Hi,
We usually think of supporters as having compassion, since they are supporters, after all. But today I want to talk to both supporters and people who have bipolar disorder as well, as everyone should have compassion, don’t you think?
Some people I think are just born with compassion. And some people are more compassionate than others. But then some people just have to learn how to be compassionate. One way to do that is to practice compassion, whether you feel it or not. And nothing helps us build our character more than developing compassion for others.
Compassion is a sympathetic feeling. It can just start with willingness. If you just have the willingness to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, you’ll take the focus off yourself and you can imagine what it’s like to feel like them, experience what they experience, struggle with what they struggle with, have the problems they have.
So what does this have to do with bipolar disorder?
Try to imagine those people who you don’t think understand what you’re going through. Maybe you don’t think they have much compassion toward you. They probably don’t, because they haven’t imagined what it’s like to be in your shoes, go through what you go through, experience your problems and struggles, etc.
It’s up to you to educate them. That’s what I teach in my courses/systems. You have to educate other people on bipolar disorder because they aren’t going to learn it on their own.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
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http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
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They need to be willing, too, to take the focus off themselves and to imagine what it’s like to be someone who has bipolar disorder, and to feel compassion for that person.
Compassion can be learned. It’s the recognition that other people’s problems, their frustration and pain, are every bit as real as our own – and many times even worse. It means stopping being selfish.
Compassion is something you can develop with practice. You get better with it over time.
If you have it in your heart, it will come out in your actions. Like me, for example. I’m not bragging, believe me, really, I’m not. I’m just using myself as an example. I mean, I sure don’t do what I do for the money, because I’m no millionaire! J
But I do care about people who have bipolar disorder. So I have compassion toward people with the disorder. So I volunteer at several bipolar support groups. That’s the action part.
Being compassionate is who you are. Having compassion is what you do about it.
David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
dave: you mean empathy, not sympathy. Sympathy involves pity and we don’t want that!
Martha – spot on!
Dave. et al, I think what is learnt is an understanding of why compassion should be given in certain circumstances, not necessarily that compassion itself is learnt. My own observations – even of myself – suggest that people are innately compassionate or they are not, BUT they do not always show it where they don’t feel it is deserving. As an extreme example, you would not expect a sociopath/psychopath ever to show genuine compassion because they are incapable of it. They may show a great act of it but it won’t be genuine. A typical example is in war: most probably soldiers will show compassion for a colleague who is injured, or for their grieving family and friends if the colleague is dead. But they won’t feel compassion for the enemy in their rifle sights, or when they are some distant target for a missile or laser targeted bomb. Some of them may feel compassion later, when they are having to deal with the enemy and see him/her as a thinking, breathing, bleeding human being, with a wife and family. But many will also still see the enemy as an object for hatred or at least indifference. Thus, they are capable of showing compassion; but they may not always show it because they have learnt not to show it, or they have yet to learn why they might (should?) show it. I expect the same may be true of some BP supporters, especially those who think their “loved one” is capable of helping themselves more than they actually are! I suppose the same may also be true of those with BP, who may expect more support fro their loved ones than THEY are able to give!
Dave,
It would be interesting to write article about people who are bipolar survivors AND are also bipolar supporters. I would really like to hear your thoughts about this.
Griff
I have really been feeling really depressed the past few days. I was talking to my mother Saturday nite on the phone she called to see if I came to Thomaston, where I am from about hr and half away. Because she new it was time for me to get my prespcrictions filled on the 3rd they where gone for the 4th usaually they are there. My family Dr. is in Thomaston and I love him. I have so many things wrong with me and I am only 44 1st Bipolar, fibromyglia, ortharthis, thyroid dease and neuorathy have had surgey for my neck been in mental hospital 4 times for just not feeling like I can go on with life. My parents came to a support meeting with me and psy. about bipolar and how I will always have to be treated for it and I need them to support more than ever. I never asked them for anything in life I had a $50,000 a yr. I was fine I thought but something happen to me when my grand ma passed. My mother is so selfesh was mad because I did not stay and clean her house up if I could of I would have. She just found out she has neuropathy lately I have been dealing with the pain a long time it hurts. I feel I have nobody my bothers nor my father speaks to me why am i here.
strangely after being married to someone I didnt understand and was very afraid of….after now having anxiety attacks , post traumatic stress syndrome and watching my kids go thru anxieties and things that trigger past events…after years of knowing he had affairs ….he threatened me with divorce every other year thru the 25…..thinking he was going to hurt or maybe kill me during his rages and episodes…knowing now he dates unknowing older rich women for their money always said he’d find someone to support him and totally shutting out his two children hurting them in the process. After going thru allllll the pain and being scared to the bone by him I worry about him, I truly loved someone who I dont think could have given it in return . I still dont understand him, he has blocked my emails and wants nothing to do with me unless thru the lawyer… he does not want my help or suggestions , it was never him it was always me I set him off….I worry about him I have plenty of compassion which eats away at me more then it should. I feel bad that he couldnt have had a life where he could have been happy he had it all and lost it all ,now thinking he has found his happiness. He went off the prozac for a week and ended up at the drs because he had suicidal thoughts…he needs someone who at least knows he has the disorder the people in his new life have no idea..so I always thought i could help in the past I couldnt he didnt want my help..I have compassion for what he goes thru his painful comments and destructive ways are not even a real memory because mentally they are blocked . I do not remember attending my brothers graduation yet i do remember the arguement that took place before it…its confusing to me .I am a nurturing person and usually people welcome that someone cares. with tom it was always prove you love me if you loved me you’d do this or that always strings attached. our son tolerates him our daughter is terrified ….so i sit with my compassion for him which is now wasted because he doesnt even want to communicate with me….it is tragic and sad…….and now he is on his own surrounded by people including himself that really have no clue. my thinking about him, feeling for him is keeping me locked into a past that is very painful and now I have to learn to let go which is difficult he however had no problem in doing so.
My daughter and I are overloaded with compassion. And we both have Bi-po Disorder. I do not know if she was born with it or learned it from me, but I was born with it. We have different kinds of Bi-po and while I can imagine some of what she goes through, I will never be able to comprehend the whole story of how she feels. We both reach out to others and attempt to help them, if we can. So I guess you can classify us as very compassionate people.
Dave, Hi! I feel you try really hard to give people information and help them and you do truly care. Keep up the good work and do not get discouraged. It means a lot to some of us! thanks again!
Dave,
I couldn’t agree with you more. As an ex-supporter, the ex is not by my choice, people need to understand that sometimes the person with the disorder is incapable of seeing compassion as compassion. Discussing the person’s feelings, expressing one’s own commitment to those feelings, empathizing, wanting clarification, asking “what can I do to help?” are frequently seen as interference, a desire to control, or worse. Compassionate interaction probably works with people who are on medication. Once the delusions and anger set-in all one can do is wait. To attempt to communicate with someone while they are either in a depressive or manic state is a sure fire way to amp-up the episode. Believe me I’ve tried.
Linda
Good Morning Dave,
You just don’t realize how much your e-mails mean to me
I just thank God for you and your willingness to help
people understand bipolar disorders and what we can do
to help our loved ones that have that problem.
God Bless you Dave.
Your Friend, Darlene
to Martha and Dave:
The name above says it all. I’m only human. The bipolar person I’ve been dealing with is unrelenting, refuses treatment, revells in her mental illnesses, is an addict, an alcoholic and a compulsive liar. Will not seek treatment, and has incorporated the illnesses into her awful personality. She is a sympathy bottomless pit, yes, is to be pitied, but her abrasive personality makes her utterly repellant. Probably is like this to get more pity. I’ve been enduring nine years of contemptible lies. I’m sure she is angry at herself, but it manifests as anger directed outward, towards me. Lately, she has been attacking my manhood (“be a man”, “act like a man”, and worse), and I cannot have any more “empathy” for her. I couldn’t “walk a mile in her shoes”, because, if I walked ten feet in those shoes, I would RUN to a doctor, which she refuses to consider. She is following a long spiral into her own Hell, and I’m not following her there any more, she wants to take me along with her. She is heading for her own bad end. She has a massive ego, and her best defense is to be insulting, unbelieveably stubborn, resolute to stay the way she is. Self destructive. I have lost several friends because of her willful ignorance, her alcoholism, her temper, and slovenliness. She is arrogant, and thinks she is “cute”, because men who don’t know her hit on her. For the sake of my own mental health, I’ve had to distance myself from her, and I’m about through. I don’t even drink at all, and I’ve learned that from her, because I can learn things from other people’s mistakes. She can’t even see her own mistakes, and keeps making the same ones, over and over.
David, I’ve learned so much from you, and your daily “tips”, you have provided so much insight and understanding to me, but she stopped listening to you about a year ago, ruined two computers, and only uses hers to watch movies on, while she drinks bottles of vodka. She’s going to end up in an institution, or dead. We used to be boyfriend and girlfriend, she can pass herself off as relatively “normal” socially, but the personality flaws soon come out, and I realized that she is a “low companion”, like they warn you against in AA. I can’t let her drag me down, into her personal Hell any longer. The mental illness(es) have completely taken her over, she defends them, protects them, and won’t listen to anyone, not her own Mother, her son, her friends, doctors, cops, judges (was recently in jail), her financial advisor, me, or anybody else. Yes, I do pity her, but I must protect my own sanity. She has won, at the cost of her relationship, and ultimately, her life.
Dave: You are so “right on”. My parents were two of the most compassionate people I have ever known, and I was taught just what you are talking about. Look into your heart and place yourself in the situation someone else is suffering — just imagine that is you — and let the love in your heart pour out to them and let them know that you are there for them to help in any way that you can to ease their pains. I perceive you as a very compassionate person, and I applaud you for giving of yourself to help those who are suffering from one of the most devastating illnesses
one could ever imagine. Thank you for all that you do. Sincerely, Dolores
Compassion is to some, a learned behavior. Often time people are so overwhelmed with their own problems and or issues, situations, that there seems to be no time to stop and lend a word, give a hug or just simply allow one to vent just to get things off their chest.
If we learn to just be present for one another and set time aside for the human element of life, then we couldn’t help but to be compassionate.
But today we are entangled with so much, things like work, the internet, the news we hear, politics, the falling economy and so much more that we forget to just enjoy a moment of relaxation, fun, peace with the ones we love and have to deal with everyday.
Are we too close for comfort?
If we can learn to listen and recognize when our love ones are in need of our attention, affection, and other such needs then a lot of unnecessary hurt , anger, loneliness, and fear we feel and go through can be avoided.
Just like we make a conscious effort to make it to work on time, catch our favorite TV program etc… We need to make time to spend, and share with the ones we love that are the closes to us.
That’s Real COMPASSION.
Dave, I have always tried to live by the golden rule…it can be a challenge sometimes…DO ONTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO ONTO YOU. I find that like you say you have to educate people about what bi-polar is. I have met many people over the years and I don’t always tell them I am bi-polar II. I pick and choose who I tell. Overall I find that the people I do choose to tell already know someone who is bi-polar or have other “problems” or they have bi-polar or other “problems” themselves. Overall people are understanding and compassionate, in my experience. The people that are less understanding I just ask them how they would feel if they were bi-polar or one of their children was bi-polar (that usually gets to them). I am still educating my own 2 boys about my “illness”. They are 13 and 17 years old and sometimes have trouble understanding it. Anyway, I just want people to know that we all have problems and we all need to be more compassionate to get along in this world.
My husband is Bipolar but he pushes it on me. For example I am the one with the problem and I need to seek help not him. He looks for faults to make him feel as if he is not the problem and convince himself of his act of denial. Now I am depressed and have anxiety because I am trying to sympathy him and in being compassionate which in reality it is hurting me because he is actually abusing the facts.
how do you teach compassion?
million thanks!bless u
Yeah…I agree with what Martha says!
Empathy means “I understand – I’ve been there – I’ve walked in your shoes.” Whereas sympathy often means, “Oh, I am sorry for your troubles, but I really don’t understand, nor do I want to.” “I am just saying ‘I am sorry’ because I don’t really know what to say.” It is like someone telling you to ‘have a nice day’ when they really don’t care whether you have a good or bad day.
It hurts more to hear someone say they are sorry and truly do not mean it, than that person to say, “I truly really do NOT know what you are experiencing and I do NOT know what to say.” At least they’ve left the door opened enough to listen to you. They are honest. They may be very willing to try to understand and be helpful.
It also hurts to have had someone you love intentionally harm you and then say they are sorry. I don’t accept his/her apologoy. I respond, “Love means you never have to say you’re sorry.” Think about that – it makes a lot of sense.
I would much rather have empathy from someone. Those who are empathetic are the ones who care. They feel and know my pain. They know, by their own experience or that of someone close to them, of what I am going through. Those are the types of persons I want as a supporter.
Dave,
I found your website after searching for something, anything that would make my hell make sense. Coping though understanding seemed logical but the more I have read I realize that my husband is bipolar, and after all of the verbal abuse I have been suffering, not understanding how I could be married to three different people at the same time, I found out that I am not alone. And while it doesn’t make this place I have found myself easier, I thank God for you because knowing that I am not alone has given me strength again today. (Everyday since I found you a week ago). Please know that if you hadn’t shown compassion to the other people out there that are suffering for love, I would still be lost.every time I think I can’t hurt anymore – he proves me wrong. I said in sickness and in health but this is hurting more than anything I can imagine. The words, the actions, the deliberate abuse – thank you for being in my email between hateful text messages to comfort me. I appreciate you and the others that share their stories so I can go on and not fall apart. I am at a department store – trying to “get out” and all I want to do is find a hole to go into and cry. He doesn’t know he’s ill, blames me, and hates me. It’s tearing me apart because I need to don’t want to let go. Pray for my family if you pray, and if you don’t then please just send hope my way through your thoughts and heart.
What do you do when a person thinks they know all about bipolar just cause they had a friend with it? I am just asking because the way I see it is, if a person is not bipolar, live through it day in and day out, they do not know how a person with it feels, thinks, or even anything else about it. I just wanted to know what others think of this.
Dave,
Thank you for youe email and all your effofts to help others understand about bipolar you can tell you are a very compassionate person and I appreciate all your work and for allowing others to share there stories on your website,It really helps alot.Thank you
To Chris Pollard
We all care about you. There are a lot of supporters who also care about your pain as well as their own. We all stand beside you in our hearts.
Dear Dave,
Thank you for the valuable insight on compassion. I’am also taking care of victims of bipolar and mental disorders. Compassion is the only way we can make them feel that we accept, understand and truly care for them. Hope more people develop the gift of compassion.
Nieves
I have learned to be more compassionate towards my 25yr old son. After finding out his father had bipolar I now truly believe my son has it as well. His father and I never married but we share in our son’s problems. I raised my son and he was always easy going and happy. I noticed changes in his late teens that i couldn’t understand. The past year has been the worst as far as his moods. Sometimes I didn’t even recognize him. He acted totally different.A few times I thought he was a real jerk and didn’t want to be around him much but now I realize it is the illness. The more books I read about this disorder the more sympathetic I am towards him and anyone else with this problem. I told him to call me anytime and we are hoping the natural approach to his condition will win over the pharmatuticals. He has been doing well for 5 months on his new job but sometimes talks about doing something else. He has gone from job to job and has a hard time staying in one place for very long. I become worried and concerned because he calls me and gets very depressed and has talked about not wanting to exist . He will call back and apologize for talking like that . I tell him he should get professional help but I can’t make him. Wish I had known about this illness sooner. I’m hanging in there and I will always try to be there for him but i don’t think I’m going to be enough for him. I sent him alot of material in this condition and it seemed to help him understand it’s not his fault that he’s this way. Wish there was a good solution.
My heart goes out to all of you! Compassion, empathy, or is it just the Mom thing.. caring about everyone??? I am a supporter and this site has taught me so much. Thank you David, for providing an outlet for people to vent. I so strongly feel that it makes one feel better just to “let it out” in a place where you know people understand.
Big hugs to you all!! You are all very wonderful people whether you are bipolar or are a supporter.
HI! How are you doing? I just wanted to let you know I have 4 granddaughters and they are fun once they start running around and you have to run after them! LOL! It is all good and they make you laugh at any age. They are blessing and help us all. Laughter is the best medicine for health issues! About the email do not worry about the negative responses. I facilitate a DBSA meeting and we try and control the meeting as far as people who are out of control and any kind of a threatening behavior is not acceptable and the group as a whole usually backs up there person and usually the facilitator would take care of that. I would feel very uncomfortable ever going back to that meeting or volunteering in a situation that puts me in danger. It just would not happen again. I would not put myself in that situation again. My safety and being comfortable in a meeting or anywhere is more important than anything else. You were not out of line and just keep in mind how it was and wether it was worth the experience to be repeated. I wish I had a number to call you at normal times now and then not at crazy hours. Some people think it is an emergency number and you are there for them no matter what and do not think of anything but what they are feeling and what they are going through. That is what other hot lines are for and they are treating you like a hot line. That is my opinion and hope it does not offend you but you have to take care of yourself and set up some boundaries. Wish I could work for you it work for you it sounds good and interesting! Take care and be well! Jody