it would
be if you asked a stroke victim who just had a stroke
to start working right away. I said to him, “People
would like you were out of your mind.” I said,
you are asking the same type of thing.
I then went on to say, “it seems you don’t think
bipolar disorder is a real condition and is serious
because if you did, you wouldn’t expect your son
to work right away even though he is not stable.”
I then went on to add, would it be fair for your
son to apply for jobs even though he wasn’t stable?
He said, “well the people probably wouldn’t know
at first anyway?” I said, well is that fair? Of
course it’s not fair.
I then told the person he needs a sort of bipolar
supporter mind cleanse and he is way off track.
I told him that I was going to outline what I thought
he needs to do.
I told him.
1. Focus on getting your son stable.
2. Work with the doctor and inform him of your son’s
signs and symptoms.
3. Assume that it’s going to take months for your son
be stable. If it takes less time great but assume longer
than shorter so you don’t get disappointed.
4. Reread what bipolar disorder is and study it carefully.
5. Sell yourself that bipolar disorder is a real illness
and you can’t push an unstable person too hard because
that’s not fair.
6. After your son is stable, look into part time employment
after the doctor/therapist agree it’s okay.
7. If you need money immediately, cut your expenses and/or
increase your income but don’t put pressure on your son
who is not well.
8. Treat your son the same way you would treat a cancer patient
or stroke victim who are in recovery. Meaning if a cancer patient
was in recovery, you wouldn’t expect them to work and make a
fortune right away would you? He said no.
Then I let the person go because I had to run. I must say
I get a lot of calls from people wanting their loved one
to start working right away. I find this disturbing.
How the heck can you expect someone to work when he/she
is not stable? That makes no sense.
When my mom was sick, my brother never wanted my mom
to work BUT he would make comments and jokes about how
she wasn’t working. I didn’t even bother to argue with
him because the stuff he was saying was so stupid it
was not even worth commenting on.
Here’s the thing. You have to help a person become stable
first before you have them employed. If you don’t you
will wind up costing yourself more money in the long
run. For example, if you get a person a job who is
not stable they will probably get worse anyway which
will wind up costing more in medical costs, medication
costs and psychological costs on you and if you start
to depend on the income they are making it will be
gone and that will be a problem for you.
So don’t do it. And give a person with bipolar disorder
who is not stable a break. It’s not fair to put a ton
of pressure on them. If you need money, look to other
ways to get it. Like I said, cut your expenses,
increase your income, etc. There’s more than one
way to skin a cat so to speak as the old saying
goes.
In my courses/systems, nobody went into an episode
and could start working right away. It was a
gradual process. It takes time. I think after 9 months
or so my mom could work part time. BUT part time.
If you check out my interview in my courses/systems
you’ll see what I mean.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
Well I have to take off for today. I hope you really
think about this email because it’s important.
Have a great day and I will catch you tomorrow.
Your Friend,
Dave
P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com
I am a spouse of someone with BP. Aug 14, 2006 is when our worlds came crashing down. We had just moved into our NEW home that took both our incomes to afford. I had to call the police and have him involuntarily committed (he was in a very dangerous state) NO ONE knew what was wrong with him. Thru the 11 days he was there – – they figured out he has BP. So he was out of work for several months – UNEMPLOYED. Well turns out he signed up for all these credit cards(during unemployment) and within 3-4 months out of the hospital he rang up $8,000 in credit card debt. Can I remind you that we just purchased a home that requires 2 incomes? To this day he works a job 1 week, 2 weeks, longest has been 6 weeks and then he just quits. He is doing better now then ever before on his meds. We have 2 children – whom I have to take care of, a home to pay for, these bills HE created, and the regular monthly bills that go along with owning a home. We drive old clunker cars because I cannot afford a car payment. I know this is coming off on a sour note and I really don’t mean it to be. But I CANNOT DO IT ALL BY MYSELF. HE HAS TO WORK – HE HAS TO PAY FOR HIS BILLS. Reduce expenses – – HOW? We have no debt other than the house and his cards. (Don’t say move as this is our 3rd move in 2 years and due to the husband’s BP -the area I feel comfortable letting my kids walk to and from school, to the grocery, and get around when I am unable to drive them.) Increase income – easier WAY easier said then done. If I get a 2nd job – – who then takes care of the kids? Who cooks, who cleans, who gives them a sense of normalcy? We moved out of state so I can have a BETTER paying job and we have NO ONE repeat NO ONE around to help. I am afraid I am going to have a heart attack or stroke out THEN where does that leave my husband? my children? He’s been approved by the dr to work part time – he just can’t/won’t keep a job.
I have three adult children using different drugs and their behavior indicate bipolar symptoms too. How to distinguish those two problems?
They don’t have insurance!
vivian
Hi Dave
I thought what you said in todays email made alot of sence. I have
a daughter with biploar and having the most difficult time of my life. I always try to remember that she is not medicated and I have not been able to get her to see a Doctor again. Sometimes I am angry that she doesnt want to help herself but I know she is ill and no as you stated, she must be stable with medcation and seeing her Doctor to even work on her other problems. Thanks for all the emails they have helped alot.
Dave,
I’m glad someone FINALLY said exactly what you did in this email. People don’t understand. All I get is the blank stares when someone says “Why do you work two jobs? Doesn’t your husband work?” When I say No – he’s under mental stress, the blank stare gets worse – the questions come; then I feel the need to educate them on mental illness and Bipolar. The stares get EVEN worse. You can just about read their minds “OH she’s married to a LOSER!” My husband by NO MEANS is a loser, he’s just has a mental illness that was diagnosed just a year ago. By the way he’s doing GREAT with his med’s and therapist.(He is also a Borderline patient as well).
It takes a lot of patience to deal with people that just don’t want to hear it – so that they can think whatever they want to about a person or persons for that matter. (I’ve been put in the “Saint” to “loser” and everything in between by a lot of misinformed people. I’ve printed your email and will carry this for “fact finder” necessity when I run across some of the non-believers in mental illness…wait til it hits someone they love; they may change their tunes. 🙂
Have a GREAT day!
Dave..A Very common problem & perception..and I couldn’t agree w/you more..but may I add..speaking from my own disorder and my 21 year old daughter’s also…BP sufferers untreated, or improperly medicated and supported CANNOT THINK STRAIGHT..like ‘normals’..cannot prioritize, select appropriate choices, and most often cannot follow thru on the simplest projects..our minds RACE and we cannot catch up to review what we are actually THINKING ABOUT, and by the time we latch onto a thought a thousand more are racing in and swirling around it so we still cannot think!..so “A JOB” is a ridiculous expectation in this case…this father would do well to lay off even thinking about commenting to his son…it could drive his son into such a tailspin that SUICIDE looks like a very good option (Believe me..I have been there many times)!!!!!! Seriously concerned for the son! Dawn
Dave each time I try to leave a comment I have to leave a comment I have to reregister. To date cause me to quit two jobs. Iam retired as a peace officer of 20 years. My BP Iam sure caused me problems on the job and prevented a promotion. My wife died 2 months after quiting one of a heart condition. Iam sure that the stress I caused by quiting work
Dave PS also I ened up in jail for 6 months for mistreating my wife All becuse I had no knowledge of my BP
HIya DAve I Have SUCCEESS !!!!!
How are you feeling today since you have finaly moved? Well you may not remember but i had a tough time with my partner anf finally I got him into see my own Dr and he was a darling. He listens to him and is disgusted that the social are trying to force him to work, yep that’s right WORK!!! Unbelievable anyway He has finally got some sleeping pills whilst waiting to see a psychitrist and a really nice lady from he social is also disgusted by his social medical examiners way of treating him, when he told her what is wrong with him in detail luckily she ssays her son suffers the same problem and asks what is Bipolar so he explained and her reply is DON’T give up and make sure you get the right help. He came home that day after 2 stressfull weeks and trauma sending triigers off everyday to having a smile on his face all because 2 important people treated him (a good Dr and a social security lady)with respect. I am soooooo proud of him this week for perservering despite feeling very volatile. She even gave him forms for his right to disability as his severe learning difficulties (dyslexia +s)disallows his ability to work (technical computerised world todays)I am just so happy after 40 years of suffering silently my support has given him the courage despite the pain I was put through to get there, to get best help as I believe you have to speak a certain way to get that help (they can’t read minds I said just tell them everything you can). He is more settled than I have ever seen him in doing this and I believe a good supporter makes a difference too because he is sick and I love him no matter what despite the hard work it has put on me. He realises this and does not want to lose me and so is willing knowing my non judging nature that getting help makes no difference but for the better of his life YAYYYYY!!! THat’s all Folks!!!
I have a 23 yr old daughter with BP. I have a hard time trying to keep her on her meds and stable. During her most recent episode she was arrested for allegedly trying to kidnap a neighbors baby.My daughter told the detective who investigated the case that she heard the baby crying and went into the house to help it. She say the mother boiling water and thought the mother was going to harm the baby. she did not get out of the house with the child. She put the child down when the mother told her too and left. she was arrested about an hour later. The detective who questioned her did not believe she needed to be prosecuted but the D.A has filed felony kidnaping charges on her. She has been in jail since May and is recieveing thorzine instead of her correct medications. She is getting no help in jail.She has been diagosed by the federal government and is recieving SSDI, the state took her son because she was to ill to care for him (thats another whole story)and a private Dr. has diagnosed her since she has been in jail. Her lawyer and i both spoke with the DA to try and get her committed to a clinic where they can stabilize her and work with her but the DA wont budge. her lawyer is a public defender and doing the best she can. For the two days preceeding the incident i tried to get help from several agencys including the police. No one did anything.I know everyone has bad times with their BP family member and I dont expect anyone to have all the answers. I just needed a place to vent my frustration with the system we have in this country for dealing with mentally ill people. Please keep us in your prayers. Thank you for listening Barbara
Hi Dave
I´m a supporter of a 20 years old doughter , who was diagnosed bipolar 2 months ago . We live alone in a small town in Brasil ; i´m a widow , since she has 2 years old and i tried to rise her up with all love and good care , but now i´m so scared because i don´t know what to expect for her future … She just started the law school , when the illness blows .Because of that , she lost this year and she is terrible frustrated , thinking that she will never be able to be a lawyer.She isn´t stable yet . Every day we have a strugle with the meds , changing doses , changing substances …But she don´t gives up the school , she´s trying to continue , but i don´t have any idea when or if she will work some day in the future …
Hi Dave,
I’m Jamie, recently diagnosed as bipolar. am I “stable”? I don’t know. But I don’t have a choice but to have a job, how am I going to feed my daughter and pay the bills? I admit that I DO let some bills go SOMETIMES, when I can’t seem to make myself write the check. It’s so stupid, but I still make myself go to work everyday. Even when I can’t even make my self shower. Sad right? I’m trying to go to the doctor, but it IS expensive and I’ve had some bad reactions to the different medication. Lithium for one, makes an awful taste in my mouth and I can’t eat. (I lost weight that way though) So where am I going with this post? I’m not sure, I work. I guess that’s it. I work everyday, even when I’m so happy with life that I can barely breath. Even when I’m so sad, I don’t understand why God even lets me live. I mean, work is one of those things you have to do when you turn 18, it’s like blinking.
my wife is bipolar and what you said makes sense. i need to get her some help. I was told by my mother-in-law who is also bipolar that she cant work since she is bipolar. i mean she said she wont be able to work ever agian stable or not, so she and her 14yearold son who is by the way also bipolar are on SSI. i think she is just trying to be lazy.
Hi Dave; I also have BiPolar I. My doctor and I both agree that I should NOT work. My doctor considers me to be pretty stable, I don’t consider myself to be real stable. The longest job that I had was 4 years. The shortest job was 3 days. Life’s regular stresses can send me into mini episodes. You can’t ask or pressure someone that is unstable to do something that they don’t don’t want to do. You can’t pressure someone who is stable to do something that they really don’t want to do. Anything can trigger a mini episode, even when a person is stable.
Dave, First of all your newsletters, etc. are very helpful, especially for Bipolar supporters. But, I think you seem to be overlooking one thing: what if the person is Undiagnosed?? I’m sure you are well aware that many people with this condition Do Not think that there is anything “wrong” with them, so it is highly unlikely they will go to a doctor. So, they remain unstable and unemployable.
It’s very sad, but you can’t assume that all people with Bipolar (or depression or alcoholism) are diagnosed and voluntarily seeking help. It leaves me with the feeling – when I read your reply to the father that said, “My son doesn’t work and he’s up all night” – that there’s not much hope for the lost souls who think they are “OK”, and the family members who wish they knew how to help them.
I am Bipolar and I can understand.I cannot work I stay tired all the time.I have told my doctor but he does nothing.I tried to work I got the perfect job and I could not follow through with it which made me feel more of a failure than before.I was taking Seroquel and it caused Tardive Dyskinesia and I tried to get him to take me off of it and he wouldn’t I am kind of going into a depression I tried to get a Lawyer to help me where my doctors assistant put me on Seroquel a Lithium and caused all these problems and they would not any of them help me one of the Lawyers assistants went as far as to tell me that since I was seeing a psychiatrist that know one would believe me because they would assume I was crazy.I even had the neurologist reports and everything and eyewitnesses to what I was like when I came out of the hospital.
I am SO sick of the excuses made for people with bipolar. I work with a DVM who has bipolar. When she is yanking things out of my hands and yelling at me in front of co-workers is that ok? When I went to the director of the hospital to talk about it, he told me I needed to try and understand because she has a mental disease. My response to that was, I had spinal surgery I can’t lift your 40 lb bags of dog food am I going to get away with that? He said, well no. Exactly the comment I thought he would make. I also have a sister who has bipolar and thinks she can say and treat people any way she wants to. I forgot, She has bipolar, she can’t help it. I think I will vomit if I hear that again.”They have bipolar they can’t help it” What about the people in the world that don’t have it, do we get the same understanding they get when we have a bad day and say something that hurts a co-worker or a family member? I THINK NOT!