David I do understand what this women means – if the sufferer is refusing to accept and take responsibility, then all your writing and suggestions, (no matter how good they are, which they are) really mean very little, as there is only so much a supporter can do. And then being a family member of the supporter must be very frustrating as they have to stand by and watch their loved ones go through the pain. They must sometimes feel almost more helpless than the supporter. And the sufferer does often use bipolar as an excuse for their behaviour. Until they take responsibility for the disorder they certainly won’t take responsibility for their actions during an episode. I learnt the hard way after twenty years that no matter how many well meaning books and websites and advice there is out there, none of it really makes any difference to the situation until the sufferer takes responsibility – and that is possibly what she is meaning in saying that “she gets away with it”.

HEY DAVE:
The person who wrote the letter, avent they ever been guilty of something be for. Am sure they have: Take some time and have a bit of a think something will come to you.
And guess what its a natural feeling and you learn from that.
linda x

Wow her email sounds like people in my life (family & friends). I am a supporter. I have a 26 yr old son that is bipolar. We have been through a lot together and he is paying the price in so many ways. He has been stable the last year. In getting your emails I have been able to understand and help him in putting togethe a stable life for himself. For every two steps forward there is one step back. But it still puts him in the forward mode. In spite of his progress there are still people amongst my family and friends who think that he is just using his bipolar to “get away with it”. Funny but no one steps forward and offers to take my watch. No one else looks into the information or makes sure he gets his meds. So I just turn a deaf ear to them and continue onwards. I see an improvement and that is enough for me.

I dont agree with the women who wrote all that. It is clear she hasnt educated Herself on the illness! I have bipolar and Im my daughter s supporter with hers and we are helping each other cope and take our meds! I never ever used my illness as a copout to things I do. I take responsibility for my actions and thats my example for my daughter!

I don’t think you condemn the supporter, but you sure do try to always find a reason for the actions of the one with the disorder (not “praising them” necessarily) but always saying how we supporters should have to find a way to manage their actions.
Well I too am tired of it! My older sister is bi-polar and is right now trying to ruining my life by still trying to have me prosecuted for an arguement that we had way back in in October ’08. She has refused every settlement the authorities set in front of her and just keeps pushing to next level, which we are finally at (jury court). I finally had to hire legal representation.
I was trying to hand her some papers to remind her of a time in our lives when we were very close (because I hurt for her and miss her terribly), and she began screaming and cursing at me and flipping me the bird over and over. I walked over to her, put the papers on her lap, and asked her to please just look at them for me. She shoved the bird finger right in my face and I grabbed it to get it away from my eyes and it made a noise. I feared I broke it, and immediately apologized and went to leave, but she followed me,and continued the verbal abuse as she ripped up the papers and threw them down. She then punched me in the face (the upper jaw right below the eye). She did all of this with a supposed broken finger.? This is what she is claiming.
After seeing her medical papers, the type of break she has is almost always caused by blunt force trauma but because I didn’t take pictures of my face (which was only puffy and red for a couple days – the jawbone is very solid) but she has medical papers on her finger that we heard crack and she is going after me big time!
Her two grown children, who dealt with her only a couple years ago themselves and had to, at that time, trick her into going to the hospital for help. They are believing in her and saying she is not having a problem. They state that she is taking her med’s regularly and she is fine. I have tried to get them to join your newsletter, but they refuse, saying they know everything about her disorder. Well, I know they don’t because I joined after the arguement she and I had, and I have faithfully read and saved your letters every day and have learned so much! But you do always try to find a way for us “supporters” to be okay with their actions.
But when your husband and kids are affected, like mine are, it can make a person “very angry” that we are supposed to always deal with it!
How can you involve the right authorities and get them help, as you say? I know from experience, unless the person does something to seriously hurt someone, the authorities won’t step in to help. There are many forms of abuse and unless the person with a disorder crosses the line, there is no help out there for the supporter. (and I think they know this) thus causing them to “get away with it”!
I can understand where this woman is coming from. The authorities can be notified (as you say to do), but it can be months or longer before anything can be resolved and most authorities don’t understand anything about bi-polar disorder. It took me several tries to find legal representation that could help me in this situation, because I don’t want to “get her” like she wants to do to me, and that’s what several legals wanted to do for me.
It is extremely frustrating and very maddening and sometimes you just gotta vent!

UNLESS YOU ARE IN THIS WOMANS SHOES, DONT ADD COMMENTS, IF YOU DONT THINK BIPOLAR AFFECTS EVERYONE, YOU ARE SADLY MISTAKEN….. MAYBE THERE ARE NO PHYSICAL SCARS FOR THE VICTIMS OF BIPOLAR ABUSE, BUT THE VERBAL AND MENTAL ONES ARE PLANTED FOR LIFE…. IF YOU DONT THINK THAT CHILDREN OF BIPOLAR PARENTS ARE NOT AFFECTED, YOU AR SO WRONG,,,,,,,,,,I KNOW IF I KNEW I WAS BIPOLAR I WOULD NOT BRING A INNOCENT CHILD INTO MY WORLD….I HAVE DONE YEARS OF RESEARCH, AND IT IS NOT RECOMMENDED TO HAVE CHILDREN……..WHERE ARE THESE BABIES RIGHTS???…THEY DO NOT ASK TO BE BORN, I THINK IT IS VERY SELFISH OF SOMEONE WHO IS BIPOLAR TO WANT THIS FOR THEIR CHILDREN…………………..DAVE WAS CPS EVER CALLED ON YOUR MOM?. OR WHAT ABOUT YOUR GRANDPARENTS, YOU NEVER SPEAK OF THEM,,,, OR WERE THEY THROWN OUT OF THE PICTURE???. GOD BLESS YOU FOR ALL YOU PUT FORTH TO HELP….

David,
First I’d like to say that I am relatively new to your news letter and am thankful I have found it. It has given me many insights into the disorder that I just never knew existed.
I would like to comment on the frustrated mother-in-law.
I understand that you may feel slandered in your own way by her comment that you “always praise the guilty”. I think that your website is designed for both sides of the disorder. You try to inspire people with the disorder to become proactive in helping themselves by sharing stories of other bipolar individuals in an attempt to let them know that they to can achieve a balanced successful life. Then you have this completely different aspect that gives supporters advice and contact information on how to become more informed about what they are actually trying to support.
I also can relate to her frustration as a supporter. As, I read your battle as a supporter it was very clear that you loved your mother and juat want to help her. I think the mother-in-law is facing a very different mental battle than you were. She is dealing with a person she needs to grow to love because she loves her son and grandchildren and wants to remain in their lives while you have unconditional love for your mother. Unfortunately I also believe that based on basic human nature what she is going through when she reads your news letter,support sites, or any of your other advice might be perceived as being very gentle on the person with the disorder.
I myself have been married for 18 years to a man who was diagnosed with bipolar disored just over a year ago. When our daughter was just under 2 years of age I found out he had a serious drug problem with cocaine. Then as the years progressed we had to battle this problem on and off. I had started thinking my husband had a deeper problem after my daughter turned 4 and he missed her birthday party because he was in rehab for his drug problem. At this time. I am 21 years old and have absolutely no support from his family. I felt and still feel that they are thankful someone else deals with him and they don’t have to be involved. It is very frustrating and makes u very angry to know you are alone with this person you can’t get to get help for himself while you have a 4 and 6 year old. They are and should be my first priority. Years pass and all I can think of through out them is just get through until your daughter graduates. You know she loves her dad and I had already suffered enough emotional and physical abuse that I knew I was never going to allow her to visit him without me. I have found open suringes in my dirty laundry, had a cigarette put out on my thigh, been slapped around on numberous ocassions as well as had him destroy many things in our home. There was no way I was ever going to let my children be forced to visit their father on the weekend alone. Fast forward to last year. I just couldn’t take the abuse any longer and she was now old enough to help protect herself. february 15,2008 my husband had another one of these “episodes as they are called” he had been stalking my work and cell phone records for about 2 months at this time and I just kept thinking he won’t find anything and it will stop. How wrong I was. He again began accisung me of being a whore and a bitch. Things I have heard so much that they almost don’t even hurt anymore. Then his abuse rapidly added physical violence again. I had a black eye for three months and was very bruised and sore for weeks. This time I just had to get a restraining order. The police became involved. They escort me to my house to get clothing and we find the whole house trashed. He ran his truck through the garage door, threw a concrete block through the sliding glass window and destroyed many things through out the house. All of his violence was focused on me. He didn’t even enter the kids rooms only destroyed my things. I had to stay at a friends house because the police would not let me go home because no one knew where he was. Finally he calmed down and came back. At this time I then had this huge legal issue that he was facing. It was very frustrating to have to face the fact of sending your daughters dad to jail for 10 years. Not to mention the guilt, but at the same time know you just couldn’t live in fear anymore. I finally got him to see a psychiatrist. He was then diagnosed with bipolar disorder and given medication. I felt like that was my salvation. He takes this medication and is better.that is all the psychiatrist did though was give him medication and refer him to a therapist! No explanation of what we are facing, no clear understanding of the illness, no direction on suport groups, not even a clear diagnosis of the type of bipolar he had. I didn’t even know there was different types or that this was much larger than a drug problem or could be part of the whole problem with his drugs. My husband has since desided to stop taking his medication because when he discussed his horrible side effects with the psychiatrist he just increased the dosage and added an anti depressant. Rather than continueing to take the medication and talk to the doctor again he just stopped taking it. I had no idea. Finally his behavior was so out of hand again that he started becoming violent. The police had to come again. They made him take his medication and transported him to a hotel for the night. Then he starts calling me to come there and I refuse. The calls stop until the next morning when he has no memory of the night before. I am wondering if a lot of her anger isn’t steming from the fact that her like myself need to have better medical attention and advice as well as all of the players in the scinario not being adequately educated. Seriously, why would you take an unstable man to a hotel and treat me like I shouldn’t know what was happening and talking to me as if I am the reason you are here. Why wasn’the taken to the hospital and put under treatment? That night I was putting laundry away and as I straightened up his drawer I found medication he hadn’t taken. I began to search more and found 3 weeks of medication. I thought he had been taking it all along. I would remind him everynight and watch him take it. This is where you become very angry with the victim. Not only do I struggle with finding $400 dollars a month for medication, remind you to take it and watch you, but you won’t help yourself and everyone else get’s to deal with it. It is very frustrating to be dealing with someone your entire adult life who would rather blame you for setting him off than learn and deal with his own illness. I am angry that I have had a drug problem and mental disorder for 18 years that isn’t even mine. To have to watch my son and grandchildren go through this would be unbearable. I often wonder if it is just an excuse for him everytime he wants to be abusive. I understand that your mother was never physically abusive to you and I am very glad for u, but mental abuse is almost just as bad. I know I have lived it for half my life and sometimes I just pray that the next time he is abusive physically he just kills me so I don’t have to endure it any longer. I can’t leave because I feel guilty because this is a mental illness and because my daughter loves her father, but I am just exhausted and tired of it all. I have had to seek medical attention myself because of the anxiety and emotional issues of just trying to be a supporter. I have recently just leveled with my daughter and told her everything I knew and told her that I was sorry, but there was no one else I could have help me. She understands and is willing to help, but she is 16 and I think it just sucks I have to put her in an adult situation and feel very guilty that I can’t do this myself and protect her from it. I just didn’t know what else to do. Our son turned 18 in February of this year and had already moved in with his grandmother because he just couldn’t deal with it. If my husbands anger wasn’t directed at me it was him. That makes me again doubt that he doesn’t have any control. Why is it not directed at our daughter as well? Why is she the only one he doesn’t try to hurt physically. My husband doesn’t even see that he is still hurting her mentally.
So, in whole, I feel for the mother-in-law as well and understand her very real anger and frustration. And to tell you the violence is very real even if they are on medication. So, obviously I now know the medication not only needs to be taken but modified. My husband is a very good actor though I watch him take it everynight. Just think he was going through the motions and taking nothing. If I hand it to him to make sure he is taking it he will just become angry so sometimes I think you are in a very real no win situation. This again just causes frastration, anger, resentment and pain.

Dear David I really have to say that your letters have been real informative and helpful my ex-girlfriend was diagnosed with BP. Although we are not together anymore the information you have put out helps me in my career today, so keep up the good work.

I have had issues over the years with my husband. We have been together for 12 years, some of the time has been spent separated and in an uncomfortable part of our relationship. For years, many friends and a few of his family members suspected strongly that he “was bipolar but would never get help”. He has problems with his anger, which led to very violent and terrible problems between us and in other areas of his/our lives. We have a child together, and, unfortunately, she has seen some things happen that should not be witnessed by anyone, especially one so young and innocent. I finally left (fled), which was the point at which he decided he wanted to do something about his “issues”. He had begun to realize that his anger was beyond his own control and that he needed to figure out what to do about it. He sought psychiatric help and FINALLY FOUND AN ANSWER! He was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and began taking medication immediately. His friends and family members noted the change and were so pleased and excited. He was “himself” for the first time in years. I did not give up on him. Many people had done so already, unfortunatly. Nor did I see that his diagnosis as a “copout”. He has found an answer. WE have found an answer. He still struggles with the medications, and he has gone off of them ONCE, because of the side effects. Realizing the lack of control he has over his emotions caused him to seek a different doctor, with my help and encouragement. He has begun a different type of medication and is doing very well. I refuse to give up on him. He needs my support. He needs his family’s support. He knows that his past actions were wrong, and he never wants to feel “possessed” by the disorder again. I have been hurt by his past actions, and it has taken a LOT of strength, prayer, and love to be next to him today. But I know that he is not using his Bipolar Disorder as an excuse. He has his answer, and he is dealing with it. With the proper level of medications, he is more wonderful than I remember and much more at peace with the world and himself.

I have gotten so much information and support from your daily emails David it has been a personaljourney from abject despair and guilt to hopefulness.

I feel so much for the lady in question:I do remember the endless days of anger alternating with sadness over my daughters Bipolar. I remember the tears , the overwhelming grief the anger I felt , the helplessness when my daughter was sectioned by court to the mental hospital. I remember the choking feeling of helplessnmess and the truelly anguished journeys I made every day to the hospital when she was there.My everyday life was ruled totally by my daughters Bi polar illness.

The terrible anger/ anguish caused me to lose my job – because I could not contain my personal grief anger and anxiety over my daughters mental illness in the midst of my work mates and on occassion I would go over the top and be very angry with some of the exchanges I had with my work mates, and that was not good I had to find a way out of my private hell.

There is very little help out there for supporters and what there is , isnt very helpful – commiseration helps only the giver of sympathy neither is criticism.

So what David has done is give us practical steps to our own salvation like:
don’t be an enabler
Live life every day, take time out for oneself, Understand Bipolar, understand the three steps to wellness for the Bipolar suffere: meds,therapy and exercise,
clearly define boundaries of acceptable behaviour
the list goes on and on.

There are 2 peices of information that have truelly helped me are:

Bipolar illness has no respect for class, race or culture , it can hit anywhere it is truelly the enemy

people with bipolar who are in an episode cannot help themselves ( when they do the really crazy things they do)the terrible things they say the bizarre things they believe in, and after the episode they may not remember the things they have said.

These gems alone allowed me to let go ( with relief)some of the overwhelming guilt and anger that was consuming me.

Most of all David you have given that ray of hope :that sufferers of Bipolar can come through their bipolar and can live normal lives – when no other person either in the health professions or my family have offered such hope just critcisms of myself and my daughter .

Each day I learn more and more just by being a supporter , one has to truelly let go of personal bias and fears towards mental illness. I have had to change my whole attitude towards mental patients in general and my daughters illness specifically, and as a result I do believe Ive grown as a person.

My daughter will come back from this most horrible afflication and once again live a normal life – I know this.
Regards
Shona

Hi David,
You are correct that the lady is not giving us all the info about her doughter in-law, but correct that she is fustrated that her doughter in-law is not or not getting all the treatment she needs to live a healthy life. And the things her doughter in-law does will effect everone around them. Its hard to live with bipolar person.

I’ve been getting your e-mails for sometime now just for information on bipolar disorder.I have a younger sister that hasthe bipolar disorder. I just refur to it as a sickness (yes, I know its not correct, but when your not aloud to be involved to help then what else can be said). My sister does not want anyone else to know what her treatment plan is. The clinic refuses to let other family members know, but we have to live with her out bursts, not cleaning up after self(cloths on the floor, piling up mail, collecting things that are trash and piling them up, and more like this), refusing to clean her dishes, not paying her bills, and on and on.
Well we cannot help her if she will not let us. Our father (who is now 80 years old) has been dealing with her spending problems, bank account in both therir names, but nothing has changed. Cannot keep a job (we understand that one), takes her meds when she wants, and on… I have given up!!! I am moving out. My older sister wont even come around or call. My younger sister has made it so that it will only be her and our father living in the same house. She controlling and dominating person when it comes to our father, she realy does tell him what to do. She sleeps in his bed, plays on his computer (yes, she has two other bed rooms with beds in them and her own computer), tells him what he will eat, even when his doctor tells he neeeeeeds a special diet (cannot live off of meat and starches). I know this sounds like I crying out and mad about the whole thing. I am scared of her and the things she can do and there is no place I can go. We have called the police and she counters with her own accccount of things. They did not see anything nor have a witness. So, yes she gets away with it, the hitting, the throwing of things, piles of trash. If me or my father try to do anything about it, we are the ones that are threaten. Like at this time, she started cooking something and walked away. What was she doing, playing a game on the computer, but she wont admit to it even thow my father went in there found play the game and nothing. I fear for my life, my dogs, and my father.
So I must get out and my father will be the in harms way. Is this the correct thing to do???
I do admit, you’re correct that a person with this disorder and knows it, but refuses to admit it, are not getting to correct treatment. And I also fear that they can be a danger to others around them.
So you see, the lady with daughter in-law trouble is not a lone. But like me so many others are getting away if are not involved, knowing is only half the battle and not knowing is trouble and we have lost…

Thank you, Kevin

I am the mother of a 17 year old young man with bipolar, ADD, TBI, and anxiety disorders. I’m a single mom, and he’s my baby, so it’s just the two of us at home. I do understand this woman’s frustration so well. David, I don’t think she was really accusing you as much as she was venting her frustration. I don’t want to pick her post apart; perhaps her wordage wasn’t the most descriptive, but the emotions are very clear. Reading all these posts has at least helped me feel less isolated in what someone called, “my own private hell”. I know that even though my family all know my son’s situation, they can’t possibly understand what it is to live with a person who cycles so rapidly, who can go from elation to rage in a matter of moments, to never knowing from one day to the next whether this medication is going to work today, never to know what telephone calls will be received, how much damage will be done to your house, your belongings, your heart, your body. I don’t blame my son for his condition. When he cries (and he’s a big strong masculine guy), when he tells me daily that he would rather be dead, when he can’t look at another person because he’s afraid, when he can’t express his feelings, when he can’t advocate for himself, when he wants to try so much to be NORMAL, my heart breaks for him. I could never, ever blame him. But, and this is a big one, when he is attacking me, when he spews his frustration on me, when he blames me for his illness, when I am a prisoner in my own home, when I can’t have friends or go do things I would like to do (either because I have to be available or he just cannot tolerate my doing anything he might find embarrassing), I do feel resentment. I do feel hurt, and angry, and I do feel that he can do this to me because he’s ill, and I really have no recourse. He’s not getting away with anything, but he’s also not accountable.

I must be surrounded by saints, because when I read “helpful” information for the supporters of those with bipolar, I really get a lot of “remember it’s not them, it’s their disease, take some time for yourself, discuss changes with their doctors, be informed, get exercise, make sure they’re taking their meds, eating well, sleeping well, etc., ad infinitem. I can’t do it all. I have come to realize that if he won’t take his meds, he won’t take them. Period. If he wants to stuff his face full of junk, he is going to find a way to do it, whether it’s stealing money from me, or whatever method he can find. If he wants to stay awake until one or two or three, he will. And if I get in his way, chances are something or someone is going to get hurt. I have been pushed, choked, hit, I’ve had the wheel of the car jerked out of my hands on the freeway, or objects put in front of my face while driving, I still have many holes in the walls of my house, I have no video camera left to tape his rages because he smashed both of them. He is full of self-loathing for all this, I know. It only perpetuates the cycle. He sees his psydoc every two weeks. His doctor tells him every appointment, “Don’t give up on yourself; I’m not giving up.” The best medication we tried was Zyprexa, but my son gained so much weight he refused to continue with it. So now he runs between 3 and 5 miles a day on his doctor’s recommendation, but still refuses to take it because he’s afraid to be fat.He takes a migraine medication now, because nothing else we’ve tried has been effective. He drinks alcohol a lot when he’s with his “friends”.

He has TBI from a motorcycle accident a couple years ago (he almost killed himself)and has short term memory problems from that. School is torture. I’m a teacher, and he won’t let me help him at all. He’s falling drastically behind. Now we’re looking at a GED so he can move on before he drops out. But I don’t think he understands that he will have to work hard for that as well. One of the most tragic aspects of this whole situation is that he is so talented, funny, smart, insightful, and compassionate, and no one but his closest relatives knows it at all. What is going to happen to him? It’s terrifying, and I can’t imagine what his adulthood will be like, and that’s if he even gets there.

Last November he took a bottle of Seroquel. He was immediately sorry and purged – it saved his life. He was very sick despite that. I found out that you only throw up about half of what you take! That put him in the hospital for an evaluation – what a joke that was. He’s not stupid, by a long shot. He knows what to say – we’ve gone through three family counselors and two individual counselors. He knows the “speak”. I ended up with a “rule-out this, and rule-out that diagnosis (or non-diagnosis)and an emergency plan that he ripped up. He had an episode on the way home from the hospital.

What in the world do supporters do to help and get help? I’ve called 911. The police have come. By the time they get here, he’s calm and responsive. Actually, by that time, he’s exhausted. We both are.

Do I think you excuse the sufferer? No. But no one ever, ever talks about the fact that unless the bipolar sufferer takes responsibility for the fact that they are the one who has the disorder, there is nothing the supporter can do but hang on for dear life, and wait for this episode to pass. In my son’s case, he could rapid cycle all day long. How is he going to have a life? He does hide behind bipolar. Nearly every day I hear, “You don’t know what it’s like to have bipolar!” Well, that’s absolutely true in the most personal way. But I believe that I do have bipolar, in a sense. Anyone who lives with a bipolar sufferer has it. And we all suffer. I know what it’s like to live with bipolar. It really can be hell. I tried to go to counseling for myself, but I can’t afford everything that he needs and go to counseling for myself as well. That’s another recommendation.

Okay, I’ve rambled enough. But I’m grateful to you, David, that you shared this letter, because I’ve needed to hear that others share my feelings, selfish or not. I know it’s not his fault, but when I’m attacked, verbally, emotionally, physically – I’m still being attacked. There’s no help in the world. There really isn’t. Without faith I don’t know where I’d be right now. We just live one day at a time. God bless everyone out there living with bipolar.

The courts and government need to have an understanding of this mental desease, they really do not and it has screwed up my life forever. I used to be a supporter, but I can’t even be a father to my kids because of the visious lies that has devestated my kids and I. No one wants to believe a man. No one wants to take a first step, I believe my kids could be in harms way and I can not do anything, the government wants to wait until something tragic happens, they even helped her in defrauding the government. I don’t have money and time to fight for my kids and I need help.

David,
I can undestand the things you say about this, as you have enlightened me with your information, but i also can see the woman’s hurt and frustration and wish to enlighten you also. You do a wonderful job and the information you pass on is definately needed by everyone, not just the bipolar people and their supporters but also the general public who might come into contact with an episode. I whole heartedly encourage you to keep on doing exactly what your doing and to tell you that you are appreciated.
Now, I personally have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I do not have bad episodes, but I do have it. I was married for twelve years to a man who had terrible episodes and I must say it was very difficult. I know how the woman feels, but the reason I am writing is to tell you that there are people out there who are totally convinced they are “owed” by society and the people around them and that they know exactly how to medicate themselves, or not, and they refuse help of the people who love and care for them, and even the professionals can only give care if they have them in their care. I dealt with this. I dealt with a man who did this and he now is convinced he is fine, has bipolar disorder and needs no medication except an herbal one which does nothing to help him. He is convinced that he can use his disorder when it pleases him to do so and not when it doesnt help him. I am now divorced from him. I found my solice in your information. It helped me to understand that he made the choice and i can only do so much, but there are those out there who do use the systems that are in place to help the people with bipolar disorder and to get away with things by using it. They also think it is their due to repeatedly do so. They do also refuse other help and intervention. They have rights to do so. They are not forced to continue medications and help. They have choices and only those who choose to help themselves and admit the extent of the disorder, can honestly get real help and maintain it. You taught me this. I had a very hard time before your information. I know that others are facing this and they dont mean to come down on you personally, but the hurt and fustration is so over powering, I know, I had a stress related heart attack from it. I hope this helps the woman and will clear this up. Your friend and avid supporter, Valerie.

Hi David and friends

Well, it is with great interest that I read this blog today. Firstly, thanks again David to you and your team who work so hard each day for sufferers of Bi-Polar and their supporters. I do however feel though, that you take it too personally when some one critisises you David, we all know that you are doing the best that you can do and sometimes, supporters and outsiders like family members or friends, are just venting their frustrations. Anyway with that being said, I can understand this lady’s frustrations. I have been with my husband for 28 years now – he was diagnosed with bi-polar last year. We have been through one divorce and three separations. He still will not come to terms or take responsibility for his illness. He stopped taking his meds (again) and refuses to go back to his therapist or psychiatrist. He has been an alcoholic for many years as well. Last week my kids of 19 and 17 and I were once again on the receiving end of one of my husband’s “rages”. I do not need to tell any of you what happens during these “rages” as I am sure you all have had similar experiences. Again I sit with damaged doors, sick to death from the stress of it all and very angry kids who do not want anything more to do with their father, because he will not do anything to try to get better, and a very remorseful, guilt-ridden husband, who has no memory of his actions last week. This scenario has repeated itself more times over the years than I can remember now. The kids and I see a therapist to deal with the damage done to us but the sick person doing the damage refuses therapy etc. Dave, your mum may not have abused you physically etc, but I have been on the receiving end of emotional, mental and physical abuse, many times. Now that my kids are older, they are also becoming targets of his rage. My financial status is terrible, and many of our friends no longer want to associate with us. I have a loving and supportive sister-in-law who will help me with what I need, but is too afraid to come and see her brother at our home! Not to mention inviting us over to her home for fear of what he might do while we are there! I see the anguish and remorse my husband feels after an episode but am fast running out of patience and endurance to stay with him if he refuses to do something about his illness.
Thanks again Dave, for all your hard work and efforts put into this blog and daily emails – very much appreciated.

David:
A very good example of a frustrated “supporter” .
Thank you for breaking down each part of the email.
I hope the “supporter” reads this and takes action on her part. If she is so upset then why stand by idle?
If this person with “bi-polar” is acting in such a violent manner then, you are right, appropriate action needs to be taken.

THere is one thing I do disagree with you on.
You stated she must not/could not be “taking her medications”.
This girl may or may not be taking her meds.
No one knows that information. It was not shared in the email.
I have ALWAYS taken my meds and still have episodes.
I say things that are very hurtful, I yell,
I DO NOT physically abuse.

I have been seeing a psychiatrist for 3 years now (since the medicine that I had taken for 15 years suddenly quit working and I had a nervous breakdown). He changes my meds all the time and I have not felt good in years.
However, I did take the appropriate action needed, and got a new psyciatrist at the beginning of this year.

BUT, I am still in the trial and error phase of meds …once again…it is VERY VERY frustrating.
It is a wait and see thing with these meds, perhaps with any med.

Dear Mr. David Oliver,

I am receiving your e-mails about bipolar disorder for some time. I am chemical engineer and biotherapist and I suspect my husband for bipolar depression for a long time.
I have worked psycho-therapy with him but believe me I also had to perform biotherapy treatment on him – very often.

Only psycho-therapy wasn’t enough.

A big part of this disease is self-generated by he himself – by disrespecting some of the main priciples of the normal living. That is :he does not obey his own system – when he is tired he does not rest, when he feels he needs to stand up from his chair (at the PC or anywhere else)he does not, etc. .
The list is too huge but you surely know what I mean.

I found in his situation that he is a kind of “gate” for the bad behaviors and bad energies from his mother
who really had bipolar disorder and severe depression.
And my husband has records with his mother in his system and this causes him to behave as if she were nearby him whispering him what/how to do like a bipolar “pro”.
I passed through very hard times with him and now he is much better. We wanted to avoid medications in order not to intoxicate his liver and blood more than they already were.
We avoid medication because he was in a special situation :he had liver problems and I was affraid he might develop liver cancer. The many tiny little stones he has there in his liver are almost nothing compared to the perspective of cancer.

And his blood was too full of dead or mutant red globules and so was his spleen – so I was sure that first a desintoxication was needed.

I wanted to say that the bipolar people really lie – they lie first on themselves. This is a lie and is not really a lie.

But it surely is a false reality.
Which really is a lie.

They refuse parts of the real life – for reasons that have no logical base – and they insist to see things the way they want them to be.

I am teaching christian biotherapy in my country – as an extra activity – and I’ve seen clearly that if people chose to ignore or reject to pray, to search for the truth 24/24 hours a day – there is no chance for real healing of bipolar depression.

The medication alone only maintains some level of balance – which can be broken easily by no matter what.

The bipolar depression is a disorder in the consciousness. So without using the tools of that level – the pray, the daily serching for the truth, the self-control not to react to the bad challenges, learning how to be in control of your own focus etc – you cannot pretend you do anything for your bipolar disease. You only abuse the others who support you.

This is what I worked with my husband for his bipolar issue – as our psicho-therapy sessions – for 2-3 hours almost every day.

For me all this was a huge trouble but he now is very different in the good sense of the word.
I thank God every day for the inspiration and revelations He gives us and for His love which puts us on our feets every time we feel weak and almost down.

Without understanding what is all about with the bipolar disorder the human tends to imagine things and will suffer and will be upset – the man will panic because of not knowing the truth.

Without praying – the human will not be one to whom you can talk to, you will be abused and aggressed as a supporter by the one who did not really pray all his/her life.

I can imagine what situation you had with your mother.
Maybe she does not accept you to “teach” her anything.
Maybe she selects what she would like to “hear” from you and the rest will be rejected.

Maybe for her the only solution is the medication and your efforts to talk to her from time to time.

Maybe this and only this can help her.

Regarding the e-mail I received from you – about the daughter-in-law who “gets away – or gets caught” with everything – please tell me – why do some people react so stupid?

What is with the lack of the elementary self-education?

In Europe I think you won’t find such situations but very rarely or never.

Why do the people in the US imagine they can behave anyhow even if they respond with violence to your good intentions ?

I personally thank you very much for all the e-mails I’ve received from you – there were days when I really needed them in my efforts to support a bipolar person, there were days when I needed a confirmation that I was right and not his illness – you know how hard time such a person can give you – especially when you are all alone – only you and him.

I thank you and want you to know that your e-mails helped me so much to regain my inner balance in several situations when I was so much confused by the chaos of my husband’s behaviour.

It’s very nice to learn from the others about good things, it’s also very nice to teach the others good things – but when you are involved yourself in supporting a dear one who is bipolar – then you really face the biggest genuine challenge – and this is not nice anymore.

I’ve lived this situation myself.
What a huge difference.

I wanted to tell you you are doing a great job that can really help many people in real need – they can use the good advices you give to them – and I again don’t understand why some of them react against you?
Is it because they regularly use to bite the helping hand? Or is it because they have bipolar issues/traces themselves?

No matter how frustrated one is – what does it have to do with you? You did not give the disease to people
yourself – you just tried to help.

So?
Maybe they have only an inner conflict with God.
And if so – then this is their only personal problem.
We can’t call this “people’s right to react”.
Why not “people’s right to kill other people”,”people’s right to beat anyone at will”, etc ? 🙂

I think some of us are a little too much supportive – and some are a little to much abusive.
So where is the balance here?

I wish you good luck, good health and strongness and to succeed in supporting and healing your mother.

Thank you for your efforts and your good intentions, thank you for what you are doing for people.

I really feel I must add my thoughts today. My husband of 18 years has shown symptoms of bipolar for many years but refuses to seek any professional help–he says he has too much “pride” to admit to anyone else that he has a problem. (He comes from a very dysfunctional family and has two sisters that have been diagnosed with bipolar.) Over the years I have been called every vile name imaginable, accused of things I haven’t done or said, been hit, slapped, spit on, kicked, hair pulled out by the handfuls…the list could go on. He could become very violent and/or destructive in the blink of an eye. It has taken me many years to understand his actions and to to recognize the patterns to his behavior.

Long story short, after what seemed like a 2 YEAR episode–I finally had to take a stand to make him realize that he could not continue on the path he was heading. The verbal and at times physical abuse had become more than I could stand and I called the police one night. This particular night he had destroyed parts of our house, knocked holes in the walls, ripped doors off their hinges, hit me, choked me, threw his plate of dinner at me, and lastly had a gun out threatening to shoot anyone that came to our house. He was arrested, taken to jail and charged with domestic battery. I tried deseparately that night to find a way to force him to get help–but was unsuccessful. I was unable to have him involuntarily committed while he was in custody. The judge refused my request to have him undergo a psych evaluation. I also requested that the judge include court ordered counseling in his sentence, but that was determined to be unnecessary. He was given 1 yr probation, anger management, and a fine. We separated for about 5 months, I needed him to take a step back from the situation and see what he was doing to his family. We eventually reconciled and our lives began to move forward on a more positive note. We have purchased a home, he is working steady at the moment. His “episodes” have not been as severe or as frequent as they were in the past. Even without medication he is doing better than he has in years, but I know it is only a matter of time before he falls back into that pattern he was in for years. I can only pray that he will seek help now while things are going good.

I have wrote way more than I intended, but I do want to tell this one last thing. Even though my husband is doing much better, he is still very unpredictable in his behavior. For example, this past weekend he had been having a good day ( I thought), we had eaten dinner, watched a little TV, and he fell asleep in his recliner. I went to bed and left him sleeping. He woke me up about 3am –screaming at me about a number on my cell phone. When I did not wake up enough to answer him quick enough he backhanded me and continued to scream about the cell phone. I got out of bed and tried to reason with him and calm him down. Which of course did not work, he then started calling me names, said I was cheating on him, that I was stealing his money, that I waste money, blah, blah. He then told me to pack my stuff and get out of his house–he slapped me again and continued to say very mean and ugly things. I refused to argue with him and eventually he wound down and sat in his recliner and fell back to sleep. The next day, he never made one comment about the night before. Acted as if he didn’t remember. Which very well may be the case. This behavior is the one that I least understand, (this is not the first time he has woke me from deep sleep and acted this way). Why so much rage, when there isn’t any external stimuli at that time? He was sleeping. He wasn’t being annoyed, argued with, nagged or stressed or anything that might trigger something like this.

I know that there are many people w/bipolar who are not violent or abusive but unless you live with one that is– there is no way you can understand the things that the supporters go through that do live with it. It is a very rough road. I love my husband and I still have hope that he will eventually get the help that he needs.

Dear Dave ,

I am a relatively new reader of your emails. So far I have found nothing but good advice and encouragement from them.

However, I feel for this woman because I know where she is coming from. The greatest difficulty is watching someone you love constantly being “run over” by someone with BPD and not being able to do anything about it. I hope she reads the responses to her story because I want her to know that she is not alone in her grief, anger and frustration. For those of us on the sidelines, it is gut wrenching. Even though we are not in the thick of it, we are still greatly affected by it. We often cannot be supporters of the person with BPD because they won’t let us, we can only support our love ones as best we can.

I want to address the comment you made about people with BPD not being violent to other people in most cases. While I am not an expert in any way, I have to disagree on this because in the 3 cases that I am exposed to on a regular basis (completely unrelated in anyway), all three have violent tendencies toward others. That would seem to indicate that it may be more common than you think.

I know from first hand the woman’s feelings about the person with BPD getting away with things. My stepson’s mother has made a complete mess of his and our life for the past 2 years and seemingly has gotten away with it because even though she was diagnosed with BPD many many years ago, she has since moved several times and changed her doctors several times and has made sure that her records were never forwarded. So there is no current record of her having BPD. She is being treated for depression, but as you know, that just doesn’t cut it. She lost custody of her son over 10 years ago because of her behavior but almost 2 years ago she went off her meds again and involved a government agency and through lies and manipulation got temporary custody given to her. She then used those government agencies to keep my stepson away from his father for over 7 months. The government agencies and justice system have done nothing to acknowledge her problem and my stepson has suffered mentally, emotionally and more recently physically because of this. She lies to him all the time. She goes out of her way to make him feel guilty whenever he expresses concern about her behavior. When he finally told her flat out that he wanted to come home she hit him. Yet even the physical abuse has been given only a passing glance. She has devastated our family, not only mentally and emotionally, but financially as well. Where is the justice in being made to pay an emotionally ill person to continue their lies, deceit and abuse of a child? Not to mention the lawyer bills. So far everything that she says seems to be viewed as gospel truth without any evidence to support it. It is my experience that people with BPD are very convincing liars because they honestly believe the delusions that they are presenting as truth. It does seem that there is no justice to be found when dealing with people with BPD. Neither the government agencies nor the justice system seem to have a clue about people with BPD. Thank the Lord, things seem to be coming to an end. If it wasn’t for our faith in God’s perfect plan, I don’t know how we would have made it this far. I have 3 other children who miss their brother terribly and he misses them equally as much. We look forward to getting him home and hopefully getting his mother the help that she needs.

So I can sympathize with this woman and understand the hurt she feels. I know the frustration. I want to encourage her with this thought – You don’t have to like someone to love them and pray for them to get the help they need. I know, I do it for my stepson’s mother all the time.

God bless you Dave for what you do! THANK YOU!

Dear Dave,

My daughter is almost 15, was misdiagnosed with ADHD and now has been correctly been diagnosed with BPD. I have recently found you.
My reaction to the woman who wrote you is to quit copping out on everyone else, get involved, get educated on BPD and become a positive influence. Anyone who is a supporter knows this is frustrating. It is easier to deal with a smile on your face than a negative attitude.
Thankyou for your ceaseless fount of info!