hi david. i’m gwen. how are u feeling today? i recently met someone who is bi polar. i never knew what that is until i met him. we fell for each other right away and everything felt like a fairytale. but i don’t think he is the really bad kind if there are levels of bi polar. he’s very honest about himself. about his life. that his dad left him and his mom when he was 2. his mom passed away when he was 15. and his step dad kicked him out when he was 18. he use to be alcoholic and druggie and rob people for money.and that he is very sensitive still. he also do massages on the side to earn extra money. but its the happy endings massages. and he will have sex with them if only hes horny. but not for money. or so he said. and that hes not bi. because hes not attracted to them or want to be in a relationship with them. its just once in a while he likes to get what he can’t get from a girl. hes very conscience about himself and his surroundings. he use to feel worthless and ugly and always depressed. at 1st when i heard he was into men. i shut him out. but i was drawn to his life that it just made me kept talking to him. now hes a total changed person. his main job is to help out mentally disabled adults. but they adults he works with have a lot of rage in them. and his job is to control and console them. he jogged for breast cancer marathon. he also read a lot of spiritual books. (i don’t know why but i feel like these book can sometimes drown u instead of helping u) haven’t touched drugs and alcohol for 4 yrs. and goes to gym and have a very athletic body. on our 1st date, it was full of affectionate and passionate kisses. but it was just me asking questions. he doesn’t seem very interested to my interests. he just summed me up and tells me what kinda person i am and said hes very good at reading people. which is true. on the second date, he asked me to be his girl and even tho i wasn’t ready i said yes because i felt very drawn to him. (big mistake) after we bed, he was a total jerk i didn’t know. the next day he messaged me and said hey i told u i have bi polar right? and apologized. so we made up and when we saw each other again.. everything was normal. text messaging me every morning with sweet messages and he was telling me he love me already or falling in love with me. of course i didn’t believe but nice to hear. but each time i see him i feel the difference that his feelings are changing. he only misses me when we don’t bed and when i’m away. and he said he likes it when i fight him in bed when i don’t want to. he makes ALOT of promises but none were kept. and he like bed talks like he like hearing that i want to have his babies that i love him. which i couldn’t say because i don’t feel that way. i ask him afterward whats all that about.. he said he wont impregnate me because hes not ready to be a father but he just like hearing it because it turns him on. and that he knows we don’t really love each other but don’t know any other way to express it. but suddenly he stops calling. he stops text messaging me. he wont even come see me unless i go to his place to see him. he was just being really cold. i don’t know if its a guys thing or his disorder. i couldn’t tell. so he went away for a week and int he meantime he messaged me online but i ignored it. i didn’t know what to do. and i didn’t wonna lose him. after 2 weeks of being on my own.. i was miserable. i was depressed and crying all the time. but now that i got better i’m ready to be friends with him so i messaged him to open friend option. 1st thing he told me was hes having a baby with another woman. i felt so numb when he said that. so i said we didn’t talk for 2 weeks and u telling me u having a baby with someone else? r u telling me u have someone on the side while we were seeing each other? and he said i didn’t even know we were seeing each other. wow he was just being a total jerk. but i feel like he said it to hurt me because i ignored his message and he probably saw it coming so he wanted to hurt me. i think hes just looking for lust and he was just not that into me anymore. but i didn’t get where the jerk side of him came out. and he also said he slowly getting off his medication. i know a coworker who use to be bipolar. but he is totally off his medication and he is fine right now. i don’t know what to do. i just wished him luck and said my goodbye. i’m not sure what went wrong in between. it was just a bad vibe. everyone is telling me i’m too good for him and he doesn’t deserve me. that i shouldn’t be with bi polar. that’s asking for trouble. he does have a big impact on me. in a very bad way. i end up having to see a therapist because of him. all i wanted to do is care for him because of all the things he went through. but i know i didn’t fall for him because of pity. id like your insight on this. thank u

Sorry, Wendy, to hear of the way this guy mistreated you. And I hope you are well on your way to developing the kind of self-esteem, and internal alarms that will help you avoid this sort of harmful relationship in the future.

Unfortunately, there are lots of men (and women) in the world who play each other. They hook up with partners, express all sorts of deep emotion, and shower the other with affections. Their promises are worthless, their interests often lie in sexual gratification, money, drugs, or in having a sense of control over the person they claim to love.

There are lots of people who crave love and attention they completely deserve, but that they have not received in their lives. Some people, as a result, tend to bond very quickly with partners, more often the sorts of partners who mistreat them as this man obviously used you.

Often folks with personalities like these are very attracted to one another. A person who is out to use a partner for sex or emotional support finds that someone who feels unloved is an easy target. Someone who really needs to believe he or she is loved by a special partner will often do risky, extreme things. They might well feel sincere affection, and at the same time they feel a very strong desire to keep the partner in the relationship. They do not want to be rejected or abandoned. So they tolerate a lot of unacceptable behavior, which might be physical, emotional, or sexual.

This co-dependent (I agree, that is EXACTLY the right word) pattern in relationships is, unfortunately, universal.

That is, it occurs EVERYWHERE. There is no clinical or sociological evidence suggesting that people with bipolar disorder commonly behave the way this partner did towards you.

This guy disclosed to you, after treating you very badly, that he has bipolar disorder. I obviously do not have enough information to make a judgment as to whether or not bipolar symptoms influenced his behavior.

And the natural leap you made between his illness, his lies, manipulation, and sexual indiscretions is understandable. It’s an explanation.

That, however, does not make your conclusion 100% logical, or accurate. In reality, no one–not me, or you, or your friends, or even this man himself will ever know what part of this horrible behavior, if any of it, happened as a direct result of bipolar symptoms.

It’s even possible, (just another guess) that after treating you so badly, he decided to disclose the diagnosis as a play for pity, or a blanket excuse to continue being so hurtful. In fact, given his history of significant lies, what would have stopped him from making up the information about having bipolar disorder?

My point is not to second-guess you, but to notice that with a partner (man or woman) who abuses others and lies off the cuff, none of us can be sure what he does because of bipolar disorder, vs what he does because he is a selfish, thoughtless, manipulative human being.

I gave a lot of thought to what you wrote, Wendy. And my point is not to split hairs over the true state of this man’s mental health, or the condition of his character.

It’s just to say that I am sorry that these sorts of relationships are so very common. I know as a woman, and as someone who has studied couples/family dynamics that we are all vulnerable to becoming entrenched in co-dependent, abusive partnerships. It doesn’t matter whether we have a label like “bipolar,” or not.

My more hopeful message to you is that, if you can separate this awful experience you had with a person who told you he has bipolar disorder, from your OVERALL impression of ALL people who have the illness, then you will be able to give yourself, and maybe another person, a chance to be in a rewarding relationship without feeling as if you’re doomed at the moment you find out someone other person important to you has bipolar disorder.

You might be right…for you personally, you might decide you should not be with someone who has bipolar. But if you base everything you believe about the disorder upon what this one mean, deceptive, manipulative person did to you, then you risk missing out on being with someone who can and will give you the respect and affection you so much deserve.

Good Luck Wendy, and again I am sorry for your suffering.

Wendy, I am not second-guessing you, but I do have a reason for pointing