=>PLEASE FORWARD TO FRIENDS, FAMILY AND LOVED ONES <=
Hi,
I hope you’re doing ok.
Today I want to talk to you about this
email I got:
Dear Dave:
My husband has bipolar disorder, and
usually he does ok, it’s just that it’s
been awhile, and I thought that by now
he’d be doing much better than he is,
ya know? I mean, he’s been on his
medication, and he’s been taking it
right and everything, but he is still
having episodes once in a while.
They’re not as often as they were
before, and they’re not as bad, but
I thought that once he got on the right
medication that he’d be ok, Why is he
still having episodes?
——————————————–
Wow! I know where this lady is
coming from, because you wouldn’t
believe how many emails I get that say
the very same thing.
There are a lot of supporters (and
just as many survivors) who think that
once their loved one is on the right
medication, that’s all there is to it!
That their loved one will never go
into an episode again.
Maybe you think that way, too. So
I want you to know how wrong that
thinking is. It is unrealistic to think
that way.
Yes, medication is the core ingredient
to getting better with bipolar disorder.
As well as therapy, support groups,
and everything else that goes in your
loved one’s “bipolar toolbox” to help
them to be stable.
But no one should be telling you
that your loved one will never have
another episode, because that is just
not true. No doctor should tell you
that, and no therapist either. And you
should not assume that, because it
just isn’t true.
In my courses, I teach about the core
ingredients necessary for stability,
and yes, medication is one of them,
but it isn’t a magic cure to never have
another episode ever again:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
No matter how compliant your loved
one is with their medication, no matter how
well they follow their treatment plan, no
matter how many years they have gone
without an episode, you still have to keep
up your guard, because they can still have
an episode at any time.
You can’t expect perfection from your
loved one, any more than you would want
them to expect perfection from you.
All that they (and you) can do is your best.
Remember: “Hope for the best, while
being prepared for the worst.”
PLEASE POST RESPONSES TO THIS EMAIL HERE
Your friend,
Dave
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Yes I agree with mr. oliver. Medication is just a tool to help. Diet and exercise,theropy and support groups like this one is important. As in diet I dont mean about weight it is about vitamims and minals. Im glad Dave is doing better. Keep it up….Your freind Jerry
hello david,thank you for your quick response on the email i sent you. my son and i both attend counciling for his anger, but i still dont think they really understand the seriousness of this especially with the inncident of my nephew that has bipolor that killed my sister and her husband. i have a question?he has problems at school, hes always in the office,introuble,sometimes i really believe he doesnt realize what he has done. what do i do? the school believes disapline is the only answer,and thats always what happens he is disaplined. is that the answer for his episods? what should i do???dear dav i am a disabled single parent and i cant afford extras, so im looking forward to ur responses to help me. thank you ur friend kat
David,
This is a very good topic. My ex has been on the best mix of meds for quite awhile now. He is closely monitored by his doctor, but neglects the other tools that are out there…therapy, proper diet and exercise. The way it was explained to me is that the medication has a stabilization effect. It does not address behaviors and impulses or overall health. That is why the other tools are so important. Just as the medication needs to be taken on a daily basis, so should the other tools have a regular place in day to day life.
It is interesting that you were talking about perfection. What I wanted more than anything in our relationship was a mature partner to share my life with. Instead I became a caregiver to what equated to another child. I don’t blame him entirely as I allowed it to happen. I didn’t set the proper boundaries to take care of myself. While I didn’t demand perfection from him, that is something he really demanded of himself. He wanted to be perfect for me. In the end I didn’t leave him because he was bipolar, I left because my needs weren’t being met and I wasn’t meeting his. Rather than have him continue to hate himself when he knew he couldn’t meet my needs, I had to accept that this wasn’t going to work out. I came to realize that alot of his behaviors such as the rage, childish acting out, manipulation and deception was an effort to cover how much he didn’t love himself. He didn’t need me to demand perfection, he was demanding it of himself.
Thanks for listening, Isabella
Hello David. I appreciate every e-mail you have sent me. I was wondering if being bi-polar can affect the way the brain is educated. I got good grades in school. I also noticed I learned things in a different way. I currently struggle with simple things. Throw me a complicated issue, and I can fix it with ease. I noticed my brain processed information with odd complexity. I frustrate easily. I am also a perfectionist. I value your opinion. Kim
I agree Dave. The meds. don’t cure those of us with bipolar disorder and people who think that way are wrong. My son and I hope for the best every day. We never know when we may have an episode. I do my best to be prepared at all times in case I do. I keep detailed instructions for my boys as what to do if some thing happens. It’s just them and me so I’ve made sure they understand what needs to be done. I was also wondering if you had any ideas on coping skills for the anger side of things. My son who also is bipolar has had a hard time dealing with anger out bursts. Thank goodness his school understands and helps me with this. I made sure they have had as much info. as I can get them. Would love to hear from you with any ideas that might help. Thank you again Dave for caring enough to do what you do.
Hi Dave
FROM LIZ FROM SOUTH AFRICA:
When I saw the word ‘perfection’ it grabbed my attention. One of my bipolar problems is that everything has to be perfect all the time. I wear myself out, making order out of chaos. I am constantly sorting out my house and garden, and dogs.
I was medically boarded last year, April, due to bipolar. After working for a company for 21 years. My boss was a big problem as he was really difficult (frankly, I think he is also bipolar or has some other mental problem). He used to shout and scream and expect more than anyone could possibly do. But me with my ‘perfection problem’ used to try to be an absolute ‘superwoman”. He bugged me at home as well, on the phone, evenings and weekends. I couldn’t live a normal life. My kids, who were young when I started with him, suffered due to my work pressure, and being unavailable to them, lots of times. I wish I could sue him for the suffering he caused me and my kids. But, it was unfortunately due to the perfection thing’, due to bipolar, on my part. Anyone one else would have told him to f..k off!
You may wonder why I didn’t try to get another job (I actually did try), but in this country, you struggle to get a job, unless you are black.
I would be most interested if anyone who reads this blog has any idea of what is going on in South Africa right now? Since the change in Government in 1994 to Black ANC, our country has gone so downhill and is falling apart. Millions of white professional and skilled people have left. The crime is terrible. We, alone have experienced three break-ins (the first time we lost nearly everything) and car-jackings, hi-jackings. Friends have been attacked. White people have been killed. It is scary. We now live in a house with high walls, an electric fence and heavy security. We also have two Rotweillers who look and act fierce (but are actually as soft and friendly as anything!).
I appreciate all your emails and all your info, it is a wonderful support for me. But a lot of stuff I cannot relate to cos I don’t live in the USA.
I know you are flat out with what you do, but is there anyway you could make contact with someone here in South Africa? There are many bipolars here in dire need of help.
My psychiatrist is the best in Durban for bipolar disorder. He is an Indian man (Christian). He has been helping me for 11 years. He was the one who diagnosed me. If you wish I could give you his contact details?
There are not very many psychiatrists left here, as I mentioned, most haveleft the country.
When I was a teenager, my behaviour was so terrible, that my parents told me they wanted nothing to do with me.
My mother recently saw an Oprah programme on bipolar and was most horrified and told me that she wished she had known about what was wrong with me as a kid and teenager. I have tried to tell her, but Oprah is her God, and everything Oprah says, she believes in.
Sorry I have rambled on.
Kind regards
Liz Osler
it actually is more like a question,if the said cause of bipolar disorder is a chemical deficiency of some sort.why is that pill and medication does not solve it completely? could it be that there is no such type of deficiency but a nutritional one, among other causes for this situation? it might just be medication is way overrated?
Dave,
I am a BiPolar person. It is very hard for my husband to understand that I will never be symptom free. I take my medication as directed but there are still those days that are miserable to say the least. I did get a SAD light which does help some with the use of my meds but I still have troubles.
Fun Quotes:
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
– Will Rogers
How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.
– Woody Allen
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
– W.C. Fields
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
– Rita Rudner
I love mankind. It’s people I can’t stand.
– Charles Monroe Schultz
I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.
– David Brent
If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
– Woody Allen
Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can’t do.
– David Brent
I am thrilled that an e-mail I posted 2 weeks ago is now being discussed today. I wrote in about how my life has changed by realizing that my meds. weren’t enough and I learned that I had to take some kind of control back over my life. There really are signs to watch for to see or feel an episode coming on. But a word of caution to the love ones of bipolar sufferers don’t think you can track this for them. You can to a certain extent but the one with Bipolar has to be the one to learn their own pattern. If you have others doing it for you, you aren’t helping yourself. Which is ever so important to be able to have a certain amount of control over your illness on your own. As everyone pretty much knows who understands anything about Bipolar disorder the worst feeling of all is the feeling of completely losing your ability to control whatever mood you are in. Most of the time hurting others who love you and then you hurt yourself because when your angers gone you realize the people you lashed out on still feel the sting of your words.Then your depressed because of it. No win situation! I would know. It’s the reason I’ve decided to change my life. I’m so glad others are realizing that medication is only one step to the freedom and happiness you can have living with bipolar disorder.
dear denet; my son has bipolor also, would you tell me what the school does to help with your son when he does things at school? cause all my sons school believes in in disipline,detention or suspinsion or putting in a room to sit at a desk by his self! my son is 12. what should i have them do? sincerely ur friend kat
Dave – Sometimes I feel as if the bipolar is running “neck and neck” with me EVERY day…I take my meds religiously, follow a treatment plan, see my psychiatrist and therapist, and get proper rest, and still – the spectre of bipolar hangs like “Damocles Sword” above my head.
It’s just KNOWING that I have this mental illness – and that even when I have followed the complete regimen and had TWO episodes while ON my meds and doing everything right – the bipolar WILL attack, and all the good I’ve done is for nothing.
When I feel hypomanic, I always fear it will segue into a manic episode; not EVERY time, but if I’m not careful, it will. Yes – I enjoy a little “mania,” but NOT enough to go off my meds or tempt fate by going nights without sleeping.
I’m not sure how many bipolar survivors out there are as fearful as I am about another episode – but, they are NOT alone.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love them. Stay sane, and may God hold you in the Palm of His Hand.
To BPSERENITY: As always – I lol…you bring a ray of sunshine into an awfully sad recounting of bipolar ills and problems. THANK you SOOO much for your funnies! They are so VERY welcome!!
Dear Dave,
For the past 25 years I have been treated for”depresion” and have taken every anti depressant known to man kind, yet I seemed to just get worse & worse, I have aleniated every one around me my own family hasn’t spoken to me in 7 years because they feel mI’m seeking attention when I ask for help they said”grow up”It had gotten to the point that on top of being Bi Polar I am agoraphobic because I don’t know what I’ll do if I go out.Thank God I have 2 very special friends ,Cyndi & Stephanie. They brought food to me or I wouldnt have eaten, I had not walked outside my house since November 2007. My friends convinced me that further testing needed to be done that I was sick and needed help, so I volentary committed myself to a physc hospital, Guess who is bi polar! I spent 8 days for them to stabilize me and get me started on the right medication. I felt ok for a few days but now the panic attacks are returning .Is this normal? Thamk you Barbara
Suzannewa,
Don’t ever think that all the hard work you do to live as normal of a life as possible could ever be for nothing. That is so unfair to put on yourself. Please know that God gives each and everyone of us our challenges to endure and overcome in this life. It could be alot worse the way I see it. I’ve suffered from Bipolar disorder for 16 years now and it was so alienating and scary for the first 10 years. But as time went on and things got worse “like waking up in the hospital restrained with only flashes of how I got there” I did the only thing I could think of and pray and pray until I recieved an answer. I decided to study myself and it took some doing but I finally learned a way to help myself and my love ones. When I feel that awful attack coming on I brace myself and those around me for the worst. But somehow after years of hurting people I finally learned a solution to my mood swings. It’s a battle I face alot but I do have some control over myself now. I’d like to chat more if you’d like to do so. I can tell by your statement that you try your hardest to do right by yourself. Alot of others just say ” I’m Bipolar I have an excuse” Seems that way anyhow to me I know plenty of them. Life is what you make of it. I believe that as long as you try to be the best you can be that’s all anyone can really exspect from you anyhow. Atleast you make a consious effort to help yourself.
So all those who fight for theirselves stay strong. And all those who can’t may God be with you in your darker hours!
dear kat, it has taken alot of hard work on my part to get the school to help me. when he was in elementary i went through what you are. go to the school and make them listen to you. take info. on the disorder and make them sit down with you. it was hard at first but dont give up till you get the result you need. they need to relize that what they are doing is not working and you need a better plan of action. when my son has a problem they pull him to the side and let him calm down, if that dont seem to work they call me. when they call i go and get him becouse i know at that point i’m the only one he will listen to. if you can get them to work with you on this it will make not only his life better but theirs also. i noticed you are like me in alot of ways…i’m also a disabled single mother so i can understand this is alot harder on you becouse we dont have the extra support most people do. i wish there was a way i could talk to you one on one. i’ll try to help any way i can. your friend denet
i have a 14 year old with bipolar who flies into rages and just as quickly will become manipulative to get what she wants. she can be charming, witty and is very beautiful. this is a deadly combination for someone with bipolar because people donot see the illness just this very beautiful young girl and assume she is perfection….she can love, hate or alienate a person in such a short time you wonder just what happened ….. we have gone through hell and then out then right back in again…. . she has the intelligence to back up her manipulations and often uses them when you’d least expect it. in general she can be scary, loving ,manipulative, say hateful things, and all these things in a short period of time or the verbal assault can last hours and hours…. . i applaud those who have chosen to deal with this disease as a disease and not something in the head that one can snap out of . you all out there who deal with what we deal with here have my sympathy, my love, and the hope that your days are often better than not!!!!
Hello David,
Thank you for that email. It made me feel so much better, and so much more ‘normal’ if you know what I mean.
My family keep saying that they don’t understand why I’m not better, even though I’m on the maximum doses of medication that I can take. I know they mean well, but that does pile the pressure on even more. No matter how hard I try to be better, they still want more improvement. I just want someone to accept me the way I am right now, and not nag me.
To be fair though, I put the same pressure on myself. I expected to be better by now, and have got very impatient with myself.
Thanks for the reminder that there is no quick fix. I’m going to print out your email for my family to read. Hopefully I’ll feel less of a failure if they can accept what it says.
Take care,
Deborah
dear denet; thank you so much for responding as soon as you did, it ment alot, sometimes i feel all alone dealing with this, see my son also has eplipsey. my son has a IEP at school to help with his learning and his needs. ppl say since he has this IEP he has rights, but i have of yet to see them. im called to the school all the time and its because there suspending him or hes in detention again, i tell them it always doesnt take a disiplinary action and that he needs things explained to him and talked to more than most. alot of the time i can hold his hands in mine and look in his eyes and talk to him calmly to calm him down and he crys and settles down, hes really sorry for what hes done. but most of his teachers want to scream at him and that gets him upset worse and he has seizures i even got a letter from his nuerologist to give them nothing seems to work.one teacher which is (suposibly)a director of special education yells in his face and acts like she cant stand him ,even being in her class. and when he comes home hes been upset all day from this, he has seizures. he doesnt even ride the bus because when he does hes fighting. i feel like this is what the rest of my life is going to be.im sooo tired and if the school would just help a lil ,it would be a lil easier.do you have suggestions? ur friend kat
dear suzanneWA; thank you for your comments about my sister and her husband and my son it was appreciated thanks your friend kat
A note about medications.
Medications are a tool, that is true. Medications affect different people in different ways. That is why it may take many tries to get on the right medication.
People change over time and medications may become ineffective, so a new medication must be found or dosages changed.
In my case, I have several allergies to medications. When a medication quits working I have a dilemma. I had some problems with my medication about 8 months ago. I had to “detox” my system and go off all of the psyh meds completely for 6 months.
This was a scary thing. It waas a risky thing. I had a good plan, a great counselor and doctor and a good support system. Once I was detoxed I started the process again. The first medication gave me side effects that I would not have noticed had I not detoxed first. I went off that med and was another week without medication to clear my system for the next trial.
I have been on the new medication for 3 weeks now and it seems okay.
The key here is that I was monitored constantly and had a plan. I am not a doctor, lawyer or therapist. I am a bipolar survivor who is committed to remaining stable and healthy.
Thanks for your great work, Dave. Please continue to help those of us who are willing to accept the help.
Hi Dave:
Thanks for the reminder that meds or no meds, there is no cure yet for BPD. It is my understanding, from everything I have been reading, that perhaps in my daughter’s lifetime, and if she can come up with enough money, that she can be cured. I have learned throughout my many years of having to deal with Bi-polars to expect the worst and Pray for the best because everyday there may be an episode and it may not be too bad or it may be the worse one yet. All I can do is coach which one is having an episode into calming down and make them realize how much they are hurting the ones they love the most. Believe it or not, most of the time it works, not always, but sometimes, and to me that is a great thing because in my situation I have a daughter and a husband, both with BPD, who seem like they are in competition to see who gets the most of my attention. By the way some of you were wondering where the rage and anger comes from so I talked to my daughter. She said that for her the rage and anger are always there whether it shows or not because she knows she had BPD and will never be totally normal no matter what med she takes. Also I believe this can be genetic disorder, as well as chronic depression, which seems to be prevalent in my family, as 3 of my brothers and a half-brother have all committed suicide and my only sister legally medicated herself to death with oxycontin 40MGs 3 times a day with a history of respiratory system just shutting down. I have emphysema and my Doctor doesn’t want me to take any pain meds because he says the narcotics will shut down your respiratory system. All of these exhibited no signs of BPD, except I do not know about my half-brother as I never met him, his brother told me when we gathered to visit my Dad one last time before he passed on from lung cancer. Other genetic diseases, or passed down from generation to generation, seem to be certain types of cancer, heart disease, alcoholism, etc. because I know my daughter’s paternal grandmother has BPD, her father, and now herself. She doesn’t want to have a baby because she is afraid she will pass it on. And it really hurts me that I can’t tell her for sure that any child she gives birth will not have BPD. Sorry Guys I always seem to right a book while I am here. I get started and can’t seem to turn it off.
this is my first post, I have been reading the blog since Sept. My husband of 29 years was diagnosed with BP in sept of 07. this blog has helped me so much to understand that helping someone get stable can take along time. I have read as many books as I can find but I find the info here to be much more real.
It’s been a year and a half and my finance’ is still trying to get the correct medication combination of three meds., one for bipolar, once for anxiety and the other for depression. Once he stopped combining alchol & meds thought his episodes would be gone; they did lessesn but they are never gone for good. 8 months of Bush Non-alcohic beer and still has episodes. I know he always will and his doctor says there is no way to avoid nor tell when one is coming but we both know that is incorrect. His doctor has never even tried nor mentioned therapy. Think I need to send letter out like David’s course advises.
To JENNPENN: Thank you for your comforting words of encouragement! It always makes me feel good when someone recognizes the effort that I put into the “control” of my bipolar. Although, as you know, there IS no “control” of this disorder – it “controls” US. All I’ve ever done IS pray and pray that I don’t succumb to the mania again.
I have had one, and only one, clinical depression; and that was ONE too many. That was when I had stopped my Lithium, over 30 years ago. I have since been treated outpatient at our Community Mental Health Clinic, and they have succeeded in overcoming my mini-episodes following the deaths of my husbands. Those were the HARDEST things I’ve ever faced; which is not to say I don’t suffer anxiety, panic attacks, and occasional hypomania.
But we who suffer from bipolar ARE made stronger through our suffering. As one blogger put it- Good can come from Bad, and my life now – despite some very bad financial situations – is all I could wish it to be.
Dave, I love your comments about not expecting perfection! Both my husband and son have expected that since they are medication compliant they should never have episodes ever again. The truth is that they can have breakthrough episodes – my son’s psychiatrist has finally gotten this through to him. My husband feels that since he can’t be perfect he is wasting his time.
Unfortunately, my husband is still suffering from depression brought on by the last episode that his dr does not want to treat for fear of putting him back into an episode.
But the reason that I wanted to post was a statement in your e-mail that said that medication was one of the tools – along with support groups ect… Can I tell you that about two weeks (give or take) you sent out an e-mail that said that successful survivors of bipolar did not attend support groups. Now, my husband refuses to go to one. I had him going and he actually said that he was getting some help from it but when he got that e-mail (both of us are on your daily e-mail list) he said “David Oliver said that I should not go to a support group and it is a waste of time.”
Now, I am not angry at you but I wanted you to know what effect that e-mail had and I was surprised that in today’s e-mail you said that support groups should be a part of the bi-polars tool box. I hope that my husband will read this one and decide that maybe he should go back.
My wife works with a young lady whose husband has bipolar and they can’t afford any medicine for him and it’s a tough life for both. Is there any help out there for people who can’t afford this expensive RX??? Thanks. Any help would be appreciated. Kent
dear kent; i saw that you was seeking help for medication assistance for a friend. i use a program that my medication come free it goes by ur income, it is a wonderful program and i wouldnt be able to get my medications if it wasnt for them. it is called…partnershipfor perscription assistance(PPA) it has a toll free number…1-888-477-2669 theres also a web site at http://www.PPARx.org they are available monday-friday 8am-11pm(est)time. i sure hope this helps. ur friend kat
Dave,
A lot o things happened since I began to search on BP.Now, my loved one has been in medication, but really is big the insecurity because ,I don’t know yet the degree of her BP.The medication don’t will be a solution forever.I think that isn’t;the looking for a good doctor with this speciality, and that will be of confidence.I am her only supporter because her husband don’t have the capacity of understand the case ( he don’t know anything about) and her brother don’t want to know.It is as if was an unreal thing.I cannot establish many limits because she has a daughter suspect of deficit of attention and hyperactivity that is depending extremely on me ( she is seven old). I know that is impossible a miracle and that answers and solutions doesn’t come suddelnly amd depends of a long process that inclues study, undestanding and good will. After all your supporter with all that you have done is indispensable and of great value.Many gratitudes. Lilian P.
To SuzanneWA:
That blog was supposed to end by saying God Please Bless you. It is way too early for me to be typing (4:30AM) lol
Hi David,
I was wondering when I received your newsletter yesterday you mentioned that you were doing some hiring. As I am interested in sending you my resume or more information about myself, I tried to forward this information to you but it was returned. Could you please direct me as to where to send this information to you.
Thank You
Donna