So very true. My husband was recently diagnosed with bipolar, and found out shortly afterward my son has it, too. It would have been so easy for me to cave in, thinking I’m having to deal with 2 of them at the same time. And at first I did. I thought my life was over, that I’d never be happy again. But I’ve since determined that even though I have to stay on top of things and keep a watchful eye out, I love these guys and want to make our life work, bipolar or not. I can’t change the fact they have the disease, but I can do what I can to keep life “normal” – for all of us.

My son’s positive attitude is what has pulled him out of the depths of his bipolar illness, and each time it happens, I think he learns a little more about how strong he really is. Just knowing that he has some control over it helps me as his caregiver not to lose faith that “recovery” is an ongoing process, and with the right medication he can go on and live a satisfying life.

yes i agree with Dr Peck. That holds true for all matters such as the prof that mine over matter in such things as cancer.If you belive strong enough that things are as you belive they will come to past.You just have to belive strong enough and don’t stop beliving.
This is my belive,

If Dr. M. Scott Peck says it, you can bet it’s for real. The Road Less Traveled certainly helped me to put my life in perspective back in the ’90’s when I read it. Also, if you want some answers to situations you may be dealing with in the corporate world, read his book People of the Lie…it will make the hair on the back of your neck stand straight up.

I agree that it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy if you already think you are beaten. Indeed, there is much evidence to suggest that people who believe they will always fail do so even when success is staring them in the face! They see themselves in front of the pack and closer to the finish line than anyone else and they think “hey, winning isnt what I do ..” and their little brain causes the body to conform to what is expected … and they trip up on the turf, allowing almost everyone else to pass them and finish before them! But if you forget that “I can’t” message, you will surprise yourself and find that may be you can! This hapened to me, ironically because I was very depressed. (Probably BP, undiagnosed when I was about 15 years old.) I was a USELESS runner although I could to quite well in a 100 yard sprint. But if I had to run all the way around the track, I’d always be near to last, just ahead of the fat boys …

“You’re all going to run a 400 meters race, ” announced the teacher to my class.
“F#### it!” I thought, and drifted back into my depressive thoughts whihc removed me from the drudge of any conscious experience.

The starting pistol was fired and off we went. I started off at a sprint. But I had no idea where I was in rrlation to everyone else. I was in misery-me day-dream land! Next thing I know was being woken up enrouteby the screams of my Head Master, shouting, “Go on, boy! Go on!”

Duh! Where were the all? I wondered. There was no one in front of me.

“Go on, boy!” the man shouted again … looking at me …

I glanced over my shoulder and the penny dropped. I was in front of the pack with about 50 yards to go!! Hey, I WON THE RACE!!!

That said, I do not believe that if you believe you will win a race you will always win it! Life ain’t like that. How may of the heavy weight boxers have you seen going into the ring believing they will lose? Betcha Mohommed Ali NEVER did! He always thought he’d win until he’d lost, like “Sh#t! How did THAT happen?” For boxers, like for anyone, failure can come out of the blue, when we least expect it, because we can never allow for the unexpected. What’s that joke about God? “How do you make God laugh? Tell him your future plans …” So, just you tell God you are going to win … and you may be in for disapointment. You MAY be. But you MIGHT NOT. The adage goes – aim for the stars and you’ll reach the Moon. Well, that’s only helpful if you’d be satified with reaching the Moon! If you aim for the stars because you are into the self talk which makes to believe you will get there because you THINK you will get there, if you can’t do it and only reach the Moon, you’re going to be very disappointed even though reaching the Moon may be a terrific achievement.

Where’s this going?

First, your aims have to be realistic. Now, we may not always (rarely are!) the best judges of ourselves in terms of what is realistic for us, all because we may talk ourselves down. Not good. But then, if we always over estimate what we can achieve, that’s damaging and leads to self-doubt, depression and a sense of failure.

Second, applying this to people with BP, and maybe the cares too, it is stupid, even delusional, to believe you can beat BP. You can’t. Once someone develops BP, they will have it until they are kicking up Daisys from 6 feet under the turf. That’s the way it is. You have to accept that. But what you CAN do is not let it beat you! It may run riot over you once in every few years, once a year or even every damned day of the week. BUT you can keep it in check for much of the time. You succeed everytime one of your strategies for keeping it at bay works. You succeed in reducing the number of episodes. You succeed in keeping those mood swings more level. (Measure the moods and chart them on a graph.) AND, you will only be defeated if you THINK you are defeated. I forget hos name but there is (still alive, I think) a famous philosopher, a Jewish guy who spent a few years in a Nazi concentration camp. He lived because although he was a captive, he kept his mind free. He was never defeated in his mind. They can defeat your body, carers, but only YOU can allow your spirit to be defeated.

Regrettably, it;s not the same for people with BP because that kind of positive thinking requires a rational state of mind … and when you’re in any kind of episode, rational thinking isn’t our best quality!!! Thaty;s where the carers me in to their own, I think, by encouraging those with BP NOT to “think positively” (which is like telling someone they should run faster when the’ve got a leg in plaster, and it’s bl”dy irritating! Don;t do it!) Just understand they are going throiugh hell and remind them they’ve got through it before, tell them to “hang in there, for ALL our sakes because we need you… (Bit of that kind of emotional blackmail can work wonders for dragging someone with depression through to the other side and into the light.)

You asked for views, David – they’re mine! 8¬D

When I was a child my dad told me life is not fair. At the time I thought he was just being cruel but now I know it is the truth. We don’t have to like it – just accept it.
Theresa

J Morgan, I guess I really relate to you because I also had parents that taught me well.
I guess I am in an episode, being a rapid cycler is very difficult. This time instead of keeping it in and then exploding or feeling alone, I reached out. I hate being a “downer” so I don’t express myself to anyone but those closest to me (those poor people). My parents used to have that role when I was married 6 years ago it switched to my husband. My parents had years of dealing with me and my husband only had 4 years before we were married. Just now, because I reached out my parents called my husband (who has a hard time admitting he can’t handle everything) and asked if they could help. He was happy to accept it at this point.
Now I have my old support back, and the support of my husband. He is often out of town so things become difficult for me with the kids.
My Dad has been talking to me a lot now. He has me repeat “I am a wonderful Wife and Mother” I am starting to believe it. Using “I will” and remembering that it is my choice. It can break through my episodes, I want to be in control of myself.
My husband is out of town this week. Last night I was reading the comments from yesterday and began to freak out. I was screaming at my noisy children. It was 7:30 and I said time for bed. Then my daughter said “but you said we could take a bath” (this girl is 4 and wise beyond her years) I hurried to run her bath, yelling around the whole time, I put them in the tub and sat down. My mind went to, you have a choice. I still didn’t calm down. I got the baby ready for bed and left my 4 year old in the tub. I saw how my mood was effecting my 11 month old. How kissing and hugging her could make her happy, while yelling around made her scream. I cuddled her and loved her and gave her a bottle, she was happy when I put her to bed. Now for the 4 year old, I walked into the bathroom. She lowered her eyes because she had been getting glares from me for the past hour. I Apologized and said I was going to do better, I asked her for her help. I was instantly forgiven and she was eager to help.
I guess my point is, you have a choice, and you can ask for help.

Everyone has some kind of handicap. Some people are born without normal limbs or senses (hearing, sight) or are mentally retarded–these are terrible handicaps. Many bipolar people (from what I can understand) appear to be highly intelligent and creative—certainly gifts….even though they have to have help to truly develop and control their lives.
so….
We are each dealt a different set of talents, gifts, handicaps, and it is up to us to make what we can of them. So of course Dr. Peck is right.

Hello, I don’t really know how to start but I recently had to place my 12 year old in a psyciatric hospital because she was trying to harm herself and recently discovered she hears things and believes people are after her and this is simply not so but anyway, I have bipolar and schyzophrenia and so does her biological father whom is in some residence because he is too ill to take care of himself much less any of the children he has helped bring into this world. I am so worried about her and not sure how to cope with this, at first I blamed myself then realized I am not to blame. I have done everything in my power to keep her as safe as I possibly can from harm and this seems to be genetics, Can you direct me to things associated with schyzophrenia please!!!

Great post, Sarah.

Very wise words indeed. I have especially lived the age old “self prophesy rule” I hadn’t really lost my spunk until a year or so ago. I believe that I have been surrounded by depressive and perhaps bipolar personalities most of my life.
I am quite frightened now at my own personality changes. I have been told that when you’ve lived with abuse for years you can become unstable yourself. I have been diagnosed with P.T.S.D and other chronic issues. I feel depleated.

Thank you so much Grahm N! I really appreciate it!

Suzannewa, My Dad has also been saying, “eat that elephant one bite at a time.” You can do it! It is so important to have a support group. My big problem is not ever wanting to be controlled and I push people away because of it. My Mom hurt my feelings today because they don’t agree with my decision to return to work. They are worried it will send me into another “break down” I told her if I don’t get out of the house for a change every once in a while I’m going to loose it. Plus I need to feel like I’m contributing.
Anyway later I had the most mature conversation I have had in a long time with her. I told her exactly how I felt without being rude, and WOW my mom opened up about her feelings, and how she is struggeling. I think it is really important you tell those you rely on what effect their actions, and words have on you. As soon as you can do it calmly :).

I truly do agree. I always guided my children who are Bipolar and ADHD to be all that they can be. Intelligence without a since of direction or accomplishment. The in ability to complete a task or finish anything started. Refusal to take medication the blow ups. To medicate or kids choosing not to medicate. Drugs and alcohol. I have been weathering the storm for many years. I do very much believe in the power of positive thinking. An “I can” attitude. The word can’t should be tossed from the dictionary. In my book it means not willing to try. If a person with or without Bipolar Disorder continue to think or speak about themselves in a negative way they become just that. If I say I am garbage, Then I feel like garbage, So I must be garbage. This kind of thinking isn’t good for anybody not supporters or persons with Bipolar Disorder. How I think and feel about myself has everything to do with what I am able to accomplish. We are all as individual as snowflakes. Each of us have much to offer. Some contributions may be small or some may appear more important. But the most important thing we each can do is offer help and guidance to one single person who feels overwhelmed by the Bipolar attack. We need to share and care for those who are suffering and struggling to cope or to understand Bipolar issues. David Oliver has offered some true insight and opened up this place where we are able to share. We are not alone. We all are at this blog because we need to share our experience, strength, and hope. All of us looking for a better way to meet the needs of our Bipolar loved ones.

SuzanneWA.

Sounds to me that your “monsters” are the psychiatrist and the therapist!! (When you come to deal with them, try not to make it fatal however much they may seem to deserve it!! 8¬D )

Hope that made you smile a bit, but seriously, I do relate. My last pDoc seemed much the same as yours, suggesting that my depressive phase was ALL psychological. I couldn’t get through to him that my anger levels were rising and they were not ALL due to looking after two 9 year old boys, that only SOME of it could be explained away by this factor. He just wouldn’t listen because “I am the expert” he said. I want to say, ‘You’re a pDoc not a psychologist…’ but there was no reasoning with this guy … (A friend of mine, a Dr in Law, gave me some advice – ‘never argie with anyone more stupid than you’ !!!)

However, my current pDoc – great! She seems to be on my wave length and she doesn’t try to analyse ME, she analyses my SYMPTOMS and treats those.

I’m not sure I agree with Peck’s comments today. Let me tell you why. I think that if you believe “well life is difficult–accept it!” you don’t see that you don’t HAVE to remain in the mess! It breeds disfunctional thinking. Maybe bipolar supporter’s need to hear this instead: “you don’t have to live like this anymore. It’s not your destiny to have a difficult life with this person”. Obviously, I’m speaking from a “bipolar supporter’s” viewpoint. And even more specifically as the spouse of a person with bipolar disorder.

Hi, I tried to read Peck’s book, back in the 80’s and it may have been that the person who gave me the book to read was a self-righteous so and so, but I found that statement about life being hard quite irksome at the time, and did not read all of the book, but returned it.
Time has proven that statement correct. Life is hard. Getting harder all the time. I have to find a way to be as supportive of myself and my loved ones as possible, and find a way to move forward.
I am really interested in finding out about the job opening that David Oliver had mentioned recently, for a marketing person.
My present challenge to moving on is to find a new job.
I would like also to be part of an organization that is using actually effective strategies to assist all people with mental illnesses to be successful in their lives, I’ve been working for an organization that to me seems to be working almost cross-purposes to that goal.
As a family member of two people with schizophrenia and a family and personal history of recovery(AA, Al-Anon, etc.) and learning to accept, again and again, that I can’t change anyone or make them want to change, I have experienced so much, and I want to bring what I know to an organization that is actually helping people, instead of giving lip service to that goal.
Once I accept a new challenging situation that proves yet again, yes, life is hard, I can get on with doing what is best for me, instead of wasting time banging my head against the wall, trying to find the door, as I’ve heard said by others. Seems to me I’ve been banging my head against the wall again lately, your article with Mr. Peck’s statement about life comes at the exact moment, the exact day, when I most need to hear it, so thanks again.

Stop Press!

Thought some of you might like to hear some … well, not exactly “good news” but exciting news that, given a huge dollop of luck, just might turn into good news …

In between the Big breakdown and the more recent (slightly less serious) one, I recovered sufficiently to be running a small research unit in the bank where I worked AND to do a 2 year MA degree during the evenings. As part of the course I began writing a series of short stories around a common theme which I have since woven together to create the basis, and largest part of a novel. This was 10 years ago and I’ve still not finished it!

Why? Why does anyone with BP not get big projects finished? Take note here, supporters … largely because the BP ran me out of steam and I could face touching it. As recovering in between episodes got into place, the very thought of going back to that novel triggered anxiety! So, even when well, I found it damn near impossible to get back into it. And when I am not well, there’s no chance whatsoever! And then I started to doubt if it was commercially viable anyway, in which case “what’s the point in finishing it?” (I argue against this that it would be a major achievement to finish it, but then I revert back to thinking “writing this is going to be a trial, so there must be a justification for doing it, or why bother endure that pain?”) Anyway! There’s about 50k-60k words already although they need a close edit.

A friend of my wife has a friend who is a publisher in the US. She quite likes the unfinished novel but has not make any promises about publishing it – I guess she wants to see if I can finish it first! However, she is showing an outline of the story and a sample of my writing to …. a Hollywood agent.

Now, don’t get too excited for me. This will probably come to nothing. After all, Hollywood agents, like most agents, must have hundreds of manuscripts pass over their desks each year and they probably only run with one or two of them. So, having one run with mine would be like winning a lottery. Ergo, it ain’t likely to “happen”. But it could, if I am very VERY lucky. So, biting my knuckles so as not to get excited, I am still crossing fingers, toes and any other extremities I can twist for the purpose and remembering I’ve fulfilled the first part of “the bargain.”

What bargain? Never heard about Manny and God? Manny kept pleading with God to let him with the lottery. Each day he’d plead, promising charitable giving in an ever increasing amount each day if only God would grant him this one wish. God didn’t reply. Then one day, Manny pleaded once more, saying, “PLEASE GOD, grant me this one wish before I die and I PROMISE I’ll give 80% of my winnings to famine relief!!!”
This time God answered.
“Okay!Okay!Okay! I’ll let you win the lottery, only you’ve got to meet me half way, Manny!”
“What’s half way?” Manny asked.
God screamed down from Heaven.
“BUY A DAMNED TICKET!!”

Well, I’ve bought my “ticket” … in a way. The novel isn’t complete but I’ve made more than a start.

GRAHAM, Lots of luck with your book. I have been working on mine for 3 years now and hope to have it published. I won’t send it anywhere though until it’s totally finished, as I couldn’t stand anyone pressurising me. I can only work in my own time at my own pace. Absolutely no deadlines! The slightest bit of pressure makes me screw it up. I hope to be published one day, but there’s no rush, as long as it happens in my lifetime. I write because I enjoy writing. It would be great to make money with it, but if I don’t I will still keep writing.

Dave, I agree with the idea about the importance of one’s attitude. Viktor Frankl’s book ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ also looks at this question.

As a supporter of a childhood friend who has bipolar disorder (I just found this out 6 months ago) I determined that I have much to learn however, one thing is clear and that is acceptance that he chooses not to take his meds or go thru therapy. I am often ignored by him for no apparent reason and that has been the hardest part. I do know that I love him and he loves me in his own way and have always made it clear that I will not abandon him. I continue to communicate by e-mail (he’s not answering his phone) and send positive comments and inspirational quotes that I feel are helpful. I don’t really know what else I can do.