Hi,
How’s it going?
I wanted to bring up something today that I think you need to be prepared for in advance, and that is holiday let down in your loved one with bipolar disorder.
I don’t want to ruin your Christmas, and I do hope you have a really good one, but the more prepared for this you are, the better you will be able to cope with this when it happens after the holidays are over.
With all the festivities associated with the holiday season going on right now, your loved one might be acting pretty excited right now (but, hopefully, not manic).
And this will build up to Christmas and, if you’re lucky, even to New Year’s Day.
However, after the holidays are over, your loved one (and you) are bound to face holiday let down.
I just want you to be prepared in advance.
One of the things I talk about in my courses/systems is that sometimes something seems negative, but it really is a positive.
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So don’t think this is a negative message. I just want you to be realistic, and I want you to be prepared.
After all the excitement of the holidays, with all the parties and gatherings, the presents… and after all the Christmas decorations are taken down and put away…
Your loved one may feel a sense of loss.
Any sense of loss to a person with bipolar disorder is a trigger to stress, which can lead to a mini-episode, or even a full-blown episode, if you don’t watch it.
That’s what I want you to be prepared for.
Think about all the other times your loved one has exhibited symptoms of their bipolar disorder after a relatively “normal” period of time, and don’t be caught by surprise at this time.
How did they act last year after the holidays were over?
Did they act let down?
Did they start sleeping more?
Did they mope around the house?
Did they start withdrawing from friends and family?
Did they lose interest in things that they used to take pleasure in?
What other “out of the ordinary” behaviors did they exhibit last year at this time?
Because these are all signs and symptoms of a bipolar depression.
And you might expect these behaviors to happen again.
Let me ask you this:
What have you tried in the past that has helped you cope and deal with your loved one’s holiday let down behavior?
It might work again.
If it has worked for you, please share it with us, so we can share it with others, as it might work for them, too.
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Post responses below
We both sense a let down after the festivities are done and over with. But I hear what you are saying. This usually happens after a party, or some other event that has been planned and looked forward to.
What I do to fight this is to not build it up in my mind. Sort of looking at it as a mediocre event, nothing to build and nothing to lose, sort of thinking. That way the let down is kept to a minimum.
Keep the excitement to a dull roar. This way, the build up won’t be as drastic, so reactions will be minimal.
When I keep to a regimen, that I am more even keeled. So, that includes holidays and any special day really.
Since I’m prone to mood changes, keeping structure to my day can ward off these changes.
Although, I do foresee a let down after the holidays, I am going to keep myself preoccupied with things to do. Keeps me out of trouble.
how i deal with any and all of his outbreaks after a long “normality time”. i dont deal with it. im done with it. i get resentful, i get spiteful, i have no pitty and i always cast down blame. and since my husband already knows how i deal with him acting stupid and crazy and wont sleep and all this crap i put up with for 6years. my attitude of not caring is what he claims later as being why his episodes go for as long as they do. therefore he does the great unthinkable every time. since he cant deal with my not caring and resenting him, he runs off to wherever he goes (far away from me) and deals with it alone. it works great. coping with his disease is easy for me and besides, look at all the free time i get while he flips his crazy ways into a sobbish drooping mode as he returns. now as long as i stay out of the bedroom, i get a bonus two days for myself as he lays fetile position on the bed mumblin no one loves me or some crap like that. he then gets up normal again and i dont have to cope with anymore of his bipolar antics for a couple weeks. this is so much easier than people make it out to be.
Dear Dave,
I am responding to your email from a couple of days ago, about “canceling Christmas”. I did that last year, to a certain extent (I am bipolar). I was going through a depressed episode, was hospitalized right after Thanksgiving, so I didn’t feel up for shopping for my children, doing cards, cookies-the normal things I do. This year, with the help of my husband and oldest child (age 20), they helped me finish things a little at a time, but way before the “rush” started. I am hoping my plan will keep me from the SADD that I often experience in Jan/Feb. I have been trying to stay on my regular sleep schedule, (except for New Year’s) and a Christmas party. I have been sticking to regular eating times and medication times. I also have made extra meetings for my support group, and attended a session with my counselor last week, for the extra support, and an appointment for the 5th of Jan, right after the holidays. I am hoping this will head off the negative effects that Christmas sometimes has on me. I hope that this comment helps. Have a wonderful holiday.
Chris
Sure, there’s a “let down” after ANY excitement occours. I deal with it by getting back into my routine of working on the Internet more, trying to re-establish my sleep/wake patterns, eating nutritious meals, and exercising more.
Although I hate it when it’s called “exercising,” I do my “power walk” while I’m grocery shopping or walking on the open-air Mall.
The “let down” is ALWAYS emotional and “in my head,” so I know I can deal with it, reallizing that it DOES come after the Holidays. My good friend plans a “King’s Day” celebration about a week after New Year’s, so that’s something to look forward to.
Enable your “to-do” list to include things that are of interest to you – maybe a little out of the ordinary – and DO them. Giving in to the “let down” is NOT healthy, but to be EXPECTED. The more you realize it WILL happen, the more prepared you are for it.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I wish you a BLESSED and VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS, and a HAPPY, HEALTHY and PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR!!
Recently I found out that a friend of mine has bipolar. I took her into my home because she made me believe that her husband was treating her badly. Just last night he broke down and told my husband and I that she is bipolar 1. He too is bipolar but has accepted it and tries to keep himself balanced out. He told us his wife will not admit she is bipolar, but I have seen the signs and symtoms for myself the last two weeks. He has told us she lives and breaths for him not for herself and can be very destructive. They sort of go from rags to riches, which I understand now a little from what I have read on internet. She is a very brilliant woman but not able to keep a job and blames him everytime she looses a job. Some times I am confused at who is telling the truth, however she does receive a Social Security Check each month so I am lead to believe her bipolar is worse than his. He usually works but because of the economy is not working now. I would really like to help her as the both of them are really good hearted people. I may be able to get her a job at my company, but not sure how to deal when she has an episode. My life is stressful as it is and where I work can get very stressful at times and I do not want to do more harm than good for her. I appreciate any information I receive from all of you. Her husband has said they have lost many friends because this and he knows that he will lose many more in the future. They have been together for 13 years, he is not sure how much more he can handle as when she has an episode she will look on his cell phone and call numbers and threaten people to stay away from her husband. I have three children and a husband of 24 years, and do not want to hurt them, but still feel I should try and help her. Two days ago she left my home and got a hotel room, not sure why she left but all her stuff is here. She calls her husband telling him he needs to pay for her room or else, he said he can not keep paying for a hotel room as it is hard enough for him to pay the rent on their home, he told us that we should tell her if she comes back that she can not stay with us so she is forced to go home and he will try to do what he can. Is this what I should do?
Darla. Stay out of it. Seriously, you can help her by sending her in the right direction as to Dr,s, therapists etc. but as far as letting her into your family home, please dont do this. Sooner or later you will be the bad person. Before everyone jumps on me here, I am not saying dont’ help her but you will be enabling her, as David and other bloggers have spoken about.
Brenda Hupp, you just sound plain old cruel.
the holidays are a sore subject for me. understanding how enculturated this time of year is i nonetheless have a tough time appreciating the absurdity of cloaking the financial and emotional stressors with hallmark sentiments and religious fantasy. while i try to keep my disdain in check, i still wait for those celebrating this ghastly time of year to respect my view, instead of forcing their hysteria on me in a manner i find extremely disrespectful.
unlike those counterparts who buy into the month-long stupidity, i don’t force my beliefs on others (well, i guess the exception would kinda-sorta be now). i just try to go about my business keeping my beliefs to myself in the hopes that i don’t find myself in a position that may offend those choosing to partake. but it still amazes me that my choice in how i live is judged as sad, or worse.
this has worked for a good number of years, yet i find myself in a position where my bipolar partner loves this time. doesn’t bode well for me, or in some ways her. the last couple of years worked out well because we didn’t live with one another. my choice then was to buy a few gifts and involve myself in the bare minimum in order for her to feel better. i also figured her friends and family would take up the slack for my perceived deficiencies, which they did.
this year is altogether different. my partner now lives with me and she is still struggling with a fairly bad episode that is slowly diminishing. the episode caused various problems between us and a great deal of financial distress as she doesn’t have insurance and is without full-time employment. so, i struggle with the holidays for even more reasons and fight them in order to avoid exacerbating her condition.
but my resentment is there. i’ve provided a roof over her head, food on the table, paid some of her bills and medical expenses. helped her find work by conducting job searches and bought her clothes so that she felt better about going on interviews (she found full-time employment only recently). i did this despite her crappy behavior and attitude towards me. in spite of her lies and manipulation concerning her substance abuse; in spite of taking it all for granted while demoralizing me.
and now it’s xmas and i’m thinking christmas came so many times for her that making this time of year extra special not only belittles what has been done for her, it also demonstrates what little appreciation she may have for my care and support. no, to me christmas is just another time when your finances are hijacked by people using their beliefs as a form of social and emotional blackmail. but, a little piece of my belief is going by the wayside as i earnestly try to provide her the “room” to celebrate this absurd time.
As this year closes, I would like to express my thanks to those who have helped me through some very difficult times.
From corresponding with some of the survivors and supporters on Dave’s blog, I have gotten to know several very caring people with whom I have developed extremely strong friendships.
I did not have the support of my own family. Many of my own kin have been intentionaly hurtful and nonsupportive. These family members have been harmful and uncaring. I have learned through this Bipolar site that we all need supporters in our lives. We all need people to care about us.
It is more detrimental to our wellness to have family/friends who are not supportive and hurt us. I have realized that I have often sought the support of people not willing or caring enough to help me improve my life.
I want to thank those of you have gone out of their way to be so helpful and kind to me this year:
Sue from Ohio…You are the kindest and most thoughtful friend I have met! I would have never made it through all of this pain without your warmth and concern for me. Thank you, my sister, for caring about me.
Suzanne…thank you for everything you have done to help me through the difficult times I have had.
Jeannie…you brighten my day and make me smile!
Helen…thank you for wealth of knowledge and your care. I appreciate you worrying and caring about me,
Diane in Toronto…thanks for answering my emails and keeping in touch when I needed you,
Graham Nelson…I appreciate your kindness and sense of humor,
Bob-a-Survivor…Thank you for your kind advice.
Stacey…Thank you! I have learned a lot from you. You are very sweet!
Thank you, Dave Oliver, for writing your informative emails and maintaining this blog. You are helping many people (survivors and supporters) learn about mental health disorders.
Have a great Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Brenda Hupp Does this really work for you? His life could be in danger when he runs off like that …Its not my place to judge anybody but where is the love here?
To Tried Them All. Thanks girl, laughter is after all the best medicne.
and Dave thanks for sendin such a good friend
My wife is bipolar.She was diagnosed about 2 years ago ,although the symptoms are at least 10 years old.We were initiallt told it was the “yuppy” flu/Severe fatigue syndrome/depression.
My wife seems to get into the manic depressive state just before any big event /get-together which will often wreck it for those involved.She is an exceptionally good looking women and the majority of people never believe you when you explain about this disease ,and generally think it is you that have caused it and are using this as an excuse.I don’t know if any other supporters have this ?
This is the first time I have written on the blog although I did subscribe to Daves’ package and told her what it was I never ended up recieving it
I understand what you are talking about. I am bipolar and I think Christmas is just one big hassle between buying presents, attempting to wrap them with my cat around, and send out Christmas cards. I wish I could forget the whole thing. Right now I am dealing with a mother who broke her wrist three weeks ago, so I am having to do a lot of things for her and that doesn’t help.
Christmas Day we always go to one of my cousin’s houses who lives about an hour away where we spend Christmas Day with cousins of mine that I only see at Christmas and don’t care anything about. If it werent’ for Christmas I would never see them, which would be fine! It’s just one big hassle! Can we not just cancel the whole thing or just turn it into a one day event like Easter?
Thanks Dave for giving me the opportunity to express myself. I am a Spanish native speaker, so I apologize for my language’s mistakes.
My son was diagnosed as bipolar on September, 2007 he had a very serious episode and was at the hospital during two weeks. AFter that, he followed taking medications and he looked very fine, but certainly the “important” events (his “very difficult to get” graduation of school; tests to enter into an university…) makes him “eager” . And a week ago he has had a second episode… He was stopped taking his medicine during three days (he said). Fortunately, this time was not so severe (we realized earlier and looked for medical help sooner) as a year ago and it is probable he will be home for Christmas day again. I do not what should I do to help him when he will be at home again… Please advise me!
Thanks
Things are different this year! Last year I didn’t know my daughter (22) had been diagnosed as bipolar. She left home at 19 and has been “gypsy-ing” around for 3yrs. Getting into trouble in all kinds of ways. For the past 2yrs I frantically tried to keep in touch and it became a game of cat and mouse which I now realize that she enjoyed at my expense. As the holidays neared she became even more elusive her “friends” misled into thinking… I don’t know what, assisted her in the hide and seek. Since discovering her condition I’ve learned to respond differently. Now she seeks me out! I don’t use up my precious little vacation and PTO days trying to find her to see if she is alright. I don’t always drop what I’m doing to take her calls, letting her leave a message instead. And since I have backed off her curiosity has gotten the better of her. She calls and comes around more on her own. She knows that she is welcome at home any time but I don’t specifically ask her to come and I wait for her to ask what the holiday schedule is going to be. I’ve actually been able to have more contact with her in the last 3 months than I have had in years. I’m not fooled for a second though, if I were to start trying too hard again she would go underground. She still keeps her where abouts and names of friends and associates to a minimum. (first names or street names) I’ve found that if I want information the best resources are police reports so I’ve formed my own contacts in that area. Her probation officer used to be a good source of info. but my daughter has now convinced the P.O. that I’m out to get her so that source has dried up. As I become “healthier” in my life (not giving my time/resources over to finding/helping her instead spending more time with friends and family) and in my approach to her (ex. not fixating on trying to fix things/her) I’ve found that I can step out of the situations, examine and learn from them so I’m not just reacting all the time. Accepting that things are going to keep going bad for my daughter and there isn’t anything I can do to change that. AND knowing that the best thing I can do is stay healthy and informed so that when she is ready to change her situation I can have some helpful input has been a major turning point in my life. I WISH ALL OF YOU A HAPPY AND HEALTHIER NEW YEAR!
I enjoy bargain shopping any time of year. I enjoy all the traditions of exchanging presents, cards and cakes, etc. However, I do not take part in the madness of visiting or inviting relatives just because they’re relatives and never understood why people do this. And why does this season always create so much stress? My boyfriend will be with me most of Christmas, though will have dinner with family members. When I was married, I loved cooking the Christmas Dinner and I miss that part of it. We will be together for the New Year. Who I see the New Year in with has always been more important than what I do at Christmas. He has just come out of a depressive episode and still has off days and only last week has shown signs of hypomania. There are certain people around him that get him worked up if he lets them. His next appointment with his psych is in January. I hope and pray that we will get through this without too much stress.
TRIED THEM ALL, It’s great to hear that you are ok and more positive now.
BRENDA HUPP, I hope you can learn a lot from Dave’s emails (as I have), so you can try to understand your husband’s bipolar and support him in difficult times.
For the post holiday blues or any other blue time I pull out the book Dr Burns “Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy” and make use of the checklists and index for speedy reading. I also sit in the sunshine of my east facing window, be good to myself, and try to do at least 1 thing a day rather than beating myself up for not doing it all. Eileen
this is For Brenda Hupp
Let me tell you something, Brenda is not plain cruel she is dealing with things the only way that she can. So for all you wonderful people out there I know where she is at because I am there myself
Being promised a fantastic Christmas and strung along right until the 11th hour and then told that he is running via a text!!! So you make the most of your peace and you deal with it – what else is she and I supposed to do when your other half promises the world on a daily basis when all you want them to do is to go and be diagnosed, but no that would be too hard wouldnt it?
so now my daughter and I are sat on our own in our own peace with no hassle, yes heartbroken and missing my other but he is away with the fairies somewhere, probably on holiday in the sunshine with another woman telling her she is all that (ha ha bloody ha!).
So to you Brenda, you keep it up and make the most of what little you are allowed because what else can you do?
All the best and happy Christmas
Darla;
I believe a psycholigist would be the best option, as they must deal with the real Issuse.
As they cannot Prescribe Drugs.
psych. will merely put your friend in a coma.