=>PLEASE FORWARD TO FRIENDS, FAMILY AND LOVED ONES <=
Hi,
How’s it going? I hope you had a great
Easter if you celebrate it.
I didn’t do much. I actually went over
to my mom and dad’s house to eat.
I didn’t eat to much because I am
lowering my body fat so there are many
things that I can’t eat right now.
So know chocolate for me.
Oh and another thing. I am actually
thinking about volunteering in another
organization. It’s an organization that visits
people in the worst possible psychiatric institutions.
People who get no visitors. People who never will
be released probably. People who really have
severe mental illness. I am not talking about bipolar
disorder. Illnesses there really aren’t ways to manage
it. Illnesses with no real name.
My accountant says that I don’t have time for this
kind of stuff. He is kind of down on the entire mental
health thing. He says that I need to work hard in
things that maximize roi and in his mind that’s
not mental health it’s my other businesses.
I don’t agree with him but his job is to look out
for me.
Anyway, I am pretty sure that I am going to
start volunteering for this organization and help
them get the word out. The person who runs it
is a incredible guy with bipolar disorder. He thought
of the idea a while ago and wants to spread it all
over the country. I am not sure how much I can
help with that because I am super busy but
I can show up in various places and visit people.
Anyway, I think this is a great organization. I think
that someone has to help the people that have no help
at all. You see if you are on my list, you are either helping
someone or helping yourself. There are people that can’t
help themselves. AND they have no one to help them.
They have severe and I mean severe mental illness
and it’s really sad. But you can’t forget about these people.
So I am strongly considering volunteering with this
organization. I just have to figure out how to find
the time.
Hmmm.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about
something super important today.
I call it….
FRUSTRATED EXPECTATIONS
I know it’s a big deal to some, if
not most of you, for two reasons.
number #1, because I’m a supporter
myself, and I know that I have
frustrated expectations, and
number #2, because so many of you
have written and called me and tell me
the same thing.
So what are frustrated expectations?
Exactly what it says! No, don’t send me
hate mail because I’m treating you like a
dummy, I’m not, believe me. I just want
you to follow along with me. And remember,
I’m one of the people I’m talking about!
See, we bring something to the table –
being supporters of a loved one with
bipolar disorder, we bring to the table
all our fears, hurt, anger, resentments,
loneliness, all our negative feelings…
And, yes, our expectations.
Then those expectations aren’t met.
They’re frustrated.
Why? I’ll tell you why.
Because most of us, looking back,
never expected to be where (and who)
we are at this point in our lives.
We were sold a dream way back when
that did not include taking care of a loved
one with bipolar disorder, and everything
which that includes, especially our time and
emotions.
No one told us how difficult a JOB this
would be. And you know as well as I do
that this really is a JOB. One that probably
none of us signed up for.
Now, again, don’t send me hate mail,
because I’m not saying that you have to
do this and resent it as a job because
you don’t want to do it or don’t love your
loved one or anything.
I know you love your loved one and do it
and don’t get paid or anything and would
do it even if you never made a red cent.
But that’s not what I’m saying here!
Please hear me out before you make
a judgment call.
In my courses/systems, I talk about being a
good supporter, and I do talk about it as if
it were a job, one you have to train for:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
Because when you really look at it, it
really is. And you may be your loved
one’s only supporter, and that puts a
lot of pressure on you.
And you may not have anyone to talk
about this to. So you may be holding a lot
of feelings inside you. And part of this may
be what I’m calling frustrated expectations.
Maybe your loved one wasn’t always like
this. Maybe they have only recently been
diagnosed with bipolar disorder (which
explains why they have been behaving
the way they have been).
But now you are facing a future with
bipolar disorder in it. You are looking at
a loved one who is going to always have
this disorder, and you are going to have to
live with it.
You may have had hopes and dreams that
you will now never be able to have fulfilled.
Your whole life may have changed now.
So…now you have unfulfilled frustrations.
What do you do about it?
You have to ACCEPT IT.
I know that sounds simple. It IS simple.
But it is NOT easy!
No, it isn’t easy, but its something you have
to do if you’re going to continue being your
loved one’s supporter. You cannot let this
build up and stay inside you, hoping that
someday things will be different, because
that is NOT a realistic expectation.
You have to put away your unfulfilled
frustrations forever, and deal with the
new reality you are facing now.
I know this may sound negative, and I don’t
mean for it too, really I don’t. You know how
much of a positive person I am, and how I
always try to encourage you to be too.
But what it is is REALISTIC! You must be
realistic. Face your future together with your
loved one in a realistic way.
So this is NOT negative! Your loved one can
still become a healthy, happy, successful
person with bipolar disorder, with your
love and support.
And you can have NEW expectations!
They just have to be REALISTIC expectations.
Your Friend,
Dave
===>> Great Resources For You <===
Get Your Own Subscription To This Newsletter
Want your own copy of these daily bipolar
emails sent to you for F.ree? If so, visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/register3
Get More Help On Bipolar Disorder
Don’t forget to take a look through the
different programs I’ve put together… each
one is designed to help you with a different
area of bipolar disorder whether you have it or
you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/catalog.asp
View Past Daily Bipolar Emails For F.REE
Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
Get Audio Information On Bipolar Disorder For F.REE
Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com
I get very frustrated because my husband’s side does not understand what me and my daughter whos is going through bipolar are going through. I really appreciate your emails. I am going to nami meeting’s whenever I can to learn about the disease. I am looking it up on the internet. I also have a 12 year old daughter who is very confused at the moment and gets frustrated, any ideas? Eileen
Thank you, David. I appreciate your email every day. I really mean that too. Expectation is such an everyday thing. But it’s true! Realizing I need to change my expectations changes my frustration into HOPE. :o)
Dave,
I usually agree wth what you say, but as I frustrated bi-polar support I have to say I have an issue with what you concluded with today. My bi-polar person is not getting better with love and support. She needs a lot of professional help and as far as frustration, and expectations, as suporters we are human beings to, and it is not too much to ask that the “self-centeredness” that goes with the BP issue be minimized, and maybe, us a supporters get some understanding once in a while from our loved ones. My BP suferrer is very capable of working, surviving, being in a social setting, etc., so it is not too much to ask that she tries to return the feelings and support. When she is with mixed company, she is fine, no signs of BP. When we are alone, I am the whipping boy/shoulder to cry on. Why can’t she carry this civil, attentive, and social attitude home with her, instead of unloading every day on me about everything, and I am supposed to have the answers? That is a very small expectation and not too much to ask of a functioning human who has their wits about them. I am very tired of putting my life and feelings on hold, and I can read from the blogs that there are others who feel the same way. Frustration is an understatement, and I refuse to “accept it”. I can’t speak for others, but I, as a supporter feel taken advantage of. And it is a lose-lose situation; if I state my feelings,
I am left with guilt for “not understanding”. I am beginning to think, (in my case) this BP situation is an excuse for everything. As mentioned, this is my situation, and my opinion. I hope others are having better luck than me.
Love your emails, first time I’ve responded. I believe we live in the next town over from you. Yes, expectations need to change. Problem is, how do I tell my son – he will graduate from college next month! Communications degree, absolutely terrific with words and writing, great sense of humor. So proud, he worked hard. Holds down P/T job for two years with benefits (for his son (he sees) and himself) Medication compliant, 23 years old with two children (bipolar diagnosis two years ago) child support (alot for the other child he’ll never see) and no significant other. I don’t know how he will afford his current support payment, AND the college loans he will now be required to pay back. To top it off, he wants to move out. I believe we’ve successfully convinced him it is perfectly sensible to stay home and pay off loans while you can. We’ll see. The thought of not seeing him daily or even every other to “see” how he’s doing is a SCARY prospect. In the middle of a medication adjustment, he is having difficulty with, STRUGGLING with waking up. Hard to watch. Good to vent. Thanks 🙂
Hello Dave, I have been reading your posts for quite a while now but this particular post “BP and Frustrated Expectations” really hit me like a brick. (in a good way)I have been Bipolar ALL my life ( i’m 58 ) I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 46 though.I am more depressed than manic but I have had many hypomanic monments. I have lived by your standards that I figured out myself long ago. I have been proactive in my care and have set up lists of family members for the Dr.and therapists to call if need be. I have made sure at least one family member has met my Dr and therapist at least once too and have been compliant with my meds. I raised 3 really good kids who made me proud and are great citizens as adults. Knowing what I know now I wonder how I did it.
I was divorced in “96 and after met a wonderful loving man who I adored. Unfortunately, He shot himself on my 50th Birthday after asking me to marry him 2 days before. This left me reeling for many years but I had the most wonderful support group from my family and my Dr and therapist. I went to a support group and after a while I was able to teach some parents of bipolar children ( young and adult ) how Bipolar hides its ugly face. I always got many hugs of appreciation for helping them cope with the deaths of their loved ones knowing that they didn’t miss the clues but they were in hiding by their loved ones. After this I found an online suport group called SOLOS ( Survivors of Loved ones Suicide) It is listed under 1’000 Deaths.com. This means a person kills himself once and their loved ones die a thousand deaths asking themselves WHY. I have helped many newcomers to the group make sense of this and learn how to move on in life while still loving the person who died.
Now is the hard part… My son (29
), husband and father, was just diagnosed with BP a few months ago. He is mostly aggravated manic ( nothing like his normal temperment) ,his finances have fallen apart and he is losing his home and going bankrupt. He feels like such a failure even though he was working 2 jobs. Earlier this month he took a handful of pills and wrote a suicide note to his wife. Now I am a supporter and I have sent him many of your emails and have been there for him trying to get him to understand the beast that is inhabiting his head. I am trying to get him to be proactive in his care ( so far so good) and trying to help his wife through her own depression. This has been very hard for me. Now he is on drugs that work better for him since he was in the hospital for 72 hours. My older daughter takes care of my bills and has been my supporter and now I am his. Sometimes I feel like I will blow up and pop.
I am very interested in voluntering in the group you were talking about by visiting the mentally challanged people who have no one. I have been very lucky to have had many great supporters in my life . I am originally from NJ , Bergen County and now I’m in Pa, both are an hour from you in either direction. I moved to Pa after screwing up my finances where it was imposible to live financially in Nj anymore. My son was to look after me in Pa. (so much for plans)
I am interested in your online job plans but I lost your email about it while my son was going through his worst time. If you can send it to me again I would appreciate it. I have always done research and I would love this.
You have helped me so much as a person with Bipolar and now I am a Suporter too. I’d love if you could address this topic with your members. I really appreciate all the work you do on a daily basis. I know how hard this is.
Thank you for reading this, I’m sorry it is so long but I tried to make a long sTory short.
With all my appreciation,
Dianne
my husband is bipolar but wont get help he is also a acholice he went off on me friday night i am scared what should i do
Frustration is definitely a reality in my household. But the frustration is not on the part of my supporter, I am frustrated with my doctor. I have been seeing her for just over a year, and she’s been great. Although, our session in February I reveiled something to her because I was afraid my daughter was showing the same signs that I had around 14 yrs old. (my daughter is 5). I figured it would be main topic of discussion at our last meeting in March. Not a word was mentioned about it. I realize she was running behind and our hour session was only a half hour, but for her not to even bring the situation up really bothers me.
Anyway, how this relates to your latest email blog….sort of…I am very interested in your decision to volunteer at higher level institutes. I’m am sure most of these clients know they will likely never be “cured” but they all need someone to talk to, to confied in, someone who will really listen as a friend, and not constantly trying to “fix” everything. I’m sure they get enough of that with the staff. How would I approach a clinic about being a volunteer? Any advise would be greatly appreciated!
Sorry about the long blog!
Heather
Hi Dave, You are right I have phycotic bipolar and have been the worst person to deal with for nearly 20 years. All the worst things I have read I have done and more. The thing that stopped me was acknowledging yes I have bi-polar. It has been like climbing a mountain since then, baby steps, a mmountain to stability. It can be achieved if you want it badly enough. If you don’t want to see your loved ones tearful and exhausted it’s like I nearly made everyonme around me mentally ill – not any more. Love yourself, get sleep, reduce stress, take it one day at a time. Love you all:-)
Hi David:
First let me say I am glad you had some relaxation, of which I am certain you so badly needed. 2nd your info you send us and this blog is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t know if anyone reads the books I tend to write on this blog or not but it gives me a chance to be candid with how I feel. Before I only had a Psych to express myself to a couple of times a month, this is daily and it is so much help for me that I do not have words to express how thankful I am to you. I do read everyone’s blogs and all are in my prayers to find some peace of mind, including you, the one who is always so busy, up at an horrific time of the morning to get these emails written and out to us (remember I am on PDT and I have been up and seen what time your emails get to me!). I am not going to nag at you to take some “you time” because I know you will do what you will do. So with that said: They say hindsight is 20-20 and if I had known I would give birth to a child with Bipolar Disorder there are a lot of things I would not have done in the past because I will die prematurely and she will be pretty much without her main supporter. Hopefully things will work out with a young man, who is in the army, I know he has a deep connection with her and loves her and has since high school but they haven’t got together at the right time yet. However, I believe they will the next time they are together. This is my instincts, not expectations and I made a prediction several years ago that they would get married when they were around age 25, they are 21 now and he still has a couple of years to do in the army. Again instincts. I chose to smoke when I was very young and worked a few jobs that are bad for the lungs, as well, leading me to the final stage of emphysema. I also chose to marry her father, I knew something was off in his head, but no idea what, and got pregnant with my one and only child who has BPD. Another bad choice on my part but don’t get me wrong I love my daughter dearly and when she is away from me I make her call me or IM or email me everyday that she is ok. I know we are co-dependent and have to get that taken care of. Getting pregnant actually saved my life because I had just had a normal pap smear done about 8 months prior and the doctor insisted I have another as routine prenatal care and this one came back cancer of the cervix. I am the type of person who goes years without a pap smear and if I hadn’t got pregnant most likely a simple hysterectomy would not have taken care of my cancer. I would probably have died before i had another pap smear. My expectations is to keep beating the door down on Social Security to qualify her to receive SSI and with that in Idaho she will qualify for Medicaid and be enabled to get the help she needs to live a fairly normal life. My frustrations are with the Government, primarily the State of Idaho’s Government and the Department of Social Security. It is their unwillingness to help someone who needs it very badly that cause young girls to get pregnant in this state. You either have to be pregnant, already have a child, or qualify for SSI to qualify for the Medicaid that will enable her to get the help she so badly needs. If I have to I will send her to my husband’s daughter in the state of Washington where she will get help from the state, but will have to find a new Psych that is a good one, which is not always easy to find. I learned a long time ago to expect the unexpected with my daughter. It hasn’t always been easy but it is a lot worse now that she is no longer a minor. Although according to law I am responsible for her until she she 25 years old unless she gets married or gets pregnant. Social Security is my income and I have Medicare and I am so poor that I qualify for Medicaid too but none of that helps her out and that is my frustrated expectations!
gunzee, I am feeling the same way. My loved onefunctions in the same ways as you’ve described. My expectations we no lying, drinking or smoking (which he did meet for awhile so I know he can). When I tried to seek a supportive shoulder he would try but it always went back to how he was doing/feeling and even when he said “I’m here for you he really wasn’t”. I too see it as a selfishness and he asks me if we are going to be together no matter what and at all cost. The answer is no, I can not sacrifice my dignity and accept his behavior when he will not or can not do his part. I also see him out socially or with work friends and on thephone enjoying everyday interactions with others and wonder why I do not always see that person. Is everything just one big act? Anyway, we are living in seperate households now and it’s been a week. So far he only answers his phone when he feels like it, says it’s too hard. He will text me and email me and I have seen him once. He says he is out there trying to secure a new job and working on his health. Only time will tell but do I have to accept this type of live? No, I am too selfish. My expetations now are to see him when I can and face the reality that we will not likey be married, but perhaps can appreciate each others company without the expectations that were tearing us apart. Unrealistic maybe, and not what he wants but I have my young children to care for and they will always come first. A 50 year old is an adult and even though this may seem selfish, I can not take on the care taker role. It scares me to death what the future would look like. You may be saying,”she does not love him if she can send him away”. Wrong, I do love him and that is why I did have him leave. I think of it as a reality call for him to decide what kind of live he really wants.
Sorry for the negitive post. It is what it is.
Hi, my name is Linda. Can you explain to me if being bipolar would make a person be with their family instead of with his girlfriend.
Hi Linda,
Yes it would. I have frequently switched between my partner and my family depending on who I thought the enemy was at the time. I don’t now as stable. Your mind gives you an altered state of reality I thought my mum was trying to kill me. I thought my partner hated me. It is a terrible thing.
Dave, I have gotten your course and I have read through the whole thing – I have read these e-mails for the last year or so. I say that so you know that I am trying to learn.
Here is my question, what should the “new expectations” look like? My husband appears to want to be sick. He won’t tell his drs the truth everything is “fine”. He won’t make any attempts to connect with his family, especially me. I am divorced without being divorced. And I hate it, but I also don’t feel free to leave him.
So, what should my expectations look like, should I give up on expecting a life with the man I am married to? Am I supposed to be the person who has to do everything for the rest of my life while my husband lives with no responsibilities or connection to me at all? Is my expectation now supposed to be that I am alone and that my JOB is to make his life easier and completely stress free?
Who then cares about me? And why is it unfair that I expect that someone care and love me too?
Admittedly, i have two that I must care for so it can be very hard at times if they are both having episodes at the same time. My son however, really wants to be a survivor not a sufferer – my husband does not he seems to like the suffering. I think he has decided it gives him an out to not be nice, involved, love anyone else. He can just sit in his chair and watch TV and eat (he has gained 60 lbs in the last year) and say “I’m bipolar this is what my life is”.
I want to hope but I don’t have much right now. And I don’t see that having any expectations is worthwhile.
Thanks for letting me spout off!
I thought I was the only one going through being the whipping girl/woman for the bi-polar husband that I was supporting. I couldn’t do it anymore. He just went from having a few episodes to really longer lasting episodes where, he would literally hurt me physically. I’ve been punched in the face, poked in the eye, screamed and cursed at and humiliated in the front of strangers and his family members. Even though they know that he abuses me, they refuse to admit that he is mentally ill. I have seen him deteriorate, right in front of my eyes, he becomes another evil person, who hates me and tells me and others such things. He even told our children. I loved this man so much and did so much for him and I still can’t understand why he would choose to be with people, he knows don’t care if he lives or dies. He would also spend his paycheck during an episode on these people and not have any recollection of where his money went. To his family and friends, he pays most of our bills and it was frustrating and hurtful to hear these lies when, I had to take on two jobs to cover the losses of these episodes. Now, I am no longer in debt, since I said goodbye to him. I wish he were well, we would have such a great life together, as I still love him.
Hi Dave, You are amazing, go see if their is a way to help those people, that have been failed by conventional methods, and the way we treat our sick brothers and sisters. One person taking the time to study our forgotten ill, left behind and locked up till death. Care = Hope. As an infant Hannibal was not fed brains, or was he? When did he actually aquire a taste for human brains, how did he get there? I know I do not need to say this, take note on the treatment and care of these people, houseing conditions, look beyond how it looks while your are there. You care, take your own time spend your own money. So the people running these places for them it is there job, how easy it could be for people running these institutions to become frustrated, bitter, experimental, and maybe the folks in charge could easily turn evil, play Hitler. David Oliver proceed with caution, trust yourself only, you are so intelligent, while you visit these places, go with your gut feelings, go with your first thought, do not think twice. Mental health has gotten better, background the staff at these institutions, are they periodicaly evaluated for their own mental strengh? You have heard of the saying, (if you cant beat them join them)I believe envromental factors have a profound inpact on mental health. I probably sound paranoid, it is 2008, reality is what it is. People in all walks of life in any position or role in society can be evil, look at our countrys White House, the Bush Administration for example.
Take care David,
Karen
Do you have something to say about a situation where the person in the mix with the high dreams and ideals and frustrated goals is the loved one with bipolar disorder? My loved one has only recently been diagnosed but has always had very high expectations of others and life in general, which has led to lots of frustrations for them. Thanks.
Hello, David; his lovely Team, the many people with Bipolar and their Supporters,
For quite a while, I was “stable” and leading a very active life within my local community, after my partner died suddenly five years ago from a heart attack, whilst playing the game of ‘Squash’. My medication levels were quite low and quite incidental. Then I met a Mechanic who came to fix my tatty old car and I felt that life was getting better.
However, after several months of pure joy and the feeling that I had met “Mr Right”, EVERYTHING came crashing down around my ears on Boxing Day 2007, after a man kept texting my partner relentlessly. Obviously, I became suspicious and asked what was going on, but I was not prepared for the truth… he was Bisexual and the man was his ex-partner of twelve years!
I felt betrayed because he had told me about his divorce and two teenage children, but NOT about this deeper aspect of himself which I felt that he should have shared with me from the outset.
To make things worse, the ex Gay boyfriend started harassing me, so I had to get the Police involved and take an injuction out against him. Inevitably, I began to suffer from the stress and by February 2007, I went into the biggest ‘episode’ since Huw died.
Luckily, I have a fabulous Doctor who takes me seriously (I have given him print outs of some of your e-mails!) and sedated me quickly so that I could sleep and recover my strength a little. Then he put me on “suicide watch”, whereby I had to visit him weekly for my pills and tell him how I was feeling. I was referred to a Psychiatrist again and a wonderful Therapist, whom I see both monthly, plus my Psychiatric Nurse visits my home every six weeks to take blood from me (I call him ‘The Vampire’ and he’s the same person who took the blood from the famous actor, ‘Stephen Fry’, when he was making his ‘BAFTA’ Award Winning two-part documentary, “The Secret Life Of A Manic Depressive”).
Incidentally, I have also done the same survey as Stephen Fry, because the Universities of Cardiff and Birmingham are doing their best to collate as much information as possible to help towards a cure for Bipolar. It may be genetic, as my great-grandfather slit his throat and many members of my family have attempted suicide, including myself.
Anyway, the ironic thing is that my partner has ‘Seasonal Affective Disorder’ (SAD) and constantly drinks alcohol, but will not seek help and even resents me reading your web-site every day. So, even though I have ‘Cyclothymia’, it is ME who acts as the Supporter and I know how difficult it can be. I have kicked him out many times, but always take him back.
I send love to all of you out there in worse situations than me, as I, too, did NOT sign up to tolerate all these frustrating situations. He does hold me back to an extent, as I have big ambitions and always used to be a high achiever in the ‘Financial Services Industry’, but I am getting stronger as each day passes and I know that I will achieve my goals when the time is right, with or without him beside me.
Take care all,
Sue and all the animals. x
Dave,
I am impressed as I am ” felt with” many persons that have talked in this blog today.Gungle, I understand your feelings… they are my feelings too.But if acceptation is the solution, we can think in our espiritual evolution.If undegoing past life will repeat,I will only to receive flowers purple.Sometimes understanding words change to badly undertood words.Diane, I don’t understand like a person that suffers as ,ucn as you ,can be diagnosed like BP.Your pain justifies every thing.I had lost my adored husband too, overnight, but not commiting suicide.It was terrible.The answer that Tanya give to Linda explains the switches that makes my loved one, sometimes ,to treat me as an enemy amd the manage that she makes between me and her hustand (a very good person).So, for supporters and survivors, all the best. Lilian P.
Hello Dave,
I am supporting 2 Bipolar individuals and i Depressive. I, also, am bipolar. I find it difficult to suppress my feelings with these individuals. Sometimes at the moment of exasperation, I even right them off non-verbally within myself. I put up safe boundaries and calm down. I find that if I feed into their illness they never take responsibility for it or responsebility for how they hurting others. It is key to set your boundaries. A supporter is like the hub of the wheel, when the supporter goes, the wheel falls apart. Also, I look back at the progress I have made and how each person who I have been entrusted with has matured and learned how to cope with the symptoms of bipolar disorder. I am a teacher, mother and friend.
One of the very important tasks of our JOB is that of teacher. We need to take care of our boundries, look at our successes, hold our friends and family accountable for their actions. I find in other biplors and myself that I would not be where I am without support, but I know that in the mist of my illness, if my supports patronized me and did remove themselves a bit to allow things to come to a logical end I would never have progressed as far as I have.
Dave, I just started reading your emails. I am 57 years. I have never know anyone who gets this illness as you do. I would say it has taken me years to learn this stuff. I think about 90% of what you write about I know and understand. I am thankful I have come upon you and I am looking forward to learning the other 10%.
I do not consider bipolar disorder as something I am going through. It is a fact that it does frustrate me when my children choose not to medicate then complain about excess money spent for rediculous things. At least the one I can support is here with me and I am past being able to do much for the grown children until they are willing to accept the issues they have as unusual and something that a Doctor can help. I do not see mental issues any differently than an ear, nose, or throat condition. All are treatable and all need medication to be better. Sure there will be struggles, but life is that way. Acceptance tells me to do all I can and seek as much knowledge as possible and do as much good as you can. It all comes down to love God, do good, and help others. Family or not that is my station in life. Yes I have expectations, but I keep those expectations centered on what I can do with the way I think and feel. And see my bipolar child accomplish and succeed in becoming all that she can be. So each accomplishment becomes a gift. Each time she manages to self control an outburst. Each time she understands that she is sad and we can work together to get past it. Medication can only do so much. Self control can only go so far. My 8 year old is learning about triggers. She is learning about the happy place in her mind that brings about good thoughts. She is learning how to self manage her impulces with positive self attitudes. For all other times I am there to take note help and encourage her to succeed. I had a choice I could have chosen not to raise this child. I knew the possibilities. I knew the family history. I accepted her in my life no matter what I had to do. I have had to raise other bipolar children one with ADHD as well. I see how intellighet and creative each of them are in their own way. Bipolar Disorder has some common factors that each of them have to struggle to deal with. But they are all very individual in the choices they make and in the way they choose to manage their struggles and their life. I have been there. I am still there when needed. Supporter does not stop just waits to be asked to help. Each of them call me when their world gets too messed up and We then work together to find solutions. I never do it for them. I help them to help themselves.
My frustration stems from an expectation for my son to hold a job. It does not have to be full time; it does not have be great paying. I just want him to be able to help support himself (my husband and I pay his health insurance, all his copays and his car expenses to he can get to his doctors). In addition we clothe and feed him as well. Even though we do not give him spend money this adds up to a little more than $1,000 per month.
How should I work with this particular frustration and very real monetary problem?
Any advice you could give on this subject would be great. I’m sure their are many supporters out there that are paying for basic necessities and that is very draining expecially since we are trying to save for our own retirement. Thanks for your help.
Dear Mr. Oliver, one thing I would like to say is I don’t think I would ever send you hate mail, second, I do agree, everyone has the right to be helped no matter what kind of situation they are in. Severe mental illnesses , I don’t know what to say, I used to believe I was in that category as a teen so I know what it feels like to think you are forgotten about by society in general. I hope you don’t bring yourself to a breaking point for your own personal well being you have so much going on and I am sure your stress level will eventually go up but God bless you , you are truly the kind of person who cares and has a lot of compassion. I also wanted to say that my daughter was released today from the psyciatric ward and I need to be here for her as well as our family and myself and for me that is kind of over whelming but I have faith that everything will come together, just have to keep up my patience.
Dave,
I have said for many years there are two kinds of people in the world, the do everythings and the do nothings. If you feel you truly have TIME to devote to visiting people in the mental instututions and you feel a calling I day go for it. But then again, I have devoted my life to looking after those less fortunate and who have no other support system. I am now totally disabled, physically, and just yesterday, Easter Sunday, I received a call that one of my “babies” had overdosed and was in rehab on suicide watch. Now this is a person I have taken under my wing. Not a blood relative. Yet I support a blood relative by my ex and both of them are bipolar. I was with my daughter (bipolar) when I received the call. It happened about 2PM just as we were going in to a late lunch with the nanny of my 2 grandchildren. My daughter was livid that I would even consider leaving her and the children there and go to the emergency room the see this other young girl.
I did not leave my daughter, but I worried the whole time, till I could get home and make the call.
Choices, choices, choices. YOU DECIDE how much you can take and God Bless You
Hi Dave,
I really appreciate your daily emails and this blog. It’s a great outlet for me as I deal with my husband’s bipolar. I feel very alone in my marriage, and just tired of this self centered roller coaster ride that I didn’t really ask for. Lately I’ve wondered if there are any other spouses or significant others out there who are frustrated with the expectations of “supporting” someone with bipolar. Today I see that there are.
There are a lot of frustrations. Most of them can be overcome somehow, except the financial ones, which are always the biggest hurdles. My boyfriend is on disability pay for his bipolar, as well as having a part time job. I also work part time. I have always worked for myself in my own time at my own pace and tend to crack up under the slightest bit of pressure. My boyfriend and I live in different houses and because of the financial pressure we will not be able to get married. Social security would cut his disability benefit if he had a wife or live-in girlfriend. I am not “breadwinner material” and we could not manage on two part time incomes. So it looks like we have to wait 14 years until I get a pension. That’s a frustrating expectation.
LINDA and TANYA
Not sure whether it was on Dave’s website or another where I read that bipolar people often tend to either cut themselves off completely from their families (and often their families may disown them, if they don’t understand the illness). Or they hide behind their families believing that the family can “protect them from themselves”. My boyfriend is one of the former and my ex-husband is one of the latter. The two men are very similar in other ways and I constantly remind myself of their differences (plus the fact that my current man is on meds and my ex refuses to get help) to help myself overcome the fear of history repeating itself.
I could write a book about “frustrated expectations.” I was always the A student in school. I also was Senior Class President. At the age of 12, all I wanted to do was work in Washington, D.C., especially as a secretary to a Senator, so I REALLY worked at achieving such a goal. I started TeenAgeRepublicans. I got involved later with the local adult Republican party. My Dad wanted me to go to Vassar or Yale, but I found out a girl from my high school spent her junior year in college at American University in WASHINGTON, D.C.! I applied for early admission – and was accepted in January! I was ON MY WAY!!
My freshman year, I volunteered in my Senator’s office, working closely with his personal secretary. I even drove to the Senate at 7AM (before my 8:00 German class) to sit in on the weekly policy meetings!
Well, I flew to D.C. to visit my boyfriend over the July 4 weekend, right after Bobby Kennedy had been assassinated. I dropped by the Senator’s office, and overheard that the secretary to the Legislative Assistant was resigning. I went to him, and indicated that I would like to be considered for the job. He looked up at me and said, “Manna from Heaven!” I had to wait a whole weekend to hear if I would be hired. It was the loooongest weekend of my life!
Monday came – and I was hired! I dropped out of school, and started work the following day! I had to find a place to live, and my boyfriend’s aunt had a 1-BR apt. that I could rent, furnished. I was on “top of the world!” I had a fiance who loved me; I had my own apt., I had my “dream job;” and NO ONE could tell I was “sick.”
“Sex” stepped into the equation, and I cheated on my boyfriend (but I thought that was “normal”). I stayed up all night a couple of days after I got the job, and read the Bible (Revelations). I started “reading” things into it; things that weren’t “normal” either. I made long distance calls to boys I had known in school – out of the blue, at 2AM.
My parents had come from IL to help me get settled in. I wrote a loooong letter to my surgeon (who had saved my life 3 times in the past), indicating that he could be my biological father. He called me at work, and told me and my parents to come to his office.
When we got there and were called into his office, he looked at my parents and said, “This isn’t your daughter’s writing. I think she’s exhausted, and needs a rest.” I was feeling frazzled, so concurred. He had me admitted to the Psychiatric Unit of the hospital, and I didn’t give it another thought. I was going to “rest!”
I was sooooo manic I didn’t realize I was “sick.” After they started medicating me, it dawned on me that I was a “mental patient,” and would never be the same again. I lost it all – the dream job, the apt., my boyfriend. I spent two days crying on my bed. How had this happened to ME??!! The “wunderkind,” the “special daughter?”
I eventually went through two more hospitalizations for mania; my last one was in 1977. I am “maintained” as stable through my support at the local Community Mental Health clinic; but have no individual supporter who lives with me. I have essentially taken care of myself since 1989, when my first husband died. I’m NO stronger than any other person with bipolar. I have a STRONG faith in God. And – I know I have “choices.” But it just goes to show you, you never know when the insidious bipolar will sneak up on you, and I have to be on my guard 24/7, and rely on my medications to help me over the rough spots.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you ALL real good.
Dave,
I have a strong admiration of you and your purpose. It is difficult to give up dreams (expectations) of what we envision our life to be, isn’t it? Follow what your heart tells you in regard to the volunteer project but be careful in what you seek. The visits may last only an hour or so (technically) but the ghosts of what you will see will haunt you forever.
Thank you,
Erin RN
Dave, I would follow your accountant’s advice. But not for the financial side of it; rather for the incredible, incredible, INCREDIBLE strength it will take emotionally and mentally, let alone physically. From all of your research, you know a great deal now about mental and emotional disorders, so you are an incredible resource and even more, friend, to those you already have online. Putting together all of your materials for this alone is demanding. Even if you have most of it gathered and put into your courses, you have other businesses to manage. Your time in the gym is really important to you too, for your health as well as your other goals. You are still the primary supporter of your Mom even tho’ it seems that your Dad is coming more on board. You are a doer, an achiever, successful, and you’re like a terrier hanging on a pant leg and won’t let go…in other words, persistant. Now you desire, and I know this is a true desire for you, to minister to the forgotten and shunned in these institutions. That is quite a calling.
So, which of the above are you willing to give up to become this volunteer? What would happen to your Mom, to your employees, and to US if anything were to happen to you? Also, a man who does a few things learns to do these things in an excellent manner. A man who does many things can do these things in a mediocre manner. So take time…take time. lay everything out on paper with a realistic view of seeing which things can you do in an excellent manner, and which things you can afford to do in a mediocre manner. How much good will you be to anyone or be able to do for anyone if you are stretched to thin in an unwise manner? See if you can look at this in a parable type of scenario:
Matt is a junior in a university with a high academic reputation. He is majoring in Psychology and will soon be doing an internship as part of his program. But Matt is a real go-getter. He has so many interests and feels called to do so many things that he can scarcely choose between them. So, what’s the answer? “I’ll just do them all!” he says.
Oh, yes. He also works the night shift at a local hospital, and he plays on the varsity football and basketball teams. He is not God, and he is not Superman. So where is he going to do a poor-to mediocre job and where will he be able to shine? Will he even hold up under all of the demands? Most importantly, does Matt HAVE to do all of these things now, or can he wait to do some of them when his studies are less demanding? Can he even put some things aside that cost him more than they give?
What would you tell Matt, David? How would you counsel him? Remember, your concern is for Matt’s well-being and then for his success. You can call me Mama Bear…That’s what my kids call me :).. Marni
I HAVE BIPOLAR MYSELF. MY FIANCE TRYS TO UNDERSTAND IT. IN MY FAMILY THEY SAY WHAT IS IT. I TRY TO EXPLAIN IT.ITS NOT THAT EASY. I DON’T KNOW IF VA HAS MEETINGS.I WANTED TO GET DAVIDS BOOK ON HOW TO UNDERSTAND.IF I AM NOT MISTAKEN. UNFORTUNLEY I CAN’T AFFORD IT. SO, MY FIANCE CAN UNDERSTAND IT. HE IS BY ME.IF WE HAVING A DISCSION. IF THERE IS SOMETHING. I DON’T AGREE. I TRY TO TALK. THEN I END UP YELLING TO GET IT ACROSS.HE SAY WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME.I DON’T MEAN TO.I DON’T LIKE TO YELL. HE MAY THINK I AM MAD AT HIM. I SAY TO HIM ITS NOT YOU.ITS ME. DAVID THANK YOU FOR
THE E-MAILS. MJ
Hello Dave,
First time answering one of your emails and its on fustration. I am a bypolar supporter. I figure that this is my husbands problems but he is seeing a doctor (whom i have not met) and was told that he is just depressed. Well that may be the case, after all i sure am no doctor, however, i dont know. You see i gave my husband an article about bp and he noticed that yeah the symptoms are the same. When he mentioned this to his doctor he was told that no way he had this disorder cause people with bp dont realize what they are doing or saying when they hurt others. So when i questioned him about it he got angry and said that he is not crazy, (seems like thats the idea he gets about being bp) and that i should stop trying to make him believe that. Well in my fustration i just quietly asked “so when you say and do all those mean things you know damn well what you are doing” He said nothing. My fustration is not knowing if this is bp or a rejection. Right now he is on antidepressents and is ok and i am treating him as if he has bp, being supportive so he doesnt become stressed (we own a business with about 40 empolyees). But to be honest i am scared that he may not be receiving the treatment that he needs and this fustrates me.
I can really relate with Gunzee. My husband gets along with everyone and can control his BP when he is with other people (for the most part)but it is almost like he thinks he doesn’t have to try to control it with me. There are days of course that he is wonderful, but there are also days and alot lately that everyhing thing I say or do makes him angry. He accuses me of setting him off. It can be as simple as a sandwich. I try to think that it is not personal to me it is the disease but then why can he control it with other people. Why is it too much to ask for the same respect he gives other people. I AM HIS WIFE! I should deserve it MORE! I know he loves me with all of his heart and would be lost without me but it is hard to remember that sometimes with the way he treats me. And do all BP think they don’t have to do anything around the house or anything they don’t want to for that matter? Yes I am very frustrated!
I am a supporter. Been on this site and going to support group for over a year. Trying to find a way to combat the weight gain from the meds, it is frustrating, to say the least. She was a size 6, now a size 14 in less than a year. Got to be a way to lose the weight; very depressing for her. If anyone has any ideas, please email me. Thank you….
I get frustrated because my wife is bi-polar, and I have 3 children whom often end up at the end of her negative comments, anger etc… I can handle it myself, I just don’t know how to talk to the kids about mommy. She left the house, and moved in with a much older man for 1 1/2 years, and I took her back because I love her, and always will, but I wonder if I made a mistake for the kids sake.
I think I am in the same exact boat at gunzee… I believe bi-polar is the problem, expectations have to be readjusted etc… but to what degree? My therapist put it very well for me to understand: We can all agree that there is a point where being the supporter is no longer an option, when the price is too high. I think almost all of us would agree that physical abuse would fall under that category. And so would extreme verbal abuse…, but where is that line? I think that we each have to make that decision on our own. I had to give up my friends (not directly, but it was definately a result), and some family relationships etc… My frustration is that I have to keep that line drawn not only for me, but where is the line for the well being of my kids? I know young kids need their mother, but where is the line when they are learning her bad behavior? How do I talk to them about her illness? How do I try to support her at times when she validly punishes them, and then at other times feel bad for the kids? She doesn’t realize the difference at times of when she is fair and when she isn’t, and constantly says I never support her with the kids… FRUSTRATION to the 100th degree.
This is for TP:
Sorry it took so long to get back to you on you loved one with BPD losing weight, I have had a few crises going on some related to Bi-polar, some not, but they have kept me off line until this AM. The best way for her to lose the weight from the BPD meds is to go to her DR and get a realistic diet and exercise plan started and stick to it. It can be very hard to do, especially if you have other health factors to deal with, such as I am in the final stage of emphysema and can’t exercise as I used to because I get short of breath so easily, but I keep my weight well down below the obesity body mass index. It is a lot healthier and I can breath a lot easier when I am not so over weight and at a much less risk for diabetes, as well. Good luck to you and lots of Prayers for you and your loved one.
Helen M – Thank you for your advice. I have researched every area I can find for weight gain from bipolar meds. There is just not much out there. My prayers to you…tp…
I HAVE BP TO.RACHEL YES IT IS FRUSATING. I HAVE IT W MY BOYFRIEND. HE THINKS I AM YELLING AT HIM.DEPENDS ON THE SUBJECT.PART OF IT IS ME. I KNOW THE OTHER IS THE BIPOLAR DIEASE. I AM ON MEDICATION TO HELP. MYSELF W IT.
THANK YOU,
MJ
I HAVE ADHD ALSO ON TOP. ITS NOT EASY.