One of the Worst Things That Bipolar Can Cause

Hi,

How’s it going?

One of the worst things that bipolar disorder can cause is a distortion of the truth.

Now is that the same thing as a lie? Not necessarily. There’s a difference.

This is what I mean:

You know that bipolar disorder is a chemical imbalance of the brain, right? Well, when those chemicals misfire, it leads to a thought imbalance as well – a distortion of the truth.

Your loved one’s thoughts are no longer rational, like when they go on spending sprees, or exhibit inappropriate sexual conduct, excessive gambling or other risky behaviors.

This is especially seen in loved ones who are showing psychotic features – meaning that they have delusions (irrational ideas, thoughts, and beliefs) and hallucinations (seeing and/or hearing things that aren’t really there).

When you’re dealing with a loved one in a bipolar episode and they’re not “themselves,” they are most likely in a state where they are experiencing a distortion of the truth.

You may see things one way, while they’re seeing things an entirely different way. No matter how much you argue your point, they won’t agree with you. They’re not trying to give you are hard time — they truly do, at that time, believe what they’re saying is the truth.

See the difference I’m talking about between outright lying and distortion of the truth?

This is one of the things I talk about in my courses/systems

below, because it can be so damaging to your relationship:

SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?

Visit:

http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11

SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?

Visit:

http://www.bipolarparenting.com

HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?

Visit:

http://www.survivebipolar.net

In the worst manic episodes, there’s also a distortion of reality that can even be classified as hallucinatory. The reality that your loved one is experiencing isn’t the same reality you’re experiencing, so if your loved one tells you that her mother slapped her, she may truly believe that.

If you ask your mother-in-law later and she says she brushed something off her daughter’s cheek, they may both be telling the truth, as they understood it at the time.

Even if it is the truth that you are the mom and your daughter did, indeed, slap you, when your loved one is in a state like that, the only thing you can do is either agree with them or leave them alone.

In more cases than not, they won’t even remember the behavior after the episode is over; after they have returned to rational thought.

When your loved one is in an episode, it can also be that they simply can’t control their ability to lie or tell the truth, because they aren’t in touch with reality. This isn’t really their fault – it’s the episode, and their irrational thought, their distorted thinking caused by it.

When the episode is over, your loved one’s distortion of the truth will pass, too.

Don’t give in to the urge to start a fight with them about whether they’re “lying” or not while they’re in an episode. Or, if you do, don’t be surprised if they don’t even know what you’re talking about. It’s a matter of winning the fight just to lose the battle.

It’s about choosing your battles. Since you know that this perception will pass with the episode, why waste time and energy arguing about it now?

Better to save that energy to address the more important lies – the ones that can cause permanent damage (lies to therapists, lies to c.redit card companies, lies to you) – the real lies.


What do you think?

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David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.

  1. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this today. I believe my on again off again boyfriend of twelve years is bi-polar. He has episodes just like you describe. We have four children together and I can not just turn my back on him. My family and friends think he is just taking advantage of me when he does the things that he does and my best friend talked to her friend who went to school for psychology about it. She told her that not all people who are bi-polar walk out on their families. I tried to explain to her what was going on because we have gone through this before because he will not admit that he has a problem. He does lie and then he believes his own lies. I needed to hear that that is a part of the disorder. I guess I just needed proof in my own mind. Thank you

  2. Dave, I must respectfully disagree with you about your statement, “When the episode is over, your loved one’s distortion of the truth will pass, too.” My 22-year-old daughter is bipolar. Her “reality” is extremely distorted as is very common with people with bipolar disease. However, she has never seen the real truth even when she is not experiencing an episode. If anything, her “reality” becomes even more real to her over time. I have spoken with her psychiatrist about this and he says unfortunately, that is how most people with bipolar disease are – they have a very different view of the world. And no time did he ever indicate this view would or even could change. The problem is, they convince themselves of their reality and do believe their reality with all of their being. Again, over time, their perception of reality even becomes stronger in their mind; therefore, making them incapable of believing anything else. To say this is frustrating for a parent of a person with bipolar disease, is the understatement of the year! And yes, even the best of us will argue our point on many occasions. Thanks for letting me share my view.

  3. oh my god where has this info been ,i raised a boy who was bipolar but nobody at the time listened to me ,one day he hit me in the back with a baseball bat,and like the snap of a finger asked me to take him to his friends like what just happened never did and that was only one of the many thousands of things that he did ,i really feared for my life and my daughters i had him put in a home after nearly killing us, he is no 22 and worse than ever in and out of jail currently in ,my worst fear for him and others is that he is going to kill someone or be killed he was properly diagnosed with bi polar and a few other disoders but refuses meds or help ,what can i do to help ? the lies never stop and dilusional doesnt even describe this boy i tried to have him commited because he was heavily inti herion and with the bipolar he was unreal ,but is it normal for a bipolar to be able to turn it on and off ,he always knew how to snow these people into thinking life was hunky dory how ?

  4. yup, my frined claims she went to solicitor yesterday to find out if she can leave flat or not. climas solicitor told her has to stay there till January next year. i want her to be honest with me and if she does not want to coome and join me in glaston bury uk then have the guts to say so but she wont. im down here in small van waiting for her to arive yet alll i get down the phone in london is feeble excuses. anyomne know how to distinguish lies over the phone network. its bloody impossible.

  5. I HAVE GIVEN UP ON MY DAUGHTER FOR THE LAST 2 DAYS BECAUSE SHE MAKES FUN OF EVERYONE IN PUBLIC AND HAS 3 HOUR RUN ON SENTENCES, AND HAS NO INTEREST IN ANYONE BUT HERSELF AND HER BROKEN UP MARRIAGE, I HAVE TO STAY AWAY FOR MY OWN SANITY RIGHT NOW. I LOVE HER SO MUCH BUT I AM SO WEAK EMOTIONALY , I AM FALLING APART
    A HEARTBROKEN MOM

  6. I really needed to hear this also. I have been dealing with my daughters diagnosis since Jan. 08. I still have a hard time with the lies or the way she views or hears things that are not exactly how they happened or meant to be.

  7. Dear Dave, the distortion present with bp you speak of-and that from experience-focuses on the fact that bp is not a ‘moral’ disease. If a person has dementia would we upbraid them for their fuzzy thinking-a result of a brain dis-ease-? Bp is no different-it is a brain dis-ease-it has no moral solution or cure-otherwise medication would be a ‘moral-fix it’ actor. Bp sufferers still have an idea of right and wrong, truth and lying-they are convinced-let that read absolutely convinced they are telling the truth-and they are. Let me explain if someone believes that their delusion is true then sticking to it-as if the bp sufferer can do otherwise(remember IT is a dis=ease of the brain, the organ with which you think)-is to them telling the truth and agreeing with you is believing a lie. Bp is an ‘Interpretation’ affliction of the brain. That is they interpret the world and happenings in it according to THEIR perspective, regardless of the real facts. THEIR view is to THEM the real facts-the fabrications of a dis-eased brain-WHEN not addressed by medication.

    Dave, you especially addressed the mind-set of the bp supporter when faced with this situation-thank you we really need to sift the tares from the wheat and pick when to speak up.

    thanks again Dave,

    Neville.

  8. I really needed to here this today. I was having a hard time making it through today. I am in the process of getting my wife some help. I think see is bi polar, see has all of the signs. This is hard to get her help when
    does not see a problem. She gets enraged when I mention she needs to she a specialist. She tells me she does not love me and to leave her alone. Her perception of me is totally wrong. I have worked a lot of overtime in the last couple of years to make ends meet, and she believes in her mind that I do not love her or she does not love me. By the way working a lot to pay the bills, sound familiar. She has gotten credit cards without my knowledge and hides the bills. She spends hours a day and into the night on the computer chatting with men and sending them photos of herself; some of them are inappropiate if you know what I mean. I just keep telling myself that this is the bi polar and it is not herself. Thanks have a good day.

  9. David I do agree for the most part. Arguing with my son when he was in an episode wasn’t even something I thought about. If he wanted to believe we were related to Julius Caesar or that his cousin was on TV in a music video, well, what harm is there in that? I tried to explain our heritage to him, but his response was “well, they did travel back then”. I figured out real quick that is was pointless to argue. Luckily he wasn’t violent during his one and only episode (so far) and the meanest thing he said was that he hated me.. which threw me for a bit of a loop as it just came out of the blue and out of context to what we’d been talking about. Again, I disregarded it. I knew it wasn’t my son talking. I feel fortunate that he is taking his meds and hopefully he’ll continue doing well. He just finished his mid terms at college and did very well on them. With each of these accomplishments my fears of him not being able to live a “normal” life diminish a bit.
    Thank you David for all that you are doing.

  10. thank you so much for helping me to understand this condition.i all most had my boyfriend arrested.he is bipolar but will not accept it.he will not see a doctor or take any meds,i did not realize he was going thru so much.again thank you .you saved us from many of heartbreaks.keep up the great work.Jeanene

  11. Reading this was very comforting for me. My husband can go off the deep end, attack me, disgrace the kids and still not think anything about it. The sad thing is that the terrible feelings that he stirred while saying or doing these things, don’t go away for me. I personally don’t like him when he treats us that way and these feeling simmer. You are right about the arguing…I have learned to give it up and walk away. Not worth it. He wants to think what he wants to think. I will not walk away when the kids are involved! He hasn’t been dx’d with bipolar. He has been dx’d with high blood pressure recently and trying to reduce that by diet. Doc wants him to take meds and he doesn’t want to. Told him to make sure he has his life insurance paid up. But thats a whole different story, huh? How do you get someone to get help with bipolar when they don’t even think anything is going on?

  12. This is so true, and the reason that my recently diagnosed husband is asking for a divorce. He was deployed in another country when he had a psychotic break due to lack of sleep and stress. He ended up in the E.R. and when he awoke was in a psychiatric ward. A couple of co-workers were suppoesed to accompany him to his room, but he ended up in the E.R. instead. His boss told me that he was behaving inappropriatly. Durring all of this he spent all the money that he had to get him through the year and would call me to talk on and on. His behavior was so different than what I was used to. I asked him to tell me what happened when he ended up in the Psych ward and he believes that he was tricked into going there. From here it all went down hill. He accuses me of being the one to keep him going to “headshrinker” and MRI appointments.
    He says that he begged me to be his wife and I was just his Dr. and he doesn’t think that he can ever get over that. At times he feels I did this on purpose and other times he realizes that I was “very concerned”. He is so easily irritated and sarcastic that at time it is hard to have a conversation with him. He was home from over seas for 2 weeks and has now moved out of the house. As soon as he is retired ( in 3 months) he is going to go back to the country all of this happened in to “become whole again.” Then he will be home to pick up his vehicle to take a road trip across the U.S. to his home town. He is doing all of this even though we have two young children. I never in a million years would have believed that he could ever want to be away from his children electively. It is very difficult. We have been married 14 years and his Psychiatrist believes that he has always been BP but that we had adapted to it. But now it seems as if it has gotten worse and he refuses to believe that he is BP and refuses to take medication. My therapist says that I am lucky that he wants a divorce and I should give it to him and focus on my children.

  13. I am at my wits end with my boy friend of 3 years. I always think he is lying to save himself, but just like you said, it may simply be a distortion of the truth. He will say one thing one minute, then go against what he just said the next. At times I feel like he is making me crazy. He does go through episodes of being kind and sweet and wanting to be with me every day.Then, like a switch as Penny stated, he can be so mean and impulsive and want to be alone. The consistent thing about him is that he is inconsistent. Displaying adolescent behavior as a 40 year old. He’s also experienced a brain injury and never went on anti depressants. When he drinks hard alcohol, he becomes vile. He once got so angry with me that he through me into a wall, head first. I never saw it coming as he was walking behind me. He then days later repents in such a sad, sorriful way, I end up giving in. Dave, can you please help me to find a support group in CT? I am sick of feeling hurt, sad, disappointed. I am tired of his inability to commit. I am in my 30’s and have never been married. I have tried to help him over and over again. What do I do????????

  14. Wow. I am so glad to finally hear that this is true. I have always thought that the reason he does this is due to his bipolar. I have caught him in so many lies, and days later he has no clue that it happened. My husband and I have a hard time with this because we never know when he is telling the truth or not. I am forwarding this information on to him, so that maybe it will help him understand too. I just wish that I knew this long ago.. Thank you so much.

  15. Hi Dave

    Thank you so much for what you do it has sure helped me I have bipolar disorder and with your emails, a great doctor, a great plan, and an awesome support system I am a normal functioning person. Unfortunaley my 25 year old son is also bipolar but flatley refuses to accept the fact. He gets into a lot of trouble, serious trouble, and when you try to talk to him his thoughts of what happened are completely different from what actually happened. I wish I could get him to see how much better life can be if he would just get help. I am worried not only for his safety but for the safety of others around him as he is very volitile and can be very violent. Last week I had to have the police remove him from my home, I was assaulted and my home and car took some damage as well when I spoke with him last night again his thoughts of what took place are way off from what did happen. I could tell that he felt bad but he just would not take responsibility for what he did, I didnt push the issue I dont see any sense in that. Again Dave thanks for all you do I look forward to your daily emails you have been a hugh helping hand in helping me become stable. I wish I could get my son to read your daily writings then maybe he might see.

  16. Hi David, your info is mostly true today, but I would like to point out something: Bipolar I sufferers seem to suffer from delusions a bit more than Bipolar II. And if they are correctly medicated, there is no reason for them to lie any more than the next person. True, when they are in an episode they certainly DO lie, and BELIEVE their own lies. I went out with a B/P I fellow for 2 1/2 years, so I know about that first-hand.
    Myself, I’m B/P II and I did used to lie quite a bit BEFORE I was diagnosed, I could look my parents right in the eye and lie to them, or my boyfriend, or anyone else. But since my diagnoses in 2006, and subsequent medication which has been altered several times till they found the right “cocktail”, I no longer feel the need to lie to anyone. If the truth happens to be unpleasant, I won’t necessary “blurt” it out to hurt their feelings, but I won’t lie either.

  17. As someone w/ bipolar disorder I can both agree and disagree w/ what youve said here. Yes my reality becomes so distorted, so irrational at times that I wonder if I will ever come back from where Ive gone{ usually not a good place! } And sometimes I can feel myself headed that way & I {only recently}, have been able to talk myself out of a major deal, sometimes I call a friend or my mom, their used to my hysterical phone calls, & I get help that way too. So as far as comming back, it only happens when I manage to see where Im going first. I dont know if that makes any sence to anyone but me so sorry if it didnt help. I know from past exp that my eppisodes affect everyone close to me & I hate that so I try to avoid that as much as I can, after being diagnosed I made a choise to be more aware of the things I do, ie… This is the time of year that I cycle when it gets so much worse for me, and it seems to have gotten worse over the years also which means I have to A] get back on some meds{I hate that!!!} & B] pay closer attention to my eppisodes so I can try to avoid the upset.

  18. I think it is important to get the right diagnosis. My daughter married a person with antisocial personality disorder and he has been to several doctors who told him he was bipolar. But you have to know his history. Antisocial personality disorder has no cure or meds for it. Sometimes therapy can help but unproven. It is a rough life for her. She stands by him but sometimes I think people only change when they are given choices.

  19. Hi David.

    You have been sending me E-mails to me for a little while now. But the thing is I am the one with the disorder, not the supporter. I realize how these things happen and things get mixed up. I was just wondering if you had a mini coarse for the ones With the disorder. If so I would like to be put on that list instead. The ones that you Do send me help a little bit but I think I would take a lot more form them if i didn’t have think of myself as the supporter.

    I would also like to comment on one of your letters about how people kind of… are ignorant to it and say some things that might offend. Like the “Bipolars” label that guy said. I would just like to say you handled that like a champ. I got a kick out of that. That kind of thing happens to me when I talk to someone who doesn’t understand the disorder. But I just end up getting mad and tell them off in the worst way possible and walk away. Leaving them to possibly understand less about it.

    Thank you for what you do. I find myself stabilizing little by little. But it still is very hard to deal with at times. So would like to again request, if you do this, a mini coarse for the ones who deal day to day themselves.

    Thank you so much for all of your time and good luck in all your endeavors.

    Jake

  20. I’m not a person who lives in reality as you put it. To me reality is what is in my mind not what we experience on earth (and even that cannot be seen as reality), think of life after death. Life on earth is a temporary storage of events. How do we think of what we refer to as the reality of yesterday? It’s all in the mind. The truth and reality is just distorted perceptions for us humans. One can argue that pain is reality but not necessary. It can also qualify for being just a perception. If one is looking to earth from a distance and you see the things that are going on here on earth but you do not experience it then you are going to have a different perception of reality than a person on earth. If one goes to the future to a time after the earth has been destroyed then one is going to have a total different perception of reality or if one looks at all events ever taking place as a hole the same, a different point of view is going to be experience of reality.

  21. Dave,

    I have been a supporter of a wife with the disorder. We have been married for over 10 years and she can not come to the realization that she is in desperate need of medical attention. After seeking counciling and the Dr. telling me that she is a textbook case of bipolar disorder. She refuses to get the help and she continues to go down this dark path of self destruction. We just this past weekend spent a lot of money on fixing up the house and I did all the work for her so she could have the house the way she wanted it. At about 2am after 14 hours of work she asks me “How do you think our marriage is”. I told her I think that it is OK. We are on the right path and things seem to be looking up. She throws a blow and says that she wants a divorce. She said that she tried. I don’t know what she is taking about. She must have been trying by herself in her head. She says that she does not love me the way that I love her and it is not fair to me. She wants to figure things out on her own and be by herself. What do I say to that? I am asking for help in trying to make sense of of the nonsense that she is saying? What is she saying? Everything that comes out of her mouth does not make sense. She has no idea what she is going to do about anything because I have had to make all the decisions when all she wanted to do is bury her head in a pillow and cry and maybe it will all go away. If I walk away from this I am afraid that she will realize that she can not handle and do something stupid. Please help.

    Regards,

    Jemson

  22. Thank-you so much. This clears up a lot for me. My ex-husband believes he’s the reincarnation of a celebraty’s dead brother. He is very firm in this belief. I don’t challange him on this, but others do. He gets very aggitated when this happens which lead to a bad episode. I’d rather have him this way than psycotic and slitting his wrists.

  23. Dear Dave,

    Thank You for the interesting email today. I am not a supporter I have bipolar with Borderline Personality disorder.
    Do you have a web site for this disorder also?

    I do tell lies to my therapist and psychiatrist. I am afraid if I tell the truth they will hospitalize me. My episodes are foggy. I don’t mean to lie to my loved ones. I just so badly want them to love me. Anyway Thanks again. Soncerely, Sandie

  24. i believe that so much.my daughter and i are both bi-polar severly and this happens alot but its hard to tell which one is telling the truth with us both that way.so what do you do in that situation????i take meds but she does not but i still seem to have the worst but i have alot of stress being a single parent.

  25. Hi Dave,
    I read your message you sent today. I really needed to hear what you said. I know what you mean about a bipolar person being out of touch with reality. My son who is 35 and was diagnosed when he was 19 with Bipolar I disorder has been psychotic, delusional, and hallucinatory like you said many times. His last episode was in August and this was the worse episode ever. You were right about a patient losing touch with reality. It is very frustrating when you have to deal with this problem. My son is still delusional and out of touch with reality so we have to handle this problem carefully. Bipolar disorder can be dangerous for a person. They can get very violent and hurt or kill you and not realize it. I know because I have been a victim of bipolar. Its terrible when you can’t let your son come home to live because you are afraid his next episode will be worse and the next time there won’t be anyone there to pull him or her off of you. I was very fortunate that I was with him in a waiting room at the hospital when I was attack and had security guards there to help me. Next time I might not be so lucky and be killed.
    I don’t know if you have been keeping up with the news but there was a man with bipolar here in SC. that killed a couple with a hammer and didn’t remember it. It came out that he was never diagnosed properly for this disorder and never treated for it. The courts didn’t care about his bipolar disorder or take it in consideration and gave him death. I thought this was terrible for him, his family and also for the victims family. The man that did this was around my sons age. Dealing with bipolar disorder can be hard but if you truly love someone you support them all you can and deal with the issues as they happen.
    Thanks for letting me talk. I need to vent sometimes.
    Thanks Dave for the input. I will continue to read your messages daily.

    Take Care, and God bless,
    Ann

  26. Dave, thank you so much for this email topic I Really needed thid imformation..I was dating a guy who was bipolar I dated him 6 months and he never told me he was bipolar,from time to time he would get irrated very easy and snap with this bewilder look then in just a split second apologize for it and usally brush it off as being over stressed about his job. well after dating him 6 months and caring very deep for him and enjoying our relationship ,I Took his truck in one day for him on my way to work to have his truck serviced which was next door to where I work. on my way home I came up on a road block and I open the dash of his truck to look for insurance cards and in there was a copy of not only his insurance but a copy of his 1099 tax form form where he worked, well as you can guess this 1099 did not match the income he had told me he made.he had told me that he made 80,000 yearly and the 1099 refected 30,000 well this bothered me that he would tell me this, I just did not understand why he would like this, i was crusted I thought we were getting close and everything was great we both enjoyed alot of the same things and we both have been married before and divorced and we both had talked about how it was important to us both to build a honest relationship to be able to trust each other so this whole time I am thinking that he is honest and how wonderful he was to me and my daughter.well after finding the 1099 form, Later that day he called me and we were making plan for him to come over and he would pick up his truck at that time, well I Said to him by the way I went through a road block today and I had to look for your insurance cards.. he said they were in the dash did you find them? I said yes I found them and your 1099 tax form…. When i sad that he went into a rage! it was a voice like I had never heard out of him and he sreamed you GD B- – – — bring my F—– truck home how could you be so F—- stupid and noisy and he went on-and on till I hung up on him.
    I cryed and was crusted that he lied then reacted this way and yet I was falling in love with him I had never seen this side of him… He tried to call me back but I wouldnt asnwer, he called me and left voice mails that were mean and talking nothing like the man i had dated he texed cussing to me.
    I Finally texed him and told him if he wanted to come get his truck I would leave the keys in it and he could come get it but I was not bring it to him, well later that night he dropped his friend off in my drive way and his friend picked up his truck… well I didn’t hear from him the rest of the night but the next day I received these emails that was cussing me and saying really off the wall stuff that made me know something was very wrong then he send me these emails of where he had been senting emails back and forth to other women.. i was very hurt and concerned so I did contact his sister who he is very close to and she said she couldn’t talk about with me and kinda brushed me off, well after about a week of getting cussing off the wall emails I Forward them to his sister to let her see the things he was saying, he was even more angery that I had shown her these emails, but then all of the emails stopped, the texing stopped, from him. Then later after a week his sister called me privatly and told me he was bipolar and he had a episode the first one in almost a year..
    I was crusted!! I Loved him, I enjoyed dating him, but I Never knew one thing about bipolar till that day, then I got on the computer started researching bipolar and trying to find out all I could about this illness. That how I found your website Dave and I can not tell you what a blessing it is to get your emails.. Its been 7 months now since we broke up and he won’t even talk to me, I have emailed him letting him know that I do care and I would love to talk to him,. once he told me to go find me a good man, that he was not the man for me.. which really broke my heart, then the next email I sent him asking if we could talk about things, he said he was not bipolar and he hated me and for me to get out of his life..
    7 months later and I still miss him at times and I care about him but yet I am so CONFUSED about what is the truth about him and what is not..
    I wish he would have told me he is bipolar so I could have learn more about it before this happened, but I don’t know if he didn’t trust me to tell me about it or if he is in denial about, he is on medications but I tought it was for diabetes and blood pressure medication only, his sister wouldn’t talk much about it, and she apologized for his behavior..
    I went through guilt, anger of my own, to being so confused, but yet the guy I was dating before this was wonderful..

  27. David, you said, “You know that bipolar disorder is a chemical imbalance of the brain, right? ”

    Actually, current thinking is that BP is a bit more than that. Yes, it is generally widely accepted it is caused by some chemical imbalance issues due to several errant genes (not just one gene, as was once previously thought to be the case.) But this does not explain why people with those same errant genes don’t develop Bipolar Disorder. More researchers are concluding that BP is cause by a cocktail of errant, (inherited) genes AND ENVIRONMENTAL factors, just as is also the case with schizophrenia.

    Moreover, research scientists in the UK are also working on the theory that there are different types of BP way beyond the symptom definitions of Type 1 and Type 2. They are currently testing to see if different combinations of errant genes cause specific BP symptoms. I’m one of the “guinea pigs” for this study, me and a few more thousand subjects!

  28. Dear David, I never thought lying was part of having a bipolar disorder. I experienced this with my fiancé and it hurt.

  29. Neville (et al)

    IMO I think you are both right and wrong. I think there are shades of grey, where some in a BP episode are not aware of what is fact and what is not. (In such cases it is not lying – lying is when someone deliberately seeks to deceive.) In some other cases their judgment is impaired and they misinterpret things and give wrong information, not false. There are those who lie because they are like that anyway, regardless of their BP, and they may be seeking to deceive for dishonest reasons. Then there are those who lie to spare themselves stress because they know stress – or at least too much of it – is more than their fragile state can bear.

  30. Once again, WOW! I am completely amazed at how one-sided this all seems to be. Someone…I mean SOMEONE…needs to step up and say what it truly feels like to be the target of the person with BPD. Believe me, it isn’t fun…and many of you seem to know that. So…what do we do about this? I keep feeling the need to ask this question, yet I still feel I get no answers. Is it that we “survive” by staying away from the BP person? Certainly that is a hurtful resolution, don’t you think? Why does it have to be that way? I feel really, really let down and ignored. It may not be the BP person’s fault, but it certainly isn’t MINE either! Am I the only one struggling with this “no answer” feeling?

  31. Iin all 3 of my hospitalizations for full-blown mania, I had a religious delusion. No one could talk me out of my belief; it was just too real to me. And, to make things worse, I “acted out” sexually, in contrast to my delusion!

    At the State Hospital, I was asked by a student nurse why I believed I was pregnant (I wasn’t). I thought about it for awhile, and just said, “I just KNOW it.” It took almost 6 months for me to lose the religious delusion, and come back to reality.

    Sometimes, I, as a bipolar, WANT to believe the delusions because they become “comfortable,” and explain WHY certain things happen outside of my ability. Of COURSE, close sexual encounters FEEL good, but they are fraught with danger.

    I ALWAYS felt that God sent me to an institution when I was manic, to remove me from the “real” world where I could either hurt someone, or be hurt. AND – this has ALWAYS been the truth.

    I caution supporters to try NOT to argue with their bipolar loved one when they are delusional; NOTHING you say can convince them they are wrong. The chemical imbalance is sooo strong that, at least for me, believing the “lie” is all.

    BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. My prayers are with you.

  32. Hello
    My soon to be X wife has not been diagnosed with bipolar but I have been reading your articles and really think that she maybe. This lying / bent truth thing really hit home except the lie grows with time and is twisted up so bad that it used to take me awhile to figure out what she was talking about. I would dismiss it as memories fade as time goes by or something. And now I ask HOW DO YOU ALL GET SOMEONE YOU THINK MAY BE MENTALLY OR EMOTIONALLY ILL TO GO TO TREATMENT?

  33. Dear Dave,
    Do you have any information or a segment/seminar regarding bi-polar and extramarital affairs? I believe my father-in-law is exhibiting bi-polar behaviors (one of his daughters has been officially diagnosed- type one). He has been having and continues to have an affair yet he flat out lies about it… going on gambling trips with this other woman “as friends”, etc. (We have email correspondences that verify that it is indeed an emotional and physical affair!) I am curious if you have any insight regarding families destroyed by the betrayal of affairs due to bi-polar disorder and how we can cope with this. It is destroying my husband’s family and breaking hearts all around. Thank you so much for any insight you may have… I realize that lies go with this disease/disorder (my sister also suffers from type one b.p.), yet I don’t know how to deal with the betrayal of an affair… especially one that continues to go on as they continue to lie about it. How does one cope with that? Thanks again…
    Adrena

  34. Shelley

    Yes, this problem probably isn’t your fault, anc it’s probably just part of a typical BP delusion (or even a consequence of some BP symptom, such as sexual promiscuity leading to adultery. BUT is it important to consider, what if it IS my fault? How could it be? Let me give you a simple example:

    When I am on a particularly nasty “downer”, perhaps a slightly mixed one where I am feeling especially nervous and vulnerable, at such a time I don’t want company, I don’t want anyone near me because like it or not, just being with someone causes an emotional link between the two. However, when I am in such an episode, I am alr4eady struggling with my emotions and the last thing I want or need is to have that fight within myself made more difficult by having to keep company with someone. So, if I am asked, “How are you today?” I will usually lie: “I’m okay.” I’m not okay but I lie because telling the truth may cause unwanted attention – i.e. sympathy (sometimes it can be soooo hard not to cry when people are nice to you at just such a time that crying is too much to take!), inappropriate advice (“what you need to do is…” when I KNOW already what to do – i.e. keep away from people and rest!), enforced company (“I’d better sit with you…” , or a mixture of both (“You need company …” I damn well don’t! “…I’m taking you shopping …”)

    Now, all those lies are simply a strategy to avoid unwanted attention from a potential or actual “supporter”, and that IS the supporter’s fault because they don’ know when to back off and give the person with BP the space they need.

    You see, what very few people fail to understand is that there are times when the best way to help someone with BP is NOT to help them, to keep out of the way and let them deal with the problems inherent in some kinds of episode that they know how to handle and to let them get on with it, not get in the way. The problem is, however, many (most?) supporters do get in the way n these occasions, and we with BP have to find strategies to drive them away to get the space we need: That may be lying, it may be being horrible or insulting, and in the worst cases, that may also be violence (which I suspect is what arises when the supporter refuses to listen to the cries of the person with BP to be left alone.) You see, it might be a lie to you, but it may be a way to survive an episode for the person with BP.

  35. I have bipolar, So you have no idea how much I get out of reading this.
    My husband has told me stories about things I did or things I have said and I don’t remember them that way or I don’t remember them at all. My husband is the greatest man I know, He is my hero. My husband has stood beside me through thick and thin . If my husband would of given up on me I would more then likely be dead. He is the one who talked me into going to a Dr. and getting help. That was not to long ago. I had to fall flat on my face and 14,000 dollars in debt . I had crashed into a world of depression. It was then I knew I needed help. This was not the first time I had done this kind of thing. I would leave my husband every time and It was always his fault and everyone was wrong. That was always my thinking at the time of a episode. I could go on and on about the things I have done to my family and loved ones.I new I had to do something For me and my family. It was hard at first to accept I had a illness. I now have a therapist and psychologist to help me stay grounded. So please if you have a loved one who has bipolar or you think has bipolar, don’t give up on them. Get them the help they need and pray for them. My husband read a lot about bipolar. He knew I had bipolar before I did. But I had to crash before I got the help I needed and looking back on all the things I have done, believe me it was hard because I’m not the kind of a person to do those awful and hurtful things to anyone. So please get all the information you can . Thanks to you Dave me and my family can better understand this illness.

  36. SHELLEY, I know how you feel. Graham has already explained the situation very well. My boyfriend (bipolar) has been fairly down recently and wants to be left alone most of the time. Usually I respect that and give him the space he needs knowing that he will come back when he feels better. It is a little more difficult when I feel down, as I’m the opposite and feel more down when I’m alone. I need (his) company to feel better and he needs space to feel better. I’m glad that I have other friends, although they don’t understand him. I just have to bide the time and wait. I have been through a manic episode with him and stuck by him knowing that he will be himself again how ever long it may take. He spent 6 weeks in the psych ward and can’t remember much of what happened. Mania is worse for the supporter to experience, while I think depression is probably worse for the bipolar survivor. Neither is pleasant, especially if you have no idea how long it may take and if new meds are going to work or need to be adjusted again. But if you love each other you will get through it together and all these experiences can strengthen your relationship.

    GRAHAM, Bipolar disorder is said to be extremely complex and doctors and scientists are still trying to work out what causes it and how many versions of it there may be. Possibly a lot more people may have some variation of it than was previously believed. As there is usually some sort of upheaval in life that triggers the first episode, the environment has a lot to do with it. e.g. A person may have all sorts of bipolar genes and chemicals, but (is lucky enough to) lead an easy stress free life. S/he may never develop the disorder.

  37. For over six years, I have been lying to myself. I have been hurting myself emotionally and physically. I seek help, but I am really lying that I want help at all. I’ve seen at least a dozen professionals, none of whom have helped me. Although each and every one had a fault, I could not overlook their deficiencies to see my own.

    I am angry, but won’t admit to my anger. My anger is at myself….anger turned inward. I do harmful things to ‘act out’ my anger, but I only hurt myself and those around me. I have done nothing to help myself and all my efforts to seek help thus far have been in vain. I have lost the love of many. I no longer have the people and things that have meant most to me.

    I have found that instead of working with these professionals, I have worked against them. Instead of trying to make things better, I have only made them worse.

    I have only thought negatively, rather than positively. Instead of saying “I can,” I make excuses for why “I can’t.” I don’t try now because I fear failure. I have failed because I have been lying to myself.

  38. Dear David,
    YOUR Observation about distrtion of Truth by the Loved ones is so very true that we can relate it to our SON who is suffering from BIPLOAR Disorder. We really really need ur HELP…..

  39. At last you have finally explained what has been going on with my daughter. Although i realized it (in my inner brain) i had never realized what was going on with my daughter until you succinctly explained it. Many times i just let her say what she believes is true and them sometime later, she will reverse herself and say something entirely different. I noticed it more when she actually started taking her meds and i saw very clearly what was going on with her. I also saw her different reactions while trying to raise her son and poor baby is so confused. 2 yrs old and he is always telling her “I’m sorry”, and he hadn’t done anything except be a 2 yr old. She and her son are lucky i and the other grandma are around and take care of him most of the time. Now today she tells me she is pregnant (again) and tell me she will not keep the baby. I pray she stands by that. I can’t take it if she decides to keep the baby. I love her but i know how she is and it be terrible if she tried to raise another child because me and other grandma are raising her son now. She knows it but she won’t admit that’s true (I have so many health problems it’s not funny). Too many “boyfriends” and she doesn’t seem to understand her mania and she goes in and out of these phases. I just pray i can make it through another day.

  40. I wish you really knew my situation, though. It has never been that I have tried to be in her face, so to speak. This all reared its ugly head out of the blue about 2+ years ago and made no sense whatsoever to anyone who knew her. She was 48-50 when this started. You wouldn’t believe all the people who contacted me because they wondered what was wrong with my sister. I, of course, had no idea because she ALSO put me at arm’s length. A strategy? I wonder. I don’t think SHE had any idea what she was doing. She WAS delusional, something I figured out on my own, last January. She also was being manipulated by a person who was unsavory, to say the least. A sort of cult leader. She bought his bologna, hook, line and sinker! She was placed on administrative leave by her school last May and is now back on track, remarried to her husband that she divorced last December, etc. BUT she now treats me like I am the Big Bad Wolf. And we were ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS close. I’m sorry, but I cannot see a “strategy” here. Supposedly, she is on meds and in therapy, but no one…not even the husband who was CLOSE TO MY HUSBAND AND ME throughout all the junk he went through regarding the divorce, etc…will tell me (her closest blood relative) anything. Nothing. I’m upset, angry, ticked off, whatever you want to say, that she WON’T even give me the chance to let her see I am not going to ask any “invasive” questions, etc. And even when I try to email, she twists things around to slap me in the face. I am her only sibling. Will this ever end, or is she pretty much lost to me now? Is it that she hates me so much because I represent something she isn’t/doesn’t have? I just want people to know how HURTFUL this is to the supporters…yet I am not even allowed to be a supporter. And that hurts, too. Does anyone get this, too?

  41. Nightlady

    Yes, what you say is also my understanding of the current causes of the causes of BP, too. (Not sure I made that plain in my first note.)

    Indeed, I am taking part in a mass study – well, my blood is! – that is seeking to determine if there is a correlation between different errant genes and specific BP symptoms. It will be very exciting if this is found because the scientist can then look for a causal relationship, not just a correlation, and from there seek to find “magic bullets” to target the specific types of BP that may be discovered. (Lest anyone does not know the difference between a causal relationship and a correlation … example: There is a correlation between having a sore throat and a headache when you have a cold, but neither one causes the other. However, they share a causal relationship with the virus that is responsible for the cold. So, just because an errant gene has correlation with a BP symptom it wont necessarily mean the errant gene causes the symptom – there coild be something that causes an errant gene and the symptom, like the cold causes a sore throat and a headache or headache and running nose.)

  42. Dave

    What you are saying about not living in reality during an episode is so true. I am bipolar and during episodes I am completley irrational, delutional, argumentative and aggressive. It is the disorder controlling me but it is up to me to get help and take me medications. For anyone who feels threatened or has been physically attacked by their Bipolar loved one you can have them comiitted if you think they are a danger to you, themself, or anyone else. I think this is the best way to get someone help if they wont help themself. After that they are responsible for their own mental well being, they need to stay on the medications that work for them to keep themself stable ect. If someone refuses to get help for bipolar it becomes their own falt. We with Bipolar disorder need to stay on our medication to be stable. Aimee

  43. I was so confused before i read all the info & coments on BP Disorder and truly believed that my husband is BP and now after viewing this I surley believe he is. Someone mention about shopping sprees. Well my husband spends money like there is no tomorrow and when the account is very low he starts ?ing where all the money went like I spent it all. He has accused me of stealing money from him and wants me 2 start writting down all the bills I’v paid and figure the money and ? me where the rest of his money went. He works off for 30 days and I have 2 be home and in the house by 9 0r 10 at the latest or im acused of running around and he gets very Irate. I have taken so much of that til I now just hang up the phone and he later calls back asking me if I’m o.k and calm now.
    He worries very much about what people think and what they see of him. He is mostly a good man and a very good provider, but he refers to all things being his. Like the house and vehicles and the money he makes. Like when he drinks is the times when he’s the worst. He flurts badly w/women/friends of ours during a party/cook-out and later acuses me of not showing him any attention and I was flurting with everyone. I try to make sure I talk to no male because I know what will happen and it still happens. After everyone is gone he keeps nagging at me trying 2 make me argue w/him and he ends up in this rage and he tells me 2 get out of his house or he goes 2 bed and then wakes up around 4am and starts calling me a W—e and a stupid B—H and then tells me 2 get the H–l out of his house, so here I go walking down the rd. at 11pm or 4am because he will not let me have any of our 3 vehicles. He says they are his. Either the next morning or the next day he will call me telling me to come back home. This happens real often, but not everytime he drinks. If I mention BP he gets real mad. He says he needs 2 slow down on his drinking, I do agree w/that! I guess my ? is, does BP and Drinking colide? It’s like he has episodes but they are worse when he drinks.

  44. shelly — what you are experiencing is not wrong, and i identify with your frustration because there are times (more often that i like) when i feel the situation with my partner is beyond my grasp or reasoning. but where our situations differ appears to be that you’ve been shut out of your sister’s life. even if there was still some type of closeness between the two of you, the dynamics would be changed and you would be forced to redefine the relationship and, at the least, your role. my notion of what an intimate relationship use to mean has taken a radical turn as i witness a myriad of presentations and posturing, affecting my thoughts and feelings while altering the course of days. i could go on, but i view you as atleast being fortunate for not being so closely involved. i also see your dilemma as a reflection of something many supporters and loved ones go through, in fact, so much so that i’ve decided to return to school in order to eventually provide services to supporters and significant others. our roles in the relationship have been diminished when i believe that we are key in our loved one’s recovery. further, we are left to our own devices in terms of dealing with the wreckage and are the first, oftimes the only, to shoulder the blame and guilt (my girlfriend looks at my return to school as a threat)as we are continually manipulated and lied to. dave has described one reality; that of the delusions and distortions that are characteristics or symptoms of both bipolar I and II. i believe that many times this behavior is part of their survival and coping skills, and their ability to continue these reprehensible traits are absolutely a betrayal. yet there are other times when reality is so distorted its a wonder they can manuever in the world at all. i don’t know if this is any help to you, shelly. i dare say it won’t alleviate your pain, but you will have to come to terms that your relationship with your sister (and brother-in-law) has changed and that there is no telling what baseline or recovery looks like for her until it’s finally acheived (if it hasn’t already). for your sake, deal with your feelings in whatever productive manner you deem appropriate, live your life and perhaps in the not too distant future the situation will become more amenable towards a rewarding and satisfying reunion 🙂

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