Hi,
I’m going to ask you a question. A hard question, but one you need to ask yourself.
What about you?
Have you ever asked yourself that? “What about ME?”
Sometimes bipolar disorder can take over your lives to such a degree that you really can get to the point that you ask yourself that question. If you have, you need to know that it is NORMAL! You’re not alone – many supporters ask themselves that question.
Do you sometimes feel as if you have a child instead of a partner? That’s a normal feeling, too. You may sometimes wonder why you are in the relationship at all if it only means taking care of someone who is ill more times than they are not. And this may be harder on you than you thought it would be.
Maybe the bipolar disorder cast you in a role you have no desire to play, but you see no way out because there is no one else to do it if you don’t.
Maybe you’re just plain burnt out. That happens sometimes. So what about you? If you don’t
take care of yourself first, you won’t be able to take care of your loved one. Remember that.
You may be asking yourself, “What about me and what I want from life?” Well, what about
you? What do you want and need?
Now that you’ve been learning how to manage the disorder, it’s time for you to become clear
about the role you want to play in your relationship. You may feel that the bipolar disorder has taken the choice away from you. This, too, is a normal feeling.
When your loved one is in an episode, you may feel that you HAVE to play the role of the loving supporter. That you have to hold things together. But you don’t. Everything you do is a choice.
Whether it’s going to the hospital when your loved one is in an episode, helping your loved one take their medication, or putting up with constant mood swings, there is a choice. It may not be an easy choice, or you may feel like you have no choice, but it is all a choice.
If you choose to stay in a relationship where your loved one is often sick (in an episode), it’s important that you at least know who you are and why you do what you do.
Many of the people who write to me who are married to a loved one with bipolar disorder say that if they knew ahead of time what they would be getting into, they wouldn’t have married that person.
Is this you? Do you feel this way?
It’s ok if you do, because others do, but not if you let this feeling turn into a resentment against your loved one, or you stuff it and it bubbles up inside you and reflects how you feel about your loved one. You need to deal with it.
If it’s your choice to stay with your loved one, no matter what (and remember, you do have a
choice), then feeling like that is something that you just have to get over, as it will get in the way
of being a good supporter.
I know, because I am a supporter myself, that sometimes it’s just not good enough to know that
you’re not alone in your struggle against bipolar disorder – that you’re not the only one who feels
the way you do…that so much is expected of you, especially when your loved one goes into an episode, because even though you’re the one who does all the work, your loved one is probably the one who gets all the attention.
“In sickness and in health” can be hard to take when it seems sometimes that there just isn’t any
“health”! Your role gets so complicated sometimes that you wonder who you really are any more: You often have to be a financial planner, a confidant, a therapist, a nurse, a parent, a provider, a supporter, and any number of roles that maybe you didn’t sign on for.
This is a lot to ask of you. And many times it is a thankless job. And, again, if you don’t take care of yourself first, you may burn out from it.
Don’t despair if it’s wearing you out. It wears everyone out.
Again, ask yourself the tough questions: What about ME? Who am I? What do I want out of life?
Because you need to know the answers.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
I really needed this email today. My husband is having an episode and he is planning to quit his job. I am so burnt out, I just don’t know how much longer I can hold on. We have been married for 36 years and yes, if I would have known what I was getting into – I wouldn’t have married him! Please keep you emails going. It is wonderful to hear from someone who knows what I am going through.
You’re right. If I don’t take care of myself, I don’t have a chance. When it’s an adult child, it seems that you have no choice, but you do. When I realize it’s an episode, and stick to my ground, it always blows over and I’m not such a wreck later. I have to realize it’s a disorder, and not about me.
We are going to have my mom and sister move this fall, if all goes well, and it will be to another state, preparations have been made to get this started. I know that it will take a lot of prayer, and a lot of patience to get it done right. This will be the first time she has made such a move to another location. The reason being that the finances have gotten to the point where it has to be done. So it is not for the reasons we want but out of necessity. I have family in the state where they will be moving to and that is the reason for the move. So the ‘what about me’ is I am doing what I can to help my loved ones to move to a place where they will be closer to family, in their maturing years, my mom is older of course than my sister, but the need is for both of them and I am concerned that it will be a lot for them to go through. I just pray that it will work out for their best and for our best too. I am sharing this because I haven’t seen anything about when you have to ‘move a loved one ‘to another location and you aren’t always able be there when you know you should be. WE will be there to get them moved and that is all that we can do.
Thank you thank you thank you. This is exactly how I feel today. I often ask God, “God, Why this man. Why not a normal man.” I have to confess there have been times I have not done the christian thing, or said the christain thing. Sometimes I feel so jealous. Others at church don’t seem to know he has bipolar, of if they think something is wrong they aren’t saying anything. After all, I am the new one at this church. Many of the people knew him from his “pre cocaine days, before he knew me, when he was wealthy, lived in a beautiful home, father to 3 young boys, co-pastor of a nice church, developer of a nutrient drink know semi-famous, body builder/instructor. A beautiful man to me don’t know about other women. So here I am paying all the rent most all the car gas, taking him to work most days, he does now work full time and over time if it’s available. God is truly good. Greg has some good qualities but seems sooooooooooooooo self centered and selfish. Is this normal for a bipolar person???????????????????????????????????????????????????
Its not fair. Bipolar doest play fair. It never gets better and it never goes away and it always hits you when you least expect it too.
Its not fair loving someone with bipolar, couse honestly you cannot seperate the person form the bipolar.
Its both or none, and when you love someone thats a hard call to make.
What about me? Me seems to be unseperatable from the person and the bipolar too.
Its not fun and if ever someone asked me if its worth it- definately not.
But I suppose you cant help who you love. Is it better to stay or to go? I think it would be better if some smart cookie would just invent a vacine to protect people from bipolar…
Untill then…..
This is such a needed email. I even have divorce papers hidden as it is so tiring not having a real husband, no intimacy, never knowing when he will spend money on things we cannot afford, waiting for angry to be vented on children or pets. Or finding him in bed all day when he was supposed to be working. How about trying to have a conversation and he gets all paranoid! I am trying to stay with him but lately I have been crying and stressed. It helps to/know these are normal feelings. But I am so wanting to just be happy.
Joanne and Sandra – you are kindred spirits. I know exactly how you feel. This email is for me, too. Everything was great before the latest stress trigger. Now my boyfriend is on the edge of another episode. He won’t let me help him and it’s so frustrating. Last week we fell out and I haven’t seen him since or heard from him. We were very happy when he was well. Someone told me he doesn’t want to be stable. He is using his bipolar as an excuse to be irresponsible. He is in denial, lying to the doctors, hooked up with drop outs and avoiding all his real friends. He was in the psych ward only 3 months ago with a big bad episode. Another one would really wear him out. He is not normally rapid cycling. I am worried and stressed all the time. What about me? I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this. I want a normal relationship without all this stress and uncertainty. I can’t give up though, as I still have hope in my heart that with my help and love he can be stable and successful.
To NIGHTLADY: I am NOT here to diss you, but I have been reading about you and yout bipolar boyfriend for two years now, and recognize myself in your situation. YES, l lived with – and loved – a paranoid schizophrenic for THREE YEARS, with him being in and out of the State Mental Hospsital, and me worrying myself into a frazzle about “would he ever be alright?” We spent our time smoking and drinking, with his fantasies and delusions taking first order. BUT – i was lucky; I met my future husband at the end of our affair, and just LET HIM GO. I realized I wouldn’t have much of a lilfe with him, while on the other hand, my husband was “normal,” and kept a high-end government job. I was also lucky in that, when he passed away five years into our marriage, he left me with “Cadillac insurance,” allowing me to get top-notch medical care. Now, do you think I was smart to leave my live-in lover for my husband? At the time, my lover and I cried endlessly after I was engaged; we would DIE for each other if I left him. Balderdaslh. You DESERVE a REAL life, Nighlady. It may take time, but take some time to pray for your OWN life and your own future. YES, I Felt like I deserted the ONLY man I would ever love, but I trusted God, and everything turned out for the best. I do hope – and pray – that your boyfriend becomes stable in the future – but right now, it doesn’t look like it. We don’t choose who we love, but we DO have a choice of leaving someone if they’re not right for us. I wish you luck with him – but feel you’re selling yourself short. I am only telling you this out of love and concern. If I can do it – so can you…
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survvors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I continue to pray for our country.
It is difficult. I am in love with someone who has bipolar disorder and at times he is the most wonderful person– loving, attentive, sweet. Then the monster comes out because of some meaningless word said.
He beats me. He tells me he is going to screw others, that I am a piece of s**t, etc. On and on. I do not want to give up on him, but lately I have been mentally planning an escape from him.
I try to help him and when he seems like he is genuine in his efforts to work on getting stable, I believe I can take whatever comes. But. He has blown off 3 weeks of support group that we went to. Is he serious or am I just wasting my time? I do not honestly know.
I am weary. I do love him. Love him deeply. Just not feeling safe anymore. 🙁
I understand you might have a choice what your going to do or if you are going to put up with the relationship when its a significant other or spouse. However I feel my choices are limited since I’m taking care of a bipolar minor.