Hi, how are you? I hope you’re feeling fine.
I have to share this email with you, because it concerns me:
“Dear Dave, Things are really bad for us right now. My husband lost his job, and hasn’t been able to find another one. They are getting ready to foreclose on our house. Because of things he has done in his bipolar episodes, our boys aren’t even talking to him. And I get so frustrated day after day working hard and coming home to find out that all he did was sleep all day. The house isn’t clean, there is nothing for supper, and he hasn’t even taken a shower.
This has to be because of his bipolar disorder, right? Because he never was a lazy person before. Well, at least not before he lost his job. He’s getting so
discouraged that he hasn’t been able to find another one, and I feel guilty that I’m working and he isn’t.
He misses appointments with his doctors and therapist because he says we don’t have the money for it, but I think that is just making him worse. I have to believe him when he says he is still taking his medications, but I’m not sure because I don’t watch him take them. And things between us aren’t good at all either. He just won’t talk to me. And I have a hard time talking to him because I don’t want to say anything to upset him. So we really don’t have any communication any more.
I know you’ve probably heard all this before, like I did at support meetings, but I never thought it would happen to me and my husband. I’m about ready to give up. Any suggestions?
Keep up the good work,
Sarah
What an email. But she’s right about one thing – this doesn’t surprise me, because I do get a lot of emails from supporters struggling through the things that Sarah is going through right now.
I’m not a lawyer or realtor, so I can’t comment on her losing her house. I’m not a therapist or counselor, either, so I can only give my opinion based on what she said in her email. I’m not a magician either, though, so I don’t have a magic word to give her to make everything ok for them.
A lot of people come to me and want me to solve their problems for them. Some even get mad when I tell them that I don’t have any pat answers that will change things. However, when I can, I try to help people by giving practical advice, because that’s the only advice that can really help them. Then it’s up to them whether they follow it.
You can tell how stressed this woman is, and I can understand that. To her, she is doing all the work and her husband isn’t doing anything to contribute. But there are practical ways to fix that, like making him a To-Do List.
The biggest point, first of all, is that it sounds like her husband is in a bipolar depressive episode.
The fact that he isn’t doing anything with his time…The fact that he is isolating…The fact that he is sleeping all the time…The fact that he has stopped communicating with his supporter…These are all signs of a bipolar depressive episode.
In my opinion, the best thing for her to do is get her husband to seek help, however she has to do it. But she also has to NOT give up! That’s one thing I always tell people: NEVER give up! The next day might be the day that her husband comes out of the episode.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
Yes, I can relate. Happened to us over 20 years ago and today 42 years of marriage later my husband’s bipolar is much more stable. We continue to not overlook a potential for a trigger that could introduce another episode; however, medications, therapists, dr’s, support for both afflicted and affected are essential but most important is family support. Those boys have a wonderful opportunity to learn about life. Are they in counseling? Our two adult children have families today and are very supportive of their father’s illness. Twenty years ago, however, our children needed to learn what it ment to support. Mom needs to ask for help from them and tell them what to do for their Dad. Comments, notes and “deeds” to BOTH parents while the episode is going on is essential. Our children learned to write a note and leave it with Dad . . . feelings can change with behavior change. Our son washed the car, daughter left the notes . . . choose something that helps both of you. Do you know your husband’s love language? A hug or a soft touch worked miracles. A favorite saying in our home through tough times was and is “I’ll love you forever no matter what!” The boys have a valuable opportunity to love their Dad. What if he had any othe illness that he could not control without the proper medications. He is depressed and needs a medication change that is assisted by family relationships.
My husband has had a number of episodes over the years. Some suggestions:
– Never stop loving him. He needs you more than ever now.
– Remind your children of the hard-working father he has been. Elicit their support.
– Find some labor-intensive projects to do around the house. Physical labor helps.
– Don’t forget prayer and God. He loves us all and has perfect understanding.
I am Bipolar and face a simalar situation. My husband had Hep-C and was dieing from liver failure. I had to be his caretaker in the last year of his life, he could barely take care of himsself I became a functional depessed person. I was in a bipoler depessive episode but had to get up and force myself to do what had to be done. When my husband passed in October of 2006 I started coming out of my depersive atate and felt guity about it but I continued to seek the help of my doctors and therapists. I haven’t had a deperssion episode since. it was almost harder going thru this than before I was diagnosed having the mood swings.
Thank you Nancy.
Positive reinforcement can help. Every family is impacted in someway like this. Men are particularly vulnerable on lost jobs even if not bi-polar. If you help him regain “control” by calling loan people etc. It will remove some of the stress and help him start looking forward vs. being down. Joint activities will slowly get him going.IT will get better
HI
I have been in this situation before. Know that u don’t have to loose your house. We made that mistake. Your mortgage co. will do anything for u to stay in your home. They don’t want to loose either.
For your husband he is drelling over his past, if he will expect better things are coming, open his mind to dream a dream and make it come true. Forget the past and look to the future, be satisfied and live happy lives together.
Vitamins helped my husband. He was on so many pills and all they did was make him worst. He went natural healing. A lot of his problem was lacking nutrition.
Health Store MultiVitamin and 9 a day of Omega fish oil (with 3, 6, and 9’s) and a B12 in a tablet under his tongue everyday, should lift him up again. That 5 hour energy drink has the B12 also. Great drink my husband uses it to get a boost when he needs the energy. U cannot take too much. Before u start taking any vitamins make sure u don’t have yeast in your body. U can spit in a glass of water first thing when u wake up even before u clear your throat. If your spit floats thats good, but if it starts to dribble down into the water u should get rid of your yeast problem with enzymes. U can never have enough enzymes. We use Enzymedica- The Enzyme Experts.
Get healthy and happy with what u have, and don’t worry! Know everythings going to work out better than what it was. Think positive and be good to yourself and to others. LOVE, PEACE, and JOY to all.
My husband has been in a depressive episode for over 18 months now and I feel like giving up.Every day he manages to shower and then that’s it.He’s in his dressing gown all day(except for when he’s got an appointment)watching TV or goes back to bed for an hour or two.He’s on lithium and gabapentin and says he’s tired all the time or he’s got a bad headache.It doesn’t look like anything is ever going to change.
Thanks for the info u have been sending. it has educated me a lot.
mythili