Hi,
I hope you’re doing well today.
Let me ask you a question.
Are you a willing person?
I bet you are, aren’t you?
Because you’ve been willing, all this time, to put up with your loved one’s bipolar disorder.
Now let me ask you something else.
Is your loved one a willing person?
I don’t mean strong-willed, because that’s something else. Many people with bipolar disorder are strong-willed people.
But is your loved one willing? That’s what I’m getting at.
Because if your loved one is willing, they might be willing to do this:
CHANGE.
Without the willingness to change, there is no hope for stability.
But with the willingness to change, there IS hope for stability.
And isn’t that what it’s all about?
Here’s how it goes:
Willingness leads to change.
Change leads to growth.
Growth leads to stability.
Now think about yourself.
Are you the same person you used to be?
No.
That’s because you’ve changed.
It’s because you “grew up.”
You matured.
Somewhere along the line, you changed the way you thought about things, and changed those patterns of thinking into new ones.
But has your loved one done that?
Perhaps not.
Perhaps they even resent you for doing it while they haven’t.
Maybe it has to do with you being positive, willing to change, while they’re still being negative, and unwilling to change.
In my courses/systems, I talk about how your attitude has so much to do with how you or your loved one progress in your recovery:
NEW
LEARN THE SECRETS OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL WITH
BIPOLAR DISORDER?
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/bipolarmastersystem/
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
Have you changed enough to be willing to help your loved one to change as well?
Have you learned enough about bipolar disorder to know that change is very hard for someone with the disorder?
I know someone in a 12-step program, and they told her when she first got in the program, “The only thing you have to change is everything.”
Can you imagine being told that?
Well, that’s practically what your loved one was told when they were diagnosed, isn’t it?
They thought things were a certain way, and then they were told they have bipolar disorder. And with that diagnosis came some changes they would have to make.
What changes? Everything!
Their sleep patterns. Their exercise patterns. Their eating patterns.
Their daily routine. Probably their job.
The way they think. The way they feel. The way they deal with things (and other people).
The way they approach life, and especially stress and stressful situations.
That they have to take medications every day now.
That now they have to see a doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist on a regular basis, and report to them (now, that’s probably a REAL big change for them – they’re an adult, after all, and not used to reporting to anyone!).
Can you imagine all these changes at once? It must have been so overwhelming for your loved one.
Still, these changes must take place in order for them to reach stability.
And, in order for you to become a good supporter, you had to join in on many of these changes as well. And that may not have been very easy for you.
I know, because I had to do it, and I had to help my mom through it.
But change is necessary for growth.
And growth is necessary for stability.
And so I ask you:
Has your loved one been able to do it?
Have you been able to do it?
David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
My Son is bipolar manic bipolar and he is in jail at the moment headed to prison eventually.I ahve tried so hard to make him get help and he is presently taking meds for his disorder. He will or could be in prison a long time this time. He served two years the first time got out, was out from december to november and now he is back in. sometimes I don’t know which way to turn. I love him so much but he has practically ruined his life and it will be a long road back.it is hard to tell if he will be ok or not. it is dependent on so many things least of all his understanding and his willingness to do what it takes to lead a productive life for himself.
My Son is bipolar, manic bipolar and he is in jail at the moment headed to prison eventually.I ahve tried so hard to make him get help and he is presently taking meds for his disorder. He will or could be in prison a long time this time. He served two years the first time got out, was out from december to november and now he is back in. sometimes I don’t know which way to turn. I love him so much but he has practically ruined his life and it will be a long road back.it is hard to tell if he will be ok or not. it is dependent on so many things least of all his understanding and his willingness to do what it takes to lead a productive life for himself.
in short no,
she has not been able to do this! INFACT.
my ex fiance now 🙁 was only recently told that she has bipolar and she is in compleate denial after trying to talk to her and plead with her she dumped me convinced that i am the problem the reason she felt the way she does
i am at the end of my rope (so to speak) i dont know what to do i love her deeply and she wont have anything to do with me i know she loves me too and i know this state of mind she has become is not the real her but im very nearly at the point of walking away i really dont want to do this i realize the commitment and the hard work involved that it would take from both of us to be together and i am more than willing to do this but no one can seem to get tru to her.
or maybe its not her illness and she simply does not love me any more i honestly dont know anymore
can any one help me please!!!
i am a 25 yr old male nd shes 21
help
hi,
No! I have had to change (alot) but No, he cant, I dont think he could, even if he wanted to, which he doest. He always says “I cant do what I dont want to do”. Catch 22 in my opinion. See he is a very accomplished person really. He came from a disadvantaged background, dropped out of school at15 then went on to become a barrister (atterney). He married-“hit the wall” divorced, married again had 2 kids, “hit the wall”, got divorced- lost everything…Then I met him and agian he built it all up and Boom…”hit the wall”, but I have some knowledge about bipolar(largly thanks to you), and I managed to understand what happend. We survived, but his work and other friendships are suffering still. I know he will build it up again, seems to be a pattern, but the thing is I dont think he can break this pattern. Why? Because I dont think he is strong enough or willing enough to see it. It would mean he would have to face up to a lot, and the stress of it just might make him go “boom” again. So ok, prey do tell my learned friend, what to do here in this situation? How is it best to approach this with him? How can he change without the “boom”? I just want him to be happy and to be the best of what he can be. He is the most amazing person I know. He should and could have it all,, So how? Can I help or does he need to figure it out on his own???
HEY DUDE……
My partner dos,nt no what change means, It is way or no way, I think he thinks he goes to work so he can do what the h… he likes, he works for is money, then he plays with it.
Take Care Linda
my husband is bipolar, not officially diagnosed, I’m told he is by professionals that I have seaked out for help. He refuses to go to doctor’s, says they are all conspiring with government to get all americans under control by medicating them. we have been together for 25 years, I’ve been told that I can’t get him help until he has a crisis, is this the only thing I can do?
my husband is sick, if the situation was reversed I would be in to the doctor so fast my head would spin.
I know he is sick, I do what I can do to help, he family refuses to see he is sick. I have changed so much, I’m the responsible one, the care giver, the watcher, the doer. however at the same time, for me, visiting with my family and friends is difficult, we only get together when he is at work. we have so much debt because of his spending spree’s, it’s difficult to live paying the debt. he at least still has the same job he’s had for over thirty years. He has only presented fully with bipolar the last five years, long story there. To say that my life is complicted is an understatement, when he goes into an episode it’s scary, they have become to be called immature tizzies. Counselors tell me to get out, the abuse I sufer under when he is in one of his episodes is emotionally draining, so say the least my nerves are worn.
the hardest thing, is to find out that there is nothing I can do to get him help, until he hurts himself or someone else, scary to have to wait for that to happen.
He’s stubborn, strong willed and just as strongly in denial, I wish he could get help, so he could be well and happy and not so negative, angry and scary, if only there was a way, to get him help with out having to wait and ride things out.
I have had to change and try to under stand so muchmore then I ever thoughtI would, I do not have bipolar nor does ant one in my family we are all able to have normal lives per say ……..we all work,pay our bills,follow the law,think before we act,treat everyone fair,we all get along mostly,we are kind of just going a long and sort of fit into a good life .I was married young and allways worked,my husband always worked and we saved our money ,took vac when we could we waited to buy a house before having any children.we are great together it took 9 years but it was worth every minute,we were living the dream with hard work just like his family and mine.the day we had our son was one of the best days of our life,we still worked hard to keep our family ,jobs, friends,and we belived that hard work ,good family values,would lead to the life we worked so hard for,18 months later we would be blessed with a daughter this was the 2nd best day of our life …..she was a good babie as well as our son ,,,,when she was about 2she started to become very active much more then any of my friends children,family and friends would say you have your hands full and we would just say she is full of live always moving,talking .very smart on the go type of kid we were very active also ,,,,,,but all the parenting,we tryed she would always be along for the ride, she wanted to be with us no matter what but,it just seemed like she was never happy for long,when she was 8 we started to realize that something was not ok that something was going on,we tryed very hard as a family we had lots of help from docs but things would never really work;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;by the time she was 14 we would come to realize again that no matter what help we would get/give would make a difference in how she would see the world ,we had to change the way we would see her life and ours;;;;;;;;;;;;;we had to try to see the world the way we thought she saw it witch is threw the eyes of a bipolar person does ,,,,the things she did and still does is so hard for us we dont do so many of the things she does because they are wrong ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;it is hard to see our daughter doing things that are worng/hurtfull to us and others ,we try every day to see how she thinks some days she is on the same page as us then the next few days she is in her own world with it seems like her own set of rules and many times these rules have a bad out come ………….then we try to get back to the same page. she is so smart and knows what she needs to do to be stable ,but like many she stops taken her meds when things are going well ,as to you question ,,,,,,,,,,,YES we have had to CHANGE ,,,,,,,,,the way we live our live to try to help our daughter our life took a big turn around when we finally realized that the way she was would have nothing to do with us as parents but the way she was born ,it might have been a little better for our family if we had had another family member with with problems we would have been able to see it more clearly ,she is 20 now and is in treatment now after beging away for 8 months and no meds,we still try every day to help her help her self because she is the only one that can CHANGE the way she thinks and behaves ,we keep the HOPE alive that she will change this time to just realize she needs the neds ,,,,,,,,,,,,I had hoped for a better life for our daughter but we hve CHANGED our thoughts on that matter we just want her to be happy,not hurt herself or others and remain STABLE””””””””””””””””then all the wounderfull things she should have will come for her with hard work and CHANGE she can do anything. ************************************************
Is he willing to change?…. “We are what we do” …. So, obviously, unfortunately, I have to admit to the answer…. NO ! My husband has been cycling and struggling for 8 years with what has been diagnosed as ‘depression’. Beyond a shadow of a doubt TO ME, ‘bipolar disorder’. As the years progress, I have grown and changed TREMENDOUSLY! From timid and thoroughly ignorant of mental disorders, to actually enabling as I rode the roller coaster with him, to educated (thank you to individuals alike to David Oliver) and slowly growing to become almost expert at being his supporter. This has been a long and difficult process. Words make it sound so simple… learning to practice constant ON THE SPOT patience and kindness through out this time has been my journey. In the midst of being his supporter, It felt as though ‘I lost ME’ a few times. My life IS consumed with attempting to keep my husband ‘in check’.
We have ‘done it all’ at this point. I continue to inquire, (plead, beg ..yuck!… feels so desperate!) …. WHEN, HOW, OR EVEN DOES THIS BEHAVIOR ACCOMPANYING THE ILLNESS CHANGE TO STABLE ?
Did you hit the bottom line in this email today David? Is the TRUE answer, when the sufferer IS TRULY WILLING?
The obvious BIG unanswered question…………. HOW could a wife ever know WHEN or even IF the day of his true willing to live a stable way of life might kick in and REMAIN to be his desire to admit, cope and manage as a forever way of life?
Having the courage to educate ME, change me, I CAN control………. Constantly seeking and growing…..
Having the wisdom to know when I can make a difference……….. I do. To know I cannot change his WILL ……………… It is HIS alone.
WHEN DO I WALK AWAY AND LIVE A ‘NORMAL’ LIFE WITH A BROKEN PIECE OF MY HEART? OR DO I?
For all of us struggling, loving, strong & positive supporters…… we would like your expert (and that is what I consider it…. Or I wouldn’t be awaiting your daily emails as I do………… and from reading others’ responses, I dare say, I am FAR from alone in considering you, David as close to ‘expert’ in this matter then anyone else I have come across)
WHEN OR DO WE EVER WALK AWAY OUT OF TOUGH LOVE WITH COURAGE AND FAITH?? For me, I feel the only way I could live with walking away would be to deal with the relationship as DEAD……….. mourn with the ending of this relationship in as healthy a manner as one mourns the mortal death of a loved one………
Give the relationship, the illness, the ill-willed person with the illness up to God and pray pray pray………………….. AND JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU HAVE PRAYED ENOUGH………. PRAY MORE…. AND NEVER STOP LOVING AND PRAYING!
So….. Mr. David Oliver……. I dare speak for so many of us and ask as if you have a ‘miracle’ answer for us? DO, and if so, WHEN ……..
Do we ever walk away and live with a piece of our heart broken…. Yet, LIVE and continue to learn and love and make a difference when sharing ourselves with others in truth, peace and harmony and inner happiness? I have never had to walk away from anything in my life without healthy proper closure….. IS THERE A WAY TO DO THIS WITH PEOPLE WHO SUFFER WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER? I PRAY THERE IS……….
At best, I would like to always consider myself one strong spoke in my husbands wheel of his life that will somehow come full circle one day……….. KNOW THAT I LOVE MY HUSBAND AS I LOVE ALL OF GOD’S CHILDREN………..
I also know that God does not want anyone of his children abused………. Pain and suffering and mourning are a part of ‘life’………….. yet allowing yourself to be abused is surely a very separate issue……… regardless of the abusers mental disorders.
Agree? Disagree?
When my daughter was first diagnosed with BP I was completely unaware at all of the enormity of the change we would both have to undergo: and it was all baseline fundamental change and this change would have to be ongoing and current and exhausting and always frightening, since, change in itself challenges long held self beliefs of the ways things should be, meant to be, there would be no such thing as a comfort zone.
And all this started on the day I signed my daughter into the mental hospital for the first time.
And on many many occassions since that time I’ve had to examine my own motives for the things that I have done and make decisions that have not been easy to make that go against my own life experiences.
The greatest change Ive had to make on this journey, was my mind set (my ignorance) about what mental illness Bipolar really is.
My daughter has had to change as well and only she is the best judge of that discussion.
But the one thing I have never changes is my belief that my daughter will make a full recovery and will become a high functioning member of the community once again.
My daughter has been positive and calm and loving mother to her sons for the last 3 weeks we are blessed.
Regards
Shona
My husband is 62 and wil not change so far. He takes his meds in the amount he wants to. He abuses alcohol and smokes pot. It makes him worse and he refuses to see it.
I wonder how many people have heard their loved ones say this.
The meds make me not feel well
Who is to say what is normal
You do not understand. I am on a different level.
You want to destroy my dreams. I make the money and I should decide where it is spent. This after he put us in debt and to exist we had to refinance house which was the money I had worked for all my life.
He takes and I give. That is the way it is.
WOW! There is a LOT of pain in these blogs today! Yes – I have been able to CHANGE, but only because, in a sense, I was FORCED to change. I had 2 of my 3 breakdowns while I was ON medications, so they are NOT a panacea. Sometimes, the mania “creeps” up on me, and before I know it, I’m in a full-blown manic episode, requiring hospitalization. Fortunately, I’ve been on the RIGHT “cocktail” for 32 years, and only suffer minor, mini-episodes that can be taken care of outpatient.
Through trial and error, I know HOW to take my meds, when I need them, get the sleep I require, exercise, and eat nutritiously. But – it has been a struggle, and ALL the changes I’ve made have made me a different person from what I was before the diagnosis. In fact, I don’t even REMEMBER what I was like before my first breakdown. Am I better? Worse? I can’t answer those questions, but I do know I’m more compassionate and willing to give of myself to anyone in need.
I suggest that the woman who is struggling to decide whether to leave her husband or not – TAKE CARE OF NUMBER ONE! If there is sufficient ABUSE, you MUST take care of yourself. Unless your husband gets/is in treatment, he WON’T change. Change the things you CAN – yourself, and use “Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,” and the wisdom to know the difference.
It is a TRUISM that people with bipolar HAVE to change the way they look at the world and their place in it in order to become stable. Take your meds; see your shrink; see your therapist; and be HONEST with yourself about your diagnosis. Only by doing these “changes,” can you hold out hope for CHANGE.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
I AM THE MOTHER OF A DAUGHTER WHO HAS BIPOLAR. i AM HER ONLY SOURCE OF SUPPORT, YET I AM CONTINUALLY TOLD THAT I AM THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEMS NOT HER. MY FAMILY WANT ME TO GIVE UP ON HER, BUT I CAN,T I AM HER MOTHER. I AM TOLD TO GET OUT OF HER LIFE AS I DON,T LOVE HER, WHILE THE REST OF FAMILY TELL ME I LOVE HER TOO MUCH. I DON,T KNOW WHAT TO DO AS I SEEM TO BE HER TRIGGER. IT HAS GOT ME TO THINKING WHAT IS CAUSING THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE WITH THIS HORRIBLE PROBLEM. IS IT OUR LIFESTYLE? THE PRESERVITIVES IN EVERYTHING WE EAT? THE STRESS PEOPLE PUT ON THEMSELVES TO “KEEP UP WITH THE JONE,S” IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING OR IS IT THE WAY PEOPLE ABUSE DRUGS AND ALCAHOL. WHAT DO I DO, GIVE UP OR CONTINUE. I HATE SEEING WHAT I DO TO HER AS I LOVE HER SO MUCH.
THANKS FOR LETTING ME VENT.
My 48 year old stepdaughter has bi-polar and has made great changes in the past five years, although when she has her depressive swings she becomes a tyrant. Such is her present state where she has broken all ties with family members except with the Dad and I. Also, her siblings and their partners, neices and nephews etc. are adamant that her only problem is that she is seeking attention and/or she is jealous or envious. My big problem is that I am caught in a catch 22 siuation. If I invite her and her family to a family function(e.g.)at an Easter Celebration other family members won’t come because of their deteriorated relationship with her. And if I make an effort to invite her/family on another date, the rest of the family are angry with `their Dad and I. The underlying problem as I see it is that no one is ready to admit their role in the whole affair and to have the guts to ask forgiveness of her. Where do I go from here, David???
From a limited experience as a carer it seems to me that the real problem lies in the attitude of society in general to those whose behaviour deviates from the accepted norm. The fear of been stigmatised is the greatest barrier to those with BP in seeking help. Diagnosed, hospitalised, medicated and yet in angry denial this seems to be the pattern. It seems to me that a society to be truly civilised must find a way of ENDING THIS CRUEL STIGMA AS HAS BEEN DONE FOR LEPROSY AND PHYSICAL DISABILITIES. MORE IN HOPE THAN EXPECTATION Thank You MARY KEANE
No, it doesn’t seem that he wants to, either. Its more like my boyfriend wants everyone to cater to him. He flat out refuses to do anything that is not to his benefit. That includes everything from daily house duties, to personal hygiene. He has accepted that he is bipolar, and takes his meds, but that is all. How do I get this to change?
Dear Dave,
My son, Daniel, 33, suffers with bi polar one disorder. He takes Haldol, cylexa and visteril, recently prescribed by mental health dept. I filed for disability on Feb. 07. The stage is at appeal hearing level, to be heard on April, 16th, 09. I am sole support for my son. He has had rapid cycling episodes, and many suicide attempts were made, because of these episodes, untreated, this illness can lead to arrests. They did! My son was beaten twice, raped, in prison. He spent two and a half years in an Iowa prison, for stealing sunglasses, during a snowstorm! My son is home now, in Ca. I pay for his rented room, his food, medications etc. The financial stress has brought more stress to my life because I have lost my credit, have bill collectors calling daily, lost my bank account, became overdrawn in October, 08. the day my son became homeless, two weeks later, my father died! I paid for motel rooms until I could locate a rented room, in a home, close to the court ordered course my son attends every sunday. He does not own transportation, he owns nothing! I have tried to give him as much as I can, to at least keep him going until he receives help. I am in despair, in pain, due to fibromyalgia, and fighting, daily, for my son, so that he can have a chance to live, with this mental illlness, by way of medications. Daniel is a white male, 6 ft. blond hair, blue eyes, speaks well, appears normal, has a high iq, but the illness has taken away his freedom, and caused much traumas. I cannot give up, refuse to stop trying to help him. This is the year, his voice will be heard! My son deserves the right to live with his disability, and to have the most meager necessities of life. He was refused food stamps, in October, 08, and I am writing to the governor, in hopes that he will help my son. I must walk into that hearing on April 16th, present all the facts about bi polar one, at its most extreme form. My son, Daniel was diagnosed, by Army National Guard, in 1995, with this disease, and also with Schzoid Personality Disorder. He was medically discharged, at age 19. I now see him at 33, with no work history, and isolated. I need someone to care! I need financial help for my son. I would rather give up my life than watch my son lose his! Thank You for listening, Sincerely, Terry at terryrumsey@msn.com
Please read my message above, Thank You!
my son has not changed at all and i agree with most of your emails but this one i do disagree bipolar is different in everyone as all of you know but with my son nothing changed with his diagnosis of bipolar disorder except the meds he was given just because you are diagnosed as bipolar does not change who you are yes you have to take meds and go to the therapist but other than that the only change you can get is stable and thats a good change not a bad one but you are right on the point that they have to want to and my son does not want to he is happy just the way it is no matter how many bruises he puts on other people and him self or how many things he breaks or even the fact that he is unable to attend school hospitalizing when he is suicidal doesn’t even faze him he just learns more things from the other kids
He everyone,
To ‘hanging on by a thread’
You were saying your partner takes his meds and that’s about all.
My husband has Bi-Polar, and after knowing him for 26 years my personal opinion is:
Sucess and Satbility is a three part formula
One third – medication THE CORRECT MEDICATION – don’t give up till you get it right!
One third – Support – not just the partner, but friends and family.
One Third Therapy – be it cognitive or like in my husbands case is dealing with a ‘professional Breathworker’ who deals with the Mind, Body and Spirit connection of his illness.
I know this all sounds easy – in practice it has taken 14 years of trying to get it right.
Yep – like many of you, I’ve had the Abuse, the Debt, the destruction – but finally I feel like there really is a light at the end of the Tunnel instead of that Tunnel continually getting Longer.
My best wishes and sincere regards to all of you supporters – I honestly believe our partners will never really know what we have done for them, but I have learned over the years – don’t expect any thanks and you won’t be disappointed. We too have choices – predominantely for me, it’s who do I CHOOSE to be in this situation – is it a struggle or an opportunity for growth – what represents the HIGHEST version of me?
There really is NO GOOD OR BAD – simply our judgement about a particular situation. Weigh it and make your choice- to stay or go. Neither should you accept anyone elses Judgement for the choice you make- until they have ‘walked a mile in your shoes’ they cannot know.
Over the Years I have had as many people advise me to stay as I have had advising me to leave. Remember that choice is always YOURS to make – no one elses.
Hope these comments help someone!
HI Dave!what a wonderful sight that you have made.Iam the Father of a 22 year old Beautiful Daughter and she was Dignose with bipolar at the age 15 yrs old.AT the present time she is in thearpy at Laura Ridge Med Ctr do to alchol and pain pills and this was cause by a family friend that sexually molested my Daughter when she was 16 yrs old.I just find out about this today on this sex thing ,what i would like to do is beat that Bastard until he call me uncle Joe.I also suffer from bipolar,P.T.S.D.and ANXIETY.Iam Medicated for my illneses,I read your letters every day and they are very helpful in unstanding this disease.Thanks Dave.