Hi,
How’s it going?
I actually have to take off really early today and head to a meeting in New York.
It’s going to be a major pain going there. Plus it’s going to be really hot. Like almost 100 degrees.
Anyway let me get going with what I have to say today.
I was having this conversation with my friend the other day and he asked me the question, “Who ever said that life was meant to be fair?”
And I mean, I just didn’t have any answer to that! I guess I just always thought that life is fair in the long run, because that’s just what I believe. But maybe that’s just because I’m an optimist. But here’s my friend telling me not only that life isn’t fair, but whoever said that it was meant to be?
Well, I usually don’t get into long, philosophical discussions because they usually lead nowhere and my time is valuable and I usually have a million things to do… but still, even after I left him, I was thinking about what he said:
Whoever said that life was meant to be fair?
I mean, if life was fair, how come over 13 million people have bipolar disorder?
If life was fair, how come MY mom has bipolar disorder?
But then, think about it in positive terms – if my mom DIDN’T have bipolar disorder, there would be no bipolarcentral.com, and all the people that are being helped through the website, hundreds of thousands of people from all around the world, wouldn’t be getting helped.
So now I think…well, that kind of cancels that out, and maybe life IS fair.
People who center their thoughts on the fact that life isn’t fair are usually people who are negative people and who are very unhappy about their lives. A lot of people who have bipolar disorder are like that. Then it trickles down to their supporters. It’s hard to live with a very negative loved one and not become negative yourself.
In my courses/systems, I talk about negative vs. positive thinking, and teach about ways to become a positive thinker:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
But see, the thing is, it’s your CHOICE whether you look at life in a positive way vs. a negative way. You can believe that life isn’t fair and that everything that’s happened to you is a big conspiracy from God and you can blame him or anyone else, or even the “system,” society, or Social Security, or whoever you want to blame that you/your loved one have bipolar disorder…
Or you can take the fact that you/ your loved one have bipolar disorder and turn it around for good.
I have someone who works for me that doesn’t only have bipolar disorder, but has about 8 other disorders as well. Now, she could just sit around and feel sorry for herself that she has all this stuff wrong with her, she could blame her mother for passing down the bipolar disorder to her, she could blame society on the fact that there is so much stigma against mental illness, etc., etc.
If anyone would have any reason to complain that life isn’t fair, I would expect her to. But does she? Nope.
In fact, she is one of the best employees I have.
You know why? Because whether life is fair or not is not something she stands around thinking about all day! She does the best she can with what she has to deal with. She doesn’t stop to think about all the bad stuff. She works within her limitations, as if they weren’t even there! She just doesn’t let anything stop her.
She always says, “If I can do it, so can you!”
So does that mean that life is any more fairer for her than for you? NO. It just means that she doesn’t let it stop her from doing what she wants to do. She doesn’t let it get to her.
So what I’m saying is that, bipolar disorder or not, you just can’t let the fact that life isn’t fair be an excuse for not becoming all you can be. You can’t let it stop you from getting better, or if you’re a supporter – you can’t let it stop you from being the best supporter (the most positive supporter) that you can be.
Sitting around complaining that you/your loved one has bipolar disorder is not going to make life fair. It’s a shame that you have to deal with bipolar disorder, and you may even be having a real rough time with it, but complaining about it isn’t going to help your situation one bit.
Think about the person who works for me who has over 8 mental illnesses, but doesn’t let them stop her. Think about the fact that you or your loved one only has ONE. And think about what she says: If SHE can do it, so can YOU.
David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
I have multiple disorders and no support except David Oliver. He has taken the time to try and help not only his mother but everyone else a well. He should be HIGHLY COMMENDED. What do the people that critisize him doing to help others nothing I’ll bet. My thanks and praise Mr. Oliver you are helping me. Don’t ever doubt that or stop please.
Just to answer your blog for today. I also have numerous so called disorders such as dyslexia, discalculia, working memory problems, hard of hearing and have suffereddepression, poor self-concept/self-esteem and confidence issues and have just been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by my Psychotherapist. I would like to say to everyone ‘ don’t give up trying to be all that you can be!’ As ‘Desiderata’ says ‘there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself’ so just be all that you can be! After many years of existing in a very unhappy dark place I am learning to live and am just about to start my 4th year of studying Psychotherapy & Counselling, i never thought i would ever go back to work because i had totally lost sight of myself, but now i am back and you can come back too!
All the best! Sally
I agree with the don’t complain but some think that when you are having an episode that you are complaining when you are just doing your best to just function. I know that sometimes it is really hard for me to even do my job. I also have multiple mental disorders. I don’t complain because it just makes things worse. But geez sometimes my limitations shirk dramatically and its just something I have to deal with.
I agree that being positive is very helpful in all we do! But I do have a question. I have no for sure diagnosis for my sister, but I KNOW she had a psychotic episode last year (bipolar?), perhaps rapid cycling, perhaps not. The point here is that she has totally kept me out of the loop…totally at arm’s length. She was put on leave from her job in May and is now “back” with her ex-husband. It was a horrible year. Yet, I still feel like I am walking on eggshells with her. She has contacted me within the past month, but it feels like someone totally different…and she still hasn’t opened up to the fact that we need to meet/talk/SOMETHING so that I can be a part of her support system. I am her only sibling, her closest blood family. It hurts to feel left out. It has been a long, long year or so…and especially since we had always been so close. I haven’t seen her face to face since November. Now her ex has given her a diamond, but I’m not supposed to know about it. It is hard, very hard, to be positive when I am not allowed to be a part of hers any more. I try to be positive, but it is so difficult to maintain the hope that things will be okay again since she still chooses to keep me at arm’s length. If it hadn’t been for my husband and me, her ex wouldn’t have made it through either, and now it also feels like it is all about getting her back to HIS family, not to her own, too. So I am also pretty upset about that and feeling like I’ve been left hanging…again and still.
Thank you David,
I am supporting my son (through his “illness”) age 29 yrs old.
He has been mis-diagnosed over a period of 11 years.
Went onto the internet and found many web-sites but found yours the most informative.
Am now going to take him to a new Psychiatrist (highly recommended) as all the criteria noted in your article, suggest he could be suffering from Bi-polar.
He was previously diagnosed as a manic-depressive, put on 60mg Cipralex daily, but his behaviour, rages, keeping a job, alienation from friends, NO joie de vivre, no happiness in anything etc etc etc…. have gotten worse. Life with him periodically with its’ highs and lows, is hell.
I am a layman and look to the “experts” for the diagnosis and treatment but it seems that I, in my desperation for the welfare of my “child” I will have to make it my mission to find the answer and get the correct treatment for him.
I love him dearly and basically he is a lovely human being.
I look forward to your next “pep talk”
Yours truly
Brenda
Hi Dave,
I liked your e’mail. Heres a quote I like a lot and it sums up everything you said in a nutshell…..”If you look at what you do not have in life, you don’t have anything, If you look at what you have in life, you have everything.”
I really enjoy your e’mails. They are helpful. Keep doing what your doing. Your doing great!
I must say that person who works for you with all these disorders that she apparently keeps under control has a secret from the rest of us in what meds does she take to maintain so many disorders and still have the sensibility and the energy to get out of bed and work! Major Kudos to her and her very good Psych!!!!
what do you do when the person moves out of the huse while you are in the hospital. That is what my 22 year old daughter did. She was diagnoised last year with bipolar tlype 2 she will not stay on her medication and hast not gone to her dr. or her counslor. She also denies that the medication helps her. My husband and I are about to have a nervious break-down All we know she is living with a friend she went to high school with. no job no money and has set all the family aside. very negitive . I cant afford to get the help she needs I dont know where to go it is about to drive me crazy. Do we let her fall on her face.
It is very hard to keep positive when the person you live with sees everything through an anxious and negative perspective. I struggle everyday with his anxieties and it alters the way you feel about someone. No one said life had to be fair, but just occasionally when a friend says to you, I know its hard and its not fair what you are going through, that bit of support means so much.
Dave….thank you for this email. I am a bipolar supporter…my son is bipolar. He is very negative about EVERYTHING
Dave…thank you for this email. My son is bipolar and I am his supporter. He is very negative about EVERYTHING and lately I have been feeling sorry for myself because I feel like my life is revolved around helping him. Your email makes me realize I am not alone. I love my son and feel guilty for my feelings sometimes but I know God would not have given him to me if he didn’t know I could handle taking care of him. It’s a hard illness to understand and to deal with. I have not ordered your course yet but do plan to. I enjoy reading your emails. Thank you
My late husband had a set response whenever our children would whine “That’s not fair!” – he would say, where is it written that life is fair?
I never looked at his response as something negative, but rather a reality check for our children. Life isn’t fair – everyone doesn’t get all the same things as everyone else, good or bad. So, no, life isn’t fair, but get over it! Make the most of what you have – do your best and always look for the silver lining! Then id won’t matter if life is fair or not – you will not be disappointed.
N. Hall
hi Dave,
Thank you for such a positive posting, we all for whatever reason need to stay focused and positive. I have chronic pain and sometimes it really gets to to you but your words have filled me with hope.
PP
Hi! Wow it must being interesting working with someone who is bipolar. I have to wonder if some individuals are actually bordering on mental brilliance or are extraordinary creative. I wonder also if a person with the illness who can’t find a creative outlet becomes manic or depressed. I think she is very fortunate to have someone so understanding and compassionate to work for.
Please disregard the last comment that you may have recieved . It was sent before I check the spelling.
Have a wonderful day!
JulieB
I receive news letters and workshop from David Oliver. I felt like I was just going through a pile of dirt energy, which needed to be cleaned up, chaotic and hard to cope with. I am very thankful in letting me understand with this issue that I deal with year after year after year. Now I am beginning to understand this reality of bipolar disorder. Thank you so much David, God will smile down on you!
Hi dave,
if it is ok to call u that? well i have bipolar 2 and i also have borderline personality disorder , i have ptsd, i am a self mutilater, i am on good meds, i have a good support system. i have a partner that has bipolar and has multiple personality disorder, and ptsd, she has a ok support system ,we do well together. she is difficult at times with the different personalities. she has alot i wrote them all down one night when they were all talking to me. i am stubburn and moody and hyper. but we do well on our own. i have good coping skills now. i use them well. cutting is not an option! i have a new therapist is is good . we are trying to do some good work together but it will take a while. i had my therapist that just left for 4 yrs. that is hard but when you know that this happens alot in therapy, you try to understand. you have to keep going and you have to go into it with a positive mind set to make it work. so i am trying and i will keep climbing these little steps to move forward in my life. i will have courage, strength,wisdom, faith,and i will believe i can make me, my children and my partner proud. so i try everyday,and thats what it takes for me. thanks jeanmarie skurka
dave,
by the way God never said that life was easy, or fair. life is hard and life is hopefully long. life is just life with it ups and downs for everyone. so you just live the best that you can.
jean
hi
im not speak english well .im from iran
i know life is not fair i have been telling my self and others its not i know when i lost my son to cancer i looked up and said its not fair and why. i have bipolar as far as my mom i think she had it and my grandmother i lost my mom this yr in feb and its hard i let my self go stopped taken my meds and stuff plus im a diabetic now im taken them again i keep telling my self life may not be fair but ya know what we have to go on and move on live our lives and try to enjoy it as we live i know now having bipolar is hard i got married last auguast and got devoriced this yr cause i felt he couldent handle me and being bipolar i have read the letters u have sent me and it describes me and am haven a hard time with it i do have my bad days and when i do i close every one out and sit in my chair afraid and alone and scared i enjoy getting your letters dave and for the others out there that has it please dont give up keep going u have the strength dont let this win i know you can win.. ty dave
Hi Dave. I applaud you and your daily efforts to support ppl like me with disorders. Im a firm believer that you can’t REALLY understand something, unless you go through it. I used to be such a positive person, I was actually starting a book about “being positive”… that seems like such a long time ago. I did not get diagnosed w/ Bipolar until 3 yars ago. Before then, I had major depression for a long while. Therapist, after therapist, med after med… and well, here I am now. I hear what you are saying, and I can see it and agree with it even to a point, WHEN I AM HAVING A MIDDLE, TO HIGH MODE. But, when I am having a down spiral, as I’ve had lately., I can NOT see any HOPE if it stood directly in front of me, in my moment of EVIL. Its terrible, but its as if my bipolar when it gets bad, it controls me, and takes over more and more each time. Like an evil disease. Long story short, Its easy to tell ppl to think a certain way, but when WE (bipoolar members) are on the other side, its not always going to reach us. But again, its great you are a supportive person.
Tonya
I’m a bi-polar supporter of my 37 year old daughter; shes trying very hard to bea whle person; but thees never a week that her life is not a struggle andtheworst part is we get NO real help–everything isfragmented and the left hand does not deal with the right hand ; we receive endlessempty promises , agenciesdon’t co-ordinate with each other and it seems likea few boutswith thisperson or that issupposed solve the multiple problems and then the help disappears. I dont knowwhere you find these wonderful coordinated plans andwilling doctors and psycologists etc. Shes on total disability and shes had no available primary care doctor in 3 years–no one will take medicare– I could go on and on but I won’t because I’m exhausted with the endless list of “brick walls ” I run into and the financial drain is beyond belief. Wish me luck in central Pa. You’d think we’re still in the Dark Ages.
I just found out that my wife, who I love deeply has bi-polar disorder, this past week has been the worse week of my life, Im in the process of learnig about her condition, I really appreciate all the help from everybody, god bless you all.
It’s wonderful when people can function with this disorder. I find it very frustrating to go from one extreme to the other, and have my husband, who is very supportive, but doesn’t really have a clue what it’s like to be here, give me advise on meds, telling me maybe I should change doctors,
and things like that. He does not realize that means starting all over with
trying things I have already tried that have not worked. I try to think positive and not blame anyone for this disorder, and just accept what is
for what is, but it’s not easy. Every depression cycle steals part of my life and every manic cycle does the same. It’s hard to know where the middle is when you never quite get to experience it.
I’m just trying to fight to stay above the depression and not let it take over
right now.
All these posts sound like they are from the same person.
Odd. How could all the posts be from the same person? That doesn’t make any sense.
Dave
Heidi:
I am for real my own person with my own set of heartachs caused mostly by Bi-polar!
Thank you I do enjoy reading these, I have bipolar illness.
Hi Dave
Almost home time in SA, Heidi catch a wake up Bi-polar can destroy your life. Listen to ANY ONE that can give ANY advise on how to cope with this,
use what you can and disregard the rest. Support and understanding is hard to come by, everyone thinks you are out of your mind ……. so when
everyone sounds the same it is probably just a sign that we are releaved that we are not alone. I have Bi-polar, Diabetes, High Blood preasure,
Cholestral problems and at the end of a bitter two year divorce and only
38 years old. A year ago I wanted to end my life because I felt so alone
and no-body understood me, then I found I was not alone ….. WOW !!! thank G-d there are others out there that are the same.
I am a bipolar supporter..my daughter was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder years ago. This past year has been rough as she married, moved to the West coast, has a new Doctor…etc., etc. I appreciate your E-mails very much.
This is my first time posting. I have been diagnosed with bi-polar II. I been separated for over 4 years and hopefully will be divorced by the fall. I basically was very unhappy in my marriage. I fell out of love with my husband and lost respect for him…long story but just so you know neither of us was cheating (at least I wasn’t) and although there was some verbal abuse there was never physical abuse. I believe my unhappiness in my marriage brought out the illness after I had a mental breakdown. Also, we did try counselling twice (before I was ill) and I initiated the divorce. Anyway, I’m now a single mom with 2 boys and even though our lives are difficult sometimes I’m a positive and happy person, overall. The boys see their dad but not enough (but that’s another story). The church, friends, family and meds help me…BUT I do not have a significant other. I always thought that by now I would be with someone…but I think I’m scared. I have met men who are friends…one is aware of my bi-polar II and has no problem with it. I have noticed that people with bi-polar and other mental illnesses seem to gravitate to others with the disorder. Is this quite common? I feel that many, many people have mental health issues but just don’t deal with them. Meeting someone who has been diagnosed and is dealing with it could be a good thing because at least they acknowledge their diagnosis and handle it as well as they can. What do you fellow posters think? What do you think David?
HI DAVID–ENJOY YOUR LECTURES!!MY NEPHEW HAS NOT BEEN DIAGNOSED-BUT APPEARS TO HAVE SYMPTOMS!!DR FEELS IT IS!!!WANR BLOOD WORK AND TESTS FIRST!!ALOS THYROID??HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN HYPER CHILD–BUT NOW GOING THROUGH DIVORCE-SELLING HOME ETC–IS VERY ANGRY AND SOO LOUD!!NO PARANOID.OR HALLUCINATIONS–BUT HE IS ALMOST GOD-LIKE-EVERYONE ELSE IS AN IDIOT–HAS ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND(TOO FAST) SO WORRIED BUT AM AS CLOSE AS A MOTHER TO HIM–HE HAS TOLD ME NOT TO COME TO HIS HOME!!!WAITING AND PRAYING HE WILL HAVE BLOOD WORK DONE -HAS SLIP TO DO FROM HIS DOCTOR–THEN SHE CAN TALK TO HIM RE ISSUES!!!!
I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have BPII psychotic plus emotional instability disorder. All of my problems were made worse by living in the past, my childhood where I was abused emotionally and physically. For years I thought living was a waste of time, if there was a God why would he wish me to suffer so. Then one day about a year ago I woke up and decided to forget my past, life is for the living, what a gift life is or can be. Sure I have problems but I will not let is stop me from trying to make the best of what life has to offer. Also a good way to move past yourself is to make a commitment to helping others – I have an interview with the Samaritans next week. It can be anything small but by giving you receive as well. Spread the love 🙂
Thank you ,David! I’ve been diagnosed with “atypical depression” since I was 18. Your e-mails and the blog are very helpful.I live in a country where one can’t afford the best doctor or therapist….
Hi. My husband has bipolar. He became ill about 3 years ago, angry, abusive, horrible as if he hated me, really cruel and angry with our children (our youngest was 16). Finally last year he got medication that helped and a diagnosis, we were so relieved and happy. For the past 3 weeks he has been depressed, we are so scared, I can see now this is an ongoing long term issue. We will need to change our lives I think so that he can slow down. I am petrified he won’t feel happy or positive again.
Now I know, these aren’t fakes. The bipolar can be anywhere I see, not only up in the arctic! Despite it’s presence, I thought everyone was fine and needed to cope with their bad days. Sometimes, this disorder can camoflaged anywhere in the public. I am seeing better coping strategies at work when I encounter one of the “Episodes”. I hope you will reap what you sow! You are helping me so much!
Dave,
Good news I got my apartment this week and am no longer homeless! By the way I have bipolar and schizoeffective and had been homeless for two months but I kept my nose to the grindstone and kept working at it and now my life is starting to get better. Slowly but surely, one day at a time is how I take it.
Hello to you all,
I must say that I am feeling very lost when it comes to dealing with this problem. in our lives the man I am with is saying that [he is not the one with the problem] that its me but all our friends see him and they all know. he says I am no support and that I am the one with all the problems He is angry all the time and if not angry and yelling and giving orders then he is asleep in the front room on the couch telling us to shut the —- up . I feel like I am walking out on him but he doesn’t even try. All the medicine he takes just doesn’t work when you take it with vodka I mean come on already when do I feel ok about giving up on him and us please give some suggestions Thanks
HI EVERYONE!!!
I read most of your thoughts and I must say I have alot to be greatful for. i have bipolar disorder but i’m on cymbalta, serequel and lamicten, and i have to say i lead a sort of normal life. reading everything you guys go through just makes me realise that if you all can be so positive who am i not to wake up with a smile every morning, thank you for your inspiring words, i have the world of respect for you, and now i dont feel alone anymore
Thank you for this article. I especially like the quote in Dawn Rhoades’s post above! …..”If you look at what you do not have in life, you don’t have anything, If you look at what you have in life, you have everything.”
The trials in my life are lessons God gives me to help others. If I did not live with that perspective I would not have anything!
Dear Dave
I enjoyed reading your blog today. I am a women with 6 diffrent disorders and untill today i never looked at things in a posative way.
I was always one to say life isn’t fair. Its amazing how your hole way of thinking can change in just a few moments, just by reading something or listing to someone. thank you for a new way of seeing things.