Hope you’re doing ok?
I spent the entire day in libraries yesterday. I wanted to get back to my roots so to speak. I haven’t been in too long.
I got so much done. I don’t know what it is, but I can get 5 times more done in a library than in my office.
I am currently working on one of the most complex problems I have ever dealt with in my entire life– not to be dramatic.
But I am.
Anyway, I had to read about 500 pages. One thing I read was a book on bipolar disorder as well is many other things.
Here’s a quote I read from a book called “Taming Bipolar Disorder”:
It said, “To most of the world, bipolar disorder is… something that happens to ‘them,’ those other people, those crazy people. But to you, it’s personal. The face of bipolar disorder is that of your daughter, your husband, your sister, your father, or your best friend. It still might be scary, but it’s part of your life. It’s not them. It’s us.”
Welcome to the world of the supporter of a loved one with bipolar disorder. I know. I am one.
It may not be pretty, but most of us didn’t have a choice, did we? If you care about someone who has bipolar disorder, you are a supporter.
Supporting a loved one with the disorder can be stressful much of the time and, as a result, supporters are plagued with stress-related illnesses and even their own depression.
You also have to deal with things like:
· the stigma of society
· possible rejection of friends and family
· effects of the disorder on your children
· your loved one’s mood swings
· possible abuse during episodes
· possible hospitalization of your loved one
· legal and financial ramifications
· other possible ramifications of a bipolar episode
· social isolation
· and other issues
Statistics like the fact that there may be something like 13 million people in this country with bipolar disorder don’t affect you. Your life centers around one person – your loved one, and their bipolar disorder.
Your world consists of the daily fighting the disorder and your loved one’s mood swings (and sometimes imminent bipolar episodes). Sometimes you win the fight and sometimes you lose the fight. And sometimes you feel like giving up the fight altogether.
If you don’t have a strong support system of your own, you may not make it through the fight.
It’s very important that, as a supporter, you take care of yourself FIRST. If you don’t, you won’t have the strength to take care of your loved one. If you are totally isolated from the outside world, your loved one’s bipolar disorder will totally take over your own world.
Having your own strong support system and taking care of yourself are just two of the topics I strongly go over in my courses/ and systems below, because I believe they’re so important to the supporter of a loved one with bipolar disorder (as well as someone with the disorder themselves):
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
You need to maintain outside contact, have interests of your own, hobbies, an outside job, attend a group for supporters of loved ones with bipolar disorder, and other like activities.
You need to take a break from your all-consuming life as a supporter once in awhile. Go to a movie, visit a friend, take a class on something you enjoy… just something that will get your mind off the stress of your daily responsibilities.
The most important thing for you to remember is that being a supporter for a loved one with bipolar disorder is not WHO you are.
You have an identity apart from that. Your very own identity. And you need to nurture that side of you.
For many supporters, keeping a journal of their feelings has helped them to do this. Others have found solace by seeing their own therapist. Whatever works for you, you must do something for yourself to maintain your own identity.
The world of the supporter can be stressful much of the time. However, it can also be managed if you work at it.
FIND OUT WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT ME
Visit: http://www.bipolarcentral.com/testimonials
Your Friend,
Dave
David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
I have been a supporter of my loved one’s and though I had to learn alot on my own, I also had many mentors to help me along the way. Today my son and Husband are both stable and are able to recognize thier triggers on why they go into episodes. We are a happy family, with a plan. It is true what Dave says regarding taking time out for yourself. If is important, even as a partent you need to take a time out. It helps your wellbeing. But also never stop learning. The techniques that are working today, maybe need to be revised in a couple of years. Thanks Dave for all your hard work.
Yes it is so very easy to get caught up on your loved ones bi-ploar swings.
I am experiencing this right now. He is in the depressional stage and will not get help. His business is failing- and he absoulty has no motivation to
be productive. He wakes up every morning in a panic mode and cannot function. He is about to loose his home , his business of 30 years, the home he purchased for his son. (We have been dating for about a year and he is the most sweetest, caring person but—–it is very trying and yes I have been advised to get out of this situation. Who Knowes.
At church last night the sermon was titled “Prepare your Arc”.
As Noah bulity an Arc based on faith- in God. Not ever building a boat- much less one so large as God requested, and Noah saved his family through faith and trust alone. Prepare yourself,take care of your self or you cannot help anyone else.
This is very hard to do when you are involved with someone who is bi-ploar and refuses to join a group, find a doctor he likes-his pride is holding him back. However the sermon last night helped me to get back on track.
I am starting a new job and will continue to help him part time- but I have to take care of my business first.
Dave, this “World of bipolar” reminds me of my son who says, “You’re being petty!” When I tell my kids I need things in order around the house to function. It is petty to him because he doesn’t care about order and cleanliness, but it is important to me and it is my house! I have a difficult time getting my needs met when they are so different from others at home, but they are still my needs.
Thank you, yet again, this message game at the absolute right time. Last night my son had an episode and broke down crying (after his anger out bursts) and said that everyone hates him because he is bipolar. I struggle day in and day out with him and getting along with people. He has a tendency to like to be in charge and if he does not get his way, he fights them, or makes up stories to get others in trouble. This has been a huge problem in our house hold lately and I am having the hardest time dealing with it. Especially when he is getting other family members in trouble with these lies. Thanks Dave, sometimes, you say exactly what I need to hear the day it is needed. I truly am thankful for finding your support. You are a major part of my support.
Wow, you’ve said a lot about what it’s like to be a supporter of a loved one with the disorder. My ex-husband is not diagnosed…he’s not living with me “Bipolar Meltdown”; but my therapist and people from a support group said “Oh yeah…he’s got it”.
So how do we support someone long distance? He disappeared for 8 months, I mean not a word from him. Now I get calls in fast succession or none for days. He’s in financial trouble (what else is new?). I guess he’s also in emotional trouble.
All I can do is be on the phone and as nonjudgemental as possible. There are other things that I shouldn’t lose sight of also: 1) since his disappearance there’s been no money stolen from me, no pornography on my computer, no rages or threats, 2) the dogs are calmer, and 3) I’ve actually made a few friends. Does that mean I wouldn’t help him if he came back…NO…I’d help! Rest assured, however, that the rules would be different from when he lived here before. Oh, and by the way, we’d BOTH take your courses.
I’ve used this website and your insights to prepare me for my husband’s possible return.
Thanks,
Linda
My fiance’ has this awfull disease and it is very hard on everyone!!! She also has a number of other diagoisis including PTSD- ost tramtic stress disorder, borderline pesonality disprder,agoraphobia, bi-polar with pychotic episodes, major anxiety and panic disorder, substance abuse, she tries to self medicate herself with other chemicals, also she has obesesive compusulsive disorder!!! she has been denied social security disabily several times we finally went to court on it in April 08′ she still has not gotten a answer on that yet they say 2-4 months well were foing on 7 months were strapped for money and there is really no suport groups around for her, and it just has goten so bad!!! I thank you soo much for all ur help and Dave I have just stared Learning things on all her diseses!!! Thanks sooooo much again!!!!!
Dave, You are such a blessing! I commend you on all the time and hard work you put into researching this disorder and most people do not understand just how this disorder effects you and your loved ones but I also know if it has happened to them they certainly would want to research it to help better understand it and want to understand it. My heart goes out to people who suffer from this but it can be helped!!! I thank you for all your hard work and research you have done, I also admire you as you have shown so much love for your own mother and who in their right mind could think about condeming a person for that love. I pray for you and your mother and hope that you continue on with this important research.
A question. How do people with bipolar disorder take over your own world? Do they try to live it? do they try doing your thing instead of their own?
Dave:
I’ve asked you several times now, and you’ve never answered me.
You say that if your loved one is bipolar, you HAVE to become a supporter, but you know that’s not true. Look at your own brother. I’m not speaking for myself – I have the world’s best supporter and a family that’s behind me (for the most part). But many family members turn their back (either out of selfishness, ignorance, shame, or who knows), some people have NO family near them, no “significant others”, no friends who are willing to really get involved.
What are those people with bipolar to do? How does your system work for them? Please answer me this time…
Thanks… Sue
David –
I read your e-mail about the Bi-polar world, as a supporter and having Bi-polar….it made me emtional reading it. I totally agree with your e-mail. The most part is how society treats you when they find out you are Bi-polar, I have dealth with it so many times in my life, I do not even dare tell people, I keep it very private.
I can feel for our supporters, who live withus or are just friends not living with us. I Feel for the ones who do live with the Bi-polar person, it is hard to be with someone with Bi-polar. My other half is my supporter, and we have some interesting moments when my BP moods and what not come. And I agree it is a lot of stress for them, they are trying to cope just as much as we are. Istrongly agree if you do not have a good supporter or none at all it is ten times harder as a BP person to cope, so it is really good you have a positive support, it does makes alll the difference.
We are Bi-polar people, we are hard to deal with at times, but we count to, we have feeling to, we are not “Crazy” likie we are labelled, I do not feel we are crazy, challenged maybe, but not crazy.
I think society needs to learn more about Bi-polar, there should be more education about it so it is not a scary thing to hear, and labelling. Especially for employers who hire an BP person, they always ask on the forms if you have a “disability” that could hinder you doing this work, the minute they find out your BP the challenge is on, so I always lie and say no. But there has to be more education out there to break all of this, it would be more ease for the BP person to function in society and not be ashamed and humiliated or what ever they go through, we are human to with feelings!!!!!
P.S…..
one more note to add to the BP surviving out there. Single BP people I can imagine have a hard time as well. You meet someone, things are going great, your getting along, life is good. Now the fear comes in that what they do and how will they react if they find out if your a Bi-polar person? will they stay or will they leave? that”label” will come? or their fear of you come? I would love to hear feed back from single people out there dating to see if they go through this, not to be nosey or intrusivive kind of thing, I am not single. But when I was it was my worst fear….how do I hide this? what will they think if they find out? how will they treat me and look at me after? those were my fears…how about any one else? do they go through that to? men and women?
Christina MacDonald…Prince George BC
Hi, Dave…I see a lot here about “support” for bipolar disorder, but as the mother of an adult son with bipolar, would like to ask more…. he can’t keep a job, has FINALLY gotten SSI (which amounts to so little it wouldn’t even cover groceries for a month), is supposed to be eligible for food stamps but they keep delaying that too, and is paying $80/week for his group classes…and guess who’s paying his rent? and groceries? We’re at retirement age, but absolutely can’t because his expenses are as much as ours… so who, or what, will keep him from going hungry or being one of the homeless on the street, if we don’t pay for these things??? I think the financial aspect of the disorder is more important than you have addressed in the daily emails… (we can’t afford the entire series). If you don’t have insurance, the medical coverage you are eligible for is
important, though it’s almost impossible to find doctors or a therapist who will accept medicaid. If you are not eligible for private or job-related coverage, the medical bills are astronomical. What help is there for those of us who have to pay for these things? Not much. I do appreciate your positive emails and the information I have received, just don’t know where to go for more “substantial” support of my own. Thanks…
To CHRISTINA: I’ve had two husbands (both of whom died while I was married to them), and I was open and up-front with them about my bipolar. I’m now dating a man who lives downstate from me and visits every weekend. On our first date, I told him about my “disability.”
He had just come out of a tragic situation where his girlfriend died of cancer after two years. He seems to understand that I have “special needs” and is willing to adapt to my “circumstances.”
You’re right, though – sometimes it’s tough to be honest in a dating situation. I have to “feel out” whether the guy is mature enough and open-minded enough to accept my diagnosis.
So far, I haven’t had any complaints!!
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. My prayers are with you.
Have a question please of those with bipolar, after reading many posts is it me or does it sound like most are “bombs” waiting to go off? and that the rest of us need to have our flak jackets and first aid kits standing by…whenever or wherever.
I am not being facetious. I want to understand some of the dynamics of this disorder as my wife is bipolar and being treated by a psychiatrist. Before her diagnosis she put herself and me through what can only be described as a living HELL/NIGHTMARE for several months that I would wish on no one. I thought she at first must be on crack or something the way she started acting ( like an amped off her rocker, mile a minute, self made (and overnight mind you) genious who was blessing us with her “insight”. Not to mention staying out all night drinking, cavorting with any and all, running around spending incredulous amounts of money on you name it, thinking the police were out to kill her and following her. She ended up hooking in TJ, found her on the streets completely psychotic.
She was in a psychiatric hospital for one month and released. They gave her Haldol once a month as a slow release injection and she takes Topamax 100 mg once a day. It has been 2 months since she has had the Haldol.
My question is: should I expect the mania and its hideous behavior to return? What do I look for? How suddenly could it appear and to what degree? Can she become the animal she was instantaneously, or will it need time to develop?
She has been perfect since treatment began, you would never know anything had ever happened????
Do those who struggle with the symptoms daily or even frequently, are they on the right medication?????
I could not deal with the mania on a regular basis, no one could.
Like Dave says, if you haven’t found the right Dr, keep looking. Don’t accept anything less.
This email came at the perfect time- today is our 10th anniversary, and today, my husband (who is not on medicine) is up and down – and it’s hard to keep my heart in this. But because I love him so much, I’m not willing to give up. Last night I finally did something for myself – and boy did that feel good – all I can say is, Dave, you are right – we NEED to take care of ourselves. Thanks.
I think you said it all Dave…
I just wanted to say…. AMEN!
Thanks for your Encouragement and Support!
Bob
It appears that it is critical to have supporters. However, if a person is without the caring, understanding, and helpfulness of supporters, is he or she doomed to failure?
In my situation, my family has been very UNsupportive. They have actually been a NEGATIVE influence. They make me feel worse than I already do. They have severely damaged my self esteem and sense of worth. They have alienated me and told me that no one can help me because I can’t even help myself. They say I ‘wallow in self-pity,’ am lazy and ‘crazy.’ Members of my family have intentionally destroyed me. They gossip and say that I am discussed in their ‘grapevine.’ They are vicious and hateful.
So, what am I to do? Divorce my family? Try to find someone to ‘support’ me? Not likely. I often read this email for support, which is great, but it is not like I can really reach out for help nearby.
Dave,
I have been getting your newsletters for some time and finally, tonight, after months and months and desperate for someone to talk to who understands, I took a link to find out who David Oliver was.
Praise God that you did what you did.
Praise God that you finally said enough was enough and reached out to your mother in the way that she needed.
For I have a story, and my story does not end up “happy”, as yours does, at least not yet.
I lost my family. They could not stand by me. I lost my husband, son, daughter, house, and even my beloved dogs. I’ve never been without dogs in my 46 years of life. My parents are deceased and I have no sibllings or other family within my state to help me.
I am alone and trying to hold on to my job of 24 years. And now I’m trying to hold on to the precious few last pennies that I have.
Yes, I’m in a support group. Yes, I’m in therapy. Yes, I’m on medication.
Praise God that you hold your mother so dear and refused to just simply walk away from her.
And to CHRISTINA about dating…I can’t even imagine it. After what I have been through–and put others through–could there possibly be anyone that would endure life with me?
Still I put one foot in front of the other each day when I awake.
Praise God for people like you and supporters of sufferers.
To Christina McDonald my boyfriend is bipolar he did not tell me he was, we dated 7 months and he never did tell me, some times he would get stressed about something and would just keep to himself for a few days saying he needed his space and at times I found things he said kinda odd or I just did not understand what was going on with him, then one day after I had been dating him 7 months and cared for him so very much and we were getting so close, I caught him in a lie a big lie, and it hurt me so bad because I had trusted him and we both have been marrried before and divorced so we had talked about how we wanted to build our relationship on honesty and trust and slowly build a good lasting relationship, so when I confronted him about the lie he had told me, he went into a rage screaming and yelling and calling me really bad names and making serious accusations that was not true, well this scared me I did not know what was happening he had never talked to me in that tone let alone using the foul language. and he left and went into withdrawning totally from me, and its been now 6 months and he still won’t face me or admit to me he is bipolar.I had gotten very close to his family and he is very close to his sister and Dad who is very much there for him,his sister finally told me about this diease and how it some times can be so hard..
He does see a Dr. they have been trying to ajust medication but about your question? I know he is ashame to face me and he now probably thinks that I could not accept him as my boyfriend or something but that not the case..
I did not know about bipolar and its effects untill what happened,I found Daves website and I been reading and studing all I can about this diease because I cared very much for my boyfriend and I loved many things about him and he was good and kind most off our dating relationship.
I know I have hurt him when he scared me when he went into bipolar episode but I had no idea about this illness or its effects.I hate that I triggered the episode but he hide it from me and still won’t tell me about it.He broke my heart#1 by not trusting me to tell me #2 not he has broke up and he will tex me or email me but he wont have any other thing to do with me and some times I think he is going to let me into his world to try to be a good supporter for him then other times he is mad and tells me that I am crazy and he doesn;t want to be dating a crazy woman like me.
I miss our friendship and relationship but at this point all I can do is pray for him and his sister and his Dad are great supporters.He lives with his Dad and they share the living exspence. I can not tell you how confused I have been about this bipolar illness but I can say thanks to Dave and all his hard work and love for his Mom he has helped and blessed many people with very helpful imformation on this illness.
God bless you Dave,and thoes of you who have bipolar and for thoes supporters who are there for them.BIG! BIG!HUGS FOR YOU ALL..
Hi Dave
I fully agree with what you are saying. I wish my husband will just sit down and read through your notes so that he knows what to do and how to deal with a situation. If I go into a depressed state he ignores me and gets irritable with my mania episodes the same happens. He don’t deal with the situation he tends to run away and ignore it. I don’t think he understand much of Bipolar and he is also not interested in knowing more about it. You know it drives me really crazy to know that he just don’t care that much. If I sit down and talk to him he don’t even answer me or I would say there are no communication from his side so I rather just keep quiet and that cause me to go into a complete full blown episode after a while. I need to know what to do. I have disscussed this on several occasion with my therapist even in his presents. What should I do? At the moment I am very unstable and I fear I am heading for a full blown as I experience mixed episodes and it’s been going on for several weeks. I am working on seeing another psych soon. Hope then I will stabalize and can return to my normal self.
Thank you
Dave
Hi Dave: I know why you can get a lot more done out of your office than when you are in your office. I used to have the same problem with writing reports for the market research co. I worked for. In the office, I was always getting interrupted for one thing or another and that caused me to lose my train of thought and seemed like it would take forever to get back to my report. So I started to take the reports home to write. I let everyone know I was working and not to disturb me unless it was an emergency and I would have my reports done in no time. So the next time you need to get something done in a rush, go anywhere but your office to do it!
“Your life centers around one person – your loved one, and their bipolar disorder…Your world consists of the daily fighting the disorder and your loved one’s mood swings (and sometimes imminent bipolar episodes). Sometimes you win the fight and sometimes you lose the fight. And sometimes you feel like giving up the fight altogether…If you don’t have a strong support system of your own, you may not make it through the fight….It’s very important that, as a supporter, you take care of yourself FIRST. If you don’t, you won’t have the strength to take care of your loved one. If you are totally isolated from the outside world, your loved one’s bipolar disorder will totally take over your own world.”
Dave these are some of the greatest words of wisdom I’ve seen in your e-mail. Good or bad, that’s the reality. Situations are bad, but until reality is seen and understood, there’s no way to attack the bad situation to make it good. However sometimes I get the feeling that this is, in the long run, a losing battle.
I sometimes wonder if I’m strong enough to resist my loved one’s bipolar disorder from completely entangling the only thing I have in my life, which is the sanity and happiness I found before bipolar struck.
Unintentional wickedness and evil lurk in bipolar and the unknown of what conflaguration of ill-conceived ideas will fuel the next episode causes ever present, low-level fear. These things seem to further tear down what I proudly built up for myself. I don’t want my own self taken away. As much as I love my loved one, it’s like the ship has sunk, we’re floating in the sea with life vests, but my loved one simply can’t help but to keep jumping on me. We both keep going down.
I want us both to live thrive and survive, but we both need our own life vests in order to float.
I too have found going to the library to work on a project is much more productive than doing it at home. I can take the project to the library sort it out and maybe have it done in an hour where at home it might never have gotten finished. I guess this is because you have nothing else to interfere with your thoughts and no other things that need doing to keep you from being able to do your project because those things are at home or elsewhere. Also the library is quiet and peaceful and often times just the undone things at home are stressful keeping you from getting your project done.
Been trying to find how to respond to comment by Mr Oliver.
Tip for you Mr Oliver……………forgive your brother or it will do you untold
damage too. I know it’s easy to pick out others faults but I guess we all
have problems and I just feel it is not good to publish abroad for all to
see that you have differences of opinion with your brother.
Hope you are able to get on with your brother…….we all have different
skills.
HI, ANy one wanting to have some info about a nutritional supplement that I found out about, go to wwwtruehope.com . My husband’s boss told him about this product as his wife was having trouble with depression and anxiety, as am I. His wife started taking this and absolutley swears by it. I just got it, and haven’t started taking it yet, byt I read all the literature and a book written about the daughter of the man who discovered it. It seems legitimate to me, so I will be trying it. There is a significant history of these illnesses in my family, and my daughter is presently hospitalized with bipolar disorder. This is her 4th hospitalization since August. I hope to take it myself, then get her on it. We’ll try anything now.