I am struggling as well. Although the screaming and nasty comments have greatly dimished A.M. (after medication) the constant negativity, worrying about work, weight, etc., and inability to cope has me wondering about the medication myself. My bi-polar girlfriend has an issue with gaining weight, and the doctor is telling us that Lamictal is the only med he knows that will not cause weight gain. I am at my wits end, and am on the verge of depression myself dealing with this bipolar issue, as I am finding it nearly impossible to keep up the positivity at this point. It may be time to see another doctor.

Gunzee

Hi Dave, Hopefully Stan loves his wife unconditionally, he can hate the monster and fight to win, or maybe not. My husband really fixed things, he hung himself- he left me for good. I cant call him, I will never see him again, we wont have good days, we wont have bad days. There will be no fights, no make up sex. I am about to have a grandson he will never meet. Stan you are mad let Dave guide you and show you how to stay one step ahead of the beast. The illness is what it is, it is not your wife, it is hurting your wife- Stan focus- kick its ass- it is hurting your WIFE. Do you let people hurt your wife? Seperate your wife from the bipo and fight go to war. I am sure when you got married you did not say if one of us gets sick we will not be there for each other. If she has to fight this alone she may not win. I learned during giving birth to my children that if I focused on the pain instead of what I was really supose to be doing which was getting baby out, it took eight hours too long. My third baby no problem I focused on getting baby out, 3hours no pain. Put the energy into the beast that is hurting your wife- do not focus on the bad things that are happening. You are smarter, you love your wife, beat the bipo. It is a hard battle, life is full of hard battles. Start interviewing doctors, get your wife back. If your freaking out think of what she is going through. I could go on and on because my husband left me-for good, he is dead. Once someone dies they never come back, you will have a hole in your heart that will never heal, there will not be one day that goes by where you feel guilt maybe if i did this or didnt do that. Dave you do such fantastic work, some people do not no how bad it can get others are stuck with the scars of losing the fight a time or two. Thanks , Karen

I agree with David, it is important to have the right doctor. Doing that in the UK isn’t so easy unless you have bucket loads of money to pay for private care. Otherwise, most of us have to take whatever the National Health Service deals us. I am lucky as it seems I have a good one.
As for #2 Truth, I agree 100% here, too. My family doctor says much the same, that treating BP is more of an art than a science, and my new pDoc says the same thing. My family doctor goes a little further, saying that the interpretation of a patients condition by the pDoc is more of an art, too! One the one hand, I previously had a pDoc who was pushing that I should accept my increasing aggression and irritability was just the normal reaction of a father of two 8-9 year old boys. My current one is listening to me, accepting my own observation that this is a symptom of my illness. As specifically for the medication, it CAN take a lot of time to figure out the right level of medication to manage BP, regardless of Type. (BTW, my new pDoc doesn’t like using the Type terms. Sensible, in my opinion because it seems – in my opinion – people may exhibits symptoms of Type 1 or Type 2 at times during their illness.)) It doesn’t help if the domestic situation is variable (like mine) as this can introduce triggers, which blur the overall mood level.
Truth #3. Yes, it is important to work with the pDoc and/or therapist. BUT this assume you gave a pDoc in whom you have confidence … see qualification with Truth #1!!!
Truth #4. Overall, I agree. HOWEVER, it must be appreciated that someone with BP in a depressive phase AIN’T CAPABLE of feeling positive: period! Folk with BP must appreciate (when they are stable and compus mentis) that their feelings towards supporters may vary between affection and love to hate and loathing with a period of complete indifference in between, and back again!!! It is inevitable that supporters will feel these changes and find it hard to cope. Supporters must appreciate these are likely experiences to which they will be exposed, just as they may find themselves dragged down in mood by the negativity of their BP partner. The carer’s priority must always be their own health, where the safeguarding of that and the care of their BP partner is in conflict. Remember, carers, however stable your BP becomes, there WILL be breakthroughs when the illness shows its ugly side in spite of all the medication and strategies employed to keep the BP in control. They must realise that, as partners, they will never be free from the shadow of BP in their partners for ever as long as they ARE the partner of someone with BP. If they cannot see themselves coping with this ad infinitum, they should get out of the relationship now. Leaving the action of leaving your partner will do you and your partner no good at all. In the case of your partner, you will only be putting off the pain they will feel anyway. Sure, leaving them may kick off an episode, but that will not be your fault! (If you have to blame someone, blame Him for creating BP in the first place and having it visited upon your partner. Whatever, it isn’t YOUR fault!) Plus … the longer you put off leaving, the less time you will have to find a better quality of life.

By the way, David – the blog no longer recognises my password with my other email address.

David, Have you thought further about your answer to my earlier question “I am curious.
You often mention your great staff and how most
of them are Bipolar or have some other mental illness. I presume they all have episodes at some time or other, hopefully not all at the same time! (Or do they? Does the episode of one trigger similar in another?) How do you manage this kind of situation? How often does it happen?”

I HAVE bipolar, as my husband says, not I am bipolar. I am going through an episode that has kept me down for a week now. I honestly am surprised I am still here. Lets talk doctors. I am low income, almost middle class, but my last doctors stopped prescribing due to the fact I make more money, it took me a month to find a docotor in another city and this episode is killing me let alone my husband kids and grandma, And that is why I feel like such a burden to them. I’m lucky to finally have a doctor, but I need someone who understands bipolar, and my husband finally started to read your tips for bipolar supporter , and about bipolar, thats how scared he is. I have messed my job up again due to my freaking out. The mania and now the depression so bad I cant work. I have no insurance as well. I’ve been on several meds, carbamazipine now and zanax,.I have horrible anxiety attacts, several er visit never knowing if heart attack. Major family history in heart attacks. We have no bipolar support groups, and my usual not physco self would try to start one, but this one I cant seem to pull out of. Once I can afford your courses I will. But till then I know your not doctor, but I need help, from someone, and I dont even know what you could and I’m sorry to bother you, Thats how I always feel a bother, people cant handle me being hyper and talking fast, but I ALWAYS have talked fast, and people cant handle my sadness. What am I supposed to do? These stupid crazy ups and downs WONT go away. Not long enough anyway. Both my daughters are bipolar, and ones in prison (21) the other 18 just had a baby, in a violent marriage. I have SO much stress, and everyone needs me, I have no idea how to fix this one, any suggestions? Thanks for listening.

hi…my partner/or should i say mostly ex partner wont even go see a doctor…he hasnt been diagnosed with bipolar but when i read bout the symptoms its like reading bout him…totally!!! its getting worse everytime! its lasting longer happening more often,,when hes ok he agrees that he needs to go see sum1 about it but when hes bad he says theres nothing wrong well apart from the people that are around him…he pushes all his close family away,,has no emotion and blasts the people that do!! i wish a good doctor would find us and help us!! but i know thats not going to happen and hes the only 1 that can do it BUT HOW DO I GET HIM TO??? life is becoming unbearable but i dont want to give up!!
thanks for reading,,it helps to let it out!

Vicky
If life has become unbaerable perhaps you must consider changing it, i.e. leaving him or as a starting point, demand he goes to see a doctor under threat that you will leave if he does not do so. If he goes, you can stay … at least for a while longer. If he does not go to see the doc, you have your answer.

Hi Vicky, It is not that easy if you really love and care about someone. Maybe Grhamm has never loved or been loved. Take care, Karen

Karen

You presume I have not loved or been loved. I presume you are a BP supporter, not someone with BP. I presume you lack real insight into this illness. Let me try to give you a perspective of someone who has it.

Sure, I have loved and been loved! I loved someone with full-blown Manic Depression before I found out I had BP, too. I had to bite the bullet and leave her to it because I couldn’t cope with being in her company as she dived from one extreme to the other, from being totally delusional to being so depressed she moved like a slow motion movie. (Psycho-motor.) I couldn’t stand it. It made ME feel I was going to crack up, to breakdown. So, I ran away for my own sanity’s sake. I didn’t feel good about myself for doing that to her but the decision was easy enough because my survival seemed (to me) to depend on it, on putting plenty of space between her and me. It worked for a while.

I have since had one great relationship bust on the rocks of BP. My lover became my ex-lover because the symptoms of my BP made her feel insecure in our relationship. Hell, they made Me feel confused about us, so I’m not surprised she got confused, too. She left and I’ve never heard from her since. She made a good decision, to move on with her life and not be dragged down by me. My current partner loves me but finds living with me very difficult. She makes it bearable by spending at least 6 months working or travelling outside of the country and well away from me! Needs must.

I love my Mum but HER depression drags me down! So, I HAVE to try to limit the times I see her because her depression can switch me into depressive cycle.

Now, I’ve been at the bottom of The Pit, down and depressed about as far as you can get. I have stared self oblivion in the face, even down the line of an on-coming train. If I’d had a gun I’d have blown out my brains years ago. I know how it feels, how painful it feels – nothing, absolutely nothing compares to that feeling of desperate anguish. So, I don’t ever want to go there again. I couldn’t stand to go there again. I survived last time only because I had no conception of how long it would last! Now I know. Now I know I could never go through such an experience again. So, I will do ANYTHING to avoid whatever will drag me down any further than the BP does already.

We survive just as long as we care about ourselves, as long as we recognise our very best interests do not always coincide with those we love. If you are faced with this situation and you still continue to damage yourself by persisting, it can only mean you have little sense of your own self-worth. We are born onto this Earth to live; that is not only our right but our obligation to Life.

Hi, I’m relieved to hear that I’m not to blame and am not alone. My husband doesn’t want to see a doctor and thinks he can drink his problem away. The situation is getting worse everyday. I have to teenagers 18 and 14, they are great kids the help around the house and support me. But my husband sees them as lazy and constantly yells and repeats himself telling us what we’re doing wrong . I don’t want them to grow up bitter with low self esteem and suffer in the future. I feel hopeless.

Hello Suzanne, I feel I can relate to you, I actually was put in a private hospital because My dad did not want anyone to know about me or the idea I might have something wrong with me. He let his second wife beat on me, strangle, me and nearly drown me and still defended her in the end. I was considered an embarrassement to my dad and he would not let me see my biological mom, I felt like a guinea pig in the hospital and put on medications that they give an adult to control their temper. I have managed to have a good doctor now but back in 1978 they did not know much more about bipolar or schyzophrenia than they did in the early 70s and child abuse was considered a family issue so I felt alone and when I finally came out of the many institutions my father had me placed in it was hard for me then as well. I am raising a family now and have had some episodes, but God has watched out for me and none of those episodes caused my children any harm, I do thank
God for that. I am happy that you have some support even if it is not family, it is someone you trust as I trust my doctor and actually my second oldest daughter. You would love this girl, she is one in a million to me and when clinics pushed me around she was always there to help me. I got passed around in clinics as well , I guess that is how I feel I can relate to you. God bless you.

After reading the replies to your email, I was thinking about barb’s husband who says he is not crazy, I feel for her and her children. I understand that it is easy to deny that there is something wrong on the outside, but a huge internal fight going on inside, asking why am I like this, is there something wrong with me? At the same time, I pretended that there was nothing wrong. There were internal feelings that I could not put into words or describe, because I did not understand what bipolar was truly. It was a relief to me to have an answer to why I lived in what I called a private H—.

In my family, we use a lot of humor to help us deal with things, both positive and negative. We cant park in the handicapped spot because being ‘crazy’ does not qualify me for it…. among other things.

We support one another, taking meds, and trying to do what is right. I will be the first to admit that I was ready to stop taking my meds the last time I went through depression, because it must not be working. Right now my mood is what I classify as ‘slightly’ elevated. I am using this time to get a lot done, I am still sleeping okay, and I am not out of control. I am worried about he crash that usually happens at the end of one of these mini episodes. I am a rapid cycler, and I am still trying to figure out what my triggers are.

amada b vera cruz said, “is important u beleieve all the docotr says other wise you wont heal…”
But what are you to think if one doctor after another says different things? Which of them should you believe? My own thoughts in this are that we need to trust the doctor on the matter of medication …. provided we can see they help us over time. We should not trust the doctor to know how we feel! We are the experts on our own illness, although we may not be when it comes to how it must be treated, but we know how we feel better than anyone, least of all a doctor who has never known what it feels like to be BP. In short, we need to work with a doctor as partners in our treatment, not being subservient to them. They know a lot but they don’t know everything. They don’t know how we feel and they don’t know like we know how the meds affect us. They need to listen to us just as much as we need to listen to them!

Dave: My husband is definitely undiagnosed bi-polar. He has wonderful days, but there are the days of name caling, yelling for no reason, getting mad in an instant. The problem is he will not seek treatment and believes I am the one who is crazy. I started getting information from you about a month ago and have been trying to deal with this. I feel I am a strong woman and can take a lot, but where I draw the line is my 14 year old daughter. Within the past month . . this depression mode has gotten worse and he has started the name calling and torment towards her. Calling her a piece of shit, tired of her being in the spotlight, etc. Worse things. On Feb. 25th, I had had enough. When my two youngest step-daughters felt compelled to tell me what their dad had said about my daughter and they cried and was scared for me to leave. I had to leave for my daughter. I love my husband, I love my step children, but the problem is I love my daughter too. I have been trying to talk to my husband to get this thing worked out. (My daughter is a straight A student, does not act up and an all around good kid) My husband believes the whole problem is my daughter and everything is her fault. Her faults (according to him – – she is always in front of every pic taken (she is small for her age), she opens fridge door and stares in it, she doesn’t get up fast enough when it is time to help with dishes. His kids do the same thing . . but he doesn’t see it. I don’t want to lost my family – – he needs help and refuses to think anything is wrong. To make the story worse . . his family knows he needs help, but everyone, all of his life, has tiptoed around, just to not make him mad. Everyone of them. I have even seen his mom and myself order things on a menu that we did not want, just to not make him mad. Please, if someone could give me some guidance. I want to go back – – my daughter does not and I don’t know what to do

Dawn.
BP or whatever, he sure sounds like he’s undiagnosed for something! There is no point in you running around on tip toes – you owe it to yourself and your daughter to live “normally” and not to be intimidated by him/his illness. Hehas a right to treatment but no right to spoil your life, as you have no right to spoil your daughter’s by pressurising her to live with him.

For what it’s worth, I think you should consider staying well a way until he agrees AND STARTS, and TO CONTINUE to get treatment. I mean “until”. That may be next week, next month, next year, for ever. iF you get that commitment, make sure your agreement with him is entirely dependent on him keeping up the treatment, or you’ll be outta there as quick as he can say, “but…”!

You and your daughter have a right to some normality in your lives, and he/his illness has no right to impose abnormality on you. Sure, he’s ill and he needs help. But until he can see through the shutters put in front of his eyes by the illness, no one can help him unless he’s carted off to hospital after doing something obviously crazy. And you and your daughter sure as heck don’t want to be whater it is he does something crazy to! It may well be that he really can’t see that anything is wrong. What’s the difference between a neurotic and a psychopath? The neurotic thinks thry are mad, while the psychopath (also read BP in full mania) knows THEY are not! What I am saying is that it may not be simply a case of him “refusing” to have treatment – if he believes there is nothing wrong with him, why the Hell would be agree to getting treatment? Would you? Of course not. But knowing that he is delusional about his own condition doesn’t help you or your daughter. If he’s like that you, and he is everything you describe, nho way are you going to convince him otherwise. So, there is no point in you staying to support a guy in illness who doesn’t believe he is ill.

Look after yourself and your daughter first because you CAN do something to help you and her.

y wife is having a hard time with her Bipolar disorder as well… she has been seeing her therapist and has been taking her medication… Lexapro for Bipo and Xanax for anxiety. She has been opening up more and more which I take as a good sign… right?
She says she just wants to be “normal” and seems to have reached a place where she wants help… where she knows she is not well. She is upset that what she feels and how she may react controls the people around her… she told me last night that it made her sad to see her mother and myself going out of our way to do things for her because she may get worked up (she said it is ok to cater to her… but only if was because she is being spoiled not becuase she didn’t feel well LOL). Then she thanked me for just being there to listen.
I am a recovering addict and the way she describes feeling is similar to the way I have felt in the past… alone… trapped in my head. I said that I too had similar feelings and that NA support groups helped by opening my eyes to the fact that other people have the same crazy feelings and thoughts that I have… I said it helped me to hear that other people have been in similar situations and listening to how they coped and dealt with what was going on. I learned that I was not alone… She responded that she feels like she is screaming inside and no one is listening/hearing… she did say that she would like to try a support group or small therapy group so that she can be around others with whom she can identify. I Love her and just want the best for her…
James

graham
as i just learning all this? not that no1 will ever be an expert is suppose wi every1 bein different? i just wanted to ask if its the norm to push people away,,, was just thinking bout what u said bout learning to live with him as he is,,but most of the time it aint my choice! cos its him that doesnt want me or anybody else close to him,,,hes fine with the friends cos they dont mean anything to him.. but the ones that does he pushes away BIG time! thank you very much for your help,,it has really gave me a big understanding of the things that i need to get thinking about
i really do appreciate your time to read and reply to me! thanx

Vicki, I know this situation, too. Mine isn’t very sympathetic or understanding, either. When I say anything about no feeling well – generally my “shorthand” for saying I’m more depressed than just having the blues, or having a mini mixed mood – I generally either get no reaction (as if she didn’t hear) or she rolls er eyes to the ceiling. My pension only brings a modetincome into the house, which is used mostly for clothing and feeding ALL of us, including my wife when she’s home, and paying all other measure of bills – gas, electric, car maintenance and tax, local government(Council) tax, etc.. he spends half the year working abroad for what she says is a modest income that she plows totally (as far as I’m allowed to see) into special holidays for herself and our boys. That means, of course, I’m left caring for the boys all on my own for half the year, through every kind of mood swing. If I can put it this way – she loves the boys but she’s prepared to leave them with me in whatever state of mind and behaviour that may occur! Of course, that’s a big incentive to me to not give in to the BP. But as you know, it’s very often no a case of giving in! It’s so often a case of having to let the b####d roll in, soak you and roll out again, like the upstoppable tides of the ocean. Otherwise, I have no intimate support – my Mum, who now lives locally, can’t even support herself, let alone me (except with the occasional financial sub’) – rather, I have to support her! More pressure, more to waggle the stability of my moods.
So, what do I do for support? For a start, I vent my spleen! When I get angry about this I complain to any friends I have (who can only offer moral support, ittle practical) for as long as they’ll stand it, which isn’t much for some of them! It makles no tangible difference to the problem excepty it makes me feel better rather than leave any sense of greivance festering inside! Second, I have a network of contacts who have similar chronic conditions and we vent spleen about our illnesses, and how they affect us, to each other, knowing few others are willing to really listen or who really understand what we are talking about, who won’t offer silly advice. Otherwise, it too often feels like living on a low level island that’s surrounded by what appears to be an ever rising sea, like I can survive the occasional high tides, but this all looks like it will eventually overwhelm and drown me. I shall have to devise some kind of contingency plan, to see if any of the “moral support” will take in the boys if I have a really big emergency, while wife is still abroad.

we are new supporters in the last 2 years and it so so important to have a plan as david says. also realize that the supporters need to support each other in order to carry on and be supportive to the person who is ill. knowledge is power-read everything you can on BP and how to deal with it. there are varying degrees-not everyone is the same! faith in GOD is very important for our whole family even for the one with BP. churches can be very supportive and some have groups for people with mental illness conditions that can be very helpful. Prayer is very usefull to us even though we get discouraged at times but there is a plan which you can work with to deal with this illness. i think if i feel this impatient sometimes with wanting a solution overnite, how must our loved one feel? we are the rocks to support them! Blessings!

Hi Donna, I remember feeling like I was alone in this world but after wanting to know more about BP found Mr. Olivers website here and I feel more educated which is an important thing to me. I recently discovered that my youngest daughter suffers from either bipolar or schyzophrenia, possibly both and I take several different meds myself for the same thing, seraquol is not one of them but have a brother in law that does because we have a whole family with the same problems so I don’t feel alone anymore but I did at one time and it is frightening to feel like you don’t have any one to turn to , talk to etc. and Mr. Oliver has been very informative for all of us, there is now only 2people in this house who are supporters to the rest and one of them is only 3 yrs. old actually make that 3 people. My boyfriend swears he is not but I still don’t know, lol he is rather irresponsible and totally irrational sometimes, I mean out in left field throwing curves. Oh well I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone and I do understand where you are coming from.

littleone.

Speaking as one with BP, although not as one of the more serious cases (usually!) and one who does take his meds religiously, I mean regularly! Sometimes shock tactics can work in breaking through the silent treatment. Like this. “You either talk to me about this or I’m leaving in the morning.” And do it if he doesn’t! Bang! With a bit of luck he’ll notice you ain’t there and jolt him through to sufficient state of compus mentis so he realises he’s alone with the BP and how much he needs your help. This MIGHT work. On the other hand, don’t bet on it. What else to do? Leave anyway. When he does finally come to, which may not be for weeks, he’ll realise you are missing, come looking for you and THEN you can make a deal along the lines of, “I stay or I go, I stay with you IF you take your meds. If you don’t, I’m gone.” That done, you will regain some, not all, control over the situation because you will then be able to use the threat of going before his condition gets totally out of hand by not taking the meds. You see, there will be a period between when he stops taking them and when he’s gone with the fairies. That’s when the threat of leaving works.
BUT … when he IS in a state of mind to be reasoned with (and remember, with BP in its worse, there ain;’t no reasoning with it – remember that – sometimes you just have to wait your turn to speak) ask him WHY he doesn;’t take the meds and prob and prob until you feel you are getting a straight answer. The straight answer may be he hates the side effects, or it may be he doesn’t feel they have much effect on him, or may be he like the highs he gets without the meds and the meds make him feel more depressed all the time, without getting some relief from them with a high. With ANY of these answers, he needs to see the pDoc because a change of med would probably be appropriate. The thing is, for one with BP, there seems no point in taking tablets that make you feel even worse than the illness!