Dear David,
I just read your email on the “good mom”. I’m here to tell you THANK YOU!!! You are a HUGE help to us. My daughter-in-law was just diagnosed bipolar the end of January and while we are still in the “working things out” stage, you and your information has been a lifeline for us. While I would like to order ALL of the materials
that you offer, we can’t afford them right now, but regardless, I understand that you must charge for them. Bless you for being courageous enough not only to share your family’s but also to share all of your efforts. There definitely IS hope and you have been a big part of giving us that hope. Just wanted you to know! Have a beautiful day!
Connie D.

My husband and I have been dealing with our son’s bipolar issues for 5 years. He has been in a Mental Behavioral Hospital 2 times in those 5 years. He takes Depakote, Risperadal, and Welbutrin. We have gone to counseling with him and have supported him through all this time, but he needs to accept responsibility and does not seem to. He continually shows us how irresponsible he is and then says we don’t trust him. He turned 18 in January and thinks that he is an adult and can do what he pleases even though he pays no rent. He could not make it in highschool so I sold my business and home schooled him, and he got his GED on the first try. He has become emotionally abusive, ungrateful, has an extreme addiction to the computer, has a gambling addiction/money spending addiction to the point that our computer was at the shop for 3 days and he could not wait that long so he took out a pay day loan from Money Tree and spent $900.00. He was like on a high when he came home, stay up all night and will stay on it for 12 hour at atime, forgets to eat, won’t change clothes or bathe for days. It we don’t shake him up to get up even though his alarm clock is screaming at him, he would be late to work and lose his job and then would spend more time on the computer. He has started lying which he did not do before, spends money before he gets it, has a great job at Safeway, which he lost once, but the union got it back for him. When he gets angry he takes off in his car and he has gotten two speeding tickets within a two week spread of each other. What is sad is that he use to be such a social butterfly, loving, humorous, sweet and so considerate. Now we have found that he has either sold or spent some old coins that my father had collected. He says it was not him, but there is an e-mail I saw on his account that he was asking someone how much he could get for some old coins, and 80 percent of the coins are gone. The coins were given to my other son who is in college and were in his room. I had hidden them in the closet, but my younger son found them and when confronted said he thought they were his and he put them in a locked safe and now can not find the key, but he said they were all there, that he would never spend Grandpa’s old coins, “How could you think I would do that?” When we got the safe open, most of the coins were gone. All we have asked of him is to vacuum the house on the weekend, clean the bathrooms, mow the lawn when needed, put the dishes he uses in the dish washer and take out the trash and recycling every night. We have this written on a contract and this is in place of rent so he could save money because he wants to move out. Our stipulation was that if these things did not get done, it was like not paying rent, and he would lose his internet and TV privileges for 24 hours. He thinks since he has his own computer with a wireless remote that he bought that that rule does not matter anymore, so why bother doing the contract. If he can not be on the computer, he just goes to bed. What are we suppose to do? He refuses to go to counseling, he blames us for everything, my husband and I need our life back, but I want to get our son on track. If he can not admit he has a problem, denying he has bipolar yet gets very nervous if his meds are getting low and he is afraid he might run out, just lays around the house and grunts at us when we try to talk to him, what are we suppose to do. We are ready to tell him that if this is the way he is going to act, he act this way some where else. He has tried to leave and stayed away for 4 or 5 days before, but always comes back wiped out and sorry. Sorry is an over-used word by him and so is the 100 mile long list of excuses.
So anybody got any solution, besides trying to outdo my story with yours. I know we are not alone, I read all the blogs and they have been very helpful, but have not read anything about addiction or solutions to it, so please, anything will help. Thanks and God Bless us all. Janet

Of all my supporters my oldest son is the BEST at snapping me out of an episode. I think it is because he has “listened” to me in past episodes and knows how to comfort me. I am fortunate to have all the support(ers) that I do.

Education is definately the key to understaning the disorder and looking at patterns. You almost have to become a detective to find all the clues in order to combat BIP before he/she sneaks up and bites you.

It has been said that we should not only donate money if we are able, but more importantly our time and knowledge. Dave you atleast take the time each day to write a free daily email that helps others. Even if you don’t give all your secrets away you do give some away for free. You definitely donate enough of your own time and knowledge daily!!

I wonder if there would be anyway to get others to donate to your organization to help those who are not able to afford your course. You could set up a donation link on your website and start a list of requests for your materials and as people donate you can send out the materials free of charge to the people on the list (first come first serve). Still charge like you are for those who can afford it but also have a donation link to help those who can not because….

It surely would save lives and families!!

My daughter-in-law is the “great” mom and supporter in our family. We grands support her. Unfortunately, our son isn’t supportive and actually makes things worse. Not only that, he doesn’t learn from his mistakes.

The key to being a good supporter – the key to being able to stay calm and healthy yourself – is excellent self-care. You have to have your own support system in place, and trusted people to give you a break when you need it. You have to eat well; make time for sleep; not allow the needs of other people – even those who are ill – continually supersede your own needs.

Living with a mentally ill spouse *is* difficult. But none of them have chosen to be mentally ill any more than we have chosen to be their supporter. If you’re going to live with a person who suffers this way, you have to accept that it is what it is.

Now, that certainly doesn’t mean that verbal and emotional abuse is acceptable. Boundaries on what will be tolerated are vital. At the same time, boundaries need to be set within a realm that is possible to achieve. Don’t expect irrational people to act rationally. 😉

Oh, and my other daily stressors
include a part-time job, 4 kids under 9, a bipolar husband, and a bipolar child. 🙂

My mom was a wonderful mother,but we were too late my mom was never diagnosed with bi-polar, but showed every sign -high highs low lows, she stole, infidelity, massive credit card debt on more than one occasion and the wrath was awful-the list goes on. She thought she was perfect and did not want or think she needed help. She ended her life March 18, 08. I miss my mom horribly, its so sad. We all tried to help her. I want to help others now. She lied-I truly belive we are in a spiritual warfare and the devil claimed his next victim when he consumed my mom. When i found my mom that morning I knew it was not her, it was the sick one not the loving mom I knew when I was a child because she would never do this to us. My prayers go out to all who are victims and all who are suffering.

HI David

Thanks for your emails. My husband has bipolar. He first experienced it at 19, was hospitalised and then remained fairly episode free for the following 9 years. I met him when he was 20. We had been married 5 years when I experienced his first ‘attack’. He has a rapid onset of religious mania, along with the impression of increased importance, deviates sexually from his norm, stops working and wanders the country, increases spending and paints the picture of either myself or his parents as being absolute Devils in disguise…his writings also support these thoughts.For about 14 years we had repeated episodes, recurring about twice year, with a small 2 year break in the middle and it wasn’t until 11 years ago he was finally diagnosed and treated for Bipolar.

Next month we celebrate 30 years of marriage.We have separated twice during this time. Although part of this was as he had picked up another woman or became engaged in his wanderings. He also has some rather bizare regular behaviour patterns, changes his name, and shaves his facial hair, small thing but has some importance!!

He has been manic free for 11 years, except for a couple of very minor episodes. During this time he has regular visits to his Psychaitrist and keep up his Lithium regime. He recognises manic signs and contacts his doctor when this happens.

However, 6 weeks ago he noticed these signs and took corrective action again. I only found out when I noticed his legs and arms were hairless and his body was next to be clipped. He has announced he wants to be a woman. He has purchased dresses, and woman stuff. At first I coped with this as I saw it as symptomatic, as did his Dr. I now struggle wondering if this is real or part of his delusional state..His moods and sleep are now fairly stable and he has continued work. He still shaves and claims he wants to be a woman. For me this is about the ultimate in rejection as his wife. I am not gay and have no desire to partner a woman!!

Why am I writing, cos I can’t maintain that ‘calm woman image’ you refer to. It sounds like a great theory and I would be the first to agree and have followed it myself with very positive results. What I feel you are missing is you have just condemned me for my failure in being perfect .. Exactly the same response I have from my husbands rejection of me when he is in an episode. You know how exhausting it is to support, and how hard it is to put on the smiley show all the time. It took me years to reestablish a comfortable relationship with my husband. To expect me to be a super woman all the time is not being realistic.
Supporters are also suffers of bipolar, maybe not the symptoms, but definetely the longer term effects. My husband usually gets depressed after an episode but he seems to bounce back a lot faster than I do. I spend years putting the pieces of my life back in order, while he takes a couple of months to forget his bizarre behaviour.

Vicki

Hi,
I think every supporter wants to be the “good mom”, unfortunately most of us don’t even have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder for a loved one until until the behavior of the loved turns us into a basket case. If I had known what I was dealing with prior to having found this wonderful website I would have acted differently towards my husband. Now he’s gone with another woman in another state and I don’t even know if I’ll ever see him again. He left during what I believe to be a major episode and so I’m living what David calls the “Bipolar Doomsday Scenario”. I’ve been told that I’m probably suffering from PTSD and I know I’m depressed and anxious. I’d like to throw an idea out. Maybe once someone knows that they’re supporting womeone with the disorder they should consider anti-anxiety medication for themselves. Peoples’ behavior with the ailment is so unpredictable that it’s hard to avoid confused, quick reactions. I think we all know that these reactions only make the situation worse. Just an idea. Anyone got any feedback on this?

Dear Janet,
My heart goes out to you. I have no real advise…I’m looking for advice myself. I can feel your sadness and anxiety and just want you to know that you’re not alone. It gets to a point when all you can do is all you can do. I’ve been told that the ailment leaves supporters feeling like they’re in the wrong. Why? Becasue we’re not perfect and our loved ones will make that very clear to us, and in very cruel ways. Please don’t be too hard on yourselves. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Linda

DAVE, I am generally a very patient person, which helps in dealing with difficult situations. On the other hand I worry easily too. I make a lot of allowances when I love someone. Your emails have helped enormously. If I hadn’t found your website I would not have learned to understand bipolar disorder and the way it makes people behave. Knowing that it is the bipolar that is rude or mad at me and not my boyfriend deliberately behaving that way helps a great deal in keeping our relationship going. Thank you!

VICKI SWANN, my heart goes out to you. This must be a difficult situation. I don’t know if cross dressing is a symptom of bipolar – I have not heard of it as such. It sounds more like some sort of dissociative personality disorder. Note: I did a psychology course once, but I’m not a qualified psychologist or therapist. The best thing to do would be to get your husband to see a good psychiatrist to discuss the cross dressing in detail. If it is any consolation, most cross dressers are not actually gay.

To MELISS: My deepest condolences on the death of your beloved mother. I’m sure it came as a shock, and you’re not able at this time to deal with all the ramifications of why and how.

Just know that she was NOT in her right mind when she took her life. Your blog indicates that you ARE aware of this. Try to remember the good times you had with her, and that there was absolutely NOTHING you could have done to prevent this from happening. I know the guilt and wondering what you might have done differently will consume you if you’re not careful.

You have my prayers as you assimilate all that has gone on recently. May God bless you real good.

Hi, David!

I’ve just had another call from my Psychiatric Nurse who’s coming over to my place tomorrow morning with a Producer from the ‘British Broadcasting Company (B.B.C.)’, to outline the details of what’s going to be discussed and filmed about Bipolar for the weekly half-hour Documentary Series, ‘Week In – Week Out’, which will be broadcast in the U.K. after the early evening News at the end of May 2008.

Would you like us to try to have this web-site mentioned at the end of the Programme for other people, either with Bipolar or Supporters, please? I need your permission.

I’ve left two e-mails on your other address at ‘Mental Health World’, but realise how busy and tired you are at present.

Please let me know as soon as you can about your decision.

Thanks,

Sue and all the animals. x

SUSIE, although the bit about the big black cat breaking into your friend’s house made me laugh, the other half of the story didn’t. I would never have betrayed my animals like that. My cats (only have one at the moment) and I come as a package. I have met but avoided getting involved with people who are allergic to cats. My boyfriend is the same with his dog. It’ll probably take some time for his dog and my cat to accept each other, but we are working on it and know it’s possible.

Do let us know the date, time and channel that programme is going out, please. Good luck with your filming!

I agree with you David:
As I am a Bi-polar and a recovering alcoholic, and also a BPD supported for the 2 most important people in my life, my daughter and my husband. When the manic episodes start around here if I don’t keep it together enough to talk my daughter down then my home is a very unpleasant place. My daughter and my husband set each other off on, what seems to me, a regular basis. I typically want to lose it myself but I have to remain calm and calm my daughter down so my husband will throw his bi-polar fit and it is over for a while. Until the next time. I used to just say to hell with it and go get drunk but the meds I have to take now do not mix well with alcohol and I spend the day after “toilet hugging”. So I quit the alcohol and just deal with it. It works, I think it raises my blood pressure high enough to be in the heart attack or stroke range lol, but it works. My husband does not believe in Psychiatrists, claims they are all quacks but my daughter and I have had enough experience with our Psych that after I get her back down to normal she helps me with her step-dad, who doesn’t known he is being medicated with the same meds I use for BPD. The meds help a lot because there is a major difference in him now that he is medicated than before but he still needs counseling, but refuses so I will take what I can get and work with it. So I definitely agree and have experienced the fact that with BPD at least one person has to keep their cool to cool off the others.

I find it easy to be the “good mom”, but sometimes it gets overwhelming when you are running interfearence with everyone and everything. (Support my husband) It’s hard to work full time and be full time at home too.