Hi,

Today I want to talk about:

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR LOVED ONE

1. ALWAYS

Don’t use any sentence that has the word always in it, such as you always do this, or you always do that. For one thing, no one always does or doesn’t do anything. It’s an extreme word, and your using it isn’t going to do anything but make your loved one mad. Like if you said, “You always pay more attention to the TV than you do to me.” It’s not even realistic, and will more often than not lead into a big fight.

2. NEVER

This is a lot like using the word always. It’s another extreme word. Like if you said you never do this or you never do that. Again, it’s not realistic. No one “never” does things. Like if you said, “You never do anything with the kids.” It will only seek to make your loved one defensive, which will probably come out in anger against you.

3. “You’re spending too much money.”

Now, even though this might be true, your saying it like this will cause them to be angry and lash out at you. Yes, excessive spending is a symptom of a bipolar episode, but your loved one may or may not be aware that they are doing it. You might try phrasing it something like, “Have you noticed that you seem to be spending more money than usual lately?” This puts the ball in their court.

4. “I understand.”

There is no way you can understand bipolar disorder if you don’t have it, and your loved one knows that and is sensitive about it. So if you say this, they are very likely to come back with something like, “No you don’t. You couldn’t possibly understand.” And

that is true. You can’t fully understand what they’re going through, because you don’t have the disorder. But you can say something like “I can only imagine what you’re going through.”

5. “You’re sleeping too much.”

If you say this to your loved one, it might put them on the defensive. It may sound to them as if you’re saying, “You’re lazy.” And they may want to defend themselves. Yes, if they are in a bipolar depressive episode, they may sleep more than usual, but your mentioning it in that way may cause them to misunderstand your caring. It might be better to say something like, “Don’t you think you might be sleeping a little too much lately?”

6. “What about ME?”

Unfortunately, your loved one, when in a bipolar episode, is in a very self-centered mode. They don’t care about you or how you feel or how things are going for you. They only care about how they feel and how things are going for them and what is happening around them. They are in no position to meet your needs. It is best just to leave this alone.

7. “Can’t you do something?”

You want to scream at them, “Can’t you do something? ANYTHING? Just get off the couch, or out of bed (or wherever they happen to be).” It’s so frustrating to watch your loved one lay around day after day and do nothing, or not even get out of bed. It’s hard as a supporter to understand that, when in an episode, sometimes they can’t even get out of bed, much less do what you would like them to do.

8. “Don’t you WANT to get better?”

This is accusatory, and pretty much guaranteed to get a reaction from your loved one. This could be anything from crying to yelling to withdrawing, or any other emotional reaction. Of course they want to get better. Nobody wants to suffer from bipolar disorder. They just feel that right now they don’t have the ability, and they need you to support them by being understanding.

9. “You’re doing this on purpose.”

Again, you are accusing your loved one for something that isn’t their fault (they didn’t choose to have bipolar disorder) and can’t help. Again, you will probably get an emotional reaction from your loved one.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave