==>>Help with ALL aspects of bipolar disorder<<==
Check out all my resources, programs and information
for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/catalog.asp
Hey,
What’s new? Still up in Connecticut coming
home today.
How’s it going today? I was thinking about
something last night that’s been on my mind.
You know, I get a lot of emails and calls asking me
some of the same questions, and one of the biggest
questions I get is what NOT to say to someone
who’s in an episode.
There are two big comments you shouldn’t say to
someone in a bipolar episode. The first one is:
“I know how you feel.” Because they will just
get madder at you and say, “There’s no way you
can know how I feel because you don’t have
bipolar disorder.” Or something like that.
And that’s true. You don’t have the disorder. So
you can’t truly know how they feel. And saying
this can sometimes make them so mad (and even
put them into a rage) that they’ll start screaming
at you, which is what you don’t want.
It would be better if you said something like,
“I can understand why you feel the way you do.”
This way you’re acknowledging they’re feelings,
but you’re not antagonizing them, either.
Especially if you stay calm and say it in a soft
voice.
In my courses and systems:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
The second thing you shouldn’t say is, “I told
you so.” Even if you warned them against
excessive spending, and they went ahead and
did it anyway, and you feel you have every right
to say I told you so… you still need to bite your
tongue.
Because even though it might make you
feel better to say it in the short run, in the long
run, you’re going to pay for it. Your loved one
will get angry and yell at you for it, and it won’t
accomplish anything positive. It will just make
them madder.
These are just two of the things that you shouldn’t
say to a loved one while they are in a bipolar
episode. Of course, there are many more.
The main thing is not to take it personal when
they’re yelling at you, and to stay calm. That way
you won’t yell back at them and say things you
might regret or things that will just make them more
angry at you.
Hey, I have to take off to get ready. I have
a really, really, really, really long drive
ahead of me.
Oh last night, I got a call from someone on
my cell at 3:31 am asking, “Hey, are you
David Oliver and do you help people who
are helping people with bipolar disorder?”
I don’t even know what I said because I was
so tired. I think 10,000 people have my
cell phone number. Last month. I did 12,000
minutes on my cell phone. That’s crazy.
See you.
Your friend,
Dave
–
P.S. Don’t forget to take a look through the
different programs I’ve put together… each one is designed
to help you with a different area of bipolar disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/catalog.asp
P.P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
P.P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com
Dave, Your e-mails are very enlightening, and thank you for that. I am going to send you the e-mail of a friend of mine, who is bi-polar. He was acting in CA for years, has had 3 wives, and has just moved back to this area. He has done a lot of damage to himself while in these manic stages. He just got a great job, but seems to be going into a manic state again. We went to kindergarten together, but are not very close. But I am afraid that he is going to blow this job opportunity. Will look for his e-mail, and send it to you.
Again, thank you,
Wendy
PS his name is Sam Chew.
David,
I would suggest Not giving out your cell phone number, people can email you or contact you by mail.
Otherwise you are creating unnecessary debt for yourself, don’t you think ? It just doesn’t make any sense.
dave, i don’t get on the internet everyday but when i do get my emails from you, it helps me out tremendously!!! thank you! just today i said things i shouldn’t have said to my boyfriend, who has bipolar. he doesn’t take his meds but just got back on them yesterday. he has been off of them for about 9 months or so. he lies about it but i can see the torment he is going through daily. which also affects our relationship as well as his family too. how can i be more patient with him. we have been in a relationship for a little over 2 years now. i love him very much and just want to be there for him in every way i can be. thank you very much for your daily inspriration, elizabeth
David, just wanted to say that as a 31 year old who just found out she has bipolar, you have been a blessing. My husband has stood by me thru some pretty heavy stuff, before finding out what was causing the problem. I have only known for 5 days. Let me just tell you it is a shock to find out that you dont even know who you are anymore. As is i wasn’t crying enough already I sat and cried for quite sometime when the doctor told me. My husband has been great. He wants to start marriage counsling to better understand what is really goin on with me. He says we will get thru this together and it will be okay. He is an angel himself. Just wanted to say thank you so much for putting yourself out there for people like us…May God bless you and yours..Dena
I firmly believe that certain people are put in our paths to help us. With you, one might say I almost tripped right over you. (chuckle).
Our granddaughter was in 2 vehicle accidents within 18 months. The first one, she saw her mother die and the second one, she witnessed her future step mother die. This was between ages 11 and 13. So when she started rebelling and you might say loosing it, we attributed it to the Post Traumatic Depression that she was in. We didn’t know different until she was almost 19. So now she is suffering from both the depression and the bipolar.
I do not expect you to make the problem go away but I do want to thank you for being here. It is refreshing to have someone who is willing to help without taking advantage of people in trouble.
I myself am a brittle diabetic and I think it is terrible the amount of junk information that people try to sell me and everyone with diabetes. You are an exception and may God bless you and your work.
Oh, I agree with Susan. Let people email you or write. Then you can deal with it at your conveince and not at 3:00 in the morning.
Dave, I just wanted you to know that your e-mails have helped me so much. I wish I had them when my daughter was in high school.
I also wanted to let you know that my Daughter Terri Lynn passed away in March of this year. She was diagnosed with Bi Polor when she was 16. She had just gotten it all under controll and was doing wonderful when she had a wreck and died 12 days later on her 23rd Birthday.
But I do want to thank you for the help you have given me and her before her death
Thank you
AngelTL
Hey Dave thanks for your emails. I get alot of use out of them. I have a problem with the councliers telling me that my child is spolied dosent wont to listen always wants her way and that we give in they didnt even what her on any medes.I know what you mean about the yelling well i had the fighting with it to and then she waould not remeber. it is pretty bad when she said mommy why are you crying i love you and it will be okay and this happened after her fit. and one more thing what can i say to her when she said mommy why cant i be up there juses instead of being down here with all the frustration i have to go thur up there nothing like that going on all we will be doing is singing. All i could say is that god made you special for me and daddy and you are a special little girl for me and daddy to have and to love,
hey thanks agin i have shared all of your information with my friends and some to those hateful councliers.
Dave, your emails ARE a blessing to those of us WITH bipolar disorder AND the supporters who love us. I am sorry you get disturbed by phone calls at 3 in the morning; cut the damn thing OFF!! You are NOT a doctor, and don’t HAVE to be ON-CALL…
It IS hard for me to hear “I told you so.” When I do some of the bizzare and destructive things when I’m in a manic episode, I DO remember MOST if not ALL of what I do, but lie, and say I don’t, as a protective measure. When I did this with my Mom, who never accepted my diagnosis and didn’t believe I even HAD a mental illness, she would shrug and sigh, and say, “Well, you should have known better.” When I’m IN a manic episode, I have absolutely NO instinct control or behavior control; I’m impulsive and it’s “My way or the highway.” I ALWAYS knew that what I was doing was strange, but my delusions about God and our relationship, took over. I followed the “demon” inside, thinking it was “God” talking to me, and that I was “on a mission.”
Especially when I went to CA for a week. I rented a car, and drove from Davis to San Francisco, primarily to visit the Rosicrucian Headquarters. I had become a Rosicrucian (I am normally Baptist), and felt that California was “calling” me. Unfortunately, once I got to the headquarters – it was closed! I stayed up nearly the whole week, driving around at all hours. I picked up a guy, and we “smoked” and drank wine, and “hooked” up! Now – is THAT the behavior of a 29-year-old in her right mind??!! Of course not…
When I got home, the “roof fell in,” and I was involved in a car wreck that totaled the car. I wasn’t hurt, but believed I had had a concussion and there were terrible things wrong with me. I “hooked” up with the drunken guy I had just met who drove my car. When he finally left (after a week), we had a physical fight – I didn’t WANT him to leave…
A week after the accident, I signed myself into a psychiatric hospital – once you get so “high,” there is ALWAYS the crash. Things were getting ugly around me, and I feared for my life.
Instead of saying, “I know how you feel,” and “I told you so,” be more proactive with the bipolar sufferer, and TRY to show them how their behavior is affecting the supporter or themselves, both physically AND mentally. These two phrases ALSO don’t work on “normal” people, so why would you think they would work on those of us who have an illness we can’t control?
BIG HUGS and God’s blessing on all supporters and bipolar survivors.
Dave, We are bipolar supporters who have purchased your manuals and read your emails. I read an interesting article in Newsweek recently dealing with Bipolar and the use of EEGs to match brain waves with specific medications. There by eliminating much of the guess work that is currently such a problem. Did you happen to see that article. Thanks for your work.
Dave,
It would be good to know more about what not to say to a bipolar person. And how do I tell somebody I think they are entering the manic phase?
I sometimes find myself not being able to avoid some bitterness in these situations as if the person could help the way they behave. How do I prevent my bitterness about the situation turning into bitterness towards the person?
I just wanted to ask Suzannewa, Dave and anybody who could have any ideas on this point:
What do you think WOULD work in a situation described – when a bipolar person believes they “have a mission” and God wants this or that from them or they suddenly want to go off somewhere or take some other radical action? Is there anything I can say in a situation like this that would help them realise that what is happening is related to bipolar? How do I act in situations like these?
Would be REALLY useful to read about the experience of others in this regard and get some ideas.
Thanks in advance
What not to say? What do you tell someone with bipolar? Well, let me think. I have Bipolar, oh yeah. Here a little in-say on the don’t- say…(only speaking for myself here!!!)
-Don’t tell me everything is going to be fine and things will work out-
Reason: A Mania mixed with depression outbreaks and a sense of utter helplessnes and rebelion combined.. I don’t want to hear that because we really don’t see it that way and telling me that just triggers the “yeah right” attitude that nobody really needs. Things may work for a while but life’s joys dwindle and disapate quickly for me. Instead, tell me “we will work on it, as a family, friend, whatever”…it gives more a realistic hope, than the false hope generated by “everything will be fine”. I just ask..”how do you know?”
-Now, I don’t know if this is just me because I’m a Taurus, or if it has everything to do with my disorder..I don’t like to be told to ‘calm down’! Everything in my life clutters itself into one big ball of depression with a twist of anger and rebelion when people tell me to calm down. If I am manic depressive and have an episode where I’m crying and/or throwing things, I always warn my boyfriend…”don’t tell me to calm down, just try to catch things if I throw them so they won’t break and I have that on my mind when I do actually calm. Don’t ask me what I say when I mutter to myself because well, I’m muttering to MYSELF and you should stay out of that conversation! Don’t ask if I’m okay when I cry because I’m obviously not and that will trigger more emotion, and just let me be!” I want to be either left alone or hugged tightly when this happens, my emotions are firestorms and I do not want to be hassled by anyone telling me to “calm down”! And the biggest one of all…Don’t get mad or angry at me because I’ll just use it to my advantage and have a reason throw more stuff around or have more reasons to be depressed and anxious and you will be adding to that wall! Trust me, I will thank you for this when it’s over, and you’ll be more understanding when you understand me!
Those are just a couple things as far as myself goes…
People with bipolar can learn to tell whomever they live with what they expect when outbreaks happen (because they will happen) and make a warning list of things to do/or not to do. It took me years to learn what my list was and went through so many relationships with people to realize I have guidelines for that type of situation that actually help me during and when I’m coming out of that state.
I could keep going but it’ll take too long. Hope I helped. Again, I was speaking for myself, everyone is different depending on if they have more mania or more depression. I believe past trauma and experiences tie into ones actions and thought patterns as well. I really think they actually are a huge part of the problems at hand.
So, warning;do you say these things?..Sit and have a chat with your loved one, write a list, and find out what your bipolar-filled brain needs when these situations occure.
Have a good day David.
REPLY to TEREZE..
I have had those days myself. Most of the time I cannot pin-point why all of a sudden I need to go, go, go.., the only tip I can give is agree. Agree with the hopes that they are either doing good for themselves by taking time to read into their life and indulging in possitive thinking…. or with the hopes they will change their mind after you inconspicuously drag out the time and help them gather their things, make a list of things they will need, having them call people to say goodbye..on and on. I’ll tell you, once you add a lot to the list it seems more of an aggrivation than a good idea and I would definitely change my mind about going…
Not all of us are the same though, only you know the person to whom you are referring to. If you think it would help, it’s worth the shot.
It worked on me a few times!
Take care and good luck Tereze! Hope I helped.
*hugs* to all with this disorder and to those trying to help & understand us!
Thanks very much, Bluefire! I will try it out.
betty how about you medically retard? just gets right to the heart. family that labels you so
everything i would say is nothing
Sad. Just learned my friend would not admit he has a problem any more. What can I say?I don’t know what to do.Feel really helpless.
:((((
Dave, I have a boyfriend who is bi-polar. Right now he is really angry at me because he said something hurtful to me and I couldn’t stay calm. I blew out. When we talked aobut it I apologized because I blew out at him and made him feel bad. The thing is that during the last few weeks he has been in such a mood that anything I do is wrong. It seems I never do the right thing; I can’t even take the right route to go somewhere because I “drive around in circles” to get from point A to point B. and I just blew up last Monday night. I feel really bad about it. I sent about two SMS telling him I loved him very much and tried phoning him. He didn’t pick up until the third time I phoned. At first he was aloof saying he was busy and then said we needed to talk. i asked when and he said tomorrow (today) but he hasn’t phoned me about it. I don’t know what to do; I feel very guilty as I feel I have let him down. I love him very much and I want to be there for him, he’s is a great guy in all senses, and I don’t want to let go but it seems like he wants to drive me away.
Help!!!
To Petunia.
Just wanted to cheer you up.
I happen to lose my patience too in situations like that. Don’t be too hard on yourself.