Hi,
How are things going today? I hope they’re going good for you.
Unfortunately, they aren’t going so well for one person who wrote to me.
This is what they wrote:
“Dave, Please remove me from your mailing list. I hate to have to ask you, as I have
gotten so much good information from you, but my sister who had bipolar disorder killed herself last week.
She had decided that she was “cured” from her bipolar disorder and had stopped going to see her psychiatrist and therapist and wouldn’t go to her bipolar support group any more. She even stopped taking her medications, saying that she didn’t need them any more.
We (the rest of her family and me) tried to convince her that it was her medication that was making her feel so much better, but she just wouldn’t listen to us.
She went into a deep depression, telling us that we would all be better off without her, and that life just wasn’t worth living, and all kinds of things like that. We all tried to tell her how much we loved her and that it was the bipolar disorder that was making her think like that, but like
I said, she just wouldn’t listen.
I just don’t understand. How can this disorder be so deadly? Why aren’t more people aware of how devastating an illness this really is? What could I have done differently? Is there anything I could have done to stop her? That’s what’s really bugging me. That there’s something I could
have done to stop this from happening. That there’s something I should have done but didn’t. That way my sister would still be alive. Somehow I think it’s my fault. Dave, is it my fault? What should I have done? –John”
—————————————————
This is a horrible tragedy. A needless tragedy. But, unfortunately, one I hear about all
too often. Michele, who works for me, her sister did the same thing, and she came to me
with the same plea, “Is there something I could have done to stop her?” I get asked that question a lot.
There is so much guilt that the family and loved ones are left with after the person with bipolar disorder commits suicide after going off their medications. That’s one of the biggest reasons I
preach so hard for people to stay on their medications, no matter how much they want to go off them. The chances are just too great (1 in 5) that they will kill themselves.
Is there something that John could have or should have done to stop his sister from killing herself? Unfortunately, we can’t control anyone else – we can’t stop them from doing what they will inevitably do. In Michele’s sister’s case, her sister waited until she knew no one would
be there to stop her, and that’s when she did it. She planned it. She did not want to be stopped.
The thing is that suicide is not the result of a rational mind. When someone with bipolar disorder
decides to kill themselves, they are not thinking clearly. So there is nothing you can do to stop them. If they were thinking clearly, they would hear your pleas that you love them and want them to live and get better. They would understand that they are sick and need help.
But, unfortunately, bipolar disorder is a deadly disease, and without medication, it can fool the person into believing all kinds of things, just like it fooled John’s sister into believing that she was “cured” and didn’t need the medication any more.
If your loved one has been talking about going off their medication, show them this post.
Do whatever you have to do to convince them to stay on their medication. You don’t want to have to face this all-too-common tragedy.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
Dave, my heart was deeply touched and sadden about this bipolar tragedy. My heart goes out to the family about their loss. The family has my sympathy, because there have been times when I run out of my medications, and I start getting thoughts about killing myself, but it seems like my pills come in the mail just in time. I really had to start ordering my meds before I run out. Again, I am very sorry for the loss. This is a tragedy. Frankie 8-2-10 6:19am
This breaks my heart and scares me at the same time as i suffer bipolar disorder my heart goes out to her family and i cant stress enough to her family that you did all you could please dont blame yourselves xoxo
Hi Dave, I was heart sick to read the article on 2 very special people commiting suicide due to their Bi-Polar illness. I to have Bi-Polar for 21 years. Countless medications, hospital stays, Doctors who did me harm than good. I have had this illness all my life and it cam out after having a car accident when I was my son’s age of 29.I am now 98% well. On less medication yet the right medication.It is a long road and it can be a rocky one.You have to want to be well it takes percerveus,strong family and friends. You must trust in yourself and never give up HOPE. I hope people read this and become enlightened, you never have to feel alone.
This really saddens me. I have a son who is bipolar and refuses to take meds or seek help. He’s a veteran and has everything available to him, and yet he refuses. Most of the time we don’t even know where he is until he calls with blocked numbers, speaking of his dilusions, past hurts. We live states apart and I feel helpless.
We are in a very serious place right now as I visited with my husband’s therapist last week with him. It is the first time I was with him where he wasn’t hypomanic or manic. His therapist spoke to us as she has always spoken to me – saying that his situation is hopeless, that he is a drug addict and alcoholic who doesn’t take his medications for his bipolar illness. It has been 3 1/2 years since my husband’s first episode (he is 64 now) and there is no question he has struggled. I have been not included in any therapy since his first psychiatrist/pharmacologist left to pursue a career in Europe. I have been shut out by this team as his therapist has had control. This is the first summer he has not gone manic but has battled it no question. I thought it was going to be a better report than it was but the main point is that he heard how ill she said he is. It was more than a revelation and we have been through a host of emotions all week. He has determined that he will change doctors and start over. He claims that her assessment is totally off base – that he is taking his medications (which I vouch for) and he is not taking any illlegal substances. I asked her for her proof of his drug addiction and why there has not been a move to get him into rehab but she quickly hid behind the “not my responsibility” crede. We are a prime example of the system not working for us. I am hopeful for him that he finds the right kind of therapy and learns to self manage. The children and I are exhausted and questioning how long we can hang on – his spending, extramarital affairs, are too much to bear. I was willing 3 years ago to let go of the past and start new but he hasn’t left the behavior behind him. This is all new behavior since the illness. I don’t believe he has fully accepted the illness and therefore is incapable of managing it. He has lost all friends and business associates (as well as his Mother and brother who refuse to accept his illness) so all the responsibility falls on me. I am seeking a friend who can speak with him straight and be honest about his behavior. I must say that your site has been great and kept me going. If it were left to local sources, I would be long gone. I honestly don’t know where this is headed and not feeling the least bit optimistic. I worry that suicide will be the “easy” way out for him too.
HALLELUIA!!!!!! WHAT WE ALL NEEDED TO HEAR!!!
I am Bi-polar and while I don’t condone suicide , I understand why they do it ! When you are in such a deep well that you can’t see anyway out , you just want the feeling to go away . And unfortunately too many people give up clawing their way out they give up . I am very sorry for her loss !
Been there , fortunately haven’t done that !
I am sorry for your loss.I was diaganosed with bipolar about 2 years ago.I am now 45 years old.I myself hate taking medication, but I take it anyway.I have friends who are bipolar.Some of them don’t take their meds right.i never really realized how dangerous this disease
can be.i have thought about suicide many times.I have a therapist and a good doctor i go to regularly.I really
try to stay on top of my disease.Even tho it makes me angry to have it.I wish it would go away, but it does’nt.Listening to your story makes me realize how important it is to follow my treatment.Again my prayers
are with you. Tami
I was broken when I read this news. I worrying all day every day about my partner I feel at a loss sometimes. I cannot imagine loosing him . I need all info I can get on how to live happy and less stressed every day .I feel my chest heavy and hurts st night from all the stress and worry.any one who can share please help me I love him but I do not know how to cope….
Dave, I will be praying for these folks. There are no words this side of heaven to express the deep sorrow they feel. I agree there was nothing they could have done. My daughter came home one night from work. This was iin February of 09. Whe has never been the same. She has been diagnosed as “Manic”. She was raped and got pregnant. Because of this see aborted the baby. She fell in love with a guys who got her pregnant and then when he found out he talked her into aborting that baby. At the time of her episode, she was trying to lose weight by taking perscription atipex and was taking ambien to help her sleep. She never has slept tha well anyway. Her “lover” borrowed over 1500.00 fro her and has never paid it back. She has not worked since that episode. She trusts no one hardly. She has loud anger tantrums at times. Her brother and sister are afraid to be around her, because they don’t know what to do. In fromt of strangers she can seem logical, but when she is with her mother and I, she talks off the wall. She keeps saying that we smother her, but every time we confront her or challenge her she builds herself up and will not go out and get a job. We love her and hate to see her continue this way. We are thinking of doing some sort of brain scan to see if there has been damage due to alcohol and drugs or if she is bi-polar. What do you think? I have a brother-in-law that is manic depressive, so we wonder if all the stress and trauma has triggered this. Thanks, Bob
I was heartbroken to read this post. My prayers go out to the families. I have been diagnosed as rapid cycling bipolar, and believe me, I have had so many suicidal ideations during my 30 years of being diagnosed it isn’t funny. I went off my meds just once and believe me, suicide seemed to be the only way out. Thank God I went to the hospital or else, well, you know the rest. Please, everyone who has a mental illness, keep taking your meds – you might be “feeling better” but without the meds you just cannot function. God bless you all!
My prayers go out to the family. I am Bipolar diagnosed 14 years ago, I am now 44. Last winter I had plans to commit suicide. but I stopped myself and called the crisis number I had in my phone. I think part of the key is to have a crisis plan in effect, this helps you to think clearly even when you are manic..I also have PTSD and when the two illnesses get going together I have gotten myself into some pretty sad predicaments due to my poor judgement. There is nothing my family could have done to prevent me from harming my life. I now have a great medical team that I trust and I stay on my meds. It’s important to understand the symptoms of this illness and when to ask for help…Again my deep sympathy goes out to this family this is something that is all too close to home for me. Take Care and God Bless Joanie
I to feel for this family. I have been fighting with Bi-polar since 1986 at the age of 17 and I can tell John there is absolutely nothing more he could have done. In these times off med’s we with bi-polar we go into our own little worlds and lose touch with reality, so much so we think those closet to us are out to get us. Thanks, John for sharing, again my heart goes out to you, Lord knows what I put my family through over the years= I’ll stay on my med’s for good after hearing stories like these!
I am Bi-Polar..I have been in a deep depression and had to fight the urge to commit suicide. My father commited suicide when I was a teen and I promised myself I would neve do that to my daughter. But in the depthe of depression..you read things into everything that is said or done that may not have been the intention. I felt as tho my husband was sick of me and no longer wanted me around. He is the type that if you ignor something it is not there. There is nothing worse than thinking you are not loved. It is embarrassing to not be able to process data with our minds the same as everybody else. As for not taking the meds. I have always taken my meds..it dose not stop the episodes. I can understand why people would stop their meds. I have a problem with Claustrophobia. Being on a med that takes weeks to get on to and weeks to get off of…gives me claustrophobia. What if I can’t get anymore? What if Obama’s health fiasco keeps us from getting what we need? I won’t have enough to ween myself off..I feel trapped. I hate being dependent on something that takes so long to ween off of.
I am very sorry to learn of this tragedy. Dave you have been so good to give us all information that could save lives, if followed, but unfortunately not everyone does.
In my husband’s case, his friends believe that he is perfectly alright and doesnt need any professional help. That he can overcome his manic episodes on his own.I pray that he will get help and not wind up getting so depressed that he would take his life. I do love him and
want the best for him.But my hands are tied, so to speak.
Thank you for all your advice. My heart goes out to the family that lost a loved one to the terrible disorder –
bipolar. Natalie
I have been married to and in love with a man (my husband) who is bipolar for five years! Nobody warned me about this disorder, and he was charming and sweet– I never guessed, until after we had been together for awhile. No, nobody told me that he was psychotic if he was not medicated, and that he would go into these ‘allnighters” and then be so depressed, he would not shower or get out of bed for days; I had to find out on my own– I had NO experience in dealing with this disorder. I was 47 when we married, with an 18 yr old daughter. He alienated her, he alienated my brother (I mean when my brother had his children over, my husband would invariably make a sexual innuendo remark, and my brother would be offended and take off during a family dinner!), He alienated my mother (he lied to her about something and she never forgave him!) and so my side of the family wanted nothing to do with us– they dont understand. I had a nervous breakdown after I had to have an emergency hysterectomy and he threatened every member of my family and came after me because he loves me! His mother has disowned him too, as has his brother and step sister. He is now in prison (for a hot check he wrote 20 yrs ago, served time for and he got out and served parole (but not enough) and was picked up on a parole violation. During the time we have been married (he has been a good husband– never cheated), our credit has gone into a downhill slide, there is suspicion within my side of the family that he killed the family cat (he said my daughter’s dog did it and then got rid of her dog!), he defaced my daughter’s brand new car (he helped her to get the financing on!) and flattened the tires (we had to help her fix it!), When I had a nervous breakdown and left him– he came after me, but not until after we lost our home and most of our belongings (some he destroyed and blamed on my daughter!). So why am I staying with him? I ask my self that– he saved my life a number of times, he has been a good husband and never cheated on me, he spoils me and lets me have anything I want… the alternative is very depressing, but in staying with him and standing by his side, I gave him this ultimatum– take your medicine and see a psych Dr or we will not be together– PERIOD! I also told him he can have a debit card with a limit, but he is not to handle our family finances! I cannot go through what we did early-on in our marriage again!
I am still learning about this disorder– the ‘cycling’ and mania and such, I would like to hear from others who have gone through similar?
Thank you for listening!
I was recently told that the “I’m cured” is more a sign of schizoaffective than straight bipolar. I would love to know feedback on it. My x family member was diagnosed schizoaffective before bipolar and it always made more sense because he suffered alot of delusional thinking and alot of hallucinations but none of the negative symptoms of schizophrenia. The bipolar has not been in control for 3 years – he has been manic for 3 years. I know him for 20 and I know what he is like “normal” but he does not have the insight to understand what he has been like the last 3 years. His psychiatrist is a a waste of time and plays headgames with him to make matters worse. When he starts saying “I’m cured I know he is manic, not depressed”. We actually like him better when he THINKS he is depressed because he is quite “normal” then. Or at least he is the person that we knew as “normal”. But once he found mania, whom he refers to as his lover, he has never been the same because he is addicted to the mania.
My x family member would declare he was going to kill himnself so many times that it became boring. He never attempted anyway. I know, I know, if someone threatens suicide take it seriously. But he did it to be MANIPULATIVE and it was a serious problem. Everyone would do what he wanted the minute he said it and it became a behavioral problem. But there was one time when he threatened it and I told him “ok, then you have to go to the hospital”. I had stayed up all night and I finally said “I can’t stop you but I can take you to get help”. So, yes take it seriously but when they use it as a manipulation tactic to get what they want, it is like crying wolf. He came out of that hospitalization manic and our lives have never been the same. That was the summer of 2005. Each time we got the mania under control he would want it back and do anything (including lying to get antidepressants)and it became impossible to be around him. His whole personality has changed because of the mania. It is like his brain has become demented because of it.
TO David,
I know your anguish but believe me over time you will realize there was nothing truly you could have done you probably searched your mind of the ‘ what if’s’ We are left with the after effects of a loved one that killed themselves and the wonderment of ‘ could I have stopped this from happening’ trust me in telling you David that there truly isn’t anything you could have said or done to stop a loved one from doing what they want to do sadly but true. When a person wants to die even with indications or no indications that was their choice to do. To my eyes you had already done what you could have done was tell her you loved her and point out to her that her thinking is wrong . When your bipolar and your taking a downward spiral your not thinking David not in the way you and I may think but we don’t have bipolarism either its a difficult thing to comprend and impossible unless your bipolar, when they are at that stage if they seek to end theif life no one could stop them and this may sound strange to you but it’s not personal , its themselves inside they are thinking of ending their pain they aren’t thinking of the devastation that is left behind to the people that loved them and would have wanted them to stay. It’s difficult and so tormenting I know . My heart goes out to you take care