Need help with bipolar disorder? Do Not do this

David Oliver Uncategorized

Hi,

How are you? I am not doing well. My back is killing
me. I feel like someone is stabbing me. I actually
hurt myself training last night.

I should be better in about a week. The reason
why I am telling you this is not so you can
feel sorry for me but because it was my hurt
back that triggered me to send you
this specific email today.

After I hurt my back, I called a person
I know that is a doctor. I wanted to
find out what he recommended. I told him
exactly where the pain was, what happen,
how I felt in about 3 minutes.

He immediately gave me a number of recommendations
and since this is the 3rd time that I hurt
my back in the last couple of years, he recommended
that I start to do two more exercises to help
to prevent this problem.

BUT, in talking to him, I thought of something
related to bipolar disorder–the right
way and the wrong way to ask for him.

Many people need help when it comes to bipolar
disorder. I am sure that is not news to you.

The problem is 99% of people do NOT ask for
help in the right away. My dad is a good
example.

When my mom use to go into an episode, he would
simply either not ask for help, or wait until
the last minute when things were a crisis.

But that wasn’t even the worst of it. When
he would take my mom to the hospital, he would
not be clear as to what he was seeing. He would
kind of ramble and tell a big long story
instead of get to the point.

Unfortunately, hospital people are super busy
and don’t have time for big long stories. So
many times, my dad’s message would get lost
and the things that needed to be relayed
to the hospital people were never relayed.

As a result over the years, I am sure
my mom came in on the wrong track and probably
didn’t get the best care.

Recently, about a month and half ago my mom
went into a brief episode. I say brief
because I caught it. Anyway, my dad called
me to say “mom’s getting sick.” Again
he still uses the term sick which
is a whole other story that I will
tell you about some other day.

I asked “why do you say that?” Then
he tells me a really long story which
after 20 minutes I still don’t even understand
what signs and symptoms he is really seeing.

I ask specific questions

Is she sleeping?
Is she cooking random food?’
Is she trying to spend extra money?
Is she talking on the phone a lot?
Is she doing a ton of cleaning?
Does she lack the ability to focus and concentrate?

He answered yes to all these questions and then
I knew it was time to take action.

So I basically evaluated my mom when I saw her.
NO I am not a doctor and I did NOT diagnose
or treat her. I simply looked at her and
asked questions.

Then I looked at my worksheets from old episodes
and my notes from her first episode and concluded
she was going into an episode. I took all
the information and immediately sent it
via email to her doctor.

That was that.

The problem that I see when people need help
with bipolar disorder is that they are not
clear. They don’t get specific. Unfortunately
the vast majority of people do NOT have the
time to hear long stories and rambling.

You have to get specific. If you need help,
ask specifics. For example,

I need help finding a qualified doctor
to help my loved one

I need help getting out of d.e.b.t

I need help finding a therapist.

I need a step by step system on what I
should do when my loved one starts
yelling at me.

We want to have a baby, we need
information on how to handle bipolar
disorder and a pregnancy.

See how these are specific questions and
not a lot of rambling? Also, you have
to be respectful of people’s time. I get
on the phone with people that seriously
want me to spend hours if not days answering
every single question they have and I can’t.

Doctors report to me the same problem
they have. Therapists tell me the same
as well.

Many times, 99% of the questions people
have are in my courses which are here:

SUPPORTING AN ADULT?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11

SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com

HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net

People think that I am being mean when
I won’t spend 5 to 10 hours on the phone
going over exactly what is in my course.

Anyway, I have to take off now. Have a great
day. I hope you didn’t get offended with my
email.

Your Friend,

Dave

P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/

P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com

  1. I am learning to open your emails now on a regular basis. I tried to fight the label of bipolar disorder by fixing myself with religion and prayer, but my whole family suffers from my mother’s combination bipolar disorder and alcholism. I’m called the “sane one” in the family because I chose to acknowledge our family’s problem and deal with them as they impact my life. But, I fall back into the fixer mode and usually end up hurting my own situation while trying to help others fix their problems. Really appreciate what you do in sharing your experiences with the group. I ordered the get out of debt program and it opened my eyes. I am now aware of what needs to be done, but have not taken any action at this point. Will not give up, though. Thanks again for your insight and abilty to be open with your family situation.

  2. I really think what your doing here is great. You have been describing my life to a T. My wife is bipolar we have known for about 3 years now. We think she has been this way all her life. From what I`ve learned so far I know she has since we met.
    I really wish i could afford your course but we are in debt up to my *** and my credit is gone.
    Please keep it up it really helps me cope.

    Thank you
    Chuck

  3. Hey Dave,
    You right on point about going to the doctors. Most people go and give basic info… I don’t feel well, my throat hurts, and my face is all clogged. What they need is a list to bring with them. This is what I do.
    I write everything down wrong with me.
    Head aches.
    Small man in ear banging ear drum?
    I don’t remember eating one but I think I swallowed a cat and it is clawing up my stomach.

    After I make my complaints list I make my questions list.

    Should I worry about this mole it seems to be growing?
    Same question only about my butt.
    Is there something I can do to make going to sleep easier?

    I think you get the point. You have to approach it like your dealing with a very good friend. Which your doctor should be to you. You need to make a point of putting yourself at ease so you can address more embarrassing questions with your DOC. The more you see them the more and more you will relax and then you can get down to some serious business. The business of you and your family’s health.
    Remember this. You are going to them because YOU’RE paying them for their time and information. IF for any reason YOU leave the office and don’t feel like you got your $$ worth or got the brush off then go back inside tell the NURSE you had some other questions and ASK them. DO NOT leave until your list is all answered. The big thing here is if for any reason your DOC treats you like a cattle going through the gate. (Slap a brand on them, take their money and move em out) then I say find another doc.

    It will get easier for you lots easier and the doc will no doubt be challenged by you which will be a good thing. Keeps them on their toes so to speak. Corse it can get hairy when your husband takes in your oldest child for a cold and they sit there talking about you for half an hour then you get told by said husband that your in trouble for not taking your pills and if you don’t start taking them again your going to get a “call” from Doc H because he is not happy with you. *shrugs… buy hey if he cares enough to get mad at me then I know he cares and that is all that counts. You men can be such tattle tales.

    Another thing for those of you who can not afford all the prescriptions. SAMPLES most doctors have them and do not be afraid to ask for them. If you are running out of your meds and don’t have the money for more right away call your doctor and let them know. Even your pharmacy can give you up to a weeks worth of pills with out charge until you can pay for them.
    KEY THING HERE…. Get to know very well your doctor, nurse and pharmacist.
    Hope this helps a bit.. and if I upset anyone.. Umm blame it on Dave because he started it. 🙂

  4. Dave,
    Everytime I went to the therapy sessions, they did nothing for me. The Doctors only said “I’ll see you next week and keep your appointment with the therapist. This was costing me TOO much money and not doing me ANY GOOD. I am not offended by anything you had to say. Some people can and DO handle beign BIpolar WITHOUT taking meds or going to therapy.
    I am living proof. Maybe it is because I worked in a hospital for more than 20 years or did not know that I Was Bipolar until just recently.
    Anyway, to get back to the meds. If you need them, then STAY ON THEM AND GO TO THERAPY. They just did not do me any good after awhile. I’m not saying that I did not EVER NEED THEM BOTH. I did at first. I there are going to be times in my life when I will probably need meds again. But I hope not.
    There is Hope out there for us.
    Thanks again for all you answers.

    Sassy

  6. I think that my dad is sometimes the same way as your father is; he always like to hesitate on answering some questions; he says my mom is sick; I ask what is wrong with her; he says; Bronchitis. How bad is it; he says pretty bad; well; is it possible that it can turn into pnumonia? Yeah it’s possible; he says. I go dwn to see her; & she is only coughing. No chance of her being admitted in the hospital though. Even though she was taken to ER for treatment. Dr. gave her some meds to take for that. He has a habit of making things bigger than what they really seem. So; I have to evaluate the circumstance to see what is recommended for him to do. I can only suggest to him; as I’m no professional person; but some things I have dealt with b4 myself even.

    TTYL Dave…

    Have a gr8 weekend; ok?

  7. Thank you for all the insight of information. The last e-mail fit my daughter-in-law to a tee. My oldest son has the disorder and has currently gone back to work three nights a week, for how long, who knows. I have stopped sending money and food and am using long-distance tough love instead. Nothing I have said or done in the past has made a difference, so now I have become a good listener. He was thrown out of his program for lack of attendance and therefor he claims cannot get his meds which he desperately needs. There is nothing I can do if he does not try at least to help himself. He has food banks and open pantry near him, yet when he has a few extra dollars rather than grocery shop he has meals delivered, all fattening foods. So this is my story and maybe some day he will seek the help he needs. Thanks again for all the info you send, it is more helpful than you realize.

  8. Thank you for your information. Sum has been very helpful. It is very honorable for you to help your mother & your father. My husband has bipolar and living with him is VERY difficult at times. Since he is the “man of the house”, he controls the finances, need I say more. Most of the time I chose to keep my mouth shut to keep the peace in our home. He was put on meds a couple of months ago and they have helped alot. To be honest I was on the verge of walking out the door. I felt very alone. Now that I know what we’re dealing with, & knowing is hald the battle :). Do you know of a online support group for spouses who is in the same boat as me? Thanks Bunches. I appreciate your time.

  10. Heyyy gloria….does my bum look big in this?!?! ha ha ha!!! :oDDD

    A calm, relaxed and wonderful saturday 2 all…

    xxbuTTerFLy ~ Londonxx

  11. I want to thankk you for your openness and honesty. I enjoy your person touch and humanness in which you share about your family. It helps so much to know we are not alone in this situation. Thanks Dia In Mt

  12. I understand completely. I am a dog trainer and people want to talk for 5-10 hours instead of getting to the point or instead of listening. My daughter has bipolar and all the emails are so helpful and like so many others-I can not afford the program right now. But I have learned so much. Especially the one the other day about the word-NO. Love it.

  13. Dear David,
    No offense taken. You are exactly correct about your time. Burn-out is never a good thing.
    Thanks for the confidence to provide direct questions to therapists, doctors, etc.
    I started keeping a journal on my fiance’ as a matter of help to myself at first, so that I could actually view what was happening on paper. Sort of like an investigative journal. What was the old saying from “The Diary of Anne Frank,” which said, “paper is patient,” became paper is very telling…
    As the writings progressed, I noticed the repeat patterns in my fiance’ as to what he was doing and saying in cycles. That is how I knew that something was wrong. I just didn’t know what. Over time and through actually hearing his same verbage; sometimes once a month, once a week, or even once a year, and connecting with your website, I learned that his behavior was not just alcohol related as I was being told.
    Keeping a journal is good in all forms. Alot of times I would be writing exactly the words he’d say as he said them if I found that he was trying to manipulate me. As his story would change and the lies would come about, he would actually see for himself, timed and dated, his own lies before himself. Some of the lying mechanisms that he has used have stopped because of this.

  14. Your info is very helpul. I just started receiving your e-mails and look forward to more. Thank you.

  15. I need as much information as possible and appreciate your e-mails. My question is, When you asked your father if your mother was doing those few things, to which he answered yes to all of them, is this always the case? Is it possible that just a few exist? Is the anger and yelling part the manic part even if the person doesn’t spend money excessively?

  16. The email was good. It was thought provoking. I am Bipolar. I just found out 3 weeks ago. My husband doesn’t know how to deal with me. I don’t know how to deal with me. I am going to a doctor (phsychiatrist) that is a PPO with my husband’s insurance. I also suffer with Major anxiety, panic, and slight paranoia. I lost my job as a substitute teacher 3 weeks ago. I have no income now. I brought home more pay than he did because 1/2 of his check goes to the ex wife for support of his 3 boys. His ex wife doesn’t work outside the home. She never has. I have been working since I was 16 years old. I have always had at least 1 job and sometimes 2 – 3 jobs. I grew up in poverty. I was teased and made fun of by peers. I have always hated my life. We live in a small cramped apartment. When we have the 3 boys it drives us all nuts. I have been praying to God for a nice safe home with a privacy fenced back yard and attached two car garage with two full baths and 3-4 bedrooms for 7 years now. I would love to have a hot tub and a screened in sunroom or back porch type patio. A swimming pool would be wonderful too. I love to write and it has been my dream to write children’s books. I love tree’s flower’s and shade. I have so many other health issues even before I found out I was bipolar. I have degenerative disc disease in my upper and lower spine. I have thyroid disease. I am anemic alot off and on. I have plantars faciatis in my heels of my feet. I have high blood pressure. I have TMJ. I long to be able to afford a massage once a week, but even when I worked full time there was no money for that. I am just devistated about my life right now. I have so many down days. I can barely do laundry, dishes, vacuum, or help around the home. I have more bad days than good days. I hate my life. We have no money to buy any of your programs. I am going to the local library to try and find books to read. That is free. The library is free. We need lots of free right now in our life. I have sold so many of our posessions just to survive. We have no cable TV, no cell phones, no vacations, no $ to take the kids to a movie theater or out to dinner. We can’t afford to buy family or friends gifts for birthdays anymore. Now my husband is really depressed. We want a house so bad. We are all miserable. We feel like God is so far away from us. I have no friends here in this new community. I am all alone and miss my family bad. Help!

  17. First and foremost, thank you, Dave, for your commitment to helping people dealing with BP. Here’s where my dilemma is: How do you get help for someone in denial?
    Your question hit the nail on the head: I need help finding a qualified doctor for my husband, but then, how to get him to go?

  18. Dave – To you & everybody else – we have to learn to set what the professionals call “boundaries.” You recent blog post reminds me more & more of how general mental health issues (what they used to call neurosis etc.) get involved in bi-polar issues. AND THEY ARE NOT THE SAME!! The woman you spoke to is a manipulator – who never valued your time & probably wouldn’t value your suggstions, either! There are too many people would moan “woe is me” & then have all sorts of reasons why THEY PERSONALLY don’t have to make the effort to make any actions! If the woman were in Brazil – don’t you think she could open the equivalent of a Brazilian telephone book and fidn a local hospital? Of course, she could. That’s what any rational person would do. Even a canny person in terrible circumstances would have approached you in a different manner! We see this at my urban church, where well meaning gestures – things like a food pantry – are semi-abused by some as an excuse to avoid making decisions or actions about their homelessness and therby avoiding any unpleasantness of A CHANGE…

    Now, I have had some hard times and others still do – but I respected those who extended a hand to me, and yes, I expressed my humble gratitude…
    Altho I myself am not in a financial position to buy your materials, I, for one, do not understand why others have taken such a violent offense to your atempt to make your time pay! Especially when you do provide resources such as your blog, which I do enjoy…
    It’s a horrible misuse of preceived weakness to manipulate & drag one into a co-dependent situation…Read Melodie Beattie everybody. I am glad that your assistant is protecting you – but you gotta realize there are a lot of “undeserving poor” and unbalanced about – so be careful out there!

  19. David,

    After reading your article about being addicted to bipolar disorder I think my son is. He creates chaos then gets depressed when it is overwhelming. He thrives on being manic and has only made weak attempts to get better. If he spend half as much time on getting recovery as he does other things in his life he would be functioning at a high level instead of where he is. I have listed to about 4 or 5 of your tapes and the one on money describes my son almost exactly.

    Thank you for all your hard work.

    MEF

  20. can any one help me? my husband is bipolar and he has health and prescription insurance but with our income we still cant afford the meds so he stops taking them and well as many of you know that dosent turn out to well!! please if you know of any programs we really need the help!!

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