Hi,
How’s it going?
It’s going to storm today and I was thinking about what I was going to write.
I read this quote the other day:
“Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine.”
–M.F. Fernandez
The reason it caught my eye is because I always used to call my mom’s episodes “the storm.”
Of course you know she is very stable now, because she takes her medications faithfully, goes to see her doctor and her therapist, follows a good treatment plan, and does all the things I recommend in my courses/systems to manage your bipolar disorder well:
NEW
LEARN THE SECRETS OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/bipolarmastersystem/
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
But back in “the storm” days…
She was in bad episode, and I really just tried to get her to the hospital because I said, “You need to go to the doctor.”
At that point, she would just scream and yell three or four times a day for hours.
My dad left and I’m inside and she is screaming and yelling, barging through my door almost breaking it down.
So, imagine you’re like me, sitting trying to type, peaceful, and then all of a sudden a hurricane comes in or a storm.
That person is screaming and hollering and yelling at you for hours at a time and then there is a pause and just as you start to feel better it starts again.
Like I said, it’s like a storm. A bipolar storm. Well, as you know, eventually we got my mom the help she needed for that episode.
I did all my research into bipolar disorder, developed my systems, taught them to my mom, and today she is very stable.
But now you can understand why I called her behavior “the storm,” right?
So here’s the thing, and why I like that quote so much.
It gives you so much hope!
You can actually RISE ABOVE THE BIPOLAR STORM!
I did, when I got my mom the help she needed, when I developed my systems and taught them to her, and she got stable.
Here’s the good news:
You can rise above the “bipolar storm,” too! Scroll down, and I’ll tell you the secret of how to do it.
Keep scrolling…
No cheating!
You’re almost there…
LOL (think I am crazy?)
You won’t believe how simple it is… Ok. Here’s the secret:
You simply do the opposite of what your loved one is doing!
Maintain your controlled behavior to deal with your loved one’s out-of-control behavior (their “bipolar storm”) when it happens.
Here’s what I mean. You’ll notice that in my whole story of telling you about my mom’s “storm,” and she was doing all that yelling and screaming at me, I never yelled and screamed back at her.
In other words, I stayed in control, even though she was out of control.
This concept, even though it’s a simple one, is very important for you to learn.
It will really help you to deal with your own loved one’s “bipolar storm” and keep you from losing your own control.
Whatever they do, you do the opposite.
For example, if they aren’t holding their composure, you hold onto yours.
If they are yelling, you stay quiet.
If they are weak, you be strong.
If they aren’t rational, you stay rational.
If they are out of control, you stay in control.
See how the concept works?
What do you think of this concept?
Do you think it can work?
FIND OUT WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT ME
Visit: http://www.bipolarcentral.com/testimonials
David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
Dear Dave,
Thanks for sending the email. I have a son that is bi-polar. I think now that he has been all of his life and I never saw it. He is grown and in his 4th marriage and I understand that he is not doing well in that marriage either. I don’t know how to help him because he does not speak to me. For some reason he hates me. I know what I know about him because of my x daughter in law and from the last time I did see him which was about 9 years ago. My daughter has recently been in touch with him.. He lives in NH.. I live in Texas. So therefore I don’t know how to help him. I really appreciate all that you have told me and if I had my life to live over with him I would have seen it when he was a child and done more to help him. I feel so guilty about it.
Thanks so much Dave.
what about if she start trwoing things at you, sometime I lock my room and I take sleeping peel. One day I had to call the police and in the hospital did nothing.
This is profound and powerful truth! I appreciate your work very much…..as I am studying to become a psychiatrist…one who listens and understands…and advocates a holistic approach…which also includes pharmacology….but not without nutrition, exercise, spirituality, and a support system…which you are providing…Thank You!
I’ve thought about this concept for a long time now. I’ve had to learn it to deal with my family when things would seem to go off kilter with them.
It’s making sure you don’t fall into “action – reaction” way of thinking or behaving.
It works, because what’s the point in doing the opposite? What would be gained? Not a thing. Nothing but chaos!
It can and does work, not only to diffuse them, but to hold onto my internal peace.
Thanks for the email. Great subject!
It works, because you aren’t fueling anyone elses problems and you are staying out of that endless loop.
Before I learned this concept, it was pretty easy for others to push my buttons and I made the mistake of “reacting” to them. That was a mistake, because it just propels them to further act out inappropriately.
In this issue/email, you are basically asking people to take being abused – verbally and emotionally. How long can a normal individual endure that kind of treatment? I know – I’m enduring it now!
I tried to forward one of your emails, but it would not got through. I wondered why.
Dear Dave, I wasn’t bipolar until I had children and it change my life alot. Post pardom depression. It seem like after some great body changing cause it to happen. After my 1 st child and put into the hospital a year later. They called it Bipolar, so I would be on the medicine for a while and doctor visits. Then I would stop because I didn’t like the meds because of the side effects, and the blood being drawn. so 4 years later another situation happen landed me back in the hospital. Then it was’t until my mother died and I couldn’t handle that so it was 2 years after she passed I was hospitalized again. Put back on something elas and seening a doctor again. It wasn’t for long I weined myself off again. I hate the way the meds make me feel. An the weight I put on sucks. Now watching every move so I can caught myself again. It really sucks, but its better than being in the hospital and watching people with the sickness. Thanks for the reading material I really appreciate it. Jeanette
Dear Dave,
Thanks for the advise. I promise to try my best as right now I feel as irrational as my husband is. For months he was screaming at us for no reason and i was able to tolerate all of it for the mist part. then I learned he was spending money that did not belong to him. He even lied about having a job and going to work everyday and returning late at night. until I realized that he was having his attacks once again. After that he started to show signs of tiredness and now the screaming has stopped but he is doing crazy things in the house. If I let him out he does even crazier things out on the street. I feel exhausted and want to hurt him at times. Should I just ignore everything he does?
I do just what you said about doing the opposite when my partner is in and episode and it works. She tells me later that when I don’t react to her it makes her angry that I do that. I talk in a quiet voice when she yells, I am calm when she isn’t. We have a system that works for us. She is stable on her meds now after years of drug and alcohol abuse, and it happened (her stability) because of her. I am her supporter and didn’t know a thing about bi-polar when we got together. I logged onto the internet and found your website and haven’t left. It’s been two years and we’ve had some very rough times although she doesn’t remember the roughest ones she believes me when I tell her about them.
I put a note on the mirror for her so she remembers her meds. I don’t use the word “forget” when asking about meds. I practice saying “I know you will remember your meds.” I was told once that when you plant the word forget in someones mind that’s what the brain hangs onto and they are more likely to forget. Anyhow it works.
I guess I want to say most of the things from your website have helped me learn about this disease and to separate the bi-polar from my partner. Who she is in an episode is not the woman she really is. It’s the bi-polar eating at her like a cancer.
Our system works because we are both willing to do the work. We are both in recovery from drugs and alcohol, we go to the doctor together, we go to the therapist together,we are involved in the treatment plan together. Don’t get me wrong she goes by herself sometimes to appointments too but we make sure I’m in the loop.
Anyway, I’ve rambled long enough, Thank you for your help and for listening. Susan
My first semester in college, I was having difficult communication problems with my roommates. I didn’t know where to turn; I finally put a penned notice on our communal bulletin board that said: “Rise Above.” Although it helped me get along a little better with my roommates, it DID help ME. I realized I could “Rise Above” the storm that was occurring in my life at the time (before first episode). Just that one phrase had the “power” to enlighten me as to my MIND’S ability to heal…
I, too, had terrible arguments with my Mom, to the extent that I hated her, and did NOT want to see her during my second manic episode. I kept her away from the hospital, and did not allow her to contact me. However, she wrote me a letter, asking “where did I go wrong in raising you? I thought I did everything I could to make you happy. Why do you HATE me? I have been nothing but loving to you…it’s all my fault.” Of course, she was WRONG with her assessment of my illness, and I cried when I read her note. She had NOTHING to do with my bipolar, but during episodes, she just didn’t UNDERSTAND the extent to which I didn’t want her around. During episodes, we have the tendency to PUSH against those who love us the most. I have no explanation of WHY this happens; but ultimately, we made up, and lived as “normal” a life as we could until her Alzheimer’s.
Dave, it’s AWFULLY hard to maintain a “calm” when someone is going through a particularly emotional manic episode. The bipolar person is way out of line, but doesn’t know HOW to curb their hatred and lability. I agree that to “react” in the same way that the supporter is supposed to do during a particularly nasty argument, is difficult, but sounds like you’ve been able to do it with your Mom.
What I DON’T understand is – you say your Mom is “stable,” yet there are times when she relapses and has another episode. Therefore, like the rest of us, she is not “cured,” just in what I call a “remission.” All the meds, psychotherapy, and visits with the shrink won’t keep us from going into mania if our chemical imbalance throws us into one. Just a thought…
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
I have tried it. Sometimes it works. Sometimes nothing works.
Often nothing works. It is depressing and discouraging.
Dave, I have recently realized this concept, do the opposite of the bi-polar. It isn’t easy. Especially if it goes on for a long time. But being in control makes me feel better and I know she will calm down after a short period. Its never gone for a long time for me.
Thanks for helping us learn more about bi-polar.
Dear Dave
Thank you for the e-mails.Heres a little about my situation.I beleive my sons mother is an undiagnosed bi-polar .I have been in a lengthy child custody case with her for 3 of our sons 4 years in life.We both deal with her irrational behavior as well as our families.I have come to find that family courts are often not dilligent in reveiwing evidence .I have now spent $40,000 for a one year relationship with this woman.She is a very intelligent person but as I put it lacks common sense.
I now know how manipulative,impulsive and down right irrational she can be.I just continue the struggle with her and provide our son with a consistant & stable environment with me ,and usually have to deal with his episodes when he returns to me in dealing with his environment.I will continue staying hopefull and patiently await the day that she is either diagnosed or I get full custody of our son.The e-mails mean alot because I know I’m not alone or that I’m crazy.The unfortunate truth I have come to realize is that the bi-polar person is generally very selfish,paranoid and lacks the understanding that the boundries you ae setting is not to be mean or controlling but to keep the composure that is needed in maintainig a normal life.Well enough of my venting good luck to you in your endeavors .I am happy to hear that your mom is stable.
Because only God knows what kind of instability we usually endure.
Thank You
Scott
HI….
That seems like a very wise way to control an epersode. Keep in controle. plz excuse the spelling am not the brightest of people.
Take care Linda x
dave thanks i wish i could say iagree but i dont im manic depresion i love hereing from u u make my day what u talk about helps me @ times im moveing to jamaica i cant spell very well for 6months i deal with my illnese alone got to go thanks sharon feeney
Yes, Dave, you are right, even though acting the “opposite” of a loved one that is screaming at you might be very difficult, if you can manage it, it is much better than reacting. Reacting to them is like putting out fire with gasoline. Personally, I have been a supporter (in the past) and am also a sufferer of b/p. I know if I start yelling at my boyfriend and he raises his voice, yells or swears back at me, I become FURIOUS!!! It is even better if he goes across the street to the coffee shop and comes back later (if he can’t resist reacting). I actually had a bipolar type I ex-boyfriend who would contantly “go off” on me. This was 10 years before my own diagnosis. I found out THE HARD WAY not to react negatively to his rants. (I yelled back at him and he belted me)!!!
Good topic today, Dave.
Dear Dave thank u 4 the e mails i read them and it helps my boyfriend is now in the hospital and it makes me feel better yet they wont let me know things i did a visit with him yet he had a manic stage and I had to leave my heart is broken they tell me i have to be on his list yet when he gets mad he takes me off the list and they wont talk to me I am the only hope he has he has pinched me hit me put his hands around my throat I am lost and dont know what to do and i try yet maybe things arent going my way to help him thanks 4 listening isabella
When were you elevated to sainthood.
Dave I just went through an episode with my love one.
I just want to give up and call it quits. I don’t think I can live the rest of my life like this. It is so hard to deal with. I wish that I could open up his head and put up there what he needs to understand. I work 12 hour days, I get in and cook. I clean the house, get ready for the next day. He says that I only think about my job. Without the job he wouldn’t have any support. It hurts me to my heart when he says that I only think about my job. He scares me when he yells for no reason. He nix picks about stuff that is not important. How do I get him to understand that I have needs as well as he does. It is always about what he wants when he wants it. help!!!
Dear Isabella:
Please don’t blame yourself at all for what happened to your boyfriend. I am sure he still cares for you. At lot of times, when a person with bipolar disorder is hospitalized in a manic episode, they turn away those they care about the most…for different reasons.
They also can be very hurtful and aggressive physically when in an episode. It is best to let him have his “space” at this time and wait until he is stabilized and out of hospital. Then you’ll be back on his “list”.
-Been there
Dave, you are so head’s on today. my partner and i are both bipolar and she is off her meds for financial reasons. she had a total melt down saturday and i just fought to stay calm and quiet. after she finished her rant and calmed down, she still blamed me for everything that had happened. later that night she apologized for everything that happened and thanked me for hanging in there. staying in control is the key.
My boyfriend did as Isabella’s did and I finally had to leave him behind because he beat me with a flashlight and I still have a scar on my head from the beating. He still calls and tells me he is going to end his life and take me with him. That I would see him soon. Instead of being terrified and calling the law, I STAY IN CONTROL and let him know that everything will be OK and I will always help him if he needs it. That kind response works better than fighting against him and I usually can talk him down and he admits that he really wants to better his life and live successfully. He had a storm today and I stayed in control by not letting go of my confidence and tried reassurance and guidance for him. We have remained stormy friends, however, no one has died and life moves on. Great advise, David. I learned this as well, do the opposite. Stay quiet and listen. They eventually quiet down and will probably apologize. But what a horrible disease this is. I believe his is from a head injury from a car accident. The prefrontal cortex has been damaged and he has no braking mechanism. Years of drugs didn’t help. Funny, now he needs drugs to stay normal, and he resists taking those. Go figure! Thanks for the moral support, David. You are my hero.
Hi Dave
Thank you for the information you have given, it has really helped me. I agree with the last email you sent me on doing the opposite with my husband I haven’t tried it as yet but I intend to.
I just want to talk and knowing there are others out somewhere going thru what I have and am going thru helps. It makes me want to cry. He raves and rants and says very hurtful things, but the awful thing is he wants me to sit down and look at him and listen to these “grandiose” speech. Most of the time I stay calm and carry on what I am doing but it’s very unnerving. Just last week, he went w/o sleep for 2 days and went balistic in the evening. Like what Dave said, let him rave and when he stops (if he ever stops) I put in a word. It was 1 am and I was asleep (with a pill and ear plugs)and he took my clothes out on the bedroom floor and said I could leave (I had been threatening to leave for some time now but I am just like the boy who cried wolf)- I said For God’s sake it’s 1 am, I will leave tomorrow and that somehow calmed him down. But things like these it’s very hard to take. He takes only the minimum medication and nobody can tell him what to do – he is all knowing. He has been in an elevated mood these past few months, with some good days in between. I am “lost” and exhausted, having to be constantly on the lookout, having a full time job, cook, clean, wash, shop. I just want to scream at him but this won’t help at all. And I am not sure what he’s spending money on. The last time I had to settle his visa close to $10k. He goes in and out as he likes, I know when he’s normal if he tells me where he is going and asks how I am in the mornings or thank me for a nice meal. He critises those who dispute him, including me.
I can’t tell you how much I agree with you on this. As a guardian/caregiver of an adult with bi polar who has other issues as well, I can tell you that it’s critical to stay calm in the midst of the storm. Also if they are in a rage, don’t stay and try to calm and comfort them if they are getting violent. There are not in their right minds and can and will hurt you without knowing it. Be sure they are in a safe environment but remove yourself from harms way too. Also I totally agree with you on your stand concerning taking medications. The right medication made the difference in night and day. It literally changed the one I care for from an angry raging violent person into someone that I could better reason with and take places again. It was indeed a miracle and an answer to prayer. I was afraid of the side effects of the meds, but life was unbearable for her without the meds and she has no side effects from it with the exception of weight gain. I hope that people will listen to you and understand that you know what you are talking about because you’ve been a caregiver in the midst of the fire.
I have just read your advice about remaining calm in the face of a Bi-polar storm. My boyfriend ran out of his medication at the beginning of December, and it was four days before he had his prescription filled. Up until then, all had been calm and loving between us. He became distant and acted in a way that caused me to be suspicious of him. We argued – or rather, I argued and HE remained calm. But ultimately, he asked me to leave as he no longer wanted to live with me, although he didn’t want to end our relationship. I left on Christmas Eve. How could I act ‘opposite’ to that?! He and I are still in a relationship, still love one another, but I would love to have his total commitment. I think he hides behind his Bi-ploar condition. It is a very selfish thing.
DEAR DAVE I think you are rigth on you comments When my second wife confronts me in an argument I Will be calm ,to figth you need two in disagriment and out of control.Thanks to your explenations I will stay calm on behalf of my childen and the sake of the family.If my wife gets out of control I do not have to be a victim.I have to rise to the occation,to be a better man and a better father. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP.I am the one with the condition but mi wifes gets out of control most of the time.Im heading to a nasty divorce and my wife does not want to get any help.
Hi David,
First of all thanx for all your mail on bi-polar , my partner has a form of bi-polar and there-fore your mail is of great insight to me although I do work in mental health my connection with bi-polar is on a personal level….
In response to your latest e/mail [ how to rise above the bio-polar storm] I would agree and say it is common sense and the most logical step/action[s] to take, but I can perhaps see that the joe bloggs of this world would not think of such basic terms thereby having some-one such as yourself to contact is a rare commodity as you say not all doctors may disclose the full concept of bi-polar.. Thanx again for your time and effort hope you have a good day look forward to your next e/mail…
Take care
Teresa [in Scotland(uk)]
yes, u r right,Dave, but u r advising perfection from the supporter as the only best way out. But a supporter isnt perfect either. She as a parent of a 27 yr old daughter is also frail and anxious and depressed and worn out with coping with her daughters bi-polar episodes over so many years. Her own fight or flight reactions take over as her own defences have weakened. So the situation gets worse. Its a vicious cycle, so to say
Hi, Dave!
Thanks for your advice about doing the opposite of my mother’s bi-polar storm. I have actually been doing this all along and thinking this was the best way of dealing with her emotional outbursts. When I read your advice, it was nice to hear that all my efforts have been on the correct path. I’m going to share your advice with my family members so we can cope and communicate more effectively with my mother. Wish us luck. P.S. My mom is in a manic stage and of course she thinks she is better than ever. I’m trying to get her on a supplement called EMPowerplus that has been recognized as a natural cure for bi-polar disorder. I’m in the process of trying to encourage her to take these supplements. Medications were too strong for her with terrible side-effects. I’ll never give up trying for the right cure. I look forward to your next e-mail. Bye for now!
Dave, Funny that you call your moms episodes the storm. My daughter has bp. When she comes home from college my husband and I call her our 24 hour tornado. All joking aside, staying calm is the only thing that works for me. The only problem I have is how other people in my family react to my calmness. They think I am just letting her act like a spoiled brat. I wish they could understand that I’m just trying to support her through her episodes. Sometimes I get tired of apoligizing for my daughter’s behavior. And other times I really don’t care what other people think, as long as I can keep my daughter safe. Thank you so much for your e-mails! Maybe you could give me some advice on how to react to non-bi-polar people.
Hi Dave
just to let you know that I recived your email and apprecate that there are people out there like you Dave that understand and are willing to help me through a difficult time.
Kind Regards
Bill
(New Zealand)
( Region of the Pacific)
This is very true. When My Husband goes through his storms. I tcan be very frightening. As long as i can ingnore him, or just answer his questions we are fine.
I found out a long time ago the storm cam go from a small one to a hurrican if i am confrontational.
I found there is hope as any storm they pass. He realizes he hasn’t taken his medicaation and goes back to it.
I injoy your articals keep up the good work
Thanks for this site, Dave. It’s good to know I am not alone. Have taken some of your advice on board and found this book ‘Loving Someone with BP’ by Julie Fast. There are some useful points which I have sort of taken on board. Had a talk with my husband, ie I know he’s not well, it’s not easy for him, with this burning feeling of wanting to let out, equally it’s not easy for me too, it’s frightening when he starts raising his voice and so forth. What can I do to help, what would he like me to do when the situation arises. I gave my word to do all I can to help, as this illness is not going to go away. I must remember to give him a hug every day, to reassure him and he has promised to go on with his medication and to let me know when he leaves the house. Not sure whether this will work, but so far it’s ok and I just hope I can keep my cool in the days ahead. Like you said, stay calm, and if it gets bad, use ear plugs! Thanks for all the letters.
Jeanette;
You are another exaple. Post partum Depression, then ASSULTED by Drugs & psych. VOLA Bi-Polar.
The same happened to me, only slightly different. It ENDED my LIFE, & Ruined my Family.
See Post Partum depression with or without Meds goes away. The Brain Damage CAUSED Via psych. Drugs lasts forever.
It’s a Business. A Religion.
NO Money in a Well Mind.
QED, The one to make the “diagnosis.”